Our only issue... Long- sorry

chibiyui

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

That is ridiculously fucked up. I mean, depriving your kid of sleep is fucking child abuse.

I can't.

JennyColada

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

That seems the a horrible way to encourage responsibility. So homework, chores, a good nigh rest, studying are not important. It's the last single pea that counts!

Priorities man.

kat1114

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

I can definitely relate to that. My parents weren't that forceful, but I did have to at least try things before I could leave the table. And I certainly didn't get a special meal made for me if I didn't like what we were having.

I think that is the thing that drives me craziest about FI- he won't try a lot of things because as a kid, he didn't have to because his mom would just make him something else. So even though my parents weren't as harsh as yours, I get where you're coming from. As someone who has always been an adventurous eater, it is so hard for me to understand not even trying a bite of something.

I sometimes still get offended/hurt when I make something and FI won't even try it. But as he has reminded me, it's not a personal attack on me. If you can work on not taking it personal when FI rejects your food, I think it would help a lot. I know it's helped me.

penguin44

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

Wow.

lyndausvi

wandajune6 said:

FI and FSS are picky eaters but mainly because FI grew up in a home with very few veggies. I grew up eating few processed foods and minimal meat. I do the majority of our cooking because leaving the cooking to FI means eating badly. It's frustrating but I'd rather do more work and modify recipes so we can all agree. Because we have a teen in the house, we have a rule that you can't eat the "fun" foods (i.e. meat or anything unhealthy) unless you eat veggies with it. Neither of the boys loves the rule but FI is trying to be a better example with food.

If there are specific foods that cause problems, I leave them out. FI hates celery so I don't use it. FSS loathes mushrooms (but FI and I love them) so I keep them on the side. I keep this within reason- FSS complains about most veggies so I only leave out those things he hates the most.

I'll warn you on a mistake I made: early on, I hid veggies into meals. My dad grew up adding eggplant to chili as a meat extender. It's cheap, healthy, and blends into ground beef- and I end up doing it with a lot of recipes that call for ground beef. It's the same way that frozen chopped spinach ends up in tons of recipes- it blends in. I didn't think of it as hiding veggies, just as something I've always done. Now, FSS wants me to hide veggies in every meal so he can eat the "fun" foods without getting stuck eating veggies. He's 15 years old, not 15 months old!

I unintentionally created a monster.

That is my self imposed rule.  If eat the "good" stuff first I always seem to be full by the time I got to the veggies.   Umm, funny how that happens.    

Now I always start with veggies.   I get them over with then move on to the "good" stuff.  Funny how I always seem to have room for the "good" stuff.

ashley8918

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

UM. This is so beyond screwed up. I'd even venture to call it abuse. I mean, I understand not pandering to children, but this is WAY extreme.

littlemushroom

@ashley8918 That's not treating him like a child.  I didn't tell her to hide veggies in his food, make him eat the exact same thing as her, clean his plate or he can't leave the table or anything like that.  I gave reasonable suggestions on how to get a picky eater to want to try something new.

Restaurants that serve "out there" items like ostrich, elk, etc don't just have an ostrich steak on the menu.  They make a burger out of it, or a sausage, or tacos, or some other really familiar presentation because average people are more likely to try something like that than just a giant hunk of meat they have never tried.  That's not treating people like children.  It is presenting new food in a familiar way so it is not as intimidating to try.  

Same goes for making small changes to familiar dishes to make them healthier.  That is how most people start working towards a healthier lifestyle.  Swap 70/30 ground beef for 90/10, use 2% cheese instead of whole, skinless chicken instead of skin on, etc.  Each person decides what alternatives are worthwhile to them, but those small changes can make a big impact on health without changing the flavor of a meal in an appreciable way.

