Wedding 911

Kids at the Wedding...SOS!!

Hi there, I am in need of some help!

My fiance and I are struggling with the topic of kids at the wedding. We are on the same page, but we don't know what the "right" answer is.

Both my fiance and I have tons of cousins - 15 on my side and another ten on his. All of these kids range from ages one to 20 or so. Out of these kids, we are close to about ten of them.

My mom has four siblings and each sibling has children. I am extremely close to one of my aunts, "Gina", who has four kids. I am close to the kids as well, and I have asked one to participate in the wedding by making decorations. Her kids range in age from 14 to 20. I am not nearly as close to her other three siblings, and I have almost no relationships with their kids who are all under the age of 14. 

On my dad's side, I have three cousins...one of the cousins will be a bridesmaid in the wedding. 

To complicate the situation, my fiance's brother has four kids, two of which will be in the wedding. 

We would like to invite all of the kids that have a role, as well as their siblings. That would put our count at about 11 kids and includes the family that we are closest to. Is it acceptable to say that these are the only children that will be invited? Are we opening up a can of scary worms by not including all of the cousins? Do we need to just suck it up and invite all 25 kids? Any guidance would be appreciated!

Thanks!!

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Re: Kids at the Wedding...SOS!!

  • Hi there, I am in need of some help!

    My fiance and I are struggling with the topic of kids at the wedding. We are on the same page, but we don't know what the "right" answer is.

    Both my fiance and I have tons of cousins - 15 on my side and another ten on his. All of these kids range from ages one to 20 or so. Out of these kids, we are close to about ten of them.

    My mom has four siblings and each sibling has children. I am extremely close to one of my aunts, "Gina", who has four kids. I am close to the kids as well, and I have asked one to participate in the wedding by making decorations. Her kids range in age from 14 to 20. I am not nearly as close to her other three siblings, and I have almost no relationships with their kids who are all under the age of 14. 

    On my dad's side, I have three cousins...one of the cousins will be a bridesmaid in the wedding. 

    To complicate the situation, my fiance's brother has four kids, two of which will be in the wedding. 

    We would like to invite all of the kids that have a role, as well as their siblings. That would put our count at about 11 kids and includes the family that we are closest to. Is it acceptable to say that these are the only children that will be invited? Are we opening up a can of scary worms by not including all of the cousins? Do we need to just suck it up and invite all 25 kids? Any guidance would be appreciated!

    Thanks!!

    What do you mean you have asked a cousin to "participate in the wedding" by making decorations???  People can participate in the following way:  bridal party, ring bearer / flower girl, usher, musician, reader.  Or they can participate as a guest.  Don't ask your relatives or help do your work and spin it as "participating" in the wedding.

    The rest depends on family dynamics.  My mom has 5 brothers, and they all have kids.  We are not close with any of these cousins, so if someone had a wedding and invited Uncle Bob's kids but not me and my siblings, we would have no issues.  My husbands family is very different.  They are all close, and there is no way to invite one set of cousins and not the rest.

    Do you have the budget and venue space to accommodate all 25 kids?  If so, I would personally say to invite all of them.  But as long as you are not splitting up siblings and you allow them to being their s/o if they are in a committed relationship, you are fine.  
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2014
    Putting aside the fact that working for you is not participating in the wedding, you can pretty much invite who you want. Expect hurt feelings. You cannot, however split up a family. It's all or nothing with that.

    Are your parents helping to pay for the wedding? If so, they may have thoughts about their young grandchildren being invited. 
  • Telling someone that they need to make decorations for your wedding is not "participating". That's no way to honor a loved one. 
  • Oy, oy, oy - I don't think I did a great job explaining that. My cousin is an amazingly talented young lady and was chomping at the bit to make cake toppers. I didn't ask her to "participate" to pawn off work, I asked her simply because she was excited and wanted to "participate" in this manner.

    We have zero intention of breaking up the families - no these siblings are invited and these are not. My fiance and I came to a decision last night. While we would love to have everyone there, it isn't feasible. We are going with the truth - gently of course. 

