Wedding Etiquette Forum

Can I put an age limit on invitations?

135

Re: Can I put an age limit on invitations?

  • nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    I would like to keep it at 18 and over, but would like to make sure that being that my kids and the flower girl will be the only ones under 18 and try not hurt anyones feelings.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    He'll be 8 at the time of the wedding. But apparently I'm the bitch because heaven forbid that I try to keep my day as stress free as possible. I'm not asking anyone with children to bring them. If they are adults then I will be asking them.

    My kids are the only ones that will be invited as they are part of the wedding party.

    I have cousins that their children will not be age 13 or older at the time and will be only addressing the invites to them and not their whole family.

    Why is it hard for those to understand that costs is a huge factor in who I am inviting and who I am not inviting.

    Trust that we all understand costs and budgets when it comes to weddings.  But that doesn't mean you get to use that as an excuse to be rude to your guests.

    I think at this point people are focusing more on that you are trying to be rude (whether it is true or not) to this sister on purpose instead of seeing that others on here have also made age limits (for whatever reason) when sending invites out to their guests.

    The question becomes, for me anyways, is inviting adult children and not their minor siblings still splitting up a family?

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would like to keep it at 18 and over, but would like to make sure that being that my kids and the flower girl will be the only ones under 18 and try not hurt anyones feelings.
    It is fine if your children are the only one's under 18 that are invited, since they are in the wedding party.

  • I would like to keep it at 18 and over, but would like to make sure that being that my kids and the flower girl will be the only ones under 18 and try not hurt anyones feelings.
    Then keep it 18 and over. People will get your kids being there since a) they are in the wedding party and b) they are the kids of the bride. You cannot please everyone.
  • I would like to keep it at 18 and over, but would like to make sure that being that my kids and the flower girl will be the only ones under 18 and try not hurt anyones feelings.
    We understand this. And already explained that it is fine if YOUR children are the only ones under 18, because they are your children, and because they are in your wedding party. 

    We have also established that your 13-and-over age limit is arbitrary and unnecessary. 

    And we have established that it is ok for you to not invite kids (besides yours) but it is not ok to split families.

     No one said you're being a bitch, and no one is being mean to you. Stop getting so upset. We're just trying to help you. This is kind of confusing and I think posters are just trying to sort the facts and figure out what the actual situation is, so stay calm.  

    It seems to me like you are putting an awfully huge amount of stress and effort into figuring out how to exclude just this ONE kid. Is it really worth it? 
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    ashley8918Jessie42613
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I really think that in the best interest of all involved, that the age limit be set at 18. It is PERFECTLY WITHIN ETIQUETTE to invite just your children to the wedding. Who is going to argue "Well, her kids are here!!" "She's the bride." I mean, honestly.

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    novella1186
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    He'll be 8 at the time of the wedding. But apparently I'm the bitch because heaven forbid that I try to keep my day as stress free as possible. I'm not asking anyone with children to bring them. If they are adults then I will be asking them.

    My kids are the only ones that will be invited as they are part of the wedding party.

    I have cousins that their children will not be age 13 or older at the time and will be only addressing the invites to them and not their whole family.

    Why is it hard for those to understand that costs is a huge factor in who I am inviting and who I am not inviting.

    Relax, OP you don't need to get defensive. There is no one on this board who didn't have cost as a factor when deciding who to invite so you are not in a unique situation. I think there is confusion because you referred to the sisters "other children" but didn't explain that they were adults. The over-13 rule seemed petty because it seemed like you only didn't want to invite this 8 year old child when all of his 13-18 siblings were invited.

    You are perfectly within your right to have an 18+ event minus the 3 wedding party children but the language used against this one 8 year old (that having him there will ruin your wedding, that without him your wedding will be stress free, etc) does make me wonder a little. 
  • I'm confused- I was under the impression that if someone is over the age of 18 they get their own invite. So if this sister has one kid under the age of 13 and the rest of her children are over the age of 18, it would NOT be splitting up the family because the 18+ year olds would be receiving their own invites separate from the rest of the family.

    If this is true, then OP, you're perfectly within etiquette to just invite the sister and her spouse, not extending an invite to the under 13 year old and still extending separate invites to the over 18 year olds.

    Phew, hope that made sense!

    There! Done! Let's just go with this and say everything is fine! lol (Not being sarcastic, this really does seem like a great solution) 
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    mikenbergerlovegood90
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    He'll be 8 at the time of the wedding. But apparently I'm the bitch because heaven forbid that I try to keep my day as stress free as possible. I'm not asking anyone with children to bring them. If they are adults then I will be asking them.

    My kids are the only ones that will be invited as they are part of the wedding party.

