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Etiquette

Inviting cousin's druggy boyfriend...

2

Re: Inviting cousin's druggy boyfriend...

  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    danamw said:

    I would be goddammed if I would allow myself to be forced to invite someone to an event I am having, someone I know is a POS. If I hate someone's behavior so much, I am not inviting him. Even if it means I can't invite my cousin. Who must be a POS herself, for associating with him. I don't care whose feelings are hurt. I would state, if asked, why I am not inviting them.

    If I have to hire a guard because of some guest of mine? No way. I am not having such a guest.

    Lolz drug addicts are pieces of shit!

    What the fuck.
    Anniversary

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    ashley8918
  • My anxiety over drug abusers is because I have young children. I'm an over protective mother hen, can't help it. Sorry, not sorry on that.

    Do I think they're pieces of shit? No. I think they've made questionable choices, as have those who are involved with them. Now, if they admit to the problem and work on being sober, it's a different discussion. But until then, I'm uncomfortable with being around certain questionable behavior.

    I know I shouldn't be tossing rocks, as I am far from perfect and have cheerfully violated the Ten Commandments.

    But would not inviting either be acceptable or is that a bitch move?
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    My anxiety over drug abusers is because I have young children. I'm an over protective mother hen, can't help it. Sorry, not sorry on that.

    Do I think they're pieces of shit? No. I think they've made questionable choices, as have those who are involved with them. Now, if they admit to the problem and work on being sober, it's a different discussion. But until then, I'm uncomfortable with being around certain questionable behavior.

    I know I shouldn't be tossing rocks, as I am far from perfect and have cheerfully violated the Ten Commandments.

    But would not inviting either be acceptable or is that a bitch move?

    Your only choice is to invite both or neither. The "bitch" move would be to invite one without the other. You're perfectly entitled etiquette - wise to invite neither.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • So it looks like you won't be inviting either.  Are you prepared for the fall out from family on that decision since it'll likely create some drama for you?


  • To all the PPs, at what point does etiquette get trumped by the couple's needs? My photographer's contract stated that I would be held personally liable if anyone of the guests broke or stole the equipment. My venue's contract states the same thing. So do the contracts with my DJ, video etc. The only time I'm not liable is if the damage of theft is caused by another vendor, then their insurance kicks in. Now we are just talking about material things. What about personal safety? Or the couple's memory being tainted by the drama of having to have the person removed from the premises? That's not the same thing as a cute kid stealing the show because he busted out the worm. We're talking about a suspected thief and drug addict who I might have to get kicked out.


    A bitch move is "I can't stand that guy and I couldn't wait to stick it to him ever since he made that comment about my chin pimple. So he can stay home." 


  • I would speak to your cousin's mom about your concerns if you feel comfortable doing that. She may offer to keep an eye on him or offer up a solution. Etiquette is supposed to be about making everyone comfortable in social situations and you have to think about the safety and enjoyment of your other guests in this situation. If you think he is going to steal your gifts or your guests/vendors belongings you should warn your venue or hire security to keep an eye on him. You may want to speak to your venue about not over serving him as well. Wedding venues deal with sort of thing all the time. Unfortunately, it seems you are dealing with a serious family issue (your cousin being co-dependent to a drug addict by the age of 19) at the time of your wedding, which is not always the best time to address family issues. Maybe it will be a wake up call to your cousin if you do though.
    AroundTheBlock
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2014
    Are you serving alcohol at your reception?  Alcohol is just as much a drug as pills, marijuana, or other illegal substances.  You are more likely to have trouble with drunks than with someone who is stoned.
    I don't condone illegal drugs.  I just think you are concerned about something that you don't need to worry about.  I suspect your wanting to not invite this young man has more to do with your personal feelings about him.
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    AddieCakeaurorajanettelightningsnow
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2014
    I would speak to your cousin's mom about your concerns if you feel comfortable doing that. She may offer to keep an eye on him or offer up a solution. Etiquette is supposed to be about making everyone comfortable in social situations and you have to think about the safety and enjoyment of your other guests in this situation. If you think he is going to steal your gifts or your guests/vendors belongings you should warn your venue or hire security to keep an eye on him. You may want to speak to your venue about not over serving him as well. Wedding venues deal with sort of thing all the time. Unfortunately, it seems you are dealing with a serious family issue (your cousin being co-dependent to a drug addict by the age of 19) at the time of your wedding, which is not always the best time to address family issues. Maybe it will be a wake up call to your cousin if you do though.


