NER: What the heck do I do?

mysticl

wrongsideoftheocean said:

How often will I be able to see him in person... Once a month for a couple of days at a time. Once every three months for around 7-8 days at a time. Twice a year for around 15 days each, or more likely a scattered mixture of the above.

Who knows.  In the book I mentioned the foreigner flew into the US and was detained at customs because they decided he had been spending too much time in our country and they decided it was suspicious.  

laceykeo

The point is regarding cheating/faithful/whatever...

I don't want anyone else. In the 8 years I was with my ex I never wanted anyone else. When ex and I split I just didn't want anyone.
Meeting FI wasn't planned. I didn't start actively looking for a new guy... We started talking, and feelings developed.

I've seen his statement for work stating his criminal record is clean. I've googled him in general, nothing doing.

lilacck28

but still... therapy? Thinking you could have been a therapist if circumstances were different is not a reason to not see one. Therapists are even required to see therapists. 

misshart00

wrongsideoftheocean said:

The point is regarding cheating/faithful/whatever... I don't want anyone else. In the 8 years I was with my ex I never wanted anyone else. When ex and I split I just didn't want anyone. Meeting FI wasn't planned. I didn't start actively looking for a new guy... We started talking, and feelings developed. I've seen his statement for work stating his criminal record is clean. I've googled him in general, nothing doing.

How do you think cheating starts? Edit: not that I necessarily think this will jump to cheating, bu a lot of affairs don't start with someone actively looking to cheat.

laceykeo

We don't always have to meet in the US...

If we see each other four times a year... That's once or twice to the US, once or twice in the UK, once in a different country altogether.

thelastdreamer

Do you have a ring? I'm not asking because a ring itself is important but because I'm asking if he realizes you're engaged as in, did he propose to you? 

You're not at all concerned that you're engaged after spending a week with someone?

I have no problem with you guys dating long distance for 10 years in theory. Would I do it? Heck no. But if you want to deal with the faithfulness issues and everything else the PPs have mentioned, more power to you. But the fact that you are planning your wedding strikes me that you still have not really grasped the longevity of your LDR. 

PrettyGirlLost

wrongsideoftheocean said:

We don't always have to meet in the US... If we see each other four times a year... That's once or twice to the US, once or twice in the UK, once in a different country altogether.

From the WB thread, these are good points so be careful, both of you:

"If you plan on having an extended “vacation to the max” series of visits to the US then I strongly suggest you start working on getting a visa and possibly even resident alien status right away. While an ETSA is valid for multiple entries into the US within a 2-year time frame, you must leave the US every 90 days at a minimum, and after about the third entry with a long stay in between, you’re going to start getting a lot of questions from Immigration, and depending on how you answer those questions, you might lose your visa. Even if you marry, you don’t automatically get permission to stay in the US, and fiancé visa backlog is about 16 months currently. "

[Deleted User]

wrongsideoftheocean said:

How often will I be able to see him in person... Once a month for a couple of days at a time. Once every three months for around 7-8 days at a time. Twice a year for around 15 days each, or more likely a scattered mixture of the above.

Do you have the necessary vacation time and funds to be able to travel that often?

laceykeo

lilacck28 said:

but still... therapy? Thinking you could have been a therapist if circumstances were different is not a reason to not see one. Therapists are even required to see therapists. 

My point about saying I'd have been a therapist was due to someone somewhere saying something about us not talking. I'm getting really lost now with who's asked what, what I've answered or missed, and answering one thing reminds me of something I missed it left out and I lump it in there.

I have no aversion to going to therapy myself. At all. And it's something I'll consider and look into. And now, thanks to you ladies, I can at least go to them with a slightly more sane-sounding story.
I know I didn't come off in the best light, but I promise at no point would I ever seriously consider doing anything that would negatively impact DS.

As I said way back... I just needed someone like yourselves to help me actually see it logically, and realise that there genuinely is no way around this.

