Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridesmaid vs. Reader

124

Re: Bridesmaid vs. Reader

  • I am guessing and COULD be off base but I can sense the OP could be socially awkward. It explains how she is with her replies. I feel that she really doesn't mean to come across as petty or some type of way but the way she apologizes, at least for me is genuine. The tone is what could rub off negatively with her feedback. I could be wrong though.

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

  • MobKaz said:
    MobKaz said:
    That's actually very good advice & I appreciate it.  In 4 weeks, I've knocked out venue, dress, guest list, hotel block, asked all bridesmaids in person, found their dresses, selected a cake, and received Save the Dates, all while working full time & traveling to no less than 7 cities in that same four weeks.  Interestingly, I've experienced zero stress and have had a ton of fun doing these activities.  I credit that stresslessness to finding the right person & being so excited to throw a fun party for my friends, family, coworkers, and fiance's family, friends, & coworkers.  It's clear I didn't give enough detail in my original post but I'm going to have to stick by my original reaction of being disappointed in the comments.  It really has nothing to do with the wedding but in a larger sense I just hate the way people on the internet treat each other.  It's why I never post comments (and why I didn't know how to use the quote thing).  I just tend to be put off by people making assumptions that are completely baseless and untrue - and now I see that they made those assumptions b/c I provided so little detail.  But they were still wrong and I didn't get a lot out of this experience except to learn that this is not the best forum for me to seek advice.  I guess I'm better at face to face interactions.  In any case, thank you for taking the time to respond & I hope you have a great holiday. 
    YOU "found their dresses"? I hope you asked each BM, confidentially, for their dress budget. I hope you gave them some choices and a voice in the dress selection. I hope you considered the individual comfort, personality, and modesty level of each bridesmaid. YOUR statement, and understand we can only respond to what YOU post, makes it sound as if you single handedly, without any input, decided on their attire for the day. That would not be cool.
    I have no idea what you are talking about.
    My comment could not be clearer.  YOU said YOU found BM dresses.  My basic questions were:
    1.  Did you ask your BM's what they were comfortable spending for these dresses?
    2.  Did your BM's have any input into the selection of the dresses?

    These questions are not rocket science.
    While 'I agree that it's a nice thing to allow your bridesmaids input on their attire, a bride can choose the dress independent of her bridesmaids. She does need to ask their budget though, but really, how many brides do?
    Right on.  I didn't really answer those questions b/c they were irrelevant to the original post and sort of came out of nowhere.  Of course I discussed the choices with my bridal party & in fact had my MOH help me select.  Budget is not an issue since I'm purchasing them for them.  I'm thinking I must have been in about 10-15 weddings over the course of my lifetime and was never asked once about what style dress I preferred or my budget.  This didn't bother me in the least and even though I can't think of a single bridesmaids dress I ever wore again, I didn't give it a 2nd thought as I was so grateful to have been included in the bridal party.  Either way, that lady was just picking on nothing b/c I said "I found their dresses".  TBH, I ordered one for myself as well b/c they are so flattering & can definitely be worn again.  Nouvelle Amsale N358 I think.  Definitely recommend.  I literally defy anyone to not look and feel great in that dress :)
  • MobKaz said:
    MobKaz said:
    I have said this before and it bears repeating.  Perhaps instead of the BRIDE forcing choices on her BRIDESMAIDS, with no thought at all to their personal style, comfort level, or budget, the FRIEND marrying should keep the FRIENDSHIP foremost with her friends.
    Not sure how you bent the space & time continuum to have been present for all of my discussions & activities with my bridal party, especially w/o me noticing you lurking about but I applaud your sorcery. FRIENDSHIP (all caps) is why I have a bridal party.  Half family, half friends,  100% pumped for this experience.  
  • Yeah, ya lost me there.  First it's "unbiased opinion", now it's facts.  I can't keep up & am clearly confused.  All I know is, I posted a benign question, got about net zero of good advice, and a ration of criticism.  Being a scientist, I guess I tend to be a little more analytical in terms of communicating but then again, this was my first and I'm sure will be my last post.   Either way, I'm glad you taught me about that quote thing.  Seemed like hitting "reply" would have made sense but at least I learned a new trick today.  
    Oh FFS, I'm a scientist and if you were too then you would read the responses for what they are and remove all emotional defensiveness from your interpretation of those comments. 

