LondonLisa said:
Your venue dress code isn't black tie. Your event isn't black tie. And you don't want to force people into black tie. Fi and I go to black tie events regularly and it really is one of my pet hates when people misuse it. I would never automatically assume an evening wedding is black tie. The invitation (Ecru with engraved black calligraphy) and location dictate the level of formality. But if someone puts Black Tie on their invitation, it better be Black Tie. I have never seen "black tie optional" on an invitation but that would scream to me " This event isn't black tie, I have never been to a black tie event, and I just want to pretend to be fancy" But I also agree that I would be frustrated about being in a gown and having to visit stations for my meal. That is very much a suit/ cocktail dress. As it was in the evening, I would most likely dress fancier, but certainly not a gown. I would be embarrassed and leave very early if Fi was in a DJ and I was in a gown at a "black tie" wedding where I had to eat from a station (I love stations and have great fun at them at wedding, but it most certainly isn't black tie!). I would feel so awkward, embarrassed and over dressed. The people that are going to be more casual are going to be casual no matter what. Don't have the extra awkward factor of making the people who know how to dress be over dressed and uncomfortable.
Where is this box going? It's here before I save the comment, I promise.
To the first bolded: I do not think any of our guests are going to assume the wedding is a black tie event. However, many are going to dress in attire appropriate for one. Partially because of the fact that they view it as appropriate/expected to dress in gowns/tuxedos for an evening wedding, but also because nothing else about the wedding (invitations, venue) will signal they should do otherwise. So, even though it is incorrect, FILs are worried about some people feeling underdressed. I want to emphasize that I personally know it is not okay to indicate black tie on an invitation for an event that is not black tie--that has never been the issue. The issue is that everyone else involved with planning does not agree with me and I am having to try to convince them that they are wrong. Regardless, I am confident that no one is going to feel overdressed, unless they decide to wear tails for whatever unapparent reason.
This brings me to the second bolded: That seems a bit extreme--I don't know why anyone would feel overdressed unless they were dressed significantly more formally than other guests and/or the wedding party, regardless of the presence of food stations. Annoyed? Maybe. But again, I understand that it is not proper to indicate black tie. However, a large portion of the people in attendance will be the people I've mentioned that wear black tie to evening weddings just by default--just because you would not wear a gown to a non-black tie wedding does not mean there are not social circles that would. They will not feel awkward or like they stand out, because they will be dressed similarly to most people at the wedding.
Well, your vendors should not be deciding your invitation wording for you, and "black tie optional" is improper as well as confusing to your guests. So I agree with PPs that an insert that details the actual dress code of your venue would be the best way to notify your guests as to what is expected in terms of dress.
As far as convincing your FI and his family of the appropriate wording, I'd tell them, "I don't want to put 'black tie' on the invitations because regardless of what anyone considers 'normal,' the phrase 'black tie' means tuxedos and long evening gowns as well as other expectations that are outside the realm of possibility for our wedding. I'm okay with enclosing an insert that describes the dress code in detail, but since it isn't 'black tie' I'm not okay with calling it something it's not and misleading guests about it." Stand firm.
Why do they want to put Black Tie on the invitations? Do they just want people to dress up? Do they want to show off or something? That's ridiculous. I would not try to rent/buy a floor length gown which I would likely never wear again just to attend a fancy wedding at a country club wear something I already own would be more than appropriate.I know you are trying to fight against their insanity, but perhaps the easiest thing to do would be to pay for the invitations yourself and address and send them yourself. . . would that be possible?
If you want to try and argue with your FIL's here's a list of black tie criteria. . . if your venue doesn't meet all of them, your event is technically not Black Tie:
Event begins after 6pm
High end, indoor venue
Valet service provided by the Bride and Groom
Gloved service
Hand passed hor d'ourves
Top shelf open bar with full wine list and preferably with a sommelier on site to assist with wine choices.
Multi course gourmet level plated meal- generally 5 to 7 courses, and preferably with dual entrees or tableside ordering
Real china, silver ware, glassware, linens, etc
Multi piece live band and and a DJ or secondary performers for when the main entertainment takes breaks
High end decor and custom lighting
Now that said, I don't agree with other PP's opinion on plated vs food station meals. I prefer food stations, I have been to very formal, near black tie events with food stations, and we had them our own near black tie level wedding. I have never found it difficult to walk from a food station back to my table to eat, nor have I ever experienced terrible lines. I like being able to get up from the table and walk around and mingle with people, which happens naturally when everyone else is up getting food. It doesn't happen when you have a sit down, plated meal. Everyone tends to just sit at their tables until the dance floor opens.
Regarding the first point: this is absolutely not about showing off, etc. In their circle, guests are expected to wear black tie attire to any wedding after 6 pm. I think the desire to put "Black Tie" on the invite truly stems from wanting everyone to feel comfortable and avoid anyone feeling underdressed, since most but not all of the guests will dress in black tie no matter what we put on the invitation. However, that absolutely does not make it correct to do so, and that's what I've struggled to convey to them. They think they're offering a service by indicating how most people will be dressed, but I am aware and am trying to convince them that it is not our job to tell anyone how to dress and that it is rude to do so.
In terms of the black tie event criteria--I have explained all of this, but as I said before: I have not been able to find an authoritative source confirming that information, so they aren't really taking it to heart. Also, we'll meet every one of those except the multi-course plated meal, so to the extent they think the rules are "real," they argue that we're close enough. Insert eye roll here.
I will look into the option of paying for the invitations ourselves, though. FI has unfortunately been convinced that putting "Black Tie" on the invite is the right thing to do, so that might be a struggle, but it does seem like the mostly likely strategy to work.
I do agree with you on food stations. I just think they're more enjoyable than a multi-course served meal.
Thanks for taking the time to respond; I appreciate your insight and opinions! Hopefully I can get this figured out..
I totally understand wanting a source so, as a librarian, I'm going to suggest heading to the library and looking for etiquette books if you haven't already. That sort of information is probably there but not something you're going to find online. Or call the library directly and speak to a reference librarian and explain you're just trying to find the etiquette approved criteria for hosting a black tie event. Not the dress code, but the responsibilities of the host in terms of food, time of day, etc. They may have access to resources you wouldn't have thought of.
That's a great idea, thank you! I have an Emily Post wedding etiquette book as well as just a regular book of etiquette, and neither have any useful info, but a library will probably have some other sources and better information.
