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TheGrimReaper

blueskies13 said:

People can go wherever they want to get a drink. If they want to go out to a restaurant and have some wine, that's fine by me. I just know that these people like to sit and drink and drink and drink. My goal is not to be mean or controlling. Also, these 4 people are people that we can't not invite.

Could you not have them stay at the house?  If those 4 people want to drink that badly, they'll find a way.  I honestly think you may be better off just not renting the big house.  I'm sure there are other places in the area people can stay and you can all hang out during the day.  Like people said, you're entitled to do what you want, but if a friend/family member of mine came to me and said "And NO DRINKING.  You CANNOT bring alcohol." I would think she didn't trust me to control myself and would probably decline the invitation. Or at the very least stay elsewhere.

emmaaa

Many posters said that you can definitely have a dry wedding. They also said "your house, your rules." However, most said they thought forbidding alcohol to legal adults is over the top and a little controlling.

Look, it's fine that you don't feel comfortable around alcohol and choose not to participate but you have to understand that alcohol is a part of many people's daily lives. I drink a glass of wine on a daily basis and a few more on the weekends. Am I an alcoholic? No. I can go with out drinking. But do I want to? Yes.

I know what an alcoholic is. My dad is a recovering alcoholic. My dad can still be around alcohol because he has enough will power to be able to do so. You can muster up the strength to be around alcohol with those you feel close enough to invite to your wedding. 

Have a dry wedding. Don't purchase alcohol for the house. But if don't "ban" alchol if people choose to bring their own. 

banana468

blueskies13 said:

People can go wherever they want to get a drink. If they want to go out to a restaurant and have some wine, that's fine by me. I just know that these people like to sit and drink and drink and drink. My goal is not to be mean or controlling. Also, these 4 people are people that we can't not invite.

I'm honestly confused as to why the house rental appears to be a requirement.

climbingsingle

I'm also wondering what happens when these guests go to a restaurant/bar and come back drunk. What will you do then? Pack their shit and kick them out? 

lyndausvi

well then I go back to thinking you are setting yourself up for failure for having a weekend long wedding.

To be fair, I side-eye 4 day-long wedding weekends that include alcohol.  So this one with this possible situation is just asking for problems in my opinion.

Good luck.  Hopefully they will only stay one night and then go home.  If they are the type of drinkers you claim they I doubt you will get 4 days on vacation of no drinking out of them.

Knottie20363977

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theartistformerlyknownas

Just don't invite those 4 people. Or don't have a "wedding weekend." Or go ahead and put some cutesy wording on there and know that people will be pissed as hell that you're telling grown adults you don't trust them not to get shit-faced, some may decline and some will just ignore you and drink anyway (especially if they're alcoholics - that is a disease that is not controlled by one couple's request on an invitation). PPs gave you lots of options and answered your question. We clearly don't agree with you that it's a necessary or polite thing to do, but you obviously don't care. So why are you still here arguing about it?

For the record, it's my FI who's a recovering alcoholic. Hasn't had a drink in 5 years. He hates being around falling-down drunk people, but doesn't mind things like eating dinner at wineries. He doesn't mind if I drink because he recognizes that I don't share his disease. We'll have probably 2 dozen friends and family members at the wedding who are in the same boat. We're hosting a full, upgraded bar because it's what the majority of our guests would appreciate and we trust them to be responsible adults. We also know that if they do get smashed, it'll be a blip on the radar of an otherwise awesome day. We'll load their drunk asses onto the hotel shuttle, maybe invite them to a meeting, and continue to party on.

TheGrimReaper

Also, maybe I suck, but if my family member was like "And we'll take 4 days! Make my wedding your vacation this year!" I would not be into that. I already have a vacation planned.

holyguacamole79

[Deleted User]

Those who want to drink, they are going to drink.  They are going to sneak it in. Having a dry wedding/reception is cool but I think it's going to be diffiult to control what the adults are going to do.

