Dumbest excuse to not attend a wedding? Update in comments

climbingsingle

My friend Mark - we've been friends since I was 18, so going on 16 years. We both consider each other best friends. He met my FI before we started dating and he knows him very well too. I sent out a STD to Mark in January. 

Mark mentioned to me yesterday that he might not be coming to the wedding because he has nothing to wear. 

He is 38 years old and single. He makes $$$$$. He lives in an apartment in his mom's house and pays $100 in rent. He's known about this wedding since January. And he can't go out and get a pair of pants and a button down shirt? For real? I told him he doesn't have to go out and buy a suit. Slacks and a nice shirt are FINE! He can go to Sears and spend probably $50 on a whole outfit. But he seems set on using this as an excuse. 

Honestly, I'm more disappointed than angry. But oh well. There's nothing I can do. But I did have to snark on it. 

Marzipan13

That sounds like code for "I don't want to go, but I can't think of a better excuse" to me...     
I'd be snarky about this one, too - sorry Mark is being a butt.  

climbingsingle

Marzipan13 said:

That sounds like code for "I don't want to go, but I can't think of a better excuse" to me...     
I'd be snarky about this one, too - sorry Mark is being a butt.  

I seriously love your signature gif @Marzipan13! 

ElcaB

If he's going to make up an excuse, he could have done way better than that. 

I deduct points for him wanting to make an excuse not to go. I further deduct because that is a really, really dumb excuse. 

Marzipan13

Aw thanks, Climbing!  Mr. Bean is my spirit animal.  (And the gif is a pretty accurate depiction of what I feel like during all this wedding planning LOL)

climbingsingle

Marzipan13 said:

Aw thanks, Climbing!  Mr. Bean is my spirit animal.  (And the gif is a pretty accurate depiction of what I feel like during all this wedding planning LOL)

Hahaha! Totally. That's exactly what I'd like to do with the 5,789 questions I've been getting for the past 4 weeks. Also, my brother and I used to watch Mr. Bean on HBO all the time and die laughing. 

So back to Mark - I mean, if you don't want to come, say that you have a work or something. Or you have a family engagement. Good lord. 

Bubblegum5586

WOW! Lame! Has he been to a wedding before? I had a couple guy friends who were reluctant to go, but had a blast once they were there!

Could you make plans to catch up, grab some lunch and help him pick out some clothes? Weird? Just a thought lol.

climbingsingle

bubblegum1309 said:

WOW! Lame! Has he been to a wedding before? I had a couple guy friends who were reluctant to go, but had a blast once they were there!

Could you make plans to catch up, grab some lunch and help him pick out some clothes? Weird? Just a thought lol.

Actually, I did even offer to go shopping with him! 

Also, he's going to know a ton of people at the wedding. I forgot to mention that before. His best friend growing up will be there, as will at least 10 other people he's friends with! 

beethery

Some buuuuuullshit if I ever heard any!

cupcait927

Yup, that is about one of the laziest excuses I've ever heard. And totally made up. You're all adults, if he doesn't want to go, he can man up and just tell you that.

Marzipan13

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Marzipan13 said:

Aw thanks, Climbing!  Mr. Bean is my spirit animal.  (And the gif is a pretty accurate depiction of what I feel like during all this wedding planning LOL)

Hahaha! Totally. That's exactly what I'd like to do with the 5,789 questions I've been getting for the past 4 weeks. Also, my brother and I used to watch Mr. Bean on HBO all the time and die laughing. 

A quick wedding + Mr. Bean tie-in...  FI and I are actually using a hymn for our wedding Mass that is featured in the episode where Mr. Bean goes to church (and forgets the words).  We picked it because we love the hymn, but also because the Mr. Bean reference makes us smile

STARMOON44

Let's examine the evidence:

1- has known you since you were 18

2- has considered you a best friend for 16 years

3- is single

4- displays a peculiar reluctance to attend your wedding.

I know what conclusion I am drawing! Hopefully he will come around, but I don't think offering to help solve the fake clothing issue will do it.

(PS- I suggest this option even if he's totally not into you now and completely supports your relationship. It can be unexpectedly hard to close off a possibility even when you never seriously intended to make it happen.)

climbingsingle

STARMOON44 said:

Let's examine the evidence: 1- has known you since you were 18 2- has considered you a best friend for 16 years 3- is single 4- displays a peculiar reluctance to attend your wedding. I know what conclusion I am drawing! Hopefully he will come around, but I don't think offering to help solve the fake clothing issue will do it. (PS- I suggest this option even if he's totally not into you now and completely supports your relationship. It can be unexpectedly hard to close off a possibility even when you never seriously intended to make it happen.)

Yeah, no. That's definitely not it. Trust me. 

STARMOON44

Well it's also def not that he doesn't understand how pants work!

danamw

Just forget about him. He might be enjoying the attention. If you talk to him again and he mentions it, just say "No problem"

If he comes around, saying he dug out a decent shirt and pants out of the back of his closet, say "Good, glad you will be there".

pinkcow13

That's such a shitty excuse!! I hope he comes around

southernbelle0915

scribe95 said:

If you are this close I would just be honest with him that you are hurt he isn't coming for such a lame reason. Ask him what's really going on.

This. 

With some of my friends, we are close enough to say to each other, "what the hell? That's the dumbest, most untrue and useless excuse I've ever heard. What is going on with you, for real? Talk to me." 

I mean, you know it's not about pants. JFC. I'm with @STARMOON44 unless you know he is gay.

LittlePeachBlossom

The pants excuse is so so lame. I'm with others- there's gotta be a real reason. You've rejected the idea of him being sad at losing you in a sense. Although I still think that's plausible, maybe something happened between him and someone in the group. Either a disagreement with one of the men or a hook-up gone wrong with one of the women (or men). So now he feels awkward in attending.

