Wedding Etiquette Forum

is it rude to not serve meat?

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Re: is it rude to not serve meat?

  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited June 2014
    I don't even think you *have* to have a vegan or vegetarian option for guests. It's a courtesy to cater to someone's dietary restrictions, but I don't know that etiquette says you *have* to do it. As a guest you should be gracious about what is offered, and there are plenty of vegetarians or vegans who have no choice but to eat salad and/or mashed potatoes at weddings. That's kind of a shitty meal, but you take what you can get.

    A vegan meal is a subset of an omnivore's diet. There's nothing wrong with not offering meat. 

    I still think that if it wouldn't bother you to do so, you could offer a vegetarian option instead of strictly vegan to appeal to more picky meat and potato eaters, but you certainly don't have to. Especially if it goes against your beliefs.

    That being said, in this situation, I would prefer a meal choice with my invite so I know before hand that maybe I should eat a big lunch before the wedding. But I'll survive either way.
  • MagicInk said:
    People seem to get seriously confused between catering towards dietary restrictions and what you happen to "want" to eat.

    Wanting your entree to consist of meat because you think it tastes good is completely different than not wanting nuts in your food because you will die. I'm not really sure why this is confusing to some.

    Most courteous people will make due with what they have. Such as, I cannot eat beef. I stopped eating it when I was a child (long story....school field trip to a slaughterhouse....), I literally cannot eat it now if I tried. It makes me throw up every time. I went to a wedding last year where the entree choices were beef, salmon stuffed with lobster, and then a vegetarian dish. I chose the vegetarian dish because I could not eat the beef, and I am deathly allergic to lobster. Well the veggie dish was a risotto and tofu. I think most tofu is gross. So I ate the risotto and ate a bunch of cake. No problem.

    What were the bride and groom supposed to do? "well Iloveotters hates tofu so we have to change the whole menu!" yeah...ummm no.

    ETF - The Knot hated my paragraphs
    Who the hell thinks that's a good field trip for kids?!?!?!!!
    bahahaha. especially for 8 year olds! - I lived in a tiny farm town in indiana until I was 12. I'm very glad I moved hahaha
  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited June 2014
    snippet17 said:
    ashleyep said:
    I don't even think you *have* to have a vegan or vegetarian option for guests. It's a courtesy to cater to someone's dietary restrictions, but I don't know that etiquette says you *have* to do it. As a guest you should be gracious about what is offered, and there are plenty of vegetarians or vegans who have no choice but to eat salad and/or mashed potatoes at weddings. That's kind of a shitty meal, but you take what you can get.

    A vegan meal is a subset of an omnivore's diet. There's nothing wrong with not offering meat. 

    I still think that if it wouldn't bother you to do so, you could offer a vegetarian option instead of strictly vegan to appeal to more picky meat and potato eaters, but you certainly don't have to. Especially if it goes against your beliefs.

    That being said, in this situation, I would prefer a meal choice with my invite so I know before hand that maybe I should eat a big lunch before the wedding. But I'll survive either way.
    Vegans couldn't eat those mashed potatos and they will more likely have a meat based gravy on it so vegetarians couldn't eat it either.

    I have never been to a wedding where I have not been offered a meal. Yes, some of them sucked, but there was always a vegetarian entree for me.  If I think it is a buffet meal, I put on the rsvp that I am a vegetarian and about H's allergies. 
    Obviously I didn't mean the vegans would or could eat the mashed potatoes. I just lumped the sentence together for the sake of simplicity.

    I agree that most weddings offer a meal for those with dietary restrictions (and to be clear, I'm doing so myself), I just don't know that it's a requirement - especially if it's a burden to make a separate meal for one person (which it's usually not, caterers are used to it and there's usually something people can eat). I remember reading the comments on an article at Jezebel from vegetarians who could only eat the salads at weddings.



  • ashleyep said:
    snippet17 said:
    ashleyep said:
    I don't even think you *have* to have a vegan or vegetarian option for guests. It's a courtesy to cater to someone's dietary restrictions, but I don't know that etiquette says you *have* to do it. As a guest you should be gracious about what is offered, and there are plenty of vegetarians or vegans who have no choice but to eat salad and/or mashed potatoes at weddings. That's kind of a shitty meal, but you take what you can get.

    A vegan meal is a subset of an omnivore's diet. There's nothing wrong with not offering meat. 

    I still think that if it wouldn't bother you to do so, you could offer a vegetarian option instead of strictly vegan to appeal to more picky meat and potato eaters, but you certainly don't have to. Especially if it goes against your beliefs.

