Wedding Etiquette Forum

I know you will judge, but...

2

Re: I know you will judge, but...

  • arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2014
    OP: God, you're hopeless.

    This is an etiquette board. Not a "I've made up my mind and want people to agree with me no matter what!" board. Honest answers here.
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    PrettyGirlLostnovella1186
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2014
    You're right, we judge you for trying to have a PPD.

    As far as guests go for this reenactment and celebration (that's what it is, not your "wedding"), your dad isn't paying, he gets no say. It's his responsibility to call those 40 people and let them know he made a mistake and invited them without authorization.
  • I only got through the first few posts, but from what I've gathered this is a PPD and she doesn't want to invite people's SOs? I don't think I have anything left to say...

    Formerly martha1818

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  • Why on earth would you be spending money on a wedding and be stressed about it when you're already married? 


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

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    CLoGreenEyes
  • God, you're exhausting.
    You are a charade.
    ohannabelleKauris
  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2014
    So you are telling me, that you would just spend three years apart from your fiancé and soon to be, JUST to make sure your wedding ceremony is your official ceremony. That's beautiful.
    My husband and I were long distance for 5 years. We were long distance the entire 13 months of our engagement. We were long distance the first 8 months of our marriage.

    Absence makes the hard grow fonder. A secret marriage never once crossed our mind as something we'd need or want to do...



    ETA: You don't know people's SOs. You know what? Your friends, your family, and hey, YOU, didn't always know yours either.
    By not inviting them, you're telling people you don't respect them, their relationships or the ones they love, on the day they're supposed to respect yours. Years later some of the people you don't invite will be married and think, "Remember that b*tch that didn't invite us to her attention w**** lie day? Glad we avoided that trainwreck." Oh... wait. Maybe it's doing them a favor then.
    novella1186
  • OP, you needn't uninvite anyone because you haven't invited anyone yet. What your Dad did was rude and unacceptable. When you send out your invites and some folks don't get theirs, they're going to go back to your Dad, who was the one who opened his mouth when he shouldn't have, and he'll find his way under the bus on his own. Not your doing.

    I'm sure you don't want your Dad to look foolish but this situation is of his making. Not your problem.
    aleighbaker
  • Hey, I'm PPD light. I don't care what you do for your celebration of marriage. However, the minute you lie to me, I'm mad. Because loved ones don't lie to each other. And just the fact that you're lying means there's something to hide.
    ^THIS x 1,000,000

    I've flown overseas for a religious wedding that was months after the civil one.  I would be PISSED if I found out they lied to me in order for me to have certain feelings.    My friends have more class and were up front to their loved ones.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    PrettyGirlLostnovella1186
  • So you are telling me, that you would just spend three years apart from your fiancé and soon to be, JUST to make sure your wedding ceremony is your official ceremony. That's beautiful.

    First, to answer your original question... just don't send those people invites.  Most of them will figure it out.  My dad "invited" a few people to my wedding, but I didn't send them invites and none of them showed up. The figured it out.  If they call and ask about it, just tell them "sorry that you were misinformed, but our guest list is limited due to venue and budget constraints".  And have a talk with your father and let him know, very clearly, that he does not have say over the guest list or who is invited. Let him know that he is allowed X number of guests, at your discretion, and that YOU will inform those invited via formal invites. And I'm smartass enough that I would probably tell him that the next person he invites verbally will be taking HIS seat at the wedding. 

    Now...
    A "wedding" is the LEGAL ceremony of marriage... any redo after the legal ceremony is a vow renewal (guest know you are already married) or PPD (if guests don't know you are already married), not a wedding. Vow renewal is generally etiquette approved and acceptable. A PPD, where you are lying to your guests, is not.

    I had 25 guests at my wedding.  It was small, intimate, affordable... and it was awesome.  I don't need to redo it with a big party with a bunch of people to feel that I am really married.  A big ceremony won't add any value to my marriage.  The "wedding" (the legal act of becoming husband & wife), no matter the form (big & fancy, small & intimate, or eloping at a courthouse) is ultimately about the relationship and commitment between husband and wife.  After that legal ceremony, you are married and that should be all that matters.  Yes, it is often something you want to share with those close to you.  But, if you really want them there, there's no reason you couldn't just bring those closest people to wherever you chose to marry, even if that means having just your parents & siblings meet you at the courthouse.  If you chose to do it privately and not include them, for whatever reason, that was your choice.  Sometimes life gives you choices that may not be ideal and you just have to choose which one is easiest to live with.  Many people would like a larger wedding, but they go along with the choices that life provides and maybe that means a small wedding or waiting to get married.  You seem to have chosen that being with your husband was more important than a large wedding... that was your choice.  

    image 

    MGPBriannaRenee91
  • edited June 2015
  • I mean, if invites haven't gone out yet you have no problem. Invite who you want and if dad wants to make himself look like an ass let him.

