What is the etiquette for an AHR?

butterscotchjbeans

I have never attended one and I only read about them in here.

Is it like a wedding reception without the dress and wedding stuff? Or just a fancy party?

Thanks!

LondonLisa

It should just be a party celebrating a recent marriage. Not "wedding-y": no fake ceremony or vows, no wedding gowns, no bridal attendants or first "dances", no gifts or registries. They are a husband and wife, not a bride and groom. Everyone invited to this party should have been invited to the wedding. The only way one can get away without this if they are having a relatively small wedding and bigger party later. No one wants to go to a party of 100 and find out that 75 of those people were invited to the wedding. 

And definitely have cake (although not a wedding cake)- every party should have cake

artbyallie

I do not get the point. If you have a DW, by default not everyone is going to make it. Having a consolation prize party for the ones who don't is IMO kind of stupid. I got invited to an AHR recently (the couple married on a cruise) and it felt really gift-grabby somehow. I threw away the invitation so I can't remember exactly what made me think that. We declined.

lovegood90

Gift grabby and AWish IMHO, but if done the way PPs said (not a wedding reenactment), technically not against etiquette.

moutonrouge

My parents had one. They got married with just my brother and I as witnesses on a vacation on their dating anniversary. My dad's extended family pressured them to have an AHR 3 months later during a time they would be traveling to our state for another event (stepmoms family lives locally). 

It was pretty AWish and gift grabby; although there was just a big dinner (no dancing) we all got back in our outfits (stepmom wore a tan formal gown, I wore a black formal gown, brother and dad wore tuxes). They registered. They cut the cake (again). They hosted a brunch the next morning as well, but since 90% of the guests were staying in our house I'm not sure they could've avoided that. 

I think if you want an intimate wedding, doing it this way kind of defeats the point, but you can do it in an etiquette correct way. I think AHRs are really only a great idea if you cannot be married in your home state, but don't want to organize and host an out of state party. 

southernbelle0915

Ditto PPs. It's not against etiquette as long as there isn't a bunch of wedding related stuff that makes it seem like a wedding. AND, most importantly, as long as people know it's not a wedding. 

Personally, if the couple is properly hosting it, I'm down to party. But it is a little AWish. It's just like, if this is what you wanted, why not just have it in the first place? Usually the answer is because they're trying to have their cake and eat it too, which gets a side-eye IMHO.

thisismynickname2

Generally I don't have any issue with an AHR that's simply a great party. I wouldn't even mind if the wife wore her bridal gown but that's just me. I think only certain circumstances warrant an AHR... for example, an elopement, or having family spread around the country and many people being truly unable to travel to the actual wedding. 

Here's something I had an issue with. An acquaintance of mine (related to my best friend, which is how I know the gossip) was more or less forced into an AHR by the groom's parents. The bride desperately wanted, and had, the wedding of her dreams in her home state, in a rural area. The pearl-clutching parents were aghast and claimed no one from their family would travel to that wedding, so the couple "had" to have a brunch reception in the groom's home area. 

Because it was known that there would be an AHR, indeed, much of the groom's family didn't travel to the wedding because they didn't have to with the AHR option. We're not talking inability to travel due to money or disability, we're talking snobbish refusal to deign to go to a "country wedding."  The bride eventually said the AHR was a total waste, and I saw the pictures- her wedding looked like something out of a beautiful dream. Snobs be damned.

Maggie0829

southernbelle0915 said:

Ditto PPs. It's not against etiquette as long as there isn't a bunch of wedding related stuff that makes it seem like a wedding. AND, most importantly, as long as people know it's not a wedding. 

Personally, if the couple is properly hosting it, I'm down to party. But it is a little AWish. It's just like, if this is what you wanted, why not just have it in the first place? Usually the answer is because they're trying to have their cake and eat it too, which gets a side-eye IMHO.

This is my feeling on AHRs.  If you wanted the big party then why not just have it in the first place?

climbingsingle

lovegood90 said:

Gift grabby and AWish IMHO, but if done the way PPs said (not a wedding reenactment), technically not against etiquette.

