Wedding Etiquette Forum

NER: What the heck do I do?

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Re: NER: What the heck do I do?

  • Long distance relationships can actually be pretty easy.  Only you don't realize this till it's over.  You call, chat, Skype, whatever when you say you are going to.  And during that time you are totally focused on each other.  The rest of your day to day life continues on as usual without concessions to the other person.  Visits are awesome.  The person doing the visiting is on vacation so they aren't dealing with real life.  The person being visited makes adjustments so they can spend as much time with the visitor as possible.  You're on company behavior because you don't want to spoil the time you have together.  So you ignore things that might usually bug you. Being together on a day to day basis is completely different.  The person may not be what they claimed to be.  There may be things that you just can't deal with.  Or he just can't deal with.

    I don't know how custody works in the UK. What I do know is that there are people who have chosen to leave the US to move to another country and as a result lost their children.  In once case the parent had sole custody with the other parent having only visitation.  The overseas move resulted in the parent who only had visitation getting custody untill the other parent returned to the States.  
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  • It's also possible you could lose custody of your son over this, OP. I don't know what courts in the UK are like, but in the US (at least where I am) if one parent wanted to move that far away, especially in a true 50/50 custody arrangement, it's very possible that the moving parent would end up being the non-custodial parent. Meaning, it may be you who only gets to see your son during summers and school breaks. Are you willing to risk that?
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  • I've got a question.  Have you discussed this at all with the Dad??  Does he know anything about your new relationship or any of the ideas you're having.  You say you've got a good relationship with him, so you need to get him involved in this too.  If you've currently got joint custody, nothing is going to change without the courts saying so, and I'd want some advance notice to think about possible changes rather than having this just pop up out of the blue.  

    Secondly, as someone who has lived in the UK for a year, (I'm Canadian), I was so excited to go.  I had a place rented, money sorted out, visas covered.  Getting there and actually living in a different country was a huge change.  You wouldn't normally think it, being that the cultures are so similar, but it was hard.  And I had 5 other flatmates which formed an instant group of friends.  You might think it will be very similar to living in the UK (though now you would have a husband), but what will you do when your kid is at school, DH is at work and you potentially still don't have a work visa??  

    I've seen this happen with my BIL and his wife, who moved here from Poland.  She hates it here.  It was 3 years before her work permit came through (and they were married all the time with proper visas).  He was working 3 week on, 1 week off.  She had no one to talk to, nothing to do all day.  She couldn't leave to go home for a visit cos she wouldn't be allowed back in (temporary visa had expired, real one was still jammed up with the govt).  

    MIL moved across the country last summer.  She is only just getting involved with life here and it's in the same country.  Anyway, I'm not typing all of this to be a downer.  No matter how much you have planned for a move, it is super hard to start up again and begin somewhere new.  And I'm not saying don't do it, just be ready for a huge change.  Good luck with everything

  • Let me start this out by saying I love my country and have no desire to ever live anywhere else. 

    But it's not all rainbows and puppy dogs here.  Our housing market went into the toilet a few years ago and there were mass foreclosures happening.  Some areas are rebounding but owning a home is not the symbol of security it once was.  We learned how quickly that can be taken away from you.  

    Like a PP said it could be a long time before you can legally work here.  Heck it could be a long time before you would be allowed to get married.  Immigration in this country has a thing about foreigners marrying American citizens to get into the country so there are hoops to jump through.  

    And our health care system is very different from yours.  
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  • I agree with a lot of what PPs have said. Scribe brings up some really great points too. 

    I do have to say though that FI and I got engaged after 5 months. I don't think it's totally off the wall to know after that period of time that you want to spend the rest of your life with a person. However, we lived in the same county and there are no children involved. 
  • Pretty much everything I want to say has been covered by PPs. However, there is one point that I want to emphasize:

    THERE ARE SIGNIFICANT DOWNSIDES TO EVERY OPTION IN THIS SITUATION. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. 

    Ultimately, you have four options:

    1. You stay in the UK with your son and continue a long-distance relationship with FI. By doing this, your son gets to maintain healthy relationships with you and his father. However, you obviously will see your FI less.

    2. You move to the US without your son and are away from him for months at a time. Your relationship with your son with suffer, in one way or another.

    3. You move to the US with your son and damage his relationship with his father (and potentially with you as well, since he could resent you for this later on). There is no way that his relationship with his father will not suffer in some way if he moves to another continent. The worst case scenario is that you lose custody, and then you're back to option 2.

    4. You stay in the UK and break it off with your FI and forego the happiness of being with him, but maintain your relationship with your son while also allowing him to continue his relationship with his father.