Def reach out and voice your concerns.

loveislouder

I have two opinions on this - my best friend told me she wasnt coming because she has to wash her hair, but I obviously know she's coming and that it was just one of those "I'm trying to be funny" things.  My other opinion is that you  could tell him he could come in a toga if he wanted to and that you'd still love him, because he's your friend and you want him there to celebrate this day with you.

holyguacamole79

Just tell him this:

jules3964

I'm sorry, I hope he changes his mind

I would tell him he can wear absolutely whatever he wants, because he's your best friend and you want him there.

I'm going through this with my best friend as well, except she actually has a good excuse. Although, what I hate is when they string you along and act like they're going to come, when really they're just not owning up to the fact that they never had any real intention of attending. Just tell me you're not coming already, so I can get used to it and move on.

artbyallie

Devil's advocate here. We're always saying it's not okay to dictate that your friends spend money on your wedding, whether that's going over the budget they've given you for WP attire (or not asking budget at all) or expecting a shower/b-party/whatever or paying for lodging you have selected because you want to have a slumber party in the hotel etc. Why is it okay to say this guy should spend any money on clothes to wear to the wedding?

I mean, granted I agree he's making a shitty excuse by saying he has nothing to wear because surely he works and/or goes on the occasional date and therefore has at least one outfit that's suitable. But again, I'm playing devil's advocate. If he wants to spend all his spare cash on booze or video games or just swim in it like Scrooge McDuck that's his prerogative, yes?

doeydo

I would have said that he doesn't have to wear anything special, whatever he has is fine.  But if he then said he wanted to be more fancy and he doesn't have fancy, then you could take him out shopping and get something nice.  

However, I don't think it is your place to say he has $$$$ and can afford to buy a nice outfit.  If he has money, great, he can spend it in whatever way he pleases.  But maybe he has tons of credit card debt that you have no idea about, or who knows what else.  

climbingsingle

Honestly, I really don't care what he wears. I just want him to be there. He can wear jeans and a t-shirt, which I actually told him! And he said he would feel very uncomfortable and under dressed. 

hikebikebemerry

This morning I heard on the radio that 30% of people have lied to get out of a wedding.

I have no idea how accurate this is, as I do not know where they got the information, but I did think it was interesting.

weddingcactus

ClimbingBrideNY said:

My friend Mark - we've been friends since I was 18, so going on 16 years. We both consider each other best friends. He met my FI before we started dating and he knows him very well too. 

scribe95 said:

If you are this close I would just be honest with him that you are hurt he isn't coming for such a lame reason. Ask him what's really going on.

Exactly this. You've been friends for 16 years and you consider him your best friend. You are hurt by this and want to do everything in your power to have your best friend attend. So talk to him! Let him know how you feel (not: "You have to go!" rather: "You are my best friend and it would mean a lot to me to have you there. I will be very sad if you do not go.") See if you can find out why he really does not want to go. 

Perhaps it does have to do with his lack of pants or perhaps there is more to it. Is he shy? Maybe he is uncomfortable attending alone. Offer to work out a carpool with shared friends so he does not have to walk in by himself and potentially feel out of place. Maybe he is afraid he will look out of place because he does not know what to wear. Offer to "shop his closet" to help him find something to wear. Does he have self-image issues or a dispute with another guest? Perhaps he does not want to see some of the other guests at the wedding and is dreading going. Again having him carpool with other friends might help. 

If you truly are best friends, or even just really good friends, you should be able to talk to each other about this. He needs to know how important this is to you and you need to try to listen to whatever is holding him back. Try to work together on a solution. I know I (a shy person who has been through the difficulty of attending events solo, including weddings) have often struggled to force myself to attend gatherings and if my best friend could help work through my concerns, it would probably have helped make things easier.  

climbingsingle

I've been talking with him. He keeps insisting it's the clothes issue. I keep telling him I don't care what he wears - he can wear jeans! Or even a white dress. I just want him there. 

Short of going to store, picking out an outfit for him and delivering it to his door, I don't know what else to do. 

He's already been offered a ride, by our friend John. Mark and John have been friends since they were 12, so I can't imagine there'd be an issue there. He's not a shy person. He's going to know a lot of people at the wedding too. 

I've told him how important it is to me and to my FI that he's there. 

thisismynickname2

hikebikebemerry said:

This morning I heard on the radio that 30% of people have lied to get out of a wedding.

I have no idea how accurate this is, as I do not know where they got the information, but I did think it was interesting.

I've wished I could lie to get out of one wedding but I had no idea what to say that I didn't think the bride would try to solve or otherwise talk me out of. 

I just am of the mindset that nothing except a job, a previously scheduled commitment (which is hard when you get a STD), or an emergency should prevent you from attending a wedding. If you are close enough to the happy couple to warrant an invite, you should accept the invite. (Now, I know that some hellish etiquette including obvious b-listing could be reason enough not to attend, but still, I'd never turn down a wedding invite if my schedule was open.)

I'm ticked on your behalf OP. Hope you get to the bottom of this!

ETA: Money is another reason not to attend. There are probably plenty of good reasons but this situation is lame!!

NYCMercedes

Any possibility Mark has a secret crush on you and it would hurt him too much to see you get married?

Knottie51227469

My dad isn't as prissy as my aunts and uncles are on the other side of the family, My dad is a hard working, jack of all trades master of none. My Great Grandmother responded to my invite saying "I don't think I will be feeling good that day so I can't come." Everyone knows its because my side is the black sheep of the family. My side has never written a book or anything spectacular like that. THATS why shes not coming. Thats a pretty sad excuse too, if you ask me.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

Because "I can't go, I am washing my hair" is already too obvious?

Classic avoidance.  PP's are right, this isnt about pants at all.