It is also very logical to try different preparations of the same food if the issue boils down to that.  I hate cooked salmon, but raw salmon sushi is my favorite.  I don't like lobster, but I love crab.  Calamari is awesome, but octopus is not.  I love tuna salad, but I hate cooked tuna steak.  I don't like fresh green beans when they are still crunchy after they are cooked, but I love them when they are cooked a bit longer and are soft.  Kale chips are delicious, sauteed kale is not.  My sister loves raw onion, but hates cooked onion.  Every person can come up with examples of things that they don't like specifically because of the preparation.  T

Taste buds change all the time.  That is why we like some things as adults that we didn't like as kids. He has to be the one to decide to try new things or eat more healthy, but he has ZERO reason to come to that decision if he doesn't see anything new that would be worth trying.  This isn't about making him eat foods he truly doesn't like.  This is about opening up options to things that he may like, he just hasn't tried, or had never considered.

lyndausvi

@NikkiJay3333  - I agree with you. 

I loathe raw onions.  But I can deal with light onion powder. Raw onions forget about it.

I will never order a lobster tail.  However, DH makes a great lobster won-ton I like.  It's mental, but looking at the tail makes me gag. 

I like raw carrots, but not cooked.   I just don't like kale.   Spinach I use to only like raw, now sauteed isn't too bad. I do not order it myself, but if it's on a dish presented to me I will eat it.  Other veggies I prefer lightly steamed.      

Some people prefer julienne cut veggies over just sliced.   Raw over cooked. 

Preparation absolutely effects how someone likes a certain food item.   My mom's idea of veggies was to boil frozen veggies for 30 minutes.  Yummy, NOT.   

 It took me YEARS to figure out that veggies can be good if cooked right.   Still I'm in my 40's and not a big fan though.  My mind still reverts back to the days of thinking of  veggies as overcooked mushy gross food.

bekt14

kat1114 Sounds like we have a lot in common. 

Because of how I was brought up, if FI refused to eat the dinner I made for him, I can't help but take it as a huge insult. It feels like he is disrespecting me and does not appreciate what I do for him. 

beethery

double-posted and added to below.

beethery

beethery said:

bekt14 said:

kat1114 Sounds like we have a lot in common. 

Because of how I was brought up, if FI refused to eat the dinner I made for him, I can't help but take it as a huge insult. It feels like he is disrespecting me and does not appreciate what I do for him. 

This is your problem. Not his. That is something YOU need to get over.

ETA: I can't get over how fucked this is. Everyone doesn't have to like your cooking and it's not intended as an insult when someone doesn't want to eat something because of taste preferences. This is so fucked up.

ashley8918

bekt14kat1114 Sounds like we have a lot in common. 
Because of how I was brought up, if FI refused to eat the dinner I made for him, I can't help but take it as a huge insult. It feels like he is disrespecting me and does not appreciate what I do for him.  __________________________________________________________________

Did you ever think that maybe he feels disrespected by your refusal to accept his food likes and dislikes? If someone tried to force me to eat shit that I made clear I did not like, I would feel pretty damn disrespected.

ETS boxes... or not

lyndausvi

bekt14 said:

kat1114 Sounds like we have a lot in common. 

Because of how I was brought up, if FI refused to eat the dinner I made for him, I can't help but take it as a huge insult. It feels like he is disrespecting me and does not appreciate what I do for him. 

I get how you feel that way.

On the flip side he is feeling disrespected by you cooking thing you know he will hate.  Would your really be happy if he made you eat meals heavy in carbs and deli meats all the time?  

This is fixable, you just have to BOTH learn how to compromise. If that means you will not cook for him and he has to fend for himself, then that is what you have to do.  If that means you might have to modify recipes for him to eat a certain dish, then that what needs to be done. 

ashley8918

lyndausvi said:

bekt14 said:

kat1114 Sounds like we have a lot in common. 

Because of how I was brought up, if FI refused to eat the dinner I made for him, I can't help but take it as a huge insult. It feels like he is disrespecting me and does not appreciate what I do for him. 

I get how you feel that way.

On the flip side he is feeling disrespected by you cooking thing you know he will hate.  Would your really be happy if he made you eat meals heavy in carbs and deli meats all the time?  

