What is the etiquette for an AHR?

plainjane0415

lovegood90 said:

plainjane0415 said:

I thought what I was doing was in line with etiquette, which was what FI and I tried very hard to do, but I guess not now?  We in no way want to be the "center of attention" that's not our personalities at all, we just want to be able to celebrate with family and friends. But now maybe we shouldn't do that? I don't know.

We've been saying it's technically not against etiquette to throw a celebration of marriage party if you don't have the trappings of a wedding, etc.

I was just saying that in my personal opinion, I don't like them because in my personal opinion, they seem AWish, gift grabby, and like the couple wants to "have their cake and eat it too."

ETA: Basically everything @PrettyGirlLost said above me.

Gotcha. I understand now. I feel a little uneasy about it now though, because I thought we were doing the right thing. I don't want people to get the wrong impression.

mrs4everhart

plainjane0415 said:

I thought what I was doing was in line with etiquette, which was what FI and I tried very hard to do, but I guess not now?  We in no way want to be the "center of attention" that's not our personalities at all, we just want to be able to celebrate with family and friends. But now maybe we shouldn't do that? I don't know.

Don't let yourself get talked out of throwing a party you've been excited about because there's some off chance someone out there may or may not be confused whether they're being invited to a gift giving event or not. That's just silly.

People who felt inclined to bring a gift to our AHR were thanked in person then thanked again with a lovely TY card. Those who didn't, not another thought was given about it. We didn't want/need/expect gifts at either our DW or AHR. Some gave, some didn't, no offense was intended, none was taken.

We worded our invite "On XYZ date A&B are getting married in Mexico. When they get back, it's time to party." Then the particulars were listed.

Follow common sense regarding throwing a party and enjoy yourself. Life is entirely too short to spend so much time worrying. Particularly about showing people a good time.

lovegood90

plainjane0415 said:

Gotcha. I understand now. I feel a little uneasy about it now though, because I thought we were doing the right thing. I don't want people to get the wrong impression.

If it's the standing in front of people and saying vows that you don't like, could you have a private ceremony (maybe with parents, siblings), and then immediately after have a reception for everyone you want to invite? IMO this makes a bit more sense than hosting a bunch of people on a completely different day.

PrettyGirlLost

plainjane0415 said:

I thought what I was doing was in line with etiquette, which was what FI and I tried very hard to do, but I guess not now?  We in no way want to be the "center of attention" that's not our personalities at all, we just want to be able to celebrate with family and friends. But now maybe we shouldn't do that? I don't know.

Then invite them to your wedding so that they can actually celebrate it with you.
Otherwise there's really nothing for them to celebrate.

PrettyGirlLost

mrs4everhart said:

I thought what I was doing was in line with etiquette, which was what FI and I tried very hard to do, but I guess not now?  We in no way want to be the "center of attention" that's not our personalities at all, we just want to be able to celebrate with family and friends. But now maybe we shouldn't do that? I don't know.

Don't let yourself get talked out of throwing a party you've been excited about because there's some off chance someone out there may or may not be confused whether they're being invited to a gift giving event or not. That's just silly. People who felt inclined to bring a gift to our AHR were thanked in person then thanked again with a lovely TY card. Those who didn't, not another thought was given about it. We didn't want/need/expect gifts at either our DW or AHR. Some gave, some didn't, no offense was intended, none was taken. We worded our invite "On XYZ date A&B are getting married in Mexico. When they get back, it's time to party." Then the particulars were listed. Follow common sense regarding throwing a party and enjoy yourself. Life is entirely too short to spend so much time worrying. Particularly about showing people a good time.

That's not what we are saying at all. ><

Cookie Pusher

I was invited to an AHR once. It was several months after the couple got married. No one attended their wedding because there was a blizzard, so yea, we all were invited to the AHR after that.

I don't love AHRs but I don't hate them either. For me, it really depends on why the couple is throwing the AHR in the first place. Even if it's technically etiquette approved, you can often tell when someone is doing it just to get attention/gifts. Those are cases where I decline.

plainjane0415

 

Cookie Pusher said:

I was invited to an AHR once. It was several months after the couple got married. No one attended their wedding because there was a blizzard, so yea, we all were invited to the AHR after that.

I don't love AHRs but I don't hate them either. For me, it really depends on why the couple is throwing the AHR in the first place. Even if it's technically etiquette approved, you can often tell when someone is doing it just to get attention/gifts. Those are cases where I decline.