    That being said, in this situation, I would prefer a meal choice with my invite so I know before hand that maybe I should eat a big lunch before the wedding. But I'll survive either way.
    Vegans couldn't eat those mashed potatos and they will more likely have a meat based gravy on it so vegetarians couldn't eat it either.

    I have never been to a wedding where I have not been offered a meal. Yes, some of them sucked, but there was always a vegetarian entree for me.  If I think it is a buffet meal, I put on the rsvp that I am a vegetarian and about H's allergies. 
    Obviously I didn't mean the vegans would or could eat the mashed potatoes. I just lumped the sentence together for the sake of simplicity.

    I agree that most weddings offer a meal for those with dietary restrictions (and to be clear, I'm doing so myself), I just don't know that it's a requirement - especially if it's a burden to make a separate meal for one person (which it's usually not, caterers are used to it and there's usually something people can eat). I remember reading the comments on an article at Jezebel from vegetarians who could only eat the salads at weddings.


    I'm not sure what's so wrong with eating salads. According to that image lolo posted, there is plenty of protein in things found in salads lol.
    theartistformerlyknownasashleyep
  • jules3964jules3964 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2014
    Honestly I would never expect someone to offer a vegetarian meal for me at a wedding, so I wouldn't consider it rude if they didn't. In my experience, about half the time there hasn't been the option and I just ate the salad and side dishes. It was fine and I don't hold it against anyone for not providing a special meal for me. 

    That being said, I think it's absolutely wonderful when someone provides the option and it is VERY much appreciated.

    ETA: One of said weddings was that of FI's sister. My FI has been vegetarian for over 15 years, so she knew very well that he could not eat meat, but did not provide a vegetarian option. We honestly assumed that would be the case, we ate the salad/sides, and it still doesn't bother me much. However what DOES still bother me to this day is that she never sent us a thank you note for the gift we brought… but that's another story.
  • MagicInk said:
    People seem to get seriously confused between catering towards dietary restrictions and what you happen to "want" to eat.

    Wanting your entree to consist of meat because you think it tastes good is completely different than not wanting nuts in your food because you will die. I'm not really sure why this is confusing to some.

    Most courteous people will make due with what they have. Such as, I cannot eat beef. I stopped eating it when I was a child (long story....school field trip to a slaughterhouse....), I literally cannot eat it now if I tried. It makes me throw up every time. I went to a wedding last year where the entree choices were beef, salmon stuffed with lobster, and then a vegetarian dish. I chose the vegetarian dish because I could not eat the beef, and I am deathly allergic to lobster. Well the veggie dish was a risotto and tofu. I think most tofu is gross. So I ate the risotto and ate a bunch of cake. No problem.

    What were the bride and groom supposed to do? "well Iloveotters hates tofu so we have to change the whole menu!" yeah...ummm no.

    ETF - The Knot hated my paragraphs
    Who the hell thinks that's a good field trip for kids?!?!?!!!






    SITB

    True story, in second grade we went and visited all the local businesses in town. It included the slaughterhouse and a funeral home. Oddly enough I was way more disturbed by the funeral home then all the dead cows hanging by hooks. This was in Central PA. 
  • jenajjthr said:
    I wanted to know why one host (meat eater/omnivore) has to offer a choice, but one host (vegetarian/vegan) doesn't have to take ALL their guests into consideration. I did serve a vegan option at my wedding. I will be taking my now diagnosed diabetic niece and newly diagnosed niece with Crohn's at the graduation party for my stepson into consideration, no vegetarians this time. I do have vegetarian friends, none vegan, and although none would go so far as to provide steak, they would take my comfort level into account when having me at their hosted event. That may mean finding some meat dish or finding a non meat dish that isn't to their particular liking. I didn't like the vegetarian option at my wedding, but then again, I wasn't eating eat, they were. I made sure their comfort came before my own, like a good host should. That is my point. It stops being about me when I invite others. I kind of get annoyed that I'm told that I can suck it up for one meal, but gosh darn it my vegan friends can't. You are right, they can't. It would be downright rude. So it is to be just as rude to me. Doesn't mean you have to give this "entitled" meat eater steak, but it would be nice if you gave me just as much consideration as this meat eater gave you.

