Wedding Etiquette Forum

I know you will judge, but...

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Re: I know you will judge, but...

  • I know its not really the popular opinion, but I don't even have a problem with going to a party after the fact, and I would not have a problem with you wearing your dress.  BUT, just like with any party you have to treat your guests well.  You cannot invite people without their SO's - if you need to then cut in circles but anybody on the list has to be allowed to bring a true SO.  I would be (and had it happen) furious if I found out I was lied to. 

     

    My brother did this and tried to keep it covered up, but of course it came out.  They claimed they got married at the court house because they weren't sure if my grandfather was legal to marry them.  He was and easily could have been confirmed, but they just thought nobody would know.  GF of course asked to have the license so they were outed.  My family had driven about 15 hours for their destination wedding.  I would have probably still went if I knew the truth, but nobody did and its been about 12 years now, and a lot of people still talk about it and are still mad.

  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2014
    At first, I was all, so sorry for having a douchebag dad, then you mentioned the military and you lost all my respect. 
    PrettyGirlLostwrigleyvilleMadHops21
  • I was fairly in agreement until I got to the last part. This is a community, albeit online, and as such one starts to build a "portfolio" of oneself by the types of questions and responses one makes. The other posts by the OP essentially said: "Screw your relationship! it is my day, and I haven't even met your husband so why does he get to come?!", "I want to not tell my family (READ: Lie) that we are already married" and I that we are all spoilt for having big weddings and couldn't possibly understand the military mentality. 

    Many of us read multiple boards, and when one habitually posts atrocious behaviour, it is hard to not paint a harsh (but accurate) picture of the OP as a person who lies to her family (fact), disrespects relationships of others including other married couples (fact), and name calls when others point out she is already married (fact). 

    OP, my question still stands: What is the benefit of this party? As it stands, you are already married, you cannot afford it and it is only creating family drama. Isn't it high time to call it a day, be honest with your family, and just have everyone over for a casual (non-wedding) party where you can actually afford to host people properly?

    The OP might be a selfish cow with no respect for others - I don't know enough about her to be able to judge - but there is always a reason for a bad attitude.  The questions we've both asked are probably the most appropriate way to get some introspective thinking going on here about what's actually important to the bride and her H/FH/family.

    I'm not condoning the lying - I just think that maybe there's a reason for it, and understanding that and then moving forward appropriately is the way to go instead of the bashing, because, let's face it, sometimes it can get a bit bitchy on here.
  • I was fairly in agreement until I got to the last part. This is a community, albeit online, and as such one starts to build a "portfolio" of oneself by the types of questions and responses one makes. The other posts by the OP essentially said: "Screw your relationship! it is my day, and I haven't even met your husband so why does he get to come?!", "I want to not tell my family (READ: Lie) that we are already married" and I that we are all spoilt for having big weddings and couldn't possibly understand the military mentality. 

    Many of us read multiple boards, and when one habitually posts atrocious behaviour, it is hard to not paint a harsh (but accurate) picture of the OP as a person who lies to her family (fact), disrespects relationships of others including other married couples (fact), and name calls when others point out she is already married (fact). 

    OP, my question still stands: What is the benefit of this party? As it stands, you are already married, you cannot afford it and it is only creating family drama. Isn't it high time to call it a day, be honest with your family, and just have everyone over for a casual (non-wedding) party where you can actually afford to host people properly?

    The OP might be a selfish cow with no respect for others - I don't know enough about her to be able to judge - but there is always a reason for a bad attitude.  The questions we've both asked are probably the most appropriate way to get some introspective thinking going on here about what's actually important to the bride and her H/FH/family.

    I'm not condoning the lying - I just think that maybe there's a reason for it, and understanding that and then moving forward appropriately is the way to go instead of the bashing, because, let's face it, sometimes it can get a bit bitchy on here.
    Telling people that their idea is awful and why- Which we pretty much all did multiple times in this thread and her other- is not bashing.  We didn't validate her, so then she got defensive.

