I Messed Up Big Time...this could be the end.

steph861

Sammyantha13 said:

I appreciate all of your insights and concerns.  I guess I will have to wait until he gets home to see if he wants to talk about this tonight.  

You all make very good points, but I can't help but worry if I've been totally unbiased in how I've presented this.  I feel like I have, apart from leaving out some things that aren't pertinent information.

One thing I thought of--don't all of your men view porn as well?  I mean the vast majority do.  So I don't see how I can demand that FI stop.  Like I said, I don't know that what was going on with him could be considered an addiction.  To me, an addiction in this manner means using it multiple times a day, or some frequency like that.  He told me that the most he ever looked at it was every other day, or multiple times a week. (Which a lot of guys do.)  Since then he has cut back to maybe a couple times a month.  But when he was doing it more frequently, he used it as his main stress reliever (also which most guys do), but I think what made it an addiction to him is that he felt he couldn't choose not to use as a stress reliever.  He couldn't choose to play video games to relieve stress over looking at porn.  So I think in that way he felt helpless to it, and that is what he has fixed.  

@LondonLisa, that was a very powerful way of looking at it.  I want to share that with FI but I'm not sure how.  

It makes me mad that this is all crashing down because of what I did last night.  Like if that hadn't happened then this wouldn't even be discussed right now.  

1st bolded: To be honest, I don't actually know. If he is, it's not interfering with our relationship.

2nd bolded: Based on what you've presented in your posts, there are other issues in your relationship besides what happened last night. I'm of the opinion that a come-to-Jesus moment was inevitable. It may not have been discussed at this point in time if not for last night, but I think it would have come up again in the future no matter what.

esstee33

 

flyingfoxes

I think the problem stems from him choosing porn over you.  My FI only watched it when he wasn't in a relationship, or when we watch it together.  I've got no problems with porn, there's certain things that I won't watch or aren't in to, but he's not really into those either.  I find it exciting to watch together, and he was genuinely floored when he came home from work once and found that I'd bought a porn video for us to watch together. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Sammyantha13 said:

I appreciate all of your insights and concerns.  I guess I will have to wait until he gets home to see if he wants to talk about this tonight.  Agree with PP who said if you want to talk about it, it should get talked about. And this needs to be talked about.

You all make very good points, but I can't help but worry if I've been totally unbiased in how I've presented this.  I feel like I have, apart from leaving out some things that aren't pertinent information.

One thing I thought of--don't all of your men view porn as well?  Nope. Mine thinks it's gross. I mean the vast majority do.  So I don't see how I can demand that FI stop.  You shouldn't have to demand that he stops doing something that makes you so legitimately uncomfortable. Like I said, I don't know that what was going on with him could be considered an addiction.  To me, an addiction in this manner means using it multiple times a day, or some frequency like that.  That's a habit, not an addiction. Addictions are fueled by chemical impulses. He told me that the most he ever looked at it was every other day, or multiple times a week. (Which a lot of guys do.) The thing he chose to do that most guys/good partners don't is lie to you about it. Since then he has cut back to maybe a couple times a month.  But when he was doing it more frequently, he used it as his main stress reliever (also which most guys do), but I think what made it an addiction to him is that he felt he couldn't choose not to use as a stress reliever. Nope, there's always a choice. It's a harder choice to make, but addicts are ultimately responsible for their actions.  He couldn't choose to play video games to relieve stress over looking at porn.  So I think in that way he felt helpless to it, and that is what he has fixed.  

@LondonLisa, that was a very powerful way of looking at it.  I want to share that with FI but I'm not sure how.  

It makes me mad that this is all crashing down because of what I did last night.  Like if that hadn't happened then this wouldn't even be discussed right now.  It may not be up for discussion today, but it would be at some point. Your trust issues would still be there.

l9i

Sammyantha13 said:

I appreciate all of your insights and concerns.  I guess I will have to wait until he gets home to see if he wants to talk about this tonight.  

