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Re: Paging @Phira

  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    @lennonkdc I have actually spoken with his parents (not dozens of times, but more than once, and not in passing), and they have explicitly told me that they EXPECT J to split time between families, and that they view that as a positive thing. Not only that, but one of J's aunts always spends Thanksgiving with her in-laws and does Christmas alone (so that's an aunt, uncle, and four cousins who are never at Thanksgiving or Christmas), and everyone's entirely fine with it.

    @swazzle I am really, really struggling with my decision and I'm taking everyone's advice to heart. I really am. I value the advice I get from everyone here (well, maybe not advice about sleep aid drugs). I've been walking a fine line between, "EVERYTHING EVERYONE SAYS IS SPOT ON" and "Clearly I didn't give enough context because wow that sounds harsh." Because often, things are spot on, and often, things are not because of context (e.g. the hospital thing happened 5 months into our relationship, several years ago, and he made the right decision). I'd like to think that I can take people's advice to heart and use that advice wisely even if I do decide to marry J, in November or not in November.
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  • phira said:
    I hesitate to say this, mostly because I'm entirely aware that being trained in sexual violence and abuse prevention doesn't mean that I'm completely immune to finding myself neck-deep in an abusive situation. But I think the bigger issue with J is that he is not getting treated for his OCD and related depression. It doesn't make his behavior acceptable, and it doesn't make it less ARGHHH WOULD YOU STOP. And it doesn't mean that, WELP I signed up for a lifetime of this already, oh well. I really do think that he's just THIS bad at dealing with change, and doing something different (like missing Christmas with his parents) means obsessing over how he's destroyed his relationship with them, and how they would never understand why he'd miss such an important family holiday to be with a family that doesn't even really celebrate the holiday. Etc.

    Point being, last night, I told him that if he wanted to stay in this relationship (wedding aside), then he needed to find a therapist. I told him that I didn't care if he saw a social worker or a psychiatrist--he has to find a mental health professional, he has to find one as soon as possible, and he has to get back into treatment. I'm aware that being treated for OCD is not the same as just going in once a week and talking for an hour. I'm also entirely aware that OCD isn't something that eventually goes away. And I know that this might not even be his OCD--it might just be how J is, even if he had normal brain chemistry.

    But until he goes and GETS treatment, it'll be impossible to tell if treatment helps. Which is what we talked about last night.

    J is willing to spend the time and money on this, as well as couple's therapy, and he is also considering going to HR at work and seeing if he can have an adjustment in hours so he can have early morning appointments (for individual therapy, couple's therapy, or both). When I say "considering," I mean that he brought it up as an option, but that it might not be necessary.

    And yes--J has been officially diagnosed with OCD and has had some success with CBT in the past (he used to have to drink out of paper cups and use a new kitchen sponge every time he did the dishes).

    A lot of you have asked me if I want to be married to J, and honestly, I do want to marry him. It's becoming increasingly clear, though, that postponing the wedding, indefinitely or otherwise, would effectively end the relationship. I'm still not sure what I want to do, given the circumstances.

    What frustrates me the most about this is that I did not want a big, traditional wedding. I wanted to go to the courthouse and then maybe go to dinner with 20 people or so. The thousands of dollars we'd be out if I wanted to postpone? Not money I wanted to spend on a wedding anyway.
    The bolded makes a little bit of sense to me.  Maybe J isn't intentionally being cruel; maybe he really is genuinely so wrapped up in his anxiety that he can't see how his actions are affecting you.  But that doesn't mean it's okay for him to disrespect you and your needs.  Just because someone has imbalanced brain chemical things doesn't mean that you have to go through life giving up the respect you deserve.

