What is the etiquette for an AHR?

PrettyGirlLost

Well you are the one that said its a continuation of the DW, I dont think anyone else did. But I think all of those things would be gauche at an AHR and not appropriate. Except a cake.

Whether or not an AHR is truly or technically a continuation of the wedding day itself is just splitting hairs. An AHR is a party a couple is throwing for themselves closely after returning from getting married, abd the point of this party is to celebrate their own marriage. . . many times with a bunch of guests that didn't witness the actual marriage, let alone were invited to the wedding to begin with.

That seems tacky, AWish, and gift grabby.

The nature of DWs is that many times everyone can't make it; but you have a reception for those who can. The nature of any wedding is that many times everyone can't make it, but you don't have a 2nd or 3rd reception with those people after the fact.

We had 20 ppl decline. . . We didn't plan a 2nd reception so we could celebrate with those ppl. We had a reception to thank/ celebrate with the people who actually attended the wedding.

And a reception is not just some party thrown in honor of the couple anyways. . . It's a party hosted by the couple to thank everyone who attended the wedding for their support and presence. Which is another reason AHRs don't make much sense.

mrs4everhart

PrettyGirlLost said:

Well you are the one that said its a continuation of the DW, I dont think anyone else did. But I think all of those things would be gauche at an AHR and not appropriate. Except a cake. Whether or not an AHR is truly or technically a continuation of the wedding day itself is just splitting hairs. An AHR is a party a couple is throwing for themselves closely after returning from getting married, abd the point of this party is to celebrate their own marriage. . . many times with a bunch of guests that didn't witness the actual marriage, let alone were invited to the wedding to begin with. That seems tacky, AWish, and gift grabby. The nature of DWs is that many times everyone can't make it; but you have a reception for those who can. The nature of any wedding is that many times everyone can't make it, but you don't have a 2nd or 3rd reception with those people after the fact. We had 20 ppl decline. . . We didn't plan a 2nd reception so we could celebrate with those ppl. We had a reception to thank/ celebrate with the people who actually attended the wedding. And a reception is not just some party thrown in honor of the couple anyways. . . It's a party hosted by the couple to thank everyone who attended the wedding for their support and presence. Which is another reason AHRs don't make much sense.

No, I never said it was a continuation of anything. What I said was:

"I guess the situation boils down to whether an AHR is a continuation of a wedding or if it's an event with a life of its own. I personally see it as the latter."

I said that because if you (general you) are one to think of an AHR as a continuation versus a party with life of its own, different rules would apply. However subtle they may be.

I think the OP's question has been answered though. She wanted to know about the etiquette related to one of these events. She was given the long and short of it.

It's okay to not understand something or to feel like it wouldn't work for you in a similar situation. I just don't see the point of attaching words like "gift grabby" or "attention whoreish." I'm sure there are plenty of people throwing parties, weddings, etc. with the hope that they receive a lot of gifts. But I don't think the majority of people are acting on that impulse. I think most people throw parties to show others a good time. At least that's why I throw parties. 

I would never look at an invite to an AHR that I wasn't invited to the wedding as "less than." Apparently I'm not that sentimental. I'd just be glad to go to a party to celebrate the recent marriage of my friends/family. I'd go enjoy their hospitality. I wouldn't look for reasons to side-eye, feel slighted, be upset with or just generally be a grumpypants. AHR's are just not that serious. I'd probably even bring a small gift, but I'd do so because I felt like it, not because I know it's proper (like I do with showers/weddings). 

kkitkat79

Are anniversary parties ok? Because aren't these also parties that are thrown by the couple in their own honor? And usually they include people who were not invited to the wedding. What's the difference?

AddieCake

kkitkat79 said:

Are anniversary parties ok? Because aren't these also parties that are thrown by the couple in their own honor? And usually they include people who were not invited to the wedding. What's the difference?

An anniversary party is thrown a year or years after the wedding. There would be no expectation that only wedding guests would be invited to that. The difference is that you are celebrating having been together X years, not celebrating recent nuptials.

MobKaz

kkitkat79 said:

Are anniversary parties ok? Because aren't these also parties that are thrown by the couple in their own honor? And usually they include people who were not invited to the wedding. What's the difference?

I have never attended an anniversary party hosted by the wedded couple.  These parties are typically held to celebrate milestone dates, such as the 25th, 40th, or 50th anniversary.  They have all been hosted by friends or family. 

theartistformerlyknownas

I'll wrinkle my nose at anyone throwing a party in their own honor. Wedding, birthday, anniversary, welcome home, shower, etc. A wedding reception hosted by the couple is different because that's thrown to receive/thank your ceremony guests. I'll go if there's cake, but wrinkle my nose at you.