You all make very good points, but I can't help but worry if I've been totally unbiased in how I've presented this.  I feel like I have, apart from leaving out some things that aren't pertinent information.

One thing I thought of--don't all of your men view porn as well?  Nope.  I legit asked before too out of curiosity.  The response I get is it's so fake and I have you, so why?  I mean the vast majority do.  So I don't see how I can demand that FI stop.  The analogy of if everyone jumped off a bridge would you too applies here.  A relationship is give and take.  If you don't like it that needs to be taken into consideration.  You seem to be doing a lot of giving and not getting much (if anything) in return.  Like I said, I don't know that what was going on with him could be considered an addiction.  To me, an addiction in this manner means using it multiple times a day, or some frequency like that.  He told me that the most he ever looked at it was every other day, or multiple times a week. (Which a lot of guys do.)  Says who - him?? Since then he has cut back to maybe a couple times a month.  But when he was doing it more frequently, he used it as his main stress reliever (also which most guys do), but I think what made it an addiction to him is that he felt he couldn't choose not to use as a stress reliever.  He couldn't choose to play video games to relieve stress over looking at porn.  So I think in that way he felt helpless to it, and that is what he has fixed.  

@LondonLisa, that was a very powerful way of looking at it.  I want to share that with FI but I'm not sure how.  

It makes me mad that this is all crashing down because of what I did last night.  Like if that hadn't happened then this wouldn't even be discussed right now.  

A personally think your view of a healthy relationship is skewed....  This is NOT ok.  You've been given great advice and I wish you could see this as a problem from HIS past behavior, not YOU!

bethsmiles

Yes, my SO looks at porn (I do too) occasionally, we even watch it together sometimes. But it doesn't affect our relationship the way it does yours. It doesn't cause a lack of trust and feelings of disrespect and he never chooses porn over sex. And if I asked him to stop, he would. Just because it works in other people's relationship doesn't mean it works in yours. 

And you have to stop putting on the blame on yourself! His actions are what have caused all of this! If he really cared about making your relationship work and restoring your trust in him, he would have stopped. He would have found a therapist who could help him stop and he wouldn't put the responsibility of making him stop on you (the nanny software). But instead of stopping, instead of changing his behavior and working to regain your trust, he manipulated the situation so he still got to engage in the behavior that lost him your trust in the first place and made his issues your issues by acting like you just can't get over a single incident where in truth you can't get over it because it never stopped and he never did the work to get your trust back.

ETA: It is a sign that your relationship is unhealthy that you think last night's incident is the problem here. You have both been sweeping this issue under the rug, hoping if you don't talk about and pretend it isn't there things will magically get better. They won't. This was going to explode at some point. Personally, I think you're lucky it's happening now before you are married rather than after. Postpone the wedding! You cannot get married with this issue unresolved and there is no way you can resolve it in the next three weeks.

southernbelle0915

Sammyantha13 said:

I appreciate all of your insights and concerns.  I guess I will have to wait until he gets home to see if he wants to talk about this tonight.  

You all make very good points, but I can't help but worry if I've been totally unbiased in how I've presented this.  I feel like I have, apart from leaving out some things that aren't pertinent information.

One thing I thought of--don't all of your men view porn as well?  I mean the vast majority do.  So I don't see how I can demand that FI stop.  Like I said, I don't know that what was going on with him could be considered an addiction.  To me, an addiction in this manner means using it multiple times a day, or some frequency like that.  He told me that the most he ever looked at it was every other day, or multiple times a week. (Which a lot of guys do.)  Since then he has cut back to maybe a couple times a month.  But when he was doing it more frequently, he used it as his main stress reliever (also which most guys do), but I think what made it an addiction to him is that he felt he couldn't choose not to use as a stress reliever.  He couldn't choose to play video games to relieve stress over looking at porn.  So I think in that way he felt helpless to it, and that is what he has fixed.  

@LondonLisa, that was a very powerful way of looking at it.  I want to share that with FI but I'm not sure how.  

