Too close friends want to be part of my bridesmaid :/

ladylc845

When My fiance and i got engaged. I was so excited about planning the wedding. Within two weeks I found out at least 3 of my friends would be devastated if they were not asked to by bridesmaid. The problem is

1. Guest will be 120-150

2. Fiance only has 3 people include the best man on his side

3. i'm going to have a total of 8 after my close friends, my sister and his sister

At first he was okay with having an uneven number but now he thinks it's crazy. I've never ever heard of girls WANTING to be bridesmaids. I'm not entirely sure what to do. How can i make sure the other 5 girls would not have their feelings hurt? I toyed with the idea of "honorary bridemaids" or "bridal attendant" but I don't want them to down play their relationship either.

HELP ME

thespeshulestsnowflake

ladylc845 said:

When My fiance and i got engaged. I was so excited about planning the wedding. Within two weeks I found out at least 3 of my friends would be devastated if they were not asked to by bridesmaid. The problem is

1. Guest will be 120-150

2. Fiance only has 3 people include the best man on his side

3. i'm going to have a total of 8 after my close friends, my sister and his sister

At first he was okay with having an uneven number but now he thinks it's crazy. I've never ever heard of girls WANTING to be bridesmaids. I'm not entirely sure what to do. How can i make sure the other 5 girls would not have their feelings hurt? I toyed with the idea of "honorary bridemaids" or "bridal attendant" but I don't want them to down play their relationship either.

HELP ME

Have you already asked anyone to be bridesmaids? If so, you cannot unask them. Even parties are not necessary. You have no say in your FI's party and he has no say in yours. Finally, please, please, please do not have "honorary bridemaids" or "bridal attendant". These are BS, made-up roles. All your bridal party needs to do is buy dress, show up (decently) sober, and participate in some pictures.

mikenberger

Honorary bridesmaid is made up. Bridal attendant... also kind of made up but it's hard for this person not to become the "go and fetch stuff" person of your bridal party. Which some people just are not super excited about. 

You get to choose your bridesmaids. Not your friends. Adding people to your bridal party increases your cost as well (Flowers, gifts etc) and that's something you need to think about. If they throw a fit, that's on them. They're behaving like brats. You can include them in maybe getting their nails done or hair done or a dress fitting or some other sort of shopping or creation of DIY stuff, if they offer to help. It's not cool for them to get mad at you. That's on them. 

It's tough, because hurting feelings is not fun. But they should understand that even though they're not standing with you, they're still important to you. 

Maggie0829

I really don't understand being devastated by not being a BM.  Do they realize how good they will have it by NOT being a BM?  They save money, don't have to buy a specific dress, have to plan parties with other girls that they may or may not know or may or may not get along with, and they don't have to get up at the butt crack of dawn to get ready with every one else.  They also get to enjoy cocktail hour instead of posing for pictures for an hour.  Just being a guest at a wedding is the best thing ever!

misshart00

Also, his sister could stand on his side.

AddieCake

Oh, FFS. Not everyone gets to be included in everything! Not everyone gets a sticker or a trophy or a spot on the team. Not everyone graduates top of the class. Not everyone gets the big corner office. Stop trying to accommodate everyone.

thespeshulestsnowflake

AddieCake said:

Oh, FFS. Not everyone gets to be included in everything! Not everyone gets a sticker or a trophy or a spot on the team. Not everyone graduates top of the class. Not everyone gets the big corner office. Stop trying to accommodate everyone.

No fair!!!! I wants a trophy!!

lilacck28

I'm sort of in a similar situation? My wedding will be around 100 people I think (inviting something like 115 as of now). My FI didn't even really want to have a wedding party at all, but I kind of talked him into it (particularly after my friends talked about wanting to be bridesmaids, and throwing me a bachelorette party) I would have been okay with him having no one on his side, while I had some people, but I think his brother probably would have been a little upset even if he is a super cool hipster. FI was fine with a small wedding party.

He's having his brother, my brother, his cousin. I'm having his sister, and two of my close college friends. I have two other very close college friends (from the same group) that I very much considered asking to be bridesmaids. They talked about wanting to be my bridesmaids too.

I'm not asking them because of budget, because I'm not inviting that many friends to begin with, and I felt weird having a larger bridal party when FI (and his mom) weren't interested in it to begin with.

 Also, I talk more often with and physically see the two I did ask much more. I still feel like those two friends ARE my very close friends, and I think they may be under the impression that there are no bridesmaids at all, since I did say for a while I wasn't sure we'd do a wedding party. So, I have some guilt. I don't know if I'm going to need to spell out for them that I AM having bridesmaids before the wedding. One bridesmaid thinks I need to, the other doesn't think I do. I don't want to have a "you're NOT a bridesmaid" conversation, because that's hurtful. I don't know how else to let them know that I am having bridesmaids though. I'm just leaving it alone for now. The wedding is in May.

But....ultimately I thought about my decision and  I did what I think was best for me. Plus, I already asked the other three and I am not going to B-list bridesmaid my friends. I think that would hurt them more, and it would be obvious since the other three have a matching dress.

 So yeah. Just go with the people you really want. Think about budget, and think about who your closest people are. Don't worry about hurting feelings. I think (I hope!) my two friends will get over not being bridesmaids, and if they don't... well that's a little silly.

nightcheese815

Yeah, adding 3-5 more bridesmaids sounds like a LOT. I was MOH in a wedding with 9 other bridesmaids, and it just increased the stress on coordinating for events like the bachelorette party and showers, as well as communicating about day-of logistics. Plus, some venues just won't have room for that many people to stand up at the front with you!