    If you're a sane person (and I really do think you are, since you seem to know this is a bad idea) you will be unhappy in some way no matter which option you choose. It hurts to hear, but it's the truth. It's a matter of deciding which option leaves you the least unhappy, to say nothing of your son's happiness, which obviously needs to be taken into account.

    I'll take your word for it that this man is the love of your life. But so is your son. You can't have them both in equal parts. You have to choose which one is worth having in your life more.
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  • Don't know if this has been mentioned yet but let's remember you've met this fiance in person for one single week. And might already be pregnant, you think. Those are both pretty important details to this story.
  • syoun1nj said:
    Don't know if this has been mentioned yet but let's remember you've met this fiance in person for one single week. And might already be pregnant, you think. Those are both pretty important details to this story.
    @syoun1nj Where are you getting that?  Did I miss something?
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • syoun1nj said:
    Don't know if this has been mentioned yet but let's remember you've met this fiance in person for one single week. And might already be pregnant, you think. Those are both pretty important details to this story.
    @syoun1nj Where are you getting that?  Did I miss something?
    I just went over all of OP's posts and this wasn't in any of them.
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  • Firstly, hi. I've been lurking a long time. Years, perhaps, by now, but never posted. I know you ladies are harsh, I'm okay with that, because I also know that (snowflakes aside) you're outsiders looking in, that can see the situation as explained and consider outcomes without vested interest, and that's what I need. This is gonna be long, I'm sorry. I'll kinda bullet point it as much as possible. Beginning of this year, I got out of an eight year long relationship. We have an 18 month old son together, we get on well for the sake of DS. We share custody equally based around work schedules. Works out he's at mine three days a week, his dad's three nights a week, and the last night is alternate weeks. So yeah, custody's as equal as can be. We live walking distance from each other, and work. Around four months ago, I met a guy. We got real serious real quick. We want to get married. He lives in the states, I live in the UK. I don't know how I can possibly say that this is the real thing, I just know it is. That being said, I'm not saying we're gonna get married next week. We'll be looking at a couple of years, at least. My issue is my son. Obviously, we want to live together. Ideally, we want this to be in the states, although he's open to coming to the UK if need be. He was married before, and has two DDs of his own, aged 12 and 8. I know FI would be a great "dad" to my boy. (I put dad in quotes because I would never encourage my son to actually call him dad). Problem is, my son is actually lucky enough in this day and age to have a dad who cares, who wants to be in his life, and I can't make myself comfortable with the idea of breaking that. I have all kinds of half-baked ideas swirling around my head right now. DS spends six months with me, six months with his dad, or, three months three months three months three months, or, school in one place, holidays the other... I dunno. Neither of us see DS every single day because of work etc, but if we do miss a day, we certainly see him the next. I hate the idea of not seeing him for weeks at a time. His dad will, too. At the same time, I know FI and I are meant to be together, and being away from him is awful too. The only thing that got me back on the plane to come home was the thought of my boy. I have nothing else here. I mean I have a flat, and a job, and whatnot, but, it's all disposable. I know I could give my son so much more in the states. That's about it, really. I realise there's not even really a question there, but, I have no one else to talk to about all this... (Obviously FI and I discuss it at length, but we're both biased and stuck). Please, be harsh, be bitchy, call me out as a terrible mother, whatever. I won't start stomping my foot and exclaiming that you "just don't understtaaaaaaand". Please however, bare in mind, that I am fighting with myself over this, I wanna be with FI, and could pack up and go tomorrow if I wanted, but, my son, and by extension his relationship with his father, is the reason I am still in the UK. That's a comma-tastic sentence... Sorry for that. Regarding getting married - we know where we'll have the ceremony and reception, we know who we'll be inviting... The day's all kinda, loosely thought out. We will not action this until we have a better idea of what will be happening with the children. If you've made your way through all that, and have any advice/thoughts/similar stories to share, I'm most appreciative. If there's anything you don't understand, that's my bad for failing to explain fully, please ask and I'll update accordingly. Thank you.
    Honestly, this is a time that you need to realise that your wants come behind your son's needs. He has a great father and you need to make sure that relationship is fostered. That is the adult decision, and when you have kids, it stops being only about you. 

    6 months with you and 6 months with his father? That is ludicrous! How is he expected to go to school? Make friends? Build lasting relationships? Legally, you will not be able to get your son a visa to America unless his father consents, so this may be a moot point anyway. 

