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Trouble - Moving in with his family

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Re: Trouble - Moving in with his family

  • Um, I would not ever feel comfortable living with a SO's parents.  I personally am extremely weird about having sex when a family member is in a close proximity, so that's part of it.

    Your BF sounds controlling, abusive, and manipulative, and you need to pull a Run Forrest Run ASAP.  He's issuing ultimatums because you don't want to move in with his parents?  Nope.  Not ok.

    I'd break it off immediately.  You're only 20.  You've been with this guy since you were 15.  He's all you know, and I get that it's scary to lose that, but there are better things on the other side.  I PROMISE you.
    GoldenPenguinspeakeasy14peekaboo2011BaytoSA2013
  • speakeasy14speakeasy14 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    Well, I do agree to an extent that my mother is a little crazy. She is the reason why my sister moved out in the first place. I feel as though if I move in with him and his family, it will make my parents think they aren't good parents. They are. That's another reason j don't want to do it. I'm scared to have this conversation with him. Besides this, everything just seems so great in our relationship. I guess if j really look at it, there are other subtle things that he does to try to control me. But I always just thought it was because of a previous bad relationship he had. I am ashamed though, with myself, because the way he acts makes me act that way sometimes too. (Meaning, checking my phone, asking if I talked to any guys that day, not letting me wear yoga pants (lol), but because he does this all the time makes me feel like I need to ask if he's talked to any girls or anything of the sort.) I'm not a crazy GF either lol

    *ugh SITB -- those are all signs of a controlling person.  You need to get out of this relationship. 

    I believe you're not crazy, because I did the same thing.  My ex would demand to see my phone, he knew all my passwords, and he would constantly check everything; so I felt if he could do that, then I should do the same.  No, that is not healthy behavior, there needs to be trust, and there is none in your relationship.  As hard as it seems, you will be better off in the end and deserve so much better.  Get out now.  -- and as I said I've been there, if you need to talk to someone you can send me a pm.
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  • Hummingbird125Hummingbird125 New York member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    OP - I'm busy at work and haven't taken the time to chime in anywhere else, except for right here, because I'm worried about you. I have a sister your age going through a bunch of crap with her ex, so I'm coming at this from my "big sister" point of view.

    Please end this relationship immediately. I know you've been together for a long time and maybe cannot imagine NOT being with him - but the things you've shared here (him checking your phone to see if you've talked to other guys, not "letting" you wear yoga pants, trying to get you to move away from your parents) are NOT NORMAL BEHAVIORS in a healthy relationship. These are huge red flags and indicate that you are in a controlling, abusive relationship that will only get worse over time. You need to end this relationship immediately. If you don't, I can promise you he will get more controlling and likely abusive in other ways as well, and it will only get more and more difficult to get out of the relationship.

    Please please please get out of this.
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    GoldenPenguin
  • You're not allowed to wear yoga pants?  What do you mean you're not allowed?  Are you a child?  Is he fucking kidding?

    RUN don't walk away from this asshole.
    GoldenPenguinKnottie1463426215
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Run Forrest run! This is not healthy and this is not normal.
    GoldenPenguin
  • edited November 2014
    I'm sorry I haven't responded quickly. I'm trying to soak all this in. I really appreciate your help ladies. I'm so emotionally stressed right now. He really is a good guy and I hate to paint him any other way.

    But, I work at a workout facility and we have to wear black active pants and he doesn't like it because other guys will check me out. He's protective is how I have always seen it.

    We both are going to a community college and he was about to join the military and we would've been married already had he. But he decided not to so that we would have a normal relationship. He could've played college sports but didn't because of me. He could've gone away to college but didn't because of me. He could've joined the military but didn't because of me. I feel horrible. I have such a headache. And he has no idea because I've just been starting to think of this constantly the past few weeks.
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Sweetie, a good guy doesn't check your phone. A good guy doesn't ask if you talked to any other guys today. A good guy doesn't tell you you can't wear black active pants or yoga pants, especially when it's part of your job.
    speakeasy14peekaboo2011CLoGreenEyes
  • Okay, is it a joking "damn, your butt looks so cute in those pants! guys are going to check you out. grr... giggle", or is it "I don't want you wearing those pants. I don't care if you're supposed to for work. Guys will look at you, which is not okay"?

    Big difference between the two.
  • Oh, so that's the game he's playing with you?  I could've done XYZ, but I didn't because of you!  So now I have the right to control you!