    It gets "bitchy" here mostly when ppl assume the tone of our statements.  Being straightforward or even blunt is not bitchy.  Most of us are pretty clear when we are being snarky and actually bitchy, and those posts typically follow a temper tantrum from whomever isn't getting the validation they seek.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    esstee33novella1186wrigleyville

  • So you are telling me, that you would just spend three years apart from your fiancé and soon to be, JUST to make sure your wedding ceremony is your official ceremony. That's beautiful.

    First, to answer your original question... just don't send those people invites.  Most of them will figure it out.  My dad "invited" a few people to my wedding, but I didn't send them invites and none of them showed up. The figured it out.  If they call and ask about it, just tell them "sorry that you were misinformed, but our guest list is limited due to venue and budget constraints".  And have a talk with your father and let him know, very clearly, that he does not have say over the guest list or who is invited. Let him know that he is allowed X number of guests, at your discretion, and that YOU will inform those invited via formal invites. And I'm smartass enough that I would probably tell him that the next person he invites verbally will be taking HIS seat at the wedding. 

    Now...
    A "wedding" is the LEGAL ceremony of marriage... any redo after the legal ceremony is a vow renewal (guest know you are already married) or PPD (if guests don't know you are already married), not a wedding. Vow renewal is generally etiquette approved and acceptable. A PPD, where you are lying to your guests, is not.

    I had 25 guests at my wedding.  It was small, intimate, affordable... and it was awesome.  I don't need to redo it with a big party with a bunch of people to feel that I am really married.  A big ceremony won't add any value to my marriage.  The "wedding" (the legal act of becoming husband & wife), no matter the form (big & fancy, small & intimate, or eloping at a courthouse) is ultimately about the relationship and commitment between husband and wife.  After that legal ceremony, you are married and that should be all that matters.  Yes, it is often something you want to share with those close to you.  But, if you really want them there, there's no reason you couldn't just bring those closest people to wherever you chose to marry, even if that means having just your parents & siblings meet you at the courthouse.  If you chose to do it privately and not include them, for whatever reason, that was your choice.  Sometimes life gives you choices that may not be ideal and you just have to choose which one is easiest to live with.  Many people would like a larger wedding, but they go along with the choices that life provides and maybe that means a small wedding or waiting to get married.  You seem to have chosen that being with your husband was more important than a large wedding... that was your choice.  

    I appreciate your advice. I understand where everyone is coming from now. As naïve as everyone is going to think I am for saying this, I honestly thought it would be nice to let our parents think it was our actual first day as husband and wife. Were going to see his parents in two weeks, and I will talk to him tonight about telling them then. My mother and father don't care (I already told them last night because of everyone's responses) and they still want me to continue with the celebration/ceremony. It's not about presents, I don't even have anything in my registry. I just wanted my parents and grandparents as well as his to be there and see us say our vows. I really appreciate the way you presented your opinion, it was straight forward but also civil. I just didn't appreciate how others were approaching this. I never even knew what a PPD was. We'll reorder invitations stating it's a renewal, but I already bought my dress and it's a final sale. So I'm wearing it.

    Thank you
    Good for you!  Be honest with your families.  People will likely still attend a party to celebrate your marriage.

    However, don't try and have a 2nd ceremony or anything.  Wear your dress, cut and serve a cake, but I'd skip the bridal party, vows, 1st dances, etc.

    Yeah,

    a) good for you for starting the truth-telling process,

    b) I'm glad that your parents still want to celebrate, but

    c) you have to be honest with and host everyone at this later party. And vey few people are going to be thrilled with watching a reenactment of various "first" things that aren't really first, and especially not being asked to buy a dress to be in the bridal party of someone who's not really a bride. So even if your parents still want the whole "wedding" experience, I don't think you should ask all your guests to fall in line with those expectations or hopes. The wedding happened, and you shouldn't pretend it didn't.

    [Deleted User]luckysnorkel
  • WAIT, OP, I'M CONFUSED. HELP.

    You're having a wedding, but you're already married?

    So you already made vows and promises and signed the papers, but you're going to have a ceremony? I don't get it. 