    --------------------

    Once again, I must point out: there are so many assumptions and so many stereotypes at play here.  OP has NO evidence of this man being a thief, of being violent, etc.  Not to mention OP never mentioned her cousin being "co-dependent" or anything like that.  And why would she go to the cousin's mother?  Why not speak to the adult cousin?  

    Honestly, it just sounds like OP has made her own decisions about this person and does not want him around.  That's her prerogative, but that means she can not invite her cousin and she will have to deal with any possible fallout.  




    ETA boxes
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    AddieCakefwtx5815
  • It's possible the relationship won't last long and this will be a non-issue. If they're still together when you mail invites, you can decide to invite both or neither. You're not obligated to invite your cousin, so if you decide to not invite her, it goes that bf will sit sideline as well.

    If you invite both, consider hiring someone to do coat check. Get an extra table and chair and have them sit outside the coat closet all night passing out numbers and taking jackets. Usually someone simply being there is a theft deterrent (if he's actually a thief at all).
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  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    As always @ohannabelle, you've said exactly what I wanted to say, but in a much more coherent, focused way.  Thank you momma!
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  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2014
    TayanaC said:

    To all the PPs, at what point does etiquette get trumped by the couple's needs? My photographer's contract stated that I would be held personally liable if anyone of the guests broke or stole the equipment. My venue's contract states the same thing. So do the contracts with my DJ, video etc. The only time I'm not liable is if the damage of theft is caused by another vendor, then their insurance kicks in. Now we are just talking about material things. What about personal safety? Or the couple's memory being tainted by the drama of having to have the person removed from the premises? That's not the same thing as a cute kid stealing the show because he busted out the worm. We're talking about a suspected thief and drug addict who I might have to get kicked out.

    A bitch move is "I can't stand that guy and I couldn't wait to stick it to him ever since he made that comment about my chin pimple. So he can stay home." 

    My advice - don't hire and sign a contract that holds you personally responsible for your photog's equipment. He should have insurance for ALL theft, not just vendors. How will you know that a guest stole his camera and not a waiter? That's the one of the more ridiculous photo contract clauses I have heard, and I have heard a LOT of them. Better hope no one bumps into him or spills a drink on his camera on accident...things happen, that's what insurance is supposed to cover.

    It is entirely possible for anyone to get drunk and escorted out, any dear sweet 95 year old granny.

    Stop buying trouble making up ridiculous scenarios and get a new photog who is properly insured :)

    ETA - did the venue give you a price list in case someone drops a wine glass or plate at the buffet? I hope you are exaggerating about your liability. Intentionally destruction I can understand.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I smoke pot.  Better take myself off the invite list to my wedding.

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  • TayanaCTayanaC member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2014
    TayanaC said:

    To all the PPs, at what point does etiquette get trumped by the couple's needs? My photographer's contract stated that I would be held personally liable if anyone of the guests broke or stole the equipment. My venue's contract states the same thing. So do the contracts with my DJ, video etc. The only time I'm not liable is if the damage of theft is caused by another vendor, then their insurance kicks in. Now we are just talking about material things. What about personal safety? Or the couple's memory being tainted by the drama of having to have the person removed from the premises? That's not the same thing as a cute kid stealing the show because he busted out the worm. We're talking about a suspected thief and drug addict who I might have to get kicked out.

    A bitch move is "I can't stand that guy and I couldn't wait to stick it to him ever since he made that comment about my chin pimple. So he can stay home." 

    My advice - don't hire and sign a contract that holds you personally responsible for your photog's equipment. He should have insurance for ALL theft, not just vendors. How will you know that a guest stole his camera and not a waiter? That's the one of the more ridiculous photo contract clauses I have heard, and I have heard a LOT of them. Better hope no one bumps into him or spills a drink on his camera on accident...things happen, that's what insurance is supposed to cover.

    It is entirely possible for anyone to get drunk and escorted out, any dear sweet 95 year old granny.

    Stop buying trouble making up ridiculous scenarios and get a new photog who is properly insured :)

    ETA - did the venue give you a price list in case someone drops a wine glass or plate at the buffet? I hope you are exaggerating about your liability. Intentionally destruction I can understand.


    Of course these are ridiculous scenarios my dear! Because a drunk or a druggie has never behaved poorly in a social setting, caused damaged and required an escort. :)

    As much as I appreciate your concern for the quality of my vendor selection, I'm certainly covered for accidental damages :) :) :)

    Too bad someone who is an addict and could potentially steal something is not considered the exact same thing as a klutz who lacks the poise to carry more than one wine glass at a time! Smooches!

