Our only issue... Long- sorry

climbingsingle

I think you need to find a happy medium. I understand that you have diet restrictions, but you shouldn't force them on your FI. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting your partner to be healthy, but the way you're going about it seems wrong. 

lurkergirl

ashley8918 said:

MN2UK said:

chibiyui said:

MN2UK said:

I am stunned to see so many people so readily discount a link between cancer and diet.  No, no single diet or food group can prevent cancer.  However, there is a body of scientific evidence that suggests a more plant-based diet can lower the risk of certain cancers.  Again, there is no clear-cut 100% proven absolute causal link, but to dismiss OP's concerns as "far fetched" or "crazy" is unfair.

I think there's a difference though between, "eating this way could LOWER your risk of cancer" and "eating this way WILL GIVE YOU CANCER"

Absolutely.  I just cannot see where the OP said her FI's diet causes cancer.

This:

bekt14 said:

We had a huge argument this weekend about it. It's constantly a source of stress for me.  We get along perfectly in every other way, but this is the one thing that causes us conflict. I just cannot stop worrying about it. I know he doesn't understand where I'm coming from because he hasn't had the same dramatic experiences as I have with health problems. No one in his family has ever had cancer or any other serious illness. So, he doesn't know what it's like. From his point of view, he's never seen anyone get sick from his type of diet, so he thinks I'm worrying too much. I just want to prevent my kids from going through what I went through. 

And here:

bekt14 said:

JCbride2015  I can see how that would seem judgmental, and I'm trying very very hard not to be. I just can't forget the awful experiences I've had in the past and the amazing recovery from just changing my diet. I do believe certain food and diets can cause cancer- although I believe some people are more susceptible than others. 

This is absolutely far-fetched and crazy.

Yes and not to mention fucking insulting to many TK regs.

bekt14

Just to clear things up,

1. I'm not saying FIs diet is GOING to cause him cancer. However, I believe that it's like cigarettes. Is everyone who ever smoked a single cigarette going to get cancer with 100% certainty- NO. Obviously not. But they have a higher risk of developing cancer at some point in their lives because they are introducing toxic cancer-causing chemicals into their body. It's playing with fire. 

2. I'm not concerned just about cancer. There are a million other illnesses that can result from a bad diet, such as allergies, severe acne, psoriasis- all of which FI does have and that can all be helped with eating better. 

3. It's literally been a life and death issue for me and my family- so it's not easy for me to just suddenly act like food is a non-issue. I don't want to be judgmental in any way- but I also don't want to suddenly give up on something that's extremely important to me. 

4. Thanks for all the advice and perspectives from other picky eaters. I have heard of super-tasters before. I think FI fits that description pretty well because he also has a much stronger sense of smell and texture than I do. 

5. Sorry if I'm offending anyone, and I will try to lighten up on him and keep an open mind. 

lyndausvi

Story time:

Now DH does not have cancer, nor has anyone in his family for that matter.  (Italian family whose diet is mostly pastas, pizzas, breads, etc foods by the way).  

DH does have a heart aneurysm (discovered last year).    DH was pushing 300 lbs.  Now diet dose NOT cause aneurysm nor does it reverse them.  He is sitting at 4.5 cm.  If it grows to over 5 he needs surgery.  His weight will absolutely effect his recovery.  The doctor even said he might not be able to operate if he was over a certain weight.

I spent the first month nagging him about loosing weight.   Then I just had to stop.  Nagging only caused him to rebel and eat more.  It's a control thing for him.   He had to lose it on his own.   Fast forward a year.  He ON HIS OWN found a doctor.  He is now under 250 and still loosing.  

My point is nagging does not work on most people.  It actually ends up having the opposite effect. It's okay to be concerned, it's not okay to project your own fears about diet and cancer on him.  Especially when it seems his family does not have the same issues your own family does.

hellosweetie1015

jenna8984 said:

My husband is not adventurous. We took a trip to NYC and I wanted so badly to try one of the amazing top rated restaurants but the only thing he wanted for 3 days were street vendor hot dogs. I couldn't get him into a restaurant. We just went on our honeymoon and 6 days in a row he ordered a hot dog from the pool bar. I tried something different each day. In Asia I tried weird foods and all he would order was plain steamed white rice. Sure it gets a little annoying because I'd love him to try new things with me but oh well. It's really not a big deal for us so I never push him and make him order something else. He's a grown man, he wants a hot dogs every day, fine whatever. I don't think the kids will be a big deal. You just pack them the healthy foods and if they ask why daddy gets cookies you say "he's a grown up, you can chose to have them when you're a grown up". My parents raised us very healthy, we were those kids with carrot sticks and I'm grateful for it which influences my decisions as an adult. Don't worry about that now.

