The Money Talk Update in comments

mmoss042515 · June 2014

Hello!

I am new and am looking forward to planning my wedding! My fiance and I are planning our wedding for April 2015 and just started the process.

My dad called last night and said that he wants to get together and "talk money" for the wedding. He and my mom paid for my sister's wedding. I think they spent about 40k on her wedding. He said that he wants me to think about a budget that would be resonable considering the type of wedding I want.

My question is, is it fair for me to assume that I will recieve 40k as well? Is this a good budget for a wedding? My best friend got married last year and they spent 60k on the wedding. I just don't think that I could plan the wedding of my dreams for less than 30k. Should I tell my dad 30k? Or should I give us wiggle room and ask for 40k?

Thanks!

JCbride2015 · June 2014

mmoss042515 said:

Hello!
I am new and am looking forward to planning my wedding! My fiance and I are planning our wedding for April 2015 and just started the process.

My dad called last night and said that he wants to get together and "talk money" for the wedding. He and my mom paid for my sister's wedding. I think they spent about 40k on her wedding. He said that he wants me to think about a budget that would be resonable considering the type of wedding I want.

My question is, is it fair for me to assume that I will recieve 40k as well? Is this a good budget for a wedding? My best friend got married last year and they spent 60k on the wedding. I just don't think that I could plan the wedding of my dreams for less than 30k. Should I tell my dad 30k? Or should I give us wiggle room and ask for 40k?

Thanks!

Wow that is a LOT of money. You are very privileged and should be falling all over yourself in thanks. Holy shit.

I think it's sort of squirrely of your dad to say he wants to talk money, but you are supposed to suggest the number. That's not very comfortable. You should tell your dad whatever he wants to give you is wonderful, and not request a certain number.

As to whether you can have a wedding for $30k-$60k, the answer is... of course. Many posters on these boards had weddings for just the cost of the license, a small lunch with family, a backyard party, etc. You can get married for a few hundred dollars. Everything else is extra.

FWIW if you want more feedback on your particular budget, I'd go to your local board and start searching for costs of venues and catering. This is an international board so things vary widely among posters here.

ETA: somehow I missed the bolded on my first reading. You need to knock your entitlement down several pegs. This kind of thinking does not go over well around here and makes you sound like a brat, honestly.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2014

mmoss042515 said:
Hello!
I am new and am looking forward to planning my wedding! My fiance and I are planning our wedding for April 2015 and just started the process.

My dad called last night and said that he wants to get together and "talk money" for the wedding. He and my mom paid for my sister's wedding. I think they spent about 40k on her wedding. He said that he wants me to think about a budget that would be resonable considering the type of wedding I want.

My question is, is it fair for me to assume that I will recieve 40k as well? Is this a good budget for a wedding? My best friend got married last year and they spent 60k on the wedding. I just don't think that I could plan the wedding of my dreams for less than 30k. Should I tell my dad 30k? Or should I give us wiggle room and ask for 40k?

Thanks!

Life is not fair, so I would argue that it's not necessarily safe or fair to assume that they'll give you the same amount they gave your sister, although parents do often try to be fair monetarily regarding their children.

No one other than you and your FI is responsible for paying for your wedding. Anything your parents offer beyond that is icing on the cake for you.

As far as is $40K a good budget -- that depends. Our wedding was less than $8K. Other brides here are spending $40K, $50K, $60K and up. It depends on your area, guest list, and expectations.

blabla89 · June 2014

I wouldn't feel comfortable asking for any specific amount, or expecting money at all. I would see what your parents offer and plan the wedding within that budget.

ETA: You can have a perfectly lovely wedding for less than $30k. Many of the ladies on this board have done it.

bmydesigner · June 2014

First, your budget depends on where you live. To me 40k seems like a lot, but I'm having a small town 10k wedding.

Second, you don't ask for any specific amount. Whatever your parents are willing to contribute, you graciously accept. After that, it's up to you and your FI to come up with the funds for your "dream" wedding. Your parents might be a little bit tight after your sister's wedding. Can't say I blame them.

The knot has a great budgeting tool. Once you find out how much your parents are willing to contribute, decide how much you can afford to spend and there's your budget. You can put that amount into the budgeting tool and it will lay out how much to spend on everything.

sarawifenow · June 2014

I agree with PPs. Budget is completely subjective. My mother is (very graciously) paying for our wedding. Our overall budget (not including my dress which I am paying for) will come in at 12k. This 12k is giving FI and I the wedding of our dreams. So, yes, it can be done.