And to the people that implied that bringing up cheating is harsh... Well, yes, maybe so, but as I said in my very first post, I expected harsh, I'm okay with harsh, and as one of the responding posters said, this is all something I need to take into consideration.

daria24

Look OP, my true advice is to end it now, before it gets even harder. It's hard for me to imagine how you love this man so much that you are willing to uproot your whole life, you can't imagine being without him, but you can imagine being without your son for MONTHS at a time? 

But since you are going to stick with this thing-there are two things you absolutely should do.

1. Talk to a counselor to sort out all these issues. Not because I think you have a mental health issue, but because there are a lot of pieces to this puzzle, and a uninterested 3rd party is best to help you talk through each item.

2. You need to spend an extended amount of time living with this guy, before either of you move. You need to have real-life, day-to-day experiences with him. I had a friend who lived in NY, met someone in the UK. No kids involved. They agreed to do a 3 month trial in each country, one lived in the UK for 3 months, then the other came to live in NY 3 months. They loved each other, a lot. But the truth was that neither of them could be happy in the other country. Also it brought out some financial issues that just weren't apparent through conversations alone. 

The three biggest things couples fight over are money, children, and family. You have zero experience with those issues with this man. You have not met his family. You have not watched him with your child. You haven't experienced a disagreement with him over how money should be spent, or how a child should be disciplined. 

Love is a very powerful feeling, but I've seen every day life wear down the strongest of relationships. 

laceykeo

Long stay is considered three periods of time in 24 months, each lasting in excess of 30 days.

I promise you, we are in the process of considering all these things.

thelastdreamer

Also, to your plans for when you can see each other - who is funding this? You said yourself that you are not particularly well off. Is he going to be paying for all of these trips? It's concerning that you complain about not having enough money for your child to have lessons or activities but then plan on jetting off to the US every few weeks to be with this guy.

manateehugger

flantastic said:

STARMOON44 said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Sorry, got pulled away. We consider ourselves engaged. We are actively talking about planning a wedding, albeit a dateless one at the moment. Therefore, we trust each other to remain faithful. Should that not be the case, then evidently it hasn't worked out, and he's not the one after all. On the plus side, every issue discussed here so far simply ceases, and the one cheated on is left to pick up the pieces and go about moving on. If either of us ever were to cheat, the other would know. We talk about a lot of things. Everything. He's told me things about himself and his past that I know were extremely difficult for him, and vice versa. I am HUGE about talking about feelings, actions, anything and everything. In a smarted, university-attending life, I'd have become a therapist myself. As it is, I'm the local flippin agony aunt. We discuss everything.

Oh honey you have no idea! Seriously how would you know if you don't see each other for months at a time?

+1000. OP you're delusional. Get help.

Holy shit, this thread. Just "finished" (it will continue, I'm sure). And I am in this camp ^^^^

Yeah, let me just say as someone who spent pivotal years of her life in a long distance relationship with a man she was whole-heartedly in love with and just married,

You wouldn't know unless he wanted you to know. Period. You can talk abut feelings till the cows come home but that doesn't mean that there's pure honesty being exchanged.

And you and he will both be tempted; you just will. There's someone near you that you feel attraction for, that's kind and funny, that's THERE. And it'll make you think about how much easier it would be to have a relationship someone who wouldn't pose nearly as many hurdles, plane rides, shitty goodbyes, lack of physical contact, crummy short phone calls, days where you just don't get to talk, misunderstood emails or texts, similar career goals, locations, etc. You will both be tempted. And 1 week together will most likely not be enough to override that temptation - which isn't necessarily a bad thing as long as you are upfront about it. Which you are currently not being.

I was most definitely tempted, and when I was, I fell back on years of support and love and steadiness (none of this whirlwind romance crap) with my now husband.