I dunno.... with the street vendors I've seen, that sounds way more adventurous than a top-rated restaurant to me...

OP, I'm picky. Luckily, FI's not picky at all - if I cook something, he'll eat it. And I've made myself a rule that before I can say I don't like something, I have to try it twice. I do typically buy the things I like, but if FI were to buy something I'd never had, I would eat it. He knows that sometimes I'm going to say I don't like it. 

As to whether you can have sit down dinners while not eating the same things, how do you do it at a restaurant? Do you both order EXACTLY the same thing? What about "fend-for-yourself" night? What about when you've planned Taco Night but your FI brings home pizza unexpectedly? You don't have to eat the same thing to eat at the same time, you just have to sit down and eat at the same time. It's not even that much more difficult.

I understand that you're on a diet that works for you. I've thought about trying a Paleo diet. However, I know what would happen. I'd fail. I LOVE carbs. I love mini burgers and pasta and pizza. I love Wendy's and Taco Bell and Hardee's and Jack's. I love Waffle House and IHOP and Denny's. I love Chinese and Mexican and Vietnamese (but not pho). I would starve, or either beat myself up for falling "off the wagon". 

Oh, also: My grandfather had a phenomenal diet. He had open heart surgery before I was born, and the doctor gave him a specific diet to eat. My grandmother ensured that he NEVER ate out (seriously, I can remember maybe three times that he ever ate out), hardly ever ate anything processed, and cut out/down sodium, cholesterol, and fat. He still got cancer, and he died from it. Cancer doesn't come from a poor diet. Cancer comes from a mutation in a cell. Yes, it can be affected by carcinogens - but carcinogens are everywhere. A healthy diet LOWERS your risk, not ELIMINATES it.

ETA - Thank you for softening on the "causes" versus "raises your risk" issue. Yes, carcinogens raise your risk. But they do not automatically cause it. 

bethsmiles

bekt14 said:

Just to clear things up,

1. I'm not saying FIs diet is GOING to cause him cancer. However, I believe that it's like cigarettes. Is everyone who ever smoked a single cigarette going to get cancer with 100% certainty- NO. Obviously not. But they have a higher risk of developing cancer at some point in their lives because they are introducing toxic cancer-causing chemicals into their body. It's playing with fire. 

2. I'm not concerned just about cancer. There are a million other illnesses that can result from a bad diet, such as allergies, severe acne, psoriasis- all of which FI does have and that can all be helped with eating better. 

3. It's literally been a life and death issue for me and my family- so it's not easy for me to just suddenly act like food is a non-issue. I don't want to be judgmental in any way- but I also don't want to suddenly give up on something that's extremely important to me. 

4. Thanks for all the advice and perspectives from other picky eaters. I have heard of super-tasters before. I think FI fits that description pretty well because he also has a much stronger sense of smell and texture than I do. 

5. Sorry if I'm offending anyone, and I will try to lighten up on him and keep an open mind. 

Except it's clearly not like smoking because there is a ton of researching pointing to a causality between smoking and diet. That doesn't exist for diet. Yes a healthier diet may lower your risk but it doesn't mean you won't get cancer. Honestly, your family history is of more concern than your diet.

ashley8918

bethsmiles said:

bekt14 said:

Just to clear things up,

1. I'm not saying FIs diet is GOING to cause him cancer. However, I believe that it's like cigarettes. Is everyone who ever smoked a single cigarette going to get cancer with 100% certainty- NO. Obviously not. But they have a higher risk of developing cancer at some point in their lives because they are introducing toxic cancer-causing chemicals into their body. It's playing with fire. 

2. I'm not concerned just about cancer. There are a million other illnesses that can result from a bad diet, such as allergies, severe acne, psoriasis- all of which FI does have and that can all be helped with eating better. 

3. It's literally been a life and death issue for me and my family- so it's not easy for me to just suddenly act like food is a non-issue. I don't want to be judgmental in any way- but I also don't want to suddenly give up on something that's extremely important to me. 