It makes me mad that this is all crashing down because of what I did last night.  Like if that hadn't happened then this wouldn't even be discussed right now.  

I typed a few sentences about DH's porn preferences, but stopped. This isn't about the average porn viewing. This isn't about what's "normal". This isn't even really about porn. 

This is about a man who did some shit that compromised your trust. And he hasn't won it back. He's lead you to believe that is YOUR fault (which it's not). And now you're 3 weeks out from your wedding and basically breaking up.

And to the bolded - STAAAHHHHPPP saying it's your fault because you went to his office. It's pretty clear that this has been brewing for several years and finally got to a boiling over point.

Look. You aren't happy. You aren't at peace. You aren't confident in your relationship. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? I think you know it's not right to get married right now. And from you say, I think he knows it isn't right either. Postpone the wedding and then figure out what the two of you want to do.

novella1186

My FI does not watch porn. He has in the past, and we've watched it together a couple times, but overall he doesn't have much interest in it. Whether or not a person watches porn is not the issue here, though. It's the fact that it's having a negative impact on your relationship and daily life, which is the definition of addiction. 

Let's go back to the brilliant alcohol analogy. Let's say I don't drink too often. Maybe once a week or so. But when I do it, I get too drunk and can't help myself. In fact, I miss work because of it and put my job at jeopardy. I know it's putting my job at jeopardy, but I still do it anyway. Can't help it. My excuse is that I need it for stress relief. Is that ok? Or do I have a problem? 

ohannabelle

Stop blaming yourself, immediately.

This man drove the car into the ditch, and you're apologizing because there was damage.

Everything @LondonLisa said, x1000.

And honestly, fault is irrelevant at this point. You're about to commit your life and happiness to an addict you don't trust. One who minimizes your feelings. 

I've said it a thousand times before:

Love isn't a word. It's a behavior.

Are you being treated with love? With care and respect? 

It doesn't sound like it. 

sarawifenow

FTR, FI doesn't watch porn. Not everyone does it. This is also a cop out. You are making excuses for him at this point.

Cookie Pusher

I don't know and I don't care if my husband watches porn so long as our sex life doesn't suffer. Honestly, I mostly don't care what he does or doesn't do in general so long as they aren't negatively impacting our lives (like criminal behavior, cheating, addiction, etc.). As long as we are honest and communicate with each other, both of our needs are met, and we are happy/fulfilled... well... that's the basis for a good relationship. 

We discussed what our expectations were early on when we started dating and periodically re-evaluate so we know how we are each feeling. If one of us isn't happy with something, we talk about it and figure out the best way to address it, work on it, and hopefully grow from it. No judgment, no gaslighting - just honestly looking at ourselves and each other.

Things were definitely not always sunshine and roses, not even a little bit. We hit a really, really rough patch many years ago that nearly broke us up. The only reason we were able to survive it is because DH never blamed me for things HE did. He was also willing to put the work into rebuilding trust and letting me have the time I needed to work through my feelings. We worked together to design a framework of what needed to be done to repair the non-emotional damage he created, but it was up to him to stick to it - I was not in charge of babysitting him. Had he given any resistance or tried to make it out like I was the crazy one at any point, I would have walked. 

There is no amount of love or fear of losing deposit money that is worth more than your happiness. Can you really be happy with someone who you treats you like this?

novella1186

A friend of mine actually just posted this on Facebook and it made me think of you, so I'm repeating it here, for you: 

The most courageous thing you'll ever do is let go of the person who hurts your soul. 

hellosweetie1015

Sammyantha13 said:

In his mind he's done all that he can to prove to me that I can trust him.  He's answered the same questions over and over, he's been open with me about it, he's supported me through my counseling, he did the Love Dare for me, he has apologized so many times.  He feels there's nothing else he can do.  I can't think of anything else he could do either.  Except for have more patience with me.

Commenting on this first: THAT'S WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO.  Period, end of story. If he's expecting you to magically be cured because he did all this crap (which isn't anything really, if he's still doing the things that he knows helped cause the trust issues in the first place) he is IN. THE. WRONG.

