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Could you forgive your FI/Husband for cheating on you?

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Re: Could you forgive your FI/Husband for cheating on you?

  • I'd forgive him, but I don't know that I'd want to stay married to him.

    For me, it's mostly a respect thing. I expect him to respect our relationship and my physical and emotional welfare above the desire to have a sexual or emotional relationship with someone else.

    If he has the desire for someone else (which I think is a fair thing to experience), he either remains dedicated to the permanent relationship he has with me and works to avoid that experience, or he has the balls and respect to tell me that he'd rather be with someone else.

    I know there are always various circumstances and you can't make blanket rules, but for me personally, cheating is one of the highest forms of disrespect to and disregard for someone you're supposed to prioritize above all others.

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    cupcait927RebeccaB88Fran1985
  • FI has told me multiple times that he doesn't understand why people cheat. To him, if you're miserable enough to want to be with someone else, then break up and ACTUALLY be with someone else. For him, that's logical. I know he would leave me if he ever had an inkling to cheat, so that he wouldn't be cheating. Of course, that's not something I think he'd ever do anyway, but at least I know his brain doesn't work that way and he'll be honest with me.

    I've been cheated on before. I'm still very bitter about that relationship, even now. It hurts people and I still have deep emotional scars from it.

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  • It depends entirely on the circumstances, so I can't answer this in the hypothetical. Maybe, maybe not.
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
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    I don't think I could.
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  • KytchynWitcheKytchynWitche Ridin' the Zebra member
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    Those dreams are the worst. I get them sometimes too, although usually I'm the cheater not the cheatee (is that a word?). I guess it's because I was a serial cheater in my teen years, and it's hard to get away from that. On a psychological level, I mean. I would never cheat on FI. Unless somehow David Tennant and/or Anna Kendrick were available, and then I'm pretty sure FI would be all over that anyway.

    I can't even imagine FI cheating on me, but I like to think that I would forgive him because I love him so much. At the same time, my track record for having been cheated on proves that I am a vindictive cow who will cut a bitch. So, I dunno. I guess it's the sort of thing that you never really know until you're in that situation, and hopefully none of us will be in that situation.
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  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
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    Those dreams are the worst. I get them sometimes too, although usually I'm the cheater not the cheatee (is that a word?). I guess it's because I was a serial cheater in my teen years, and it's hard to get away from that. On a psychological level, I mean. I would never cheat on FI. Unless somehow David Tennant and/or Anna Kendrick were available, and then I'm pretty sure FI would be all over that anyway.

    I can't even imagine FI cheating on me, but I like to think that I would forgive him because I love him so much. At the same time, my track record for having been cheated on proves that I am a vindictive cow who will cut a bitch. So, I dunno. I guess it's the sort of thing that you never really know until you're in that situation, and hopefully none of us will be in that situation.
    My FI cheated on me with Donna Noble in my dream. Legit.
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  • I never thought I would be able to stay, but my FI has cheated on me, yet we are still together. He knocked up some hideous high school slut 6 years his junior (altho God knows who the dad was with all the guys she was screwing at the time. Baby was terminated shortly after) and put me in the hospital. He had alcohol issues and a drug dependence stemming from heavy doses of pain killers his doc prescribedwhen FI shattered his knees playing rugby.

    I was 6 weeks pregnant with our son and moved to another state at the time. A month later, FI came down to find me. He had sobered up and started a program to get him get back on track. Unfortunately we lost the baby at four months along, shortly after he cleaned up his act. But we did end up working things out and getting counseling. We have a much healthier relationship now and are stronger for it.
  • KytchynWitcheKytchynWitche Ridin' the Zebra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    larrygaga said:
    Those dreams are the worst. I get them sometimes too, although usually I'm the cheater not the cheatee (is that a word?). I guess it's because I was a serial cheater in my teen years, and it's hard to get away from that. On a psychological level, I mean. I would never cheat on FI. Unless somehow David Tennant and/or Anna Kendrick were available, and then I'm pretty sure FI would be all over that anyway.

    I can't even imagine FI cheating on me, but I like to think that I would forgive him because I love him so much. At the same time, my track record for having been cheated on proves that I am a vindictive cow who will cut a bitch. So, I dunno. I guess it's the sort of thing that you never really know until you're in that situation, and hopefully none of us will be in that situation.
    My FI cheated on me with Donna Noble in my dream. Legit.
    I would be pissed at FI if he cheated on me with Donna Noble... and didn't ask me to join in! LOL
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  • It depends on the situation, how I react. If it were right now, I'd baseball bat his ass into the street and refuse to even speak to him again except through a divorce attorney.

