Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridesmaid vs. Reader

135

Re: Bridesmaid vs. Reader

  • rnsoon said:
    OP - First, welcome to the internet, where anyone can say anything they like, and it's not illegal unless it's a threat on someone's life. Secondly, think like a scientist, if you are in fact a scientist. You stated, "I don't want her to feel obligated to take on the time and responsibilities of being a bridesmaid", or something to that effect. The content of this sentence would lead readers to believe that you have expectations of your bridesmaids outside the realm of buying a dress, possibly getting it altered, and showing up to your wedding. You cannot argue against that, there is no way, and I apologize for that. The majority of brides DO believe, because of the wedding media/market, that bridesmaids have to help with crafts, throw parties, and have all these other ridiculous assumptions of catering to the bride. AS ETIQUETTE STATES, and you are on the etiquette board, they need a dress that mostly fits and they need to be relatively sober at your wedding, as they have promised by accepting your offer to be a bridesmaid. Those are the only two responsibilities, neither of which take an unnecessary amount of time. You were not given any ill advice, nor did anyone reply with snarky responses or intentions of being mean. You were given good advice relative to the content of your original posts. Maybe you should have been more clear IN that original post what time constraints and responsibilities you were thinking of so your readers did not HAVE to make assumptions. Also, I'm fairly certain nobody believes wild animals wear clothing. It is purely for humor. The internet is FILLED with it. Try it some time, it's quite fun. Carry on. Edited for grammar.
    I'm a microbiologist.  I've been using the internet since Al Gore invented it, but thanks for the tips.  I am unfamiliar with this concept of humor on the internet, please tell me more!
  • You're way too sensitive to be a scientist. Also MUD.
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  • You're way too sensitive to be a scientist. Also MUD.
    Sorry, do we know each other?


  • You're way too sensitive to be a scientist. Also MUD.

    Sorry, do we know each other?

    Hey, welcome to the Knot!
    Sometimes the ladies can be very blunt and honest. Each of them will answer your question to their personality. They mean no harm but they want to make sure you do not do anything that would be rude or offensive to other people.

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

  • You're way too sensitive to be a scientist. Also MUD.
    Sorry, do we know each other?
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  • AlexisA01 said:

    Hey, welcome to the Knot! Sometimes the ladies can be very blunt and honest. Each of them will answer your question to their personality. They mean no harm but they want to make sure you do not do anything that would be rude or offensive to other people.
    Hey, thanks so much for the warm welcome.  I appreciate that.  I guess I was just disappointed at the way so many people jumped to conclusions and I see from reading the comments that it was due to the lack of detail I provided in my original post.  So far, I've been called an ass and basically a liar (re: my career) which seems WAY overboard and so far flung from the original question that I was just a bit put off by it.  A few people were uncomfortable with me defending myself or giving my opinion although I was careful not to be rude or call anyone a name or make assumptions about any commenters because I don't know them and I would literally not assume ANYTHING about someone I had never met.  That doesn't seem to be a commonly held sentiment.  I don't look to this community to regulate my online activity, I was just looking for some open dialogue on what I thought was a simple question.  Either way, I will certainly continue to use The Knot for vendor info and tips, but posting questions on a thread isn't the best model for me.  In any case, I appreciate your comment & wish you the best in your planning or your marriage if it's already happened :) !
  • edited June 2015
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2014
    That's actually very good advice & I appreciate it.  In 4 weeks, I've knocked out venue, dress, guest list, hotel block, asked all bridesmaids in person, found their dresses, selected a cake, and received Save the Dates, all while working full time & traveling to no less than 7 cities in that same four weeks.  Interestingly, I've experienced zero stress and have had a ton of fun doing these activities.  I credit that stresslessness to finding the right person & being so excited to throw a fun party for my friends, family, coworkers, and fiance's family, friends, & coworkers.  It's clear I didn't give enough detail in my original post but I'm going to have to stick by my original reaction of being disappointed in the comments.  It really has nothing to do with the wedding but in a larger sense I just hate the way people on the internet treat each other.  It's why I never post comments (and why I didn't know how to use the quote thing).  I just tend to be put off by people making assumptions that are completely baseless and untrue - and now I see that they made those assumptions b/c I provided so little detail.  But they were still wrong and I didn't get a lot out of this experience except to learn that this is not the best forum for me to seek advice.  I guess I'm better at face to face interactions.  In any case, thank you for taking the time to respond & I hope you have a great holiday. 
    YOU "found their dresses"? I hope you asked each BM, confidentially, for their dress budget. I hope you gave them some choices and a voice in the dress selection. I hope you considered the individual comfort, personality, and modesty level of each bridesmaid. YOUR statement, and understand we can only respond to what YOU post, makes it sound as if you single handedly, without any input, decided on their attire for the day. That would not be cool.
  • Based on your original post, what were your expectations of a bridesmaid? If you claim everyone jumped to conclusions about what you meant, clarify it.
  • MobKaz said:
    That's actually very good advice & I appreciate it.  In 4 weeks, I've knocked out venue, dress, guest list, hotel block, asked all bridesmaids in person, found their dresses, selected a cake, and received Save the Dates, all while working full time & traveling to no less than 7 cities in that same four weeks.  Interestingly, I've experienced zero stress and have had a ton of fun doing these activities.  I credit that stresslessness to finding the right person & being so excited to throw a fun party for my friends, family, coworkers, and fiance's family, friends, & coworkers.  It's clear I didn't give enough detail in my original post but I'm going to have to stick by my original reaction of being disappointed in the comments.  It really has nothing to do with the wedding but in a larger sense I just hate the way people on the internet treat each other.  It's why I never post comments (and why I didn't know how to use the quote thing).  I just tend to be put off by people making assumptions that are completely baseless and untrue - and now I see that they made those assumptions b/c I provided so little detail.  But they were still wrong and I didn't get a lot out of this experience except to learn that this is not the best forum for me to seek advice.  I guess I'm better at face to face interactions.  In any case, thank you for taking the time to respond & I hope you have a great holiday. 
    YOU "found their dresses"? I hope you asked each BM, confidentially, for their dress budget. I hope you gave them some choices and a voice in the dress selection. I hope you considered the individual comfort, personality, and modesty level of each bridesmaid. YOUR statement, and understand we can only respond to what YOU post, makes it sound as if you single handedly, without any input, decided on their attire for the day. That would not be cool.
    I have no idea what you are talking about.
  • Based on your original post, what were your expectations of a bridesmaid? If you claim everyone jumped to conclusions about what you meant, clarify it.
    It's not important enough at this point.  The decisions have been made and we are all good to go. 
  • I flat out laughed at the scientist part. What does that have to do with anything? I'd be more inclined to answer in a genuinely helpful manner if didn't first see this turn into a pouty fit, passive aggressive fake apologies, and flat-out cattiness. When you try to pick a fight don't be surprised if you get one.
    I flat out laughed at the scientist part. What does that have to do with anything? I'd be more inclined to answer in a genuinely helpful manner if didn't first see this turn into a pouty fit, passive aggressive fake apologies, and flat-out cattiness. When you try to pick a fight don't be surprised if you get one.
    What are you even talking about?  
  • AddieCake said:
    I'm not a scientist, but I like the idea of mixing my own potions.
    AddieCake said:
    I'm not a scientist, but I like the idea of mixing my own potions.
    That's too bad, b/c being a scientist is pretty effing awesome.  It allows you to think in terms of facts & data & not get all caught up in emotions and angst like this sewing circle.  Either way, you can always mix your own potions, especially if you procure a good bottle of bourbon, some nice ice cubes, and a tasty bottle of bitters.  Just my opinion, based on years of peer-reviewed research.  Have a great night.  
  • ... Is 'sewing circle' supposed to be an insult?
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  • slothiegalslothiegal member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2014
    beethery said:



    For someone who's supposedly "above" this "sewing circle" or whatever we're called, you sure seem to be putting a lot of effort into petty comebacks. Why bother coming back with retorts over and over? Looks like you enjoy sewing too.

    SCIENTISTS DON'T SEW! They get pressed about strangers on the internet!

    SCIENCE.


    You don't even understand, beeth. Science improves your personal quality.

    ETA ahhh no boxes
    Anniversary

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  • beethery said:



    For someone who's supposedly "above" this "sewing circle" or whatever we're called, you sure seem to be putting a lot of effort into petty comebacks. Why bother coming back with retorts over and over? Looks like you enjoy sewing too.

    SCIENTISTS DON'T SEW! They get pressed about strangers on the internet!

    SCIENCE.


    But is this a fact backed up by "peer reviewed research"?!?

    Formerly martha1818

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  • For someone who's supposedly "above" this "sewing circle" or whatever we're called, you sure seem to be putting a lot of effort into petty comebacks. Why bother coming back with retorts over and over? Looks like you enjoy sewing too.
    SCIENTISTS DON'T SEW! They get pressed about strangers on the internet!

    SCIENCE.
    But is this a fact backed up by "peer reviewed research"?!?
    It is!!!

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    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

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  • I got Kahlua that I made myself. I have plastic dinosaurs all over the living room tables. I think some are terrorizing the train table like Godzilla. I have a stuffed koala in a dress on the couch next to me. I'm enjoying my lovely adult beverage rather than picking up the dinosaur invasion.

    Am I a scientist now?
  • ... Is 'sewing circle' supposed to be an insult?

    But I like sewing! Seriously, I hand sew when work is dead or I'm stuck on a boring call. I sew on flights, even if getting needles and nail clippers on board is a hassle. My girls are always "helping" me sew - aka scatter scraps of fabric everywhere.