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  • My anxiety over drug abusers is because I have young children. I'm an over protective mother hen, can't help it. Sorry, not sorry on that. Do I think they're pieces of shit? No. I think they've made questionable choices, as have those who are involved with them. Now, if they admit to the problem and work on being sober, it's a different discussion. But until then, I'm uncomfortable with being around certain questionable behavior. I know I shouldn't be tossing rocks, as I am far from perfect and have cheerfully violated the Ten Commandments. But would not inviting either be acceptable or is that a bitch move?
    So, what exactly does having young children have to do with anything? Do you think someone that has a pill addiction is just going to start forcing pills down your kid's throat? 
    Seriously. People are saying some really ridiculous things here. And the children thing is really silly. Exactly what do you imagine might happen to your children at a four hour wedding? Are you going to quit supervising them and tell them to get a ride home with a stoned stranger? Do you think drug addicts want to share their stash with unsuspecting kids? Or that they want to give your kids a "drugs are good" lecture?

    Lots of people at a wedding have probably made "questionable" life choices, of various sorts. As long as you're adequately supervising and parenting your children, this will have absolutely zero affect on them.

    And B: You have no idea who might be a pill addict, at a wedding. Or an alcoholic, or whatever. Maybe there's a kleptomaniac in the crowd. You don't have a clue. 

    One of my very best friend's husband was addicted to pills. Orthopedic surgeon. Everybody loved him. Nobody even suspected. Betty Ford, for another example. The point is, you can't tell who might be an addict. If you think you're protecting your children, (from what, I'm not certain) it's an illusion. 


    Thank you! As someone who has worked with people with addictions for years, I was reading some of these comments (POS, thief, etc.) and getting so angry and frustrated with that narrow-minded thinking.
    ohannabelle
  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 The hills of Tennessee member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    TayanaC said:
    TayanaC said:

    To all the PPs, at what point does etiquette get trumped by the couple's needs? My photographer's contract stated that I would be held personally liable if anyone of the guests broke or stole the equipment. My venue's contract states the same thing. So do the contracts with my DJ, video etc. The only time I'm not liable is if the damage of theft is caused by another vendor, then their insurance kicks in. Now we are just talking about material things. What about personal safety? Or the couple's memory being tainted by the drama of having to have the person removed from the premises? That's not the same thing as a cute kid stealing the show because he busted out the worm. We're talking about a suspected thief and drug addict who I might have to get kicked out.

    A bitch move is "I can't stand that guy and I couldn't wait to stick it to him ever since he made that comment about my chin pimple. So he can stay home." 

    My advice - don't hire and sign a contract that holds you personally responsible for your photog's equipment. He should have insurance for ALL theft, not just vendors. How will you know that a guest stole his camera and not a waiter? That's the one of the more ridiculous photo contract clauses I have heard, and I have heard a LOT of them. Better hope no one bumps into him or spills a drink on his camera on accident...things happen, that's what insurance is supposed to cover.

    It is entirely possible for anyone to get drunk and escorted out, any dear sweet 95 year old granny.

    Stop buying trouble making up ridiculous scenarios and get a new photog who is properly insured :)

    ETA - did the venue give you a price list in case someone drops a wine glass or plate at the buffet? I hope you are exaggerating about your liability. Intentionally destruction I can understand.


    Of course these are ridiculous scenarios my dear! Because a drunk or a druggie has never behaved poorly in a social setting, caused damaged and required an escort. :)

    As much as I appreciate your concern for the quality of my vendor selection, I'm certainly covered for accidental damages :) :) :)

    Too bad someone who is an addict and could potentially steal something is not considered the exact same thing as a klutz who lacks the poise to carry more than one wine glass at a time! Smooches!

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    The judgment and superiority is showing sweetie. 

    It's shocking that the majority of events are held without a druggie or drunk being escorted out considering the number of alcoholics and prescription drug addicts in America. I'll bet you know at least one and don't even know they are an addict.

    To answer your original question - the couple's needs are trumped by etiquette the moment they invite anyone tot he wedding besides an officiant.

    That gif is in my signature and shows up on all my posts, so don't go thinking you're special and worth seeking out a gif for in my book. Thanks for finding it for me tho ~ xoxox. See, it will now post below.
    Yes to the bolded.  All of it.
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  • Unforuntately I have to agree with others that you have to invite him as being a SO. I would talk to venue and give them a heads up. Maybe for a fee they can have one of their staff be a coat room attendent for the night. If not, look into hiring security and have them by the coat closet. Also make sure the venue knows and advised their staff. You can even provide them a photo that if they see this person doing anything shady to alert a designated person to deal with the situation. Someone who can pull him aside quietly & address it so that it doesn't turn into a big scene. Also when planning for your card box, make sure it's something where the cards will be secure, not like an open box or a bird cage where envelopes can disapper easily. We had a guest where we were concerned about theft and some behaviour but we had to invite her because she was the SO of one of our GM. We advised our venue & they advised their staff. We took advantage of the card box the venue offers for free that is built into cake table which was locked and only way to get a card out was with a key. She behaved herself but it was nice having a plan in place. If his behavior gets out of control with having kids around, then you have every right to say to your cousin "Bob is a little out of control and I would prefer not to expose the kids to this, can you talk to him to see if you can calm him down or take him home?"
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    If anyone is genuinely concerned about their children being exposed to drug or alcohol addicts:
    If you are a human being, and live on planet earth, this will happen. 