    So you've been legally together for a while, but want to play dress up? Do all your guests know this? Including every family member? Because when Mom and Dad spread the word, that's going to look ugly on your part. Can you explain to me how this will end up looking okay? 
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 
    Funny Awkward animated GIF
  • So at first I was like: image



    But then we got through to  OP and I was like: image
    image
    chibiyui
  • So you are telling me, that you would just spend three years apart from your fiancé and soon to be, JUST to make sure your wedding ceremony is your official ceremony. That's beautiful.

    First, to answer your original question... just don't send those people invites.  Most of them will figure it out.  My dad "invited" a few people to my wedding, but I didn't send them invites and none of them showed up. The figured it out.  If they call and ask about it, just tell them "sorry that you were misinformed, but our guest list is limited due to venue and budget constraints".  And have a talk with your father and let him know, very clearly, that he does not have say over the guest list or who is invited. Let him know that he is allowed X number of guests, at your discretion, and that YOU will inform those invited via formal invites. And I'm smartass enough that I would probably tell him that the next person he invites verbally will be taking HIS seat at the wedding. 

    Now...
    A "wedding" is the LEGAL ceremony of marriage... any redo after the legal ceremony is a vow renewal (guest know you are already married) or PPD (if guests don't know you are already married), not a wedding. Vow renewal is generally etiquette approved and acceptable. A PPD, where you are lying to your guests, is not.

    I had 25 guests at my wedding.  It was small, intimate, affordable... and it was awesome.  I don't need to redo it with a big party with a bunch of people to feel that I am really married.  A big ceremony won't add any value to my marriage.  The "wedding" (the legal act of becoming husband & wife), no matter the form (big & fancy, small & intimate, or eloping at a courthouse) is ultimately about the relationship and commitment between husband and wife.  After that legal ceremony, you are married and that should be all that matters.  Yes, it is often something you want to share with those close to you.  But, if you really want them there, there's no reason you couldn't just bring those closest people to wherever you chose to marry, even if that means having just your parents & siblings meet you at the courthouse.  If you chose to do it privately and not include them, for whatever reason, that was your choice.  Sometimes life gives you choices that may not be ideal and you just have to choose which one is easiest to live with.  Many people would like a larger wedding, but they go along with the choices that life provides and maybe that means a small wedding or waiting to get married.  You seem to have chosen that being with your husband was more important than a large wedding... that was your choice.  

    I appreciate your advice. I understand where everyone is coming from now. As naïve as everyone is going to think I am for saying this, I honestly thought it would be nice to let our parents think it was our actual first day as husband and wife. Were going to see his parents in two weeks, and I will talk to him tonight about telling them then. My mother and father don't care (I already told them last night because of everyone's responses) and they still want me to continue with the celebration/ceremony. It's not about presents, I don't even have anything in my registry. I just wanted my parents and grandparents as well as his to be there and see us say our vows. I really appreciate the way you presented your opinion, it was straight forward but also civil. I just didn't appreciate how others were approaching this. I never even knew what a PPD was. We'll reorder invitations stating it's a renewal, but I already bought my dress and it's a final sale. So I'm wearing it.

    Thank you
    Hi BR- I thought of a few things that might help your situation. Your biggest thing, as other posters have said, is being honest. I like your plan for talking with your parents. Maybe use the upcoming holidays and events to let some extended family members know what's going on. Talk with as many of them in person as you can.

    Invitations- invite guests to celebrate your marriage, rather than attend your wedding. Something like that. This is clear that you still want them there, and that they are still very important to you. 

    Dress- I don't think anyone will mind if you wear your white dress if they already know you're married and know what's going on. I understand wanting the photos in a white gown.

    Ceremony- Did you plan to use a JP of sorts? Just make sure your vows are different than an actual wedding. No "I now pronounce you.." yada yada. That's the part that happened. Maybe look around for cool vow renewal ideas if you're going to go forward in that direction. Keep it light-hearted.

    Dance- You're supposed to steer clear of this one, but I guess it COULD technically be your first dance as a married couple if you haven't been to anything that involved dancing before your celebration day. I don't know the rules here, but if you want the dance, you have to make the call and pray your guests don't roll their eyes. I wouldn't roll mine if I knew you were celebrating your marriage for the first time.