    Um, not quite.

    He's 20 years old.  He can still join the military or go play college sports. 

    Guys will check women out no matter what they wear, and how dare he tell you what you can and cannot wear.  That's completely and 100% unacceptable.  If I went out in an absolutely tiny miniskirt and a shirt showing extreme cleavage and tits at the ready, DH would not say a WORD.  (I wouldn't, but if I did, he wouldn't say a word.)

    Also, people are complex.  Just because he is manipulative and controlling doesn't mean he isn't a good person deep down, or doesn't have good qualities about him.  I'm sure he does.  My guess is that the controlling tendencies stem from insecurity because some previous girlfriend cheated on him in middle or high school.  He needs to understand that you are going to do what you want to do, and if you were so inclined to cheat on him, it wouldn't matter where you lived or whether you wore a tiny dress & hooker heels or a burqa.  His controlling won't help, and isn't healthy.

    He might have some good qualities, but as someone with absolutely NO skin in the game, I'm telling you...RUN.
    peekaboo2011speakeasy14CLoGreenEyes
  • He's making himself the victim so that you feel guilty.  Don't play his game. He chose not to do those things, you didn't make those choices for him.

    I know it is hard to hear (or read in this case), but you need to stop thinking about how he will react and start thinking about how you deserve someone who trusts you and doesn't try to change you. 
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    peekaboo2011loves2shop4shoes
  • I agree.. I guess it's just so hard because he's all I know. He's been my everything for the past 4 1/2 years and I don't know anything else. I was with him my entire high school career. It's just getting the courage to talk to him about this now. Ugh.
  • I love my boyfriend, and his parents are great, but I would NOT move in with them. We actually both lived at home separately, and then bought a house together, not living together first. But after so long, we pretty much knew how it would go, even though alot of people didnt recommend it. 

    TBH I'd be more worried about all the other things youve written about him that are major red flags. I'd take some time to really think about your relationship before you jump into moving in with him.
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  • speakeasy14speakeasy14 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    I completely understand.  My ex was all I knew through high school and college.  I didn't know better and ignored the signs.  The fact that you're listening shows that you know you deserve better.  Focus on that, and you'll find the courage you need.  
     
    *hugs* image
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    peekaboo2011
  • I'll tell you a true story.  I once dated a guy (briefly) who was SUPER controlling.  He removed every short (above knee length) skirt I had in my closet because he said I "no longer needed them."  He was extremely jealous of every male I spoke with, including college professors, my RA in my dorm, and gay male friends.  I stuck around for a while because he seemed like a good guy.

    He completely isolated me from my friends and it scared me.  Eventually I had the pleasure of getting to know his mother, and saw that the apple did not fall far from the tree.  I had basically moved in with him and his mom during my freshman year of college to take care of him when he had Mono.

    His mom walked in on us having sex one day, and proceeded to call me EVERY name in the book.  She told me I was a whore, only cared about what was between my legs, and if I ever stepped foot in her house again, she'd drag me out by my hair and have me arrested.  She refused to leave the room while I got dressed and saw EVERYTHING.  He was a big dude, about 6'1'' and could bench press over 400lbs.  I was in no way taking advantage of him.  It was extremely traumatic and humiliating.

    Soon thereafter, I called him to see if he was alright and he told me to apologize to his mother because she "really didn't need to see that."  I then realized that at best, he and his mother were total white trash, and at worst, they were completely nuts.  I told him I'd sooner chew off my own arm than apologize to anyone who spoke to me with such disrespect.  And I ended the relationship.

    He ACTIVELY pursued me for SEVERAL months thereafter and had borderline stalker tendencies.  My point here is that if the writing is on the wall and you're being controlled, leave now.  Don't wait for it to blow up.
    GoldenPenguinspeakeasy14CLoGreenEyes
  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
     I'm going to expand a little bit on what @loves2shop4shoes said.

    Don't wait for this to blow up.  Leave now, be proactive.

    You still live with your parents - this is going to be a really positive thing right now.  Tell them what's going on, let them know that you plan on ending the relationship, and why. Tell them when you have. Chances are pretty good they've spotted the concerning behaviors too.

    You don't know if he'll escalate to stalker tendencies, you don't know what he's going to do. People like that are incredibly unpredictable (my ex threatened to drink bleach every time I tried to end the relationship) and it will help to have your parents on your side and prepared to help you handle the situation, should one arise.  If he shows up at your work, let your manager know that he's not welcome and let them handle the situation. 