    Basket weaving, now that's an insult. Or blizzard watching. My to-be nephews play basketball and hockey. Whiny parents who fuss if their Precioooouuuuusssss (said in a proper Gollum hiss) doesn't get everything have Bobby Baskets and Sammy Snowflakes for children.
  • MobKaz said:
    That's actually very good advice & I appreciate it.  In 4 weeks, I've knocked out venue, dress, guest list, hotel block, asked all bridesmaids in person, found their dresses, selected a cake, and received Save the Dates, all while working full time & traveling to no less than 7 cities in that same four weeks.  Interestingly, I've experienced zero stress and have had a ton of fun doing these activities.  I credit that stresslessness to finding the right person & being so excited to throw a fun party for my friends, family, coworkers, and fiance's family, friends, & coworkers.  It's clear I didn't give enough detail in my original post but I'm going to have to stick by my original reaction of being disappointed in the comments.  It really has nothing to do with the wedding but in a larger sense I just hate the way people on the internet treat each other.  It's why I never post comments (and why I didn't know how to use the quote thing).  I just tend to be put off by people making assumptions that are completely baseless and untrue - and now I see that they made those assumptions b/c I provided so little detail.  But they were still wrong and I didn't get a lot out of this experience except to learn that this is not the best forum for me to seek advice.  I guess I'm better at face to face interactions.  In any case, thank you for taking the time to respond & I hope you have a great holiday. 
    YOU "found their dresses"? I hope you asked each BM, confidentially, for their dress budget. I hope you gave them some choices and a voice in the dress selection. I hope you considered the individual comfort, personality, and modesty level of each bridesmaid. YOUR statement, and understand we can only respond to what YOU post, makes it sound as if you single handedly, without any input, decided on their attire for the day. That would not be cool.
    I have no idea what you are talking about.
    My comment could not be clearer.  YOU said YOU found BM dresses.  My basic questions were:
    1.  Did you ask your BM's what they were comfortable spending for these dresses?
    2.  Did your BM's have any input into the selection of the dresses?

    These questions are not rocket science.
  • MobKaz said:
    MobKaz said:
    That's actually very good advice & I appreciate it.  In 4 weeks, I've knocked out venue, dress, guest list, hotel block, asked all bridesmaids in person, found their dresses, selected a cake, and received Save the Dates, all while working full time & traveling to no less than 7 cities in that same four weeks.  Interestingly, I've experienced zero stress and have had a ton of fun doing these activities.  I credit that stresslessness to finding the right person & being so excited to throw a fun party for my friends, family, coworkers, and fiance's family, friends, & coworkers.  It's clear I didn't give enough detail in my original post but I'm going to have to stick by my original reaction of being disappointed in the comments.  It really has nothing to do with the wedding but in a larger sense I just hate the way people on the internet treat each other.  It's why I never post comments (and why I didn't know how to use the quote thing).  I just tend to be put off by people making assumptions that are completely baseless and untrue - and now I see that they made those assumptions b/c I provided so little detail.  But they were still wrong and I didn't get a lot out of this experience except to learn that this is not the best forum for me to seek advice.  I guess I'm better at face to face interactions.  In any case, thank you for taking the time to respond & I hope you have a great holiday. 
    YOU "found their dresses"? I hope you asked each BM, confidentially, for their dress budget. I hope you gave them some choices and a voice in the dress selection. I hope you considered the individual comfort, personality, and modesty level of each bridesmaid. YOUR statement, and understand we can only respond to what YOU post, makes it sound as if you single handedly, without any input, decided on their attire for the day. That would not be cool.
    I have no idea what you are talking about.
    My comment could not be clearer.  YOU said YOU found BM dresses.  My basic questions were:
    1.  Did you ask your BM's what they were comfortable spending for these dresses?
    2.  Did your BM's have any input into the selection of the dresses?

    These questions are not rocket science.
    While 'I agree that it's a nice thing to allow your bridesmaids input on their attire, a bride can choose the dress independent of her bridesmaids. She does need to ask their budget though, but really, how many brides do?
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  • AddieCake said:
    I'm not a scientist, but I like the idea of mixing my own potions.
    AddieCake said:
    I'm not a scientist, but I like the idea of mixing my own potions.
    That's too bad, b/c being a scientist is pretty effing awesome.  It allows you to think in terms of facts & data & not get all caught up in emotions and angst like this sewing circle.  Either way, you can always mix your own potions, especially if you procure a good bottle of bourbon, some nice ice cubes, and a tasty bottle of bitters.  Just my opinion, based on years of peer-reviewed research.  Have a great night.  
    But you were the one getting all emotional not us. We were being objective, you know like a scientist should be. We don't know you, and we can only give conclusions based on the the data we were given..

    I really am a scientist. Sounds like you are too; my comment about you being too emotional to be a scientist was more of a joke. 
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  • Yeah, ya lost me there.  First it's "unbiased opinion", now it's facts.  I can't keep up & am clearly confused.  All I know is, I posted a benign question, got about net zero of good advice, and a ration of criticism.  Being a scientist, I guess I tend to be a little more analytical in terms of communicating but then again, this was my first and I'm sure will be my last post.   Either way, I'm glad you taught me about that quote thing.  Seemed like hitting "reply" would have made sense but at least I learned a new trick today.  
    Oh FFS, I'm a scientist and if you were too then you would read the responses for what they are and remove all emotional defensiveness from your interpretation of those comments. 

    People were trying to give you advice and to explain that "BM duties" are a misconception, that's it.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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