Not Engaged Yet

Trouble - Moving in with his family

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We've never really had a huge fight before, but every time he brings up moving in together it brings on a fight. My parents are very traditional and do not approve of moving in together before marriage. Now, my sister did it and they eventually got over it. But, the main issue is he wants me to move in with him at his home where he lives with his parents. If I am going to move in with him, I want it to be us two only. He doesn't understand that because he says we will be saving up money. He recently told me that if I'm not going to, then we might as well break up now. Which really hurts, considering we have been together for so long. The past few weeks I have been getting more anxiety about it because my sister is getting married in January and I told him if anything, it would be after the wedding so we can get through the pre-wedding months without even more drama. But, as it gets closer and closer I am starting to doubt if I want to move in with his family. I don't want to break up because I love him with all I have.. But I do think it's unfair he is giving me this ultimatum.

Any advice?
Xo
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Re: Trouble - Moving in with his family

  • I would be completely uncomfortable moving in with my boyfriend's parents. You can save just as much money living separate.

    Also, he threatened to break up with you if you did not move in with his parents?! Yeah, not ok. 

    As for your parents, you're an adult and capable of making your own decisions.  If you choose to live with someone before marriage that is your choice.
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    peekaboo2011KeptInStitches
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    That's completely unfair. If you don't want to move in with his parents, then you don't want to move in with his parents.That doesn't mean you don't love him and won't work as a couple, unless he never wants to move out of his parents' place. And if that's the case, you have some serious thinking to do. 

    Unless it is absolutely necessary to your well being/ finances, I would never recommend moving in as a couple with one of the person's parents. Try to have a calm conversation with him about this. Explain your feelings, that you love him , that you would like to move in with him and eventually marry him, but that you don't think it would be a good idea to live with his parents. That you want your own space with him. I don't understand why that would be so upsetting to him? I feel like we're missing part of the conversation.

    ETA: 
    My cousin married a guy. He wasn't great. They got divorced after a year. He wasn't right for her, but part of the problem was they lived with her parents. It caused a LOT of tension. They could never work on problems, because her parents saw the fights and could not forgive him. And they would talk about it with her. And because they couldn't forgive, it made every issue seem magnified. Because, that's what happens with parents. They love their baby, and seeing their baby hurt or in a fight? They're not going to like it.

    Also, when FI and I started dating, we were both living with our parents. We have FABULOUS relationships with our parents, and we get along very well with the other's parents. It was okay. I even was able to get over my fear of having relations (haha) with him at my house. When I moved to go to grad school, he moved with me and we've lived together since then. Had this not happened, we probably would have stayed living with our parents seperately while we saved money, and then found a place together, sans parents.

    Living with them now? After living by ourselves? NO. We get kind of exhausted after spending a weekend at their--either set's-- house. makes us feel a bit like children again, and like we always need to be on perfect behavior, or else we'll get scolded for something. If we were DESPERATE. Like, lost our jobs, couldn't afford rent anywhere, then yes, we'd live with them. But... to willingly do that? NO. 
    stichedwithlovespeakeasy14MoiramabCLoGreenEyes
  • There is not part of the conversation missed. That is what he clearly said to me. It's his way of trying to have control of the situation. He doesn't want to rent an apartment because it is a waste of money to him where he can "save up as much money as possible to put a down payment on a house". I told him that I want to be able to clean my own house, do my own laundry, make our own food, have alone time together and he just says oh we will their never around us anyways.
    I don't mind upsetting my parents about moving in with him, just as long as it's at our own place.
    Every time we hav this conversation it ends up going no where as he won't budge on it. It's move in with his parents and his house, or "break up" as he said. Ugh :|
  • Sounds like he has control/ communication issues and won't compromise. That's not a healthy relationship.
    speakeasy14peekaboo2011
  • do you mind if I ask, how old are you guys?
  • also, see above, I added an ETA to my original post, with annecdotes.
    stichedwithlove
  • We're both 20. I know were young, but since we have been together for so long I feel like moving in together would help as sometimes it feels like we are still in a high school relationship. But, that's not how I want to do it.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2014
    Just like getting married or having a baby doesn't fix things in a relationship, moving in together won't either. And moving in with parents can be incredibly stressful on a relationship. There is a thread on Chit Chat about it, if you'd like to read some other opinions on the subject.

    It's unfair of your boyfriend to give you an ultimatum. And if my BF did that I'd seriously be questioning the relationship. You need to decide if you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is controlling and does't compromise.


    BaytoSA2013
  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I find it odd that he's not looking to move out of his parents house.  I get the whole 'save up faster for a down payment on a house', how long has he been living with his parents, how long has he been actively saving, is there other things that we might not know about (like does he have a large sum of debt)?  If you don't mind my asking, what is your living situation?

    Honestly, I probably would not want to marry a guy until he's lived 'on his own'.  My ex came from living with his parents to living with me.  His mom was a stay-at-home mom who did ALL the housework and he never got a real sense of what all needed to be done to keep up a house; so he expected me to work 40+ hours a week, clean the bathroom daily, keep up on laundry, keep the dishes clean, etc etc etc.  We had other issues and he was not the right guy for me in the end but I think a lot of our problems were caused by him not understanding what it took to run a household (housework wise AND financially).


