Could you forgive your FI/Husband for cheating on you?

larrygaga

I used to think I would probably forgive him even if I didn't want to, because I love him too much to let him go. However, I had a dream last night that he cheated on me and I slapped the shit out of him and left him to be alone and miserable. I think I would hope I could forgive him and move on, but in reality I would be so mad and I would be GONE.

Not a good dream. 

BlackLace2015

I could never. My ex-husband cheated on me after I gave him the benefit of the doubt a couple times but finally after hearing about it again through friends I threw my wedding band IN THE TRASH at my friends house and tried to go home and beat him up LOL. Luckily my friends stopped me.

KatieinBkln

Ugh, terrible dream!

I think it would probably depend on the nature of the cheating. One-time drunken slip-up? I would be PISSED, and the consequences would be SERIOUS, but I could probably get over it. An affair with emotional cheating as well? Get out. Get out and don't come back.

On the other hand I feel like it's kind of disingenuous to speculate--I have no idea how I'd really feel, even in the event of a "slip-up." Like, how do you slip up that badly? I feel like the "holy shit I'm making out with someone who isn't my spouse" moment would HAVE to happen before the "and now we're copulating" moment, so anyone who can't put the brakes on has some serious other issues, issues that I don't believe my particular SO has. (I mean, never say never, but loyalty is kind of his thing). I don't ever buy that "it just happened." Like, really? There are logistics to sex, man. You have to get somewhere private, remove clothing, think about protection (god, hopefully), and then actually do the act. There are natural pauses in the process during which a decent person has the option to come to his/her senses. 

So...maybe I wouldn't forgive even a slip-up. But who knows? 

That dream sounds super awful, by the way. I hope you made yourself and Irish coffee to help put it behind you.

monkeysip

I would try really hard to forgive him, but I don't know if I could stay with him.  It would depend on so many factors... when was it, for how long, with how many women, how he felt about this woman(en), was he truly remorseful, would he seek counseling, etc.  It's just so hard to know how you'll react unless you've been there, and thank God, I haven't been there yet and hopefully never will be.

JCbride2015

I don't know.  When I've speculated about it, I pretty much come down exactly where @KatieinBkln is.  I'd like to think I could forgive a single slip-up, but I might just be too enraged.

I'm interested why we often speculate on whether our SO's would cheat, but never on whether we ourselves would cheat.  Obviously I think I never would (so does everyone, I hope).  I also think Fi never would.

climbingsingle

I guess the circumstances would really matter. If it was a one time thing, I'd like to think I could forgive him and that we'd stay together. If it was an on-going affair, I don't know if I could forgive that. 

BlackLace2015

In my case I had already caught him doing several things (he had match.com mobile on his phone, was a member on an "adult dating" site, texts sent to a friend from back home planning a secret visit) so I knew he was just looking for anything casual to sleep around behind my back. Not cool.

KatieinBkln

JCbride2015 said:

I don't know.  When I've speculated about it, I pretty much come down exactly where @KatieinBkln is.  I'd like to think I could forgive a single slip-up, but I might just be too enraged.

I'm interested why we often speculate on whether our SO's would cheat, but never on whether we ourselves would cheat.  Obviously I think I never would (so does everyone, I hope).  I also think Fi never would.

I have actually had really scary dreams about cheating on my SO--they always begin in medias res, so I have no idea how I actually managed to be making out with this rando. It's really disorienting, but funnily enough, my actual consciousness usually butts in before my dream-self does anything too terrible. Like, I'll be making out with Random Stranger, and all of a sudden my dream-brain goes, "But wait. This isn't FI! Where's FI? I DON'T LIKE THIS."

So, yeah, even in my dreams I don't want to cheat on him, which is a relief. (Not to say that dreaming about sleeping with someone else means ANYTHING about a person's real-life loyalties. I don't think we should be held accountable for our dreams).

theartistformerlyknownas

Nope. Never. You don't slip and fall into a vagina.

And emotional cheating is worse. That's how my mom tore our family apart... I need to trust you to come to me BEFORE you feel the need to turn to someone else. If I can't trust you with that, what's left?

pinkcow13

IDK. I don't think I could forgive any type of cheating but I have no idea. I think it would depend on the nature of the cheating. If it were a drunken makeout session at the bar, I would be livid, but I THINK I would forgive that. Sex? Nope. There is a lot that is involved with that. Emotional long term affair,nope. 