    Also, just be honest about the whole PPD thing. I have no problem celebrating marriages after the fact, just be honest about it.
    image



    Anniversary
    aleighbakerbutterscotchjbeans
  • Have the wedding that you can afford.

    I don't care if it's a PPD, small ceremony, large ceremony, a ceremony that involves one of those food challenges where you eat a 40 pound steak, or one done in pig latin.

    You clearly cannot afford your plans, so you need to adjust accordingly.
    aleighbaker[Deleted User]
  • Aaaaaaand it gets even  worse because this is a PPD a la the ole Military excuse.

    *yawn*

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    novella1186
  • WRT your dad - tell him straight up no that he can't invite all the people if you can't afford them.  And just don't send out invites to them.  Simples!

    WRT the "PPD" (hate that phrase, by the way, along with the word "tacky").  There is nothing wrong with having the party, really, but please don't call it a wedding.  Why not try having a formal commitment ceremony (something by the Humanists, etc) or a blessing, if you're religious. Say "we already signed the piece of paper that already got us married, but we want to celebrate with you and/or get the marriage blessed." That wouldn't bother me as a guest.  What would bother me is if I was lied to :) If it's gifts, or lack thereof, you're worried about then... gah.  That's not bad etiquette, that's a bad attitude.  

    Think about WHY you want the marriage do-over.  Do you want the centre-of-attention party? If you can afford it, great! But don't call it a wedding.  Is it because of societal pressure or the attitude by some people that a courthouse wedding is less of a wedding than a big bash at a church/hotel? Then recognise it, and don't feed into the Wedding Industry Complex.  You don't need it to get married.

    I kinda get why you're annoyed about the "bashing".  I do get it.  Sometimes it's advice written in a slightly-less-helpful way.  Sometimes, granted, it comes across as bitching "ugh, you're not worth my time" attitude, but if you ask blunt people their opinion (that's meant in a good way, guys.  I quite like it) then you'll get a blunt response. Not condoning it, just trying to help you understand a reason for the less-than-helpful responses.

    Guys, just because she's made other responses on other boards, doesn't make this one any less valid/meaningful. Everyone has family troubles, everyone needs support, no matter the circumstances (coming from a social worker so I tend to see everyone's sides easier).
    aleighbaker[Deleted User]
  • It may be a PPD to you, but to my family it's the real deal. You're no longer giving the advice needed for this post. You're bashing, so go troll Youtube if that's what you're into.

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    sophhabobopha
  • OP, I know you think people are being mean because they're saying things you don't want to hear, and many of them are being blunt (which really should be appreciated, because they're giving you straight-up honesty and solid advice here) but the thing is, whether you realize it or not, they're genuinely trying to HELP you. 

    They're saying, your family will be hurt and angry when they find out you lied (and they will find out) so you need to tell them the truth. They're saying your excuses for lying are not real excuses. They're saying there's no need to spend a ton of money on a "wedding" because your real wedding already happened. These are all very true things. If you take these things to heart, you will benefit. If you get offended, get defensive, attack everyone's advice, and ultimately ignore the advice, there will be some adverse consequences for you. 

    Do you not see that? Do you not see that people are seriously trying to help you avoid the adverse consequences? 
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    theycallmelinzluckysnorkel
  • PPDS are a huge no no you can have a party but it cant be anything wedding related you can have food cake music and decor as long as it has nothing to do with a wedding theme no white/ivory dress nothing that screams wedding

    also if your cousin is invited and shes dating this guy for 3 years you need to invite both as they are a unit 

    anyone with a so if they have been dating 1 year 1 week 2 months they still get an invite 
  • WRT your dad - tell him straight up no that he can't invite all the people if you can't afford them.  And just don't send out invites to them.  Simples!

    WRT the "PPD" (hate that phrase, by the way, along with the word "tacky").  There is nothing wrong with having the party, really, but please don't call it a wedding.  Why not try having a formal commitment ceremony (something by the Humanists, etc) or a blessing, if you're religious. Say "we already signed the piece of paper that already got us married, but we want to celebrate with you and/or get the marriage blessed." That wouldn't bother me as a guest.  What would bother me is if I was lied to :) If it's gifts, or lack thereof, you're worried about then... gah.  That's not bad etiquette, that's a bad attitude.  

    Think about WHY you want the marriage do-over.  Do you want the centre-of-attention party? If you can afford it, great! But don't call it a wedding.  Is it because of societal pressure or the attitude by some people that a courthouse wedding is less of a wedding than a big bash at a church/hotel? Then recognise it, and don't feed into the Wedding Industry Complex.  You don't need it to get married.