Maddeningly, all the wedding etiquette I've found always says that black tie is the exception to indicating anything about dress on the invitation, but it never says anything about what your event must include to actually be black tie--the focus is always on the attire. It's quite annoying.
Well, your vendors should not be deciding your invitation wording for you, and "black tie optional" is improper as well as confusing to your guests. So I agree with PPs that an insert that details the actual dress code of your venue would be the best way to notify your guests as to what is expected in terms of dress.
As far as convincing your FI and his family of the appropriate wording, I'd tell them, "I don't want to put 'black tie' on the invitations because regardless of what anyone considers 'normal,' the phrase 'black tie' means tuxedos and long evening gowns as well as other expectations that are outside the realm of possibility for our wedding. I'm okay with enclosing an insert that describes the dress code in detail, but since it isn't 'black tie' I'm not okay with calling it something it's not and misleading guests about it." Stand firm.
This is kind of what I did with my mom when she was *so* insistent on putting "black tie optional" on the invites. I reminded her that it didn't mean anything, and most importantly - that it could unnecessarily cause some people to feel they have to purchase a gown or rent a tux. Since the event isn't truly black tie, I didn't want to cause people to feel they had to unnecessarily spend their money on the proper attire for the event. After saying that, my mom backed off enough to let me take it off the invites.
It's not that I CAN'T walk around with a plate of food in an evening gown, it's that the level of formality just doesn't match. I would never go out to eat at a buffet in an evening gown with my date in a tux. It's just a mis-match on the level of formality and I would feel silly being that dressed up with my hair and makeup professionally done, wandering around with a plate of food and waiting in a line to receive food. Then go drop my plate off at my table and wait in another line to get a drink? Black tie should have table side service.
"Stations" is just a fancy way of saying "buffet".
clearly, everyone would agree that Black Tie weddings shouldn't have buffets. It's really no different. just a fancier word
Actually in my experience, there's a huge difference between food stations and a buffet.
The weddings I have been to that had food stations, including my own, had gourmet level "black tie" food. The food was actually better than most sit down wedding meals I have ever had.
The weddings I have been to that had a buffet had run of the mill, mass produced, catered food. You wouldn't consider it up to the level of a black tie event meal.
Not to knock the buffets or the hosts, but just trying to illustrate that there is a difference in food quality. Food stations are not like what you'd find at the Golden Corral, at least not in my area.
It's not that I CAN'T walk around with a plate of food in an evening gown, it's that the level of formality just doesn't match. I would never go out to eat at a buffet in an evening gown with my date in a tux. It's just a mis-match on the level of formality and I would feel silly being that dressed up with my hair and makeup professionally done, wandering around with a plate of food and waiting in a line to receive food. Then go drop my plate off at my table and wait in another line to get a drink? Black tie should have table side service.
Ok, this makes a bit more sense. I wouldn't go to a buffet restaurant in a cocktail dress, either. Nor would I go to a top steakhouse or 5 star restaurant in an evening gown- too dressy in this area at least.
For me, it's the venue and the type and quality of food that dictate to me how fancy an event is, plus all the other extras (valet service, fine linens, etc) not whether or not there are waiters present bringing me my food. And I don't care if I have to get my own food or someone brings it to me as long as it's good!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
"Stations" is just a fancy way of sayingstyle of "buffet".
clearly, everyone would agree that Black Tie weddings shouldn't have buffets. It's really no different. just a fancier word
FTFY
Stations are a style of buffet, true.
But unlike a traditional buffet, stations are generally staffed and food prepared in front of you. Like an omelette station that will prepare an omelette to order versus walking up to a buffet and taking a pre-made omelette (whatever kind it is) from a big tray.
I'm generally on the side of black tie events being plated, but I do think stations are fancier than buffets due to them being staffed and made to order.
"Stations" is just a fancy way of sayingstyle of "buffet".
clearly, everyone would agree that Black Tie weddings shouldn't have buffets. It's really no different. just a fancier word
FTFY
Stations are a style of buffet, true.
But unlike a traditional buffet, stations are generally staffed and food prepared in front of you. Like an omelette station that will prepare an omelette to order versus walking up to a buffet and taking a pre-made omelette (whatever kind it is) from a big tray.
I'm generally on the side of black tie events being plated, but I do think stations are fancier than buffets due to them being staffed and made to order.
Yes, this exactly.
They usually have meat carving stations, made to order pasta stations, huge dessert stations with gourmet coffee. And the foods they use are fresh, artisan quality. . . same as would be served as a sit down meal in the same venue.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
"Stations" is just a fancy way of sayingstyle of "buffet".
clearly, everyone would agree that Black Tie weddings shouldn't have buffets. It's really no different. just a fancier word
FTFY
Stations are a style of buffet, true.
But unlike a traditional buffet, stations are generally staffed and food prepared in front of you. Like an omelette station that will prepare an omelette to order versus walking up to a buffet and taking a pre-made omelette (whatever kind it is) from a big tray.
I'm generally on the side of black tie events being plated, but I do think stations are fancier than buffets due to them being staffed and made to order.
Yes, this exactly.
They usually have meat carving stations, made to order pasta stations, huge dessert stations with gourmet coffee. And the foods they use are fresh, artisan quality. . . same as would be served as a sit down meal in the same venue.
All of this. We had stations at our wedding and each station was manned by two chef attendants who carved the meat, made the pasta to order, tossed salad with the chosen add ins and dressing, etc.
Buffets are a line of chafing dishes that are either serve yourself or have an attendant who will spoon some of whatever is being served on your dish.
Ok, this makes a bit more sense. I wouldn't go to a buffet restaurant in a cocktail dress, either. Nor would I go to a top steakhouse or 5 star restaurant in an evening gown- too dressy in this area at least.
For me, it's the venue and the type and quality of food that dictate to me how fancy an event is, plus all the other extras (valet service, fine linens, etc) not whether or not there are waiters present bringing me my food. And I don't care if I have to get my own food or someone brings it to me as long as it's good!
Why is it not okay to park your own car but it is okay to get your own food?
I really had no idea others would think stations are okay for black tie events. I love stations. I had them at my own wedding. But my wedding was not black-tie.
To call an event Black tie it needs to go above and beyond servers even. They are often gloved and there should be multiple servers per table. At black tie weddings I've attended, everyone at a table is served each course at the exact same moment by a server per guest. (Not all of the tables are served at the exact same time, however) You guys might be okay with stations at a black tie wedding but I don't think it is the correct level of formality to be calling an event black tie.