Trust is good and necessary - which is why it should be earned, not blindly granted. Seriously, a counselor is so better qualified than internet strangers.

laceykeo

Vacation time and funds are both available. In terms of vacation time, we're both fortunate to get quite a lot with our jobs.
In terms of funds, whilst I certainly don't mean to make out that we're both rolling in money, we're both doin' okay. And vacation gets a lot cheaper when the ONLY thing you're paying extra for is a plane ticket. I have a thing with my job where once every now and then, cheap CHEAP plane tickets come up. I paid just over the equivalent of $700 for my week out, and that was a more expensive option.

laceykeo

I do not have a "typical engagement ring". I do have a ring, that he placed on my ring finger after he asked me to marry him, be that in ten months or ten years time.

thelastdreamer

wrongsideoftheocean said:

I do not have a "typical engagement ring". I do have a ring, that he placed on my ring finger after he asked me to marry him, be that in ten months or ten years time.

You are not grasping reality. There is NO WAY it can be in ten months time. Your eighteen month, two and a half year, whatever - all those plans are out the window if you guys are going to put your kids first. THE EARLIEST you would be able to be together is if he moves to the UK after his youngest is grown. Which means 10 years. 

ashley8918

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Vacation time and funds are both available. In terms of vacation time, we're both fortunate to get quite a lot with our jobs. In terms of funds, whilst I certainly don't mean to make out that we're both rolling in money, we're both doin' okay. And vacation gets a lot cheaper when the ONLY thing you're paying extra for is a plane ticket. I have a thing with my job where once every now and then, cheap CHEAP plane tickets come up. I paid just over the equivalent of $700 for my week out, and that was a more expensive option.

I'm curious as to why you would state this amount in US dollars if you are from the UK.

laceykeo

Plane tickets do not get bought in place of something my son or his daughters require, and whilst he won't be given everything he wants, my sons wants will also be put ahead.

Also, my son will not be old enough to be looking at clubs etc for another couple years, and his daughters costs are already part of his financial plan.
If visits become less due to my sons desire to take piano, guitar, dance, and crochet lessons, be on the football, rugby, cricket, tennis, and swim team, and have additional tutorage outside school hours to learn Latin, then plane tickets will be reduced.

kkitkat79

ashley8918 said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Vacation time and funds are both available. In terms of vacation time, we're both fortunate to get quite a lot with our jobs. In terms of funds, whilst I certainly don't mean to make out that we're both rolling in money, we're both doin' okay. And vacation gets a lot cheaper when the ONLY thing you're paying extra for is a plane ticket. I have a thing with my job where once every now and then, cheap CHEAP plane tickets come up. I paid just over the equivalent of $700 for my week out, and that was a more expensive option.

I'm curious as to why you would state this amount in US dollars if you are from the UK.

She said equivalent. Clearly she converted it from pounds to make it easier.

STARMOON44

You have a ring? Are you 12? Grow up.

Why are you even here? You clearly don't care what anyone else says because your love is so special no one else could understand.

laceykeo

ashley8918 said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Vacation time and funds are both available. In terms of vacation time, we're both fortunate to get quite a lot with our jobs.
In terms of funds, whilst I certainly don't mean to make out that we're both rolling in money, we're both doin' okay. And vacation gets a lot cheaper when the ONLY thing you're paying extra for is a plane ticket. I have a thing with my job where once every now and then, cheap CHEAP plane tickets come up. I paid just over the equivalent of $700 for my week out, and that was a more expensive option.

I'm curious as to why you would state this amount in US dollars if you are from the UK.

Because most of you, I believe, are American, no?
I'm so used to converting prices, time, and temperature when talking to him anyway, figured it wouldn't hurt to do the same here.

I'm curious why you would doubt my British citizenship. This was called as MUD, and I provided the boarding cards for my trip.

Would you like me to photograph the part of my passport that states British Citizen? Maybe you'd like me to place something else in the photo as proof it is mine not a google search job, a cup, or a hair clip, or my hand making a peace sign?

That sounds horribly sarcastic, I know, it's honestly not meant like that... Like, please, let me know what to photograph my passport with, and I'll do that right now, no problem.

kkitkat79

STARMOON44 said:

You have a ring? Are you 12? Grow up. Why are you even here? You clearly don't care what anyone else says because your love is so special no one else could understand.