Jen4948

blueskies13 said:

We are not changing our wedding plans. My fiance doesn't think that his family is going to have any problems with it. I didn't ask for opinons, and I'm still not. I am not being rude, controlling, or insensible. It just makes me uncomfortable. It is my pocketbook and therefore my house for the time we are there. To answer some of your previous questions, there are only 4 people who would be interested in drinking during the entire weekend. @flantastic, I am not wrong. You are unkind.

Stuck in box...

Actually, the act of posting here is in and of itself "asking for opinions."  If you don't want our opinions, don't post here.

Knottie20363977

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[Deleted User]

blueskies13 said:

If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this. 

If they are going to be fine with it then all you had to do was say by word of mouth, "Hey guys. No alcohol allowed for the entire wedding weekend!" and call it a day.

TheGrimReaper

I don't understand this post.  Now all of a sudden they'll be "totally fine with it."

Then why ask for advice?  Just go to them and say "Oh by the way, pals, it's going to be a dry weekend.  We'd appreciate it if you didn't pack any alcohol. We'll have plenty of other drinks though!"

Good luck with whatever is actually going on.

Strawberry211chicago

I just probably wouldn't go, not because of the lack of alcohol, but because 4 days in one house with 20 people, really? Nope. Why do you want to have this weekend long wedding? I'm not trying to be rude, just need some clarification as to the necessity of it when it is obviously causing major stress.

AlexisA01

lyndausvi said:

AlexisA01 said:

I am side eyeing this and yes, I have to ask:How is this okay etiquette wise, I am legitimately asking. Especially with Adults that are of age. I can understand not smoking in the house but to tell someone they can not have a glass of wine or a beer. Adults should be able to drink without needing monitoring?

I believe in house rules.   The OP is renting the house, so he is within her rights to make such rules.  

Now this is where it gets controlling.   It appears the OP is taking it a step farther and saying you  are not even allowed go to a restaurant and have a glass of wine as long as your are staying in my house.    Yeah,  I will respect not drinking in your house, I will not extended that to any place I might go to while staying at said place.

It's very controlling. SO what happens when they go out and come back to house since they couldn't drink at the house. I don't understand the point in monitoring adults. Does the OP expect people to STAY at the house ALL the time? Does she not want them to drink when they leave? Someone mentioned about sneaking out to the car to drink. 

bethsmiles

blueskies13 said:

If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this. 

Well you don't really seem to respect them since you insist on treating them like children so I don't really see why you should expect respect from them.

Can you please just actually answer the question of why you have to have a 4 day wedding weekend with everyone? Why not just nix that idea and have the dry wedding that is 100% acceptable?

MegEn1

blueskies13 said:

If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this. 

Then just include the rules as part of the guest information. From your post, you made it sound like it was so serious that you didn't trust these people to control themselves at all. If you can't trust them to respect your wishes enough not to get plastered, it stands to reason that you probably can't trust them to follow the house rules even when they're in their rooms. Or having a bubble bath. Or whatever. 

FWIW I respect and love my FSIL. But if she told me there were rules in place, that no alcohol was allowed into the house for four days I'd be offended and hurt that she thought I couldn't control myself. Since this is an etiquette board, I felt that was worth mentioning. 

Best of luck. 

theartistformerlyknownas

blueskies13 said:

If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this. 

People who know how uncomfortable you are around alcohol yet have repeatedly gotten shit-faced drunk in front of you before, and enjoy drinking to get drunk on a regular basis, are somehow going to be fine with this? OK... but then why are you asking?

holyguacamole79

blueskies13 said:

Only those who want to stay are going to stay. It isn't required. They can pay for their own $200-400/night hotel room if they'd like to. All for a glass of wine, I guess.

I'm genuinely curious .... what would you do if you learned that one of your guests brought a flask?

StitelME

blueskies13 said:

If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this. 

So I was definitely on the "your house, your rules" bandwagon but the bold above upsets me a litlte bit. How is it disrespectful to you if they are obeying your wishes and not drinking in the house? At this point, you are 100% controlling their behavior, no matter what you claim. At the end of it all, your wedding day is YOUR day. But again, it's a single day. I feel like you are getting ready to cross a line if you start extending your rules beyond the four walls of the rental you are paying for.

