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Trouble - Moving in with his family

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Re: Trouble - Moving in with his family

  • Thank you ladies for all genuinely caring for my well being.
  • Regarding the military part, we actually had an agreement on it. He didn't tell me I have to marry him, it was mutual.

    Because, clearly, I haven't really looked at my relationship frim a different point of view.

    I do think it's a good thing he didn't join.
  • eilis1228 said:
    I have to agree with most of the PP's here. He's way too controlling of you, and it sounds like he's potentially emotionally abusive. The ultimatum itself is a huge red flag, but with everything else you've said, I'd RUN as fast as I could from that relationship. You're 20. You have so much life to live. You mentioned if he went into the military you'd get married. What?! You wouldn't even be able to drink at your own wedding. You both need to slow down and enjoy life. You both need to mature a bit more emotionally as well before you even consider getting more serious. A healthy relationship does not make you feel less than. A healthy relationship will make you feel like a better person. You need to find your equal, not an authority figure. Ultimatums are not a sign of a healthy relationship. Dictating what you can and can't wear is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Asking who you've talked to throughout the day is not a sign of a healthy relationship. My advice is to get out now and spend some time learning about yourself and enjoy being young and single. 
    This.  So much this.

    Before I met Mr. Historian, I had really bad luck with dating manipulative, controlling guys.  The worst was the guy we now refer to as "The Asshole," because I don't even want to say his name.  We only dated for about 4 months, but in that 4 months he isolated me from my friends (to the point which I dropped out as a BM in my friend's wedding because he said she "wasn't good enough" for me to be friends with...something I still very much regret).  He also convinced me to change my hair color, put words in my mouth, and tried to keep me from my family (example: my sister's wedding happened to fall on his birthday...near the end of the reception he took me out to the parking lot of the church and yelled at me for not acknowledging his special day and tried to convince me to leave my sister's reception.)  He also tried to have me involuntarily committed for psychiatric treatment and told me I was "crazy" on a routine basis.  (I have a documented mental illness, and at the time it was not being especially well-managed, in part because of the stress from the relationship.)

    One of the things I love most about Mr. Historian is that he would never tell me what to do.  With his love, I've developed into an independent and strong version of myself.  That doesn't mean that I don't do things because he likes them...quite the opposite.  He loves my hair long; I keep it long, but if I was to chop it all off tomorrow, he wouldn't say a word.  If I ask him to glance at my phone, he hands it to me instead.  And the only thing he says when I wear yoga pants (at home or in public) is "Damn.  Your ass!"

    Like @ellis1228 said, a relationship should not make you feel less than anything.  Healthy relationships mean that you prioritize each other and seek to build the other up.  It took me until I was 25 to realize this, and even now, at 28 sometimes I have to remind myself that being happy in a relationship is something that I deserve.  OP, I'd encourage you to really sit down (by yourself) and think about what you deserve and what you really want out of a relationship.  And I concur with PPs who are encouraging you to get out.  I know how much easier said than done that is...in the end, the Asshole broke up with me because, even after all his manipulation, I wasn't the perfect puppet that he wanted.  It nearly drove me over the edge.  And nobody deserves to be that miserable.

    Also, as an aside: I would NEVER move in with an SO if they were still living with their parents unless there were crazy extenuating circumstances.  My family is incredibly laid back and generous and easy to live with and kind...but just no.
    eilis1228CLoGreenEyes
  • Agree with PPs and wanted to add that I had an ex who on our second date or so told me he wanted to be exclusive.  I wasn't there yet so I said I would rather wait until we knew each other better but that I wasn't sleeping around or anything (or with him).  He told me point blank "I'll only ask once.  Either be exclusive with me or I won't ever ask you again."  I was young so I fell for it and clearly it didn't work out (he, surprise, surprise, ended up being a jerk and manipulative).  Don't fall for manipulation.