This. 

Jen4948

ClimbingBrideNY said:

lovegood90 said:

Gift grabby and AWish IMHO, but if done the way PPs said (not a wedding reenactment), technically not against etiquette.

This. 

I agree.  As long as it doesn't involve a "ceremony" with a recitation of vows, the bride in her gown, attendants, registries, cake-cutting, first dances, and so on (I do love cake though so I'm okay if there is a cake, I just hate the cutting even when it really is a wedding), then it's not against etiquette.  But if you really want all these things to begin with, why not just have all of them at your wedding with all these people to begin with and skip the "private wedding" or "DW" altogether?  I agree with everyone else that it does seem AWish to have all this if you aren't inviting all these people to the actual wedding.

holyguacamole79

A college classmate had an AHR for family & friends in Texas who weren't able to travel to California for her wedding.  She wore her wedding dress because apparently there were several family members who couldn't travel who wanted to see her in her dress.  It was cocktails and heavy appetizers at a nice restaurant.  They had photo albums of wedding pictures available for people to look through.  It was very nice.

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mrs4everhart

I think AHR's can be as fancy (or not) as the couple hosting it wants, really.

Our AHR we kept super informal. I thought I wanted to re-wear my wedding dress. But in the end decided against it. I didn't want all the wedding trappings and knew that would be unavoidable if I was wearing a wedding dress.

From what I've read proper etiquette states only those that were invited to the wedding should be invited to an AHR. I find that to be one of the most arbitrary waste of a rule that I soundly threw that tidbit right out the window!

We had 15 people join us in Mexico and about 120 for our AHR. We roasted a 150 pound pig and threw a helluva party. If anyone got their panties in a bunch over some disregarded etiquette rule, we didn't notice because we were all too busy having a great time.

I wouldn't side eye anyone for throwing a party. Regardless of the reason. You want to show me a good time, yea, I'm down.

The idea of "well, if that's what you wanted in the first place, why have the DW/elopement/etc" doesn't sit well for me either. I don't see why it has to be one or the other. It can be both if you do it right!

PrettyGirlLost

butterscotchjbeans said:

Thanks! Yeah I see and understand your point. Well my at home reception is more complicated than that. Not gift grabby nope. DH and I will be traveling to Peru where I am from and my grandma wants to have a party for us "newlyweds" and I told her I would help her host it. There is family and my school friends that couldnt make it to the wedding so I'm thinking some celebration, party, cake desserts, drinks and food. No vows or anything like that. Is a toast ok though?

I don't really think so, unless someone else raises their glass and offer you and your DH a brief "Congrats" toast.  No speech, just a quick let's toast the couple.

Otherwise, you, your DH, and your grandmother really shouldn't be the ones to offer the toast. . . because what are you all toasting if this is just supposed to be a party?

KatWAG

mrs4everhart said:

I think AHR's can be as fancy (or not) as the couple hosting it wants, really. Our AHR we kept super informal. I thought I wanted to re-wear my wedding dress. But in the end decided against it. I didn't want all the wedding trappings and knew that would be unavoidable if I was wearing a wedding dress. From what I've read proper etiquette states only those that were invited to the wedding should be invited to an AHR. I find that to be one of the most arbitrary waste of a rule that I soundly threw that tidbit right out the window! We had 15 people join us in Mexico and about 120 for our AHR. We roasted a 150 pound pig and threw a helluva party. If anyone got their panties in a bunch over some disregarded etiquette rule, we didn't notice because we were all too busy having a great time. I wouldn't side eye anyone for throwing a party. Regardless of the reason. You want to show me a good time, yea, I'm down. The idea of "well, if that's what you wanted in the first place, why have the DW/elopement/etc" doesn't sit well for me either. I don't see why it has to be one or the other. It can be both if you do it right!