    Bridal Party- Just remember that you're not technically a bride and groom anymore. It might be sad thinking about this for a while, but being husband and wife is pretty awesome, too. Don't select a bridal party, or if you have already, talk to them one on one. I don't think anyone will be too upset about not having to put up money for attire and events if you're straight up with them. they'll still get to enjoy the celebration.

    Showers/Pre-Wedding Events- They also don't really work now. If your family wants the motions of a shower, opt for something smaller with only the people you are really close with. Aunts, siblings, closest girlfriends. I wouldn't extend it to your husband's cousin's girlfriend if you only see them once a year. Just a small get-together. No invitations and such.

    Registry - Not needed. This is the one thing I would probably roll my eyes at. If guests want to bring you gifts, that's up to them! I have a feeling the majority will come with a card or gift even if they know you are married. I think you had said you hadn't begun adding items yet, so maybe just cancel the registry if you had opened one.

    Bottom line is to make sure everyone that is invited knows that you're married. I know you took a lot of heat for something you thought wouldn't be a big deal, so these are some ideas to help you move forward without offending anyone on your invite list. I'm sure someone will chime in if I need corrections to any of the above, so definitely take that to heart as well. Good luck!
    Knottie48804623[Deleted User]
  • emmiejayneemmiejayne member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2014
    PrettyGirlLost said: Telling people that their idea is awful and why- Which we pretty much all did multiple times in this thread and her other- is not bashing.  We didn't validate her, so then she got defensive.

    It gets "bitchy" here mostly when ppl assume the tone of our statements.  Being straightforward or even blunt is not bitchy.  Most of us are pretty clear when we are being snarky and actually bitchy, and those posts typically follow a temper tantrum from whomever isn't getting the validation they seek.

    Edited 'cause broken boxes!
    First bolded - I wasn't attacking anyone, neither was I suggesting it's bitchy all the time. Sometimes it can
    come across as bitchy or hurtful,
    even if you don't mean it that way :) I'm just trying to get people to understand why people react so defensively and/or whiney.  

    Second bolded - I do not condone the temper tantrums! I quite agree, sometimes people can get nasty when they feel like (not that they necessarily are - see point above) they're being attacked or put down.

    Please don't be mad at me! I'm not having a go at anyone!
  • I think all you can do is if those relatives say anything to you about when they can expect an invite just say "I'm sorry but in my dad's excitement he invited more people then we can accomodate and unfortunately we're not able to extend you an invitation." This way you're not saying why you can't accomdate them and kind of throwing dad under the bus but in as pleasant of way as you can. Will there be hurt feelings, of course, but there is no way around that.
  • Telling people that their idea is awful and why- Which we pretty much all did multiple times in this thread and her other- is not bashing.  We didn't validate her, so then she got defensive.

    It gets "bitchy" here mostly when ppl assume the tone of our statements.  Being straightforward or even blunt is not bitchy.  Most of us are pretty clear when we are being snarky and actually bitchy, and those posts typically follow a temper tantrum from whomever isn't getting the validation they seek.

    Edited 'cause broken boxes!

    First bolded - I wasn't attacking anyone, neither was I suggesting it's bitchy all the time. Sometimes it can come across as bitchy or hurtful, even if you don't mean it that way :) I'm just trying to get people to understand why people react so defensively and/or whiney.  

    Second bolded - I do not condone the temper tantrums! I quite agree, sometimes people can get nasty when they feel like (not that they necessarily are - see point above) they're being attacked or put down.

    Please don't be mad at me! I'm not having a go at anyone!
    See, this is a fine example of how tone is misread.  I wasn't mad or picking on you at all! Honest!!

      I was just refuting what you were saying and I was typing in a very calm and relaxed tone, lol.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • See, this is a fine example of how tone is misread.  I wasn't mad or picking on you at all! Honest!!

      I was just refuting what you were saying and I was typing in a very calm and relaxed tone, lol.
    Oh bugger it.  *hugs* all round!
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