    (PS - as far as I'm aware, my ex is still alive and never drank the bleach when I finally decided I was done and didn't give a rat's ass if he drank the bleach or not.)
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  • No avoiding him while I'm at work, he has a membership here.

    I definitely need to have a day to myself to cope with everything. I know you are all telling me to leave now, but I need to come to terms with it all first.
  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    No avoiding him while I'm at work, he has a membership here. I definitely need to have a day to myself to cope with everything. I know you are all telling me to leave now, but I need to come to terms with it all first.
    There's a difference between him showing up to use the membership, and him showing up to stalk you.  If he does anything creepy after the breakup, your manager needs to know about it.
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    My FI dated someone in college that was part of his friend group for a few years. His ex that was very dramatic, and FI didn't really enjoy the relationship after a certain point. His ex made him bring him home and introduce to friends and family when FI didn't really want to, and pushed marriage talk and I love yous.  FI's family never liked the ex.

     His ex then threatened to commit suicide every time FI tried to break up, and said no one else would love him or want to be with him. This apparently went on for over a year. FI was miserable and didn't enjoy college all that much as a result. He didn't tell his friends about this, since they were all a part of the same group. He felt isolated. He knew it was weird and not normal and controlling but it seemed too hard to break up and he probably was subconsciously worried about what his ex was saying to him being true.

    He finally was able to do it (break up) when he studied abroad his senior year... going away and knowing he would get distance made it easier. At some point afterwards, his ex did go to the hospital for an overnight stay (maybe there was wrist cutting? I don't know for sure. I'm not sure FI even knows for sure since they weren't together at that point. FI hated talking about it, but I found out about this long relationship he had and I freaked out and demanded he explain it to me, since I didn't know anything about it and I thought it was weird that I would be in the dark about a multi-year relationship) FI says it was a cry for attention. His ex is presumably okay and definitely still alive.

    FI had a great time in Paris and had a love affair with a girl from Australia. Grr. haha. And then, obviously, FI found me. And we're awesome together and getting married in May :) Things will work out.
  • I definitely hear what you guys are saying.
    GoldenPenguinspeakeasy14KeptInStitches
  • No avoiding him while I'm at work, he has a membership here. I definitely need to have a day to myself to cope with everything. I know you are all telling me to leave now, but I need to come to terms with it all first.
    Are you hearing what we're saying? I just want to know that our efforts & advice aren't just going in one ear & out the other. 

    I know you're new, but this is a serious situation, and we are here for you. I know I, for one, am genuinely concerned for you. We'll help, as much as we can. I know people like to come on here & talk about what meanies we are, but we really are a tight-knit community who only wants the best for people here. So please remember that we aren't telling you to break up with him because we want your relationship to fail - we're telling you that for your own well-being, you deserve to be in a respectful relationship. 
    I cosign everything @GoldenPenguin just said.
  • AlPacinaAlPacina Portlandia member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    I'm gonna thow this out, and I can tell now it will be unpopular. I had a bunch of internet strangers tell me to run for the hills because my guy was an emotionally abusive manipulator once. I wrote about an issue on an advice column, and the feedback was almost unanimous that I didn't even realize how much he was trying to control me.

    I didn't break up with him. I stood my ground instead. There were things that came up where I said "If he's really going to stick to this, then I really need to be worried." The difference was, once I completely stood my ground with him, he backed down. It took time, and I cried a lot around then, but we're on the same page now. It sounds to me like you really feel he's a nice guy. He is probably just very immature emotionally, and super insecure. We don't know him. You're still young. He has a lot of growing up to do, but if you let him have his way he won't get any better about it.

    I don't think you should listen to a bunch of people that don't know him when they try and compare him to abusive exes. You don't sound abused to me. But you SHOULD tell him to stop checking your phone. If he doesn't, then leave. You SHOULD tell him you're not moving in with him. If he makes it an ultimatum, choose yourself.

  • AlPacinaAlPacina Portlandia member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    If she tells him to stop and he doesn't, I don't see why she shouldn't leave, as I said. But if she hasn't told him off for his behavior, then she's accepting it and he thinks it's alright.

    I only wanted to say something because I had a bunch of people tell me to break off what is now the healthiest and most trusting relationship I've had. But it took work. I am all for her breaking up with him, especially considering this moving in ultimatum. I just want her to feel like someone is on her side.

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