4. Thanks for all the advice and perspectives from other picky eaters. I have heard of super-tasters before. I think FI fits that description pretty well because he also has a much stronger sense of smell and texture than I do. 

5. Sorry if I'm offending anyone, and I will try to lighten up on him and keep an open mind. 

Except it's clearly not like smoking because there is a ton of researching pointing to a causality between smoking and diet. That doesn't exist for diet. Yes a healthier diet may lower your risk but it doesn't mean you won't get cancer. Honestly, your family history is of more concern than your diet.

This. 

LadyMillil

bekt14 said:

Just to clear things up,

1. I'm not saying FIs diet is GOING to cause him cancer. However, I believe that it's like cigarettes. Is everyone who ever smoked a single cigarette going to get cancer with 100% certainty- NO. Obviously not. But they have a higher risk of developing cancer at some point in their lives because they are introducing toxic cancer-causing chemicals into their body. It's playing with fire. 

2. I'm not concerned just about cancer. There are a million other illnesses that can result from a bad diet, such as allergies, severe acne, psoriasis- all of which FI does have and that can all be helped with eating better. 

3. It's literally been a life and death issue for me and my family- so it's not easy for me to just suddenly act like food is a non-issue. I don't want to be judgmental in any way- but I also don't want to suddenly give up on something that's extremely important to me. 

4. Thanks for all the advice and perspectives from other picky eaters. I have heard of super-tasters before. I think FI fits that description pretty well because he also has a much stronger sense of smell and texture than I do. 

5. Sorry if I'm offending anyone, and I will try to lighten up on him and keep an open mind. 

Cancer is caused by multiple genetic mutations in your DNA that cause the cells to escape all the checkpoints that keep them from growing uncontrollably. Some people are born with mutations that mean they are already missing a part of a checkpoint, and some people can be exposed to carcinogens daily and never actually develop cancer. There are thousands of carcinogens out there and to avoid them all is impossible. To the bolded, a lot of those things that you list are immune disorders. Diet has little to do with most of them. Again, genetics play a big role. For most diseases there is a huge interplay between genetics and the environment that determine if some one will develop a condition. If you are genetically predisposed to developing a certain disease, diet change may not have any impact on preventing it. If you are not genetically predisposed to developing a disease, changing you diet doesn't matter. A lot of people feel better and have general better health when they make radical changes to their diet (ex. paleo diet) because they are cutting out all the processed crap and are eating more "whole foods".

SBmini

I'm going to ignore the vitriol in this thread and focus on the original post-

OP I totally know where you are coming from. My husband was raised by a woman who would do anything to make him happy- including making him other meals if he didn't like the food she made. As a result he had a lot of very unhealthy habits and there were a lot of foods he wouldn't touch while I on the other hand love trying new things and eating healthy. When we met, bread and cheese were also his favorite foods. 

That was 11 years ago and a lot changed slowly over time. I told him at one point that I didn't want our children to be picky eaters (he agreed) and that I couldn't get them to eat things if he wouldn't eat them. That really resonated with him and he started to make an attempt. Now, we hardly have any food differences. He's learned to like a lot of things and become more adventurous in his eating. 

Additionally, he's moved from a carb lover to a keto person. It works well for him, he realized that his chronic heartburn was a direct result of his diet and once he changed it, he felt a lot better. That helped him get over missing the carbs. I on the other hand have other medical issues where the macro nutrient deficiencies caused by cutting out all carbs causes me a lot of pain. We're able to balance this. I have fruit, sweet potato and oatmeal every other morning and still make a low carb dinner/lunch for us to enjoy.

So it is possible for you two to find common ground when it comes to food- but for that to happen both of you have to be patient and open. I understand that your diet works for you on a medical level so I'm not saying you should give it up- but you should make compromises and so he should. I would talk to him about it, share how important it is to you and ask him to give it a shot. Then, it's all about baby steps. I started out by giving my now husband a little thing off my plate every time we ate out. Then, I started making meals that were way outside of his comfort zone. If he didn't like it- he could make it own food. After a while, he stopped making his own meals. And I changed a lot of my meals to make them things that he enjoyed more.

lyndausvi

My mom has RA and is very obese.  She has knee, back and every other issue on top of the RA.   