Sammyantha13 said:

I appreciate all of your insights and concerns.  I guess I will have to wait until he gets home to see if he wants to talk about this tonight.  

Initiate it, then. Don't wait on him to bring it up. This is something you need to discuss, and it needs to be addressed by BOTH of you. He doesn't get full control of how the relationship moves, whether it's forward, backward, or sideways. You're a player in it, and you get a say.

You all make very good points, but I can't help but worry if I've been totally unbiased in how I've presented this.  I feel like I have, apart from leaving out some things that aren't pertinent information. 

Nope. Sounds pretty biased to me - against yourself. You think you're 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000% in the wrong. Granted, showing up at his office is not advisable. However, it takes two to tango. He was not helping in any way, shape, form, or fashion. He was blowing off your concerns rather than addressing them head on. You are BOTH culpable in this mess. Him MUCH more than you, in my mind.

One thing I thought of--don't all of your men view porn as well?  I mean the vast majority do.  So I don't see how I can demand that FI stop.  Like I said, I don't know that what was going on with him could be considered an addiction.  To me, an addiction in this manner means using it multiple times a day, or some frequency like that.  He told me that the most he ever looked at it was every other day, or multiple times a week. (Which a lot of guys do.)  Since then he has cut back to maybe a couple times a month.  But when he was doing it more frequently, he used it as his main stress reliever (also which most guys do), but I think what made it an addiction to him is that he felt he couldn't choose not to use as a stress reliever.  He couldn't choose to play video games to relieve stress over looking at porn.  So I think in that way he felt helpless to it, and that is what he has fixed.  

Yes, my man looks at porn. However, he has a healthy relationship with it. Your FI feels as if he does not. He needs to get into counseling to figure out that relationship, why it exists, and if it has a place in his life going forward or not. Addiction is not any # of times using it per day, week, month, whatever. It is the relationship between the addicted and the "substance" for lack of a better term. If he feels it's interfering with his life, then he needs to address it. Also, I don't think FI ever uses porn as a stress release. He uses video games, reasonable amounts of beer, and cigarettes for that. (Not that any of those are particularly better outlets.)

How you demand that he stop is easy: he says it's an addiction. If you are a recovering addict, 99.9% of programs expect you to abstain from whatever "substance" you're addicted to, 100% of the time, from the day you put it down until the day they put you in the ground. If you go back to the substance, you are no longer a recovering addict - you are an addict, plain and simple, again.

@LondonLisa, that was a very powerful way of looking at it.  I want to share that with FI but I'm not sure how.  

It makes me mad that this is all crashing down because of what I did last night.  Like if that hadn't happened then this wouldn't even be discussed right now.  

PLEASE STOP taking all the blame upon yourself for this. It is NOT YOUR FAULT. You made a poor judgment call, yes, if you want someone to tell you that then fine. BUT ONE POOR JUDGMENT CALL DOES NOT END A RELATIONSHIP. If every poor judgment call I made ended relationships, I'd be alone in the world with absolutely no one to care about. I'm pretty sure we all would. Everyone makes one poor judgment call every once in a while. 

Frankly, my unsolicited and crappy opinion is that he was baiting you because he's three weeks out from being well and truly spoken for, and wants to end it because he doesn't want to be well and truly spoken for. He wants to have the freedom to have his main b*tch and another on the side if he wants her, without the huge mess of a long, drawn-out fight of a divorce. And now he's confusing you to make you feel like it's all your fault, so that once he walks away you're so damaged you won't ever find love again because you'll be so unsure of it and whether you deserve it after what "you" did to "him".

Put off that wedding and get thee to counseling.