    If your children notice, or comment on inappropriate behavior, address those concerns calmly, in an age appropriate way.
    To a five year old, you might say, Yes, Uncle Vinny was not well behaved tonight. He is having some problems and sometimes behaves badly. We love him anyway.

    To an eleven year old, you might say,  Yes, Uncle Vinny acted like an idiot tonight. He has some substance abuse problems, and it's unpleasant to be around it. We love him, but his behavior makes it really difficult for everyone.

    The latter, with an older child, will probably actually lead to an actual conversation about drug or alcohol abuse, and allow you, as a parent, to impart valuable information to your children about addiction, and the dangers of, etc.

    This is a much wiser parenting move than refusing to let the kids see or be around Uncle Vinny. Ignorance doesn't help or protect kids. It makes them vulnerable. Or ignorant. 
    I've always loved you.    

    My siblings used such experiences as teaching moments too.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    ohannabelle
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Your judgment and superiority is showing, sweetie. 

    It's shocking that the majority of events are held without a druggie or drunk being escorted out considering the number of alcoholics and prescription drug addicts in America. I'll bet you know at least one and don't even know they are an addict.

    To answer your original question - the couple's needs are trumped by etiquette the moment they invite anyone to the wedding besides an officiant.

    That gif is in my signature and shows up on all my posts, so don't go thinking you're special and worth seeking out a gif for in my book. Thanks for finding it for me tho ~ xoxox. See, it will now post below.
    THIS.

    I don't know why people act like drug addicts are some sort of mythological creature.  They are at the grocery store, they are at work, they at the mall returning crummy Christmas gifts.  Not everyone goes all "Requiem for a Dream".

    H struggled with pills a few years ago.  You would never know.  The guy graduated school, worked at NASA, and, SHOCK, was able to handle himself in many social situations.  I've caused more of a ruckus just after having too many gin and tonics.

    Drug abuse is a serious problem.  No one is debating that.  Clearly, if what OP said is true (and I'm taking it with a grain of salt), this boyfriend needs help.  Not a bunch of judgement of how it might ruin "MY DAY".  From what we've heard, this guy is no more of a liability than any other guest--but it sounds like he could use some support.
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  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My brother also struggled with pill addiction. You never would have known. He worked a full time job, made really good money, owned his own condo, had great credit. He certainly never stole from anyone.  He never caused any problems when we'd go out. He never was arrested. Now me, in my 20s after a few drinks? I could get rowdy. I once fell into a table and knocked every single glass onto the floor, which broke into millions of pieces. And I once was kicked out of a bar for being too drunk. So, there ya go. 

  • There are several people in my family who have had drug problems in the past and they might still have drug problems but they are certainly getting invited to my wedding, I can't think of any problems they would cause at my wedding (based upon past experiences with them). I am more worried about people drinking too much... but that is life.

    I do have to admit though (since she mentioned suspected theft with no proof) there is a person who has stolen (yes we have proof)  from several family members, including grandma, that I just can't get over.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Addiction has been a very painful thing in my family.  My brother has been a destructive force of nature in our house.  He has stolen, he has lied, he has created vast amounts of pain.  He watched while his friend assaulted me.  He has been in and out of rehab several times; unfortunately it hasn't stuck.  I would probably invite him to my wedding, but I would definitely have a coat check/security if he wasn't clean.  And depending on how far down the rabbit whole he was, I might not invite him at all. 

    But, on the flip side, we have family friends who are addicted to pain pills/are functional alcoholics.  While it might have caused problems in their marriages, they've never assaulted us, stolen from us, or otherwise harmed us.  If we weren't so close, we wouldn't even know at all. That's the majority of your drug users, not the ones who are all tweaked out and obvious. 

    Addiction sucks and is a terrible, terrible thing.  But lumping every user as a piece of shit only continues the stigma and prevents those who want help from getting it.  Is my brother a POS?  Yes.  Is every user a POS?  No.


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    plainjane0415
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