To the bolded, yes. I completely agree, and I hope that our party isn't viewed that way because, that's just not the kind of people we are.   The party we are planning is to be casual, but with a large number of people (by large I mean maybe 100).  We will just be sending invites, decorating etc... because.... well... I love to craft.  I'm glad to get everyone's opinion on this, it's definitely something to think about. 

 

Fran1985

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

allispain

I have a variation of the AHR that I've been invited to. The bride was a good friend when we were younger. They're having a family-only ceremony. Then they're having a multi-day destination reception (their words) on the other side of the country in one of their favorite getaway locations. I was invited to that - so it's essentially a DW-AHR, which to me is just so odd.

I know this doesn't really contribute anything to the discussion, but I figured I'd throw it out there and watch the snark fly.

Also, I highly doubt I'll be going to this - you want me to take off work and fly across the country to watch you not get married? For several days? I just don't understand.

plainjane0415

Fran1985 said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

I think you are right. And from my understanding, an AHR is ok etiquette wise if it's a small wedding with a big AHR.  Example, wedding of 15, AHR of 150. Right?

 

ETA: Words

mrs4everhart

Fran1985 said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it.

Wedding = wedding
Party = party

Two separate events. Two separate guest lists.

There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event.

I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

plainjane0415

mrs4everhart said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it. Wedding = wedding Party = party Two separate events. Two separate guest lists. There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event. I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

To the bolded:  I don't agree with that.  I'm in agreeance that whoever is invited to your DW should be invited to your AHR if you have one.  Which is what we will be doing, since our DW will only have our parents, grandparents and siblings in attendance.

PrettyGirlLost

plainjane0415 said:

 

Cookie Pusher said:

I was invited to an AHR once. It was several months after the couple got married. No one attended their wedding because there was a blizzard, so yea, we all were invited to the AHR after that.

I don't love AHRs but I don't hate them either. For me, it really depends on why the couple is throwing the AHR in the first place. Even if it's technically etiquette approved, you can often tell when someone is doing it just to get attention/gifts. Those are cases where I decline.

To the bolded, yes. I completely agree, and I hope that our party isn't viewed that way because, that's just not the kind of people we are.   The party we are planning is to be casual, but with a large number of people (by large I mean maybe 100).  We will just be sending invites, decorating etc... because.... well... I love to craft.  I'm glad to get everyone's opinion on this, it's definitely something to think about. 

 

There's still something tacky to me about a couple throwing a reception after the fact for themselves, especially if most of the people invited aren't invited to the actual wedding.  Or throwing a party for themselves to celebrate their own marriage.

I think it would be far better if this party was offered up to you by a relative, as was the case with OP.

And just to be honest, not trying to be mean, but if a friend got married and I wasn't invited to the wedding, meh.  But if I was then invited to an AHR I would think it was kinda odd.  I'm happy for you, but why would I want to formally celebrate your life event that I wasn't present for?  I'd rather you just invited me over during the holidays.

PrettyGirlLost

mrs4everhart said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it.
Wedding = wedding
Party = party

Two separate events. Two separate guest lists. There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event.

I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

Sure, but an AHR is not just a party.  It's an At Home Reception. . . an At Home Wedding Reception.

Why would you want to host a party in your own honor that celebrates your marriage, and then invite a bunch of people to this party that never saw your actual wedding?

Why would a guest want to go to a party to celebrate a wedding that they never even witnessed?  I just don't get it.

theartistformerlyknownas

mrs4everhart said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it. Wedding = wedding Party = party Two separate events. Two separate guest lists. There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event. I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

Color me shocked.

PrettyGirlLost

plainjane0415 said:

mrs4everhart said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it. Wedding = wedding Party = party Two separate events. Two separate guest lists. There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event. I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

To the bolded:  I don't agree with that.  I'm in agreeance that whoever is invited to your DW should be invited to your AHR if you have one.  Which is what we will be doing, since our DW will only have our parents, grandparents and siblings in attendance.

So then why bother with the AHR at all then?  Just invite everyone to your reception. . . I'm confused now.  I thought you were having a DW because you didn't want to stand up in front of a ton of peoplpe, then a 100+ person AHR?

plainjane0415

 

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

mrs4everhart said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it. Wedding = wedding Party = party Two separate events. Two separate guest lists. There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event. I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

To the bolded:  I don't agree with that.  I'm in agreeance that whoever is invited to your DW should be invited to your AHR if you have one.  Which is what we will be doing, since our DW will only have our parents, grandparents and siblings in attendance.

