Wedding Etiquette Forum

"Normal" wedding after a small legal ceremony / "PPD"

slb40slb40 member
10 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
edited September 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Greetings fellow knotties!

I've found a lot of negative feedback on the boards here concerning brides looking to have a 'real' wedding, or a 'formal' wedding, or a 'public' wedding after a small ceremony, or a JOP quicky down at the local or eloped-to courthouse, for whatever (legitimate or illegitimate) reason.

Recently, (after the normal many many months of planning) we had our 'real' wedding celebration, after having signed the papers about 10 months prior. I had a white dress, we exchanged rings, we had cake, and I changed my name, and we had a party. We invited our family and friends, who, again, all knew that we had been legally married and very much looking forward to our wedding day. We made a registry but didn't advertise it, and weren't making a point of asking for gifts/money. We just wanted to celebrate with friends and family. Between speaking with people directly, and hearing lots and lots of secondhand talk, we had no miffed guests, no one who felt deceived, and for the most part, everyone enjoyed the party. (I had two much younger cousins that knew no one aside from each other, and were apparently bored out of their minds, but hey, can't please everyone!)
Our personal circumstances were military-related; we did not NEED to get legally married but it was going to make things a LOT easier on us. We signed the papers at his church with our parents and his pastor and told our friends and extended family- it was no secret.

I'm more than a little troubled that having a large celebration later is so looked-down upon. No, it might not be for everybody, and there are probably folks out there who will want to have another wedding celebration in order to secure more tangible gifts. Having a delayed celebration is not innately a negative thing, so please be open to why brides (and their grooms) might be choosing such an arrangement. If you vehemently disagree that a small-then-large arrangement is at all acceptable, please don't insult other brides potentially going through a rough time already of dealing with this abnormal situation. It might not have been their first choice. Brides choosing to make this choice, I DON'T think it's ideal, and please make sure you're taking everything into consideration, and look at your options carefully.

Thank you to the lovely folks here that helped me plan our wedding celebration. We had a supremely fantastic day with food and family and friends and all that good stuff!
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Re: "Normal" wedding after a small legal ceremony / "PPD"

  • I would never look down on such a ceremony, and I highly doubt your guests are secretly seething at the horrible audacity of hosting a party for them. Our officiant fell through very close to our wedding date so we went to the JOP on the same morning as our wedding. I never knew I was then obligated to cancel the ceremony and reception because we had been officially married an hour before, and I was now a "pretty princess" and a liar. People knew we had an emergency and opted to do this instead.
  • If everyone knows that you were already married, I don't have a huge problem with it.

    I agree with this. As long as you are being honest with everyone attending, and they are willing to attend and celebrate with you, then that's your decision.

    I recently attended what I considered to be a PPD. The couple had been married for a year but most of their family didn't know (for reasons unknown). Once a few key family members found out, they pressured the couple into a HUGE wedding -- with the condition that they pretend they were not actually married so as not to upset extended family.

    This to me is not okay, as many of us knew they were already married, but the majority of people attending had no clue.

    One of our mutual friends who knew they were already married even refused to go, as she said it felt phony and cheap.

    I went and had a good time but it was kind of awkward, especially during the toasts.

  • You can be as "troubled" as you want by our negative attitudes toward PPDs. Go for it. But you are unlikely to change anyone's minds by saying "it was really super fun, though!" I'm glad you didn't lie to your guests. Many PPDers do. But I'm waiting for a logical explanation of why I shouldn't find a "do-over" wedding tacky. 
    image
    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • I'm not trying to imply that 'signing the papers' isn't important. We considered ourselves married, as did friends/family, and it was a decision we came to slowly after months and years of thought. That day, although quiet, is incredibly special to us and our parents. (It's also what we're considering our anniversary date, because that is indeed when we got married.) I only call it paperwork because, fact of the matter, it is paperwork ;) Sorry you took it in a negative light @photokitty

    We definitely didn't do a shower- I was horrified at the idea, and not because we were living across the country. Parents and relatives started requesting a registry, and so we made one, telling people (to the point of overkill) that we expected nothing, just wanted to throw a party, but, well, if you really want to buy us something, thank you, and this is what we could use.
  • Yeah not sure what the point of this was. Maybe I am missing something?
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

    Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.
  • I'm PPD-lite. As long as you aren't lying AND you host everyone properly, I'm fine. Sure, I might side-eye an OTT spectacle, but I'd do the same even if it wasn't a PPD.


    ETA: I do, however, think doing bach parties/showers before a PPD is in poor taste.
    This. I think PPDs are stupid, but as long as everyone knows it's a PPD, meh.

    I think they are tasteless and rude as fuck when the couple is hiding the fact they are married.

    And I think pre wedding events for a PPD are tacky and rude.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • slb40 said:
    PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

    Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.
    So your OP was pointless.  Thanks for that.
    Sorry you think offering some emotional support is pointless. My OP was intended for that, nothing else. If you don't like it, move along.
  • slb40 said:

    PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)


    Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.
    Read some if the posts related to PPDs and the responses in this thread and perhaps you will understand why we typically view PPDs as unnecessary, stupid, and offensive.

    Start with the sticky on this page.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • slothiegalslothiegal member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited September 2014
    slb40 said:
    PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

    Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.
    This is the Etiquette board, and 99% of the time, PPDs are considered against etiquette.  Might not have been the best place to to post and "offer support". 


    ETA I won't even get into the offensive issues that have been brought up because I am in a NyQuil haze and forming logical posts is hard for me this week.  PP's have got it covered.
    Anniversary

    image
  • slb40 said:
    PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

    Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.

    I don't think anything about what you did is negative at all.  I just posted my thoughts on a "Real Wedding" mainly for lurkers on this board to know that if you get married by a JOP, have an intimate "immediate family only" wedding, etc.. and then have a celebration after, you really can't refer to it as a "wedding".  I think your information is wonderful!  and congrats on your marriage!  You did it! whoo hoo!
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