I wouldn't do honorary bridesmaids or attendants. But, if you really want to include them in something, you could have them do a reading or light a candle during the ceremony. Or, you could have them be ushers at the ceremony - it's the 21st century and I've seen girls be ushers before!

But, if you don't really want to include them in the ceremony and they are just guilting you into it, then don't sweat it.

charcoalandblush

Please don't make them "honorary bridesmaids" or "personal attendants" or whatever. Those are made up roles and will honestly possibly hurt their feelings more than not being asked at all.

levioosa

Only have the girls you are closest to be bridesmaids.  But if you have already asked, you cannot unask them.  Don't let them guilt you into it. 

FWIW, I love my best friend, and we are like sisters, but if she didn't ask me to be in her wedding, I wouldn't sweat it.  As it is she was freaking out about making me MOH because she knew it would cause problems with her sister (who would have been hurt not to have been made the MOH).  I told her we were all adults and people need to get over being hurt by things that are not meant to be hurtful.  I also told her it didn't matter if I was the MOH, a bridesmaid, or just a guest, all I cared about was celebrating the day with her. 

MandyMost

Stop thinking about what's traditional, and think about what you actually want. Like, why is HIS SISTER on YOUR SIDE? Are you close? Is she one of the most important people in YOUR life? Or is she there because she's important to him? If she's important to him, she should be on his side. 

Do you really need, or even want, a parade of girls in matching dresses? Standing there uncomfortable at the front of the ceremony? Or do you just want your nearest and dearest to support you during that time. We had only family walk down the aisle, and no one stand at the front. However, I had reserved seats for my 7 best friends (and their SO's) at the front, and the took pictures with me and got ready with me, and it was great to have their support. 

And if you do want all that, and you choose a smaller number, that's fine. But is there a reason why you have to exclude the other friends from stuff? Just because they're not bridesmaids doesn't mean they can't be invited to all pre-parties (like the bachelorette), and invited to the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner if you want, and to get ready with you that day. It's all totally up to you. 

slothiegal

AddieCake said:

Oh, FFS. Not everyone gets to be included in everything! Not everyone gets a sticker or a trophy or a spot on the team. Not everyone graduates top of the class. Not everyone gets the big corner office. Stop trying to accommodate everyone.

badbnagdway

It's kind of weird to me that these girls are pushing to be bridesmaids. I have heard of it, but I can't really understand it. Being a bridesmaid is not as fun as being a wedding guest. The only part I can see not wanting to miss out on is some day-of time with the bride. Like, when it comes to my best friends and sisters, I would just really like to hang out for 30 minutes with them before the ceremony and toast them and whatnot.

tammym1001

We had 35 guests at our wedding. I had 4 girls on my side and DH had 1 guy on his side. It was not weird and nobody noticed at all. I don't understand why you can't have the 8 girls you wanted and he can have 3. Also, if you already asked those 8 girls you can't tell them never mind because your FI decided he didn't want uneven sides. That's ridiculous.

You really should have people standing up with you that you want up there and not some arbitrary number trying to make sides even. I had 4 BM's even though I only had 35 guests because I couldn't imagine my wedding day without those 4 ladies standing up there with me. If that's not the case with your girls and you haven't asked them yet then feel free to cut down your BM list.

huskypuppy14

Does your 8 bridesmaids include these 3 other friends? 

If so @scribe95 why are those numbers wonky?

 We say all the time who cares about numbers, sides don't have to be even. 3 on one side and 8 on another isn't terrible. Now 3 on one side and 11 on the other seems a little over the top to me, but it's not my wedding party, so why should I care.

CMGragain

No one has the right to be your bridesmaid.  These ladies are being rude and pushy.  Demanding to be honored is so AW.

slothiegal

Am I the only one who, when I started thinking about my bridal party, knew EXACTLY who I wanted by my side? It wasn't based on family obligations or appeasing a group of friends; I IMMEDIATELY thought of those legit closest to me/who supported me through thick and thin.

huskypuppy14

slothiegal said:

Am I the only one who, when I started thinking about my bridal party, knew EXACTLY who I wanted by my side? It wasn't based on family obligations or appeasing a group of friends; I IMMEDIATELY thought of those legit closest to me/who supported me through thick and thin.

Nope.  I knew who my bridesmaids would be before I got  engaged. DH had a little more trouble, more because he felt obligated to include his brothers and his friends. 

lilacck28

I knew who mine would be right away.  The three I asked were the obvious. The only problem was I also imagined asking the two other friends, but logic (read, budget and space) told me not to ask them. I hope its not something that I come to regret, and I hope my friendships won't suffer. 

jacques27

Devastated?  Really?  I sure hope that's hyperbole because otherwise they are SOL if they ever lose their house in a tornado or have a family member die in a plane crash.  They'll have already used up the word devastated on not getting to play dress up for a friend's wedding and there really aren't that many other words worse than devastated to be able to use for truly horrible soul-crushing tragedies.  I hope Santa brings them a thesaurus next year.

If you want them in your wedding party, then have them.  It's not that hard.  You don't have to have even sides.  It's not school - there's not a bridesmaid:guest ratio like a teacher:student ratio in the classroom - it's not like you will have 8 bridesmaids and only 7 guests.  You also don't have to segregate people to one side or the other based on their genitalia.

If you don't want them, then that's also not that hard.  You just don't ask them.  This also means you don't give them consolation prizes.  I promise you they will get over it and live to tell the tale.  Being a bridesmaid is not how you define relationships.  You don't need to have people in your bridal party or give them made up roles to express how important your relationship with them is to you.  You spend time with them outside of your wedding, say nice things to them and tell them how much they mean to you, and do nice things for them.  If you're maintaining your relationships outside of your wedding planning, then there is no need for your friends to question if not being picked for a bridesmaid means they're not important to you.