Registry Concerns

sarawifenow

StickEmUpKitty said:

I think its funny people keep saying sexfest or your vacation to have sex for a week. So you can't say you want a contribution to that but you can say  you want these specific new sheets so you can have sex on those?

Where did you get that from? Did I miss a post or something?

aurianna

I'm confused where you were planning to put this poem (which I don't think you should use). Hopefully not the invites. Gifts of any kind should never be mentioned in the wedding invitation.

That said...

I agree with PPs. Just don't register. If anyone asks you where you're registered say, "Oh we didn't register. We have all the household items we need." And if they press "We are saving up for our honeymoon." With no registry, most of the people who were going to give you something anyway will give you cash. And the small number who don't likely do not like to give cash and would have ignored your note anyway. Just accept whatever boxed gift they give graciously, and use it, return it, or donate it. No harm, no foul.

This approach is OK, because they asked you.



Now you asked how asking for money is different than registering for household stuff. I will try to explain the way I see it.
Traditional registries are just suggestions. And if a guest is looking at your registry, it is likely because they've already made the decision that they want to give you a gift, because they took the steps to find it (because again, it should not be mentioned in the invites. They need to either search for it or ask directly for it). If they've already made that decision, then some ideas of some of the things you'd like is a helpful tool. But it's just suggestions. The guest still has the option to give you cash if they'd prefer to do so. And perhaps they'd like to give you something really cool they found elsewhere, or something they've made. It's wide open and they can have fun with the gift giving process.

If a couple does not register at all, it's still open to the guests. They can still give cash if they want to. They can be really creative too (gift certificates to couple's favorite restaurant, offering to pay for something for their honeymoon, etc). And maybe you'll even get some boxed gifts that you never thought about needing before and are super great! And you'll get some you'll hate and you'll be able to return for the cash anyway.


By just saying, "We only want cash!!" you've taken away all their options. It's taken the fun out of gift giving. They don't get to give you something from the heart. They don't get choices. They either have to give you cash or give you something else knowing it's in direct conflict with what you want, which would make them feel bad.
Your guests should never, ever be put in a position where they feel guilty for giving you a boxed gift. This is also very hard for guests who have less money, because maybe they could have found good bargains / coupons / layaway / whatever. Or made something. But you just tell them "I want your money!" and it puts them in a spot.


The bride and groom are not entitled to any presents. But assuming it is not brought up by the bride and groom themselves and assuming it isn't in the invites/save the dates, having a wish-list of things they'd enjoy is fine. Just coming out and asking for money is not.


See the diff? Just don't register and you'll get plenty of money for your honeymoon. GL

ETA:
And of course if you don't plan on registering for physical gifts, decline any offers of a shower. If someone does offer you a shower and you really want it, you need to have a physical registry. Here are few ideas you may not have thought of:

Upgrades. Nicer sheets. Nicer towels. Guest room sheets. Guest towels. High end pots (I had a whole set of pots and pans from Costco but when we traded those in for  the Calphlon we got at the wedding... oh baby).
A stand mixer. A better blender.

Do you have good entertaining items? Things for the bar? I personally don't side-eye party and lawn games on registries.

What about better tools for the BBQ grill? (or even register for an inexpensive BBQ grill).

What about storage items? We registered for storage for our fine china. And our Christmas ornaments.

I don't even judge small house accessories (lamps, anything from The Container Store, mirrors) or camping equipment.

Want to redo your bathroom? New shower curtain. New soap dish. Change it up a bit. It's fun.

Of course those are just suggestions to fill out a registry if someone is throwing you a shower. If no one offers / you decline them then you can stick with the lack of registry.

alpacalunch

StickEmUpKitty said:

We are having a honeyfund as our main registry and a small registry at crate and barrel for those who prefer that option. But we are a family of 6 and have lived on our own for many years and together for the last two. We have doubles of everything. That being said yes towels and replacement dishes are always nice. So we registered for a few of those things. But honestly the honeyfund is our main registry. I heard great things about it from other friends who had it... I have had several people compliment our registry and say how fun it is that they get to feel involved in helping us plan what fun things to do. They don't have to  contribute on the website... they can just bring an envelope to the wedding. If people know you prefer money instead of a picture frame then they rather do that. Thats what I have been told by several friends and family members. Do what you want to do and what makes your day special. Saying you prefer something for your honeymoon is no worse than saying "hey I want these special towels"... Its a wish list... not something they have to do. Don't worry about everyone else here saying how terrible it is if you do it. You know your friends and family best.

This hurts my heart. Please read the above posts, and think. Your friends and family aren't going to outright call you on something rude. They love you. But it doesn't mean they support your honeyfund.