This is fixable, you just have to BOTH learn how to compromise. If that means you will not cook for him and he has to fend for himself, then that is what you have to do.  If that means you might have to modify recipes for him to eat a certain dish, then that what needs to be done. 

Great minds

bekt14

Yes I get that. I'm used to being forced to eat stuff whether I liked it or not. So, to me it's not a big deal. It's like cleaning the bathroom. No body likes to clean the bathroom, but you have to. Not everybody likes to eat green stuff, but your body needs the nutrients. However, I can see that other people did not grow up like that and it is a big deal. 

beethery

bekt14 said:

Yes I get that. I'm used to being forced to eat stuff whether I liked it or not. So, to me it's not a big deal. It's like cleaning the bathroom. No body likes to clean the bathroom, but you have to. Not everybody likes to eat green stuff, but your body needs the nutrients. However, I can see that other people did not grow up like that and it is a big deal. 

And he is not required to enjoy or eat the things you cook when they center around ingredients he doesn't like.

slothiegal

beethery said:

beethery said:

bekt14 said:

kat1114 Sounds like we have a lot in common. 

Because of how I was brought up, if FI refused to eat the dinner I made for him, I can't help but take it as a huge insult. It feels like he is disrespecting me and does not appreciate what I do for him. 

This is your problem. Not his. That is something YOU need to get over.

ETA: I can't get over how fucked this is. Everyone doesn't have to like your cooking and it's not intended as an insult when someone doesn't want to eat something because of taste preferences. This is so fucked up.

Right?  There's so many different levels of fuckery in this thread.  I can't.  Excuse me while I focus on something that makes more sense, such as this:

KatieinBkln

bekt14 said:

kat1114 Sounds like we have a lot in common. 

Because of how I was brought up, if FI refused to eat the dinner I made for him, I can't help but take it as a huge insult. It feels like he is disrespecting me and does not appreciate what I do for him. 

I mean...homeboy needs to learn to cook his own food, then. You don't have to pander to his picky ways, and he doesn't have to jump on your kale-and-quinoa bandwagon (for the record, I fucking love kale and quinoa, and have an ex-BIL who refused to eat vegetables and the motherfucker drove me CRAZY. Like, picking tiny onions out of food my mom would make and pushing them to the side. Bro, you're a guest in a house, and you're not allergic to something? Eat it or don't eat it, but don't push it to the side like a child. Put it in your mouth and chew, or don't put it on your plate. Ugh). 

He can fend for himself when you make something "icky," but you can also try to meet him halfway sometimes. If it's easy for you to make X Dish He Likes alongside whatever you're making, that's not asking a lot for you to do so. If you can find recipes that are healthy enough for you but incorporate flavors he likes, then that's a win-win also. But don't drive yourself crazy pandering to his needs, and don't set yourself up for failure by serving him something he hates and then seeing it rejected.

As for the kids? "Daddy is a grown-up and can eat what he wants. When you're a grown up, you can, too. But for now you have to eat one bite of the salad." (The one bite rule was my family's thing--it forced us to try new things, but never devolved to the kind of abusive and backfiring "sit here till your plate is clean!" nonsense that frankly, has really fucked you up).

gladyscf

bekt14 said:

Yes I get that. I'm used to being forced to eat stuff whether I liked it or not. So, to me it's not a big deal. It's like cleaning the bathroom. No body likes to clean the bathroom, but you have to. Not everybody likes to eat green stuff, but your body needs the nutrients. However, I can see that other people did not grow up like that and it is a big deal. 

Sure, you're body needs the nutrients, but you CAN get them from other sources.

As a child, I wouldn't eat meat. My mom took me to numerous doctors and finally just accepted that I couldn't deal with the texture of meat. They each told her to make sure I ate other foods high in protein and I'd be fine. 

As I grew up, I learned to like meats. Most probably aren't my first choice but I'll eat them and enjoy them if cooked properly. 

The two of you need to figure out how to go from the extremes that you grew up with to meet in the middle with this. 