    I have cousins that their children will not be age 13 or older at the time and will be only addressing the invites to them and not their whole family.

    Why is it hard for those to understand that costs is a huge factor in who I am inviting and who I am not inviting.

    Relax, OP you don't need to get defensive. There is no one on this board who didn't have cost as a factor when deciding who to invite so you are not in a unique situation. I think there is confusion because you referred to the sisters "other children" but didn't explain that they were adults. The over-13 rule seemed petty because it seemed like you only didn't want to invite this 8 year old child when all of his 13-18 siblings were invited.

    You are perfectly within your right to have an 18+ event minus the 3 wedding party children but the language used against this one 8 year old (that having him there will ruin your wedding, that without him your wedding will be stress free, etc) does make me wonder a little. 
    But I was under the impression that this 8 year old only has siblings over 18? If this is the case, it's totally fine to invite his siblings without him because his siblings are adults getting their own invites.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • He'll be 8 at the time of the wedding. But apparently I'm the bitch because heaven forbid that I try to keep my day as stress free as possible. I'm not asking anyone with children to bring them. If they are adults then I will be asking them.

    My kids are the only ones that will be invited as they are part of the wedding party.

    I have cousins that their children will not be age 13 or older at the time and will be only addressing the invites to them and not their whole family.

    Why is it hard for those to understand that costs is a huge factor in who I am inviting and who I am not inviting.

    Trust that we all understand costs and budgets when it comes to weddings.  But that doesn't mean you get to use that as an excuse to be rude to your guests.

    I think at this point people are focusing more on that you are trying to be rude (whether it is true or not) to this sister on purpose instead of seeing that others on here have also made age limits (for whatever reason) when sending invites out to their guests.

    The question becomes, for me anyways, is inviting adult children and not their minor siblings still splitting up a family?
     
     
    Agreeing with Maggie here with the bolded.  It is very apparent you are in fact trying to be rude and in your words "A bitch" to this sister and this 1 PERSON!  One person!!  Everyone understands budgets and costs.  I had 3 people added on at the last minute for my wedding because a confrence was cancelled.  I was OVER $500.00 a PERSON!  But I refused to be rude. 
     
    OP you say your a people pleaser.  I doubt that becasue you a presenting as a person is TRYING to be rude.  To immediate FAMILY no less.  Very wrong. 
    thespeshulestsnowflake
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    He'll be 8 at the time of the wedding. But apparently I'm the bitch because heaven forbid that I try to keep my day as stress free as possible. I'm not asking anyone with children to bring them. If they are adults then I will be asking them.

    My kids are the only ones that will be invited as they are part of the wedding party.

    I have cousins that their children will not be age 13 or older at the time and will be only addressing the invites to them and not their whole family.

    Why is it hard for those to understand that costs is a huge factor in who I am inviting and who I am not inviting.

    Relax, OP you don't need to get defensive. There is no one on this board who didn't have cost as a factor when deciding who to invite so you are not in a unique situation. I think there is confusion because you referred to the sisters "other children" but didn't explain that they were adults. The over-13 rule seemed petty because it seemed like you only didn't want to invite this 8 year old child when all of his 13-18 siblings were invited.

    You are perfectly within your right to have an 18+ event minus the 3 wedding party children but the language used against this one 8 year old (that having him there will ruin your wedding, that without him your wedding will be stress free, etc) does make me wonder a little. 
    But I was under the impression that this 8 year old only has siblings over 18? If this is the case, it's totally fine to invite his siblings without him because his siblings are adults getting their own invites.
    Yes, that was what I was saying. Before OP clarified that the 8 year old's siblings are all over 18, the aged 13 rule seemed arbitrary and petty, as the original posts implied the 8 year old had 13-18 siblings who were were invited. Therefore only singling out the 8 year old with his under-18 siblings.  However, this is not the case, as the siblings are all 18+
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    He'll be 8 at the time of the wedding. But apparently I'm the bitch because heaven forbid that I try to keep my day as stress free as possible. I'm not asking anyone with children to bring them. If they are adults then I will be asking them.

    My kids are the only ones that will be invited as they are part of the wedding party.

    I have cousins that their children will not be age 13 or older at the time and will be only addressing the invites to them and not their whole family.

    Why is it hard for those to understand that costs is a huge factor in who I am inviting and who I am not inviting.

    Relax, OP you don't need to get defensive. There is no one on this board who didn't have cost as a factor when deciding who to invite so you are not in a unique situation. I think there is confusion because you referred to the sisters "other children" but didn't explain that they were adults. The over-13 rule seemed petty because it seemed like you only didn't want to invite this 8 year old child when all of his 13-18 siblings were invited.

