I'm not sure where to put this...has anyone ever dealt with cheating?

theartistformerlyknownas

If you refuse to consider counseling, you won't have tried everything.

slothiegal

ShannonLeigh1979 said:

I'm really sorry I posted this.  Apparently I have MUCH different views about relationships than most people here.  That doesn't surprise me.  I have extremely different views of a lot of things than other people.  I like that about myself.  I also know that one screw up isn't fatal.  I know that I have done the same in a previous relationship and although I am not proud of it, I still did it and honestly, I don't feel horribly about it.  I ended that relationship...not him.  I appreciate those of you who honestly are concerned and know that I am taking a road that most people wouldn't.  However, I feel it is a road worth taking.  I think that a lot of people, knowing what I know and not being new to the marriage/relationship game would likely do the same.  I guess you really don't know what you'd do in a situation until you're faced with that situation.  I said I could NEVER stay with someone in this situation.  You know, I can...I am and if we fail...it won't be because we didn't try everything.

You asked for opinions.  You got opinions based on the information you provided.  I think it's really admirable how many women opened up and shared their own stories with you (because personally, I stayed the fuck out of this thread; I hate rehashing my own bad experiences) to give you more to mull over.

It sounds like you've made your decision.  I sincerely wish you good luck.

ETA

lolo883 said:

If you refuse to consider counseling, you won't have tried everything.

SIB

Huh.  I missed that part while skimming.  Well, you summed it up nicely, lolo.  I'll co-sign that.

climbingsingle

OP, I can honestly say that if my FI cheated on me, it wouldn't for sure be the end of our relationship. If he was honest with me about what happened, was remorseful and agreed to go to counseling, I would absolutely stay with him and work on our relationship. However, your situation seems very different.

princessleia22

Overcoming infidelity isn't impossible, but it isn't easy.  I've had boyfriends cheat on me where we couldn't work it out.  I've had boyfriends cheat on me in the past and been able to work through it.  There are too many factors involved to be able to say it can or can't work out... only you and FI can determine that. Definitely put marriage on hold until you work it out though. You need to let yourself process everything and work through it on your own and together. And he needs to work through what caused him to cheat... and, no, being drunk or whatever isn't a valid reason. But, getting married tends to enhance problems, it won't solve them.

Cheating isn't necessarily a deal breaker for me.  But it doesn't mean I'll always be able to move past it either. A big factor for me is whether they were honest about it. If I found out through some other mean, and find out they've been lying to me, it's a big negative that's hard to get past. If they made a one time mistake and come clean about it, I can handle that better. If it was an ongoing relationship, that's a bit more difficult, since it meant repeatedly making that choice to hurt me. But, even then, I won't say any of it is a deal breaker. I vowed to try to work through everything with my husband, good or bad, and plan to do everything in my power to abide by that, although I do hope cheating isn't one of those factors I have to handle with him someday.

I do know someone who had an issue with infidelity about 25 years ago and it nearly ended their marriage. If they didn't have kids, it probably would have ended. But, they decided to try to work through it... and they succeeded.  Today, they are one of the happiest couple I know... and I mean truly happy together. It was a long hard road to get there though. It was really on the rocks for a couple years, with a lot of struggling though, before they started to get some semblance of normalcy back.  And really, it never went back to what it had been before.  It got better, and they regained a happy relationship, but it was never the same relationship that it was pre-cheating... they weren't the same people they had been before and the relationship changed as a result.  It was still a happy, successful relationship though and they have lasted many happy years since the incident. But, it did change them.

So, it is possible to succeed, but it's very hard work. And you both have to be able to be able to really forgive each other and yourselves. You both have things to work out individually and together.  And a big one that is very difficult, is that you need to be able to learn to trust him again. That's a lot easier to say than do, but critical.  And you need to be able to completely trust 100%.  If you have those questions of "who is he with" in the back of your mind, it will drive you crazy and it will never work. Those negative thoughts tend to seep into all aspects of the relationship and eat away at it.  If you can't get to a point where you can let him leave town overnight without questioning it, then it won't work. Trust is too important a factor in relationships.  Most people recommend counseling to work through all that, and it can be very helpful. But, you need to each work though it and decide what you can forgive and work through.

 

princessleia22

Oh, and I wanted to say that I'm sorry you have to go through this and I really do feel for you. It's a very difficult and trying thing to deal with. It's okay to grieve and hurt. It's okay to feel betrayed.  And it's okay to feel like you've lost your best friend.  You have... at least for the time being.  It can feel like someone died and that's okay to feel like that. Cry, scream, eat some ice cream, punch a pillow, whatever you need to do.  Then remember to breathe. Remember that there is still good in the world. Remember that you will be okay, no matter the outcome.

