Inviting cousin's druggy boyfriend...

ambiguousbride

My first cousin is dating a guy that had a "back injury" right before meeting her, he never went to the doctor for it and claims to use one of his family members scripts for his pain pills, which he consumes by the fist full. HE'S A DOPE HEAD plain and simple, he is never lucid and I am very uncomfortable around him. At our family Christmas party he came and was nodding out mid conversation during dinner. Many of my other relatives have noticed this as well. My fiance and I had a party at our house and my fiance followed him whenever he wondered off, because he did not trust him in our house. I do NOT want this guy at my wedding or anywhere near my son, I should not have to worry about this guy digging through my guests stuff in the coat closet (there is no coat check) Oh and things have gone missing at some family get togethers since she starting bringing him around. Just back story, they do not live together, and my cousin is only 19 and still lives at home with her mother.

So basically I would like some advice as to how any of you would handle such an awkward situation. 

Jen4948

Have security ready to escort him out or call the police if necessary.  And do provide everyone a locked storage area so he can't go through it.

Otherwise, don't invite your cousin.

ambiguousbride

I agree with the security thing, but the coat closet does not have a door and is not visible from the main reception area.

Jen4948

ambiguousbride said:

I agree with the security thing, but the coat closet does not have a door and is not visible from the main reception area.

Have a security person guard it.  And/Or, use an unoccupied room, like an office, that does have a lock, for storage.

AddieCake

I agree with Jen. 

ETA: You can't just not invite him. If you had proof that he was a thief, then ok, but since things have just allegedly gone missing since he came around, excluding him would be a dick move and cause you problems with your cousin. 

indianaalum

SO must be invited, so your only option is to not invite your cousin if you don't want him there.

Or...as others said, hire security, but that seems excessive

climbingsingle

These are not reasons to not invite your relative's SO. You have no proof he stole anything. If you really don't want him there, don't invite your cousin.

JCbride2015

ambiguousbride said:

My first cousin is dating a guy that had a "back injury" right before meeting her, he never went to the doctor for it and claims to use one of his family members scripts for his pain pills, which he consumes by the fist full. HE'S A DOPE HEAD plain and simple, he is never lucid and I am very uncomfortable around him. At our family Christmas party he came and was nodding out mid conversation during dinner. Many of my other relatives have noticed this as well. My fiance and I had a party at our house and my fiance followed him whenever he wondered off, because he did not trust him in our house. I do NOT want this guy at my wedding or anywhere near my son, I should not have to worry about this guy digging through my guests stuff in the coat closet (there is no coat check) Oh and things have gone missing at some family get togethers since she starting bringing him around. Just back story, they do not live together, and my cousin is only 19 and still lives at home with her mother.

So basically I would like some advice as to how any of you would handle such an awkward situation. 

He's a package deal with your cousin.  If you really don't want him there, don't invite your cousin.

If you must invite them, you could hire security or find a more secure location for coats, bags, and gifts.

beethery

I'm inviting my cousin's druggie boyfriend. He is a worthless POS, who steals shit and hocks it for drug money. Our venue requires that a police officer be present for the event.

Even if the venue didn't require it, I'd be working it out. Check into that option.

WhatawagSBNy

Do not invite him.

  Ordinarily you would if he is an established member of a couple, someone who clearly has been introduced around and accepted over time as her boyfriend.  This is true regardless of where she lives or whether she is 18 or 33.

No one need invite someone as a guest if that person's own bad behavior - violence, excessive use of alcohol, drug use for medications not prescribed for him legally,  suspected theft to support a drug habit.

I he has even just 1 drink, and it mixes badly with his self medication,  you could be held liable for anything.  Damage, an accident, him becoming comatose for 10 years.

It is like a bar owner who serves someone who entered their bar with 10 drinks in 4 hours already,  but still walking and talking.  They serve 2 drinks, and they become fully or 50% liable for anything that happens,  because the law says you may not serve any drinks, as bar or as private host, to someone who may already be intoxicated or may be know to be using drugs which could combine for bad effects.

climbingsingle

WhatawagSBNy said:

Do not invite him.