So while some guests might not mind, there very likely will be some who are side-eying it.
Ok, this makes a bit more sense. I wouldn't go to a buffet restaurant in a cocktail dress, either. Nor would I go to a top steakhouse or 5 star restaurant in an evening gown- too dressy in this area at least.
For me, it's the venue and the type and quality of food that dictate to me how fancy an event is, plus all the other extras (valet service, fine linens, etc) not whether or not there are waiters present bringing me my food. And I don't care if I have to get my own food or someone brings it to me as long as it's good!
Why is it not okay to park your own car but it is okay to get your own food?
I really had no idea others would think stations are okay for black tie events. I love stations. I had them at my own wedding. But my wedding was not black-tie.
To call an event Black tie it needs to go above and beyond servers even. They are often gloved and there should be multiple servers per table. At black tie weddings I've attended, everyone at a table is served each course at the exact same moment by a server per guest. (Not all of the tables are served at the exact same time, however) You guys might be okay with stations at a black tie wedding but I don't think it is the correct level of formality to be calling an event black tie.
So while some guests might not mind, there very likely will be some who are side-eying it.
No idea. It's considered luxuries to have someone park your car, fetch it later, bring you your meal, etc. Those things are all well and fine, but I'm not impressed by them. The quality of the food, drinks, and music are more important to me than who pulls my chair out for me and plops a napkin on my lap. Other people love that treatment.
The same question can be asked of a live band vs a DJ, and many people are starting to change their tune on that criteria as well.
Personally as long as the food quality is still as high as that of a gourmet plated meal, and there is enough variety to make up 5-7 courses worth, I don't see why an event can't have food stations and be black tie.
I think in time, some of these criteria will adapt, which is fine. For now though, you have to have a plated meal to be black tie.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Ok, this makes a bit more sense. I wouldn't go to a buffet restaurant in a cocktail dress, either. Nor would I go to a top steakhouse or 5 star restaurant in an evening gown- too dressy in this area at least.
For me, it's the venue and the type and quality of food that dictate to me how fancy an event is, plus all the other extras (valet service, fine linens, etc) not whether or not there are waiters present bringing me my food. And I don't care if I have to get my own food or someone brings it to me as long as it's good!
Why is it not okay to park your own car but it is okay to get your own food?
I really had no idea others would think stations are okay for black tie events. I love stations. I had them at my own wedding. But my wedding was not black-tie.
To call an event Black tie it needs to go above and beyond servers even. They are often gloved and there should be multiple servers per table. At black tie weddings I've attended, everyone at a table is served each course at the exact same moment by a server per guest. (Not all of the tables are served at the exact same time, however) You guys might be okay with stations at a black tie wedding but I don't think it is the correct level of formality to be calling an event black tie.
So while some guests might not mind, there very likely will be some who are side-eying it.
No idea. It's considered luxuries to have someone park your car, fetch it later, bring you your meal, etc. Those things are all well and fine, but I'm not impressed by them. The quality of the food, drinks, and music are more important to me than who pulls my chair out for me and plops a napkin on my lap. Other people love that treatment.
The same question can be asked of a live band vs a DJ, and many people are starting to change their tune on that criteria as well.
Personally as long as the food quality is still as high as that of a gourmet plated meal, and there is enough variety to make up 5-7 courses worth, I don't see why an event can't have food stations and be black tie.
I think in time, some of these criteria will adapt, which is fine. For now though, you have to have a plated meal to be black tie.
And am I the only one who gets slightly uncomfortable when I am waited on hand and foot?
Ok, this makes a bit more sense. I wouldn't go to a buffet restaurant in a cocktail dress, either. Nor would I go to a top steakhouse or 5 star restaurant in an evening gown- too dressy in this area at least.
For me, it's the venue and the type and quality of food that dictate to me how fancy an event is, plus all the other extras (valet service, fine linens, etc) not whether or not there are waiters present bringing me my food. And I don't care if I have to get my own food or someone brings it to me as long as it's good!
Why is it not okay to park your own car but it is okay to get your own food?
I really had no idea others would think stations are okay for black tie events. I love stations. I had them at my own wedding. But my wedding was not black-tie.
To call an event Black tie it needs to go above and beyond servers even. They are often gloved and there should be multiple servers per table. At black tie weddings I've attended, everyone at a table is served each course at the exact same moment by a server per guest. (Not all of the tables are served at the exact same time, however) You guys might be okay with stations at a black tie wedding but I don't think it is the correct level of formality to be calling an event black tie.
So while some guests might not mind, there very likely will be some who are side-eying it.
No idea. It's considered luxuries to have someone park your car, fetch it later, bring you your meal, etc. Those things are all well and fine, but I'm not impressed by them. The quality of the food, drinks, and music are more important to me than who pulls my chair out for me and plops a napkin on my lap. Other people love that treatment.
The same question can be asked of a live band vs a DJ, and many people are starting to change their tune on that criteria as well.
Personally as long as the food quality is still as high as that of a gourmet plated meal, and there is enough variety to make up 5-7 courses worth, I don't see why an event can't have food stations and be black tie.
I think in time, some of these criteria will adapt, which is fine. For now though, you have to have a plated meal to be black tie.
And am I the only one who gets slightly uncomfortable when I am waited on hand and foot?
Nope. I'm that way too. It's a weird feeling, like you're helpless or something. I can't describe it.
Your venue dress code isn't black tie. Your event isn't black tie. And you don't want to force people into black tie.
Fi and I go to black tie events regularly and it really is one of my pet hates when people misuse it. I would never automatically assume an evening wedding is black tie. The invitation (Ecru with engraved black calligraphy) and location dictate the level of formality. But if someone puts Black Tie on their invitation, it better be Black Tie. I have never seen "black tie optional" on an invitation but that would scream to me " This event isn't black tie, I have never been to a black tie event, and I just want to pretend to be fancy"
But I also agree that I would be frustrated about being in a gown and having to visit stations for my meal. That is very much a suit/ cocktail dress. As it was in the evening, I would most likely dress fancier, but certainly not a gown.
I would be embarrassed and leave very early if Fi was in a DJ and I was in a gown at a "black tie" wedding where I had to eat from a station (I love stations and have great fun at them at wedding, but it most certainly isn't black tie!). I would feel so awkward, embarrassed and over dressed.
The people that are going to be more casual are going to be casual no matter what. Don't have the extra awkward factor of making the people who know how to dress be over dressed and uncomfortable.