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  • He actually has quite a bit saved up. He works really hard for his money and does not spend it on much if anything. He just has this feeling of wanting to be 100% financially stable, as he comes from a home where his dad is very lazy after being laid off from a job.
    He is the baby of the family and definitely is a mommas boy which I have explained to him how it can be annoying especially if I move in, I want to be able to help him as well.
    I currently live with my parents as well.
  • AlPacinaAlPacina Portlandia member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    To me he sounds stubborn, but I feel like he's picking the wrong battle. My best advice, because I've been there, is don't give in. Keep strong on your side. And if he decides to break up with you over it, I would suggest not giving in to "save the relationship". Being stubborn is one thing. Trying to control how you live your life is another thing.

  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    Is there a reason why you need to move in together right now? Keep living separately with your parents. He can keep saving money. Eventually, when you have more saved up, and you're more stable as a couple (when you aren't' giving each others ultimatums... at 20!), you can move in together.

    But this idea he has about being 100% financially stable is... wrong. You will never be 100% stable unless you're a multimillionaire... and even then, banks fail. Stock markets crash.

    At 20, it's fine to live with your parents, and it's fine to live together on your own. You can have a good relationship while both living at home. Like I said, FI and  dated for 9 months while we both lived at home. I was 22, right out of college, he was 23, a year out of college working an internship / low wage job. We were in love. We were serious about each other. Then, when the right time came, we moved in together. I would be concerned more about his ultimatum than not living with each other just yet.
  • He thinks my mother isn't letting us live our lives like we want too. She is very in tune with her kids and always keeping tabs on us and it bothers him to the point where he says I need to move in with him to get away from her. But another reason is that he wants to live together before we would get married, as both his brother and sister did as well. (They both lived with their significant others at his house, and his sister even told me not to do it as it did nothing for her relationship).

  • He thinks my mother isn't letting us live our lives like we want too. She is very in tune with her kids and always keeping tabs on us and it bothers him to the point where he says I need to move in with him to get away from her. But another reason is that he wants to live together before we would get married, as both his brother and sister did as well. (They both lived with their significant others at his house, and his sister even told me not to do it as it did nothing for her relationship).
    Do you have a problem with living with your mom? Because if not, then he's full of it.

    And also... when you live with your parents and are dependent on them, of course they are going to be more involved in your life and have things to say about your decisions. That's the nature of parenthood. Maybe flip it around "bf, your parents are just as involved in your life. Why would I leave my parents just to be micromanaged by yours? why don't we just keep things going as they are, and then move in together alone when we're ready. " If he he's not okay with that compromise.... yeah. I'd be very concerned.
    speakeasy14CLoGreenEyes
  • Ollie08Ollie08 Central FL member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    I agree with @lilacck28.

    Also, I suggest you change your sn as it's definitely identifiable and there are crazies on the internet.

    ETF - Typing is hard

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  • He thinks my mother isn't letting us live our lives like we want too. She is very in tune with her kids and always keeping tabs on us and it bothers him to the point where he says I need to move in with him to get away from her. But another reason is that he wants to live together before we would get married, as both his brother and sister did as well. (They both lived with their significant others at his house, and his sister even told me not to do it as it did nothing for her relationship).
    What.

    So, he thinks your mom is so controlling you need to move to get away with her, but if you don't move in with his parents, he's breaking up with you?

    It sounds like he's projecting his controlling tendencies on your mom.  And I would be running.
    This.
    speakeasy14
  • Can I change my name? I don't know how.
  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I'm probably going to sound like a big meanie here but - You're living in a house that isn't yours, so it is your "mom's rule" just like if you moved in with him it would be "his parent's rules".  You're 20 - slow your roll, have fun and be young!!  You should be worrying about taking a fun European vacation before having to become a full-fledged adult with a 9-5 40+-hour-a-week job! 

    My niece is your age.  She's in college right now (I'm not sure what you and your BF are doing).  She recently moved out and now is both working full time and a full time college student.  She even has said that she wished she would have listened to all of us about 'growing up too fast' and wishes she would have stayed living with her mom.  She sees all of her friends going out and having fun, but she doesn't have time (or even $ to do that).

    From an outsider's view of what I'm reading - is your BF over protective and afraid you'll find somebody else?  To me (and maybe I'm reading too much into this), it sounds like he wants to be able to keep his eye on you.


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  • speakeasy14speakeasy14 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    Ok, after you shared more information I am going to be blunt.  Get out of this relationship now.

    I was in the exact same situation.  My ex was very controlling and it started as subtle things like, you shouldn't wear your hair like that, you should spend more time with me... and eventually turned into me having no friends and someone tracking my every move and becoming violent with anyone who tried to talk to me.  I was with my ex for three years before he started showing signs of being a controlling person, and by then I was so in love that I ignored the signs and made excuses for his behavior, and was with him for another 3 years after that. 

    I had family and friends telling me to get away from him, but instead of listening, I turned away from them.  He would make me believe that my family and friends were the controlling ones.   That relationship ended after I turned 21 and was accepted to a school 5 states away.  As soon as I was able to distance myself from him, I saw all the pain he put me through.  