So then why bother with the AHR at all then?  Just invite everyone to your reception. . . I'm confused now.  I thought you were having a DW because you didn't want to stand up in front of a ton of peoplpe, then a 100+ person AHR?

I guess you are right, but our AHR is not going to be a "wedding reception" it's going to be a party celebrating our marriage with no wedding elements or traditions.

PrettyGirlLost

plainjane0415 said:

 

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

mrs4everhart said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it. Wedding = wedding Party = party Two separate events. Two separate guest lists. There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event. I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

To the bolded:  I don't agree with that.  I'm in agreeance that whoever is invited to your DW should be invited to your AHR if you have one.  Which is what we will be doing, since our DW will only have our parents, grandparents and siblings in attendance.

So then why bother with the AHR at all then?  Just invite everyone to your reception. . . I'm confused now.  I thought you were having a DW because you didn't want to stand up in front of a ton of peoplpe, then a 100+ person AHR?

I guess you are right, but our AHR is not going to be a "wedding reception" it's going to be a party celebrating our marriage with no wedding elements or traditions.

That's still an AHR, sorry.

You are returning from your DW and  throwing a party for yourself in honor of your own marriage.

You're not throwing a Christmas party, or a NYE Party, or a game night get together.  It's a party to celebrate your marriage.

plainjane0415

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

 

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

mrs4everhart said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it. Wedding = wedding Party = party Two separate events. Two separate guest lists. There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event. I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

To the bolded:  I don't agree with that.  I'm in agreeance that whoever is invited to your DW should be invited to your AHR if you have one.  Which is what we will be doing, since our DW will only have our parents, grandparents and siblings in attendance.

So then why bother with the AHR at all then?  Just invite everyone to your reception. . . I'm confused now.  I thought you were having a DW because you didn't want to stand up in front of a ton of peoplpe, then a 100+ person AHR?

I guess you are right, but our AHR is not going to be a "wedding reception" it's going to be a party celebrating our marriage with no wedding elements or traditions.

That's still an AHR, sorry.

You are returning from your DW and  throwing a party for yourself in honor of your own marriage.

You're not throwing a Christmas party, or a NYE Party, or a game night get together.  It's a party to celebrate your marriage.

So then it's not ok to do etiquette wise?

PrettyGirlLost

plainjane0415 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

 

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

mrs4everhart said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it. Wedding = wedding Party = party Two separate events. Two separate guest lists. There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event. I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

To the bolded:  I don't agree with that.  I'm in agreeance that whoever is invited to your DW should be invited to your AHR if you have one.  Which is what we will be doing, since our DW will only have our parents, grandparents and siblings in attendance.

So then why bother with the AHR at all then?  Just invite everyone to your reception. . . I'm confused now.  I thought you were having a DW because you didn't want to stand up in front of a ton of peoplpe, then a 100+ person AHR?

I guess you are right, but our AHR is not going to be a "wedding reception" it's going to be a party celebrating our marriage with no wedding elements or traditions.

That's still an AHR, sorry.

You are returning from your DW and  throwing a party for yourself in honor of your own marriage.

You're not throwing a Christmas party, or a NYE Party, or a game night get together.  It's a party to celebrate your marriage.

So then it's not ok to do etiquette wise?

Technically etiquette wise it's "ok"  but are you reading anything we are saying?

It's kinda weird and pointless, IMO, and it comes off to many people as AWish and gift grabby.

Again, if I was invited to a friend's AHR when I was never invited to the actual wedding, I'd scratch my head and wonder what the point of the party was.  I'm happy you are married but I don't see the point in celebrating an event I didn't actually witness.

mrs4everhart

PrettyGirlLost said:

mrs4everhart said:

Fran1985 said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it.


Wedding = wedding

Party = party



Two separate events. Two separate guest lists.

There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event.

I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

Sure, but an AHR is not just a party.  It's an At Home Reception. . . an At Home Wedding Reception.

Why would you want to host a party in your own honor that celebrates your marriage, and then invite a bunch of people to this party that never saw your actual wedding?

Why would a guest want to go to a party to celebrate a wedding that they never even witnessed?  I just don't get it.