    I guess I was trying to spare feelings and create some sort of guideline as to who would be invited and who wouldn't, and then that created the need for loopholes. We are tossing that idea out the window and just stating that we would love to but can't, and so the children we are close to have been invited. I understand people may be hurt, and I have to expect and understand that.

    I felt panicked because I had a family member and her 11 year old daughter call me out and put me in an awkward position when I wasn't ready to make a determination on the kids - they used guilt and I don't respond well to that.

    Thank you for your feedback, and I apologize if I wasn't clear enough as to what I was asking or making it seem like I was being jerky about decorations.
  • Looks like you probably have it under control.  One thing though, don't ever tell someone they are NOT invited.  Just send the invitations to people who are invited.  Just list on the envelopes people who are invited.  Don't call anyone to tell them their kids are not invited.  If someone RSVPs for someone who is not invited, only then can you call them up and tell them there was a misunderstanding, only Bob and Sue were invited, Ashley and George cannot be accommodated, and you hope Bob and Sue can still make it.
  • I wasn't planning on proactively telling people that their kids were or were not invited. I do have an aunt that asked me directly if her kids were invited...this was after her 11 year sent me a message on FB to ask me if she was invited. I told them that we were still working out the details. Should I let them know now since they asked or have them wait for the invite? Thanks!!
  • We asked for no kids under the age of 12. After my aunt who has a special needs 10 year old RSVP'd (verbally before the invites went out) for both of them and assumed we would have babysitting service to take care of her kid, so she could have a free night out. Uh no.... we were not running a babysitting service. This prompted our request of no children and you know what, people didn't really mind. My aunt and her son never came and they were the only ones that didn't attend because of the kid ban, the rest just got babysitters.

    We recently had an invite in the mail that stated on it, due to the venue size and fire code restrictions only the addressees are invited to attend. Sorry. Apparently they have had no issues with this request either. 

    As for you, in your situation, having kids involved in the wedding and not inviting the ones who aren't involved is probably going to cause issues because well you know people talk. But at the end of the day, you are paying for it, so it is your decision.

    I would tell them all the details will be listed on the invite. 
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  • KikiMira said:
    We asked for no kids under the age of 12. After my aunt who has a special needs 10 year old RSVP'd (verbally before the invites went out) for both of them and assumed we would have babysitting service to take care of her kid, so she could have a free night out. Uh no.... we were not running a babysitting service. This prompted our request of no children and you know what, people didn't really mind. My aunt and her son never came and they were the only ones that didn't attend because of the kid ban, the rest just got babysitters.

    We recently had an invite in the mail that stated on it, due to the venue size and fire code restrictions only the addressees are invited to attend. Sorry. Apparently they have had no issues with this request either. 

    As for you, in your situation, having kids involved in the wedding and not inviting the ones who aren't involved is probably going to cause issues because well you know people talk. But at the end of the day, you are paying for it, so it is your decision.

    I would tell them all the details will be listed on the invite. 

    Do not state anything like this on the invite (I don't think you would, OP, you seem to have common sense). Assume intelligence of your guests - until they prove you wrong by RSVPing for others, they should know that only the addressees are invited to attend.

    "We haven't finalized the guest list" is your new favorite phrase until invites go out with people's names on them.

  • arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2014
    The subject of having kids are our wedding was one of the first things my FI and I discussed, because we knew it was something that would need to be clarified early on. I have 7 nieces/nephews, and my FI has no young children on his side of the family. I come from a large family and I am the last to get married, so all of my cousins (who I'm relatively close to) have at least one, if not two, kids all under the age of 3. Everyone lives across the country, too.

    We still decided that other than my nieces/nephews, we will not be accommodating children at our wedding. I've been to too many weddings where infants were screaming during the ceremony, and toddlers were running around the reception and breaking things, running into people, crying, etc. Not to mention I just don't like kids. Period. Our wedding is going to be OUR day that we want to enjoy, and we want other people to enjoy, so NO KIDS other than those of my sisters (half of them will be in the wedding).

    Of course I discussed this matter with my parents, who are paying for a big chunk of the wedding, and they were totally onboard with the idea, stating it's our day, and we can do what we want. I understand that this may cause some issue with some people, but I'm okay with that. I won't hold it against them if they don't show up because we're not inviting their kids. I understand that they may not get anyone to watch their kids and won't be able to come.