Wanted to add my two cents and I hope this makes sense as I am just starting my coffee. Look at this from a cost perspective. In this area it would cost about $1000 to attend a black tie wedding. That includes tux rental, gown, accessories, hair, makeup, and a gift. If we went to all this trouble to meet the host's black tie "standards" and have to park our own car or carry plates of food to our table - I would be PISSED. Even more pissed if I had to travel.
I am by no means a pretentious snob but if I pay that much to attend something - especially something where my attire is dictated to me - a certain (high) level of service is expected. At that price point I shouldn't have to serve myself food and get my own drink refills and if the host isn't willing to pay for that level of service then I shouldn't be forced to pay to look fancy for them. Sorry not sorry.
Generally I am not one for the "cover your plate" argument in regards to gifting, but along those lines (or maybe the reverse of it) the host should be willing to spend just as much, if not more than, what the guests are paying to attend (other than travel). That's one of the reasons why mandating black tie at a non black tie event is a bunch of horse crap and ridiculously tacky. Because I guarantee the asshats that are hosting a "black tie" buffet at the Holiday Inn Express are not spending near as much what guests are spending to dress up in black tie for it. And that's gross and crass.
MGP said:
As always @LondonLisa for the win! Wanted to add my two cents and I hope this makes sense as I am just starting my coffee. Look at this from a cost perspective. In this area it would cost about $1000 to attend a black tie wedding. That includes tux rental, gown, accessories, hair, makeup, and a gift. If we went to all this trouble to meet the host's black tie "standards" and have to park our own car or carry plates of food to our table - I would be PISSED. Even more pissed if I had to travel. I am by no means a pretentious snob but if I pay that much to attend something - especially something where my attire is dictated to me - a certain (high) level of service is expected. At that price point I shouldn't have to serve myself food and get my own drink refills and if the host isn't willing to pay for that level of service then I shouldn't be forced to pay to look fancy for them. Sorry not sorry. Generally I am not one for the "cover your plate" argument in regards to gifting, but along those lines (or maybe the reverse of it) the host should be willing to spend just as much, if not more than, what the guests are paying to attend (other than travel). That's one of the reasons why mandating black tie at a non black tie event is a bunch of horse crap and ridiculously tacky. Because I guarantee the asshats that are hosting a "black tie" buffet at the Holiday Inn Express are not spending near as much what guests are spending to dress up in black tie for it. And that's gross and crass. Hope that all makes sense.
I still can't figure out boxes--they show up in my preview and then disappear when I save the comment
Thanks for this response. I completely understand that asking people to wear black tie is asking a large financial commitment from them and I don't take that lightly. In fact, FI and I had a huge fight about this because he's wrapped up in thinking people will be uncomfortable if they don't know what to wear (don't worry--I have repeated tried to tell him that they are adults and they can dress themselves just fine), while I am concerned about etiquette and making sure no one feels pressured to get attire appropriate for a black tie and/or declines because they can't afford the additional expense.
However, I want to emphasize that the food stations thing has nothing to do with the budget. And I do not think anyone will be annoyed for the particular reason that they pulled out all the stops for a cheap-ass event. It's really what FI and his family prefer. Of course, I understand the annoyance at having to get your own food on principle. I'm still looking into just switching to a served meal, but I'm not sure it will work in a logistical sense. The venue is laid out in a open floor plan with multiple rooms that we'll have utilize for the eating portion of the evening. My concern with doing a served meal is that if we did, I think we should assign seating as well, which I don't particularly want to do. Do you think it would be weird to have a served meal but not assign tables? The reason I don't want to assign seating is because I don't want to decide for anyone that they won't be sitting in the same room as the wedding party. I guess it's not much different from assigning people to sit far away in the corner of a big ballroom, but it feels icky to me, even though there are groups of people who I am confident will choose to be off in the side rooms independently.
Wanted to add my two cents and I hope this makes sense as I am just starting my coffee. Look at this from a cost perspective. In this area it would cost about $1000 to attend a black tie wedding. That includes tux rental, gown, accessories, hair, makeup, and a gift. If we went to all this trouble to meet the host's black tie "standards" and have to park our own car or carry plates of food to our table - I would be PISSED. Even more pissed if I had to travel.
I am by no means a pretentious snob but if I pay that much to attend something - especially something where my attire is dictated to me - a certain (high) level of service is expected. At that price point I shouldn't have to serve myself food and get my own drink refills and if the host isn't willing to pay for that level of service then I shouldn't be forced to pay to look fancy for them. Sorry not sorry.
Generally I am not one for the "cover your plate" argument in regards to gifting, but along those lines (or maybe the reverse of it) the host should be willing to spend just as much, if not more than, what the guests are paying to attend (other than travel). That's one of the reasons why mandating black tie at a non black tie event is a bunch of horse crap and ridiculously tacky. Because I guarantee the asshats that are hosting a "black tie" buffet at the Holiday Inn Express are not spending near as much what guests are spending to dress up in black tie for it. And that's gross and crass.
Hope that all makes sense.
Thanks for this response. I completely understand that asking people to wear black tie is asking a large financial commitment from them and I don't take that lightly. In fact, FI and I had a huge fight about this because he's wrapped up in thinking people will be uncomfortable if they don't know what to wear (don't worry--I have repeated tried to tell him that they are adults and they can dress themselves just fine), while I am concerned about etiquette and making sure no one feels pressured to get attire appropriate for a black tie and/or declines because they can't afford the additional expense.
However, I want to emphasize that the food stations thing has nothing to do with the budget. And I do not think anyone will be annoyed for the particular reason that they pulled out all the stops for a cheap-ass event. It's really what FI and his family prefer. Of course, I understand the annoyance at having to get your own food on principle. I'm still looking into just switching to a served meal, but I'm not sure it will work in a logistical sense. The venue is laid out in a open floor plan with multiple rooms that we'll have utilize for the eating portion of the evening. My concern with doing a served meal is that if we did, I think we should assign seating as well, which I don't particularly want to do. Do you think it would be weird to have a served meal but not assign tables? The reason I don't want to assign seating is because I don't want to decide for anyone that they won't be sitting in the same room as the wedding party. I guess it's not much different from assigning people to sit far away in the corner of a big ballroom, but it feels icky to me, even though there are groups of people who I am confident will choose to be off in the side rooms independently.
_____ boxes not working for me either
I am responding to this with all the respectfulness and no snark, so please take that into account.