    You are perfectly within your right to have an 18+ event minus the 3 wedding party children but the language used against this one 8 year old (that having him there will ruin your wedding, that without him your wedding will be stress free, etc) does make me wonder a little. 
    But I was under the impression that this 8 year old only has siblings over 18? If this is the case, it's totally fine to invite his siblings without him because his siblings are adults getting their own invites.
    Yes, that was what I was saying. Before OP clarified that the 8 year old's siblings are all over 18, the aged 13 rule seemed arbitrary and petty, as the original posts implied the 8 year old had 13-18 siblings who were were invited. Therefore only singling out the 8 year old with his under-18 siblings.  However, this is not the case, as the siblings are all 18+
    Ohh got it, my bad!

    Formerly martha1818

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    LondonLisa
  • nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its

    I thought I had to keep at 13 and older because my children will be that age at the time of the wedding.

    There are those that have been very helpful is getting this understood, but there have been those that have not been so helpful, rude to say the least.

    I wasn't trying to just exclude her kids, but all those that are not in the bridal party.

  • I thought I had to keep at 13 and older because my children will be that age at the time of the wedding.

    There are those that have been very helpful is getting this understood, but there have been those that have not been so helpful, rude to say the least.

    I wasn't trying to just exclude her kids, but all those that are not in the bridal party.

    So there is no one on your list (other than your kids) from ages 13-18?
  • nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    Yes they are all adults over the age of 18, no kids.
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    I thought I had to keep at 13 and older because my children will be that age at the time of the wedding.

    There are those that have been very helpful is getting this understood, but there have been those that have not been so helpful, rude to say the least.

    I wasn't trying to just exclude her kids, but all those that are not in the bridal party.

    I think it's totally fine to exclude all kids except your own kids and bridal party kids. That seems like a perfectly reasonable cutoff. Just address the invites to who is invited and you're good!

    Formerly martha1818

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    ashley8918
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Are you paying for my wedding? I'm not splitting her family up, the rest of her children are above the age of 13 and get their own invite. I'm asking not only his family but my family not to bring anyone under the age of 13. Really it doesn't matter whose paying, really do you have millions set aside for your wedding? Do you have an unlimited amount of funds to pay for everything?
    Um, if you are inviting the siblings of the 13 year old but not the 13 year old, then by definition you are splitting up the family.

    And it really makes no damn sense.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    ashley8918
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2015

    He'll be 8 at the time of the wedding. But apparently I'm the bitch because heaven forbid that I try to keep my day as stress free as possible. I'm not asking anyone with children to bring them. If they are adults then I will be asking them.

    My kids are the only ones that will be invited as they are part of the wedding party.

    I have cousins that their children will not be age 13 or older at the time and will be only addressing the invites to them and not their whole family.

    Why is it hard for those to understand that costs is a huge factor in who I am inviting and who I am not inviting.

    I don't see how having an 8 year old attend a wedding is going to be stressful, especially when your own children who are in the wedding don't even fit your criteria of 13 and up only.

    Honestly, I think you are creating stress for yourself.  Drop the stupid and arbitrary age limit nonsense.  Invite this woman and her entire family- which means her adult kids and her 8 year old.  Or just invite this woman and none of her kids.

    It doesn't matter that according to etiquette the adult kids are adults and get their own invitations- by not inviting their younger sibling you will be splitting up the family and it may be perceived by others to be rude.  If you are trying to avoid added drama and stress, this isn't the way to go, IMO, especially if your relationship with your FI's sister is already strained.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    ashley8918
  • nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    My two will be 13 and 15 at the time of the wedding and are in the bridal party, my daughter will be my maiden of honor, and my son will be walking me down the aisle with my father. I'm not being petty. I'm only addressing the invites to the Mr. and Mrs. No kids aside from those in the bridal
  • I have to side with @lovegood90 here. I think when we say "split up the families" we often mean "split up the household." IE: parents and kids living under the same roof. It is etiquette approved to 1) only invite those who are over the age of 18 2) only invite parents and not their kids 3) send adults living on their own their own invite

    If the parent has, let's say, 4 kids and 3 of them are 18 and living on their own they have their own household. The 8 year old living at home is living in the household of the parent. So we're dealing with 4 separate households who will all be extended their own invitations. By only inviting the parents and not the 8 year old living at home, I don't think any etiquette is being breached even if the other, older siblings are invited because while the family is technically being split up, the household is not.