KatieinBkln

Sammyantha13 said:

KatieinBkln said:

You've mentioned you start asking him about the porn when you haven't had sex in a while. Are you initiating sex and he's refusing, or are you waiting for him to initiate? If it's the former, then you are absolutely right to be suspicious. If it's the latter, I wonder if you could try initiating rather than accusing? I'm not saying it's all your fault by ANY MEANS, but if he feels like all the responsibility is on him surrounding sex (when you have it, when he's allowed to look at porn, if he's looking at too much, if you're satisfied, if he's satisfied) then maybe that's stressing him out too. This is the kind of thing that he could work out IN COUNSELING, which, by the way, does people more benefit when they're young and relatively willing/able to change rather than when they're old, set in their ways, and accustomed to being miserable. (Wow, sounds like a fun future, huh? I bet the two of you can hardly wait).

It's both.  Sometimes I initiate it, like in the morning as he's leaving for work, I'll say something like "When you get home later we'll...." and he always seems interested.  And then when he gets home he starts playing video games or is too tired or whatever so it doesn't happen.  Maybe that is my fault since I don't re-initiate it when he gets home.

He said if I want him to initiate it more then I have to just wait for him to do it on his own.  And then I'm waiting and waiting and it doesn't happen, so finally I speak up and that is what causes an argument.

Oof. The bolded concerns me--first of all, I just want to say that it is NOT your fault. It frankly worries me that you are so concerned with "fault" in the first place, honestly. Relationships aren't always easy, but they're a puzzle, not a test. Being "in the right" doesn't mean shit if things don't feel right for both of you. BOTH of you should be invested in solving your problems, but it seems like there's a lot of emphasis on blame instead. What ever got solved by establishing blame?

The second bolded is just bullshit. Saying, "Hey, wanna do it?" shouldn't cause an argument; it should start a damn party. The fact that he feels put upon when you offer sex is a really, really bad sign to me. It could mean he is using porn instead of you, OR it could mean he's just not that into having sex with you...but either way, that can't be something you want to live with for the rest of your life! 

I don't have to know you to promise you that there are partners out there who are both sexually compatible with you AND who love you enough to go to bat for you, whether that means apologizing from the heart and trying to change (and admitting when they slip), going to therapy with you, or anything else that shows they are truly invested in you.

hellosweetie1015

KatieinBkln said:

Sammyantha13 said:

KatieinBkln said:

You've mentioned you start asking him about the porn when you haven't had sex in a while. Are you initiating sex and he's refusing, or are you waiting for him to initiate? If it's the former, then you are absolutely right to be suspicious. If it's the latter, I wonder if you could try initiating rather than accusing? I'm not saying it's all your fault by ANY MEANS, but if he feels like all the responsibility is on him surrounding sex (when you have it, when he's allowed to look at porn, if he's looking at too much, if you're satisfied, if he's satisfied) then maybe that's stressing him out too. This is the kind of thing that he could work out IN COUNSELING, which, by the way, does people more benefit when they're young and relatively willing/able to change rather than when they're old, set in their ways, and accustomed to being miserable. (Wow, sounds like a fun future, huh? I bet the two of you can hardly wait).

It's both.  Sometimes I initiate it, like in the morning as he's leaving for work, I'll say something like "When you get home later we'll...." and he always seems interested.  And then when he gets home he starts playing video games or is too tired or whatever so it doesn't happen.  Maybe that is my fault since I don't re-initiate it when he gets home.

He said if I want him to initiate it more then I have to just wait for him to do it on his own.  And then I'm waiting and waiting and it doesn't happen, so finally I speak up and that is what causes an argument.

Oof. The bolded concerns me--first of all, I just want to say that it is NOT your fault. It frankly worries me that you are so concerned with "fault" in the first place, honestly. Relationships aren't always easy, but they're a puzzle, not a test. Being "in the right" doesn't mean shit if things don't feel right for both of you. BOTH of you should be invested in solving your problems, but it seems like there's a lot of emphasis on blame instead. What ever got solved by establishing blame?

The second bolded is just bullshit. Saying, "Hey, wanna do it?" shouldn't cause an argument; it should start a damn party. The fact that he feels put upon when you offer sex is a really, really bad sign to me. It could mean he is using porn instead of you, OR it could mean he's just not that into having sex with you...but either way, that can't be something you want to live with for the rest of your life! 