Your dad needs to give you a number not the other way around.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

When you and your Dad speak you should tell him that he needs to determine the number not you and that you will graciously accept whatever amount he wants to give. As far as the budget goes it really depends on where you live and what you want in a wedding. $30K in my area (Baltimore, MD) is about the average cost and we spent close to that 3 years ago. Can you do it for less? Sure. Can you do it for more? Of course. But it comes down to what you want, how lavish you want your wedding to be and how much you research vendors and how good of a negotiator you are when it comes to quotes.

emmyg65 · June 2014

If your dad doesn't want to or can't give you $30K, you can ... make up the difference with your own money. Or just plan to pay for the whole thing yourself!

What PPs said. Don't ask for a particular sum; don't assume you'll get the same as your sister; and accept whatever it is graciously. It's very generous of your parents to offer.

SewInLoveWithDMB · June 2014

Having this type of post will get you responses saying varying things. There are a few points I want to make.

Parents offering to pay for a wedding is extremely generous, and you should be grateful
Of course you can plan a wedding for under 30K

With that - other PPs have mentioned - anything over what your parents are offering to pay should be made up by you. Many people on this board paid for the entire affair themselves, so having to come up with a percentage should be totally doable - or, and this sounds harsh - you may want to rethink this. If you are completely unable to pay for something YOU want, you may need to wait more time, save more money, and not need to rely on parents for support. (Again, I do not know your situation at all, but it is something to consider.)

In my family, we are extremely fair and anything my parents have done for my sibling they would do for me. I understand this however is not the case in all families. That is something that only you can ascertain from your relationship with your family. There is no way my parents would give my sister, say $35K for something and then give me $1K. It just wouldn't happen. But, only you know your situation. (And all determining factors - such as jobs/salaries at the time, other contributions, etc). So, sure, if you ask me - it is safe to assume that something that was done for my sister would be done for me as well. But that is not the case in all, and asking this on a bulletin board will not give you the correct answer for your family.

If you are comfortable talking money with your family (I definitely am, and it appears your father is as well), you should do your homework. Call some local reception areas and get their prices. Make a rough guest list. Talk to a florist and get a few rough estimates. Call a band/dj. Make a list of all of these expenses and show them to your father. You can then go through the list with him, and he can then say "yes, I will pay that" or "no, I won't pay that." Anything that you had on your list that is not within his budget you can either cut or pay for yourself.

Sitting with your father and asking for $40K out of the blue seems uneducated (in the wedding planning sense) and makes you rather entitled. Knowing the actual costs of things and being able to clearly define how the money is used would be far wiser.

There are other things to consider as well. Was the $40K a gift? Would you receive that money even if you were to have a tiny affair for 10 people (and be able to apply the else in other ways - honeymoon, vacation, house payment?) Do you already own a house? Are you ok with spending a large sum for one day, even if it affects the way you will live for months (years?) to come? Can that money be applied elsewhere to really "help" you in life?

abbyj700 · June 2014

You accept what he offers - you don't name a price. That would be horribly rude.

And remember - if he pays for 100% of the wedding - he gets 100% of the say. His pay - his say. Taking money creates strings - just always keep that in mind.

mmoss042515 · June 2014

Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

QueerFemme · June 2014

mmoss042515 said:

Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

You sound like an entitled brat. Ask him how much he wants to contribute. Take that, and be ridiculously thankful for it. Then, save the rest yourself.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2014

mmoss042515 said:
Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

Or we were frugal, realistic, and not entitled or spoiled.

Marzipan13 · June 2014

Not all parents can or will pay for their child's wedding, so right off the bat, this is very generous of him / them.
As PPs said, you can definitely do a wedding for 30k or less - that isn't unheard of, and certainly isn't "cheap". I understand that your dad wants to talk about monetary numbers, but I think you should get some ballpark figures for him first - he'll decide what he wants to contribute (if anything), not you.
That being said, if he doesn't give you the exact amount you expected... that's just too bad. I would not overestimate costs just to get more out of him - even if he DID give you 30-40k (or nothing!), you & FI could definitely still contribute money of your own. Overestimating to get more would also be very rude & selfish.

ETF: paragraphs aren't working today

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

God I hope this is a troll. What a bitchy set of posts. Please don't be real OP.

annathy03 · June 2014

mmoss042515 said:

Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

As someone whose budget was in the $30-$40k range with a portion of that budget generously contributed by my mother, you do know how this sounds right?

