Instead of a traditional caterer.. "family cooked" wedding?

Jessica2426 · September 2014

I think etiquette is different for some people and/or areas. Some areas all they do is have a "potlick reception". I have had most of my friends email me and ask what they needed to bring I said nothing, so they say ok I will bring ________ (whatever!). They feel they need to bring something. I have no idea why. I have been to 7 weddings this year, 5 of them were for people he knew from his work so I brought nothing but felt bad because people were walking in with cupcakes, brownies, pudding, and stuff like that. Now, I went to my friends wedding in june and I made the cake. (No contract). But I just had to comment because all etiquette is not black and white.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

Jessica2426 said:

I think etiquette is different for some people and/or areas. Some areas all they do is have a "potlick reception". I have had most of my friends email me and ask what they needed to bring I said nothing, so they say ok I will bring ________ (whatever!). They feel they need to bring something. I have no idea why. I have been to 7 weddings this year, 5 of them were for people he knew from his work so I brought nothing but felt bad because people were walking in with cupcakes, brownies, pudding, and stuff like that. Now, I went to my friends wedding in june and I made the cake. (No contract). But I just had to comment because all etiquette is not black and white.

Yes it is. Huge un-hosted gaps are common in my area. Know what we didn't have? A huge un-hosted gap.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

[Deleted User] · September 2014

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

geminimama16 said:

julesndean said:

I understand that I posted this asking for advice, but isn't there a way to make it not tacky? My fiance is a chef, but he wants to enjoy our wedding, would it be unacceptable if he cooked all of the food? Does it make it ok that he is professionally trained and previously owned his own catering company? I can't pay for my families plan tickets or gas to get here, but helping with accommodations is more than necessary. Asking 4 or 5 people who have been cooking since WWII to help us by just cooking side dishes that they have been making forever doesnt exactly seem like the most tacky deal. I just feel like the term "potluck" turns people off... but I guess with the way we were planning on doing, it's not exactly your usual "potluck".
Sorry about it, but after reading other posts on other discussions, some of you sweet, blushing brides are very rude. You're entitled to your opinions, but you dont have to make people feel shitty because daddy isnt throwing down $50,000 for a wedding.

I agree with this so much... sad really that so many think that it's OK to bash each other in the name of "etiquette". How about using manners and tact to tell someone when you don't agree rather than proclaiming the "horror!!!" of an idea. I thought this was the budget board... Anyway, although I am greatly in the minority, I do not see this idea as inherently rude. If you were asking those who did not or could not help then that would be one thing. If it was made as a requisite of attending, that would be one thing. If you have spoken to the people who offered to help already then that's a whole other story! No one has to know WHO made the food, it can be tastefully displayed and served and then who's the wiser?

I disagree. Asking family members to cater a meal for 200 people is crazy. It's one thing to say "hey would you mind helping me load gifts into the car for a couple minutes?" But it's a whole new ball game to say, "Please plan, cook and serve appetizers and a full meal for 200 people." If her FI is a chef, they KNOW how difficult it is to cater large weddings. Why on earth ask family members with no experience to do this? And then not pay them for it?

So there are the terrible, difficult and imposing logistics of it and then there's food safety. Catering a meal for 200 people requires professional equipment and knowledge of food safety regulations.

Look. There's no reason she can't have a nice wedding, but the current plan is an imposing, rude and stressful one at best - for everyone. I think she should:

- cut the guest list in half (at least)

- have the wedding at a non-meal time to avoid needing to serve a meal; serve light refreshments and cake

- have a dry wedding - water/soda but no alcohol

- not offer to pay for her family's lodging and put that money toward the refreshments and cake

- don't ask guests to work unless she's planning to pay them

BOOM. Wedding in budget without breaking etiquette, imposing on guests, asking others to pay for things. See how easy that was?

Strawberry211chicago · September 2014

I think there are plot holes in this plan, apart from being so, so rude.

How this destination wedding, accommodations for at least 40 of them, the food and beverages for all 200, cheaper than a local wedding in a community center with catered food.

Cut your guest list, fancy venue and get a proper caterer.