[Deleted User]

blueskies13 said:

Only those who want to stay are going to stay. It isn't required. They can pay for their own $200-400/night hotel room if they'd like to. All for a glass of wine, I guess.

You best believe that I would be paying for my own room if that meant I had the freedom of choosing what I wanted to drink. Wine? Hell yes.

banana468

Then state house rules as part of the invitation.

Respect works both ways. As a grown woman I don't sabr to be policed while doing perfectly acceptable things.

What else is going on during the 4 days?

I went to a wedding on Saturday and just stayed fit the event itself.

chibiyui

blueskies13 said:

If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this. 

Honestly, skip the weekend thing. Have your perfectly fine dry wedding, and let people get the fuck out. You get a nice vacation with your now husband, no alcohol and no time around people you honestly don't seem to like.

manateehugger

blueskies13 said:

If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this. 

I really don't understand how you can see alcohol as this poisonous that you would want to control their behavior when they aren't even sharing a roof with you. I would want to stay somewhere else not because I wanted wine, but because I wouldn't want to be controlled by you.

FWIW, someone (a plus one I had only met once before) got absolutely shitfaced at our wedding and puked all over the bathroom. I didn't personally see it, but apparently it literally was all over. She also later came up and hugged me smelling like vomit (the only reason I knew that night that it had happened - I asked her date what the deal was).  My older sister helped carry her to a car later. And YES, I thought it was ridiculous and rude that she got that sloppy at our wedding.

But if I ever host another large party, I'm still going to have alcohol. Because it seems silly to ban something many enjoy because a few can't control themselves. 

MNVegas

blueskies13 said:

If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this. 

SIB

Respect goes both ways. You are not respecting the fact that they are adults and can make their own decisions.  

To the bolded: If your guests are going to be ok with this then why did you even have to ask how to handle it. Also I think expecting people to take four days out of their lives to celebrate your wedding is a bit much. You get one day, not four.

climbingsingle

So, you also feel it would be disrespectful if these people went out to a bar to drink. Not only do you want to ban alcohol at the house for the entire weekend, you want to control everyone's actions for the entire 4 day weekend as well. I'm sorry, but as I said before, you don't get to control their actions, especially if they decide to leave the house.

MNVegas

blueskies13 said:

Only those who want to stay are going to stay. It isn't required. They can pay for their own $200-400/night hotel room if they'd like to. All for a glass of wine, I guess.

No not for a glass of wine, but for the freedom to live their lives as they want not the way you want them to live it. 

abbyj700

This is more and more starting to sound like the old "but I'm the bride, and it's my day and I should just get what I want" kinda deals...

PrettyGirlLost

blueskies13 said:

If the people whom are coming were capable of controlling themselves, that would be a different story. I know that they enjoy to be intoxicated, and that's what they do when they drink. They drink to get drunk. There is no 'have two glasses of wine,' or 'have a few beers.' I don't need help. There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable around drinking. I don't need 'help.' I think that many of you were very rude without reason to be. I didn't ask if you thought it was appropriate, did I? 

I think that if anyone needs booze that bad, they're the ones who need help. I'M the one paying for it, so I'm going to be comfortable. I didn't ask your opinion. I asked how to word it, but obviously you just want to bash me for using 'wanting to cry' as a description. I am not controlling.   Trying to tell grown ass adults who are giving up their own time and money to travel and spend 4 days with you that they cannot drink around you at all for the entirety of those 4 days is a great definition of controlling..It is not my job to host someone's drunk and stupid weekend. I don't have to be uncomfortable just so that somebody else can drink. 

There is no reason to bash on here. Isn't that in the community guidelines? Asking if I'm going to cry at family functions? Drinking uncontrollably is NOT normal. Sorry! I hope you all feel better for getting in your 2 cents and being so incredibly rude, (as well as commenting on something you weren't asked about).   Lol, now you are trying to control how people post in reaction to your posts.  But you don't have control issues. . . ok.

There's only one thing you can control in life- your actions and reactions towards other people.  You cannot control the behaviors of others.