Personally I HATE open seating. It always feels like you are the new kid in school and don't know where to sit at lunch on the first day. Been there, done that. The anxiety is coming back to me just typing that. Couple that with carrying a plate of food in a long gown and stilettos - sorry but that is not fostering a black tie environment and I do not think it is fair to ask black tie attire of your guests for that. To me open seating and food stations are a deal breaker for black tie. Parking I could get over. Food service I could not.
Honestly it sounds like you are NOT trying for a black tie appearance on a low budget. That's great. It sounds like you are planning a fantastic and well hosted event. However given your preferences I just think you would have more guests like me get very irritated and offended with what you are offering vs. what you are expecting of your guests. Probably more than you think. If you truly think a plated meal and assigned seating (assigned tables at the very least) is not feasible then require the venue's dress code and nothing more.
Look, I am all about value but also quality. Remember people do not like to be told how and when to spend their money, especially when the end result falls short of their expectations. Attending weddings are never free per se, but ideally should be not financially burdening either. If I had a choice to spend $1000 on someone's wedding where I was required to buy all new attire just to be able to attend AND THEN had to stand in line for food and fend for a seat vs. spending $500 at my favorite restaurant with a nice bottle of wine - I will choose the latter each time.
Thanks for this response. I completely understand that asking people to wear black tie is asking a large financial commitment from them and I don't take that lightly. In fact, FI and I had a huge fight about this because he's wrapped up in thinking people will be uncomfortable if they don't know what to wear (don't worry--I have repeated tried to tell him that they are adults and they can dress themselves just fine), while I am concerned about etiquette and making sure no one feels pressured to get attire appropriate for a black tie and/or declines because they can't afford the additional expense.
However, I want to emphasize that the food stations thing has nothing to do with the budget. And I do not think anyone will be annoyed for the particular reason that they pulled out all the stops for a cheap-ass event. It's really what FI and his family prefer. Of course, I understand the annoyance at having to get your own food on principle. I'm still looking into just switching to a served meal, but I'm not sure it will work in a logistical sense. The venue is laid out in a open floor plan with multiple rooms that we'll have utilize for the eating portion of the evening. My concern with doing a served meal is that if we did, I think we should assign seating as well, which I don't particularly want to do. Do you think it would be weird to have a served meal but not assign tables? The reason I don't want to assign seating is because I don't want to decide for anyone that they won't be sitting in the same room as the wedding party. I guess it's not much different from assigning people to sit far away in the corner of a big ballroom, but it feels icky to me, even though there are groups of people who I am confident will choose to be off in the side rooms independently.
_____ boxes not working for me either
I am responding to this with all the respectfulness and no snark, so please take that into account.
Personally I HATE open seating. It always feels like you are the new kid in school and don't know where to sit at lunch on the first day. Been there, done that. The anxiety is coming back to me just typing that. Couple that with carrying a plate of food in a long gown and stilettos - sorry but that is not fostering a black tie environment and I do not think it is fair to ask black tie attire of your guests for that. To me open seating and food stations are a deal breaker for black tie. Parking I could get over. Food service I could not.
Honestly it sounds like you are NOT trying for a black tie appearance on a low budget. That's great. It sounds like you are planning a fantastic and well hosted event. However given your preferences I just think you would have more guests like me get very irritated and offended with what you are offering vs. what you are expecting of your guests. Probably more than you think. If you truly think a plated meal and assigned seating (assigned tables at the very least) is not feasible then require the venue's dress code and nothing more.
Look, I am all about value but also quality. Remember people do not like to be told how and when to spend their money, especially when the end result falls short of their expectations. Attending weddings are never free per se, but ideally should be not financially burdening either. If I had a choice to spend $1000 on someone's wedding where I was required to buy all new attire just to be able to attend AND THEN had to stand in line for food and fend for a seat vs. spending $500 at my favorite restaurant with a nice bottle of wine - I will choose the latter each time.
Just wanted to offer an outside perspective.
Yeah I agree with all of this and have thought about it too, so definitely am not getting a snarky vibe. Except that I don't really mind open seating (I'm fairly neutral between the two).
I don't want to ask people to wear black tie. I don't even necessarily want them to wear black tie in general (though I know a lot of FI's family & friends will do so regardless). This has just blown up into the biggest conflict we've had over the wedding and FI does not seem to understand any of the very reasonable arguments for not indicating black tie.
I have already lost this battle, so I'm trying to fix what I can. Do you think it would insulting if we assigned tables and some people were assigned to tables not in the same room as the wedding party? Or is that better than not assigning seats at all? Switching to a plated meal would be more feasible then, I think.
Do you think it would insulting if we assigned tables and some people were assigned to tables not in the same room as the wedding party? Or is that better than not assigning seats at all? Switching to a plated meal would be more feasible then, I think.
If your seating spans multiple rooms then some of your guests will not be in the same room as the wedding party regardless if you assign or not. The only difference is who is making the decision. Some guests are bound to sit at a "remote" table at most weddings due to the venue layout or size of the guest list. Not everyone can sit near the couple, that's just the reality of it.
I think it just comes down to this: plated dinner, assigned seating, etc. = black tie. Buffet/stations, open seating = not black tie. Either option is perfectly fine, you just need to choose. Anything in between is going to cause confusion and frustration.
The disconnect here is that by mandating black tie you are asking guests who did not plan on black tie to invest to match the ones that are wearing black tie on their own free will. It's making what they wear a condition of attendance. That's not fair to them, especially when the event truly does not qualify for black tie AND it comes with a hefty price tag. Personally - I have no interest in keeping up with the Jonses, especially for ONE evening. I don't want to spend close to my mortgage payment just so I can be as dressed up as your in laws' friends. Let me wear my cocktail dress and call it a day.
Do you think it would insulting if we assigned tables and some people were assigned to tables not in the same room as the wedding party? Or is that better than not assigning seats at all? Switching to a plated meal would be more feasible then, I think.
If your seating spans multiple rooms then some of your guests will not be in the same room as the wedding party regardless if you assign or not. The only difference is who is making the decision. Some guests are bound to sit at a "remote" table at most weddings due to the venue layout or size of the guest list. Not everyone can sit near the couple, that's just the reality of it.
I think it just comes down to this: plated dinner, assigned seating, etc. = black tie. Buffet/stations, open seating = not black tie. Either option is perfectly fine, you just need to choose. Anything in between is going to cause confusion and frustration.