    The word has already started going through the family channels, and people are actually okay with it. I've already had a few of my cousins arrange for people take care of their kids so that they can come, and they're actually looking forward to a break and a good night out without the tots. 

    Just to be sure, we plan on stating on our Reception Cards "Due to budget restrictions, we are unable to accommodate guests under the age of 18." Which is true. We can't afford to accommodate an extra 20+ kids. This may be considered tacky by some, but we are quite okay with that.

    Good luck!
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  • "I've been to too many weddings where infants were screaming during the ceremony, and toddlers were running around the reception and breaking things, running into people, crying, etc. "
    This is amazing. In the almost fifty years I've been attending weddings, I've only seen one truly badly behaved child. I've never seen these scenes of mass destruction and mayhem. 
    If you don't like children, no big deal. If you like children, but choose not to invite them, that's fine, too. You don't need to make excuses.

    It's truly bad etiquette to note who isn't invited on an invitation. And worse to share budgeting information. Address the invitation to those invited, and if you absolutely feel the need, many girls are including the verbiage "We have reserved (however many) seats for you," on the reception card. 
  • edited June 2015
  • I think I've only been to one wedding that didn't invite children and that was as someone's plus one. It would be pretty side-eyed in my circles tbh. But in terms of children behaving badly, 100% of the time if a child has been loud or acting out during the ceremony, it has been the child of the bride & groom. 

    My cousin's 4 year old was supposed to be jr. bride, but she flipped out and threw a full-on fists on the ground fit in the aisle. Her dad had to come down and pick her up and walk her, screaming, down the aisle next to her mom.
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  • arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2014


    Just to be sure, we plan on stating on our Reception Cards "Due to budget restrictions, we are unable to accommodate guests under the age of 18." Which is true. We can't afford to accommodate an extra 20+ kids. This may be considered tacky by some, but we are quite okay with that.

    Good luck!
    Why would anyone be OK with doing something they acknowledge is tacky?  That reflects poorly on you.  You have said that word has already gone out, and that people are already making arrangements to accommodate your preference.  To reiterate it on your reception cards is not only unnecessary, it is offensive to your guests.
    I never said we thought it was tacky. I said some others may think so. We don't think it is, and it is our preference. I think people should be able to have the freedom to do what they want to make their wedding special for them regardless of what some people consider to be in poor taste. It is entirely subjective.
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  • The subject of having kids are our wedding was one of the first things my FI and I discussed, because we knew it was something that would need to be clarified early on. I have 7 nieces/nephews, and my FI has no young children on his side of the family. I come from a large family and I am the last to get married, so all of my cousins (who I'm relatively close to) have at least one, if not two, kids all under the age of 3. Everyone lives across the country, too.

    We still decided that other than my nieces/nephews, we will not be accommodating children at our wedding. I've been to too many weddings where infants were screaming during the ceremony, and toddlers were running around the reception and breaking things, running into people, crying, etc. Not to mention I just don't like kids. Period. Our wedding is going to be OUR day that we want to enjoy, and we want other people to enjoy, so NO KIDS other than those of my sisters (half of them will be in the wedding).

    Of course I discussed this matter with my parents, who are paying for a big chunk of the wedding, and they were totally onboard with the idea, stating it's our day, and we can do what we want. I understand that this may cause some issue with some people, but I'm okay with that. I won't hold it against them if they don't show up because we're not inviting their kids. I understand that they may not get anyone to watch their kids and won't be able to come.

    The word has already started going through the family channels, and people are actually okay with it. I've already had a few of my cousins arrange for people take care of their kids so that they can come, and they're actually looking forward to a break and a good night out without the tots. 

    Just to be sure, we plan on stating on our Reception Cards "Due to budget restrictions, we are unable to accommodate guests under the age of 18." Which is true. We can't afford to accommodate an extra 20+ kids. This may be considered tacky by some, but we are quite okay with that.

    Good luck!
    It's not tacky, it's rude.  It's always rude to indicate who is NOT invited.  You address your invitations to those who are invited and leave it at that.  Drop this terrible idea and you're good to go with your plans.