WinstonsGirl

My Mom threw us an AHR.  We didn't want it and said no for about 6 months.  She wanted a full blown reception (hall rental, dinner, dance, etc.) for everyone who couldn't travel with us, so they could celebrate too.  We finally agreed when it was talked down to a backyard "Meet the Newly Married Couple" open house thing.  

She also wanted our guest list.  I told her only those who are pretty local and were invited to the wedding (i.e., not DH's Aunts and Uncles in Chile since I knew they weren't coming up here).  She thought we would want other people too.  I told her that if you weren't on the original list, I didn't feel the need to celebrate later with them.  

They hosted snacks and drinks (beer, wine, pop, juice, water) and yes we had Cake pops.  It lasted about 3-4 hours in the afternoon and people came and went as they pleased/their schedule permitted.  We never would have giving in if it was anything more formal that this.  

Personally, I don't see the point.  If I can make you DW, I will.  If I can't, then we'll get together later when you're back and you can fill me in on the details and photos, and we can celebrate then.  

lyndausvi

I do not get AHR.   I do not see the point.  I find them AW'ish.   Sometimes you can't make a wedding, local or otherwise.  No need to have multiple  events.    Sure there is some disappointment, but normal adults get over it and celebrate with the couple when they can. NBD.

I like parties.  So if I was invited I may still attend depending on my schedule.

I would so roll my eyes at a bridal dress, repeating of the vows, stopping the party to view videos of the ceremony, bouquet and garter toss and anything called a "first dance" or even parent dances.

Bring on the cake cutting, heck even b-day parties have cut cuttings.   I would be "okay" with a spotlight dance with the couple also long as it's not called a first dance.

Like ANY event, I expect to be feed the appropriate amount of food for the time of day, free beverages, a place to sit, in a comfortable environment out of the elements and of course a bathroom. 

MobKaz

lyndausvi said:

I do not get AHR.   I do not see the point.  I find them AW'ish.   Sometimes you can't make a wedding, local or otherwise.  No need to have multiple  events.    Sure there is some disappointment, but normal adults get over it and celebrate with the couple when they can. NBD.

I like parties.  So if I was invited I may still attend depending on my schedule.

I would so roll my eyes at a bridal dress, repeating of the vows, stopping the party to view videos of the ceremony, bouquet and garter toss and anything called a "first dance" or even parent dances.

Bring on the cake cutting, heck even b-day parties have cut cuttings.   I would be "okay" with a spotlight dance with the couple also long as it's not called a first dance.

Like ANY event, I expect to be feed the appropriate amount of food for the time of day, free beverages, a place to sit, in a comfortable environment out of the elements and of course a bathroom. 

**Steps up to soapbox**
Social media has allowed us the opportunity to make every.single.moment. in our lives an "event"  We are fast becoming a world of attention whoring, self-important creatures who insist on a "pictures or it didn't happen" mentality.  Of course, every person known to us is gong to want to share/relish/savor our moments as well because we are that special. 

kkitkat79

From the sticky: "Okay, I see your point, but I am still really sad that I didn't get to celebrate my marriage with my friends and family in the style that I would have liked to! Luckily, you still have some options. You can have a party celebrating your marriage - just take care to avoid making it look like a stage re-enactment of your wedding. It would be inappropriate to have a ceremony, big poofy white wedding dress, wedding party, tosses, cake cutting or first dances since you were already married. You can, however, throw a big party for everyone you love with a great meal, music and dancing. Invite your guests to join you at a celebration of your marriage, not a wedding. If it's been awhile (normally at least 5 years, frequently 10 or more) you can host a vow renewal." Or does it only apply in cases where the couple is "sad"?

kkitkat79

Double post

CMGragain

OP, here is how you can have your party without causing anyone offense.

 Ask someone else to host it for you.  It can be a relative.  You still pay.  The invitations to your party are issued in their name.  Here is an example:

Mr. and Mrs. John Bridesparents
request the pleasure of your company
at dinner for
Mr. and Mrs. James Newlyweds
(etc.)

