I just don't understand... (VENT)

bmydesigner

My family is driving me crazy about my BM's attire. I wanted them all to be comfortable, so I let them choose different dresses in the same color. They ended up coordinating together anyway, and all except the MOH are going to be in the same material/length, just different styles. My mom has finally come to terms with this, but she just doesn't understand why I would not pick just one dress and can't fathom different dresses looking good. Even after I've shown her pictures.

Now, we're on shoes. I really don't care what will be on their feet, I probably won't even notice. They all wanted a little direction, so I just said anything in gray/silver. Again, mom thinks this will not look good. My aunt and I were arguing about this and I said to her: "No one goes to the wedding to look at the BM's shoes." and she actually said back, "I do!" Like, wow. I can't.

I try to talk about this stuff as limited as possible with family, and I now change the subject immediately when it is brought up. I know that is all I can do, I just thought I'd share/vent with you guys!

Maggie0829

I'm sorry that your family is driving you crazy over this stuff.  If you don't care about it then they shouldn't either.  I would just feint deafness whenever the subject is brought up.

RebeccaFlower

I'm sorry your mom is crazypants, sounds like you're trying to make things easier for people! 

Alikat9614

I understand your frustration- my mom has been much the same about those things. My BM's are wearing different dresses, whatever shoes in a silver/grey they want, and I couldn't care less about their hairstyles. My mom on the other hand insists it will look weird since there are only two of them and they won't be the same. I don't want cookie cutter BM's! She also keeps asking my what if what my niece (our flower girl) is wearing is ok and if it will match. Match what? I don't care about her headband or shoes or anything! I know she wants everything to be "perfect," but matchy matchy micromanaging does not equal such a thing (nor would I want it to!)

manateehugger

When people starting saying crap like this to me, I'd just respond with, "I guess I'll just have to hate our wedding photos then." It tended to shut people up.

princessleia22

Yeah, I had people like that too.  EVERYONE was going crazy about wanting everyone to match perfectly, and I really didn't care at all. My MIL even freaked out because all the groomsmen were wearing 2-button navy blue suits and she could only find 3-button in my nephews size! In their defense, they were just concerned about wanting everything to be perfect for me.  I understand that, but do they think I was lying when I said things looked ok or I don't care what color their shoes are? I just repeatedly told them that it really doesn't matter to me if everything matches perfectly and when they showed me an option, I'd say it looks fine.

In my experience, there really wasn't any way to calm them down on that one. Unfortunately, you probably just need to suffer through it.

kebebb

My mom thinks I'm crazy for telling BM and MOH to pick their own dress (even though they ended up choosing the same dress), their own shoes, their own accessories, their own hairstyle...I'd rather they be comfortable. You turn people into your doll, they get uncomfortable, and it shows. I look awful in the pictures from my friend's wedding, because she told us everything we had to wear and I was super uncomfortable in all of it. I finally told my mom it's a good thing this is my wedding and not hers.

atlastmrsg

I feel badly for you. I do. BUT, you're also making this worse. If your mom freaked about the different dresses, you should know better than to tell her your shoes plan. Stop giving them things to complain about. Mom: "What are the bridesmaids wearing?" You: "Silver shoes. Have you talked to so and so lately? How's the weather?" Or "Shoes. I took care of it. How's aunt Eloise?" When you tell them things that you know will feed the fire, you're making it worse for yourself. Think before you give them things to obsess over.

novella1186

My mom gets crazy about stuff too. So I just say "go plan your own wedding and do whatever you want" and then she gives me a weird look and pipes down. I've also had to put my foot down a few times cuz she'll keep harping on the same tiny detail over and over and over so I finally have to tell her "I'm done talking about this. The end." Don't even let them begin the argument or begin nagging you. Shut it down right away. You can only defend your decisions so many times until it becomes exhausting and stressful, which is going to ruin your experience. Ain't nobody got time for that!

bmydesigner

atlastmrsg said:

I feel badly for you. I do. BUT, you're also making this worse. If your mom freaked about the different dresses, you should know better than to tell her your shoes plan. Stop giving them things to complain about. Mom: "What are the bridesmaids wearing?" You: "Silver shoes. Have you talked to so and so lately? How's the weather?" Or "Shoes. I took care of it. How's aunt Eloise?" When you tell them things that you know will feed the fire, you're making it worse for yourself. Think before you give them things to obsess over.

Yeah i've definitely stopped talking to her about these types of things. She's great at other things, but I think she's just used to old traditions. She can have those when she gets married again

Thanks for all the input, I feel normal now!

theexactlee

So in other words we have the same mom. Right now my mom is hung up on the red and green carpet in our venue and how obviously our colors need to be red adn green or it just won't look right.

bmydesigner

@theexactlee haha right? I was just baffled at how she could care so much about these things. Obviously, your wedding is going to look terrible and not be legit. You'll need a PPD do over

@julybride2015 thank you! They've both dropped it for now, but I have a pinterest board ready to go if need be!

sarahufl

We said grey for everyone- suits for the guys, dresses for the girls. Didn't care about shade/texture/etc. For some reason, this freaked out my ILs. They wanted us to provide more guidance. I said, nope- sorry. Not doing it.

My 3 BMs wore: 1 very dark grey, short sleeved lace dress; one very light grey chiffon with polka dots (strapless) and one silvery v-neck with a full skirt. They all wore different yellow flats. The guys ranged from very light grey suits to very dark, almost black. And guess what? They all looked great.

People wanted me to freak out and be a bridezilla but I had no interest. 

kmmssg

A litle advice from a 4 time MOB here.....

This is a generation thing you are dealing with.  Back in the day or our weddings/our mothers weddings the marriages would have been invalid and our children illegitimate if everything didn't match exactly and the BM's didn't look like clones.  I am guessing Armageddon would have occured if we would have had uneven sides in our bridal parties.

I have been on forums for years and see the newer trends, LOVE the newer trends (so wish my generation would have been the one to say we were going to do it differently!).  Your moms?  Not so much.  They know what they now.

Google some spectacular wedding pics and show them how this really is done now and it is very common.  It may take some time, but seeing can lead to believing.  I remember when my first DD got engaged ten years ago and I heard about a "first look".  What the Hell?  Who would do that?  That is the dumbest idea I had ever heard.  Now....I am a huge proponent of it (and she did go for a first look BTW) and 3 of my 4 girls chose to do them.

Start googling and chat with mom when she is in a good mood.  Grandma may not sway so easily, but you gotta show them how it is done now.  Good luck to you all!

drina0218

Ugh, I feel your frustration! I began to feel like it would have been easier to say "you buy this dress and these shoes" because once I told the girls to get whatever they wanted I was getting emails and texts out the wazoo for my opinions on their choices and my MIL saying she thought it would look odd and no one would know who the bridesmaids were (even though they are all wearing the same color next to me at the aisle!). Just block it out and smile is my only advice. Tell mom the discussion's closed. Move on. If I didn't go to my happy place every time someone told me one of my choices weren't to their liking, there would've been a lot of throat punches thrown!