I'm not sure where to put this...has anyone ever dealt with cheating?

lc07

ShannonLeigh1979 said:

I'm not expecting it to be easy.  I guess my thought is, if we can make it through this, we're golden.   If I give up, I am always going to wonder if we should have tried harder.

I think it's more than making it through this. It's understanding why this happened. Because clearly there was something lacking for one or both of you. And just because you can get over the past does not mean you have set up a good foundation for the future.

ShannonLeigh1979

Without getting into too much detail, we know why it happened.  Why it happened really has nothing to do with me...at all.  It has to do with issues on his part that he has never overcome.  Let me also say...that this is more about the lying than the cheating.   He and I share the view that sex can be JUST sex and we have participated in a lifestyle not everyone understands.  However, that was based on OPEN and HONEST communication and was always AS A COUPLE.  Right now...and for a long time...that lifestyle is on hold...if not completely over ...because of the betrayal of trust.  We also have 3 boys (2 biologically mine, 1 biologically his) that we need to take into account when making relationship decisions. 

lc07

I sincerely have no judgment for you or your lifestyle or your choices to do therapy or not to do therapy. I honestly just want the best for you. Will be thinking of you.

AddieCake

I have a friend who has always been poly. Not saying that's the direction you are looking to go, but some of the stuff applies since you've said you believe sex can just be sex and that you've participated in alternative lifestyles. With my friend, he has had relationships where it worked and those where it did not. 

His current one did not because his girlfriend claimed in the beginning that she was ok with it, but as time went on she really was not, and so he started cheating on her and was not very happy. SHE is in a BDSM relationship with another guy, and my friend has no interest in that and does not want to hear anything about it for the most part. But recently she crossed the line they agreed to and slept with her Dom as well. They are a mess. He has decided to stop all extra curricular activity on his end and "be a better boyfriend" and be the monogamous boyfriend he has been pretending to be, so we'll see if that works out. 

 In the relationships where it worked for him, communication was very open and there were no lies and secrets. That's important in any relationship, but sometimes I think moreso in alternative ones because the boundary lines are out of the box. 

I completely understand you not wanting to throw in the towel, and like I said, I know people who have recovered from infidelity, and my viewpoints on this issue tend to differ  from the norm around here. PM me if you want to talk one on one. Good luck!

LDay2014

ShannonLeigh1979 said:

Thank you for all of your replies. I am just trying to get some idea of how things worked out for people. Counseling likely won't happen. We've both done it before and it was not a good experience for either of us. We've known each other since we were kids. If he and I can't work it out between us...it won't work. If we can...great! I really do appreciate the time you are all taking to reply.

You need to find the right therapist.  But without it, I'm sorry...you are battling some serious odds and it will be VERY difficult to make a long term relationship of trust without it.

I've been through this and I know how hard and painful it is.  But there are issues FAR deeper than what you can process on your own here.  If FI had refused counselling I would have been out the door but the way I looked at it, so long as he was giving genuine and heartfelt effort in working towards resolving his and our issues I would try.  But if he had decided it wasn't worth it, then I would have walked.

I cannot stress enough how much you both need counselling here.  If you broke your arm, you'd go see a doctor.  If your car breaks down you go to the mechanic.  You don't have the tools required to fix this any more than you do a broken arm....

ETA: FI and I are also in the alternative lifestyle.  We are swingers (not polyamory) but enjoy the sexual gratification of other people...everyone's boundaries and dynamics are different but when someone violates the previously established boundaries it is devastating PARTICULARLY because of the lifestyle.  So, I get it, I really really do  but you still need counselling.  You won't get through this if you don't.

ShannonLeigh1979

Thank you all again.  I am not surprised by the number of "seek counseling" posts.  Counseling isn't for everyone.  LDay...we were swingers too...but without complete trust...that is GONE for now...and maybe forever.

doeydo

There are different types of counselling and different counselors with different personalities, etc. and perhaps when you went in the past you two didn't mesh well or you weren't ready for help.  I was in counselling through middle school and high school, and it did nothing for me.  I was not ready, and I hated the one I was seeing.  But now, I am seeing someone who uses a mix of the different methods instead of just one (before my one counselor was just using cognitive therapy and it did fuck all, TBH).  Anyways, maybe it is best for you two to be friends, not a couple.  Not being together as a couple does not mean saying goodbye to him and your history altogether.  Think about it, what do you want out of a partner?  Out of life?  Now, does he match all those things, or fall short?