My friend cheated on her ex fiance. With 3 different dudes. She confessed to him, and he called up one of the guys who told him "Yea, I smashed her while she had her ring on." And somehow, he was willing to try to make it work, and is still trying to get back together with her, even though he has since moved out the apartment. Something like that, I know I could NEVER forgive.

buttercup1958

I'm not sure. I think I could forgive a one time deal. But who knows? I've dream of cheating on v and I usually wake up crying ha. Most of the time I stop it, I think its more of a nightmare. I know v would never cheat on me though. I completely trust him. He even told me when he gave a girl I kinda know a ride back to her house. So I never really think of it.

NYCBruin

I have no idea how I would actually respond, but based on how I react to most situations when I'm hurt/betrayed I think I would probably cry for about ten minutes, which would then turn into rage which would then be channeled into "fix it" mode. I imagine within the hour I'd be on the phone with a moving company and a locksmith.  

slothiegal

TwoDimes said:

Forgive, probably eventually, especially if there are kids involved. Stay together? I don't think so. I just don't think I'd be able to get past the idea that he betrayed me. 

All the cheating dreams I have are the other way around: I dream that I am the cheater, cheating on FI. It sort of creeps me out because I've never been cheated IRL or been tempted to. What is my subconscious trying to tell me?!

Ick.  I have those too.  Most of them are me cheating on FI with exes.  I always end up waking up both of us, because I'll get night sweats and drench the bed.  Gross.

I don't know what if I would do if FI cheated on me.  Hopefully I'll never find out.

I had an ex that cheated on me and was absolutely destroyed...I basically pathetically begged him, "just stop it right now, we can still be together!"  Of course he didn't and he left me for her.  Fast forward a year and I was back with him, always on edge and scared it would happen again (you can probably guess how well that worked out).  Of course, I was a lot younger and dumber then.

cupcait927

I'm so sorry you had a dream like that! Those the worst. You wake up feeling crummy even though it was just a dream.

I couldn't forgive FI if he ever did that to me. I was cheated on in every serious relationship I had (made very poor choices in SOs) and FI knows this. He knows how much it's affected me and how devastating it was to me. If he ever cheated on me, even a one time slip up, I'd be gone. I simply don't have time in my life anymore for people who treat me with that little respect. I know he'd also do the same if, god forbid, I ever cheated on him. Done deal.

wandajune6

It depends.

People usually don't cheat without a reason. It seems like for one-night stands that reason is usually a combination of alcohol and opportunity. That's easier to forgive - though not forget- than an affair. An affair doesn't happen without reason. It also can't happen without lying. For me, the sex would hurt and the lying would destroy me but it would be the fact that my partner started a new relationship with someone else that would be the ultimate relationship killer. Sometimes sex is just sex but creating an emotional connection with someone else would be an emotional betrayl.

I had a boyfriend cheat on me once. I forgave it and we lasted for quite a while after that. I once ended a relationship because I realized that I was ready to have an affair. That realization was enough for me to see that it was time leave.

FiancB

I don't think so. I also realize that some situations are more forgivable than others, but I'm not very forgiving. I can hold a grudge and I don't think I could get over it. I can honestly say I have ZERO desire to get it on with anyone other than FI (that hasn't been the case in past relationships) and I hope he feels the same. 

I don't know that I'd immediately leave, depending on the circumstances... but I think it would tear things apart and build enough resentment so that I would eventually. 

sarawifenow

What a horrible dream! I hate those...you wake up with so much anxiety.

I guess, like PPs have said, it would depend a lot on the circumstances. I love FI so much that I have a hard time picturing me leaving him. That being said, I have been cheated on in multiple relationships. I know how toxic that can be to a relationship and how much havoc it wreaks. Hopefully I will never have to find out if I could forgive him or not!

Jells2dot0

I suspected strongly that my XH cheated on me. I could never prove it and he never admitted it. He would lie to me about the dumbest shit, so I never thought he would admit it. Anyway, I'm not with him anymore, so I suppose that partially answers the question!

sophhabobopha

I really don't think I could. I love Fi so much, but I don't think I could look at him the same way. And I know he'd be gone if I did. I've been cheated on before, and I just tried to ignore it, but I couldn't. It spoiled everything good about that relationship. I couldn't even trust him going to work, because the girl was a coworker. What's the point then?

birdybride2014

I agree with PPs. It would make a difference to me if it was a slip up versus a long term thing.

But also, even if it was just a slip up, if anyone else in the world knew about it then I think my pride would take over and I'd be forced to leave him out of embarrassment. Is that pathetic? I don't know..

Let's hope it never happens!

MamaAlly89

Even if I could forgive him, there is no way I could ever trust him again. With out trust you can't have a relationship.

climbingsingle

Jells2dot0 said:

I suspected strongly that my XH cheated on me. I could never prove it and he never admitted it. He would lie to me about the dumbest shit, so I never thought he would admit it. Anyway, I'm not with him anymore, so I suppose that partially answers the question!