I have convinced myself that if she ate better and lost weight a lot of her aliments would go away.  Not the RA, but a lot of the effects of the RA.   It's frustrating to watch her eat so bad. It's hard to see her in such pain.   I just know if she ate better and lost some weight she would feel better.

Reality is it's all speculations.  I don't know for sure, I just want her to at least try.  She is not willing and there is just nothing I can do about the situation.  

I get it, but we all know you can't control another adult.  As much as we want, we just can't.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note.  I find people who make radical changes in their life sometimes become obnoxious.  We all know the former smoker who is obnoxious around smokers.  The born again Christian who stuffs Jesus down our throats.  The alcoholic preaching the how horrible you are for having A glass of wine. The fat guy who now the fit buff guy only talks about working out.  The former meat eater now preaching vegan to us at every meal.

I have not doubt the changes those people had profound positive results FOR THEM.  Just because it works for you doesn't mean it will work for everyone.  Or that everyone wants the same changes.  There is a fine line between being supportive and sharing your success and being judgmental and obnoxious. 

bekt14

SBmini said:

I'm going to ignore the vitriol in this thread and focus on the original post-

OP I totally know where you are coming from. My husband was raised by a woman who would do anything to make him happy- including making him other meals if he didn't like the food she made. As a result he had a lot of very unhealthy habits and there were a lot of foods he wouldn't touch while I on the other hand love trying new things and eating healthy. When we met, bread and cheese were also his favorite foods. 

_________________

This is how my FI was raised as well. His mom treats him like a little baby. She complains that he's getting too skinny and says "you're obviously not getting any home cooked meals" as she looks at me. But that couldn't be further from the truth! I spend hours slaving over good meals like pot roast, gumbo, meatloaf, roasted turkeys, etc. but he only eats a few tiny bites and then pushes it away because it's not how his mom makes it and I add "weird stuff" like ONIONS to a POT ROAST!!! OMGGGG ONIONS!!! HOW CRAZY???? WHO WOULD DO THAT????

This is what I'm talking about! 

Why is this a cancer argument now? I'm not talking about cancer! There are so many other illnesses that ARE affected by diet and ARE cured by diet... I know that not all cancers (or eve most of them) are related to diet. Can we move on???

RebeccaFlower

bekt14 said:

SBmini said:

I'm going to ignore the vitriol in this thread and focus on the original post-

OP I totally know where you are coming from. My husband was raised by a woman who would do anything to make him happy- including making him other meals if he didn't like the food she made. As a result he had a lot of very unhealthy habits and there were a lot of foods he wouldn't touch while I on the other hand love trying new things and eating healthy. When we met, bread and cheese were also his favorite foods. 

_________________

This is how my FI was raised as well. His mom treats him like a little baby. She complains that he's getting too skinny and says "you're obviously not getting any home cooked meals" as she looks at me. But that couldn't be further from the truth! I spend hours slaving over good meals like pot roast, gumbo, meatloaf, roasted turkeys, etc. but he only eats a few tiny bites and then pushes it away because it's not how his mom makes it and I add "weird stuff" like ONIONS to a POT ROAST!!! OMGGGG ONIONS!!! HOW CRAZY???? WHO WOULD DO THAT????

This is what I'm talking about! 

Why is this a cancer argument now? I'm not talking about cancer! There are so many other illnesses that ARE affected by diet and ARE cured by diet... I know that not all cancers (or eve most of them) are related to diet. Can we move on???

I would fucking flip on my H if he did that to me. He would be on his own for meals. Like a recent thread, I am all for giving constructive criticism for meals, but 'because it's not made exactly like my moms' is totally bullshit. 

OP, I have a friend who was very picky and like PPs have said, it comes from the person wanting to make the change. I don't think you can nag someone into it. You do seem a bit on your high horse about his choices, so that might be turning him of to changing, too.  

Dignity100

I was raised in a 'meat and potatoes' family.  I never had Chinese food until I started working at an outlet mall when I was 18.  I never had an interest to try Chinese food until the girls at work were eating it and it smelled good, so I decided I wanted to try it.  Just so you know my background with this.  From my experience, it's easy to present the food so it is a choice and there's something safe and familiar about it... like grilled chicken (familiar) with corn (familiar) and then something not familiar.  If I don't like the unfamiliar options - there is enough on my plate that I'm still happy.

About a healthy diet - if somebody told me I had to stop eating cupcakes/cakes and I could live 5 additional years, I'd probably cut back but I wouldn't give it up.