LakeR2014

chrisandcait said:

StickEmUpKitty said:

We are having a honeyfund as our main registry and a small registry at crate and barrel for those who prefer that option. But we are a family of 6 and have lived on our own for many years and together for the last two. We have doubles of everything. That being said yes towels and replacement dishes are always nice. So we registered for a few of those things. But honestly the honeyfund is our main registry. I heard great things about it from other friends who had it... I have had several people compliment our registry and say how fun it is that they get to feel involved in helping us plan what fun things to do. They don't have to  contribute on the website... they can just bring an envelope to the wedding. If people know you prefer money instead of a picture frame then they rather do that. Thats what I have been told by several friends and family members. Do what you want to do and what makes your day special. Saying you prefer something for your honeymoon is no worse than saying "hey I want these special towels"... Its a wish list... not something they have to do. Don't worry about everyone else here saying how terrible it is if you do it. You know your friends and family best.

This hurts my heart. Please read the above posts, and think. Your friends and family aren't going to outright call you on something rude. They love you. But it doesn't mean they support your honeyfund.

This. 1000x- THIS!  

Let's put it in a different perspective:   You're friends bought a new house. They're super excited!  They love the new house, it's fabulous!  So to share in their excitement they invite you, their awesome friend to an open-house party to show off their house and how excited they are for it. 

But in the lovely invite you received is a poem that states how they really want you there and in lieu of any wine, beer, liquor, or home amentities you might want to give them (because you're really excited for them and their new house) they want you to give them cash so they can upgrade to the good channels on Cable.  Ya know like HBO or get that higher speed internet.

Incredibly rude and tacky, right?  You'd side-eye that hard, right? But you wouldn't tell that to your friend, because well, YOU ARE THEIR FRIEND. You don't want to hurt them.  Doesn't mean you agree to it - you'll tell your white lie, move on, maybe gossip about it with other friends, but you will NOT tell you're friend how tacky the invite/mention of cash was.

Including anything about cash or registering for a Honeyfund and putting that in your invite is the EXACT same thing.   Think about it.

StickEmUpKitty

People can do what they like. They can not bring a gift. They can choose a gift from our crate and barrel registry. They can choose from our honeyfund. Or they can do something they choose to do. And whatever they do we will appreciate and love. Most important is that we get to celebrate with them. I'll let you know after the wedding which was the most popular of the options. Honeyfund wouldn't exist if it wasn't successful. Its no different to show what gifts you like for your home than it is to show what you like for your trip. I'm not providing a poem with mine. Mine simply states we are so lucky to have a home full of things and what we would really love is the time away with each other and things to do on our trip. We have four kids so we have never had a trip together and likely won't for years to come. Our family and friends are very different than what it seems most are here according to reactions. Our family and friends love our registry. So for us it works. For others it may not work. But in the event that someone rather not participate in that different registry we provided a small traditional one.
Everyone has an option. And its really not that big of a deal. The gifts... Who cares... Its our day to make a commitment that matters to us. And to everyone attending.

StickEmUpKitty

Several people mentioned no one wants to contribute to your week of sex... But I was thinking why would they think that about your honeymoon? Its not all about sex.. Just like those sheets you think its OK to register for aren't all about the sex the couple will have on it.

LakeR2014

StickEmUpKitty said:

People can do what they like. They can not bring a gift. They can choose a gift from our crate and barrel registry. They can choose from our honeyfund. Or they can do something they choose to do. And whatever they do we will appreciate and love. Most important is that we get to celebrate with them. I'll let you know after the wedding which was the most popular of the options. Honeyfund wouldn't exist if it wasn't successful. Honeyfund wouldn't exist if it didn't make money off unsuspecting friends and family of rude brides and grooms. Its no different to show what gifts you like for your home than it is to show what you like for your trip. I'm not providing a poem with mine. Mine simply states we are so lucky to have a home full of things and what we would really love is the time away with each other and things to do on our trip. We have four kids so we have never had a trip together and likely won't for years to come. Our family and friends are very different than what it seems most are here according to reactions. Our family and friends love our registry. So for us it works. For others it may not work. But in the event that someone rather not participate in that different registry we provided a small traditional one. Everyone has an option. And its really not that big of a deal. The gifts... Who cares... Its our day to make a commitment that matters to us. And to everyone attending.

Fixed that for you. 

Cookie Pusher

I don't understand the point of people asking on an etiquette board if something is rude/how to do something that is rude, and then get pissed off when they're told what they want to do is rude. That's like telling your buddy that you're going to rob a bank and being mad they tell you that it's not a good idea.