Maggie0829 · September 2014

For those of you considering potlucks for your wedding and asking family members to make sides, do me a favor and buy all the ingredients for and then make enough mashed potatoes to feed 200 people. Actually add an additional 50 servings or so to that because not everyone will take just a serving size. So after peeling a shit ton of potatoes, boiling them and then mashing them with milk and butter (both of which are not inexpensive to buy) tell me if you still think it is "not rude" to ask your family members to do the same. Oh and then you have to figure out a way to store the mashed potatoes and then reheat them and keep them hot at the wedding.

Jessica2426 · September 2014

So tell me why I am in the black? Just saying different people, regions, areas, or whatever do things different. Some people dont think its rude of u have to stand at a beach for a wedding. Or if they say bring ur favorite dish to share with the new bride and groom along with the recipe. I know my cousin did this years ago. I remember my mom thinking of what to make.

ShesSoCold · September 2014

pinkrevenge said:

I'm sorry, some things are NOT adding up.

SO you're totally broke, is that right?

So you're going to throw a destination wedding 10 hours away with 200 people during a meal time?

Let me ask you something; do you think your family members can cook meals for 200 people in a cabin kitchen with their own finances? And does that not make your heart clench putting that kind of burden on them?

Unreal. You have lots of options for an affordable wedding; making your family take on the labor and debt after driving all that way is not one of them.

Even if your friends offer, I doubt any of them are looking to bring enough chips or pudding for 200 people. It's 200 people, come on! I would have to FILL my trunk to the roof with bags of chips to have enough chips for 200 people. Stop lying to yourself, you're plotting a disaster!

Oh no, OP is not burdening HER family with making food. She's making sure they are well taken care of and going above and beyond to ensure that they - her family alone - have lodging and no not have to cook. She's asking HIS family to do the cooking and they're on their own for lodging.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

CMGragain · September 2014

Jessica2426 said:

So tell me why I am in the black? Just saying different people, regions, areas, or whatever do things different. Some people dont think its rude of u have to stand at a beach for a wedding. Or if they say bring ur favorite dish to share with the new bride and groom along with the recipe. I know my cousin did this years ago. I remember my mom thinking of what to make.

Etiquette is not a matter of opinion. Just because you know people who have done something that is rude, doesn't make it OK to do it, too. All etiquette books say no pot luck wedding receptions. Who appointed YOU an etiquette authority?
Some people think it's OK to pick their noses in public. Sorry, it is still rude.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

Jessica2426 said:

So tell me why I am in the black? Just saying different people, regions, areas, or whatever do things different. Some people dont think its rude of u have to stand at a beach for a wedding. Or if they say bring ur favorite dish to share with the new bride and groom along with the recipe. I know my cousin did this years ago. I remember my mom thinking of what to make.

No. Using geographic location is a bad excuse. In my geographic area and on the Italian Catholic side of my family, unhosted gaps are the norm. Typical =/= OK

climbingsingle · September 2014

Jessica2426 said:

So tell me why I am in the black? Just saying different people, regions, areas, or whatever do things different. Some people dont think its rude of u have to stand at a beach for a wedding. Or if they say bring ur favorite dish to share with the new bride and groom along with the recipe. I know my cousin did this years ago. I remember my mom thinking of what to make.

Just because these things have happened does not make it OK. It's rude to ask people to stand for an entire ceremony. It's rude to ask people to provide food for your wedding reception.

Jessica2426 · September 2014

What about quick simple less than 5 min ceremonies? And isnt standing normal some places For Weddings? I can see if ur elderly or have a health issues, and that doesnt allow u to stand for a short period of time but for those healthy people a few min is not terrible. I stood longer during mass at Christmas time than out ceremony will be, lol. i am also Italian Catholic an unhosted gaps are not the norm. In fact, they are normally over hosted!!! With enough food for the guests and then friends that they want to call to join them because they have an overload on food!!! Most of my Italian family could have and would Have make enough for 200!!! And they are def the kind of people who if you would have told them no they would have done it anyways! Now they are just way to old, but I wish they were able to because let me tell u they came from Italy and man could they cook!

Jessica2426 · September 2014

Let me rephrase (my phone wont let me edit)! Italian events do not have unhosted gaps in my family! I cant speak for other families.

beethery · September 2014

Jessica2426 said:

What about quick simple less than 5 min ceremonies? And isnt standing normal some places For Weddings? I can see if ur elderly or have a health issues, and that doesnt allow u to stand for a short period of time but for those healthy people a few min is not terrible. I stood longer during mass at Christmas time than out ceremony will be, lol. i am also Italian Catholic an unhosted gaps are not the norm. In fact, they are normally over hosted!!! With enough food for the guests and then friends that they want to call to join them because they have an overload on food!!! Most of my Italian family could have and would Have make enough for 200!!! And they are def the kind of people who if you would have told them no they would have done it anyways! Now they are just way to old, but I wish they were able to because let me tell u they came from Italy and man could they cook!