  • I guess why it's taken me so long to really see all the controlling and manipulation is because I keep to myself. I don't talk about my feelings. So, Even posting on this was a huge deal for me. And I really have taken to heart every single word you guys have said. This is my only real relationship I've been in so I guess I just took to the submissive role in it all and figured this is how it's supposed to be.
  • I'm so glad you decided to open up and say something. Like @GoldenPenguin said, a lot of us have been through shit relationships, or were in relationships that had shit patches, and not only did we make it out alive, but we made it out as better people. 

    You're 20. You have so much more life ahead of you. You have so many more people to meet and experiences to have, with friends, with family, and most importantly, with yourself. 

    You've got this. And we've got your back. 
    --------------------------------------------------------------


     
    "You're our early 20's BSC scarecrow. They cower at your maturity." - lennonkdc Anniversary
  • minskat30minskat30 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    ALL the things @GoldenPenguin said above.  And...just to add..the 2+ years I took off dating anyone between my manipulative ex and finding my H were some of the best and really helped me solidify what I wanted and what I didn't want in a relationship.  Sure, I had moments of panic not being in a relationship (I was in my mid-20s at the time and all my friends were marrying) but when it is right to happen, it will.    
    loves2shop4shoesCLoGreenEyes
  • I'm so glad there are some of you who've been in the same exact situation. Too me, besides all those things, he is my perfect guy. But when I look at things closely..)he's not. And it makes me sad because we've had our future plans already set out. So, this very hard for me but I am so glad that I have a support system here.
  • Also, I know he would never hit me. He despises men who are like that.
  • I'm so glad there are some of you who've been in the same exact situation. Too me, besides all those things, he is my perfect guy. But when I look at things closely..)he's not. And it makes me sad because we've had our future plans already set out. So, this very hard for me but I am so glad that I have a support system here.
    I'm proud of you for realizing that he's not the one.  When/how are you planning on breaking it off?  We're here for you!

    I know how hard it is to walk away, but you'll be SO much better off without the emotional abuse.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't have much to add that the PPs haven't already addressed better than I ever could but I'm so glad you posted here and got some responses that have made you aware of how unacceptable your boyfriend's behavior is. Just because he never hits you doesn't mean his behavior isn't abusive. Mental and emotional abuse is a very serious problem and in some ways it can be even harder to address than physical violence because the scars it leaves aren't as apparent.

    Please, stick around and never hesitate to post if you feel like you need some support! We are always happy to help. I also encourage you to reach out to someone IRL. It could be a close friend or a family member but chances are that they have seen the warning signs we've picked up on and possibly more. I know it's scary to leave a relationship after such a long time, and especially when it's all you've known, but know that you deserve better. *hugs*


  • I have no idea how I will do it or when. Obviously in person. I can't think of it right now. Blah!
  • I have no idea how I will do it or when. Obviously in person. I can't think of it right now. Blah!
    One step at a time. When/ where do you expect to see him next?
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Eh. @AlPacina, I definitely think there are things that are not okay in relationships, and people shouldn't have to be TOLD that those things aren't okay.

    OP, hi. You are going through some rough stuff right now, so I think the following information might be helpful. It might not be, but I hope it is.

    1) While saving up for a downpayment on a house is a wonderful thing to do, both of you are still very young. There's no rush to any sort of finish line here; you don't have to purchase a house by a particular age or point in your life. Most people rent apartments before they buy homes as well; you can still save money even while paying rent.

    2) If he wants to save up for a downpayment, that's great. He can say to you, "Blondiegirl, I would like to live at home until I can afford to buy my own place. I would love to live together, but for me, that will mean living with my parents for [time frame]." What's not okay is saying, "Blondiegrl, I would like to live at home until I can afford to buy my own place, and I would love to live together, so if you don't live with me right now with my parents, it's over."

    3) While your parents might be traditional, and that means they don't want you to live with someone until you're married ... I might suggest that they might also be apprehensive about you moving in with someone when you're still very young, and when that person is exhibiting some controlling behavior. Negotiate a bit with your parents; if they're willing to separate their desire for you to wait until marriage to co-habitate from their other concerns, you will listen to their concerns (whether or not you change your actions based on their concerns is different).