Edited: boxes

I suppose if one were to take the term "at home reception" in its most literal sense, sure.

I think it's a handy acronym and gets the point across on Internet message boards. But these events do not have to play out as a continuation of a previously held wedding reception. In fact, it sounds like they shouldn't (no recreating the original reception: no spotlight dances, cake cutting, etc.) And there's the crux of the matter. If it's a continuation then those things SHOULD be ok. If it's a separate event, they shouldn't.

As to the not understanding the whole concept, that's where know-your-crowd really helps. We knew our crowd would love the party we threw. And they did. There was great food, booze, music, dancing. People were happy for us that we got married. They were even happier to socialize with mutual acquaintances and family. Many who were invited to our DW asked if we were planning a "local thing" bc they were unable to travel.

If there were any people who stayed home because they were bummed they were invited to a party but not the wedding, bummer for them, they missed a great time.

esstee33

plainjane0415 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

 

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

mrs4everhart said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it. Wedding = wedding Party = party Two separate events. Two separate guest lists. There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event. I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

To the bolded:  I don't agree with that.  I'm in agreeance that whoever is invited to your DW should be invited to your AHR if you have one.  Which is what we will be doing, since our DW will only have our parents, grandparents and siblings in attendance.

So then why bother with the AHR at all then?  Just invite everyone to your reception. . . I'm confused now.  I thought you were having a DW because you didn't want to stand up in front of a ton of peoplpe, then a 100+ person AHR?

I guess you are right, but our AHR is not going to be a "wedding reception" it's going to be a party celebrating our marriage with no wedding elements or traditions.

That's still an AHR, sorry.

You are returning from your DW and  throwing a party for yourself in honor of your own marriage.

You're not throwing a Christmas party, or a NYE Party, or a game night get together.  It's a party to celebrate your marriage.

So then it's not ok to do etiquette wise?

I think the entire point of this thread, and everything @PrettyGirlLost has been trying to say, is that it IS OK etiquette-wise, it just seems very AWish and it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, if the entire reason you're having a small ceremony to begin with is to avoid the huge, 100-person spectacle of a wedding. 

Even if you don't call it a wedding reception, it's still basically a wedding reception, you're just inviting a bunch of people who weren't actually invited to your wedding. 

Like, FI and I are going to elope. We're like 99% sure we're not inviting anyone -- not even parents. We're "going on vacation," and we're going to come back married. We may or may not have a small celebration when we get back, but I'm also tied up with this same question -- why? If we want to celebrate with people, why elope? In the end, what I come back to is that the party isn't necessary for me. I'd be perfectly fine with just sending out announcements and calling it a day. What we may end up doing is taking our immediate family and closest friends out to dinner when we get back. But we're talking about, like, 10 people. Not 100. Because the entire reason we want to elope is that we don't want the big party. If you're hosting a party for 100 people when you get back, why not just have a regular ol' wedding, since that appears to be what you actually want to do? 

PrettyGirlLost

esstee33 said:

plainjane0415 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

 

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

mrs4everhart said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it. Wedding = wedding Party = party Two separate events. Two separate guest lists. There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event. I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

To the bolded:  I don't agree with that.  I'm in agreeance that whoever is invited to your DW should be invited to your AHR if you have one.  Which is what we will be doing, since our DW will only have our parents, grandparents and siblings in attendance.

So then why bother with the AHR at all then?  Just invite everyone to your reception. . . I'm confused now.  I thought you were having a DW because you didn't want to stand up in front of a ton of peoplpe, then a 100+ person AHR?

I guess you are right, but our AHR is not going to be a "wedding reception" it's going to be a party celebrating our marriage with no wedding elements or traditions.

That's still an AHR, sorry.

You are returning from your DW and  throwing a party for yourself in honor of your own marriage.

You're not throwing a Christmas party, or a NYE Party, or a game night get together.  It's a party to celebrate your marriage.

So then it's not ok to do etiquette wise?

I think the entire point of this thread, and everything @PrettyGirlLost has been trying to say, is that it IS OK etiquette-wise, it just seems very AWish and it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, if the entire reason you're having a small ceremony to begin with is to avoid the huge, 100-person spectacle of a wedding. 

Even if you don't call it a wedding reception, it's still basically a wedding reception, you're just inviting a bunch of people who weren't actually invited to your wedding. 