I don't have to know you to promise you that there are partners out there who are both sexually compatible with you AND who love you enough to go to bat for you, whether that means apologizing from the heart and trying to change (and admitting when they slip), going to therapy with you, or anything else that shows they are truly invested in you.

QFT, bolded to extra-emphasize major heavy truths.

Edited to add that this thread is actually beginning to make me tear up. I feel really really badly for Sammyantha and I just want to hug her. 

Sugargirl1019

@Sammyantha13‌
You made a comment about how all our men view porn so how can you ask him to stop.

I haven't read any other answers yet but -

My husband does NOT view porn. I know this. I trust him. We share the same computer but he rarely gets to use it. It exists for a man not to need porn. I would die if my husband couldn't stop looking at it. So please don't use "men need porn" as an excuse. If this is something important to you, stand by it. Don't stay with him if he won't change.

MegEn1

Sugargirl1019 said:

@Sammyantha13‌ You made a comment about how all our men view porn so how can you ask him to stop. I haven't read any other answers yet but - My husband does NOT view porn. I know this. I trust him. We share the same computer but he rarely gets to use it. It exists for a man not to need porn. I would die if my husband couldn't stop looking at it. So please don't use "men need porn" as an excuse. If this is something important to you, stand by it. Don't stay with him if he won't change.

Ditto this. FI got shit from his roommates in college because he didn't even have any posters of women on his walls.

He got a poster with Arwen from Lord of the Rings and put it up. :P

If it's a true medical addiction, it's something he needs to beat because it's a problem in his life. If he's calling it an 'addition' as an excuse to keep doing it, that's a choice that he's making knowing full well that it is hurting you.

ETA: Read a little more and just wanted to add: FI has no qualms when I initiate and is all about it. So ... I guess my response to all of your concerns is ... #notallmen? :P

falsara

OP, a lot of the other ladies have given you some wonderful advice, so the only thing I want to say is this:

 

Relationships mean that you are both on the SAME SIDE.  If there is an issue, than that issue needs to be worked on as a team so that you can defeat the issue. 

Being in a relationship should NOT be about who is right or who is wrong or who wins.  No one wins in arguments.  His blaming you means that you guys are not on the same side anymore and that means that you can't work together as a team. So nothing will be solved.

Being a team means that you talk about issues, you make a plan and then attack the issue together, with both of you doing the same amount of work and having continuous, open communication. 

He has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be on the same side with you.  I strongly recommend that you postpone the wedding and you look into counceling and really think about this.

Wouldn't it be mush easier in both of your lives if he were to make an HONEST effort to be on the same side as you?  To blame the issue and work just as actively as you to fix it, without blaming you for it, or blowing off the work. 

You deserve someone who is on your side. 

 

jynxiie

If he is telling you that he needs it and that all men need it, it really sounds like an addiction. Men do not need porn. If he is recognizing it as an addiction he should be going to a counselor who specializes in porn addiction. 

You have every reason not to trust him. He pursued another girl previously. He did not want spy software on his computer after agreeing to it first. He is convincing you what he is doing is okay. He is being awful to you when you speak about your feelings and how his issues are effecting you emotionally and I am sure your self esteem has taken a hit... I personally think he is being abusive. I have been where you are... I hated myself as much as I hated what he was doing.

I would really take a step back before marrying him... 

For the record... Fi watched porn before us, but gave it up as soon as we started dating. 

Sugargirl1019

Part of my vows:
When we fight, I promise to fight FOR our relationship, and not AGAINST it.

It's all about how you approach the disagreement with him, and how he approaches it. He just wants to win, all the while fighting against your relationship, breaking it down.

novella1186

Sugargirl1019 said:

Part of my vows: When we fight, I promise to fight FOR our relationship, and not AGAINST it. It's all about how you approach the disagreement with him, and how he approaches it. He just wants to win, all the while fighting against your relationship, breaking it down.

