Could you forgive your FI/Husband for cheating on you?

VulgarGirl

I think what would bother me most would be the lack of honesty. I'm big on honesty, and we've discussed having a possibly less than monogamous relationship and what that would mean and what rules there would be, but we haven't really pursued it (a few threesomes with women we didn't know well and never saw again). So if FI was wanting to try sleeping someone else and didn't come to me with it, that'd hurt. 

At this point, we tell each other everything. We've both seen how bad keeping secrets can be. How much damage it can cause. I'd rather her be honest about what she wanting then sneak around. The deception would bother me the most.

That being said, it's not something I've thought a lot about. I just can't see her cheating on me. And I'm usually terrified of being left, but never with her. I've never worried about it or thought about it. And I can't even explain why. 

jdluvr06

flantastic said:

jdluvr06 said:

I'd like to say that I would forgive him but it would really depend on the situation. Confession time. I half feel I like I would have to forgive if he slipped up once because when we first started dating, like we had only been together for a few months, I cheated on him and he forgave me. This was before I was completely clean. I was trying to straighten myself up and I had a night where I completely broke down and did some wildly stupid regrettable stuff. At the same time though, I feel like there is a huge difference when you slip up when you are first dating someone and the relationship is still new and a slip up when you're engaged/married/seriously committed to someone.

There is one person who cheated on their SO whom I respect.

She cheated on him for like, months. People kind of knew, except the SO, who she was pretty good at manipulating. Eventually, she had some sort of realization and stopped it and told him. Reasons why I can respect her:

A) It was high school, and people are immature idiots in high school.

She stopped, told him, and talked through it and apologized to both guys - the SO for obvious reasons, the other guy for leading him on (he knew about her SO, but the affair was still leading him on in a way). The SO was willing to forgive her and move on, but she basically said, "No, I do think I love you in several ways, but I clearly am not able to give you the respect you deserve, and that would be crucial to the kind of love we'd need for a relationship in the future. We have to be done."

C) I am absolutely certain that she will never do it again in any relationship, especially her FI. She told him about the previous situation about 6 months into their dating relationship, and was so torn up that it was something she was even capable of doing that he thought that said it all. She's probably more worried about her capacity to do it again than anyone else is.

For me it was just a one night thing and it was honestly out of character. This happened right about the time I hit rock bottom and about a week before I went into rehab. It is a period of my life that I'm super ashamed of.

WinstonsGirl

No chance in hell would I stay.  DH and I had that conversation pretty early on and we both feel the same way.  It's an automatic deal breaker.  

I did have a dream once where DH cheated on me, and I was so pissed when I woke up.  He didn't understand why at first, till I told him.  H then told me that it was my brain making him cheat but I was still mad for a good 15 minutes before I calmed down.  

beethery

MagicInk said:

I think what would bother me most would be the lack of honesty. I'm big on honesty, and we've discussed having a possibly less than monogamous relationship and what that would mean and what rules there would be, but we haven't really pursued it (a few threesomes with women we didn't know well and never saw again). So if FI was wanting to try sleeping someone else and didn't come to me with it, that'd hurt. 

At this point, we tell each other everything. We've both seen how bad keeping secrets can be. How much damage it can cause. I'd rather her be honest about what she wanting then sneak around. The deception would bother me the most.

That being said, it's not something I've thought a lot about. I just can't see her cheating on me. And I'm usually terrified of being left, but never with her. I've never worried about it or thought about it. And I can't even explain why. 

I have the same thing with my FI. The only reason cheating was ever brought up was the few times we talked about exes, and we just agreed that if for some WIIIIIILD reason either of us cheats we're done. That said, FI has never made me suspicious, and it's not something I worry about at all. Hopefully he feels the same way.

RissAnn1970

I have no desire to forgive cheating.

NavyBlue143

I don't think I could forgive. I'm like Mr. Darcy, my good opinion once lost is lost forever. Communication is super important to me, so if he was unhappy and didn't have the decency to tell me, I could never trust him again.

On the other hand, I can understand why a person would. H and I have a shitty sex life because of his low T, and it makes me feel so unwanted sometimes, I can understand why someone would get tired of feeling undesirable and would gravitate some who did desire them. I wouldn't because I couldn't hurt my husband over something he can do little to control, but I can understand why a person would be tempted, I guess.

izza2

A bit off topic, but.. The amount of cheating dreams I've had (of my FI cheating on me, I mean) is ridiculous.

I used to think it was because I'm so insecure, and then I realized that it's largely due to the last few topics we talk about before I pass out for the night.

Like, if we talk about his son, we end up talking about his son's mother (previous relationship right after he left college; five years ago, actually), and then I end up having a cheating dream. If we watch a TV show that had cheating in it? Cheating dream. If we make a joke about one of us cheating (as in, jokingly asking "did you do her?" or something of the sort)? Cheating dream.

And sometimes if I'm just really angry before I fall asleep, I have a dream that he cheated and is leaving me for the other woman - and most of the time I'm pregnant and about ready to pop in the dream?

Yeah, ridiculous.

But, to be more on topic; could I forgive him for cheating? Maybe. I like to think that we could work through that rough patch and I'd learn to re-trust him and he'd re-learn to come to me and communicate before turning to another woman, but I honestly don't know if that would happen. More likely, though, I wouldn't end up forgiving him. Maybe in a really long time, but at that point we wouldn't be together. I just don't think I'd be able to handle the nagging doubt and worries.

I'd never take the "it just happened" excuse, nor would I accept intoxication as an excuse. I've been drunk at parties before and never once did the thought of cheating on my partner(s) at those times cross my mind. I just don't accept it as an excuse.

Plus, FI and I don't drink unless we're at home together, or with each other at a friend's get-together, and even then only one of us drinks so the other can drive. If one of us started getting drunk when out and not with the other -- we'd be having some serious marital issues that we hadn't worked through.

Sammyantha13

I know that I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship if FI cheated.  I could probably forgive him because I love him and I know he is a good guy, but I would not have any trust left. Honestly I worry that if he cheated on me I would never be able to have trust in anyone again, and I'll end up being alone for the rest of my life.  Ugh.  When it comes to cheating I feel like I sort of have 'mean world syndrome'...I'm always hearing from acquaintances and reading in magazines how everyone is being cheated on, and it just makes me feel like a monogamous relationship is nearly impossible.  

I've always dated good guys and never been cheated on.  But I did cheat on an old boyfriend once.  I was 18, and was a freshman at a major university that was seven hours away from my home.  I cheated on the guy that I had dated for my whole senior year of high school, and I immediately broke things off with him after that happened.  I know that I wouldn't do that again, it was an immature mistake.  So sometimes I feel like karma is going to come back around to me and I will get cheated on.

I've been with FI for 6 years, since the beginning of our sophomore year of college.  I am his first and only serious relationship.  We did have an incident about a year ago (he was at military training in FL) where he let a girl friend of his sleep in his room one night because she was super drunk and he was also somewhat tipsy and couldn't drive her home, otherwise he would have.  I know nothing happened between them and he felt bad and pretty much told me first thing the next morning, but he knew that this was something that would bother me and she is a promiscuous lady.  But it was pretty easy to get over because I know he was just trying to be a good friend to her and keep her from getting in trouble with another guy.  My only issue is that they're in the same squadron and will be deploying at the same times...think positive thoughts.  

We've discussed it before and he always says that he has no desire to cheat.  He says he would let me know if things were ever getting close to that point, and therefore we would be more likely to get divorced before he cheated on me.  Of course growing up in the military, he saw a lot of wives cheat on their husbands while deployed, so in the back of his mind he worries about me a little bit.  But I reassure him as well that I have no interest.