It's not the end of the world if you aren't a member of the Clean Plate Club.

abbyj700

You can't force an adult to eat something they don't like.

I've been a vegetarian for 14 years. If my FI just decided to continue to make foods with meat in them despite my preferences and life style - I would feel deeply hurt and disrespected. Why force food on him that he doesn't like?

And my parents had the same message that you eat what you take - but not quite as harshly as yours did. 

I will admit that if people just don't like my food, I don't love it. BUT I don't cook beans for FI (which he hates) and then be a whiny bitch because "ohhh nooo he hates my cooking."

jdluvr06

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

I seriously read this post and forget everything else I was going to say about this thread. That is bordering on child abuse. The whole clean your plate thing is not only ridiculous but could be detrimental to a child. Teaching a kid to eat everything in front of them even if they are full can lead to over eating later.

ashley8918

jdluvr06 said:

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

I seriously read this post and forget everything else I was going to say about this thread. That is bordering on child abuse. The whole clean your plate thing is not only ridiculous but could be detrimental to a child. Teaching a kid to eat everything in front of them even if they are full can lead to over eating later.

QFT.

I seriously cannot get over how fucked up this is.

OP, if this is the way that you were brought up, you were abused as a child. I understand that overcoming abuse is so hard, but you absolutely cannot project that onto your FI. 

smalfrie19

jdluvr06 said:

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

I seriously read this post and forget everything else I was going to say about this thread. That is bordering on child abuse. The whole clean your plate thing is not only ridiculous but could be detrimental to a child. Teaching a kid to eat everything in front of them even if they are full can lead to over eating later.

I truly believe that forcing kids to eat everything on their plate has played a part in the obesity of this country. 

ashley8918

smalfrie19 said:

jdluvr06 said:

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

I seriously read this post and forget everything else I was going to say about this thread. That is bordering on child abuse. The whole clean your plate thing is not only ridiculous but could be detrimental to a child. Teaching a kid to eat everything in front of them even if they are full can lead to over eating later.

I truly believe that forcing kids to eat everything on their plate has played a part in the obesity of this country. 

100% Agreed.

JennyColada

jdluvr06 said:

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

I seriously read this post and forget everything else I was going to say about this thread. That is bordering on child abuse. The whole clean your plate thing is not only ridiculous but could be detrimental to a child. Teaching a kid to eat everything in front of them even if they are full can lead to over eating later.

Oh this made me think of one of my ex's. I basically had to teach him how to go out to eat because this way of thinking was so engrained into him that he would try to clear his plate (and mine, since I'm a chronic left-over-er) when we went out to it. It got to the point where he'd be physically ill and have to empty the contents of his over-full stomach in the restroom. It was really...well...scary.

ashley8918

JennyColada said:

jdluvr06 said:

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

I seriously read this post and forget everything else I was going to say about this thread. That is bordering on child abuse. The whole clean your plate thing is not only ridiculous but could be detrimental to a child. Teaching a kid to eat everything in front of them even if they are full can lead to over eating later.

Oh this made me think of one of my ex's. I basically had to teach him how to go out to eat because this way of thinking was so engrained into him that he would try to clear his plate (and mine, since I'm a chronic left-over-er) when we went out to it. It got to the point where he'd be physically ill and have to empty the contents of his over-full stomach in the restroom. It was really...well...scary.

Oh my god, that is so sad. I hope he was able to overcome that behavior caused by his childhood trauma. Did he ever go to therapy?

OP - THIS is just one of the many reasons that what you are describing is horrible.

hellosweetie1015

If my parents had a rule like yours did, I would have literally starved to death. As a child, I ate oatmeal, Cheerios, PB&J sandwiches, biscuits & gravy or syrup, cheese quesadillas from Taco Bell, McD's chicken nuggets, potato cakes from Arby's, spaghetti noodles with butter, and fried okra. What if your kid eats like I did? What kind of lesson do you think your parents taught you through that? Is it a lesson you want your children learning? 