Like, FI and I are going to elope. We're like 99% sure we're not inviting anyone -- not even parents. We're "going on vacation," and we're going to come back married. We may or may not have a small celebration when we get back, but I'm also tied up with this same question -- why? If we want to celebrate with people, why elope? In the end, what I come back to is that the party isn't necessary for me. I'd be perfectly fine with just sending out announcements and calling it a day. What we may end up doing is taking our immediate family and closest friends out to dinner when we get back. But we're talking about, like, 10 people. Not 100. Because the entire reason we want to elope is that we don't want the big party. If you're hosting a party for 100 people when you get back, why not just have a regular ol' wedding, since that appears to be what you actually want to do? 

A-Freakin-Men.

And come on, people.  If you have a DW or elope and then come home and immediate have a "party" to celebrate your marriage or just a "party" it's obvious that it's a wedding related party.  Otherwise, why wouldn't you have a party before you get married?  It's just a party, right?

If the true intent of the "party" is that you want to celebrate your marriage with your friends and family then invite them to your wedding and have a reception all on the same day. 

That's what I did.  Because part of the importance of getting married was celebrating it with our friends and family.

mrs4everhart

PrettyGirlLost said:

esstee33 said:

plainjane0415 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

 

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

mrs4everhart said:

Fran1985 said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it.

Wedding = wedding
Party = party

Two separate events. Two separate guest lists.

There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event.

I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

To the bolded:  I don't agree with that.  I'm in agreeance that whoever is invited to your DW should be invited to your AHR if you have one.  Which is what we will be doing, since our DW will only have our parents, grandparents and siblings in attendance.

So then why bother with the AHR at all then?  Just invite everyone to your reception. . . I'm confused now.  I thought you were having a DW because you didn't want to stand up in front of a ton of peoplpe, then a 100+ person AHR?

I guess you are right, but our AHR is not going to be a "wedding reception" it's going to be a party celebrating our marriage with no wedding elements or traditions.

That's still an AHR, sorry.

You are returning from your DW and  throwing a party for yourself in honor of your own marriage.

You're not throwing a Christmas party, or a NYE Party, or a game night get together.  It's a party to celebrate your marriage.




So then it's not ok to do etiquette wise?


I think the entire point of this thread, and everything @PrettyGirlLost has been trying to say, is that it IS OK etiquette-wise, it just seems very AWish and it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, if the entire reason you're having a small ceremony to begin with is to avoid the huge, 100-person spectacle of a wedding. 

Even if you don't call it a wedding reception, it's still basically a wedding reception, you're just inviting a bunch of people who weren't actually invited to your wedding. 

Like, FI and I are going to elope. We're like 99% sure we're not inviting anyone -- not even parents. We're "going on vacation," and we're going to come back married. We may or may not have a small celebration when we get back, but I'm also tied up with this same question -- why? If we want to celebrate with people, why elope? In the end, what I come back to is that the party isn't necessary for me. I'd be perfectly fine with just sending out announcements and calling it a day. What we may end up doing is taking our immediate family and closest friends out to dinner when we get back. But we're talking about, like, 10 people. Not 100. Because the entire reason we want to elope is that we don't want the big party. If you're hosting a party for 100 people when you get back, why not just have a regular ol' wedding, since that appears to be what you actually want to do? 

A-Freakin-Men.

And come on, people.  If you have a DW or elope and then come home and immediate have a "party" to celebrate your marriage or just a "party" it's obvious that it's a wedding related party.  Otherwise, why wouldn't you have a party before you get married?  It's just a party, right?

If the true intent of the "party" is that you want to celebrate your marriage with your friends and family then invite them to your wedding and have a reception all on the same day. 

That's what I did.  Because part of the importance of getting married was celebrating it with our friends and family.



Since this is an etiquette board after all it seems important for there to be ground rules (if you like that sort of thing).

The above is your personal opinion of these types of events, not etiquette gospel.

If the party is properly hosted it seems the Etiquette Gods will not need a sacrifice. Past that it's all just other people's feelings on the subject, not rules pertaining to these events.

Again, if an AHR is a wedding related event, a continuation as it were, why the no this, no that?

I could list things people do with their weddings that drive me bat shit crazy. Doesn't make them wrong though.

plainjane0415

These are all excellent points, and I'm glad to have gotten these perspectives. It helps because most people around me would probably be all "oh that's great! do what you want!" and not give me the real feed back on how they feel about what we are doing.. and I do not want to alienate/potentially hurt my friends and family. I've got something pondering to do, I think. 