As far as diet/lifestyle affecting health - I do believe in that.  Eating healthy can lower risks for heart disease and so forth.  Since cancer has been brought up; I do agree with 'don't feed the cancer' type of approach which does limit the amount of carbohydrates consumed; I see that it is an unpopular opinion here but when a serious illness is on the table some of us will take a 'radical' approach. 

With my FI and I, we do tend to eat the same but we like the same foods for the most part.

LadyMillil

bekt14 said:

SBmini said:

I'm going to ignore the vitriol in this thread and focus on the original post-

OP I totally know where you are coming from. My husband was raised by a woman who would do anything to make him happy- including making him other meals if he didn't like the food she made. As a result he had a lot of very unhealthy habits and there were a lot of foods he wouldn't touch while I on the other hand love trying new things and eating healthy. When we met, bread and cheese were also his favorite foods. 

_________________

This is how my FI was raised as well. His mom treats him like a little baby. She complains that he's getting too skinny and says "you're obviously not getting any home cooked meals" as she looks at me. But that couldn't be further from the truth! I spend hours slaving over good meals like pot roast, gumbo, meatloaf, roasted turkeys, etc. but he only eats a few tiny bites and then pushes it away because it's not how his mom makes it and I add "weird stuff" like ONIONS to a POT ROAST!!! OMGGGG ONIONS!!! HOW CRAZY???? WHO WOULD DO THAT????

This is what I'm talking about! 

Why is this a cancer argument now? I'm not talking about cancer! There are so many other illnesses that ARE affected by diet and ARE cured by diet... I know that not all cancers (or eve most of them) are related to diet. Can we move on???

Stuff like the bolded is easy to fix. I'm with your FI on the onions. Yuck. There are a lot of things my husband likes that I don't (mushrooms, onions, lots of seasonings). I cook the main meal without them, but either he or I will sauté some mushrooms or onions for his meal. I go light on the seasoning when cooking and he adds what he likes to his food. I'll cook chicken for myself or eat leftovers and cook fish for him. There were a couple things I cooked that he didn't like because it wasn't like his mom made it, so we asked his mom for her recipe and use it now - not a big deal to me. 

luckya23

I don't have much to add to the discussion as a picky eater myself, but I just wanted to say that I find it amusing how OP's signature gif underlines each reply! lol

pinkcow13

I started making us healthy meals because there was a point in which FI and I gained a lot of weight. When we were in college, we used to eat horribly. I'm talking we used to eat an entire extra large pepperoni pie in one sitting, Chinese the next night, burger king almost every day. Sometimes we would treat ourselves with McDonald's. Chicken wings, beer, fries, you name it. The only veggies we ate were the ones that came with our Chinese takeout lol. BUT, we also hada lot more energy, and way better metabolisms. So if I gained weight, I would cut back, run a few miles for 2 weeks, and lose like 10 pounds. Sigh. 

It was harder to for FI to start eating healthier, but he wanted to make a change as well. He is also not a very picky eater, so it is easier for us to compromise. I tend to try different diets such as Vegan, no carb, etc. I make all of our meals therefore what I do is the following: I tell FI what I want to try out. If he is willing to do it with me, then it makes it easy. He might complain when I make brussels sprouts with a side of broccoli, but he will eat it. FI loves his carbs, so I will compromise and make us steak with mashed cauliflower instead of potatoes. Or let him have his bread on the side. 

I think that  it's best to let him eat what he wants. He won't change his eating habits unless he wants to. At meal times you can both prepare and make your own meals, but eat them together.

 I will say though, that the crap about him not eating meals because it's not how his mom makes them would annoy the hell out of me and I just would not cook for him lol. 

lyndausvi

I hate onions.  They never enter my home.    I'm okay with a little onion powder though. Chunks of onion gross me out.

If DH made me pot roast with onions knowing I hate onions I wouldn't eat the meal either. I would just make my own dinner.    You can easily cook a pot roast without onions and your husband would eat the meal.   Then saute onions for yourself on the side.   

Jells2dot0

bekt14 said:

SBmini said:

I'm going to ignore the vitriol in this thread and focus on the original post-

OP I totally know where you are coming from. My husband was raised by a woman who would do anything to make him happy- including making him other meals if he didn't like the food she made. As a result he had a lot of very unhealthy habits and there were a lot of foods he wouldn't touch while I on the other hand love trying new things and eating healthy. When we met, bread and cheese were also his favorite foods. 