The disconnect here is that by mandating black tie you are asking guests who did not plan on black tie to invest to match the ones that are wearing black tie on their own free will. That's not fair to them, especially when the event truly does not qualify for black tie AND it comes with a hefty price tag. Personally - I have no interest in keeping up with the Jonses, especially for ONE evening. Let me wear my cocktail dress and call it a day.
100% agree with the bolded, but FI and his fam (not sure if you caught this above, but they're paying so they get more than a normal amount of input) think people will feel uncomfortable if they show up and realize a lot of people are dressed more formally than they are. This is of course wrong, but they are all convinced they're right and that the polite thing to do is to indicate dress so no one feels underdressed. Bah. It's legitimately a huge fight about what is more polite/will make our guests more comfortable. And they are wrong. And I am super pissed about it.
Do you think it would insulting if we assigned tables and some people were assigned to tables not in the same room as the wedding party? Or is that better than not assigning seats at all? Switching to a plated meal would be more feasible then, I think.
If your seating spans multiple rooms then some of your guests will not be in the same room as the wedding party regardless if you assign or not. The only difference is who is making the decision. Some guests are bound to sit at a "remote" table at most weddings due to the venue layout or size of the guest list. Not everyone can sit near the couple, that's just the reality of it.
I think it just comes down to this: plated dinner, assigned seating, etc. = black tie. Buffet/stations, open seating = not black tie. Either option is perfectly fine, you just need to choose. Anything in between is going to cause confusion and frustration.
The disconnect here is that by mandating black tie you are asking guests who did not plan on black tie to invest to match the ones that are wearing black tie on their own free will. That's not fair to them, especially when the event truly does not qualify for black tie AND it comes with a hefty price tag. Personally - I have no interest in keeping up with the Jonses, especially for ONE evening. Let me wear my cocktail dress and call it a day.
100% agree with the bolded, but FI and his fam (not sure if you caught this above, but they're paying so they get more than a normal amount of input) think people will feel uncomfortable if they show up and realize a lot of people are dressed more formally than they are. This is of course wrong, but they are all convinced they're right and that the polite thing to do is to indicate dress so no one feels underdressed. Bah. It's legitimately a huge fight about what is more polite/will make our guests more comfortable. And they are wrong. And I am super pissed about it.
I feel ya. And thank my lucky stars my in laws didn't contribute one penny so I didn't have to deal with things like this.
It sounds like a fantastic event. Telling people how to dress is a slippery slope though. Some direction is appreciated because I feel most people want to feel comfortable and blend in, too much and/or pricey requirements causes problems as well. I just hope you don't get more declines because of it.
I think I would still play the angle that you don't want your friends (who aren't used to Black Tie events) to feel like they need to buy/rent a tux or gown. I would try to barter with the ILs on including the venue dress code (as you should) as a compromise.
I think you will have more pissed off people showing up in Black Tie when the event is not black tie, vs. people feeling under dressed because others chose to wear tuxes and gowns.
I know you get this, but really, if your family/friends CHOOSE to wear tuxes/gowns that is there right and they can do that if they want. Doesn't mean other people should feel bad for not wearing the same clothes- they should understand this will be a formal event. I don't get why the ILs don't get this. I would keep trying to explain that it would be rude to imply black tie vs. not implying it. It seems the guests who regularly wear Black Tie will wear it anyway even if you don't tell them to.
If someone asks what to wear, you can always tell people what is common for FI's family.
SP29 said:
I think I would still play the angle that you don't want your friends (who aren't used to Black Tie events) to feel like they need to buy/rent a tux or gown. I would try to barter with the ILs on including the venue dress code (as you should) as a compromise. I think you will have more pissed off people showing up in Black Tie when the event is not black tie, vs. people feeling under dressed because others chose to wear tuxes and gowns. I know you get this, but really, if your family/friends CHOOSE to wear tuxes/gowns that is there right and they can do that if they want. Doesn't mean other people should feel bad for not wearing the same clothes- they should understand this will be a formal event. I don't get why the ILs don't get this. I would keep trying to explain that it would be rude to imply black tie vs. not implying it. It seems the guests who regularly wear Black Tie will wear it anyway even if you don't tell them to. If someone asks what to wear, you can always tell people what is common for FI's family.
I don't get why ILs (and FI) don't get this either. But the invitations have been finalized, so I can't fix them now. All I can do is change the things I can to make it actually a black tie event. I don't particularly like that it came to this, but it is what it is.
Honestly OP, if your invitations are already printed, I'd just let it all go and spread via word of mouth and your wedding website that this event is not really black tie and no one is required to rent a tux/gown nor will they be underdressed in a suit/cocktail dress.
I wouldn't even bother with changing your reception meal from food stations to a plated meal, especially if your FI prefers food stations. People are being a bit melodramatic in this thread regarding being served a plated meal vs food stations. Food stations are not equivalent to a buffet in the ballroom of a Holiday Inn Express. Food stations are gourmet level meals. . . have you guys really never been to an event that had food stations?! They are awesome!!!! Yes, I get that according to the strict sense of the rules food stations are not a black tie criteria, but OP was never planning on having an actual black tie reception to begin with.
While most people on these boards prefer plated meals and assigned seating, you don't have to do either to have a formal and successful reception. This is very much a know your crowd thing. If your guestlist is is made up of multiple circles of people and there is enough intersection between the circles, and you have enough extroverted people, open seating can be just fine.
I have been to more than my fair share of weddings were we had assigned seating and it totally sucked because we were placed with people we didn't know at all, we were stuck in the back of the room, etc.
ETA: Any way you can get a hold of the invitations before they are mailed and cover up the Black Tie line on them?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Honestly OP, if your invitations are already printed, I'd just let it all go and spread via word of mouth and your wedding website that this event is not really black tie and no one is required to rent a tux/gown nor will they be underdressed in a suit/cocktail dress.
I wouldn't even bother with changing your reception meal from food stations to a plated meal, especially if your FI prefers food stations. People are being a bit melodramatic in this thread regarding being served a plated meal vs food stations. Food stations are not equivalent to a buffet in the ballroom of a Holiday Inn Express. Food stations are gourmet level meals. . . have you guys really never been to an event that had food stations?! They are awesome!!!! Yes, I get that according to the strict sense of the rules food stations are not a black tie criteria, but OP was never planning on having an actual black tie reception to begin with.
While most people on these boards prefer plated meals and assigned seating, you don't have to do either to have a formal and successful reception. This is very much a know your crowd thing. If your guestlist is is made up of multiple circles of people and there is enough intersection between the circles, and you have enough extroverted people, open seating can be just fine.