    Right now, whether or not J's brain chemistry is normal, he's not being a partner to you.  Maybe it's not entirely his fault, maybe there are things he can do to make it better in the future, but right now, it's not fair to you.  And you are completely justified in not wanting to move forward with the marriage until J is able to be a partner to you.  At this point, I personally probably wouldn't have the patience to wait around for change that may or may not happen.
  • I've bargained with someone before to go to therapy to work on his issues as I saw them and as they affected our relationship. Yeah, well, guess what, that doesn't mean that's what they are even going to address when they go to therapy, let alone what they "improve" on. He lied to me about things he addressed in therapy...so a lot of good that did. J getting therapy because he wants to is nice, but him getting therapy to help save your relationship is not going to solve much...you just can't put all of your eggs in that basket.
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2014
    phira said:
    @lennonkdc I have actually spoken with his parents (not dozens of times, but more than once, and not in passing), and they have explicitly told me that they EXPECT J to split time between families, and that they view that as a positive thing. STUCK IN BOX @phira and have you told J about these conversations? What has he said about this? Because if even his parents expect it, how is it he is still getting bent out of shape about it?
  • @phira‌

    You keep saying you're taking everything we have said to heart and yet, you making the comment of "if I marry J and if in November or no in November." This to me means you really aren't ok with postponing or walking away.

    Let me tell you from a divorced, then engaged to someone else to know dating someone else- walking away fucking sucks. You feel like a failure, like a terrible person, there's so much stress and terrible feelings- but ya know what? I thank the sweet baby Jesus every day that I had the strength to walk away from both relationships. Because they were wrong. No one should EVER treat you like shit because of their own disorders or issues. My ex if had acromegaly - and used it as an excuse all the damn time. It's not ok!!!

    I understand not wanting to lose the money you've put in- but would you rather lose your mind? Or yourself? Because I'm telling you right now, that is exactly what will happen. You will lose parts of you that no one has a right to take from you.

    We have all spent time pouring our hearts out to you because we care, not because we are heartless asshats online. We could kiss your ass and tell you to work through it, everything will be fine, but that's not what we do. We are brutally honest, because we care.

    I'm not saying it's going to be easy, I'm not saying it won't hurt. I'm saying it's fucking worth it. YOU are fucking worth it. We all realize it, now you do too. Quit making excuses for him. Tell him to grow a pair and man up and do the right thing even if it's hard.
  • ShallowSeasShallowSeas member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    Understandably you are having a hard time with the thought of this relationship possibly being over due to postponing the wedding, and we get it. Its a hard thing to even comprehend and sucks that you are put into the situation to begin with. Postponing a wedding or ending a relationship is never easy. @Irishdreamer said it perfectly; walking away fucking sucks. No matter what the person has put you through and how unhealthy you know the relationship is, there's always a piece of you that holds on to the slight chance that maybe something, anything, can be salvaged.

    I was with my ex for 11 years when I finally walked away. I was terrified and wasn't quite sure if I was doing the right thing. I had no idea who I was because I had spent so many years being the person I thought he wanted me to be. All of my friends except maybe a handful were mutual friends of ours which made it even harder. I was scared shitless and worried that I was making a huge mistake.

    It was the best decision I've ever made and I would make it 100x over if I had to. I regret nothing.

    People will probably get hurt in the process; that's life. You will hurt. J will hurt. His family and your family may even hurt, but you move past it. It hurts for a little bit and then its over.

    I really don't want you thinking that we're all over here cheering you on to end your relationship with J.  I can't speak for everyone, but I think its safe to say that we hope you don't have to end your relationship with J. We hope that through months, maybe years of therapy and talking that you two can work things out and have a healthy, happy, and loving relationship that can eventually lead to a healthy, happy, and loving marriage. But at the same time we want whats best for you and it does not seem as though the path you're taking is that. You should never settle, and thats exactly what it sounds like you're doing at this point.
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  • OK, so I know that everything in this post is A LOT to take in. I even understand your gut reaction to defend J because we're saying some pretty terrible things about his character. He's your SO, you see the best in him (as you should!). Also, as we've all said, we don't know him and we don't really know your relationship. We know what you post, so maybe this could be one of those situations where you vent so much to the same people that all they see is the negative and none of the positive. Based on how deeply he's hurt you and the things he's said to you, I still think we're all on the right track here, but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt here, if only for your sake. Since we've seen so many examples of how he puts himself and his family first, why don't you tell us about times he's put you first? What sweet, selfless things has he done for you? Are these instances few and far between, or are they frequent? Essentially, how does he express his love for you?


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  • evadorroughevadorrough member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited June 2014
    What @severmilli12 said.  We want what's best for you.  Maybe, hopefully, therapy and treatment will help get your relationship to where you want it.  But it's possible that won't happen, and holding on to something that isn't working is not worth it.