    People were trying to give you advice and to explain that "BM duties" are a misconception, that's it.
    Thanks, but that wasn't the subject of the original post.  No worries, this whole thing got out of hand completely.  Literally I'm always a "lurker" on internet comments & now I know why!  Super weird experience. 
  • AddieCake said:
    I'm not a scientist, but I like the idea of mixing my own potions.
    AddieCake said:
    I'm not a scientist, but I like the idea of mixing my own potions.
    That's too bad, b/c being a scientist is pretty effing awesome.  It allows you to think in terms of facts & data & not get all caught up in emotions and angst like this sewing circle.  Either way, you can always mix your own potions, especially if you procure a good bottle of bourbon, some nice ice cubes, and a tasty bottle of bitters.  Just my opinion, based on years of peer-reviewed research.  Have a great night.  
    But you were the one getting all emotional not us. We were being objective, you know like a scientist should be. We don't know you, and we can only give conclusions based on the the data we were given..

    I really am a scientist. Sounds like you are too; my comment about you being too emotional to be a scientist was more of a joke. 
    Fair enough.  I guess I just expected a different tone & it seemed like no matter what, people assume the absolute worst about the OP.  Was disheartening.  One lady didn't even get that I was completely joking about a sloth not wearing dresses.  Had to facepalm on that one.  
    butterscotchjbeans
  • I got Kahlua that I made myself. I have plastic dinosaurs all over the living room tables. I think some are terrorizing the train table like Godzilla. I have a stuffed koala in a dress on the couch next to me. I'm enjoying my lovely adult beverage rather than picking up the dinosaur invasion. Am I a scientist now?

    Yes, and a fine one at that. 
  • Exactly.  Getting pressed about strangers getting pressed about strangers (me).  It's an endless loop.  

    I'm on vacation with a sick fiance so I have some extra time. Planning the wedding & getting work done & this is just too amusing to not participate in.  For me, it's like an interesting social experiment.  It's funny to see so many people who have never met me, and who in all honesty would probably love hanging out, chatting, coming to one of my parties, etc. get all bent over literally the smallest things & make assumptions about me that are based on nothing but a few random internet comments.  I wouldn't say it's high comedy, but it's keeping me interested for the time being.  Cheers. 
    beethery said:
    For someone who's supposedly "above" this "sewing circle" or whatever we're called, you sure seem to be putting a lot of effort into petty comebacks. Why bother coming back with retorts over and over? Looks like you enjoy sewing too.
    SCIENTISTS DON'T SEW! They get pressed about strangers on the internet!

    SCIENCE.
    But is this a fact backed up by "peer reviewed research"?!?
    It is!!!

    image

  • AlexisA01 said:
    I am guessing and COULD be off base but I can sense the OP could be socially awkward. It explains how she is with her replies. I feel that she really doesn't mean to come across as petty or some type of way but the way she apologizes, at least for me is genuine. The tone is what could rub off negatively with her feedback. I could be wrong though.
    Thanks for the props.  I actually am sorry that I didn't provide enough detail in my original post which resulted in this thread taking a tangent that defies the laws of math and physics.  Couldn't follow it even if I still had a graphing calculator.  Honestly, getting this involved THIS much in this post is the most socially awkward thing I've ever done (except for that one time when a girlfriend and I overindulged at a happy hour, decided to go over and meet some neighbors we had never met b/c we thought they were having a house party and it wound up being a wake) but aside from THAT, I'm actually not that awkward.  I can say with confidence, however, that I come off WAY better in person than on the interwebs but after this experience, I think that's probably a good thing.  What I still stand by, is that I actually understand that I don't know anyone on here and thus would never make assumptions about them.  Most of the assumptions that have been made about me (perhaps from some of my comments) are completely inaccurate.  I wish everyone thought that way but I suppose if we were all the same there would be no fun.  In any case, thanks for the comment.    
  • slothiegalslothiegal member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2014
    Fair enough.  I guess I just expected a different tone & it seemed like no matter what, people assume the absolute worst about the OP.  Was disheartening.  One lady didn't even get that I was completely joking about a sloth not wearing dresses.  Had to facepalm on that one.  
    Yeah, no, she got it.  It just wasn't funny.


    etf cut down the box
    Anniversary

    image
  • I have a very close friend who I would love to have as a bridesmaid, but I'm sensitive to her personal responsibilities (she is a physician completing a fellowship, a new bride, and will be moving soon after my wedding).  Is it appropriate to give her a choice between being a bridesmaid and doing a reading or should I ask her to be a bridesmaid and let her know she could do a reading instead if she is too busy?  I want her to know I wish for her to stand by me on the day of my wedding, but I don't want her to feel obligated to take on the responsibilities and time commitment of being a bridesmaid.  Is there an etiquette here I should know about?  Thank you!