_________________

This is how my FI was raised as well. His mom treats him like a little baby. She complains that he's getting too skinny and says "you're obviously not getting any home cooked meals" as she looks at me. But that couldn't be further from the truth! I spend hours slaving over good meals like pot roast, gumbo, meatloaf, roasted turkeys, etc. but he only eats a few tiny bites and then pushes it away because it's not how his mom makes it and I add "weird stuff" like ONIONS to a POT ROAST!!! OMGGGG ONIONS!!! HOW CRAZY???? WHO WOULD DO THAT????

This is what I'm talking about! 

Why is this a cancer argument now? I'm not talking about cancer! There are so many other illnesses that ARE affected by diet and ARE cured by diet... I know that not all cancers (or eve most of them) are related to diet. Can we move on???

If a person doesn't like something because it's not how mom made it, then that is silly. But, if someone tried to add ingredients I don't like to a meal, I'd probably flip. As a super taster and as a person with true special dietary needs, onions are death. I will most likely get nauseous and perhaps vomit. I cannot control it. This is true for other foods as well.

Just saying that not everyone is spoiled and wants it their way. Some picky eaters have true medical issues.

lyndausvi

I'm going to admit I do not jump on the "not how mom makes is BS" bandwagon. 

 Just because I'm married to you doesn't mean I can't prefer the way my mom prepares a meal over the way you prefer to prepare the meal.  And if you put in an ingredient I hate, I'm not going to eat the dish.  Sorry.

Then again DH and I respect each other's different tastes.  We do not believe that just because I cook it you have to eat or like it.   We respectfully create meals together.   

The plan tonight is that DH having shrimp stir-fry. I do not like shrimp and will have chicken instead.   In one pan will be the veggies and rice.  Another one will have my chicken, a 3rd will have his shrimp.   He hates broccoli and I have some that needs to be used up, so I will cook the broccoli in a separate pot and add it to my dish.   I do not like hot spice, he does.  So he will add hot spice to his dish.  

We cook of this in under 30 minutes.   It's not all that hard for both of us to get what we want.

bekt14

lyndausvi said:

I'm going to admit I do not jump on the "not how mom makes is BS" bandwagon. 

 Just because I'm married to you doesn't mean I can't prefer the way my mom prepares a meal over the way you prefer to prepare the meal.  And if you put in an ingredient I hate, I'm not going to eat the dish.  Sorry.

Then again DH and I respect each other's different tastes.  We do not believe that just because I cook it you have to eat or like it.   We respectfully create meals together.   

The plan tonight is that DH having shrimp stir-fry. I do not like shrimp and will have chicken instead.   In one pan will be the veggies and rice.  Another one will have my chicken, a 3rd will have his shrimp.   He hates broccoli and I have some that needs to be used up, so I will cook the broccoli in a separate pot and add it to my dish.   I do not like hot spice, he does.  So he will add hot spice to his dish.  

We cook of this in under 30 minutes.   It's not all that hard for both of us to get what we want.

We need to learn how to do this. Last night he made tacos and I made tilapia. However, FI doesn't know how to cook, so I ended up making the tacos for him. Then while he ate, I made my dinner. So, we ended up eating separately. 

bethsmiles

lyndausvi said:

I'm going to admit I do not jump on the "not how mom makes is BS" bandwagon. 

 Just because I'm married to you doesn't mean I can't prefer the way my mom prepares a meal over the way you prefer to prepare the meal.  And if you put in an ingredient I hate, I'm not going to eat the dish.  Sorry.

Then again DH and I respect each other's different tastes.  We do not believe that just because I cook it you have to eat or like it.   We respectfully create meals together.   

The plan tonight is that DH having shrimp stir-fry. I do not like shrimp and will have chicken instead.   In one pan will be the veggies and rice.  Another one will have my chicken, a 3rd will have his shrimp.   He hates broccoli and I have some that needs to be used up, so I will cook the broccoli in a separate pot and add it to my dish.   I do not like hot spice, he does.  So he will add hot spice to his dish.  

We cook of this in under 30 minutes.   It's not all that hard for both of us to get what we want.