    I wasn't with my ex for as long as sev was, but we were very serious, talking engagement (never mind the fact that I was way too young for marriage, etc.).  But he wasn't right for me.  He wasn't necessarily a bad person, but he didn't respect my needs or my family, and I definitely lost myself to his demands.

    When I left, it hurt.  It was scary.  I worried that I wouldn't find someone better for me.  But now, 4 years later, I can say that it was absolutely the best decision I've ever made.

    Don't stay on this path because you're worried that leaving will hurt.  Stay because it feels right to you.  What you've said in your posts makes it seem like it doesn't feel right to you, but that's your decision to make.

    ... and now, like @cu97tiger, this is probably my last post on the topic.  I'm sure you have plenty to think about without us creating a 132094-page post for you to  read :-) 

    edited because it's actually been 4 years since I left my ex, not 3.  time flies... 

  • I love you and will miss your face! But you have my number if you ever need to vent or razz the Yankees or something. Keep on being strong! You can get through this!
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • I agree with @Ollie08. We support you and just want you to be happy. At the end of the day, it's your decision, and we all know that you'll do whatever is best for you. We're here for you no matter what. <3 


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  • I really don't want you thinking that we're all over here cheering you on to end your relationship with J.  I can't speak for everyone, but I think its safe to say that we hope you don't have to end your relationship with J. We hope that through months, maybe years of therapy and talking that you two can work things out and have a healthy, happy, and loving relationship that can eventually lead to a healthy, happy, and loving marriage. But at the same time we want whats best for you and it does not seem as though the path you're taking is that. You should never settle, and thats exactly what it sounds like you're doing at this point.

    I want to emphasize the bolded. HOLY COW, how I hope that the bolded is what will end up happening. Literally that is the best outcome for this whole situation - that you both make the difficult decision to do the work NOW and reap the huge benefits of it afterward. I want that for you, because that is an outcome where you are able to preserve the love you have for J now AND actually be able to trust him with it for the rest of your life.

    I wrote a big huge thing about stuff, but then I saw your post and I don't want to sway/push/alienate you in any way while you work through things. I will just say this: you were absolutely amazing to me when I ended a relationship where I felt ignored, dismissed, and crazy for asking for some pretty reasonable things from my partner. Due in large part to the support of you and the other wonderful ladies here, I have gained so much self-respect, strength, and wisdom, despite giving up a relationship that was comfortable but ultimately not healthy for me. My ex has said that, despite the incredible pain of breaking up, he too is incredibly grateful for the insight and personal growth he gained. It helped both of us in the long run, and will continue to whether we eventually get back together or not. You reminded me to keep doing the right thing by me not even two weeks ago. If I was worth that encouragement and advice, I hope you know that you are too. You are an amazing woman, and I hope that whatever decisions you make, you will make them with that in mind. <3

    And, because this whole conversation is hard and is making me sad,

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  • We all know you will not be making a decision based solely on what we say, or that you will suddenly make a decision within a matter of a short period of time.  This takes time.  It's a big decision.  We gave you a lot of food for thought, plus there's always an endless amount of cupcakes in this world for you to eat while pondering life/the situation.  Here's a *HUG* and a virtual plate o' cupcakes:

     

  • I'm so late to this post and sorry about that.  Huge hugs to you, what you are going through is emotionally, mentally and physically draining.  All I can add to what a lot of the lovely ladies have already said (and which I agree with) is that as hard as ending a relationship is where you love someone and have been together for years, there is a light at the end of the tunnel from the pain of ending it even though it might not be visable to you now.  Ending my relationship with my live-in ex of years when he wanted to marry me was full of arguments, tears, promises to change (on his end) and it gutted me and I didn't date for years after.  Guess what? I don't have a single regret about ending it.  I just want to put that perspective out there when you feel like all is lost or that this will rip your world apart for the rest of your life....find your inner strength and draw on that to make your life the life you deserve.
  • TwoDimes said:

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  • @Phira, if you are still lurking around here:

    I am so glad that J's parents 'get' that holiday's have to be split. I hope that they can help you bring J around.

    I just want you to find some measure of peace in all this. I know that you love J very much and that you really want to see this relationship work. Trust me, every girl here wants you to be happy with your choice to spend the rest of your life with J, no matter when the wedding is. Hugs!!



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