That's great that they can cook. You don't ask them to bring shit though. That's not the purpose of the party. You host your guests and provide food, beverages, and seats. To do otherwise is a dick move, and you don't want that. Don't do something that's a dick move.

My nonni and her sister would totally cook enough amazing food for everybody they wanted to host at their own event. I wouldn't ask them to cook all that food, transport it, and serve it, because I am not a jackass.

If I asked them to do that instead of just asking them to attend as guests, you better believe I'd get the hairy eyeball from nonni and probably a malochio on me and FI from Aunt Frannie so fuckin' fast that I better go back to Catholicism and start praying for safety in the light of Jesus, understood? Don't test the generosity of your family if you don't need to.

Seating for a ceremony, regardless of length is necessary. Just do it. Have some chairs out. If everyone elects to stand, that's up to them. But you provide the option of seating, or you're in dick move territory again.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

Jessica2426 said:

What about quick simple less than 5 min ceremonies? And isnt standing normal some places For Weddings? I can see if ur elderly or have a health issues, and that doesnt allow u to stand for a short period of time but for those healthy people a few min is not terrible. I stood longer during mass at Christmas time than out ceremony will be, lol. i am also Italian Catholic an unhosted gaps are not the norm. In fact, they are normally over hosted!!! With enough food for the guests and then friends that they want to call to join them because they have an overload on food!!! Most of my Italian family could have and would Have make enough for 200!!! And they are def the kind of people who if you would have told them no they would have done it anyways! Now they are just way to old, but I wish they were able to because let me tell u they came from Italy and man could they cook!

Christmas Mass is a Holy Day of Obligation. Your wedding isn't. Have a seat for each butt regardless of the length of the ceremony.

slothiegal · September 2014

beethery said:

Jessica2426 said:

What about quick simple less than 5 min ceremonies? And isnt standing normal some places For Weddings? I can see if ur elderly or have a health issues, and that doesnt allow u to stand for a short period of time but for those healthy people a few min is not terrible. I stood longer during mass at Christmas time than out ceremony will be, lol. i am also Italian Catholic an unhosted gaps are not the norm. In fact, they are normally over hosted!!! With enough food for the guests and then friends that they want to call to join them because they have an overload on food!!! Most of my Italian family could have and would Have make enough for 200!!! And they are def the kind of people who if you would have told them no they would have done it anyways! Now they are just way to old, but I wish they were able to because let me tell u they came from Italy and man could they cook!

That's great that they can cook. You don't ask them to bring shit though. That's not the purpose of the party. You host your guests and provide food, beverages, and seats. To do otherwise is a dick move, and you don't want that. Don't do something that's a dick move.

My nonni and her sister would totally cook enough amazing food for everybody they wanted to host at their own event. I wouldn't ask them to cook all that food, transport it, and serve it, because I am not a jackass.

If I asked them to do that instead of just asking them to attend as guests, you better believe I'd get the hairy eyeball from nonni and probably a malochio on me and FI from Aunt Frannie so fuckin' fast that I better go back to Catholicism and start praying for safety in the light of Jesus, understood? Don't test the generosity of your family if you don't need to.

Seating for a ceremony, regardless of length is necessary. Just do it. Have some chairs out. If everyone elects to stand, that's up to them. But you provide the option of seating, or you're in dick move territory again.

This whole comment just brought me back to my childhood, right down to the malocchio (baby slothie earned it quite a bit). Love it.

beethery · September 2014

sarahbear31 said:

Jessica2426 said:

What about quick simple less than 5 min ceremonies? And isnt standing normal some places For Weddings? I can see if ur elderly or have a health issues, and that doesnt allow u to stand for a short period of time but for those healthy people a few min is not terrible. I stood longer during mass at Christmas time than out ceremony will be, lol. i am also Italian Catholic an unhosted gaps are not the norm. In fact, they are normally over hosted!!! With enough food for the guests and then friends that they want to call to join them because they have an overload on food!!! Most of my Italian family could have and would Have make enough for 200!!! And they are def the kind of people who if you would have told them no they would have done it anyways! Now they are just way to old, but I wish they were able to because let me tell u they came from Italy and man could they cook!