    Well, because the reason vegans and vegetarians avoid meat is often for religious, ethical, or medical reasons. Reasonable people honor that and provide for an alternative. The reason you eat only meat (apparently) is personal taste and preference. This is simply not important to anyone but yourself. In addition, it would be assumed that you could consume vegetables or pasta, which would probably be part of the vegan choices. If there was some real reason that you couldn't and had to rely soley on meat or go hungry, then, yes, I would provide a special meal for you.
    annathy03ashley8918
  • I have a friend who is vegetarian (use to be a vegan) and if she has all vegetarian food at her wedding the I will eat it. She is paying for her wedding and deserves to get what she wants. Some of these people would be shocked to find out that vegetarian food and vegan food is not all that bad. I am big meat person. I love steaks (and eat them medium rare) and I still aboslutley love some of the things my friend cooks! Be open minded. It is like going to wedding of people who live in other countries. Would you throw a fit if you went over to wedding in Africa and get mad because they had traditional african food instead of the typical wedding food here? Or to a wedding where alochol is not served? I really hope not. As long as their is enough food to be considered a meal everyone should be grateful for what is given.
  • 9 pages, seriously? 9 freaking pages of this?
    ashley8918
  • AlexisA01AlexisA01 Dubai, my royal playground. member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    snippet17 said:
    ashleyep said:
    snippet17 said:
    ashleyep said:
    I don't even think you *have* to have a vegan or vegetarian option for guests. It's a courtesy to cater to someone's dietary restrictions, but I don't know that etiquette says you *have* to do it. As a guest you should be gracious about what is offered, and there are plenty of vegetarians or vegans who have no choice but to eat salad and/or mashed potatoes at weddings. That's kind of a shitty meal, but you take what you can get.

    A vegan meal is a subset of an omnivore's diet. There's nothing wrong with not offering meat. 

    I still think that if it wouldn't bother you to do so, you could offer a vegetarian option instead of strictly vegan to appeal to more picky meat and potato eaters, but you certainly don't have to. Especially if it goes against your beliefs.

    That being said, in this situation, I would prefer a meal choice with my invite so I know before hand that maybe I should eat a big lunch before the wedding. But I'll survive either way.
    Vegans couldn't eat those mashed potatos and they will more likely have a meat based gravy on it so vegetarians couldn't eat it either.

    I have never been to a wedding where I have not been offered a meal. Yes, some of them sucked, but there was always a vegetarian entree for me.  If I think it is a buffet meal, I put on the rsvp that I am a vegetarian and about H's allergies. 
    Obviously I didn't mean the vegans would or could eat the mashed potatoes. I just lumped the sentence together for the sake of simplicity.

    I agree that most weddings offer a meal for those with dietary restrictions (and to be clear, I'm doing so myself), I just don't know that it's a requirement - especially if it's a burden to make a separate meal for one person (which it's usually not, caterers are used to it and there's usually something people can eat). I remember reading the comments on an article at Jezebel from vegetarians who could only eat the salads at weddings.


    One of the vegetarian entrees at a wedding I went to last year was so bad that I wished I could have ate the side salad.  They refused to give me a salad without the ceasar dressing. I could understand if I was asking for this or to take out that, but the dressing made no sense.  Specially when I saw them putting the dressing on the salads 3 feet away from our table.
    Now that is insane.

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    snippet17ashley8918cupcait927
  • I was a vegetarian for a few years and while I've since done a 180, whenever people made me something "special" because I was a vegetarian, it always involved vegetables that I absolutely hate...like cauliflour, broccoli and cabbage. 

    Also, my family thought all of my tofu, TVP, soy etc... products were disgusting and weren't willing to try them...

    So I'd suggest some cool salad bar or salad options, some sort of simple pasta with a tomato-based sauce, maybe some bruschetta or soups...    One of my favorite dishes is an heirloom tomato torte. Those are the types of things my family would eat anyway.
  • I think people often forget that this is one meal for one day. As long as there is not an allergen issue, people will probably forget what they ate that day and if they absolutely hate your options, they will make due with the sides/salads/cake.
    ashleyep
  • jules3964 said:
    Honestly I would never expect someone to offer a vegetarian meal for me at a wedding, so I wouldn't consider it rude if they didn't. In my experience, about half the time there hasn't been the option and I just ate the salad and side dishes. It was fine and I don't hold it against anyone for not providing a special meal for me. 

    That being said, I think it's absolutely wonderful when someone provides the option and it is VERY much appreciated.

    ETA: One of said weddings was that of FI's sister. My FI has been vegetarian for over 15 years, so she knew very well that he could not eat meat, but did not provide a vegetarian option. We honestly assumed that would be the case, we ate the salad/sides, and it still doesn't bother me much. However what DOES still bother me to this day is that she never sent us a thank you note for the gift we brought… but that's another story.
    This made me wonder - did you mention that you were a vegetarian? We offer two meal choices - chicken and fish, but there is a vegetarian option for those who can't eat either. And I know they can handle gluten allergies and whatnot. But they're not formal choices, so I would expect that someone who can't eat either of the meal choices would make a note on the response card. Is that a fair assumption?
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    I will admit I would be happier with a vegetarian meal than a vegan meal.  What can I say I like the taste of cheese and butter.    Vegan is to extreme for me. Regardless of either choice,  I flat out refuse to touch tofu.    