The median income in the US is only around 50k, BEFORE tax. So most people can't throw that kind of cash around for a party. If your dad has and wants to contribute that much, then great, but to ask him for such a number is extremely rude and entitled. You should ask him what he wants to contribute, and go from there. Perhaps look at a few venues in different price ranges and get quotes so he can see what the options are for the guest list you'd all like.

Jen4948 · June 2014

That much money sounds like an awful lot to me. If I found that my "dream wedding" costs more than my parents are willing to pay (assuming they even offered), then I'd feel obligated to accept that my "dream wedding" isn't possible and look for options that fit within the budget available. And I'd be very grateful for whatever I got. That said, I'd ask your dad to name the amount he's willing to contribute and pay for anything above that.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

mmoss042515 said:

Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

And to add to my post from above. The reason our wedding was close to $30K was because my parents generously paid for it. If H and I had to pay for our wedding it would have been a completely different story with a very tiny budget and no HM, especially since we had just bought a house soon after we got engaged so our savings had already taken a hit.

Stop watching David Tutera and open your eyes to the world of reality.

QueerFemme · June 2014

annathy03 said:

show previous quotes

mmoss042515 said:

Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

As someone whose budget was in the $30-$40k range with a portion of that budget generously contributed by my mother, you do know how this sounds right?

The median income in the US is only around 50k, BEFORE tax. So most people can't throw that kind of cash around for a party. If your dad has and wants to contribute that much, then great, but to ask him for such a number is extremely rude and entitled. You should ask him what he wants to contribute, and go from there. Perhaps look at a few venues in different price ranges and get quotes so he can see what the options are for the guest list you'd all like.

Clearly, based on her shitty response, she has no concept of how that sounds. What it really sounds like was: "OMG!!! I don't know how you planned a wedding for under $15k!! Your weddings must have totally sucked!!!!!!!"

I stand by my previous post. Entitled brat.

mellowmarshmallow · June 2014

mmoss042515 said:

Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

I can't speak for the other ladies, but my DH and I paid for our own wedding. We had it for under $15k, and our guests were hosted well.
We did appetizers and beer, wine, soda bar for 144 people at $50/pp during a non-meal time. (There was no fee to rent the space since we met their Saturday afternoon minimum of $5000.This, I realize is heaving dependent on your area. Yay Midwest prices!)
Our cake was about $700.
My dress was on sale for $400 and DH's tux rental was free.
Our photographer was $2000 including albums and prints.
The flowers for the ceremony and reception were $2000 and the florist was our organist for the ceremony.
Favors were personalized fortune cookies and the total for everyone was $200.
There was no fee for the church and my uncle officiated.
My inlaws were nice enough to pay for the rehearsal dinner.
We got each attendant and parents a personalized gift and spent approximately $700 total.

The cost of your wedding is all about your expectations. You can do cake and punch in a local park for less than $500. If you have convinced yourself that you must have an evening reception, there must be a plated meal, and that you must get a certain designer dress, then yes, it does add up quickly. A wedding under $30k can easily be done if you are willing to challenge your own assumptions about what you need to have a happy wedding day.

misshart00 · June 2014

My wedding must have sucked. It was so cheap and tacky.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

annathy03 said:

show previous quotes

mmoss042515 said:

Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

As someone whose budget was in the $30-$40k range with a portion of that budget generously contributed by my mother, you do know how this sounds right?

The median income in the US is only around 50k, BEFORE tax. So most people can't throw that kind of cash around for a party. If your dad has and wants to contribute that much, then great, but to ask him for such a number is extremely rude and entitled. You should ask him what he wants to contribute, and go from there. Perhaps look at a few venues in different price ranges and get quotes so he can see what the options are for the guest list you'd all like.

Yeapppp my feelers were right the first time. OP, you sound really privileged and bratty. You can't help that you have a generous father and that's awesome. But the vast majority of people in this country can't even dream of a $30k wedding. Your comments make you sound like you just can't fathom that people exist who don't live in the lap of luxury like you apparently do.

And if you've now decided that you are gonna ask your dad for $50k anyway... what was the point of your original post? I initially agreed with you that it was strange for your dad to not give you a number. That decision of how much to gift is up to him; he shouldn't put you in that situation, nor should you be rude and request a certain amount of money.