    4) I am in a happy relationship where I can wear yoga pants and where my partner does not demand to know who I've been with, who I've been speaking with, etc. That is because you are allowed to wear whatever you damn well please, you are allowed to speak with anyone you damn well please, and even when you are in a relationship, you are entitled to the same amount of privacy you've always been entitled to. Love doesn't mean giving someone access to your texting history in order for them to trust and respect you.

    You are the one who gets to make your choices, no matter what we think, or what anyone else thinks. I just hope that this gives you a little perspective.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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    morphemes
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    phira said:
    Eh. @AlPacina, I definitely think there are things that are not okay in relationships, and people shouldn't have to be TOLD that those things aren't okay.

    OP, hi. You are going through some rough stuff right now, so I think the following information might be helpful. It might not be, but I hope it is.

    1) While saving up for a downpayment on a house is a wonderful thing to do, both of you are still very young. There's no rush to any sort of finish line here; you don't have to purchase a house by a particular age or point in your life. Most people rent apartments before they buy homes as well; you can still save money even while paying rent.

    2) If he wants to save up for a downpayment, that's great. He can say to you, "Blondiegirl, I would like to live at home until I can afford to buy my own place. I would love to live together, but for me, that will mean living with my parents for [time frame]." What's not okay is saying, "Blondiegrl, I would like to live at home until I can afford to buy my own place, and I would love to live together, so if you don't live with me right now with my parents, it's over."

    3) While your parents might be traditional, and that means they don't want you to live with someone until you're married ... I might suggest that they might also be apprehensive about you moving in with someone when you're still very young, and when that person is exhibiting some controlling behavior. Negotiate a bit with your parents; if they're willing to separate their desire for you to wait until marriage to co-habitate from their other concerns, you will listen to their concerns (whether or not you change your actions based on their concerns is different).

    4) I am in a happy relationship where I can wear yoga pants and where my partner does not demand to know who I've been with, who I've been speaking with, etc. That is because you are allowed to wear whatever you damn well please, you are allowed to speak with anyone you damn well please, and even when you are in a relationship, you are entitled to the same amount of privacy you've always been entitled to. Love doesn't mean giving someone access to your texting history in order for them to trust and respect you.

    You are the one who gets to make your choices, no matter what we think, or what anyone else thinks. I just hope that this gives you a little perspective.
    I agree to just about all of this, but while it is off topic and has nothing to do with OP, I wanted to add a caveat to the highlighted... and that is that this is an acceptable action to take if you are trying to fix the trust in a relationship where one of the parties cheated. Or so I've been told (by the internet + one shrink) when figuring out how to help a friend who was in that situation. Though it didn't work. She still didn't trust him. They broke up. So.. shrug.
  • Well, I do agree to an extent that my mother is a little crazy. She is the reason why my sister moved out in the first place. I feel as though if I move in with him and his family, it will make my parents think they aren't good parents. They are. That's another reason j don't want to do it. I'm scared to have this conversation with him. Besides this, everything just seems so great in our relationship. I guess if j really look at it, there are other subtle things that he does to try to control me. But I always just thought it was because of a previous bad relationship he had. I am ashamed though, with myself, because the way he acts makes me act that way sometimes too. (Meaning, checking my phone, asking if I talked to any guys that day, not letting me wear yoga pants (lol), but because he does this all the time makes me feel like I need to ask if he's talked to any girls or anything of the sort.) I'm not a crazy GF either lol
    As others have pointed out, those are huge red flags. You do not deserve to be controlled or manipulated. Controlling someone can be the beginning of abusing that person (emotional, verbal, physical, etc). None of what is is bold red letters is okay. His controlling behavior isn't your fault, don't let him think that it is, or that it's just "because of some bad relationship". I'd seriously encourage you to think about your relationship and his behavior towards you. That doesn't mean that you don't love him, and that he doesn't love you, but it sounds like there's something else going on. And why is he so insistent on you moving in with his family? To isolate you, or get you away from your support system? It sounds extreme, but you never know.
  • +1 to public place. 
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