ShannonLeigh1979

I sincerely thank you all for your advice.  I am going to leave this thread alone now and focus on working with Adam to rebuild what we always had.  

chibiyui

Sorry to chime in after you say you're already done, but people who claim "If anyone else had done this to me, I would have walked......." don't. It's an excuse people tell themselves to justify getting screwed over. 

I get it. You're kinda kinky, kinda poly, you love this guy and you don't want to just let the relationship go, and counseling didn't work out in the past. BUT. You have kids. You owe it to your kids to have a stable healthy relationship. Few people go through stuff like this and are able to have a healthy stable relationship without counseling. Counseling is not one size fits all, there are counselors out there who are kink friendly. For the love of god try one, because continuing to deny any attempt at counseling doesn't read as "I'm a rational adult working through a tough spot" it reads as "I don't want to admit things are fucked up" 

I've had some painful sex in the past. I didn't stop having sex because one position hit my cervix, I found different positions to work with.

CMGragain

ShannonLeigh1979 said:

CaitTDid23 said:

ShannonLeigh1979 said:

Thank you for all of your replies. I am just trying to get some idea of how things worked out for people. Counseling likely won't happen. We've both done it before and it was not a good experience for either of us. We've known each other since we were kids. If he and I can't work it out between us...it won't work. If we can...great! I really do appreciate the time you are all taking to reply.

Some people don't have good experiences with it. Maybe look online at some tips for rebuilding trust when it's been violated, for both of you - you, how to help yourself move forward in whichever direction you choose to go, and him, to help him earn it back and find ways to keep it.

Getting ideas is all well and good, but honestly, whatever we say is just that: what WE say. What matters in the end is what YOU feel, and what feels right to you. If you think you can rebuild after this, then go for it. If you think it would damage the relationship permanently, that's your choice as well. I myself know that I would not be able to rebuild, but - again - that's ME, knowing myself and my level of insecurity and my history. 

Good luck. I hope you can work it out. Keep us posted!

Thank you again.  ANYONE else...ANYONE...I would have walked.  I am mad.  I am hurt..... but I love him and I have loved him. in some capacities or another since we were 14/15.  We were close friends.  We dated. We broke up.  We went back to being friends...we lost touch for 17 years and I NEVER stopped thinking about him.  We have so much history...I'm not ready to give that up.  

OP, LOVING someone and HAVING SO MUCH HISTORY with someone are not good reasons to get married.  You sound very frightened that your world is being rocked by his infidelity.  Please get counseling.  You are sailing towards denial, Cleopatra. 
WHY do you want to marry someone who has cheated on you?  WHY?
It is so easy to be in love with the wrong man.  Most of us have been there, at least once.  I know I have.  I thought I would die when he broke up with me.  I didn't.  I have been happily married to someone very different for 38 years.  Mr. Wrong would have made me miserable no matter how much I loved him.

Good reasons to marry:

You share the same moral values.  (Danger!)
You are both capable of committing to a relationship.  (Danger!)
You share the same goals in life.
You are well matched in brain power.
You have respect for each other.
You are truthful with each other.
You have interests in common.
You are compatible in religious beliefs.

Bad reasons to marry:

I love him.
We have been together for soooooo long!
I'm afraid to be alone without him.
He's hot.
He needs me.  (Are you kidding?)

Please think about this, OP.

RebeccaB88

My engagement ended because I was cheated on.  It ended because I chose to end it.  He was not interested in counseling, and that told me he was not interested in saving the relationship. It takes two to make it work, and he was not going to do his part. He was going to make no effort to regain my trust, so I walked. We'd known each other for 20 years. 