You are now NOT throwing a party in your own honor.  Since this is not a part of your wedding in any way, you can invite anybody, whether or not they were on your wedding invitation list.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

AddieCake

kkitkat79 said:

From the sticky: "Okay, I see your point, but I am still really sad that I didn't get to celebrate my marriage with my friends and family in the style that I would have liked to! Luckily, you still have some options. You can have a party celebrating your marriage - just take care to avoid making it look like a stage re-enactment of your wedding. It would be inappropriate to have a ceremony, big poofy white wedding dress, wedding party, tosses, cake cutting or first dances since you were already married. You can, however, throw a big party for everyone you love with a great meal, music and dancing. Invite your guests to join you at a celebration of your marriage, not a wedding. If it's been awhile (normally at least 5 years, frequently 10 or more) you can host a vow renewal." Or does it only apply in cases where the couple is "sad"?

Are you focusing on the throwing your own part? This is the problem with stickies, which most here know I think are stupid. That sticky info represents one person's opinion on the matter (or a bunch of opinions gathered from former responses on the boards and presented by one person). Some would say it's fine to throw your own AHR and some would not. Just because something is on a sticky doesn't make it any more or less true. There are always going to be people who disagree on a topic like this, both here and in everyone's social circles.

PrettyGirlLost

kkitkat79 said:

From the sticky:

"Okay, I see your point, but I am still really sad that I didn't get to celebrate my marriage with my friends and family in the style that I would have liked to! Luckily, you still have some options. You can have a party celebrating your marriage - just take care to avoid making it look like a stage re-enactment of your wedding. It would be inappropriate to have a ceremony, big poofy white wedding dress, wedding party, tosses, cake cutting or first dances since you were already married. You can, however, throw a big party for everyone you love with a great meal, music and dancing. Invite your guests to join you at a celebration of your marriage, not a wedding. If it's been awhile (normally at least 5 years, frequently 10 or more) you can host a vow renewal."

Or does it only apply in cases where the couple is "sad"?

Are you looking for validation for something you plan on doing? Did you read anything that we have been posting?

I don't care what the sticky said, I think AHRs are odd, and tacky and Awish when a couple throws one for themselves.

I don't think it's tacky if a relative offers to throw a couple a party to celebrate their marriage, but I still don't get the point.

Go get married and celebrate with whatever guests can join you for your actual reception.

kkitkat79

PrettyGirlLost said:

From the sticky: "Okay, I see your point, but I am still really sad that I didn't get to celebrate my marriage with my friends and family in the style that I would have liked to! Luckily, you still have some options. You can have a party celebrating your marriage - just take care to avoid making it look like a stage re-enactment of your wedding. It would be inappropriate to have a ceremony, big poofy white wedding dress, wedding party, tosses, cake cutting or first dances since you were already married. You can, however, throw a big party for everyone you love with a great meal, music and dancing. Invite your guests to join you at a celebration of your marriage, not a wedding. If it's been awhile (normally at least 5 years, frequently 10 or more) you can host a vow renewal." Or does it only apply in cases where the couple is "sad"?

Are you looking for validation for something you plan on doing? Did you read anything that we have been posting? I don't care what the sticky said, I think AHRs are odd, and tacky and Awish when a couple throws one for themselves. I don't think it's tacky if a relative offers to throw a couple a party to celebrate their marriage, but I still don't get the point. Go get married and celebrate with whatever guests can join you for your actual reception.

Good job on assuming things. I've been married for over a year now so not looking for validation, definitely not from some internet strangers. I am just pointing out the inconsistency in advice being given. Every single time someone comes here with plans for two weddings the advice is to have a marriage celebration party and refer people to the PPD sticky. However, when the question is how to go about it etiquette-wise the advice seems to be don't do it and who cares about some sticky. Choose one, otherwise what's the point in lurking?

esstee33

kkitkat79 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

From the sticky: "Okay, I see your point, but I am still really sad that I didn't get to celebrate my marriage with my friends and family in the style that I would have liked to! Luckily, you still have some options. You can have a party celebrating your marriage - just take care to avoid making it look like a stage re-enactment of your wedding. It would be inappropriate to have a ceremony, big poofy white wedding dress, wedding party, tosses, cake cutting or first dances since you were already married. You can, however, throw a big party for everyone you love with a great meal, music and dancing. Invite your guests to join you at a celebration of your marriage, not a wedding. If it's been awhile (normally at least 5 years, frequently 10 or more) you can host a vow renewal." Or does it only apply in cases where the couple is "sad"?

Are you looking for validation for something you plan on doing? Did you read anything that we have been posting? I don't care what the sticky said, I think AHRs are odd, and tacky and Awish when a couple throws one for themselves. I don't think it's tacky if a relative offers to throw a couple a party to celebrate their marriage, but I still don't get the point. Go get married and celebrate with whatever guests can join you for your actual reception.