***Sorry to hijack the thread***

PrettyGirlLost

mrs4everhart said:

esstee33 said:

plainjane0415 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

 

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

mrs4everhart said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it. Wedding = wedding Party = party Two separate events. Two separate guest lists. There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event. I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

To the bolded:  I don't agree with that.  I'm in agreeance that whoever is invited to your DW should be invited to your AHR if you have one.  Which is what we will be doing, since our DW will only have our parents, grandparents and siblings in attendance.

So then why bother with the AHR at all then?  Just invite everyone to your reception. . . I'm confused now.  I thought you were having a DW because you didn't want to stand up in front of a ton of peoplpe, then a 100+ person AHR?

I guess you are right, but our AHR is not going to be a "wedding reception" it's going to be a party celebrating our marriage with no wedding elements or traditions.

That's still an AHR, sorry.

You are returning from your DW and  throwing a party for yourself in honor of your own marriage.

You're not throwing a Christmas party, or a NYE Party, or a game night get together.  It's a party to celebrate your marriage.

So then it's not ok to do etiquette wise?

I think the entire point of this thread, and everything @PrettyGirlLost has been trying to say, is that it IS OK etiquette-wise, it just seems very AWish and it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, if the entire reason you're having a small ceremony to begin with is to avoid the huge, 100-person spectacle of a wedding. 

Even if you don't call it a wedding reception, it's still basically a wedding reception, you're just inviting a bunch of people who weren't actually invited to your wedding. 

Like, FI and I are going to elope. We're like 99% sure we're not inviting anyone -- not even parents. We're "going on vacation," and we're going to come back married. We may or may not have a small celebration when we get back, but I'm also tied up with this same question -- why? If we want to celebrate with people, why elope? In the end, what I come back to is that the party isn't necessary for me. I'd be perfectly fine with just sending out announcements and calling it a day. What we may end up doing is taking our immediate family and closest friends out to dinner when we get back. But we're talking about, like, 10 people. Not 100. Because the entire reason we want to elope is that we don't want the big party. If you're hosting a party for 100 people when you get back, why not just have a regular ol' wedding, since that appears to be what you actually want to do? 

A-Freakin-Men.

And come on, people.  If you have a DW or elope and then come home and immediate have a "party" to celebrate your marriage or just a "party" it's obvious that it's a wedding related party.  Otherwise, why wouldn't you have a party before you get married?  It's just a party, right?

If the true intent of the "party" is that you want to celebrate your marriage with your friends and family then invite them to your wedding and have a reception all on the same day. 

That's what I did.  Because part of the importance of getting married was celebrating it with our friends and family.

Since this is an etiquette board after all it seems important for there to be ground rules (if you like that sort of thing). The above is your personal opinion of these types of events, not etiquette gospel. If the party is properly hosted it seems the Etiquette Gods will not need a sacrifice. Past that it's all just other people's feelings on the subject, not rules pertaining to these events. Again, if an AHR is a wedding related event, a continuation as it were, why the no this, no that? I could list things people do with their weddings that drive me bat shit crazy. Doesn't make them wrong though.

We all said that etiquette -wise these AHRs are ok, although technically if an AHR really is a continuation of your wedding then it's rude to invite ppl to the AHR that you didn't invite to your wedding.  Same as if it would be rude to invite people to your reception only and not your ceremony.  That would be considered having a tiered event, which is rude.

And since this is a discussion board we are discussing this topic beyond just the realm of etiquette and sharing our opinions of basically, "WTF?  Why?"

Unknown

This content has been removed.

plainjane0415

wo@mrs4everhart, I think that the point that @prettygirllost, and others were trying to make to me was that while not against etiquette, a celebration of marriage party, AHR, whatever you want to call it, might be frowned upon amongst some people if they were not invited to the actual ceremony.  Me personally, I care very much about not making an ass out of myself when it comes to parties/hosting people. 

mrs4everhart

plainjane0415 said:

wo@mrs4everhart, I think that the point that @prettygirllost, and others were trying to make to me was that while not against etiquette, a celebration of marriage party, AHR, whatever you want to call it, might be frowned upon amongst some people if they were not invited to the actual ceremony.  Me personally, I care very much about not making an ass out of myself when it comes to parties/hosting people. 

I think that's why I classified this under "it's best to know your crowd."