Christmas Mass is a Holy Day of Obligation. Your wedding isn't. Have a seat for each butt regardless of the length of the ceremony.

THERE IT IS, Y'ALL. Your wedding day ain't up there with Baby Jesus' day of birth. The shit ain't even REMOTELY similar, so don't think what flies on that day is cool at your wedding.

LondonLisa · September 2014

So let's put aside the rudeness and just focus on logistics here. Do you actually realise the sheer quantity of food needed for 100 people, let alone 200!? Do these people you want to voluntold to cook have the large industrial ovens or stoves to cook that much? Or are you saying it is ok for them to do to in batches, essentially quintupling their work? When it gets to the wedding, who keeps the hot food hot and the cold food cold? Who serves it? Who refills it when it is empty? Who cleans it up and does the dishes? Are you expecting each of these people to do it, or are you getting up in your wedding dress and doing it all?

Before you make up your mind, watch a cooking show like Top Chef or master chef, and see what it is like for them (professional chefs) to prep, cook and serve small portions for usually 75-100 people. They are running around for hours, stressed, even with all the catering equipment, ingredients, and professional cooking (and half the guests and portions). I would never want to force that feeling on my mother in law! This isn't a family reunion with potato salad for 10, and you need to realise there is a reason you can't afford a fully catered meal- it is hard, hard work cooking for 200!

Weddings needn't be expensive, but it is beyond rude to expect others to do it for you.

ETA: Making just mashed potatoes, which would hypothetically be the easiest thing to make, for 200 people requires about 220 POUNDS of potatoes! Think about how much work it takes to make mash from a 5lb bag of potatoes and you are asking them to do 44 times that work!

atlastmrsg · September 2014

No. Potluck is never okay. You need to rearrange what you're spending on...downsize as needed...or push the date back so you can properly host your guests.

atlastmrsg · September 2014

Another thing, if you're "broke," have you considered the costs of seating your 200 guests? Folding chairs are $1.50-$3 each plus delivery/set up fees. Chiavari chairs are $6-$10 each. Tables are another $6-$12-ish, depending on round/long/etc. Linens? Plates? Napkins? Utensils?

lyndausvi · September 2014

geminimama16 said:

julesndean said:

I understand that I posted this asking for advice, but isn't there a way to make it not tacky? My fiance is a chef, but he wants to enjoy our wedding, would it be unacceptable if he cooked all of the food? Does it make it ok that he is professionally trained and previously owned his own catering company? I can't pay for my families plan tickets or gas to get here, but helping with accommodations is more than necessary. Asking 4 or 5 people who have been cooking since WWII to help us by just cooking side dishes that they have been making forever doesnt exactly seem like the most tacky deal. I just feel like the term "potluck" turns people off... but I guess with the way we were planning on doing, it's not exactly your usual "potluck".
Sorry about it, but after reading other posts on other discussions, some of you sweet, blushing brides are very rude. You're entitled to your opinions, but you dont have to make people feel shitty because daddy isnt throwing down $50,000 for a wedding.

I agree with this so much... sad really that so many think that it's OK to bash each other in the name of "etiquette". How about using manners and tact to tell someone when you don't agree rather than proclaiming the "horror!!!" of an idea. I thought this was the budget board... Anyway, although I am greatly in the minority, I do not see this idea as inherently rude. If you were asking those who did not or could not help then that would be one thing. If it was made as a requisite of attending, that would be one thing. If you have spoken to the people who offered to help already then that's a whole other story! No one has to know WHO made the food, it can be tastefully displayed and served and then who's the wiser?

Let's not forget the the OP's own MOTHER AND SISTER think this is tacky. I think that pretty much sums up how her social group feels about the situation. Then she came on here to find others think the same way. Others that include people from all over the world, of different ages, religions, races and economical groups.

To the bold: Who are you to determine I have the money, time, space to cook an item for 200 people? My dh is a professional chef. On the surface he would be the prime candidate to be asked to help. Fair enough. But he works 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. At certain times of the year he gets 2 days off over a 5 MONTH period of time.