I have been to more than my fair share of weddings were we had assigned seating and it totally sucked because we were placed with people we didn't know at all, we were stuck in the back of the room, etc.
ETA: Any way you can get a hold of the invitations before they are mailed and cover up the Black Tie line on them?
You must be referring to my melodrama since I am the one that referred to the Holdiay Inn Express. Yes, I very well know the difference between food stations and a two star hotel buffet. Believe me, I know food. I work for a celebrity chef. I also know that the OP is not one of those asshats that is asking for black tie attire at a place like the Holiday Inn Express. Hats off to her. She is, unfortunately, the exception to the rule.
What I was saying is that there are certain elements of black tie that guests like myself would feel short changed, pissed, and offended if they didn't happen. Seating and service style are the crux of this issue. I was not exaggerating when I said a black tie wedding would cost a grand to attend in my area. And if the majority of that cost is required of in attire by the hosts, it damn well better be black tie. Personally I don't think it is worth the risk disappointing and/or upsetting even a small part of your guest list with a black tie request if you don't plan on fulfilling your obligations as a black tie host.
Bottom line is - for my personal investment cost into attending an event like this where formal attire is a condition of attendance I SHOULD NOT have to park my car, pick a seat, or get my dinner. If a host wants a black tie environment, they need to be willing to pay a black tie price tag and provide a black tie service level. Call me lazy, disagree with me, I do not care.
If OP's invites are out I agree to just let it go. This ship has sailed in her case. If anyone asks just explain it is formal but not true black tie event and that formalwear is welcomed but not required. Personally I think it is better to under promise and over deliver. Don't make people dress black tie but still deliver a black tie experience.
Re: Black Tie on Invites?
Fi and I go to black tie events regularly and it really is one of my pet hates when people misuse it. I would never automatically assume an evening wedding is black tie. The invitation (Ecru with engraved black calligraphy) and location dictate the level of formality. But if someone puts Black Tie on their invitation, it better be Black Tie. I have never seen "black tie optional" on an invitation but that would scream to me " This event isn't black tie, I have never been to a black tie event, and I just want to pretend to be fancy"
But I also agree that I would be frustrated about being in a gown and having to visit stations for my meal. That is very much a suit/ cocktail dress. As it was in the evening, I would most likely dress fancier, but certainly not a gown.
I would be embarrassed and leave very early if Fi was in a DJ and I was in a gown at a "black tie" wedding where I had to eat from a station (I love stations and have great fun at them at wedding, but it most certainly isn't black tie!). I would feel so awkward, embarrassed and over dressed.
The people that are going to be more casual are going to be casual no matter what. Don't have the extra awkward factor of making the people who know how to dress be over dressed and uncomfortable.
Where is this box going? It's here before I save the comment, I promise.
To the first bolded: I do not think any of our guests are going to assume the wedding is a black tie event. However, many are going to dress in attire appropriate for one. Partially because of the fact that they view it as appropriate/expected to dress in gowns/tuxedos for an evening wedding, but also because nothing else about the wedding (invitations, venue) will signal they should do otherwise. So, even though it is incorrect, FILs are worried about some people feeling underdressed. I want to emphasize that I personally know it is not okay to indicate black tie on an invitation for an event that is not black tie--that has never been the issue. The issue is that everyone else involved with planning does not agree with me and I am having to try to convince them that they are wrong. Regardless, I am confident that no one is going to feel overdressed, unless they decide to wear tails for whatever unapparent reason.
This brings me to the second bolded: That seems a bit extreme--I don't know why anyone would feel overdressed unless they were dressed significantly more formally than other guests and/or the wedding party, regardless of the presence of food stations. Annoyed? Maybe. But again, I understand that it is not proper to indicate black tie. However, a large portion of the people in attendance will be the people I've mentioned that wear black tie to evening weddings just by default--just because you would not wear a gown to a non-black tie wedding does not mean there are not social circles that would. They will not feel awkward or like they stand out, because they will be dressed similarly to most people at the wedding.
As far as convincing your FI and his family of the appropriate wording, I'd tell them, "I don't want to put 'black tie' on the invitations because regardless of what anyone considers 'normal,' the phrase 'black tie' means tuxedos and long evening gowns as well as other expectations that are outside the realm of possibility for our wedding. I'm okay with enclosing an insert that describes the dress code in detail, but since it isn't 'black tie' I'm not okay with calling it something it's not and misleading guests about it." Stand firm.
This is kind of what I did with my mom when she was *so* insistent on putting "black tie optional" on the invites. I reminded her that it didn't mean anything, and most importantly - that it could unnecessarily cause some people to feel they have to purchase a gown or rent a tux. Since the event isn't truly black tie, I didn't want to cause people to feel they had to unnecessarily spend their money on the proper attire for the event. After saying that, my mom backed off enough to let me take it off the invites.
<a href="'>http://www.theknot.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Free Wedding Vows">
Actually in my experience, there's a huge difference between food stations and a buffet.
The weddings I have been to that had food stations, including my own, had gourmet level "black tie" food. The food was actually better than most sit down wedding meals I have ever had.
The weddings I have been to that had a buffet had run of the mill, mass produced, catered food. You wouldn't consider it up to the level of a black tie event meal.
Not to knock the buffets or the hosts, but just trying to illustrate that there is a difference in food quality. Food stations are not like what you'd find at the Golden Corral, at least not in my area.
Ok, this makes a bit more sense. I wouldn't go to a buffet restaurant in a cocktail dress, either. Nor would I go to a top steakhouse or 5 star restaurant in an evening gown- too dressy in this area at least.
For me, it's the venue and the type and quality of food that dictate to me how fancy an event is, plus all the other extras (valet service, fine linens, etc) not whether or not there are waiters present bringing me my food. And I don't care if I have to get my own food or someone brings it to me as long as it's good!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
They usually have meat carving stations, made to order pasta stations, huge dessert stations with gourmet coffee. And the foods they use are fresh, artisan quality. . . same as would be served as a sit down meal in the same venue.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
The same question can be asked of a live band vs a DJ, and many people are starting to change their tune on that criteria as well.
Personally as long as the food quality is still as high as that of a gourmet plated meal, and there is enough variety to make up 5-7 courses worth, I don't see why an event can't have food stations and be black tie.
