Dumbest excuse to not attend a wedding? Update in comments

BrandNewJ

You mentioned Mark is both good friends with both you and your FI. Perhaps your FI can talk to Mark to figure out the real reason why he doesn't want to come. A different POV can sometimes do a lot.

Simply Fated

ClimbingBrideNY said:

STARMOON44 said:

Let's examine the evidence: 1- has known you since you were 18 2- has considered you a best friend for 16 years 3- is single 4- displays a peculiar reluctance to attend your wedding. I know what conclusion I am drawing! Hopefully he will come around, but I don't think offering to help solve the fake clothing issue will do it. (PS- I suggest this option even if he's totally not into you now and completely supports your relationship. It can be unexpectedly hard to close off a possibility even when you never seriously intended to make it happen.)

Yeah, no. That's definitely not it. Trust me. 

Elaborate, please.

climbingsingle

I talked to Mark's best friend John about it this weekend. He reminded me that Mark didn't attend the following events:

The christening of John's first kid (he never came to visit after the kid was born either)

1st birthday party for said first kid 

The christening of John's second kid 

1st birthday party for second kid 

And Mark had a shitty excuse for skipping all of these events too. I honestly didn't even realize. John told me that this is the way Mark is. And I see now he's right. 

msuprincess04

Has he gained a lot of weight recently? Maybe that's why he has no pants.

ETA: finally read the second page. yeah, sounds like he's just not into the mushy stuff, even if there's a party afterwards.

climbingsingle

msuprincess04 said:

Has he gained a lot of weight recently? Maybe that's why he has no pants.

ETA: finally read the second page. yeah, sounds like he's just not into the mushy stuff, even if there's a party afterwards.

Nope. He's a thin guy and has been the same weight since I've known him. 

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

Sounds like he just hates going to big events...

brideofginger

My favorite part of being an adult is that sometimes you can just say "no" to something without giving a lame-ass excuse. Like, if I don't want to go, I just politely decline. I don't always feel like I owe anybody an explanation.

banana468

So is he just not a social person?   If he's declining all these events he's reminding me of my uncle who shows up for "a good time but not a long time."   He went to my wedding but he's not one who wants to be big into crowds. 

Fran1985

BrandNewJ said:

You mentioned Mark is both good friends with both you and your FI. Perhaps your FI can talk to Mark to figure out the real reason why he doesn't want to come. A different POV can sometimes do a lot.

I really don't understand this whole thread. I think if anyone else was posting this, people would say well you just have to accept that and move on. the first thing I thought of was social anxiety, and further information sounds like that is def the case. Under no circumstances should you get more people to hound this man for better reasons. You'll get one of two things 1) the same response or 2) he will be forced into a confession he doesn't want to make.

Fairyjen1

     In my family weddings are not summons. We can decline for a good reason or no reason at all and no one gets bent out of shape. I definitely think you are within your rights to be dissapointed, but he really doesn't have to attend and he really doesn't owe you an explanation. Were I in your situation I'd just make sure he wasn't mad at me for some reason that's causing him to not attend and if all was good just chalk it up to him not being into weddings. Some people aren't.

climbingsingle

Fran1985 said:

BrandNewJ said:

You mentioned Mark is both good friends with both you and your FI. Perhaps your FI can talk to Mark to figure out the real reason why he doesn't want to come. A different POV can sometimes do a lot.

I really don't understand this whole thread. I think if anyone else was posting this, people would say well you just have to accept that and move on. the first thing I thought of was social anxiety, and further information sounds like that is def the case. Under no circumstances should you get more people to hound this man for better reasons. You'll get one of two things 1) the same response or 2) he will be forced into a confession he doesn't want to make.

STUCK. Stupid box. 

If you read my original post, I said that I was disappointed. I also said that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sad that someone I consider a best friend is not going to be there, and that his excuse was that he didn't have clothing to wear, when he's known about the wedding for 8 months. I haven't guilted him or hounded him in any way. When he said he had nothing to wear, I offered to go shopping with him. That's it. After I got more excuses, I dropped it. 

climbingsingle

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Fran1985 said:

BrandNewJ said:

You mentioned Mark is both good friends with both you and your FI. Perhaps your FI can talk to Mark to figure out the real reason why he doesn't want to come. A different POV can sometimes do a lot.