@mrs4everhart is the last person I would take etiquette advise from. She will make up any excuse in the world to justify her PPD.

mrs4everhart

KatWAG said:

mrs4everhart said:

I think AHR's can be as fancy (or not) as the couple hosting it wants, really. Our AHR we kept super informal. I thought I wanted to re-wear my wedding dress. But in the end decided against it. I didn't want all the wedding trappings and knew that would be unavoidable if I was wearing a wedding dress. From what I've read proper etiquette states only those that were invited to the wedding should be invited to an AHR. I find that to be one of the most arbitrary waste of a rule that I soundly threw that tidbit right out the window! We had 15 people join us in Mexico and about 120 for our AHR. We roasted a 150 pound pig and threw a helluva party. If anyone got their panties in a bunch over some disregarded etiquette rule, we didn't notice because we were all too busy having a great time. I wouldn't side eye anyone for throwing a party. Regardless of the reason. You want to show me a good time, yea, I'm down. The idea of "well, if that's what you wanted in the first place, why have the DW/elopement/etc" doesn't sit well for me either. I don't see why it has to be one or the other. It can be both if you do it right!

@mrs4everhart is the last person I would take etiquette advise from. She will make up any excuse in the world to justify her PPD.

---------------Edited for box-free Friday-------------------

Interesting. I don't need any justification for my wedding firstly, and I have no idea how throwing a party subsequent to it is in any way a justification of it. But I do know I throw amazing parties so I'd say I'm a wealth of excellent advice where that's concerned.

PrettyGirlLost

Many of us know how to throw amazing parties.

I threw a classy, epic fucking wedding reception, which is a glorified party, on the same day as my wedding.  People said it was the best wedding they had ever been to.  I wanted to celebrate with everyone, so I chose to throw my party on the same day.

That's why I don't understand the point of AHR's.  It's totally possible to get married AND have an awesome party all on the same day.  AHR's generally come off to me as gift grabby AWfests for people who wanted an exotic destination wedding AND then also wanted to celebrate (and get more gifts) from even more people.

You are already married OP.  Let your grandmother throw you a party, but just let it be a party.  Bring photos if you have them, but I wouldn't trot them out unless you are specifically asked.

thisismynickname2

For the record, if I was invited to an AHR and not the destination wedding, I certainly wouldn't bring a gift. 

If I'm not good enough to witness your vows, I see no point in celebrating the marriage. I'd show up for free food and booze though. (Exceptions are total elopements and those who just have parents/siblings witness. I'm truly talking about 50-odd people being invited to a DW and 150 to an AHR. No.)

Seriously, if you have to have an AHR for one reason or another, make the guest lists the same for goodness sake. 

lovegood90

Honestly, I still don't get it. Will people absolutely not be able to go on with their lives if they can't celebrate your wedding with you? You and your Fi will always care the most about your wedding, and that's okay. Why can't your wedding day just be your wedding day and those who could make it, great, and let that be that?

Maggie0829

lovegood90 said:

Honestly, I still don't get it. Will people absolutely not be able to go on with their lives if they can't celebrate your wedding with you? You and your Fi will always care the most about your wedding, and that's okay. Why can't your wedding day just be your wedding day and those who could make it, great, and let that be that?

No.  No they will not.  They will sulk around for the remainder of their lives in a deep depression because they missed X's wedding.

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plainjane0415

 

lovegood90 said:

Gift grabby and AWish IMHO, but if done the way PPs said (not a wedding reenactment), technically not against etiquette.

What in your opinion makes it gift grabby?  I ask because my FI and I will be having a DW with only our parents and siblings and then we will have a celebration of marriage party when we return to celebrate with friends and family. We aren't sending save the dates, or anything wedding related in regards to the party, we will just send a regular party invitation when we return home from the wedding.  There will be no wedding recreated, no wedding "traditions" just good food, desserts, and a band. I doubt people would show up with gifts because this obviously will not be our wedding or allude to anything thereof.  I just don't get what makes something like that gift grabby.  I thought parties, as long as there weren't any wedding elements were ok, but now with all of these comments, I'm not so sure.