It wasn't the sex that you have the problem with, it was the lie, the deception, the secrecy. From what I know, swinging and open relationships require full transparency and completely open communication, to make work.  He didn't provide you with any of that. If that's the kind of lifestyle he wants to live (variety, swinging, etc), he has to learn how to do it right. And, you have to agree with all of it and follow the rules.

Find a therapist who specializes in alternative relationships. And go. Both of you.  Right now, I don't think you want to work this out. I think you want it to just go away, which it won't. It'll come up again and again. If you want to salvage the relationship, you both have to put the work in. No work = no relationship.

banana468

I cheated on my HS BF and immediately came clean.   I couldn't take the guilt and the cheating for me was a symptom that we were no longer in a healthy relationship.    Ultimately I was no longer in love with him and it was time to move on.

Then my college BF cheated on me with 3 friends.   We broke things off but continued to sleep together for about 6 months until I came to my senses that I was never going to be his priority and I wasn't going to be able to trust him.    It was a painful experience and I had to leave a large circle of friends as a result of it but I'm glad I moved on and found DH.

I have friends that are married but engage in poly relationships.   As others said, they need to be open and constantly communicating to make that work.   It's definitely not something I'd ever find comfortable but they do.   I highly recommend @RebeccaB88 ' s advice and seek a counselor specializing in alternative relationships.     If you're both serious about making the relationship work then a neutral party may be required to help both of you through this.

BTW, despite my relationships ending, I have knowledge of a couple who dealt with cheating within the first few years of their marriage and they made it through the issue.   Ultimately they went on to have children and have been married for several decades.     It all depends on the people and not the cheating.   

eliza621

I have been where you are. I was so comfortable in our relationship, he was my best friend! We had known each other through many years, and I trusted him with every secret I had. 

I felt something was off and snooped, found out that he cheated on me. I found myself making excuses and "forgiving" him. I blamed the other person. I was so unhappy that this had happened and all I wanted to do was FORGET about it and continue on with our so-called happy life. To be honest I can't even remember his excuses or reasoning, all I know is what I was telling myself to make everything okay again.

So we carried on our relationship as usual, and I never brought it up. However, he cheated again.. surprise! For all I know, it was a constant and never truly stopped but I don't care to inquire further. I finally threw in the towel, but it took me a LONG long time to realize that I just wanted so badly to have what we "had" that I filled my head with excuses for him. Please- don't do that to yourself! Try to pull your mind out of the relationship and look at it objectively. What would you tell your best girlfriend in this exact same situation? Or your daughter (if you were to have one) ??

dgirl82

Serious question - would he be okay with you not wanting monogamy either?  I ask because I think a lot of the men who want this option would not be cool with their spouse/gf/etc doing the same thing. (Exhibit A)

If both partners want and are comfortable with an open relationship, that is awesome.  But honestly, this sounds pretty emotionally manipulative.

KytchynWitche

CMGragain said:

When someone cheats in a committed relationship, it isn't the about the partner.  It is about themselves and their own insecurities or lack of commitment.  If someone cannot be faithful to you now, how will you be able to trust him in a marriage?
Sorry.  Dump him and find someone who wants to commit to you.

This. So very, very much this!

As a reformed serial-cheater, I can tell you this is 100% true. You cannot make this better - he needs to figure out what's up in his own heart and mind, and work through it himself. And I can promise you that that isn't going to happen over night, if it happens at all. It is going to take a LOT of time, and a LOT of effort, and things will probably have to get worse before they get better. I know they did for me.

Now, if you're up for hanging around waiting for him to work through his crap (because that is absolutely what it is), then I say more power to you, but I wouldn't myself. The thing to remember here is that you can't force the change in him - he has to want to get himself right, and if he's anything like me, that's gonna take something pretty drastic to set it in motion.

ETA: And please, PLEASE do not stay with him just because of the kids. Your relationship is being imprinted on your children every moment, and if it's not a healthy one then not only are you doing damage to yourself but also to them and their future relationships.

STARMOON44

He's not willing to get counseling and is apparently unable to make the life changes he would need to keep from getting into situations like this and believes he is entitled to crave variety even though you two are engaged.