This sounds exactly like my ex-husband. I'm almost positive he cheated. And he would lied to me about the most ridiculous stuff. 

ShallowSeas

Never. I have zero tolerance for it and would never be able to trust him. My ex-H cheated one me and so I filed for divorce 3 days after I found out. I had people say to me, "You're divorcing him because he cheated on you ONCE?!" Uh, yeah, one time is one time too many.

ShallowSeas

TwoDimes said:

Forgive, probably eventually, especially if there are kids involved. Stay together? I don't think so. I just don't think I'd be able to get past the idea that he betrayed me. 

All the cheating dreams I have are the other way around: I dream that I am the cheater, cheating on FI. It sort of creeps me out because I've never cheated IRL or been tempted to. What is my subconscious trying to tell me?!

I have dreams where I cheat on FI, too. I don't understand them. I have never cheated on FI or anyone I've dated. It makes me feel awful to have those dreams, but its not like a cheating dream where I enjoy it. Usually in my dreams, I remember cheating on FI a while back and then I feel horrible and end up telling him. I've had dreams where FI cheated on me...not fun. I always wake up in a bad mood when that happens.

BlackLace2015

 

 

severmilli12 said:

Never. I have zero tolerance for it and would never be able to trust him with.  My ex-H cheated one me and so I filed for divorce 3 days after I found out. I had people say to me, "You're divorcing him because he cheating one you ONCE?!" Uh, yeah, one time is one time too many.

If people want to try and work things out that's their business but if someone cheats on me they BETTER not be surprised if I'm gone! LOL

Cookie Pusher

I would probably forgive him in the broad sense of the term, but no way would I stay with him. Having been the one cheating in past relationships, I know that it's a lot more complicated than "oops, it just happened". If I can keep it in my pants, he should be able to keep it in his.

natswild

FI and I have both been cheated on in prior relationships, so nope.  Wouldn't happen.  He divorced his ex-wife because of her cheating.  It would be too much of a betrayal.

bethsmiles

I don't know if I would leave him, it would depend on the circumstances, but it would take me a very long time to forgive and there would be immediate couples counseling. 

theartistformerlyknownas

RE: dreaming about cheating... dreams very rarely actually mean directly what happens in the dream. Dreaming about cheating doesn't mean you subconsciously want to cheat. I've read it usually has more to do with your own feelings of guilt.

From teh googles:

To dream that you are the one having an affair suggests feelings of self-guilt and self-betrayal. You have compromised your beliefs or integrity. Sometimes the cheating may not be about your relationship, but rather a situation where you cheated or where you were being dishonest.

Alternatively, your affair with someone else may be about some quality in this person that you need to incorporate or acknowledge within your own self. For example, if you are cheating on your mate with your boss, then the dream may signify your desires for control, power and authority.

Cheating dreams may also reflect the intensity of your sexual passion; you are exploring areas of your sexuality. In this scenario, the dream may actually serve as a reaffirmation of your commitment to your relationship. If you are approaching your own wedding date, then it is not uncommon to have dreams about erotic experiences with partners other than your intended spouse. Such a dream represents the newness of your sexual passion. It is important to note that such a dream does not mean that you will stray or that your dream is telling you that you are with the wrong person.

ShallowSeas

BlackLace2015 said:

 

 

severmilli12 said:

Never. I have zero tolerance for it and would never be able to trust him with.  My ex-H cheated one me and so I filed for divorce 3 days after I found out. I had people say to me, "You're divorcing him because he cheating one you ONCE?!" Uh, yeah, one time is one time too many.

If people want to try and work things out that's their business but if someone cheats on me they BETTER not be surprised if I'm gone! LOL

exactly!! Cheating is such a horrible thing to do to a person.  If my ex-H wasn't happy or didn't want to be married to me anymore then he should've came to me and told me. I would much rather him say, "hey, I want a divorce because I don't want to be with you anymore" than to cheat on me. That was the hardest thing I've ever went through and I still struggle with trust issues now because of it. Its so selfish, i just have no tolerance for it. And he knew that. Before we got married I told him there were only 2 reasons I would ever divorce him: 1. If he abused me in any way and 2. if he cheated on me.

So I left in a heartbeat. Best thing I've ever done.

JennyColada

I don't know. Maybe.

I'm ok with open and non-monogamous relationships, and while we don't exactly have an open relationship now if there was someone that I wanted to pursue sexually then I know that I could talk to Fi about it and we'd figure out what to do.

All that being said, I think I would be even more hurt if Fi decided that he needed to go behind my back and lie to me about an interaction. Plus it would make me seriously reconsider the type of person that he is to me.

But if he just wants to sleep around then he just needs to ask. I'd probably be excited to hook him up with someone.