I really don't understand this whole thread. I think if anyone else was posting this, people would say well you just have to accept that and move on. the first thing I thought of was social anxiety, and further information sounds like that is def the case. Under no circumstances should you get more people to hound this man for better reasons. You'll get one of two things 1) the same response or 2) he will be forced into a confession he doesn't want to make.

STUCK. Stupid box. 

If you read my original post, I said that I was disappointed. I also said that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sad that someone I consider a best friend is not going to be there, and that his excuse was that he didn't have clothing to wear, when he's known about the wedding for 8 months. I haven't guilted him or hounded him in any way. When he said he had nothing to wear, I offered to go shopping with him. That's it. After I got more excuses, I dropped it. 

Also, I don't know where you got the idea that I'm asking people to hound him. Our mutual friend offered him a ride to the wedding months ago. That's it. No one else has discussed anything with him. 

LittlePeachBlossom

flantastic said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Fran1985 said:

BrandNewJ said:

You mentioned Mark is both good friends with both you and your FI. Perhaps your FI can talk to Mark to figure out the real reason why he doesn't want to come. A different POV can sometimes do a lot.

I really don't understand this whole thread. I think if anyone else was posting this, people would say well you just have to accept that and move on. the first thing I thought of was social anxiety, and further information sounds like that is def the case. Under no circumstances should you get more people to hound this man for better reasons. You'll get one of two things 1) the same response or 2) he will be forced into a confession he doesn't want to make.

STUCK. Stupid box. 

If you read my original post, I said that I was disappointed. I also said that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sad that someone I consider a best friend is not going to be there, and that his excuse was that he didn't have clothing to wear, when he's known about the wedding for 8 months. I haven't guilted him or hounded him in any way. When he said he had nothing to wear, I offered to go shopping with him. That's it. After I got more excuses, I dropped it. 

Also, I don't know where you got the idea that I'm asking people to hound him. Our mutual friend offered him a ride to the wedding months ago. That's it. No one else has discussed anything with him. 

She didn't say that you'd be hounding him, it was just some of the advice that PPs gave (which is pretty inconsistent with advice we usually give) and she wanted to make sure you didn't take it.

I think having the Groom ask him is hardly hounding him. The interested parties are bride, groom, mark. Sure Mark & Bride spoke, but I think it's okay for the Groom to reach out and see if it was just something Mark was uncomfortable discussing with the Bride. They are very good friends too. It's only natural to make an extra effort for those closest to you.

It does look like he's just not into big social events (anxiety?) being that he skips them all. I'd just send him the invitation and if he RSVPs no, then that's his final answer. But don't take it as an insult, as disappointing as it may be. It shouldn't be the be-all and end-all of your friendship. Catch up after the wedding and show there are no hard feelings.

wrigleyville

My H is like that. He skips lots of birthday parties, christenings, weddings, etc. He doesn't like crowds or big, celebratory events. We had a small wedding in Vegas because he didn't want a 200-guest wedding in my home state. 

He feels bored and awkward in those situations, and while I was hurt that he didn't accompany me the first few times, I'm used to it now. I actually prefer to leave him at home because knowing how uncomfortable he is while there prevents me from enjoying myself. Without him, I can laugh and talk with friends and family for as long as I want. 

My friends and family are used to it too, so he doesn't bother with excuses anymore (we used to tell people he had a conference, had to work that weekend, or didn't feel well).

Anyway, I'm sorry he's missing your wedding. I'm sure it hurts quite a bit.

STARMOON44

wrigleyville said:

My H is like that. He skips lots of birthday parties, christenings, weddings, etc. He doesn't like crowds or big, celebratory events. We had a small wedding in Vegas because he didn't want a 200-guest wedding in my home state. 