    If I had kids and were financially dependent, I'd be hurt, but then re-negotiate the terms of our marriage. It would become an open marriage while I bettered my position, then divorce his ass and move on with life. I've been through enough douchey relationships that I could emotionally divorce myself from him if provoked. I aint got no time for that drama anymore.



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  • No.  Deal-breaker. 

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    RebeccaB88
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Not a chance in hell. He and I have both been cheated on by past shitty exes, and we have agreed that neither of us is going to tolerate getting involved with a side piece. 

    You get in someone else's head and get in their underwear as well? Hope that shit is WONDERFUL, because you clearly don't need anything from me anymore! Bye!
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

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    cupcait927
  • My first BF cheated on me and it destroyed me. I made it very clear to DH when we first started dating that cheating was a deal breaker for me. There was a close call about 3.5 years ago when we were going through a tough time. He was out with friends and one of the girls invited him back to her place. He didn't go because he didn't know how he could come home to me after, and how he could look at himself in the mirror knowing that he cheated. He realized that cheating shows a lack of respect for your partner, and that it is better to either work through the problem or say you are not happy/want to be with some one else and end things.

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  • I'd like to say that I would forgive him but it would really depend on the situation. Confession time. I half feel I like I would have to forgive if he slipped up once because when we first started dating, like we had only been together for a few months, I cheated on him and he forgave me. This was before I was completely clean. I was trying to straighten myself up and I had a night where I completely broke down and did some wildly stupid regrettable stuff. At the same time though, I feel like there is a huge difference when you slip up when you are first dating someone and the relationship is still new and a slip up when you're engaged/married/seriously committed to someone.
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2014
    I used to say that I never would, but I did.

    About a year ago, FI had an emotional affair with someone that he met on the internet. I was devastated when i found out, and immediately moved out of our condo. The most hurtful part wasn't that he did it, but the fact that he honestly didn't believe that he had done anything wrong. It took a lot of role-reversal talk for him to figure it out. It was hard, because he really isn't a talker but eventually, he was able to express to me how emotionally unavailable I had been to him, and he was right. That doesn't make what he did okay, but I was going through a really bad time (long story, but I have bipolar and I was seeing some crazy doctor who didn't believe in medication those sorts of things - DO NOT RECOMMEND). I was terribly hurt, but in the end, I don't think that he did it with malicious intent, and I just wasn't ready to give up on us.

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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
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    RE: dreaming about cheating... dreams very rarely actually mean directly what happens in the dream. Dreaming about cheating doesn't mean you subconsciously want to cheat. I've read it usually has more to do with your own feelings of guilt.

    From teh googles:
    To dream that you are the one having an affair suggests feelings of self-guilt and self-betrayal. You have compromised your beliefs or integrity. Sometimes the cheating may not be about your relationship, but rather a situation where you cheated or where you were being dishonest.
    Alternatively, your affair with someone else may be about some quality in this person that you need to incorporate or acknowledge within your own self. For example, if you are cheating on your mate with your boss, then the dream may signify your desires for control, power and authority.
    Cheating dreams may also reflect the intensity of your sexual passion; you are exploring areas of your sexuality. In this scenario, the dream may actually serve as a reaffirmation of your commitment to your relationship. If you are approaching your own wedding date, then it is not uncommon to have dreams about erotic experiences with partners other than your intended spouse. Such a dream represents the newness of your sexual passion. It is important to note that such a dream does not mean that you will stray or that your dream is telling you that you are with the wrong person.
    I love that this dream analysis assumes that if you are approaching your wedding date, your "sexual passion" is "new."  11 years later, our sexual passion is awesome, but there's nothing new about it!
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
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    I never thought I would be able to stay, but my FI has cheated on me, yet we are still together. He knocked up some hideous high school slut 6 years his junior (altho God knows who the dad was with all the guys she was screwing at the time. Baby was terminated shortly after) and put me in the hospital. He had alcohol issues and a drug dependence stemming from heavy doses of pain killers his doc prescribedwhen FI shattered his knees playing rugby. I was 6 weeks pregnant with our son and moved to another state at the time. A month later, FI came down to find me. He had sobered up and started a program to get him get back on track. Unfortunately we lost the baby at four months along, shortly after he cleaned up his act. But we did end up working things out and getting counseling. We have a much healthier relationship now and are stronger for it.
    He put you in the hospital????
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    No circumstances. No chances. First offense is the last offense and you're out on your ass. Agree with PP who said that cheating is the highest form of disrespect you can have with your partner - both physical and emotional. You don't want me anymore? Have the balls to say so and get out.