I think in time, some of these criteria will adapt, which is fine. For now though, you have to have a plated meal to be black tie.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Nope. I'm that way too. It's a weird feeling, like you're helpless or something. I can't describe it.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Wanted to add my two cents and I hope this makes sense as I am just starting my coffee. Look at this from a cost perspective. In this area it would cost about $1000 to attend a black tie wedding. That includes tux rental, gown, accessories, hair, makeup, and a gift. If we went to all this trouble to meet the host's black tie "standards" and have to park our own car or carry plates of food to our table - I would be PISSED. Even more pissed if I had to travel.
I am by no means a pretentious snob but if I pay that much to attend something - especially something where my attire is dictated to me - a certain (high) level of service is expected. At that price point I shouldn't have to serve myself food and get my own drink refills and if the host isn't willing to pay for that level of service then I shouldn't be forced to pay to look fancy for them. Sorry not sorry.
Generally I am not one for the "cover your plate" argument in regards to gifting, but along those lines (or maybe the reverse of it) the host should be willing to spend just as much, if not more than, what the guests are paying to attend (other than travel). That's one of the reasons why mandating black tie at a non black tie event is a bunch of horse crap and ridiculously tacky. Because I guarantee the asshats that are hosting a "black tie" buffet at the Holiday Inn Express are not spending near as much what guests are spending to dress up in black tie for it. And that's gross and crass.
Hope that all makes sense.
I still can't figure out boxes--they show up in my preview and then disappear when I save the comment
Thanks for this response. I completely understand that asking people to wear black tie is asking a large financial commitment from them and I don't take that lightly. In fact, FI and I had a huge fight about this because he's wrapped up in thinking people will be uncomfortable if they don't know what to wear (don't worry--I have repeated tried to tell him that they are adults and they can dress themselves just fine), while I am concerned about etiquette and making sure no one feels pressured to get attire appropriate for a black tie and/or declines because they can't afford the additional expense.
However, I want to emphasize that the food stations thing has nothing to do with the budget. And I do not think anyone will be annoyed for the particular reason that they pulled out all the stops for a cheap-ass event. It's really what FI and his family prefer. Of course, I understand the annoyance at having to get your own food on principle. I'm still looking into just switching to a served meal, but I'm not sure it will work in a logistical sense. The venue is laid out in a open floor plan with multiple rooms that we'll have utilize for the eating portion of the evening. My concern with doing a served meal is that if we did, I think we should assign seating as well, which I don't particularly want to do. Do you think it would be weird to have a served meal but not assign tables? The reason I don't want to assign seating is because I don't want to decide for anyone that they won't be sitting in the same room as the wedding party. I guess it's not much different from assigning people to sit far away in the corner of a big ballroom, but it feels icky to me, even though there are groups of people who I am confident will choose to be off in the side rooms independently.
Thanks for this response. I completely understand that asking people to wear black tie is asking a large financial commitment from them and I don't take that lightly. In fact, FI and I had a huge fight about this because he's wrapped up in thinking people will be uncomfortable if they don't know what to wear (don't worry--I have repeated tried to tell him that they are adults and they can dress themselves just fine), while I am concerned about etiquette and making sure no one feels pressured to get attire appropriate for a black tie and/or declines because they can't afford the additional expense.
However, I want to emphasize that the food stations thing has nothing to do with the budget. And I do not think anyone will be annoyed for the particular reason that they pulled out all the stops for a cheap-ass event. It's really what FI and his family prefer. Of course, I understand the annoyance at having to get your own food on principle. I'm still looking into just switching to a served meal, but I'm not sure it will work in a logistical sense. The venue is laid out in a open floor plan with multiple rooms that we'll have utilize for the eating portion of the evening. My concern with doing a served meal is that if we did, I think we should assign seating as well, which I don't particularly want to do. Do you think it would be weird to have a served meal but not assign tables? The reason I don't want to assign seating is because I don't want to decide for anyone that they won't be sitting in the same room as the wedding party. I guess it's not much different from assigning people to sit far away in the corner of a big ballroom, but it feels icky to me, even though there are groups of people who I am confident will choose to be off in the side rooms independently.
I don't want to ask people to wear black tie. I don't even necessarily want them to wear black tie in general (though I know a lot of FI's family & friends will do so regardless). This has just blown up into the biggest conflict we've had over the wedding and FI does not seem to understand any of the very reasonable arguments for not indicating black tie.
ETF: Boxes & Spelling
I think you will have more pissed off people showing up in Black Tie when the event is not black tie, vs. people feeling under dressed because others chose to wear tuxes and gowns.
I know you get this, but really, if your family/friends CHOOSE to wear tuxes/gowns that is there right and they can do that if they want. Doesn't mean other people should feel bad for not wearing the same clothes- they should understand this will be a formal event. I don't get why the ILs don't get this. I would keep trying to explain that it would be rude to imply black tie vs. not implying it. It seems the guests who regularly wear Black Tie will wear it anyway even if you don't tell them to.
If someone asks what to wear, you can always tell people what is common for FI's family. I don't get why ILs (and FI) don't get this either. But the invitations have been finalized, so I can't fix them now. All I can do is change the things I can to make it actually a black tie event. I don't particularly like that it came to this, but it is what it is.
I wouldn't even bother with changing your reception meal from food stations to a plated meal, especially if your FI prefers food stations. People are being a bit melodramatic in this thread regarding being served a plated meal vs food stations. Food stations are not equivalent to a buffet in the ballroom of a Holiday Inn Express. Food stations are gourmet level meals. . . have you guys really never been to an event that had food stations?! They are awesome!!!! Yes, I get that according to the strict sense of the rules food stations are not a black tie criteria, but OP was never planning on having an actual black tie reception to begin with.
While most people on these boards prefer plated meals and assigned seating, you don't have to do either to have a formal and successful reception. This is very much a know your crowd thing. If your guestlist is is made up of multiple circles of people and there is enough intersection between the circles, and you have enough extroverted people, open seating can be just fine.
I have been to more than my fair share of weddings were we had assigned seating and it totally sucked because we were placed with people we didn't know at all, we were stuck in the back of the room, etc.
ETA: Any way you can get a hold of the invitations before they are mailed and cover up the Black Tie line on them?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
You must be referring to my melodrama since I am the one that referred to the Holdiay Inn Express. Yes, I very well know the difference between food stations and a two star hotel buffet. Believe me, I know food. I work for a celebrity chef. I also know that the OP is not one of those asshats that is asking for black tie attire at a place like the Holiday Inn Express. Hats off to her. She is, unfortunately, the exception to the rule.