He will always cheat on you. Why do you value yourself so little that you're okay with that?

climbingsingle

Having a history is not a good reason to stay with someone. I had history with my ex. We also went to HS together and reconnected 10 years later. I stayed with him for 5 years, telling myself that there was good stuff there, because we had known each other for so long. It was a very dysfunctional relationship and I thank god every day that I was strong enough to end it. Honestly, I don't think you'll get through this without counseling. He will most likely cheat again, and I say this based on his excuse to you. I'm sorry. Good luck.

emmaaa

FI and I have known each other since we were 5. We were friends and best friends through high school. We started dating our senior year of high school. We were dating 5 years when he proposed and we're coming on 6 years now. 

I say that because about 1 1/2 years ago we went through a really hard time. We had just moved in together. He was working out of town every week. It was an adjustment to live together. He wasn't treating me with the love and support he had been and I wasn't showing concern for the growth in our relationship and giving him the support he deserves. 

 
This is something that I haven't mentioned on here and we don't talk about it too much but during that time I had been texting someone else. It started out we were just friends at college but continued to where I liked to talk to him. It never went any further to us ever physically cheating but the premise is still the same. I was unfaithful to him whether or not I ever touched this guy. 

FI had suspicions and confronted me. I admitted what I had been doing and we talked about the reasons and everything and agreed to put it behind us. Well that is a lot harder than it sounds. FI was constantly treating me differently and I was afraid to do one wrong thing. Our problems were not fixed. The guy texted me again and it started up again. 

The guilt really held heavy on my conscience and I basically broke up with FI because of that. I told him that I wasn't happy in our relationship. He wasn't treating me the way someone in a relationship should treat another person, he wasn't making any effort to move forward in our relationship, and he wasn't willing to forgive me. In turn, I wasn't being faithful, I wasn't being his partner, and I wasn't being the type of person that he would want to progress in our relationship with. 

 
That night he stayed at a friend's house and came and saw me the next morning. He wasn't ready to give up and neither was I. We knew it would be hard work. I had to build his trust back and he had to show that he had actually forgiven me. We worked through it and our relationship ended up being stronger than it had before.
If I had to pick one thing in my life I was most shameful of, that is definitely it. I told you this story in hopes that you'll come back here to read some of the responses. 

 
The difference I see in our case was that I, the person who was unfaithful, knew that what I had done was wrong. It was a terrible mistake and one that I am so ashamed of. Your FI sounds like he is trying to make excuses and that he doesn't understand the ramifications of his actions. I did. I knew I screwed up and was prepared to deal with the consequences. Also, you have to do what is best for yourself. FI knew he wanted to work on our problems. We were (are) young and had a lot of growing up to do. We wanted to work on that. He wanted to forgive me and he truly did. If this is a case of you wanting to continue the relationship, you need to eventually be able to forgive your FI. 

Changing who you are and what things you hold true and believe in will not fix your relationship. You will not be happy in this relationship and will ultimately end up being resentful toward your FI. 

I know that some people have said that you shouldn't stay together for your kids and I agree on that to an extent. Having kids in a relationship always makes it harder to break up because it is their lives you're turning upside down also. However, your kids need to be in a stable and loving environment. It is your responsibility as a parent to be a good role model and to show them what love and being in a relationship means. From your OP and other posts, I don't feel like this is a good example for your children to follow. 

I understand it is never as easy as it seems. You have a lot to think about. Please consider your and your FI's actions and willingness to reconcile and move forward and work on your relationship. If neither of you is willing to make that step then you need to to try and step back and look at this from an unbiased and logical perspective.

wandajune6

I stayed with someone for a few years after he cheated. It was a one-time event that happened while he was traveling for work. While we didn't go to couple's counseling, we talked long and hard about what happened. He didn't cheat again, to the best of my knowledge. I eventually forgave him. The problem was that I couldn't forget. It got under my skin to the point that I worried whenever he didn't answer his phone. If he wasn't in the mood, I wondered if he was getting it somewhere else. Every business trip left me an anxious mess. It caused serious damage to my self-esteem that it took me a long time (and some counseling) to get over.

While we didn't split up over the cheating, we eventually split because I couldn't get to the point of trusting him. Part of this was my own insecurity, part of it was simply knowing what he was capable of.