He feels bored and awkward in those situations, and while I was hurt that he didn't accompany me the first few times, I'm used to it now. I actually prefer to leave him at home because knowing how uncomfortable he is while there prevents me from enjoying myself. Without him, I can laugh and talk with friends and family for as long as I want. 

My friends and family are used to it too, so he doesn't bother with excuses anymore (we used to tell people he had a conference, had to work that weekend, or didn't feel well).

Anyway, I'm sorry he's missing your wedding. I'm sure it hurts quite a bit.

On the one hand, choosing to hurt other people instead of dealing with feeling bored and awkward is really selfish. But, on the other, we all bring different things to the table in a relationship. Good reminder to try and not let this feel personal.

climbingsingle

I have an update! He's actually coming! 

blondeej

Climingbride - that's great news! 

My dad's cousin just informed me she can't make my (Saturday) wedding because she has jury duty....  Yep. Jury Duty. On a Saturday. 

simplyelise

I've lied to say no to a wedding! The save the date came only 3ish months out and it was at the end of August and OOT and for a childhood friend who I hadn't seen in years and who I am not inviting to my wedding.

If we had gone, our summer would have been 4 weekends OOT with family obligations/showers, a weekend of me recovering from wisdom teeth extraction, followed by this OOT wedding. So I fudged and said that I was getting my wisdom teeth out right before. Still sent a gift though!


(This decision was confirmed when I got the invitation with "& Guest" instead of my FI's name and the RSVP had no return stamp.)

Fran1985

flantastic said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Fran1985 said:

BrandNewJ said:

You mentioned Mark is both good friends with both you and your FI. Perhaps your FI can talk to Mark to figure out the real reason why he doesn't want to come. A different POV can sometimes do a lot.

I really don't understand this whole thread. I think if anyone else was posting this, people would say well you just have to accept that and move on. the first thing I thought of was social anxiety, and further information sounds like that is def the case. Under no circumstances should you get more people to hound this man for better reasons. You'll get one of two things 1) the same response or 2) he will be forced into a confession he doesn't want to make.

STUCK. Stupid box. 

If you read my original post, I said that I was disappointed. I also said that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sad that someone I consider a best friend is not going to be there, and that his excuse was that he didn't have clothing to wear, when he's known about the wedding for 8 months. I haven't guilted him or hounded him in any way. When he said he had nothing to wear, I offered to go shopping with him. That's it. After I got more excuses, I dropped it. 

Also, I don't know where you got the idea that I'm asking people to hound him. Our mutual friend offered him a ride to the wedding months ago. That's it. No one else has discussed anything with him. 

She didn't say that you'd be hounding him, it was just some of the advice that PPs gave (which is pretty inconsistent with advice we usually give) and she wanted to make sure you didn't take it.

Yup, exactly. See the update that he is coming though, so that's great.

wrigleyville

STARMOON44 said:

My H is like that. He skips lots of birthday parties, christenings, weddings, etc. He doesn't like crowds or big, celebratory events. We had a small wedding in Vegas because he didn't want a 200-guest wedding in my home state. 

He feels bored and awkward in those situations, and while I was hurt that he didn't accompany me the first few times, I'm used to it now. I actually prefer to leave him at home because knowing how uncomfortable he is while there prevents me from enjoying myself. Without him, I can laugh and talk with friends and family for as long as I want. 

My friends and family are used to it too, so he doesn't bother with excuses anymore (we used to tell people he had a conference, had to work that weekend, or didn't feel well).

Anyway, I'm sorry he's missing your wedding. I'm sure it hurts quite a bit.

On the one hand, choosing to hurt other people instead of dealing with feeling bored and awkward is really selfish. But, on the other, we all bring different things to the table in a relationship. Good reminder to try and not let this feel personal.

My family and friends understand how shy/anxious he is in social settings and respect that. They love him and don't want to force him to be social if he's not feeling up to it.