    If you want to honor your friend, just ask her to be one of your attendants. Please don't offer to make her a reader as that is really not an honor. If she says yes-great-you have a bridesmaid. If she says no-a guest with no hard feelings on her part. She will be flattered that you asked whether or not she accepts.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • SanSmith2 said:
    I have a very close friend who I would love to have as a bridesmaid, but I'm sensitive to her personal responsibilities (she is a physician completing a fellowship, a new bride, and will be moving soon after my wedding).  Is it appropriate to give her a choice between being a bridesmaid and doing a reading or should I ask her to be a bridesmaid and let her know she could do a reading instead if she is too busy?  I want her to know I wish for her to stand by me on the day of my wedding, but I don't want her to feel obligated to take on the responsibilities and time commitment of being a bridesmaid.  Is there an etiquette here I should know about?  Thank you!
    If you want to honor your friend, just ask her to be one of your attendants. Please don't offer to make her a reader as that is really not an honor. If she says yes-great-you have a bridesmaid. If she says no-a guest with no hard feelings on her part. She will be flattered that you asked whether or not she accepts.
    Thank you, that was helpful.  I did end up asking her to be a bridesmaid b/c it just felt like the right thing to do after all.  I do think that it's an honor to be a reader though - participating in the ceremony is a special thing, at least in my experience.  I was happy to be asked to do readings in a couple of friend's weddings.  Either way, it all worked out, I have a fantastic, diverse, and dynamic bridal party & I appreciate your comment!  
  • Fair enough.  I guess I just expected a different tone & it seemed like no matter what, people assume the absolute worst about the OP.  Was disheartening.  One lady didn't even get that I was completely joking about a sloth not wearing dresses.  Had to facepalm on that one.  
    Yeah, no, she got it.  It just wasn't funny.


    etf cut down the box

    Grouchy again this evening, I see. 
  • Apparently I picked dresses wrong tonight. Damn. Got with my friends, said knee length or so, chiffon or similar floaty dress, lace is ok if you like, color can't clash with the pink I'm wearing. We're dress shopping tomorrow, since we all are off. Navy was the agreed color, they all like it and figure it's more wearable in the future than other colors. I said ok, I have wedding colors now. Yup, that's how my lazy butt decided. A year in advance, oh well.
  • edited December 2014




    MobKaz said:




    MobKaz said:



    That's actually very good advice & I appreciate it.  In 4 weeks, I've knocked out venue, dress, guest list, hotel block, asked all bridesmaids in person, found their dresses, selected a cake, and received Save the Dates, all while working full time & traveling to no less than 7 cities in that same four weeks.  Interestingly, I've experienced zero stress and have had a ton of fun doing these activities.  I credit that stresslessness to finding the right person & being so excited to throw a fun party for my friends, family, coworkers, and fiance's family, friends, & coworkers.  It's clear I didn't give enough detail in my original post but I'm going to have to stick by my original reaction of being disappointed in the comments.  It really has nothing to do with the wedding but in a larger sense I just hate the way people on the internet treat each other.  It's why I never post comments (and why I didn't know how to use the quote thing).  I just tend to be put off by people making assumptions that are completely baseless and untrue - and now I see that they made those assumptions b/c I provided so little detail.  But they were still wrong and I didn't get a lot out of this experience except to learn that this is not the best forum for me to seek advice.  I guess I'm better at face to face interactions.  In any case, thank you for taking the time to respond & I hope you have a great holiday. 



    YOU "found their dresses"? I hope you asked each BM, confidentially, for their dress budget. I hope you gave them some choices and a voice in the dress selection. I hope you considered the individual comfort, personality, and modesty level of each bridesmaid. YOUR statement, and understand we can only respond to what YOU post, makes it sound as if you single handedly, without any input, decided on their attire for the day. That would not be cool.

    I have no idea what you are talking about.

    My comment could not be clearer.  YOU said YOU found BM dresses.  My basic questions were:
    1.  Did you ask your BM's what they were comfortable spending for these dresses?
    2.  Did your BM's have any input into the selection of the dresses?

    These questions are not rocket science.



    While 'I agree that it's a nice thing to allow your bridesmaids input on their attire, a bride can choose the dress independent of her bridesmaids. She does need to ask their budget though, but really, how many brides do?