Good job on assuming things. I've been married for over a year now so not looking for validation, definitely not from some internet strangers. I am just pointing out the inconsistency in advice being given. Every single time someone comes here with plans for two weddings the advice is to have a marriage celebration party and refer people to the PPD sticky. However, when the question is how to go about it etiquette-wise the advice seems to be don't do it and who cares about some sticky. Choose one, otherwise what's the point in lurking?

The difference is that AHRs / "celebration of marriage" parties are technically OK by etiquette so long as they're not pretend, do-over weddings. That doesn't mean that some people don't find them to be AWish and distasteful. You will never, ever get a consensus from a random group of people on a message board, because not everyone on earth agrees on things. That's life. It's not that people can't "pick one." 

PPDs are an entirely other matter. AHRs are not the same thing as PPDs. 

lovegood90

esstee33 said:

The difference is that AHRs / "celebration of marriage" parties are technically OK by etiquette so long as they're not pretend, do-over weddings. That doesn't mean that some people don't find them to be AWish and distasteful. You will never, ever get a consensus from a random group of people on a message board, because not everyone on earth agrees on things. That's life. It's not that people can't "pick one." 

PPDs are an entirely other matter. AHRs are not the same thing as PPDs. 

Exactly! This isn't a hard concept to grasp. There's a difference between something being rude/against etiquette and something that people just find distasteful. The past 3 pages of this thread have people explaining this.

esstee33

lovegood90 said:

esstee33 said:

The difference is that AHRs / "celebration of marriage" parties are technically OK by etiquette so long as they're not pretend, do-over weddings. That doesn't mean that some people don't find them to be AWish and distasteful. You will never, ever get a consensus from a random group of people on a message board, because not everyone on earth agrees on things. That's life. It's not that people can't "pick one." 

PPDs are an entirely other matter. AHRs are not the same thing as PPDs. 

Exactly! This isn't a hard concept to grasp. There's a difference between something being rude/against etiquette and something that people just find distasteful. The past 3 pages of this thread have people explaining this.

Technically, I'm well-within the "rules" to wear a hot pink wedding dress, but it doesn't mean that everyone will like it or agree with my decision. 

Technically, gift registries are OK by etiquette, but lots of people still side-eye them. 

PrettyGirlLost

kkitkat79 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

From the sticky: "Okay, I see your point, but I am still really sad that I didn't get to celebrate my marriage with my friends and family in the style that I would have liked to! Luckily, you still have some options. You can have a party celebrating your marriage - just take care to avoid making it look like a stage re-enactment of your wedding. It would be inappropriate to have a ceremony, big poofy white wedding dress, wedding party, tosses, cake cutting or first dances since you were already married. You can, however, throw a big party for everyone you love with a great meal, music and dancing. Invite your guests to join you at a celebration of your marriage, not a wedding. If it's been awhile (normally at least 5 years, frequently 10 or more) you can host a vow renewal." Or does it only apply in cases where the couple is "sad"?

Are you looking for validation for something you plan on doing? Did you read anything that we have been posting? I don't care what the sticky said, I think AHRs are odd, and tacky and Awish when a couple throws one for themselves. I don't think it's tacky if a relative offers to throw a couple a party to celebrate their marriage, but I still don't get the point. Go get married and celebrate with whatever guests can join you for your actual reception.

Good job on assuming things. I've been married for over a year now so not looking for validation, definitely not from some internet strangers. I am just pointing out the inconsistency in advice being given. Every single time someone comes here with plans for two weddings the advice is to have a marriage celebration party and refer people to the PPD sticky. However, when the question is how to go about it etiquette-wise the advice seems to be don't do it and who cares about some sticky. Choose one, otherwise what's the point in lurking?

I asked you a question- implying I didn't know what your deal was with your line of questioning.

Again, did you read anything that was posted?  Everyone said that etiquette -wise an AHR is ok, HOWEVER we followed that statement up by saying that AHRs seem tacky, unnecessary, AWish, and gift grabby as well.

PrettyGirlLost

lovegood90 said:

esstee33 said:

The difference is that AHRs / "celebration of marriage" parties are technically OK by etiquette so long as they're not pretend, do-over weddings. That doesn't mean that some people don't find them to be AWish and distasteful. You will never, ever get a consensus from a random group of people on a message board, because not everyone on earth agrees on things. That's life. It's not that people can't "pick one." 

PPDs are an entirely other matter. AHRs are not the same thing as PPDs. 

Exactly! This isn't a hard concept to grasp. There's a difference between something being rude/against etiquette and something that people just find distasteful. The past 3 pages of this thread have people explaining this.

Thank you, sheesh!