    Also, you say that Fi will be a great dad, but has he had any interaction with your son, apart from short holidays? Before you uproot your son's whole life, you need to see if the regular routine works with your fi and your son. I know you are in the honeymoon phase of your relationship (Especially if you got out of an 8 year relationship this year!). Day-in-day-out parenting with a toddler is very different than a weekend at the beach. You  need to slowly build that relationship between your son and fi whilst still allowing your son to see his father regularly. 

    Have this beau move to the UK for a few years. Then if you decide to move to America in 3-5 years time your son will have those formative bonding years with his father. You can have it where your son goes back to the UK for every summer/Christmas/whatever.  It would also be great if you could discuss a way to have your Ex come to America regularly. You also need to figure out a way to pay for his 2 daughters to come over to the UK regularly. 

    Or, you could have your ex have custody in the UK and he visits you regularly. 

    Your job as a parent is to make your son's life stable, emotionally healthy, and routine. None of this 3/6 months handover malarkey- that is incredibly emotionally damaging and he is FAR too young to understand that. If that inconveniences you, or makes your life more expensive/difficult, or makes you spend time away from your fi, so be it. That is what you signed up for when you had a child. 

    I agree with all of this, however I don't see how her BF can move to the UK when he has children under 18 himself.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."



  • syoun1nj said:

    Don't know if this has been mentioned yet but let's remember you've met this fiance in person for one single week. And might already be pregnant, you think. Those are both pretty important details to this story.

    @syoun1nj Where are you getting that?  Did I miss something?

    Looking back, I can't see where I wrote this on here, but I've also posted on the dreaded Wire/Bee forget which.

    She is correct. I was concerned I was pregnant, however, this has since been proven to not be the case. Rational mind would have told me the chances were incredibly remote anyway, but it was another worry adding to the mix.
  • How does your boyfriend's custody of his children work?  Do they live in the same town and see each other every week?  Do they live farther away from him and only see him for holidays/summers?  I think that's an important consideration here.  If he only sees his kids a few times a year, or once a month, or something like that, it might not change anything for them if he moves to the UK, as long as he gets himself to the States (or his kids to the UK) for all of his normal visitations.  Your custody is completely 50/50 on a daily basis now, so you don't really have the option of moving to the US without seriously disrupting your son's life.

     

    Taking your son away from a caring and present father would be at best terrible for him and at worst illegal.  I wouldn't even consider that, for anyone.  And your boyfriend's youngest daughter won't be out of the house for 10 years.  i assume you don't want to wait 10 years to live together.  If his custody is similar to yours (and almost completely 50/50 all the time), i think you have to let this go and try to find someone else, for your son's good.  I don't see how you could possibly, in good conscience, move him out of the UK before he is 18.  Once yo have a kid, their needs come first...and unfortunately when their needs don't intersect with your wants, your wants have to go by the wayside.

  • Bare with me here guys, there's MASSES to get through and I actually don't want to miss anything. I want to be open because as much as I'm never gonna suddenly reveal some piece of information that makes you all go "WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU SAAAAY???!!!! MOVE!!! NOW!!!"... I don't see any point in hiding anything because then your opinions are skewed from mis-information, and that's no help to anyone.

    I'm still here, just gonna be trying to gather all
    Questions together and reply to everything.
  • I'm assuming the pregnancy worry is moot because you've started. If it's because you got a negative pregnancy test, keep in mind it could still be too early.
  • No pregnancy test needed.
    Definitely no concern there.
  • MNVegas said:
    Agree with what pps have said. Another thing to think about is what if you do move to the US and things don't work out. You already had one relationship that did not last. What happens if this new one does not? You will be in the US with a child, no job, no money, no place to live and no one there that you know that can help you. Does that really sound like something you want to put yourself and your child through?

    You need to slow down and start facing reality. Right now it sounds like you are doing a lot of dreaming about how things could be not what is realistic. You have known the guy for four months and he lives in another country. I mean how much time have you actually spent with him. IMO I doubt if you even really know this guy at all.

    Best of luck to you!
    It might actually be more complicate than just divorcing if things don't work out, due to her not being a US citizen.

    http://resources.lawinfo.com/immigration/what-happens-when-you-divorce-a-us-citizen.html

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Talk to a lawyer in your jurisdiction and find out your rights, your obligations, and how this has worked in prior cases of this sort.
  • I agree with most everything PPs have said. I just wanted to add that if you choose to move to be with your FI (whether your son moves with you or stays in the UK and never sees you), there's a good chance your son will resent that you put your own happiness above his. It's highly probable that he will feel like you love your FI more than him, even if that's not true. 

    A close friend of mine comes from divorced parents with completely different and unrelated circumstances, but ever since his mom remarried, he has felt that she always put her new husband first. It sounds like you are already thinking of doing this.