To be fair, he does attend SOME family/friend functions. He just spaces them out. For example, he went to my niece's birthday party (which had about 25 kids ranging from 1-7 years old), but then he skipped a family reunion a couple weeks later. A month after that, he went to a Labor Day picnic. So it's really a matter of balance, and he does try.

climbingsingle

So, update! He never showed up! I'm so angry. 

I had talked to him brielfly the week before the wedding. He asked how I was doing and I told him I was super excited for the wedding. Well, come the wedding day, he never showed up. I didn't receive a call or text or email or Facebook message. Nothing. 

Apparently a mutual friend texted him after the wedding asking what happened. He replied back, "I suck. I know." Two days later he messaged me on FB and said, "You know, everyone is posting pics of your wedding all over FB." Uh. OK? I know. 

I haven't responded. 

hellohkb

Damn. I'm sorry he never actually made it after you thought he was going to. Judging from his behavior and his odd facebook message, it seems he has some extreme social anxiety.

climbingsingle

hellohkb said:

Damn. I'm sorry he never actually made it after you thought he was going to. Judging from his behavior and his odd facebook message, it seems he has some extreme social anxiety.

I think you may be right. 

Inkdancer

ClimbingBrideNY said:

So, update! He never showed up! I'm so angry. 

I had talked to him brielfly the week before the wedding. He asked how I was doing and I told him I was super excited for the wedding. Well, come the wedding day, he never showed up. I didn't receive a call or text or email or Facebook message. Nothing. 

Apparently a mutual friend texted him after the wedding asking what happened. He replied back, "I suck. I know." Two days later he messaged me on FB and said, "You know, everyone is posting pics of your wedding all over FB." Uh. OK? I know. 

I haven't responded. 

Evil Inkdancer would write back "Yeah, because they showed up to it."

kaitlynmichelle

Wow, I can't believe he bailed and didn't even tell you. Or have the courtesy to apologize to you.

cambryn

sarahbear31 said:

Just tell him this:

That genuinely made me do a weird drool spittake laugh thing. 

To OP- even if it's not romantically motivated (totally sounds like it may be)- sometimes there's a fear that your relationship will change once you're married- especially if y'all are different sexes. 

Other theory- does he know other people there? Because if not, and going alone, it can be awkward for the non-socially adventurous sort. 

I agree with others- you need to have a quick chat to see what's really going on.

cambryn

Knottie51227469 said:

My dad isn't as prissy as my aunts and uncles are on the other side of the family, My dad is a hard working, jack of all trades master of none. My Great Grandmother responded to my invite saying "I don't think I will be feeling good that day so I can't come." Everyone knows its because my side is the black sheep of the family. My side has never written a book or anything spectacular like that. THATS why shes not coming. Thats a pretty sad excuse too, if you ask me.

I don't know- really old people can have health issues that really make travelling hard on them. I don't know your situation- but that could be a factor.

climbingsingle

cambryn said:

sarahbear31 said:

Just tell him this:

That genuinely made me do a weird drool spittake laugh thing. 

To OP- even if it's not romantically motivated (totally sounds like it may be)- sometimes there's a fear that your relationship will change once you're married- especially if y'all are different sexes. 

Other theory- does he know other people there? Because if not, and going alone, it can be awkward for the non-socially adventurous sort. 

I agree with others- you need to have a quick chat to see what's really going on.

He knew a minimum of 15 people there, including his best friend from high school that he's still friends with. 

doeydo

Maybe he feels like everyone is getting married and having kids and stuff and he is just still doing the same old thing?  Like perhaps he is insecure or depressed about his life versus others'?

climbingsingle

doeydo said:

Maybe he feels like everyone is getting married and having kids and stuff and he is just still doing the same old thing?  Like perhaps he is insecure or depressed about his life versus others'?

He has a daughter, and has told me many times that he has no interest in getting married. He was with the mother of his child for quite a few years. She wanted to get married, and he didn't. That's one of the reasons they broke up. 

We've been platonic friends for over 15 years. He's told me before that I'm not his type, and I feel the same way about him. Trust me - there is no attraction at all there. We're friends, but we've both never had any intrest in dating each other or anything else.