If you are going to do it anyway and don't want to be told it's rude, don't post about it on an etiquette board. 

sarawifenow

StickEmUpKitty said:

Several people mentioned no one wants to contribute to your week of sex... But I was thinking why would they think that about your honeymoon? Its not all about sex.. Just like those sheets you think its OK to register for aren't all about the sex the couple will have on it.

Not seeing that either. Are you sure you are reading the right post? Please point out to me who said that.

Maggie0829

I don't get honeyfund.  Why would anyone voluntarily use a site that takes a percentage of your gift? Wouldn't you want to get the full gift, not just 95% of it?  And I know the response to this question "well they offer a service that doesn't take any portion of your gift.  This service allows your guest to print off a picture of what they are getting you and they give you that "voucher" plus the check to pay for it in a card at your wedding."  So then why have the honeyfund to begin with if your guests are just giving you a check in a card?  Why not skip the rude part and let your friends give you the check?

StickEmUpKitty

That's funny. But if I wanted to write that I would have myself. And if people didn't give gifts through honey fund because they found out so awful then honey fund wouldn't exist. So enough people are cool with it. And those who aren't done have to use it. No big deal. my friend who used it said 90% of her gifts were honeyfund gifts. And almost everyone brought the envelope to the wedding with a print out of what activity they were sending the gift for. Pretty cool. Is there is absolutely no charge on their gift to you to print out that slip.

Anyway to the original poster I just put our info about the registry on our wedding website. No place else. So if they see it they see it. I think maybe offbeatbride might have a more open minded forum where you can get tips on wording etc.

sarawifenow

StickEmUpKitty said:

That's funny. But if I wanted to write that I would have myself. And if people didn't give gifts through honey fund because they found out so awful then honey fund wouldn't exist. So enough people are cool with it. And those who aren't done have to use it. No big deal. my friend who used it said 90% of her gifts were honeyfund gifts. And almost everyone brought the envelope to the wedding with a print out of what activity they were sending the gift for. Pretty cool. Is there is absolutely no charge on their gift to you to print out that slip. Anyway to the original poster I just put our info about the registry on our wedding website. No place else. So if they see it they see it. I think maybe offbeatbride might have a more open minded forum where you can get tips on wording etc.

Yes please go there.

slothiegal

StickEmUpKitty said:

That's funny. But if I wanted to write that I would have myself. And if people didn't give gifts through honey fund because they found out so awful then honey fund wouldn't exist. So enough people are cool with it. And those who aren't done have to use it. No big deal. my friend who used it said 90% of her gifts were honeyfund gifts. And almost everyone brought the envelope to the wedding with a print out of what activity they were sending the gift for. Pretty cool. Is there is absolutely no charge on their gift to you to print out that slip. Anyway to the original poster I just put our info about the registry on our wedding website. No place else. So if they see it they see it. I think maybe offbeatbride might have a more open minded forum where you can get tips on wording etc.

I'm still waiting for you to point out the post where someone said no one wants to contribute to "a week of sex".

StickEmUpKitty

Katwag mentioned no one wants to pay for your sexfest. And Penguin44 said something about no one wanting to pay for her week of sex. Can we move on now? Thanks.

Maggie0829

StickEmUpKitty said:

That's funny. But if I wanted to write that I would have myself. And if people didn't give gifts through honey fund because they found out so awful then honey fund wouldn't exist. So enough people are cool with it. And those who aren't done have to use it. No big deal. my friend who used it said 90% of her gifts were honeyfund gifts. And almost everyone brought the envelope to the wedding with a print out of what activity they were sending the gift for. Pretty cool. Is there is absolutely no charge on their gift to you to print out that slip. Anyway to the original poster I just put our info about the registry on our wedding website. No place else. So if they see it they see it. I think maybe offbeatbride might have a more open minded forum where you can get tips on wording etc.

People just don't know how honeyfund really works.  Many believe that when they "buy" you your gift from the site that  you actually get that gift, meaning you get a reservation for a dinner or you get a reservation for a massage.  What they don't realize is that you are only getting a check cut by the site minus any fee.  No actual reservation is made.  If more people knew how it worked I have a funny feeling less and less people would use it.

And you can still be an off beat bride but still follow correct etiquette.  Off beat means wearing a hot pink dress or carrying feathers as your bouquet, not that it is okay to be rude to your guests because you are so off-beat.

Maggie0829

I do have to agree with SickEmUp about the whole "sex fest" comments.  I really hate that people refer to honeymoons as sex-fests.  That isn't all that happens on a honeymoon.  I mean I could go on vacation with my H any old time and have loads of sex but apparently only my HM was considered a sex fest.

sarawifenow

StickEmUpKitty said:

Katwag mentioned no one wants to pay for your sexfest. And Penguin44 said something about no one wanting to pay for her week of sex. Can we move on now? Thanks.