  Ordinarily you would if he is an established member of a couple, someone who clearly has been introduced around and accepted over time as her boyfriend.  This is true regardless of where she lives or whether she is 18 or 33.

No one need invite someone as a guest if that person's own bad behavior - violence, excessive use of alcohol, drug use for medications not prescribed for him legally,  suspected theft to support a drug habit.

I he has even just 1 drink, and it mixes badly with his self medication,  you could be held liable for anything.  Damage, an accident, him becoming comatose for 10 years.

It is like a bar owner who serves someone who entered their bar with 10 drinks in 4 hours already,  but still walking and talking.  They serve 2 drinks, and they become fully or 50% liable for anything that happens,  because the law says you may not serve any drinks, as bar or as private host, to someone who may already be intoxicated or may be know to be using drugs which could combine for bad effects.

Ok, this is not proper etiquette advice.

How is this man not an "established member of the couple"? Either way, it doesn't matter. Etiquette dictates that if someone considers themselves in a relationship, their SO needs to be invited.

Where did the OP mention violence? You're reading things into this post that are not even there. Maybe this person doesn't even drink.

OP - invite both or neither.

slothiegal

WhatawagSBNy said:

Do not invite him.

  Ordinarily you would if he is an established member of a couple, someone who clearly has been introduced around and accepted over time as her boyfriend.  This is true regardless of where she lives or whether she is 18 or 33.

No one need invite someone as a guest if that person's own bad behavior - violence, excessive use of alcohol, drug use for medications not prescribed for him legally,  suspected theft to support a drug habit.

I he has even just 1 drink, and it mixes badly with his self medication,  you could be held liable for anything.  Damage, an accident, him becoming comatose for 10 years.

It is like a bar owner who serves someone who entered their bar with 10 drinks in 4 hours already,  but still walking and talking.  They serve 2 drinks, and they become fully or 50% liable for anything that happens,  because the law says you may not serve any drinks, as bar or as private host, to someone who may already be intoxicated or may be know to be using drugs which could combine for bad effects.

Jesus you're making a lot of assumptions. Just like OP.

WhatawagSBNy

I said that he is clearly a part of a couple, and usually this means invite him.
But several things trump or take precedence over usual etiquette. Violence ever directed towards anyone else attending (not his issue), drug use which can lead to your liability if you know it and serve anything to drink (his problem), or if he simply passes out and is hurt, chronic excessive drinking (not his issue) or illegal behavior like stealing (not known to be his issue, only suspected.)
Any one of these - his drug use, in this case- justifies barring him from the event.

From Emily Post to Miss Manners and a host of others, anyone in the serious etiquette biz will say his own behavior disqualifies him from being included as guest of a guest.

Some venues have a small print clause which voids your contract if you knowingly bring someone already under the influence to your event. So if anything happens, the wedding host may be fully liable.
Are you as a couple, or with your parents, willing to pay up through losing your possessions and having your pay attached if something happens to him or because of him, including while he is driving home? That is the question the hosts need to ask themselves.

huskypuppy14

WhatawagSBNy said:

I said that he is clearly a part of a couple, and usually this means invite him. But several things trump or take precedence over usual etiquette. Violence ever directed towards anyone else attending (not his issue), drug use which can lead to your liability if you know it and serve anything to drink (his problem), or if he simply passes out and is hurt, chronic excessive drinking (not his issue) or illegal behavior like stealing (not known to be his issue, only suspected.) Any one of these - his drug use, in this case- justifies barring him from the event. From Emily Post to Miss Manners and a host of others, anyone in the serious etiquette biz will say his own behavior disqualifies him from being included as guest of a guest. Some venues have a small print clause which voids your contract if you knowingly bring someone already under the influence to your event. So if anything happens, the wedding host may be fully liable. Are you as a couple, or with your parents, willing to pay up through losing your possessions and having your pay attached if something happens to him or because of him, including while he is driving home? That is the question the hosts need to ask themselves.