    My ex cheated. I dumped him on the spot. Forgive him? Yeah, eventually I did...for ME and MY sanity. I couldn't keep carrying around that bitterness, it was eating me alive. He will never know about it, though. Forget? Oh, HELL NO. Not a chance.  Hear through the grapevine that he's miserable with her and now catting around on her. Well, they both got what they wanted, and I hope they're happy with it.
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
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    I love that this dream analysis assumes that if you are approaching your wedding date, your "sexual passion" is "new."  11 years later, our sexual passion is awesome, but there's nothing new about it!
    Heh yeah. At least that's only one interpretation of it. :-p

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  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I never thought I would be able to stay, but my FI has cheated on me, yet we are still together. He knocked up some hideous high school slut 6 years his junior (altho God knows who the dad was with all the guys she was screwing at the time. Baby was terminated shortly after) and put me in the hospital. He had alcohol issues and a drug dependence stemming from heavy doses of pain killers his doc prescribedwhen FI shattered his knees playing rugby. I was 6 weeks pregnant with our son and moved to another state at the time. A month later, FI came down to find me. He had sobered up and started a program to get him get back on track. Unfortunately we lost the baby at four months along, shortly after he cleaned up his act. But we did end up working things out and getting counseling. We have a much healthier relationship now and are stronger for it.
    Whoa, he put you in the hospital? That's some serious stuff right there.

    Also, if you plan on sticking around, consider updating your name :). There are a few newbies with the knottie number names, and it gets a bit confusing. 
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  • BlergbotBlergbot An enchanted land member
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    TwoDimes said:
    I never thought I would be able to stay, but my FI has cheated on me, yet we are still together. He knocked up some hideous high school slut 6 years his junior (altho God knows who the dad was with all the guys she was screwing at the time. Baby was terminated shortly after) and put me in the hospital. He had alcohol issues and a drug dependence stemming from heavy doses of pain killers his doc prescribedwhen FI shattered his knees playing rugby. I was 6 weeks pregnant with our son and moved to another state at the time. A month later, FI came down to find me. He had sobered up and started a program to get him get back on track. Unfortunately we lost the baby at four months along, shortly after he cleaned up his act. But we did end up working things out and getting counseling. We have a much healthier relationship now and are stronger for it.
    HE put you in the hospital, or the girl did?

    Leaving a SO over cheating is debatable, but violence is an absolute deal breaker. There is no way in hell I'd "forgive" that. EVER. Violence = relationship over. And probably a restraining order too so I don't see that shit ever again.

    I read it as she had a mental break and had to spend some time in an in-patient care program as a result of the situation, not that someone beat her up.
  • BlergbotBlergbot An enchanted land member
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    I honestly don't know, as I've never been cheated on to my knowledge. I think if it were a one time thing I could get over it, but I also think you never know until it happens to you. If we were in a long distance relationship I can see being willing to have an open agreement, but I don't think FI would be down for that. At this point in our relationship I can't really see him cheating, but I guess people get blindsided by these things all the time.
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
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    There would be counseling. Lots of counseling. And it would take a long time. I could forgive him, and depending on the circumstances, I could stay.
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Blergbot said:
    TwoDimes said:
    I never thought I would be able to stay, but my FI has cheated on me, yet we are still together. He knocked up some hideous high school slut 6 years his junior (altho God knows who the dad was with all the guys she was screwing at the time. Baby was terminated shortly after) and put me in the hospital. He had alcohol issues and a drug dependence stemming from heavy doses of pain killers his doc prescribedwhen FI shattered his knees playing rugby. I was 6 weeks pregnant with our son and moved to another state at the time. A month later, FI came down to find me. He had sobered up and started a program to get him get back on track. Unfortunately we lost the baby at four months along, shortly after he cleaned up his act. But we did end up working things out and getting counseling. We have a much healthier relationship now and are stronger for it.
    HE put you in the hospital, or the girl did?

    Leaving a SO over cheating is debatable, but violence is an absolute deal breaker. There is no way in hell I'd "forgive" that. EVER. Violence = relationship over. And probably a restraining order too so I don't see that shit ever again.