  • Just to be sure, we plan on stating on our Reception Cards "Due to budget restrictions, we are unable to accommodate guests under the age of 18." Which is true. We can't afford to accommodate an extra 20+ kids. This may be considered tacky by some, but we are quite okay with that.

    Good luck!
    Why would anyone be OK with doing something they acknowledge is tacky?  That reflects poorly on you.  You have said that word has already gone out, and that people are already making arrangements to accommodate your preference.  To reiterate it on your reception cards is not only unnecessary, it is offensive to your guests.
    I never said we thought it was tacky. I said some others may think so. We don't think it is, and it is our preference. I think people should be able to have the freedom to do what they want to make their wedding special for them regardless of what some people consider to be in poor taste. It is entirely subjective.
    Taste is subjective.  Etiquette is not.  This is why I don't like it when people use the word tacky when they mean rude.  Tacky is a matter of taste.  Rudeness is not. 





  • Just to be sure, we plan on stating on our Reception Cards "Due to budget restrictions, we are unable to accommodate guests under the age of 18." Which is true. We can't afford to accommodate an extra 20+ kids. This may be considered tacky by some, but we are quite okay with that.

    Good luck!
    Why would anyone be OK with doing something they acknowledge is tacky?  That reflects poorly on you.  You have said that word has already gone out, and that people are already making arrangements to accommodate your preference.  To reiterate it on your reception cards is not only unnecessary, it is offensive to your guests.
    I never said we thought it was tacky. I said some others may think so. We don't think it is, and it is our preference. I think people should be able to have the freedom to do what they want to make their wedding special for them regardless of what some people consider to be in poor taste. It is entirely subjective.
    No, it really isn't subjective. It is rude. Would you send an invitation for a dinner party to a group of friends saying "Come to dinner. But due to budget restrains, we cannot accommodate Susan and John". Of course not, because you know it is rude to single out who isn't invited to a party. It stops being "your special day" as soon as you invite guests. Grow up and quit acting so entitled. 
  • From what I read it sounds like you are closest to the older kids anyhow so I think the easiest way to do this might be to put an age limit on it.

    For our wedding what we are doing is just saying no kids.  The only somewhat exception is that my niece and nephew will be there as a BM and GM.  But they really aren't "kids" they are more preteens.  My niece will be 12 and my nephew will be 9 at the wedding.  While there are a few other kids who I'm sure would come if we let them, it's very important to me that it not turn into a circus.  At FHs cousins wedding their kids were so poorly behaved the thought of them at my wedding make my blood pressure skyrocket.  The older one screamed at the top of her lungs at one point and wouldn't hold still the entire ceremony.  The little one was fed 8 cupcakes...she was a year old.  I kept pointing out to each subsequent person to feed her one how many she'd already had but no one cared.  By the end up the night she was green, literally.  She wasn't even really eating them voluntarily anymore, they were basically pushing them into her mouth.  I don't want to deal with that mess--no puke on my dress please and thank you!

    I get where that could be a hassle for some but one of the parents is in the wedding party and the other is just a nightmare and always makes the other one take care of them.  They were just at a family funeral a few months ago without the kids so I see no reason why they can't get the same sitter for the wedding.  (Sorry, ranting, it's a stressful thing.)
  • From what I read it sounds like you are closest to the older kids anyhow so I think the easiest way to do this might be to put an age limit on it.

    For our wedding what we are doing is just saying no kids.  The only somewhat exception is that my niece and nephew will be there as a BM and GM.  But they really aren't "kids" they are more preteens.  My niece will be 12 and my nephew will be 9 at the wedding.  While there are a few other kids who I'm sure would come if we let them, it's very important to me that it not turn into a circus.  At FHs cousins wedding their kids were so poorly behaved the thought of them at my wedding make my blood pressure skyrocket.  The older one screamed at the top of her lungs at one point and wouldn't hold still the entire ceremony.  The little one was fed 8 cupcakes...she was a year old.  I kept pointing out to each subsequent person to feed her one how many she'd already had but no one cared.  By the end up the night she was green, literally.  She wasn't even really eating them voluntarily anymore, they were basically pushing them into her mouth.  I don't want to deal with that mess--no puke on my dress please and thank you!