    Anyway, as a guest I would not expect a vegan to serve me meat.   I pretty much side-eye anyone who thinks they should.  How strange.


    If ASKED and the vegan mentions they have a lot of meat eaters then I often suggest that vegetarian meals over vegan meals might be a better choice.  A little more "normal" if you will for the mainstream.   But it's not a deal breaker by any means.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    pinkshorts27ashleyepPrettyGirlLost
  • jules3964jules3964 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2014
    ashleyep said:
    jules3964 said:
    Honestly I would never expect someone to offer a vegetarian meal for me at a wedding, so I wouldn't consider it rude if they didn't. In my experience, about half the time there hasn't been the option and I just ate the salad and side dishes. It was fine and I don't hold it against anyone for not providing a special meal for me. 

    That being said, I think it's absolutely wonderful when someone provides the option and it is VERY much appreciated.

    ETA: One of said weddings was that of FI's sister. My FI has been vegetarian for over 15 years, so she knew very well that he could not eat meat, but did not provide a vegetarian option. We honestly assumed that would be the case, we ate the salad/sides, and it still doesn't bother me much. However what DOES still bother me to this day is that she never sent us a thank you note for the gift we brought… but that's another story.
    This made me wonder - did you mention that you were a vegetarian? We offer two meal choices - chicken and fish, but there is a vegetarian option for those who can't eat either. And I know they can handle gluten allergies and whatnot. But they're not formal choices, so I would expect that someone who can't eat either of the meal choices would make a note on the response card. Is that a fair assumption?
    In situations where we were not given a veggie option, there were not dinner choices listed on the RSVP — they just served everyone the same meal. So no, we didn't mention it.

    If it just listed chicken or fish as you describe, nowadays (because of wedding planning experience) I would know to make a note on the response card or call, but in the past I wouldn't have—I just wouldn't want to ask people to make special plans just for me. Now I know that it's pretty common for caterers to accommodate vegetarians as needed.
  • Awesome, thanks @jules3964. We did add a note about listing any dietary restrictions.
    jules3964
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    acaton5 said:
    For what it's worth, as someone with Celiac's disease, I would give my left arm to have the CHOICE to be as picky about my food as some of you are. FFS. Although I'm sure a few vegetables have maybe killed someone somewhere, they probably aren't going to kill you. We have all eaten our share of tasteless, dry, & overcooked wedding food with a smile. You are lucky that on your way home you CAN just grab a big mac. 

    And to the poster who was having GF cupcakes at the reception, you are awesome (it's a few pages back and I am too lazy to go find it again)! While I am grateful to be accommodated for the meal, I have been to at least 5 weddings since I've been diagnosed and never once has there been a dessert for me to eat. I never expect it (although a little part of me always hopes) and I don't expect anyone to go out of their way just for me, but I would be so touched if someone actually did think of me and have GF cupcakes. Thumbs up to you! 
    I plan to let her know ahead of time which ones are GF, and she will be fully accommodated at the reception. I'm even making sure I get her a bunch of Red Bridge beer, and whatever kind of wine she wants. I know how inconvenient dining out is for her, and as she is one of my besties, I want to make sure she doesn't have to worry about eating anything that will make her sick so that she can have a great time without worry.

    As far as other guests go, anyone with allergies or needs vegan/veg options will be happily accommodated as well. Being nice to your guests is the way to go.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
  • So I know this finally got put to rest... but had to add....

    Went to a wedding this Saturday (vast improvement on the one the week prior).
    It was vegetarian which I didn't know going in but should have guessed since I know the groom and his immediate family are all no-meat.

    The wedding I went to last week was beef and chicken at a country club.
    The food at this veggie wedding blew that out of water.

    Passed apps:
    Roasted pepper and cheese panninis
    Shots of spicy corn chowder
    Some sort of kale tart wrapped in pastry dough
    Sort sort bean & cheese tart wrapped in pastry dough

    Buffet:
    Rolls & bread
    Standard mixed green salad
    Buttery asparagus
    Snap peas & tomato salad
    Califlour & some other stuff (I didn't look close enough at that one...)
    Mini twice baked russet sweet potatoes
    Cheese & broccli tortellini with tomatoes or peppers or something (can't remember exactly what, but was good!)
    Pea & carrot risotto (so yum. Had a big helping of that...)
    Eggplant parm
    Two kinds of cake
    A bar with a wide selection of candy

    Totally fantastic and I didn't go hungry because I could skip the things I don't like, (eggplant, califllower), and still had plenty.

    So I'm now officially in the "not rude at all. And if the selection is wide enough, anyone who complains is a baby" camp.
    beethery
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