Oh I see it now. Thanks for clarifying. I really wasn't being snarky, I didn't see it before.

StickEmUpKitty

No problem. Its difficult to tell. I've been met with 95% sneakiness and this was my first day posting here.

l9i

On the point of family and friends not telling you its rude...  one of my BMs got married last year and had a honeyfund (along with a dollar dash and tip jar for their honeymoon).  Do you know how much I heard people talking shit?  From what she told me I think about 10 people used it (it was a wedding of approximately 150-200).   When it was time for my wedding she tried to convince me I should set one up... poor thing has ZERO idea what people really thought about it...

StickEmUpKitty

Most won't give it on the site because they want to bring a card or something to your wedding. You can also shut off the online aspect of it like we did. That means 100% of what they give goes to you. Not to the site at all. And its up to the couple to make that reservation with the money. We have every intention of doing so. We want to have the gift the giver intended and chose from the list.

KatieinBkln

StickEmUpKitty said:

No problem. Its difficult to tell. I've been met with 95% sneakiness and this was my first day posting here.

You might want to ask yourself what the common thread is in all this. The fact is, you've been giving terrible wedding advice (and I use that objectively, since most things you've said you're doing/encouraged others to do are in fact etiquette breaches) all day. You really shouldn't be surprised that you're getting pushback.

StickEmUpKitty

If you turn off the online gift option you do get the full cash gift. And then you take that money and make that reservation. We chose a butterfly farm visit. Its 15$ entrance. If someone buys two admissions you can bet we are taking that 30$ and getting two admissions to the butterfly farm with it. I realize I have to take the initiative to turn the cash into the intended gift. We are OK with doing that.

Maggie0829

StickEmUpKitty said:

Most won't give it on the site because they want to bring a card or something to your wedding. You can also shut off the online aspect of it like we did. That means 100% of what they give goes to you. Not to the site at all. And its up to the couple to make that reservation with the money. We have every intention of doing so. We want to have the gift the giver intended and chose from the list.

Then I just don't understand the point.  Why not just let these people bring you money like they most likely will regardless of what type of registry you have and then you take that money and do with it whatever you want?  Why set up a website that you can't buy anything off of?  People are not dumb.  If they want to make sure you use their money towards their honeymoon then they will note it in the car.  And plus side?  If you just allow them to give you money without it attached to anything then you can use it for whatever.  But when you attach it to something like a reservation for dinner or a massage then you have no choice but to use it for that item.  But when it is not attached you could use it to pay off a credit card or buy a case of wine or a whole pig to roast.

plainjane0415

This may be a dumb question, but why do you want to be busy with activities on your honeymoon?  I know I don't.  After the stress of planning a wedding I just want to lay around, sleep, and eat....But maybe I'm the minority.  Aside from a honeyfund being super rude, I just think it's weird that people are paying for activities on your vacation. 

StickEmUpKitty

Its 2014

Maggie0829

plainjane0415 said:

This may be a dumb question, but why do you want to be busy with activities on your honeymoon?  I know I don't.  After the stress of planning a wedding I just want to lay around, sleep, and eat....But maybe I'm the minority.  Aside from a honeyfund being super rude, I just think it's weird that people are paying for activities on your vacation. 

Because everyone is different.  When people go on vacations, which is exactly what a HM is, they tend to like to do certain things.  Some people hate sitting around and prefer to always be doing activities and excursions, while others prefer to have a drink in their hand and sun bathe by the pool.

Maggie0829

StickEmUpKitty said:

Its 2014

What does this have to do with anything?

StickEmUpKitty

And if they don't like it they don't have to use it. And if they talk shit behind my back then I'll never know. I don't care you guys. Its a fun laid back day. No stuffy rules here. My family isn't that way and either am I.

Maggie0829

StickEmUpKitty said:

And if they don't like it they don't have to use it. And if they talk shit behind my back then I'll never know. I don't care you guys. Its a fun laid back day. No stuffy rules here. My family isn't that way and either am I.

Oh for fucks sake stop it with the "stuffy rules" comment.  Just because you follow etiquette does not mean your event will be stuffy.

And you aren't answering any of the questions being posed.  I am going to assume because you don't have any good or reasonable answers for them and you know deep down that we are right and you are being silly.

StickEmUpKitty

Off to enjoy my day. Hope you all enjoy yours.
If you reply and I don't. I probably won't ever see what you said. Once I close my browser i can't find anything on this site. Its not very easy to navigate the billion threads.