When his he suppose to find the time to cook for an event he is invited to? The man cooks EVERY SINGLE DAY for people and you expect him to take is 1 rare day off to cook for others? The man goes out to dinner on his day off because he doesn't even want to cook for me, let alone 200 other people, most he does not know. Unless you were his BF he would decline the invite. He is not spending his day off catering. Nope he would just go to work and save his day off for a time when he doesn't have to cook.

jnrsgirl · September 2014

julesndean said:
I understand that I posted this asking for advice, but isn't there a way to make it not tacky? My fiance is a chef, but he wants to enjoy our wedding, would it be unacceptable if he cooked all of the food? Does it make it ok that he is professionally trained and previously owned his own catering company? I can't pay for my families plan tickets or gas to get here, but helping with accommodations is more than necessary. Asking 4 or 5 people who have been cooking since WWII to help us by just cooking side dishes that they have been making forever doesnt exactly seem like the most tacky deal. I just feel like the term "potluck" turns people off... but I guess with the way we were planning on doing, it's not exactly your usual "potluck".
Sorry about it, but after reading other posts on other discussions, some of you sweet, blushing brides are very rude. You're entitled to your opinions, but you dont have to make people feel shitty because daddy isnt throwing down $50,000 for a wedding.

Excuse me, but a huge number of us here are actually paying for our own weddings without any outside help. Hell many even have tiny budgets to work with! And yet we can still host a wedding properly.

Grow up and stop being such a whiny brat. So you don't have the cash to throw the big blowout you want... Either scale back on the guest list so you can afford to feed them or choose a meal time / food that is in your budget.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

Is he still an active chef? Does he have coworkers that would be willing to help out when it comes to the sides and what not? I know its against etiquette to ask for help but working in a restaurant myself I know we don't care about etiquette or asking for help. Good luck!

MrsMelodyShah · September 2014

OP, it sounds as if you already know what you want to do. You want to have a potluck, have a potluck. If you're looking for validation then it sounds as if your family is already supporting your decision. I personally wouldn't have a potluck at my own wedding because I do think it's tacky and not only that, I think it's very rude. That's just my own opinion. If your guests truly don't mind providing the food at your wedding then more power to you.

Also, you can do a tasting with a caterer before you hire them. That way you can hire someone who doesn't suck. I also like to get referrals, if possible.

chibiyui · September 2014

Dude. Leaving aside etiquette, logistics, everything else. Who the Fuck would even want to attend a 200 person potluck? Like, what kind of person are you, and are you clinically insane?

MobKaz · September 2014

awitmer77 said:

Is he still an active chef? Does he have coworkers that would be willing to help out when it comes to the sides and what not? I know its against etiquette to ask for help but working in a restaurant myself I know we don't care about etiquette or asking for help. Good luck!

Really?? No one in the restaurant business cares about etiquette? How nice of you to speak for an entire industry. FYI, the restaurant business is typically ALL about etiquette because it is a HOSPITALITY based industry.

jnrsgirl · September 2014

MrsMelodyShah said:
OP, it sounds as if you already know what you want to do. You want to have a potluck, have a potluck. If you're looking for validation then it sounds as if your family is already supporting your decision. I personally wouldn't have a potluck at my own wedding because I do think it's tacky and not only that, I think it's very rude. That's just my own opinion. If your guests truly don't mind providing the food at your wedding then more power to you.

Also, you can do a tasting with a caterer before you hire them. That way you can hire someone who doesn't suck. I also like to get referrals, if possible.

Actually if you read OPs post, her family called her potluck idea tacky and rude which is exactly what it is.

plainjane0415 · September 2014

MrsMelodyShah said:

OP, it sounds as if you already know what you want to do. You want to have a potluck, have a potluck. If you're looking for validation then it sounds as if your family is already supporting your decision. I personally wouldn't have a potluck at my own wedding because I do think it's tacky and not only that, I think it's very rude. That's just my own opinion. If your guests truly don't mind providing the food at your wedding then more power to you.

Also, you can do a tasting with a caterer before you hire them. That way you can hire someone who doesn't suck. I also like to get referrals, if possible.

All of this. Most caterers can make anything you want, so if there's a certain dish that you can't live without at your wedding, give them the family recipe and let them make it. That way your family is freed up during your wedding and reception and can actually enjoy the time with family and friends. Please, please, please don't consider a potluck reception. It's more trouble than it's worth.

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