Am I being a dick? Or do I let it happen...

planetofmeg

It's about 3 weeks to my wedding. About a month and a bit ago one of my bridesmaids suffered a herniated disc that is pinching her sciatic nerve, basically meaning that she can sort of walk and sort of stand, but not for long. I have asked her many times if she thinks she can participate, which she continually insists that she can. However, while she insists she can do it, what I am seeing is far different. On a recent 45 minute outing, she had to sit down every 5 minutes to rest. All the while insisting constantly to my other bridesmaid that 'she can do the wedding'. I've tried different approaches, assuring her that if she can't physically participate due to pain, that it is totally fine, that I am more concerned about her health and well being than her standing up there for the ceremony. I've stated time and again that we would acknowledge her as a bridesmaid, just without the pesky standing bit. I've expressed concern that if she participates in our outdoor wedding and photos that she will be setting her recovery back, as she has already done once with a small 45 minute outing. As a result, she had to leave my wedding shower very early on, basically after I arrived, due to the pain in her back from a small outing the day before. It's gotten to the point where we have asked the groom's younger sister to find a complimentary dress in case she needs to be tagged in. I have even offered to pay for her dress if she can't wear it. All the while I get the same response 'Don't worry, I can do this' I guess what is bothering me is that she is making comments about this being 'her only chance to be a bridesmaid', and that I take that as she is not taking my feelings into consideration at this point, and more importantly, that she is not being realistic about her limitations. The long and short of it is that it is mine and my fiancee's wedding and we would prefer that the focus be on us, not a downed bridesmaid who can't walk but is trying to soldier on like a hero. I'm concerned that mid-ceremony she will have to exit stage left and sit down, or she will be cringing in pain throughout. Writing this out now makes me see that it sounds silly, but am I being a dick, or am I right to be concerned. I'm at the point where I feel that if she can't stand up for more than 10 minutes, let alone walk for more than 5 minutes, that I will have to TELL her she will have to sit in the audience and we will have to use our back up plan. This is not ideal. Basically, is it my place as a bride to tell a super super stubborn bridesmaid that she can't be in the wedding due to her injury? Or should I let it happen? I don't want this to cause resentment in a friendship, but I already feel halfway there, which is terrible. Advice would be appreciated as I am really torn as to what to do. I've been told by my mother that I need to just let it happen, but deep down within the bowels of my common sense I don't feel that is right. Plus it sounds dirty... 'shhhh just let it happen'

QueerFemme

planetofmeg said:

It's about 3 weeks to my wedding. About a month and a bit ago one of my bridesmaids suffered a herniated disc that is pinching her sciatic nerve, basically meaning that she can sort of walk and sort of stand, but not for long.

I have asked her many times if she thinks she can participate, which she continually insists that she can. However, while she insists she can do it, what I am seeing is far different. On a recent 45 minute outing, she had to sit down every 5 minutes to rest. All the while insisting constantly to my other bridesmaid that 'she can do the wedding'.

I've tried different approaches, assuring her that if she can't physically participate due to pain, that it is totally fine, that I am more concerned about her health and well being than her standing up there for the ceremony. I've stated time and again that we would acknowledge her as a bridesmaid, just without the pesky standing bit. I've expressed concern that if she participates in our outdoor wedding and photos that she will be setting her recovery back, as she has already done once with a small 45 minute outing. As a result, she had to leave my wedding shower very early on, basically after I arrived, due to the pain in her back from a small outing the day before.

It's gotten to the point where we have asked the groom's younger sister to find a complimentary dress in case she needs to be tagged in.

I have even offered to pay for her dress if she can't wear it. All the while I get the same response 'Don't worry, I can do this'

I guess what is bothering me is that she is making comments about this being 'her only chance to be a bridesmaid', and that I take that as she is not taking my feelings into consideration at this point, and more importantly, that she is not being realistic about her limitations.