This sounds pretty much exactly how mine and SO's dinners go. We cook together and eat together but that doesn't mean we have to eat exactly the same thing. I'm the picker eater in our relationship but I've become a lot more adventurous thanks to SO but I'm also not a super taster so it's definitely easier for me to branch out and try new things then it is for some people.

JennyColada

I understand your frustration with your current situation. You're worried about his health (no matter how much misinformation that may be based on) and you are feeling a disconnect in your two lives from not being able to share this activity together (cooking/eating).

I really think you need to discuss this with him. Does he want to learn to cook? Is he interested in sharing meals with you? Does he place the same value on shared meals? There have been some great cooking/recipe suggestions here, but really you two need to figure out how you want to work our this scenario. Personally, I also enjoy eating meals with Fi. I get kind of hurt when I have to eat alone (because I make something he doesn't like so he eats elsewhere or he are something earlier and isn't hungry for dinner). In his eyes, he wants me to eat what I want to eat. That's great and all, but I head to explain that it makes menu happier to eat a meal that I'm so-so about that he can enjoy with me than to eat something that I really like which will involve me not sharing the experience with him.

While this isn't exactly the same situation, we had to come to our own conclusion base do communication of our wants and needs.

penguin44

bekt14 said:

lyndausvi said:

I'm going to admit I do not jump on the "not how mom makes is BS" bandwagon. 

 Just because I'm married to you doesn't mean I can't prefer the way my mom prepares a meal over the way you prefer to prepare the meal.  And if you put in an ingredient I hate, I'm not going to eat the dish.  Sorry.

Then again DH and I respect each other's different tastes.  We do not believe that just because I cook it you have to eat or like it.   We respectfully create meals together.   

The plan tonight is that DH having shrimp stir-fry. I do not like shrimp and will have chicken instead.   In one pan will be the veggies and rice.  Another one will have my chicken, a 3rd will have his shrimp.   He hates broccoli and I have some that needs to be used up, so I will cook the broccoli in a separate pot and add it to my dish.   I do not like hot spice, he does.  So he will add hot spice to his dish.  

We cook of this in under 30 minutes.   It's not all that hard for both of us to get what we want.

We need to learn how to do this. Last night he made tacos and I made tilapia. However, FI doesn't know how to cook, so I ended up making the tacos for him. Then while he ate, I made my dinner. So, we ended up eating separately. 

If DH doesn't like what I'm cooking, he is responsible for making his own dinner. Sometimes he will just have a sandwich for dinner. Neither one of us are particularly picky or follow a special diet. He just doesn't prefer some things I like. He also likes to have some sort of meat in his dinner. I sometimes just want veggies.

My dad hates onions. My mom loves onions. She will eat raw onion sandwiches. Just an onion and bread. My parents have been married for over 20 years. My mom has never put onions in a dish. They always sub onion powder. Or she will put half of an onion in something to flavor it and take it out before she serves it. It has never been an issue.

There's a difference between eating healthier and making someone eat things they don't like.

beethery

bekt14 said:

lyndausvi said:

I'm going to admit I do not jump on the "not how mom makes is BS" bandwagon. 

 Just because I'm married to you doesn't mean I can't prefer the way my mom prepares a meal over the way you prefer to prepare the meal.  And if you put in an ingredient I hate, I'm not going to eat the dish.  Sorry.

Then again DH and I respect each other's different tastes.  We do not believe that just because I cook it you have to eat or like it.   We respectfully create meals together.   

The plan tonight is that DH having shrimp stir-fry. I do not like shrimp and will have chicken instead.   In one pan will be the veggies and rice.  Another one will have my chicken, a 3rd will have his shrimp.   He hates broccoli and I have some that needs to be used up, so I will cook the broccoli in a separate pot and add it to my dish.   I do not like hot spice, he does.  So he will add hot spice to his dish.  

We cook of this in under 30 minutes.   It's not all that hard for both of us to get what we want.

We need to learn how to do this. Last night he made tacos and I made tilapia. However, FI doesn't know how to cook, so I ended up making the tacos for him. Then while he ate, I made my dinner. So, we ended up eating separately. 

This happens at my house all the time. It's not a big deal. I'll either start making my dinner while FI is on his way home from work and eat my dinner while cooking his, and he hangs out in the kitchen while I'm cooking. Or, I make his dinner, and cook mine while he's having his. Once again, he'll hang out in the kitchen eating or whatever while I cook so we can catch up on our days.