The lesson I learned was that I didn't have to try things; if I said I didn't want it I got oatmeal or cheerios. I won't be teaching that lesson to my kids, because it's not a lesson I want them learning. Our rule will be that they have to take a bite, and if they don't like it, then they don't have to eat it. 

What your parents had you doing as a child was not appropriate. Not in any situation, not ever. 

People have different tastes. If your FI's don't match up with yours, then every so often he's going to eat something you didn't cook for him. Find a middle ground. Neither one of you have to give up the things you like. You just have to compromise, or either don't worry about it.

JennyColada

ashley8918 said:

JennyColada said:

jdluvr06 said:

bekt14 said:

I guess one reason why this is so hard for me is also how I was brought up as a child. Our parents would not let us leave the table until every crumb was eaten. We would literally sit at the table (the entire family) for hours- even until midnight until each of us had finished everything my mom cooked. It was extremely disrespectful and unacceptable to refuse to eat anything. Taste preference was irrelevant. It didn't matter if you liked it or not- you had to eat it or you would sit at the table all night and not get any sleep. 

I seriously read this post and forget everything else I was going to say about this thread. That is bordering on child abuse. The whole clean your plate thing is not only ridiculous but could be detrimental to a child. Teaching a kid to eat everything in front of them even if they are full can lead to over eating later.

Oh this made me think of one of my ex's. I basically had to teach him how to go out to eat because this way of thinking was so engrained into him that he would try to clear his plate (and mine, since I'm a chronic left-over-er) when we went out to it. It got to the point where he'd be physically ill and have to empty the contents of his over-full stomach in the restroom. It was really...well...scary.

Oh my god, that is so sad. I hope he was able to overcome that behavior caused by his childhood trauma. Did he ever go to therapy?

OP - THIS is just one of the many reasons that what you are describing is horrible.

He probably should go to therapy for more reasons than just that (hence him being the ex).

We did have quite a few conversations about it, and really we just ended up with trying to be more conscious of what we order (but I also promised him that I'd eat leftovers, so being able to do doggy-bags help him too). But we fought a LOT about food and diet as well, and a lot of it did involve him trying to change me and my eating habits/diet (well, most of his personality was in trying to change me...but that's another story I suppose).

I have no idea if he still battles with it mentally/emotionally, and I'd imagine so. He wasn't a person very good at improving his mental health, so I'd imagine that he's going through similar issues with various partners.

LadyMillil

CaitTDid23 said:

If my parents had a rule like yours did, I would have literally starved to death. As a child, I ate oatmeal, Cheerios, PB&J sandwiches, biscuits & gravy or syrup, cheese quesadillas from Taco Bell, McD's chicken nuggets, potato cakes from Arby's, spaghetti noodles with butter, and fried okra. What if your kid eats like I did? What kind of lesson do you think your parents taught you through that? Is it a lesson you want your children learning? 

The lesson I learned was that I didn't have to try things; if I said I didn't want it I got oatmeal or cheerios. I won't be teaching that lesson to my kids, because it's not a lesson I want them learning. Our rule will be that they have to take a bite, and if they don't like it, then they don't have to eat it. 

What your parents had you doing as a child was not appropriate. Not in any situation, not ever. 

People have different tastes. If your FI's don't match up with yours, then every so often he's going to eat something you didn't cook for him. Find a middle ground. Neither one of you have to give up the things you like. You just have to compromise, or either don't worry about it.

I used to work at a summer camp. We had the you have to try a bite of everything rule. We still had kids refuse to try things, so the add on rule was that you had to try a bite of everything or you didn't get dessert, which worked on every kid but one. 

bekt14

My parents were not abusive. I'm not obese, nor is anyone else in my family. They wanted to teach us responsibility and humility and gratitude. Sometimes we have to do things we don't like. It can be uncomfortable, unplesant, not fun, but we still have to do them. Whether it's cleaning the toilet, going to the gym, eating broccoli, or sharing your barbies with your sister- I don't see the difference. If we were all allowed to refuse doing things we don't like- we would lose civilization.