This. He is not fighting for you. Every person deserves to be with someone who fights for them. It almost seems like he's looking for an excuse to end things. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Sugargirl1019 said:

Part of my vows: When we fight, I promise to fight FOR our relationship, and not AGAINST it. It's all about how you approach the disagreement with him, and how he approaches it. He just wants to win, all the while fighting against your relationship, breaking it down.

Ooh I can add to this. Part of our ceremony went:

"And so it is with you also (Lolo's H), that although (Lolo) is God’s gift to you, she is not a gift intended for you alone. You are asked by God to so love this woman, that in your love she might find herself as God has created her, so beautiful and strong and brave and true, that the entire world might be blessed by the presence of a woman who shines so. May she relax in your arms as she has never relaxed before.  May she know, from now on, that there is one on whose love she can depend on forever."

Is the love you're getting from your FI making you feel strong, brave, relaxed, knowing you can depend on him and his love forever? Or distrustful, resentful, paranoid, unsure?

sarawifenow

Sugargirl1019 said:

Part of my vows: When we fight, I promise to fight FOR our relationship, and not AGAINST it. It's all about how you approach the disagreement with him, and how he approaches it. He just wants to win, all the while fighting against your relationship, breaking it down.

lolo883 said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

Part of my vows: When we fight, I promise to fight FOR our relationship, and not AGAINST it. It's all about how you approach the disagreement with him, and how he approaches it. He just wants to win, all the while fighting against your relationship, breaking it down.

Ooh I can add to this. Part of our ceremony went:

"And so it is with you also (Lolo's H), that although (Lolo) is God’s gift to you, she is not a gift intended for you alone. You are asked by God to so love this woman, that in your love she might find herself as God has created her, so beautiful and strong and brave and true, that the entire world might be blessed by the presence of a woman who shines so. May she relax in your arms as she has never relaxed before.  May she know, from now on, that there is one on whose love she can depend on forever."

Is the love you're getting from your FI making you feel strong, brave, relaxed, knowing you can depend on him and his love forever? Or distrustful, resentful, paranoid, unsure?

Well @Sugargirl1019 and @lolo883, both of those vows made me cry like a little baby. Aaaand I am prepping for a big portfolio review for a client. Thanks.

Seriously, OP, look at how beautiful both of those vows are. Can you really say that about your relationship? I know I can about mine. If you can't, I think you know what to do.

holyguacamole79

LondonLisa said:

Replace porn with alcohol and see how you would be feeling about this story: "I'm ok with him drinking occasionally despite his admitted addiction in the past. He used to get blacked out drunk and belligerent to the point that it severely affected our relationship. He lied to me a lot about his drinking.  He said he would change but I don't know if he will. He then asked me to monitor every time he had a sip of beer but then he figured out ways around it. As it stands now, he only gets blacked out drunk and belligerent once a month and afterwards we fight. He says that I shouldn't care because other people drink. When his Dad got arrested for drink driving, it shook me, but he said I was stupid and dumb for even thinking that. And now because he says I don't trust him around alcohol he doesn't know if he wants to marry me."

That doesn't sound like an alcoholic committed to recovery, does it?

^^ QFT.


And OP, no, my husband does not watch porn.  This came up during our engagement and he admitted that he did on occasion.  I am a strong believer in what the Bible says - But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.  (Matthew 5:28).  So, in our relationship, that could have been a deal breaker.  He promised to stop and has kept that promise.  He admits to me when he is tempted, and we together find ways to fight that temptation.  You mentioned the Love Dare, so I assume that you ascribe to Christianity in some form.  I encourage you to visit this site - http://www.theporneffect.com/

I definitely think you should postpone your wedding and work with a counselor who has experience with dealing with addictions.  I'll be praying for y'all

levieenrose

OP, I am so, so sorry about your situation. I cannot agree more with the amazing comments in the previous posts. 