What's your problem? Someone asked her if she has a ring, she just answered the question. And she is here because this is a public forum and she has the right to post here if she wants to.

indianaalum

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Vacation time and funds are both available. In terms of vacation time, we're both fortunate to get quite a lot with our jobs. In terms of funds, whilst I certainly don't mean to make out that we're both rolling in money, we're both doin' okay. And vacation gets a lot cheaper when the ONLY thing you're paying extra for is a plane ticket. I have a thing with my job where once every now and then, cheap CHEAP plane tickets come up. I paid just over the equivalent of $700 for my week out, and that was a more expensive option.

I am curious where you work. You mentioned "lunch rush" early which suggest you work in the food industry, so I call BS on making enough money to fund multiple trips to u.s.

I make decent money and couldn't afford to do it multiple times a year...and I don't have a child to save money for..

If you DO spend 700.00 a couple of times a year on this, you are even more selfish. That money can go toward your child

laceykeo

flantastic said:

thelastdreamer said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

I do not have a "typical engagement ring". I do have a ring, that he placed on my ring finger after he asked me to marry him, be that in ten months or ten years time.

You are not grasping reality. There is NO WAY it can be in ten months time. Your eighteen month, two and a half year, whatever - all those plans are out the window if you guys are going to put your kids first. THE EARLIEST you would be able to be together is if he moves to the UK after his youngest is grown. Which means 10 years. 

OP, I was thinking about this a bit in relation to myself.

About 4 months into my relationship with my FI, I was pretty sure he was the guy I was going to marry. About 10 months in, I had the courage to say that to him, and he pretty well agreed. I was 18 and an idiot, but I was right about that.

However, we did not get engaged until 5 years later, when I had finished the grad school plans which necessarily kept us LDR, and we knew I had a job and could move to FI's city. I think indefinite engagements are trouble - there is no need to become engaged until you are sure that it is truly feasible to get married. And you are not in that place. A child is a greater commitment than one's plans for graduate school.

PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, because I appreciate you sharing this, I really do.

Genuine question (directed not just to this poster, just, put it here because this is the post that me think of it): who are we hurting by saying we are engaged and plan to be married someday?

And please don't say "the kids". I honestly am aiming here at "someday" being ten years down the line once kids are grown up.
What does it matter, if we truly believe we can do this, to call him my fiancé?

lilacck28

Guys, to be fair: an unhappy mother who sacrifices EVERYTHING and has no life does not make for a happy child. She is allowed to have a life, a boyfriend, and not always spend money that she earns on her child. 

(this is not to say that I think she should stick with this fish. I think there's probably a fishy closer by that will make her life much easier and happier)

Jen4948

I just ended a relationship of 3 years with my now-ex BF rather than stay in a long-distance relationship.  And we don't even have kids in the picture.  We knew that we needed personal contact on a regular basis to keep our relationship going, and that isn't possible with us living 1600 miles apart.

While I don't agree with how every PP has expressed themselves, I do agree with the general consensus that trying to go to America to be with this man, let alone take your son with you and away from a loving, involved father, isn't a good idea.  It uproots him too much and creates too much instability in his life.  Nor do you really know this guy well if you began your relationship with him online and met him only once, and you and he have never met each other's children.  Not to mention that you only pretty recently ended your relationship with your son's father.  So I am joining the "don't go to America" bandwagon.  Unlike some of the PPs, I won't tell you what to do with your relationship with this man other than to check him out very, very carefully before involving yourself further with him to make sure that he really is the person he purports to be.

But when it comes to yourself and your personal well-being, I do think you are moving too fast and potentially endangering your relationship with your son and his relationship with his father.  I would slow down and not plan a wedding, immigration to America, or anything else right now other than stabilizing and regularizing your life.  Make sure you have a good paying job and a base of reliable, sensible friends and relatives who not only can be there for you, but you can be there for as well.  Once you're in that position, you'll be better equipped to make some very tough decisions about what you want to do with this relationship (assuming you want to stay in it).

ashley8918

wrongsideoftheocean said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Vacation time and funds are both available. In terms of vacation time, we're both fortunate to get quite a lot with our jobs. In terms of funds, whilst I certainly don't mean to make out that we're both rolling in money, we're both doin' okay. And vacation gets a lot cheaper when the ONLY thing you're paying extra for is a plane ticket. I have a thing with my job where once every now and then, cheap CHEAP plane tickets come up. I paid just over the equivalent of $700 for my week out, and that was a more expensive option.