    Unfortunately for your situation, once you have a kid… everything changes. You need to put him first, or else risk seriously damaging your relationship with your son.
  • indianaalumindianaalum member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    I might be offbase here, but..............

    You  mentioned you have been on here for ages. Why are you on wedding pages? Here and Wedding Bee? If you aren't planning a wedding or already planned one?

    Perhaps I am crazy, but I think that is telling in itself. Most girls on here are in the active stages of planning a wedding, or have already planned one.

    Are you desperately looking to get married and that is why you have been on these pages for years?

    If so, perhaps you should take time to see why you are so focused on getting married, esp to someone you barely met in person and have known for 4 months. Are you more wanting to "be married" than necessarily be married to THIS man. Don't lose focus of the purpose of marriage.

    I suspect you need counseling..or this is just plain MUD
  • I might be offbase here, but..............

    You  mentioned you have been on here for ages. Why are you on wedding pages? Here and Wedding Bee? If you aren't planning a wedding or already planned one?

    Perhaps I am crazy, but I think that is telling in itself. Most girls on here are in the active stages of planning a wedding, or have already planned one.

    Are you desperately looking to get married and that is why you have been on these pages for years?

    If so, perhaps you should take time to see why you are so focused on getting married, esp to someone you barely met in person and have known for 4 months. Are you more wanting to "be married" than necessarily be married to THIS man. Don't lose focus of the purpose of marriage.

    I suspect you need counseling..or this is just plain MUD
    I am starting to suspect this as well.
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  • One week in person and you're ready to get married and trying to figure out how to uproot your kid? Buy a vibrator girl and get used to being alone for a while.
  • Oh it is definitely not MUD.
    I really wish it was.

    I was MoH for my friends wedding about five years ago now and fell across the Knot then. Back when things like FFF were allowed and so on. I found the etiquette board in particular to be a good pass-time on odd occasions, and whilst I never joined, and I've missed months at a time, I've often had a couple of weeks here and there where I've gone cruising back through the board.

    I've never really had much interest in weddings, nor marriage. It just wasn't something that ever appealed to me. And this was something we talked about "early on" in our "great stretch of time together".

    Then the conversation came up again, and I find my views have completely changed. Now, I really want to stand up in front of my VIPs in my life and vow to love him forever.
    I want us to work on a marriage together. Our life together.

    The wedding bee one was one I've seen mentioned on here, and because when I signed up to here I couldn't post straight away, I joined the other one and posted there.
  • jules3964jules3964 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014

    I also don't see the rush to get married so quickly. If you two are truly meant to be together, you will be when the timing is right. Even if that is 10+ years down the line, once his daughters are fully grown.

    I know there are plenty of people who just "know" when it's "the one" and those relationships turn out to be epic and last their entire lives. BUT there are also people who just "know" when it's "the one"… and it doesn't work out. Relationships are hard, they take a lot of work, and it's not just about love.

  • mysticl said:

    Long distance relationships can actually be pretty easy.  Only you don't realize this till it's over.  You call, chat, Skype, whatever when you say you are going to.  And during that time you are totally focused on each other.  The rest of your day to day life continues on as usual without concessions to the other person.  Visits are awesome.  The person doing the visiting is on vacation so they aren't dealing with real life.  The person being visited makes adjustments so they can spend as much time with the visitor as possible.  You're on company behavior because you don't want to spoil the time you have together.  So you ignore things that might usually bug you. Being together on a day to day basis is completely different.  The person may not be what they claimed to be.  There may be things that you just can't deal with.  Or he just can't deal with.  

    ****** potential box, mobile site is hard******

    This is a point we've considered and discussed at length.

    And also why as much as we WANT to get married, we know there's a lot more to go through before that day comes.
  • Wait a minute did OP actually confirm that she only spent one week with this "FI" in person?
  • MNVegas said:

    Wait a minute did OP actually confirm that she only spent one week with this "FI" in person?

    Yes.
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2014
    Wait a minute did OP actually confirm that she only spent one week with this "FI" in person?
    Yes.
    ?????? 

    More context please. I'm so confused. What is the relationship timeline you have discussed? And how did you meet? And how do you stay in contact? And what were the circumstances of breaking up with your son's father? 
  • I agree with a lot of what PPs have said. Scribe brings up some really great points too. 


    I do have to say though that FI and I got engaged after 5 months. I don't think it's totally off the wall to know after that period of time that you want to spend the rest of your life with a person. However, we lived in the same county and there are no children involved. 
    Thank you for at least being someone who can see the time is irrelevant.

    The distance... Now that's an issue and I understand that.

    The children... That's just a whole new league altogether.
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