    I kinda get why you're annoyed about the "bashing".  I do get it.  Sometimes it's advice written in a slightly-less-helpful way.  Sometimes, granted, it comes across as bitching "ugh, you're not worth my time" attitude, but if you ask blunt people their opinion (that's meant in a good way, guys.  I quite like it) then you'll get a blunt response. Not condoning it, just trying to help you understand a reason for the less-than-helpful responses.

    Guys, just because she's made other responses on other boards, doesn't make this one any less valid/meaningful. Everyone has family troubles, everyone needs support, no matter the circumstances (coming from a social worker so I tend to see everyone's sides easier).
    Actually, it does though.  You can't really seek etiquette advice for planning your own wedding when you are already in fact married. . . and lying to your family about that fact.

    Sorrynotsorry, we aren't really going to help people plan an etiquette approved PPD, because the whole concept is pretty much an oxymoron.

    If she wants to come clean to her family and plan a marriage celebration party, I'm sure we could help her out with her father who is trying to blow up her guest list past what she can afford. . . but by admitting to him that she is already married I suspect his guest list would drop.


    I was fairly in agreement until I got to the last part. This is a community, albeit online, and as such one starts to build a "portfolio" of oneself by the types of questions and responses one makes. The other posts by the OP essentially said: "Screw your relationship! it is my day, and I haven't even met your husband so why does he get to come?!", "I want to not tell my family (READ: Lie) that we are already married" and I that we are all spoilt for having big weddings and couldn't possibly understand the military mentality. 

    Many of us read multiple boards, and when one habitually posts atrocious behaviour, it is hard to not paint a harsh (but accurate) picture of the OP as a person who lies to her family (fact), disrespects relationships of others including other married couples (fact), and name calls when others point out she is already married (fact). 

    OP, my question still stands: What is the benefit of this party? As it stands, you are already married, you cannot afford it and it is only creating family drama. Isn't it high time to call it a day, be honest with your family, and just have everyone over for a casual (non-wedding) party where you can actually afford to host people properly?

    And this^

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    esstee33
  • So you are telling me, that you would just spend three years apart from your fiancé and soon to be, JUST to make sure your wedding ceremony is your official ceremony. That's beautiful.

    First, to answer your original question... just don't send those people invites.  Most of them will figure it out.  My dad "invited" a few people to my wedding, but I didn't send them invites and none of them showed up. The figured it out.  If they call and ask about it, just tell them "sorry that you were misinformed, but our guest list is limited due to venue and budget constraints".  And have a talk with your father and let him know, very clearly, that he does not have say over the guest list or who is invited. Let him know that he is allowed X number of guests, at your discretion, and that YOU will inform those invited via formal invites. And I'm smartass enough that I would probably tell him that the next person he invites verbally will be taking HIS seat at the wedding. 

    Now...
    A "wedding" is the LEGAL ceremony of marriage... any redo after the legal ceremony is a vow renewal (guest know you are already married) or PPD (if guests don't know you are already married), not a wedding. Vow renewal is generally etiquette approved and acceptable. A PPD, where you are lying to your guests, is not.

    I had 25 guests at my wedding.  It was small, intimate, affordable... and it was awesome.  I don't need to redo it with a big party with a bunch of people to feel that I am really married.  A big ceremony won't add any value to my marriage.  The "wedding" (the legal act of becoming husband & wife), no matter the form (big & fancy, small & intimate, or eloping at a courthouse) is ultimately about the relationship and commitment between husband and wife.  After that legal ceremony, you are married and that should be all that matters.  Yes, it is often something you want to share with those close to you.  But, if you really want them there, there's no reason you couldn't just bring those closest people to wherever you chose to marry, even if that means having just your parents & siblings meet you at the courthouse.  If you chose to do it privately and not include them, for whatever reason, that was your choice.  Sometimes life gives you choices that may not be ideal and you just have to choose which one is easiest to live with.  Many people would like a larger wedding, but they go along with the choices that life provides and maybe that means a small wedding or waiting to get married.  You seem to have chosen that being with your husband was more important than a large wedding... that was your choice.  

    I appreciate your advice. I understand where everyone is coming from now. As naïve as everyone is going to think I am for saying this, I honestly thought it would be nice to let our parents think it was our actual first day as husband and wife. Were going to see his parents in two weeks, and I will talk to him tonight about telling them then. My mother and father don't care (I already told them last night because of everyone's responses) and they still want me to continue with the celebration/ceremony. It's not about presents, I don't even have anything in my registry. I just wanted my parents and grandparents as well as his to be there and see us say our vows. I really appreciate the way you presented your opinion, it was straight forward but also civil. I just didn't appreciate how others were approaching this. I never even knew what a PPD was. We'll reorder invitations stating it's a renewal, but I already bought my dress and it's a final sale. So I'm wearing it.

    Thank you
    short+sassyCLoGreenEyes
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