I'm curious as to why you would state this amount in US dollars if you are from the UK.

Because most of you, I believe, are American, no? I'm so used to converting prices, time, and temperature when talking to him anyway, figured it wouldn't hurt to do the same here. I'm curious why you would doubt my British citizenship. This was called as MUD, and I provided the boarding cards for my trip. Would you like me to photograph the part of my passport that states British Citizen? Maybe you'd like me to place something else in the photo as proof it is mine not a google search job, a cup, or a hair clip, or my hand making a peace sign? That sounds horribly sarcastic, I know, it's honestly not meant like that... Like, please, let me know what to photograph my passport with, and I'll do that right now, no problem.

Woah, girl. Calm yourself. It was just an observation. 

I just generally don't see it converted, not do I convert even if I know i'm talking to a bunch of Americans. And I honetly don't know if The Knot is comprised mostly of Americans. Maybe? Probably?

I don't need you to prove anything - It was just something that I was curious about.

ashley8918

kkitkat79 said:

ashley8918 said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Vacation time and funds are both available. In terms of vacation time, we're both fortunate to get quite a lot with our jobs. In terms of funds, whilst I certainly don't mean to make out that we're both rolling in money, we're both doin' okay. And vacation gets a lot cheaper when the ONLY thing you're paying extra for is a plane ticket. I have a thing with my job where once every now and then, cheap CHEAP plane tickets come up. I paid just over the equivalent of $700 for my week out, and that was a more expensive option.

I'm curious as to why you would state this amount in US dollars if you are from the UK.

She said equivalent. Clearly she converted it from pounds to make it easier.

Yes, I can read; thanks. I said I was curious as I find it pretty uncommon. Being in a relationship with an American, I suppose it's second nature to OP. 

STARMOON44

Yourselves. When everyone around you thinks you're a delusional idiot. If you really consider yourself engaged to a man you've seen for a week in your heart, fine. Keep it in your heart. If you were my sister I would be a) laughing at you, and b) crying, because you're throwing 10 years of your life away on a dream that isn't real instead of finding a person you can see and touch and actually live with.

laceykeo

ashley8918 said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

ashley8918 said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Vacation time and funds are both available. In terms of vacation time, we're both fortunate to get quite a lot with our jobs.
In terms of funds, whilst I certainly don't mean to make out that we're both rolling in money, we're both doin' okay. And vacation gets a lot cheaper when the ONLY thing you're paying extra for is a plane ticket. I have a thing with my job where once every now and then, cheap CHEAP plane tickets come up. I paid just over the equivalent of $700 for my week out, and that was a more expensive option.

I'm curious as to why you would state this amount in US dollars if you are from the UK.

Because most of you, I believe, are American, no?
I'm so used to converting prices, time, and temperature when talking to him anyway, figured it wouldn't hurt to do the same here.

I'm curious why you would doubt my British citizenship. This was called as MUD, and I provided the boarding cards for my trip.

Would you like me to photograph the part of my passport that states British Citizen? Maybe you'd like me to place something else in the photo as proof it is mine not a google search job, a cup, or a hair clip, or my hand making a peace sign?

That sounds horribly sarcastic, I know, it's honestly not meant like that... Like, please, let me know what to photograph my passport with, and I'll do that right now, no problem.

Woah, girl. Calm yourself. It was just an observation. 

I just generally don't see it converted, not do I convert even if I know i'm talking to a bunch of Americans. And I honetly don't know if The Knot is comprised mostly of Americans. Maybe? Probably?

I don't need you to prove anything - It was just something that I was curious about.

I honestly don't want that to come across as snippy. I was asked once already to prove myself, which I did. I am truly happy to do that again.
Please don't see this as me being sarcastic. That's not the case.