    I get where that could be a hassle for some but one of the parents is in the wedding party and the other is just a nightmare and always makes the other one take care of them.  They were just at a family funeral a few months ago without the kids so I see no reason why they can't get the same sitter for the wedding.  (Sorry, ranting, it's a stressful thing.)
    Ah yes, I forgot that Barnum & Bailey's main attraction was children. 

    FYI, stating "no kids" anywhere on the invitation is rude.  


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  • Just for the record: I've since reconsidered my tactic of going about making our wedding adults only (address only the invited adults on the invitation envelope, write in the amount of seats reserved, getting word-of-mouth out there prior, etc). I really do appreciate everyone's honest feedback. Just took me a couple of days to remind myself that that is what this place is for :)
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  • Always remember Matey, it's what the WASPs say that's important for weddings, with little regard for other cultures or background influencing a cultural event. 
  • Always remember Matey, it's what the WASPs say that's important for weddings, with little regard for other cultures or background influencing a cultural event. 

    Excuse me? Could you be more specific?
  • rodigsorangerodigsorange member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2014
    Dbl post.
  • If it ain't white dress, tasteful updo'ed, bleached cookie cutter etiquette, Invisaligned, Crestwhited, Williams Sonoma registered, Pantone 7507 skin toned, kindly take that to OffBeat Bride or get married in the alleyway of whatever ethnic ghetto you clearly reside in.

    Matey, your wedding should reflect you and your man's, not women who were married years ago and still haunt these threads. 
  • If it ain't white dress, tasteful updo'ed, bleached cookie cutter etiquette, Invisaligned, Crestwhited, Williams Sonoma registered, Pantone 7507 skin toned, kindly take that to OffBeat Bride or get married in the alleyway of whatever ethnic ghetto you clearly reside in.

    Matey, your wedding should reflect you and your man's, not women who were married years ago and still haunt these threads. 


    So many stereotypes Idont even know where to begin.

    @rodigsorange do you feel sorry for our husbands? Because that would be, oh so, original.

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  • If it ain't white dress, tasteful updo'ed, bleached cookie cutter etiquette, Invisaligned, Crestwhited, Williams Sonoma registered, Pantone 7507 skin toned, kindly take that to OffBeat Bride or get married in the alleyway of whatever ethnic ghetto you clearly reside in.

    Matey, your wedding should reflect you and your man's, not women who were married years ago and still haunt these threads. 
    Tell me more about this.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • If it ain't white dress, tasteful updo'ed, bleached cookie cutter etiquette, Invisaligned, Crestwhited, Williams Sonoma registered, Pantone 7507 skin toned, kindly take that to OffBeat Bride or get married in the alleyway of whatever ethnic ghetto you clearly reside in.

    Matey, your wedding should reflect you and your man's, not women who were married years ago and still haunt these threads. 
    image

  • If it ain't white dress, tasteful updo'ed, bleached cookie cutter etiquette, Invisaligned, Crestwhited, Williams Sonoma registered, Pantone 7507 skin toned, kindly take that to OffBeat Bride or get married in the alleyway of whatever ethnic ghetto you clearly reside in.

    Matey, your wedding should reflect you and your man's, not women who were married years ago and still haunt these threads. 

    image
  • Always remember Matey, it's what the WASPs say that's important for weddings, with little regard for other cultures or background influencing a cultural event. 
    You seem to really like using that word.  May I hear more about your reasoning behind your racial remark?
    Anniversary

    image
  • If it ain't white dress, tasteful updo'ed, bleached cookie cutter etiquette, Invisaligned, Crestwhited, Williams Sonoma registered, Pantone 7507 skin toned, kindly take that to OffBeat Bride or get married in the alleyway of whatever ethnic ghetto you clearly reside in.

    Matey, your wedding should reflect you and your man's, not women who were married years ago and still haunt these threads. 

    This is just so far from the question of kids at the wedding! Why should the OP take this simple question to another forum? Who resides in an ethnic ghetto with alleys?
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