If you think hosting an AHR could be a liability within your social group, you probably shouldn't do it.

mrs4everhart

PrettyGirlLost said:

mrs4everhart said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

esstee33 said:

plainjane0415 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

 

PrettyGirlLost said:

plainjane0415 said:

mrs4everhart said:

Fran1985 said:

I thought the etiquette around AHR is that everyone invited also had to be invited to the actual wedding? Otherwise it seems kind of like a second class party to me

For the life of me, I couldn't see the wisdom in this rule. So we ignored it.

Wedding = wedding
Party = party

Two separate events. Two separate guest lists.

There could be an overlap certainly, but I could see no reason at all to not throw a party for a larger group than was invited to a previously held event.

I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter.

To the bolded:  I don't agree with that.  I'm in agreeance that whoever is invited to your DW should be invited to your AHR if you have one.  Which is what we will be doing, since our DW will only have our parents, grandparents and siblings in attendance.

So then why bother with the AHR at all then?  Just invite everyone to your reception. . . I'm confused now.  I thought you were having a DW because you didn't want to stand up in front of a ton of peoplpe, then a 100+ person AHR?

I guess you are right, but our AHR is not going to be a "wedding reception" it's going to be a party celebrating our marriage with no wedding elements or traditions.

That's still an AHR, sorry.

You are returning from your DW and  throwing a party for yourself in honor of your own marriage.

You're not throwing a Christmas party, or a NYE Party, or a game night get together.  It's a party to celebrate your marriage.

So then it's not ok to do etiquette wise?


I think the entire point of this thread, and everything @PrettyGirlLost has been trying to say, is that it IS OK etiquette-wise, it just seems very AWish and it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, if the entire reason you're having a small ceremony to begin with is to avoid the huge, 100-person spectacle of a wedding. 

Even if you don't call it a wedding reception, it's still basically a wedding reception, you're just inviting a bunch of people who weren't actually invited to your wedding. 

Like, FI and I are going to elope. We're like 99% sure we're not inviting anyone -- not even parents. We're "going on vacation," and we're going to come back married. We may or may not have a small celebration when we get back, but I'm also tied up with this same question -- why? If we want to celebrate with people, why elope? In the end, what I come back to is that the party isn't necessary for me. I'd be perfectly fine with just sending out announcements and calling it a day. What we may end up doing is taking our immediate family and closest friends out to dinner when we get back. But we're talking about, like, 10 people. Not 100. Because the entire reason we want to elope is that we don't want the big party. If you're hosting a party for 100 people when you get back, why not just have a regular ol' wedding, since that appears to be what you actually want to do? 

A-Freakin-Men.

And come on, people.  If you have a DW or elope and then come home and immediate have a "party" to celebrate your marriage or just a "party" it's obvious that it's a wedding related party.  Otherwise, why wouldn't you have a party before you get married?  It's just a party, right?

If the true intent of the "party" is that you want to celebrate your marriage with your friends and family then invite them to your wedding and have a reception all on the same day. 

That's what I did.  Because part of the importance of getting married was celebrating it with our friends and family.



Since this is an etiquette board after all it seems important for there to be ground rules (if you like that sort of thing).

The above is your personal opinion of these types of events, not etiquette gospel.

If the party is properly hosted it seems the Etiquette Gods will not need a sacrifice. Past that it's all just other people's feelings on the subject, not rules pertaining to these events.

Again, if an AHR is a wedding related event, a continuation as it were, why the no this, no that?

I could list things people do with their weddings that drive me bat shit crazy. Doesn't make them wrong though.


We all said that etiquette -wise these AHRs are ok, although technically if an AHR really is a continuation of your wedding then it's rude to invite ppl to the AHR that you didn't invite to your wedding.  Same as if it would be rude to invite people to your reception only and not your ceremony.  That would be considered having a tiered event, which is rude.

And since this is a discussion board we are discussing this topic beyond just the realm of etiquette and sharing our opinions of basically, "WTF?  Why?"


So *IF* we're classifying this type of event as a continuation, then should I assume it's okay to have spotlight dances, toasts, bridal party, cake cutting?

In response to the "WTF? Why?" For many of us it created the perfect solution to the inherent issues created by DW's. I know that having one' scale and eating it too is very unpopular on TK. But that just sounds a lot like sour grapes to my ears, arbitrary and misses the point of cake altogether.