I want to share the story of my MIL. She was with DH's father for 6 years before they married, and all the warning signs of a manipulative, lying, and cheating partner were there. She didn't heed them because she was in love and wanted to trust him so badly. Red flags went up again and again and again. She called him out, he would cover up with fantastic excuses, and she would mentally and emotionally submit. She finally did come to her senses when she recognized that her children (in high school and middle school at the time) were being treated poorly. A volatile divorce and her separation from her children have caused deep rifts in the family. Abandonment, parental rivalry, lies, extreme mis-interpretations, and ever-increasing manipulation have a clearly visible, twisted, horrible hold on this broken family. It's incredibly sad. 

I'm not saying that your situation cannot be fixed. But it certainly can't be fixed on wishes and well-intentioned words alone. When you blame yourself unwarrantedly, you are actually dissembling the heart of the problem and possible solutions to it. To be a good partner, he needs to take more accountability than he has done, and he should be giving you the consideration and patience you deserve. 

Please don't choose to bind yourself legally to someone you cannot trust. The repercussions twist deep. 

emmaaa

OP I'm sorry about your situation. Your FI has problems and you are only reinforcing those by making excuses for him.  That needs to stop.

FTR, my FI does not watch porn. He has and did when we first started dating. we tried to watch it together once and I laughed the whole time so that didn't work. I personally don't care if other men or women watch porn but I really prefer that my FI doesn't, so he doesn't. He doesn't watch pron because he respects my wishes.

Your FI does not respect you.

doeydo

A couple talks together and decides their relationship boundaries.  For some, sleeping with other people is completely OK, for others it is definitely not.  For some others, pornography goes beyond the relationship boundaries, while for others porn is perfectly OK to view.  Et cetera.  You need to think about what you want and what you are OK with and not OK with.  If you are not OK with your partner watching porn, then discuss that with him.  He can either choose to respect your wishes and agree to that being a relationship boundary for you two, or he can say "No, I will not give up porn for you" in which case you would break up (since you would have decided that you do not want to settle for someone who watches porn).  However, he claims to have a porn addiction, so he should be getting clean for his own fucking purposes.  It shouldn't have anything to do with you.  An addict cannot healthily engage in substances or behaviour that "regular" people can without any issues, because they are addicted to it.  It doesn't fucking matter how many people out there watch porn (I admit I like Suicide Girls and some other alternative porn), because he cannot due to his addiction.  

gladyscf

FWIW: My FI doesn't watch porn.

I'm saddened by how much he has manipulated you that you are taking on all the guilt in this relationship.

Sugargirl1019

@lolo883 thank you for sharing that part! So so beautiful.

Inkdancer

Sammyantha13 said:

I appreciate all of your insights and concerns.  I guess I will have to wait until he gets home to see if he wants to talk about this tonight.  

You all make very good points, but I can't help but worry if I've been totally unbiased in how I've presented this.  I feel like I have, apart from leaving out some things that aren't pertinent information.

One thing I thought of--don't all of your men view porn as well?  I mean the vast majority do.  So I don't see how I can demand that FI stop.  Like I said, I don't know that what was going on with him could be considered an addiction.  To me, an addiction in this manner means using it multiple times a day, or some frequency like that.  He told me that the most he ever looked at it was every other day, or multiple times a week. (Which a lot of guys do.)  Since then he has cut back to maybe a couple times a month.  But when he was doing it more frequently, he used it as his main stress reliever (also which most guys do), but I think what made it an addiction to him is that he felt he couldn't choose not to use as a stress reliever.  He couldn't choose to play video games to relieve stress over looking at porn.  So I think in that way he felt helpless to it, and that is what he has fixed.  

@LondonLisa, that was a very powerful way of looking at it.  I want to share that with FI but I'm not sure how.  

It makes me mad that this is all crashing down because of what I did last night.  Like if that hadn't happened then this wouldn't even be discussed right now.  

If H is watching porn, it is with me. Which is very rare, because when we have the opportunity to be together we don't usually need any "help".

But that is beside the point. The real issue is that if I asked him not to look at porn, or not to do just about anything that bothered me, he would respect that. Your FI is not respecting you.