How you handle it is a deeply personal decision. I think couples counseling would be a huge help.

theartistformerlyknownas

OP, I think you were expecting everyone to tell you "yeah, it's no big deal, got over it easily!" but this isn't the place to get rainbows and sunshine blown up your butt. It's not even about the sex - anytime somebody does the single biggest thing they swore they wouldn't do to you, it's a huge deal. It takes a lot of work to get to the bottom of why a person thought it was OK to betray your trust like that, and then for the other person to believe when they swear that this time they won't do it again, and not think about it every day. Most people are too close to the issue to be able to solve it on their own without a neutral third party's help.

beachyone15

I have a friend who was cheated on by her husband early on in their relationship (like within the first year). They have been together about 7 or 8 years now but they are not happy. It's so hard for me to watch, knowing that she has pushed the issue down deep and has been trying to "deal with it", without really dealing with it. She also has a lot of history with him, which is part of what's holding her back I think.

I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone and I hope you two are able to get help. If nothing else, don't just push it away and convince yourself you're ok. Truly be ok, whether that's working on the issue or moving on.

lurkergirl

butterscotchjbeans said:

I have, and it was just awful, but my then boyfriend -wannabe fiance- was an A-hole. He cheated on me, I forgave him, and sat me down one day. Told me how wonderful I was, how amazing I was with him, and there was not any other woman he would choose to marry and to be the mother of his children. 

I was so shocked and waiting my ring, WAS THAT A PROPOSAL?! 

He continued to say, I want you to be my wife, but at the same time, I want you to understand that I will be with other women. You will be my cathedral, my wife, my woman, the others won't matter, I just can't change, you have to love me the way I am. 

Left the bastard. It took me a while to get over him, because he was my first serious boyfriend (at 21) 2 years together for nothing. 

There are things a man won't change or "can't" change. Make sure you know what you are dealing with!

Good luck! And I am so sorry for what you are going trough.

southernbelle0915

You say that you understand his need for variety but you are more hurt by the betrayal than anything else. But you say that you believe he would have continued fucking and lying to you (betrayal) if you haven't caught him.

That's all I need to hear. I think you know deep down that this will happen again. And from what he said about it, I have no doubts that it will. 

You need to be honest with yourself - are you ok with the betrayal continuing to happen? If not, then end this now. Or at least postpone any wedding plans. If you're ok with it, then fine, spend time trying to work it out. Just know you're putting a band-aid on a broken bone. 

When I was in high school I was with a chronic cheater. Everyone told me to leave him. It look years. I kept thinking I could fix things. Wrong. Looking back on it, I roll my eyes HARD at my little-miss-fix-it self. Prime time wasted is all I have to say about that.

bride2b71614

So basically all PPs have said what I wanted to say re: counseling, getting your feelings heard, finding out what you truly want etc. 

From experience: I had an ex cheat on me. In my bed, with another girl, and I walked in on it. I was young and stupid. He and I had "history" he saw me at some of my worst moments. I was really angry, I was really upset, and I really didn't want to end the relationship. I made that choice because I at the time I would rather put up with him than be alone/single. 

So I forgave him, but I didn't forget the actual act of cheating. This caused a ton of issues within the relationship. Every time we had a heated disagreement I would always pull the "well you cheated on me with another girl in MY apartment on MY bed" trump card. Looking back on it, I thought I forgave him, when in all honesty I was really angry. I couldn't put it in the past because I was unable to let go of the emotional pain he caused me. This affected my behavior towards him. It took a lot of therapy, and a lot of finding out who I was to realize holy shit I could never forgive this guy and let it go. 

My advice to you if you really really really want to put this in the past you cannot bring it up every time you have a disagreement or when you are feeling hurt by something else he's done. 

OR if you aren't into counseling, you could try establishing some boundaries. For example, if you are comfortable with sex being just sex, but not comfortable with him stepping out of the relationship to do so make a compromise of some sort in which you'd be present/you know with whom/when he is having sex with someone? I really don't know your comfort level or zone, but its another thought. 