Maggie0829

plainjane0415 said:

 

lovegood90 said:

Gift grabby and AWish IMHO, but if done the way PPs said (not a wedding reenactment), technically not against etiquette.

What in your opinion makes it gift grabby?  I ask because my FI and I will be having a DW with only our parents and siblings and then we will have a celebration of marriage party when we return to celebrate with friends and family. We aren't sending save the dates, or anything wedding related in regards to the party, we will just send a regular party invitation when we return home from the wedding.  There will be no wedding recreated, no wedding "traditions" just good food, desserts, and a band. I doubt people would show up with gifts because this obviously will not be our wedding or allude to anything thereof.  I just don't get what makes something like that gift grabby.  I thought parties, as long as there weren't any wedding elements were ok, but now with all of these comments, I'm not so sure.

Are you going to state on your invitation "Join us for the marriage celebration of...?"  If so then people will most likely bring gifts.  Typically when you are throwing a large and elaborate party with paper invites, catered food and a band, it is typically for a reason and most of your guest list will assume it is for your recent marriage (if you don't state it as such on your invite) and will possibly feel obligated to get you a gift.  When you celebrate someone or some event in someone's life gifts kind of go along with the territory.

Honestly, I just don't get having a big party after a DW.  If you want to celebrate with all of those people then why have a DW?  Why not just have a big wedding the first time around?

plainjane0415

We personally didn't want to do a big wedding because FI and I were pretty intimidated by the thought of standing up in front of 100-200 people and having all eyes on us.  I know that sounds all freakish, but we both get really uncomfortable in front of crowds.  And we just thought that it would take the pressure off if we did a destination wedding with just our families (there will be 12 of us including FI and I) and then we could just eat (ha) and have a big party when we return home.  It should be said though, that immediately following our actual wedding ceremony we will be having dinner at a nice restaurant.  So, we aren't skipping a reception or anything like that.  Maybe I'm crazy but that's just what we decided.

As far as stating "celebration of marriage" on the invite, I honestly don't know because I have went back and forth with wording of that invite and haven't decided on anything yet.

lovegood90

plainjane0415 said:

We personally didn't want to do a big wedding because FI and I were pretty intimidated by the thought of standing up in front of 100-200 people and having all eyes on us.  I know that sounds all freakish, but we both get really uncomfortable in front of crowds.  And we just thought that it would take the pressure off if we did a destination wedding with just our families (there will be 12 of us including FI and I) and then we could just eat (ha) and have a big party when we return home.  It should be said though, that immediately following our actual wedding ceremony we will be having dinner at a nice restaurant.  So, we aren't skipping a reception or anything like that.  Maybe I'm crazy but that's just what we decided.

As far as stating "celebration of marriage" on the invite, I honestly don't know because I have went back and forth with wording of that invite and haven't decided on anything yet.

So, here is where I get super confused when I hear people who do this because they don't like being the center of attention. The wedding reception is to thank your guests and to celebrate your marriage. You will be the center of attention naturally. The celebration of marriage party will...also celebrate your marriage and you will therefore be the center of attention naturally. If you don't want to be the center of attention, then why are you throwing a huge party to celebrate one of YOUR life events?

plainjane0415

 

lovegood90 said:

plainjane0415 said:

We personally didn't want to do a big wedding because FI and I were pretty intimidated by the thought of standing up in front of 100-200 people and having all eyes on us.  I know that sounds all freakish, but we both get really uncomfortable in front of crowds.  And we just thought that it would take the pressure off if we did a destination wedding with just our families (there will be 12 of us including FI and I) and then we could just eat (ha) and have a big party when we return home.  It should be said though, that immediately following our actual wedding ceremony we will be having dinner at a nice restaurant.  So, we aren't skipping a reception or anything like that.  Maybe I'm crazy but that's just what we decided.

As far as stating "celebration of marriage" on the invite, I honestly don't know because I have went back and forth with wording of that invite and haven't decided on anything yet.