It's not the OPs liability. It would be her venue, and I'm sure they have insurance. You are making so many assumptions.

OP, if you want validation for not inviting your cousin's boyfriend, you're not going to get it here.

apromise22

I think you don't have to invite him. The thought of him attending your wedding clearly brings you anxiety. Plus, most venue's contracts have a section that states that you're responsible for the misbehavior of any intoxicated guests. I personally would not want to take that sort of gamble on my teenage cousin's boyfriend. 

JCbride2015

nhs226 said:

I think you don't have to invite him. The thought of him attending your wedding clearly brings you anxiety. Plus, most venue's contracts have a section that states that you're responsible for the misbehavior of any intoxicated guests. I personally would not want to take that sort of gamble on my teenage cousin's boyfriend. 

So much wrong.  Just because somebody has a drug problem does NOT mean you get to exclude them when they've never shown violence or been a danger to anyone.

And that "teenage" cousin is clearly an adult and her age has nothing to do with this.

AddieCake

nhs226 said:

I think you don't have to invite him. The thought of him attending your wedding clearly brings you anxiety. Plus, most venue's contracts have a section that states that you're responsible for the misbehavior of any intoxicated guests. I personally would not want to take that sort of gamble on my teenage cousin's boyfriend. 

No.

ohannabelle

WhatawagSBNy said:

Do not invite him.

  Ordinarily you would if he is an established member of a couple, someone who clearly has been introduced around and accepted over time as her boyfriend.  This is true regardless of where she lives or whether she is 18 or 33.

No one need invite someone as a guest if that person's own bad behavior - violence, excessive use of alcohol, drug use for medications not prescribed for him legally,  suspected theft to support a drug habit.

I he has even just 1 drink, and it mixes badly with his self medication,  you could be held liable for anything.  Damage, an accident, him becoming comatose for 10 years.

It is like a bar owner who serves someone who entered their bar with 10 drinks in 4 hours already,  but still walking and talking.  They serve 2 drinks, and they become fully or 50% liable for anything that happens,  because the law says you may not serve any drinks, as bar or as private host, to someone who may already be intoxicated or may be know to be using drugs which could combine for bad effects.

Bad etiquette advice, bad legal advice. 

Any number of guests might be taking meds that interact badly with alcohol. What law is it that would require a host to have knowledge of this? Do we send questionnaires out with the RSVP cards? Pass those cards on to the bartender?

Proving in court that a bartender/host knowingly and deliberately over served a guest is just not as easy as people believe, for any number of reasons. 

To the bolded- Do you really believe that serving someone one drink would result in a court saying, yep, you (or more absurdly, a bartender in a public establishment ) should have known Aunt Ethel was on anti anxiety meds, and she never should have had that drink?

Nope. If people were held to that standard of responsibility, there wouldn't be a bar or cocktail lounge left standing. 

The bartender is responsible for not over serving, yes, and making sure that guests are of legal age, but the ultimate responsibility and liability rests exactly where it belongs- on the shoulders of the adult who chooses to drink. 

MobKaz

@whatawagSBNy said, "No one need invite someone as a guest if that person's own bad behavior - violence, excessive use of alcohol, drug use for medications not prescribed for him legally,  suspected theft to support a drug habit."

If overdrinking is a criteria, my 4 brothers and a good portion of my nephews would be off our lists.  Excessive is also a relative term.  My brothers can throw back many drinks before they even appear stupid.  I, on the other hand, get goofy after 2 drinks. 

OP, you say your cousin is only 19.  Is her BF underage as well?  If he is, then the problem is solved.  Our venue carded everyone.  Even if he is over 21, if he is flaky enough to forget an ID, then the problem could be solved as well.  Invite neither or both.  Those are your choices.

larrygaga

Popping pills=thief

Check your sterotype

beethery

larrygaga said:

Popping pills=thief

Check your sterotype

This. Pillheads are not always thieves.

[Deleted User]

Your cousin and her boyfriend are a social unit.  Units are invited together, plain and simple.  Either you don't invite her and cause family drama, or invite them and be a good host.