He will eat whatever vegetables I put in front of him, the fun part is that I truly do not like most vegetables. He's picky about different cuisines, and most desserts. Sometimes, if I'm sick he'll wake me up with a grilled cheese, or order pizza for us. He's gone all the way to chick-fil-a, (without me suggesting it, asking, or saying anything) to get me a sandwich when I had been quarantined to the house, and then he made hot dogs for himself.

Sometimes you eat different food from what your FI is eating. That should not be a big deal. Hell, when I lived at home and I asked my mom what was for dinner, she'd say, "Well daddy and I are having onion sandwiches (they didn't actually eat those, that's just want my mind conjures when I think of gross things), and you're going to have cereal or a sandwich."

Just put the idea into your future hypothetical kids' head that everybody doesn't have to like all the same shit, and that when they're adults, if they don't want to eat healthily, that's their decision to make.

lyndausvi

He needs to learn to cook.

In our case I do not know how to cook that well.   Most nights I eat alone anyway (cooking my own food, the way I like it.)  The 1-2 times a week we eat together he does most of the cooking.  Being a chef he has the timing down.    

 What works is having some common ingredients. How do you make his tacos?  Can you use any of the same ingredients?  Make a tilipia taco for yourself instead of beer beef or chicken?  DH makes beef for him and chicken for me.  We share the rest of the ingredients.   You can just skip the taco if you want.  Or add a side of sauteed onions and peppers for yourself.

He likes pizza.  There are great gluten-free pizza crust. Make your own.   While it's baking you can easily cook up some fish and veggies and it can be done at the same time.

Next time you make pot roast, don't put in the onions.  Then saute some up for yourself later.

It's pretty effortless for us.   I do have the added advantage of him being a chef.   Special orders are his life.  They are just not a big deal to us.

ETA - Beer tacos !!  Wouldn't that be great.  I meant beef

bekt14

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

lurkergirl

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

That's...pretty fucked up. 

I am so glad that my parents' rule was to stop eating once you were full.

beethery

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

My grandparents did this when they lived with us. I loathe peas, I have all my life. They're fucking gross. Grandma made pea soup. I sat there all night, and then grandpa told me I needed to eat the soup for breakfast before I went to school and I was only excused to shower and go to the bathroom.

I also had to sit there until my mom got home from OT at 10pm one night because as an 8 year old I couldn't finish an entire cornish hen. I finally got to finish my homework and go to bed.

Just because your parents did that to you does not mean it's going to work for everybody, or that everyone should respect that kind of shit when they really do not like certain things. Everybody does not have to like all the same kinds of food or suffer through eating something they hate just because it might hurt your feelings.

lyndausvi

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

did it occur to your that how your parents did thing was wrong and not MIL?

What  your parents did is f'up.  But MIL might have gone the other extreme by always being overly accommodating.    

My parents made us take a small amount of everything that was on the table and eat everything on the plate.   We controlled the amount though.  So it was our choice on how much went on the plate.   If you grabbed it you had to eat it.  Fair enough.   You could always go back for seconds. 

wandajune6

FI and FSS are picky eaters but mainly because FI grew up in a home with very few veggies. I grew up eating few processed foods and minimal meat. I do the majority of our cooking because leaving the cooking to FI means eating badly. It's frustrating but I'd rather do more work and modify recipes so we can all agree. Because we have a teen in the house, we have a rule that you can't eat the "fun" foods (i.e. meat or anything unhealthy) unless you eat veggies with it. Neither of the boys loves the rule but FI is trying to be a better example with food.

If there are specific foods that cause problems, I leave them out. FI hates celery so I don't use it. FSS loathes mushrooms (but FI and I love them) so I keep them on the side. I keep this within reason- FSS complains about most veggies so I only leave out those things he hates the most.

I'll warn you on a mistake I made: early on, I hid veggies into meals. My dad grew up adding eggplant to chili as a meat extender. It's cheap, healthy, and blends into ground beef- and I end up doing it with a lot of recipes that call for ground beef. It's the same way that frozen chopped spinach ends up in tons of recipes- it blends in. I didn't think of it as hiding veggies, just as something I've always done. Now, FSS wants me to hide veggies in every meal so he can eat the "fun" foods without getting stuck eating veggies. He's 15 years old, not 15 months old!

I unintentionally created a monster.