Only because it seem relevant to checking the reality of your situation: Fi and I will be spending about $30k of our own money on our wedding. No help from parents (grandma gave me my dress). It's taking us 2.5 years engagement, and me graduating from law school and working 80 hour weeks, to save that money. We would love to be married now, but recognize that if we want the big evening reception, we have to wait and save, like responsible adults. Please don't take for granted that so much money could just fall into your lap. Be grateful to your dad and realize you are very lucky.

NYCBruin · June 2014

mmoss042515 said:

Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

Congratulations on sounding like a spoiled brat and being incredibly rude to the thousands of couples who have lovely weddings for far less than 15k every year all at the same time.

If your dad is as offended by your entitled attitude as I am and tells you he doesn't want to give you any money, I hope you're ready to apologize because you could probably use the help of the ladies on this board who planned amazing weddings on a smaller budget that they financed themselves.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

I went to $50K wedding once. Even though we were hosted appropriately I really wasn't all that impressed. I really couldn't tell the difference between the $50K wedding and the $20K wedding I had gone to the previous month. And both weddings were located in the same city so that didn't play a factor at all.

countrygirl061513 · June 2014

mmoss042515 said:

Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

My wedding was lovely thank you and cost me and my husband $5,500 in total including our honeymoon. We had about 50-60 people attending.

My dress was $500, alterations were 300

Our church was $250 for the sanctuary, $200 for our pastor and $100 for the AV person.

Caterer $800

Bridal cake $200, Groom's cake $70

Flowers $500 for bouquets, bouts, and corsages

Flowers for our center pieces grew on our property.

I know I live in a small town in the middle of Texas so prices are not the same as the NE or West Coast. But you can have a beautiful wedding for less than $30K. Be gracious when your parents offer you any amount of money to put toward your wedding.

annathy03 · June 2014

QueerFemme said:

show previous quotes

annathy03 said:

mmoss042515 said:

Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

As someone whose budget was in the $30-$40k range with a portion of that budget generously contributed by my mother, you do know how this sounds right?

The median income in the US is only around 50k, BEFORE tax. So most people can't throw that kind of cash around for a party. If your dad has and wants to contribute that much, then great, but to ask him for such a number is extremely rude and entitled. You should ask him what he wants to contribute, and go from there. Perhaps look at a few venues in different price ranges and get quotes so he can see what the options are for the guest list you'd all like.

Clearly, based on her shitty response, she has no concept of how that sounds. What it really sounds like was: "OMG!!! I don't know how you planned a wedding for under $15k!! Your weddings must have totally sucked!!!!!!!"
I stand by my previous post. Entitled brat.

Yep. There's nothing wrong with having generous parents, but FFS be grateful about it! She'll probably be complaining in a few months that dear dad wants to invite people to HER wedding.

mmoss042515 · June 2014

...I never said that anyone's wedding was cheap or tacky. I'm sorry if it came across that way. I don't think that name calling was very nice...

Maggie0829 · June 2014

annathy03 said:

show previous quotes

QueerFemme said:

annathy03 said:

mmoss042515 said:

Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

As someone whose budget was in the $30-$40k range with a portion of that budget generously contributed by my mother, you do know how this sounds right?

The median income in the US is only around 50k, BEFORE tax. So most people can't throw that kind of cash around for a party. If your dad has and wants to contribute that much, then great, but to ask him for such a number is extremely rude and entitled. You should ask him what he wants to contribute, and go from there. Perhaps look at a few venues in different price ranges and get quotes so he can see what the options are for the guest list you'd all like.

Clearly, based on her shitty response, she has no concept of how that sounds. What it really sounds like was: "OMG!!! I don't know how you planned a wedding for under $15k!! Your weddings must have totally sucked!!!!!!!"
I stand by my previous post. Entitled brat.

Yep. There's nothing wrong with having generous parents, but FFS be grateful about it! She'll probably be complaining in a few months that dear dad wants to invite people to HER wedding.

All of this. Also she will probably be the type of person to spend all of the money just because she can, not because she really wants to or needs to.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

I just cannot fathom spending more than $15K on a wedding... my brain can't wrap around it. If my father were to offer me $40K, it would be going towards a house. Immediately. Where I would then probably throw a backyard wedding. We haven't started planing in earnest yet, but it's looking like it will be around $10K for ours, and that makes me uncomfortable... and the reason it is so high is because we want to have supremely awesome food and drink for our guests - our guests are our first priority.

mmoss042515 · June 2014

So many unfair assumptions being made!

kmmssg · June 2014

mmoss042515 said:

Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

And with this, I call troll rolling around in the MUD

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