    Right on.  I didn't really answer those questions b/c they were irrelevant to the original post and sort of came out of nowhere.  Of course I discussed the choices with my bridal party & in fact had my MOH help me select.  Budget is not an issue since I'm purchasing them for them.  I'm thinking I must have been in about 10-15 weddings over the course of my lifetime and was never asked once about what style dress I preferred or my budget.  This didn't bother me in the least and even though I can't think of a single bridesmaids dress I ever wore again, I didn't give it a 2nd thought as I was so grateful to have been included in the bridal party.  Either way, that lady was just picking on nothing b/c I said "I found their dresses".  TBH, I ordered one for myself as well b/c they are so flattering & can definitely be worn again.  Nouvelle Amsale N358 I think.  Definitely recommend.  I literally defy anyone to not look and feel great in that dress :)

    I can guarantee that dress would be a hot mess on me. I tried on similar from the line. It doesn't drape worth shit over anything over a Polish G cup bra. Made me look short and dumpy when that straighter skirt is absolutely the best on me normally. Not universally flattering in the least. Plus, several of my friends can't wear that style. My MOH is gorgeous, but a true hourglass and the straight style with no defined waist looks like a sloppy sack on her because she has far too much fabric in the waist.
    levioosamrsdee15manillabar
  • I'm just here to say I checked out the dress and...no, I would not look or feel great in that dress. There would be cleavage exploding from that hole in the front and anything requiring a strapless bra is kind of cruel if you've got any busty friends. I'm not a big girl anywhere but my boobs but there is no way that dress would be happening.

    This is obviously not my problem, but because you claimed everyone would love it...well, I was curious enough to look.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image
    manillabar
  • Right on.  I didn't really answer those questions b/c they were irrelevant to the original post and sort of came out of nowhere.  Of course I discussed the choices with my bridal party & in fact had my MOH help me select.  Budget is not an issue since I'm purchasing them for them.  I'm thinking I must have been in about 10-15 weddings over the course of my lifetime and was never asked once about what style dress I preferred or my budget.  This didn't bother me in the least and even though I can't think of a single bridesmaids dress I ever wore again, I didn't give it a 2nd thought as I was so grateful to have been included in the bridal party.  Either way, that lady was just picking on nothing b/c I said "I found their dresses".  TBH, I ordered one for myself as well b/c they are so flattering & can definitely be worn again.  Nouvelle Amsale N358 I think.  Definitely recommend.  I literally defy anyone to not look and feel great in that dress :)

    Sorry, N328
    I would feel like a frumpy sack of potatoes in that dress. I would also be uncomfortable bc I had to wear a strapless bra and cups can't be sewn into something that flowy. I'd wear it and put a smile on my face if I was your BM, but I most definitely would not feel great in it, even if I looked great in it.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    manillabar
  • beetherybeethery member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2014
    I like that dress, it's very pretty. And it'd look fabulous on anyone who is not made out of carbs and cheese like I am. I'd be pressed if that dress got dictated to me because I would look like a mess in it.
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

    image
    ashley8918manillabar
  • image

    Yeeeeeaaaah, Sorry to burst your "the world is full of rainbows and everyone loves what I love" bubble but I would not be happy having to wear this. Would I do it for a friend/family member that I love? Sure! I'd smile and say it's great but then gripe about having to wear it to DH because on me, I would look hideous. I am a true hourglass and my bodacious ta-ta's look terrible in anything that has a keyhole style neck like that. Not to mention the waist tie would totally make me look preggers.

    Anniversary

    BabyFruit Ticker

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    manillabar
  • edited June 2015
  • I would look like shit in that dress.  Even when I was 100 pounds I would have looked like shit in that dress.  I have an hourglass figure and that cut is not flattering to hourglass figures.  I love seeing that type of dress on my friends though. 


    image
    PrettyGirlLostmanillabar
  • image

    Yeeeeeaaaah, Sorry to burst your "the world is full of rainbows and everyone loves what I love" bubble but I would not be happy having to wear this. Would I do it for a friend/family member that I love? Sure! I'd smile and say it's great but then gripe about having to wear it to DH because on me, I would look hideous. I am a true hourglass and my bodacious ta-ta's look terrible in anything that has a keyhole style neck like that. Not to mention the waist tie would totally make me look preggers.