If you have security concerns, then budget to cover security for your guests.  Don't assume that this person is a thief!

huskypuppy14

MobKaz said:

@whatawagSBNy said, "No one need invite someone as a guest if that person's own bad behavior - violence, excessive use of alcohol, drug use for medications not prescribed for him legally,  suspected theft to support a drug habit."

If overdrinking is a criteria, my 4 brothers and a good portion of my nephews would be off our lists.  Excessive is also a relative term.  My brothers can throw back many drinks before they even appear stupid.  I, on the other hand, get goofy after 2 drinks. 

OP, you say your cousin is only 19.  Is her BF underage as well?  If he is, then the problem is solved.  Our venue carded everyone.  Even if he is over 21, if he is flaky enough to forget an ID, then the problem could be solved as well.  Invite neither or both.  Those are your choices.

My venue didn't card anyone. My parent's best friends' 19 year old son was drinking beer at our wedding. His parents were right there letting him.  

ETA: My parents and I did not condone this, I didn't even know until after the fact.

climbingsingle

I was carded at a wedding when I was 28. Some places are obviously more strict than others. But OP I'm sure can request that of the staff at the venue.

danamw

I would be goddammed if I would allow myself to be forced to invite someone to an event I am having, someone I know is a POS. If I hate someone's behavior so much, I am not inviting him. Even if it means I can't invite my cousin. Who must be a POS herself, for associating with him. I don't care whose feelings are hurt. I would state, if asked, why I am not inviting them.

If I have to hire a guard because of some guest of mine? No way. I am not having such a guest.

velvethelicopters

All weddings with alcohol I have attended have carded me. Granted, I knew how to get around that also.

Would I invite this person? Nope. Not worth my anxiety. However, I would also not be inviting the family member. They can learn if they pick questionable people in their lives, acceptance of such is not guaranteed.

Fixes my anxiety and follows etiquette. Win win.

But I'm clearly a raving bitch who has no respect for family, as I've heard before I burned familial bridges after dousing them in fuel oil.

AddieCake

danamw said:

I would be goddammed if I would allow myself to be forced to invite someone to an event I am having, someone I know is a POS. If I hate someone's behavior so much, I am not inviting him. Even if it means I can't invite my cousin. Who must be a POS herself, for associating with him. I don't care whose feelings are hurt. I would state, if asked, why I am not inviting them.

If I have to hire a guard because of some guest of mine? No way. I am not having such a guest.

So people addicted to pain killers and those who care about them are just automatically pieces of shit? Nice.

mlg78

danamw said:

I would be goddammed if I would allow myself to be forced to invite someone to an event I am having, someone I know is a POS. If I hate someone's behavior so much, I am not inviting him. Even if it means I can't invite my cousin. Who must be a POS herself, for associating with him. I don't care whose feelings are hurt. I would state, if asked, why I am not inviting them.

If I have to hire a guard because of some guest of mine? No way. I am not having such a guest.

Oh, my...  He's simply a prescription drug addict.  The OP didn't state anything showing he's a bad person...he's merely an addict who clearly needs some help...

beethery

danamw said:

I would be goddammed if I would allow myself to be forced to invite someone to an event I am having, someone I know is a POS. If I hate someone's behavior so much, I am not inviting him. Even if it means I can't invite my cousin. Who must be a POS herself, for associating with him. I don't care whose feelings are hurt. I would state, if asked, why I am not inviting them.

If I have to hire a guard because of some guest of mine? No way. I am not having such a guest.

CMGragain

OP, this is a teenage relationship.  It might be over by the time you mail your invitations.  If it is not over, then you need to invite him.  Chances are good that you have other guests with addiction problems.  You just don't know about them.

Are you planning to give pee tests to your guests for admission to your wedding?

mlg78

CMGragain said:

OP, this is a teenage relationship.  It might be over by the time you mail your invitations.  If it is not over, then you need to invite him.  Chances are good that you have other guests with addiction problems.  You just don't know about them.

Are you planning to give pee tests to your guests for admission to your wedding?

Urine tests would be the best wedding favor ever!