So, here is where I get super confused when I hear people who do this because they don't like being the center of attention. The wedding reception is to thank your guests and to celebrate your marriage. You will be the center of attention naturally. The celebration of marriage party will...also celebrate your marriage and you will therefore be the center of attention naturally. If you don't want to be the center of attention, then why are you throwing a huge party to celebrate one of YOUR life events?

It's not necessarily being "the center of attention" it's the standing up on a podium in front of a lot of people thing that we both aren't crazy about.. If that makes any sense.

plainjane0415

I thought what I was doing was in line with etiquette, which was what FI and I tried very hard to do, but I guess not now?  We in no way want to be the "center of attention" that's not our personalities at all, we just want to be able to celebrate with family and friends. But now maybe we shouldn't do that? I don't know.

PrettyGirlLost

butterscotchjbeans said:

Many of us know how to throw amazing parties.

I threw a classy, epic fucking wedding reception, which is a glorified party, on the same day as my wedding.  People said it was the best wedding they had ever been to.  I wanted to celebrate with everyone, so I chose to throw my party on the same day.

That's why I don't understand the point of AHR's.  It's totally possible to get married AND have an awesome party all on the same day.  AHR's generally come off to me as gift grabby AWfests for people who wanted an exotic destination wedding AND then also wanted to celebrate (and get more gifts) from even more people.

You are already married OP.  Let your grandmother throw you a party, but just let it be a party.  Bring photos if you have them, but I wouldn't trot them out unless you are specifically asked.

Yeah I agree with you. I don't want gifts we will fly back and there is no way we can take gifts in our bags. So nope. Just a celebration.

Well people might bring you gifts if they hear via word of mouth from your grandmother that she is throwing the party for you to celebrate your marriage. . . and that's ok!  She's throwing the party for you, it's not an AHR you are throwing for yourself, if that makes sense.

plainjane0415 said:

 

lovegood90 said:

Gift grabby and AWish IMHO, but if done the way PPs said (not a wedding reenactment), technically not against etiquette.

What in your opinion makes it gift grabby?  I ask because my FI and I will be having a DW with only our parents and siblings and then we will have a celebration of marriage party when we return to celebrate with friends and family. We aren't sending save the dates, or anything wedding related in regards to the party, we will just send a regular party invitation when we return home from the wedding.  There will be no wedding recreated, no wedding "traditions" just good food, desserts, and a band. I doubt people would show up with gifts because this obviously will not be our wedding or allude to anything thereof.  I just don't get what makes something like that gift grabby.  I thought parties, as long as there weren't any wedding elements were ok, but now with all of these comments, I'm not so sure.

It comes off as gift-grabby to me because you are throwing a party yourself in honor of your own marriage, and inviting people to attend whom you didn't invite to attend your DW. . . does that make sense?

In the OP's case her grandmother offered to host a party for her and her DH.  That to me is a bit different and less AW/gift grabby. 

If standing up in front of 100-200 of your friends and family is truly that intimidating and unnerving to you, and you choose to have a small intimate DW, then IMO that's it.  That's the wedding you choose for yourselves.  If you want to celebrate with all these other people, than rather than throwing a party in your own honor after the fact, just invite them to your actual wedding and host them at your actual reception.

The AHR concept is just so bizarre to me because I love my friends and family, but I wouldn't really want to go to a party to celebrate a wedding I wasn't invited to, KWIM?  I just don't get the point.

lovegood90

plainjane0415 said:

I thought what I was doing was in line with etiquette, which was what FI and I tried very hard to do, but I guess not now?  We in no way want to be the "center of attention" that's not our personalities at all, we just want to be able to celebrate with family and friends. But now maybe we shouldn't do that? I don't know.

We've been saying it's technically not against etiquette to throw a celebration of marriage party if you don't have the trappings of a wedding, etc.

I was just saying that in my personal opinion, I don't like them because in my personal opinion, they seem AWish, gift grabby, and like the couple wants to "have their cake and eat it too."

ETA: Basically everything @PrettyGirlLost said above me.

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