    Sorry to burst your bubble, but this actually isn't about you.  My bad for not soliciting your input.  Peace out y'all, this thread has officially jumped the shark. 
  • image

    Yeeeeeaaaah, Sorry to burst your "the world is full of rainbows and everyone loves what I love" bubble but I would not be happy having to wear this. Would I do it for a friend/family member that I love? Sure! I'd smile and say it's great but then gripe about having to wear it to DH because on me, I would look hideous. I am a true hourglass and my bodacious ta-ta's look terrible in anything that has a keyhole style neck like that. Not to mention the waist tie would totally make me look preggers.

    Sorry to burst your bubble, but this actually isn't about you.  My bad for not soliciting your input.  Peace out y'all, this thread has officially jumped the shark. 
    Can we count on your comedy sitcom not being renewed next season??
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    amelishabeethery
  • slothiegalslothiegal member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2014
    onefootinthebayou said: CamiSelene said: imageYeeeeeaaaah, Sorry to burst your "the world is full of rainbows and everyone loves what I love" bubble but I would not be happy having to wear this. Would I do it for a friend/family member that I love? Sure! I'd smile and say it's great but then gripe about having to wear it to DH because on me, I would look hideous. I am a true hourglass and my bodacious ta-ta's look terrible in anything that has a keyhole style neck like that. Not to mention the waist tie would totally make me look preggers. Sorry to burst your bubble, but this actually isn't about you.  My bad for not soliciting your input.  Peace out y'all, this thread has officially jumped the shark. 

    --------


    Sorry, but bridesmaids dresses aren't about you, either--they're about your nearest and dearest and how they feel in them.  People were pointing out the importance of discussing dress choices with the bridal party (and not just to
    you, but all lurkers).


    ETA holy fuck I don't know what happened with boxes
    Anniversary

    image
    fwtx5815PrettyGirlLostCamiSelene
  • image

    Yeeeeeaaaah, Sorry to burst your "the world is full of rainbows and everyone loves what I love" bubble but I would not be happy having to wear this. Would I do it for a friend/family member that I love? Sure! I'd smile and say it's great but then gripe about having to wear it to DH because on me, I would look hideous. I am a true hourglass and my bodacious ta-ta's look terrible in anything that has a keyhole style neck like that. Not to mention the waist tie would totally make me look preggers.

    Sorry to burst your bubble, but this actually isn't about you.  My bad for not soliciting your input.  Peace out y'all, this thread has officially jumped the shark. 




    --------





    Sorry, but bridesmaids dresses aren't about you, either--they're about your nearest and dearest and how they feel in them.  People were pointing out the importance of discussing dress choices with the bridal party (and not just to you, but all lurkers).


    ETA holy fuck I don't know what happened with boxes
    Once more, your comment is pointless.  These dresses WERE selected by the MOH & bridesmaids, y'all just wish they weren't so y'all can beat up on me some more for literally baseless claims.  The conversation is no longer productive, it's taken an ugly turn, and I no longer wish to be a part of it. 
  • Once more, your comment is pointless.  These dresses WERE selected by the MOH & bridesmaids, y'all just wish they weren't so y'all can beat up on me some more for literally baseless claims.  The conversation is no longer productive, it's taken an ugly turn, and I no longer wish to be a part of it. 
    And I pointed out that it was a discussion for ALL lurkers, since it's a very common issue that's brought up.  

    If you don't want to be a part of the conversation, stop responding.  SCIENCE.
    This is so confusing.  I'm sure you're not horrific so let's just agree that my bridesmaids dresses are nobody's business but mine and THEIRS (who helped select them) and I'm just annoyed that all of these people are literally looking for anything to criticize (which is an unfortunate and sad habit) for literally no reason.  It's not helpful, it's not productive, and it's unpleasant. I would  NEVER go to someone else's thread & get all aggro on them like this.  Like I said before, I expected more from this website since I assumed that everyone is in this happy place of being engaged and planning a wedding and despite the periodic stresses, it's actually a pretty effing great experience.  I can honestly say the ONLY unpleasant thing about this whole experience has been making the mistake of posting a (super benign) question on The Knot and opening my fun experience to this squadron of rando critics.  I think it's cool to provide criticism to people you actually know and have had a real, substantive discussion with but to actually pop on here randomly to find a bunch of nobodies being all, "well I would look horrible in that dress" is literally ridic.  My bridesmaids dresses were not up for discussion!  None of y'all know me OR them!  Or the personal and intimate conversations we've had...or the nature of our relationships...or how long we've known each other...or ANYTHING.  I just wish ONE person could see my point which is to say, if your comment is not helpful, or aggressive, or rude, just don't make it. 
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