You are definitely in my thoughts.

levioosa

ShannonLeigh1979 said:

I'm really sorry I posted this.  Apparently I have MUCH different views about relationships than most people here.  That doesn't surprise me.  I have extremely different views of a lot of things than other people.  I like that about myself.  I also know that one screw up isn't fatal.  I know that I have done the same in a previous relationship and although I am not proud of it, I still did it and honestly, I don't feel horribly about it.  I ended that relationship...not him.  I appreciate those of you who honestly are concerned and know that I am taking a road that most people wouldn't.  However, I feel it is a road worth taking.  I think that a lot of people, knowing what I know and not being new to the marriage/relationship game would likely do the same.  I guess you really don't know what you'd do in a situation until you're faced with that situation.  I said I could NEVER stay with someone in this situation.  You know, I can...I am and if we fail...it won't be because we didn't try everything.

OP, I think you are to some extent discounting the opinions of the posters here because you think they do not agree with or understand your alternative lifestyle.  That's not what they are saying.  They are even supporting your lifestyle if it works for you.  But here's the thing: it isn't working.  You allowed him huge liberties and your one condition was being open.  He betrayed you.  That isn't something to be taken lightly.  

He admitted he would have kept doing it if you didn't catch him.  Like you said, this is about the lying, not the sex.  You will not be able to trust him.  Trust is one of the, if not THE biggest foundation in a relationship.  If you say the trust is "now gone forever" I honestly don't know how you plan on continuing the relationship.  If you substitute "lying" for the word "cheating" in PPs posts, I think you will see that we are all on the same page.  

There's a difference between saying "I made a mistake" and full remorse.  I don't think your FI has remorse for the act of lying.  You say you want to stick it out and try again.  Will you be happy if he continues betraying you?  Because as it stands now I think you will be left trying to hold onto a relationship that is devoid of trust, and because of that (and NOT your alternative lifestyle or views) you will be miserable.  

beethery

The swinger lifestyle is not inclusive of lying to your partner. You can say that we don't understand the lifestyle, etc. But I know that trust, and HONEST OPEN communication between partners is like... the number one tenet of the swinger lifestyle. It is also the number one tenet of a good relationship.

Honesty and open communication is something that can be created in a relationship, and sometimes it needs work. That's all well and good. If he's willing to jump on board and be right up front with you with all of this stuff, that's great.

He lied to you, tried to blame it on his need for more variety, and you're buying it. You even said that if you hadn't caught him, he would've continued. 

That isn't swinger stuff, that is insecure teenage boy shit that should not be tolerated.

You can chalk it up to the 'lifestyle' but the only people I've ever heard of living this 'I need more variety so I put my dick in someone else's orifice and HID IT FROM YOU', is a dipshit that needs attention, and not the swinger lifestyle. 

Personally, I think both of you have some growing to do, and you owe him nothing.

bride2b71614

Umm I didn't see any comments that say your lifestyle choices are "wrong". Are some of them blunt? Yes. But you asked people to provide examples of instances in which cheating was present in the relationship and if it worked out. People did provide examples, some positive, others not so much. You continued to elaborate on your situation and PPs responded to that information. Your situation is unique but when you post, you are going to receive responses you may not like

I agree with @beethery‌, this isn't about the swinger lifestyle. That lifestyle is based on trust. The trust in your relationship is not there right now. Can you work back up to it? Maybe, but it's going to take time and work on both of your parts.

Whatever you choose to do is up to you as a couple. I hope that things will work out for you.

LDay2014

Hey, OP...swinger here remember - swinger that's dealt with cheating.

Been there done that.  Swinging is not the issue, the lying is.  The refusing to address the situation is the problem.  

For us, sex is just that - sex.  And I have no problems with FI enjoying another woman but he has to be completely open and honest with me about it or it would NEVER work.

Every relationships has it's boundaries, it's deal breakers.  For us, in the swinging lifestyle, we are always same room.  ALWAYS.  That's a hard boundary and he knows that if that's crossed I can't trust him.  Whens someone steps outside the boundaries of your relationship - regardless of what they are - it's vitally important to reevaluate that persons integrity and commitment.

If a man in a swinger lifestyle relationship can't stay committed to the boundaries you two have set and refuses to address his issues with counselling then I hate to say it but he has NO RESPECT for you.