    Do not move in with him.  Anyone who says your mother is controlling and you need to get away from her, is trying to control you.  I know how hard it is to get away from someone you love, but it better to do so now before the situation escalates. 

    *eta I will share more through pm if you would like
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  • Don't do it. I almost did the same thing, and I am SO GLAD I didn't. I'll PM you after I'm off work, OP. I can relate a little to your situation. But you already sound very uncomfortable with this arrangement, and that's more than enough to say no.

    To change your username, I believe you PM @knotporscha.
  • Yeah, his ultimatum really makes no sense. At all. It even sounds like a creepy cult initiation: "You must live with me and my parents before we can be married or go out in the world on our own"

    (I'm not saying your BF's family is a creepy cult... but anything that sounds close to cult-like is something that needs to be seriously examined)
  • edited November 2014
    Well, I do agree to an extent that my mother is a little crazy. She is the reason why my sister moved out in the first place. I feel as though if I move in with him and his family, it will make my parents think they aren't good parents. They are. That's another reason j don't want to do it.

    I'm scared to have this conversation with him. Besides this, everything just seems so great in our relationship. I guess if j really look at it, there are other subtle things that he does to try to control me. But I always just thought it was because of a previous bad relationship he had.
    I am ashamed though, with myself, because the way he acts makes me act that way sometimes too.
    (Meaning, checking my phone, asking if I talked to any guys that day, not letting me wear yoga pants (lol), but because he does this all the time makes me feel like I need to ask if he's talked to any girls or anything of the sort.) I'm not a crazy GF either lol
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    A previous bad relationship caused controlling behavior? You're 20, and have been dating for 4 1/2 years. So, this bad relationship was from when he was at most 15? Think about that.
    Well, I do agree to an extent that my mother is a little crazy. She is the reason why my sister moved out in the first place. I feel as though if I move in with him and his family, it will make my parents think they aren't good parents. They are. That's another reason j don't want to do it. I'm scared to have this conversation with him. Besides this, everything just seems so great in our relationship. I guess if j really look at it, there are other subtle things that he does to try to control me. But I always just thought it was because of a previous bad relationship he had. I am ashamed though, with myself, because the way he acts makes me act that way sometimes too. (Meaning, checking my phone, asking if I talked to any guys that day, not letting me wear yoga pants (lol), but because he does this all the time makes me feel like I need to ask if he's talked to any girls or anything of the sort.) I'm not a crazy GF either lol

    peekaboo2011GoldenPenguinspeakeasy14
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    If your mother is driving you nuts (and by nuts, I mean, causing real emotional distress, not "I don't want to wash my dishes like that.") , and you have the means to support yourself, then move out and find an apartment. Don't move in with your bf's parents.
    CLoGreenEyes
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    also... I didn't finish reading your above post before I commented but... not allowing you to wear yoga pants? huh? Asking if you talked to a man? Men, who take up 50% of the population? What??

    That's either
     1. controlling, scary behavior
    2. paranoia / insecurity that he'll need to resolve without taking it out on you
    or
     3. you guys have watched too many movies and believed them. these types of dramatics = high school silly drama pretending to be a deep all consuming relationship. Twilight/ 50 shades in real life is abusive.

  • GoldenPenguinGoldenPenguin Upstate NY mod
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its
    Well, I do agree to an extent that my mother is a little crazy. She is the reason why my sister moved out in the first place. I feel as though if I move in with him and his family, it will make my parents think they aren't good parents. They are. That's another reason j don't want to do it. I'm scared to have this conversation with him. Besides this, everything just seems so great in our relationship. I guess if j really look at it, there are other subtle things that he does to try to control me. But I always just thought it was because of a previous bad relationship he had. I am ashamed though, with myself, because the way he acts makes me act that way sometimes too. (Meaning, checking my phone, asking if I talked to any guys that day, not letting me wear yoga pants (lol), but because he does this all the time makes me feel like I need to ask if he's talked to any girls or anything of the sort.) I'm not a crazy GF either lol
    I hate to break it to you, but your relationship is not "great." 

    And this is not "lol" worthy. It's not funny. It's fucked up. 

    You're 20 years old. You deserve better than this. 



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    peekaboo2011speakeasy14CLoGreenEyes[Deleted User]
  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    Well, I do agree to an extent that my mother is a little crazy. She is the reason why my sister moved out in the first place. I feel as though if I move in with him and his family, it will make my parents think they aren't good parents. They are. That's another reason j don't want to do it. I'm scared to have this conversation with him. Besides this, everything just seems so great in our relationship. I guess if j really look at it, there are other subtle things that he does to try to control me. But I always just thought it was because of a previous bad relationship he had. I am ashamed though, with myself, because the way he acts makes me act that way sometimes too. (Meaning, checking my phone, asking if I talked to any guys that day, not letting me wear yoga pants (lol), but because he does this all the time makes me feel like I need to ask if he's talked to any girls or anything of the sort.) I'm not a crazy GF either lol
    All three of these things are very concerning.

    The bolded and italicized - WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.  
    I french with my man
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