The long and short of it is that it is mine and my fiancee's wedding and we would prefer that the focus be on us, not a downed bridesmaid who can't walk but is trying to soldier on like a hero. I'm concerned that mid-ceremony she will have to exit stage left and sit down, or she will be cringing in pain throughout. Writing this out now makes me see that it sounds silly, but am I being a dick, or am I right to be concerned. I'm at the point where I feel that if she can't stand up for more than 10 minutes, let alone walk for more than 5 minutes, that I will have to TELL her she will have to sit in the audience and we will have to use our back up plan. This is not ideal.

Basically, is it my place as a bride to tell a super super stubborn bridesmaid that she can't be in the wedding due to her injury? Or should I let it happen? I don't want this to cause resentment in a friendship, but I already feel halfway there, which is terrible. Advice would be appreciated as I am really torn as to what to do. I've been told by my mother that I need to just let it happen, but deep down within the bowels of my common sense I don't feel that is right. Plus it sounds dirty... 'shhhh just let it happen'

Yes. It sounds like you are being a dick. Let her walk down the aisle and have an open seat in the front row so she can sit down.

And even if she drops out, you don't tag in anyone else. It's rude to make someone a stand in when they weren't food enough to get picked to be in the wedding in the first place.

Maggie0829

A BM who may have to exit stage left to take a seat because she hurt her back and is still trying to recover will not, I repeat, will not take attention away from you and your FI.

Look this person is an adult and can make her own decisions.  If she thinks she can participate then let her participate.  Like QueerFemme said, have an open seat nearby just in case she needs to sit down.

But yes, you are being a dick.  You are more concerned about having the focus on you and your FI then worrying about hurting your friends feelings.  How do you think she will be if you tell her that she can't participate because you are deciding for her how she physically feels and what she physically can do to then find out that you had a back-up plan to tag in just in case.

I was in a wedding where one of the BMs was in a horrific car accident about 6 months before the wedding.  At the time of the wedding she still had a cast on her one leg and was walking with crutches.  She still participated in the wedding and pictures.  The bride, who cared more about having her SIL in the wedding then whether she can stand the whole time, provided a chair during the pictures as well as an open seat during the ceremony.  Everything still looked great and all attention was still on the bride and groom.

planetofmeg

So moral of the story, mother's are always right.... Thanks ladies! We will go with original plan of having a chair open for her at the front.

loveislouder

planetofmeg said:

I It's gotten to the point where we have asked the groom's younger sister to find a complimentary dress in case she needs to be tagged in. 

NOPE.  You don't tag someone in just because one of your bridesmaids is injured.

kmmssg

Can you have a chair ready by the altar?

planetofmeg

We're going to keep a chair ready for her. My main concern is her health, but I have accepted its not up to me. If she feels she can do it, I have to let her steer her own bus.

princessleia22

Like others said, if she says she can do it, you need to trust that she knows her body and her limitations. It would be nice to have a seat available nearby and let her know that she is welcome to sit if she needs to or to let you know if there is anything else you could do to make things more comfortable for her. Even if you have a seat up front and she sits the whole time, up front with the other BM's it really won't take the attention away from you. I had major back surgery a couple months before I was supposed to be MOH for a friends wedding. I ended up with a major infection, resulting in additional surgeries, one shortly before her wedding. I got released from hospital 3 days before the wedding... couldn't move super well and still had an IV in my arm. I had to leave her bachelorette party early, but at least I attended it and she had fun. I showed up late to help her get ready, due to my med schedule, but it all worked out. And I managed to pop a few pain pills and make it through her wedding easily and most of the reception. It was important to me that I was there beside her and I was going to do everything in my power to be a good bridesmaid. I'm sure your friend is feeling the same way. Just ask if there is anything you can do or provide to make it easier on her and let her be a great bridesmaid.

beethery

planetofmeg said:

It's about 3 weeks to my wedding. About a month and a bit ago one of my bridesmaids suffered a herniated disc that is pinching her sciatic nerve, basically meaning that she can sort of walk and sort of stand, but not for long. I have asked her many times if she thinks she can participate, which she continually insists that she can. However, while she insists she can do it, what I am seeing is far different. On a recent 45 minute outing, she had to sit down every 5 minutes to rest. All the while insisting constantly to my other bridesmaid that 'she can do the wedding'. I've tried different approaches, assuring her that if she can't physically participate due to pain, that it is totally fine, that I am more concerned about her health and well being than her standing up there for the ceremony. I've stated time and again that we would acknowledge her as a bridesmaid, just without the pesky standing bit. I've expressed concern that if she participates in our outdoor wedding and photos that she will be setting her recovery back, as she has already done once with a small 45 minute outing. As a result, she had to leave my wedding shower very early on, basically after I arrived, due to the pain in her back from a small outing the day before. It's gotten to the point where we have asked the groom's younger sister to find a complimentary dress in case she needs to be tagged in. I have even offered to pay for her dress if she can't wear it. All the while I get the same response 'Don't worry, I can do this' I guess what is bothering me is that she is making comments about this being 'her only chance to be a bridesmaid', and that I take that as she is not taking my feelings into consideration at this point, and more importantly, that she is not being realistic about her limitations. The long and short of it is that it is mine and my fiancee's wedding and we would prefer that the focus be on us, not a downed bridesmaid who can't walk but is trying to soldier on like a hero. I'm concerned that mid-ceremony she will have to exit stage left and sit down, or she will be cringing in pain throughout. Writing this out now makes me see that it sounds silly, but am I being a dick, or am I right to be concerned. I'm at the point where I feel that if she can't stand up for more than 10 minutes, let alone walk for more than 5 minutes, that I will have to TELL her she will have to sit in the audience and we will have to use our back up plan. This is not ideal. Basically, is it my place as a bride to tell a super super stubborn bridesmaid that she can't be in the wedding due to her injury? Or should I let it happen? I don't want this to cause resentment in a friendship, but I already feel halfway there, which is terrible. Advice would be appreciated as I am really torn as to what to do. I've been told by my mother that I need to just let it happen, but deep down within the bowels of my common sense I don't feel that is right. Plus it sounds dirty... 'shhhh just let it happen'

I vote dick, and also 'tagging in' your FSIL is sheisty as hell. Nooooooope.

It is very nice of you to be considerate of the pain your friend is going through. If she ends up not being able to stand at the wedding, don't replace her. It's not necessary.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

Just have a chair nearby to help her.

She wants to be there and support you.  The least you could do is (literally) support her.

Never tag someone in.  Don't replace her.

mrsmorales2be

Yes, this is definitely one instance where Mama, and PP's, are right.  She should be the one to make the call to bow out - not you.  You asked her for a reason.  She's willing to perform her duties as bm, and you definitely should let her.  Have a chair or an empty seat in front for her and enjoy your wedding. 

lyndausvi

I'm glad you are just letting this go.

I had a 38 week high-risk pregnant BM.  I said it was a "game time decision".  Meaning she had up until it was time to walk down the aisle to decide if she could or wanted to walk down the aisle.  I also told her to sit next to my parents (front row) at anytime.  If she got to the end of the aisle and wanted to sit, fine.  If she needed to sit in the middle of the vows, fine again.  She ended up walking and standing the entire 15 min ceremony.

koe2015

Glad your saving her a seat and letting her attend.

CutieKatieKat

I'm afraid but I have to agree with the rest of the Knotties. Best not to have a stand in and just find other way to incorporate the concern.

Now if the concern is setting up the chair only for her then:

Perhaps design a way that the groomsmen and bridesmaids all sit down in the front - perhaps on a slightly elevated stage so that way your friend wouldn't have to be the only one sitting at the ceremony. Or have the maid of honor and best man only stand while the rest of the bridesmaids/groomsmen sit in accent chairs up front. 

As for disruptions - remember - ALL eyes will be focused on the both of you. Guests will be shuffling all around so no worries!

I'm pleased that you have made up your mind and stuck to your mother's words (mustn't forget the fellow Knottie!!)  Your wedding is going to be memorable no matter what the circumstances are and friends should never be turned down or be replaced especially at a wedding. 

Can't wait to see the photos!