    I read it as she had a mental break and had to spend some time in an in-patient care program as a result of the situation, not that someone beat her up.
    Yes, this is also how I interpereted it.
  • McCMalMcCMal member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I guess it depends for me, and this is what I thought before I met my FI
    Accidental slip up, and he comes to me straight out and is honest, I probably won't want to see him for at least a month. I just wouldn't even want to look at his face, and I'd let him sit and stew in it. I might get over it, I might not. 
    Emotionally cheating on me? Not a chance, I'm gone, don't want anything from the marriage to remind me of them, and I'm going to go cry in a corner for a year. 

    But I can't picture what my FI would do with himself if he made a slip up. He never thought he'd get married before me, and he is one of those puppy dog lovers. It would break his heart more than mine I think. If he had to tell me about a slip up, he'd be sobbing like a baby and I would probably forgive him and stay with him. I can't even picture it, it breaks my heart. 

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  • l9il9i Ohio member
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    McCMal said:
    I guess it depends for me, and this is what I thought before I met my FI
    Accidental slip up, and he comes to me straight out and is honest, I probably won't want to see him for at least a month. I just wouldn't even want to look at his face, and I'd let him sit and stew in it. I might get over it, I might not. 
    Emotionally cheating on me? Not a chance, I'm gone, don't want anything from the marriage to remind me of them, and I'm going to go cry in a corner for a year. 

    But I can't picture what my FI would do with himself if he made a slip up. He never thought he'd get married before me, and he is one of those puppy dog lovers. It would break his heart more than mine I think. If he had to tell me about a slip up, he'd be sobbing like a baby and I would probably forgive him and stay with him. I can't even picture it, it breaks my heart. 

    I feel the same way.  FI is more emotional and it would break him much more.  We've also talked about cheating in a general sense and think if anyone would ever be at that point in their relationship they should grow a pair and say something, not lie and sneak.  Obvously, I would never want to be in this situation and would never hope for people to have to make this choice.

  • Blergbot said:


    TwoDimes said:



    I never thought I would be able to stay, but my FI has cheated on me, yet we are still together. He knocked up some hideous high school slut 6 years his junior (altho God knows who the dad was with all the guys she was screwing at the time. Baby was terminated shortly after) and put me in the hospital. He had alcohol issues and a drug dependence stemming from heavy doses of pain killers his doc prescribedwhen FI shattered his knees playing rugby.

    I was 6 weeks pregnant with our son and moved to another state at the time. A month later, FI came down to find me. He had sobered up and started a program to get him get back on track. Unfortunately we lost the baby at four months along, shortly after he cleaned up his act. But we did end up working things out and getting counseling. We have a much healthier relationship now and are stronger for it.

    HE put you in the hospital, or the girl did?

    Leaving a SO over cheating is debatable, but violence is an absolute deal breaker. There is no way in hell I'd "forgive" that. EVER. Violence = relationship over. And probably a restraining order too so I don't see that shit ever again.




    I read it as she had a mental break and had to spend some time in an in-patient care program as a result of the situation, not that someone beat her up.


    Yes, this is also how I interpereted it.



    Not physically violent. Just ended up being hospitalized due to the stress and problems it was causing with the baby.

  • Fran1985 Fran1985 Narnia member
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    I completely agree with @PDKH. I don't believe there is such thing as a slip up. I mean you know going into a marriage knowing that there will other people in the world that are very attractive, and that there are other people in the world who may be interested in you. But when you get married, assuming you dont agree to an open relationship, you are saying ok I chose you- I am agreeing to not act on any other attractions. In fact I am vowing not to do that. I think the deception and disrespect involved in cheating I wouldnt be able to get over.

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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In my opinion, cheating is the result of something else wrong in the relationship that one or both people cannot confront for some reason.  

    That being said, if my FI cheated on me, I'd want to find out why and work on the relationship.  That's not to say I'd be all, "Oh, you cheated? Tell me more so we can work it out."  You better believe there'd be tears, mistrust, and fighting, but ultimately I'd want to see if the issue that led to the cheating is even fixable.  
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  • I hope to never find out how I would respond in this situation, but I hope I could forgive him. I would be devastated, and we'd need counseling, but hopefully we would work through it.

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  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I honestly don't know, but it would probably depend on how it happened.

    A few weeks into dating FI, I ended up making out with my ex. Really stupid, instant regret. I told FI and he forgave me. But kissing is very different from sex. You can kiss someone without really thinking about it. Sexytimes takes a lot more effort than that.

    If it were a one-time thing, I think we'd work it out. An affair is a different story.
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