I wish you the best of luck. 

emmaaa

Also OP, it is much easier to walk away from a relationship BEFORE you are married and say those vows and sign on the dotted line.

CTYankeeBride

My now-ex-husband cheated on me when we were engaged. I was very much convinced it was a one time thing, that it had ended, and that he had no contact with the other party. Getting to a place where I felt like continuing the relationship at all, then to a place where marrying him felt right wasn't easy at all. We worked and worked and went to counseling and I learned to trust him again. Honestly, it was hell and it took a lot of work and ripped open a lot of things emotionally for both of us. _____________________________________________________________ We got married and about a year later the girl he cheated on me with e-mailed me telling me it had never ended. Apparently he wasn't leaving me fast enough for her. This girl had been in our home, in our bed, around his children and she had proof. There was undeniable in-my-face proof that this person I worked so hard to believe and trust and continue building a life with had been lying to my face the whole time. Then I found out there were others, when he decided he really should be honest with me and that since we worked it out once we could work this out again. _____________________________________________________________ There really is no "if we make it through this we're golden." Trust me. ____________________________________________________________ My advice to you is to please consider therapy before making any decisions about proceeding with this. Do a lot of soul searching and be honest with yourself that you're going to be okay with him telling you he's bedding someone else for the night. Be sure that wondering if he's exposing you to diseases or potentially getting someone else pregnant are things you want to deal with because there are very very few guarantees that that isn't a possibility and experience has shown me that if he's lying about where he's sleeping, he's lying about whether or not he's practicing safer sex. Bottom line- be very very honest with yourself because you are the only one in this equation who is doing so. edited because TK ate my paragraphs.

ShesSoCold

My ex BF cheated on me. He didn't even sleep with her but he kissed another girl and lied to my face about it. I tried to forgive him and I couldn't. I stayed with him even though I knew it was over and ended up cheating on him because I didn't have respect for the relationship. 

OP, I have to echo PPs and especially the one who said that it sounds like you don't necessarily want to work through this, you want it to go away. It will not. You'll question everything he does - "does it really take this long to get gas?" or "is he really still at work?" - things like that. You'll resent him and it will manifest in other ways - "that asshole can't even fucking vacuum correctly" or if you get into an argument about something, you will likely think about this cheating.

The fact that he lied to you and you even know that he would have continued had you not found out is extremely concerning to me. So is your willingness to automatically blame something else and excuse it. I'm no mental health professional, but I can't see any scenario or condition that sex and lying are reasonable symptoms of. If he refuses counseling, I urge you to get counseling for yourself to help work through your emotions and see if you want to continue. History is not a good reason to stay with a person. But it is a good excuse for the other person to do whatever the hell he or she wants because they know that you won't leave. 

Sugargirl1019

This thread has made me want to text DH, "I know you would never, but please don't cheat on me!"

My heart is ripping just reading about all the pain you ladies went through. If I wasn't on mobile, I would post a GIF of toasting with wine, "here's to our happy marriages! We made it through the past!"

CTYankeeBride

It is always easier to think "we can work this out," because it distracts you from realizing that a person who has committed to spending life with you and being honest to you and putting your needs and wants on an even keel with their own has lied to you and been incredibly selfish.  He had a choice and could have been honest with you about his needs.  He instead chose to lie, and that's what I couldn't get over with my own ex-husband.

ShannonLeigh1979

I'm really sorry I posted this.  Apparently I have MUCH different views about relationships than most people here.  That doesn't surprise me.  I have extremely different views of a lot of things than other people.  I like that about myself.  I also know that one screw up isn't fatal.  I know that I have done the same in a previous relationship and although I am not proud of it, I still did it and honestly, I don't feel horribly about it.  I ended that relationship...not him.  I appreciate those of you who honestly are concerned and know that I am taking a road that most people wouldn't.  However, I feel it is a road worth taking.  I think that a lot of people, knowing what I know and not being new to the marriage/relationship game would likely do the same.  I guess you really don't know what you'd do in a situation until you're faced with that situation.  I said I could NEVER stay with someone in this situation.  You know, I can...I am and if we fail...it won't be because we didn't try everything.