     

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    short+sassy
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    redoryx said:

    I have to side with @lovegood90 here. I think when we say "split up the families" we often mean "split up the household." IE: parents and kids living under the same roof. It is etiquette approved to 1) only invite those who are over the age of 18 2) only invite parents and not their kids 3) send adults living on their own their own invite

    If the parent has, let's say, 4 kids and 3 of them are 18 and living on their own they have their own household. The 8 year old living at home is living in the household of the parent. So we're dealing with 4 separate households who will all be extended their own invitations. By only inviting the parents and not the 8 year old living at home, I don't think any etiquette is being breached even if the other, older siblings are invited because while the family is technically being split up, the household is not.

     

    Exactly! I would also argue that even if the 18+ yr olds WERE under the same roof as the parents + 8 year old, they would need their own invites anyway because they are adults. And it would still be fine to exclude the 8 year old because it's perfectly within etiquette to have adult-only events.

    However if the other children were, say, 16 and they were invited and not the 8 year old, that wouldn't be okay.

    Formerly martha1818

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    redoryx
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    But if I say over 18 doesn't that then exclude my two children?
    You don't say "only 18 and up" on the invitation. You invite who you want to invite by name as long as you include significant others and don't split up minor (under 18) siblings.

     If someone has a 19 year old adult daughter and a 7 year old daughter, it's perfectly acceptable to invite just the adult daughter. It's not ok to invite a 13 year old and not her 10 year old sister.

    No one should have a problem with the bride's children being invited, when no other children are. If they do, that's their problem. 

    Children are invited just like any other guest. I invited cousins of my husband and I that were under 18, and a groomsman's sons were invited as well. No other children were invited. It would have been rude of us to invite the groomsman's 15 year old son and not his 3 year old son though. See the difference?
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    Ok so I address the invites to Mr. and Mrs. and then only option for 2 seats at the reception. And if she tries to add a 3rd, how do you politely explain that is not allowed, or at that point would I need to get her sister or mom involved? And I say not my fiancé again because of the stress that he doesn't needed added to his recovery.

    Ok this is seriously confusing.  Why would the sister add a 3rd person if all her children are over 18?  Who would she add? 

    Let me tell you. My Aunt Rose, mother's sister, was a trouble maker, added her children, their spouses and grandchildren to her RSVP. Mom and Dad were paying for the wedding and refused to stand up to her. Just as I expected, Aunt Rose and her family didn't show up for the wedding. She was just getting back at Mom for not including her grandchildren.

     @nhultberg461 - you're smart to head off trouble by putting the 'two seat have been reserved for you' on the RSVP. Don't be afraid to call FSIL if she adds extras to her RSVP.

    Also, thank you for realizing that you weren't being attacked.

                       
  • My work brain is on at the moment - so please bear with me. This is a little off topic.

    I don't know where you live, but I have a friend in the States who's dad had some of the same things you described had happened to your Fiance. (So sorry to hear that, by the way.)  The Power of Attorney was invoked. Once her Dad got a bit better, they had to go to court to confirm he was competent enough to sign his own papers again.   This may be something you want to look into. 
  • nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its

    We actually went an redid the power of attorney's so that it was more specific with what he wanted. And had it notarized and witnessed by two additional people.

    We live in Henderson (Las Vegas), NV.

    The adult children are above the age of 18, but the child that is still at home is under that age, and again I'm asking that only the children that are part of the wedding party to be included, as I don't want kids at a late reception.

  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    If adult children (?) are independent adults, then I don't see it as a splitting up a family if their much younger sibling is not invited, any more than it's splitting up a family to only invite the adult parents. 

    (Why is such a simple thread so incredibly tense and stressed? Holy over reactions, Batman. I wanted a Valium by page 2. )

    I get that technically, according to etiquette this is correct.

    But when you have a family of 6, let's say for the sake of argument- 2 parents, 3 children 18+, and a child under 18- and you invite 5 out of a total of 6 people in that family. . . well that is splitting the family up.  That's exactly how it's going to be perceived, doesn't matter what the etiquette technicalities are. 

    And it seems arbitrary and dumb to exclude a single person out of 6 people solely because of a. . . well arbitrary age cut off.  Isn't this one of the reasons why many people here suggest inviting in circles, rather than using arbitrary cut offs?

    OP can invite whomever she wants, but this seems silly to me and like she's just adding extra stress onto herself.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    antibride2013ashley8918
  • nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its

    I'm choosing not to invite any children aside from my own. I got ideas of how to handle the situation and will go forward with that.

    If the invitee is above the age of 18 then they get their own invite as they do not reside at the same address, so in my mind it's not splitting the family up. If they lived at the same address I could see how one would say that. But they have different addresses.

  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    I'm choosing not to invite any children aside from my own. I got ideas of how to handle the situation and will go forward with that.

    If the invitee is above the age of 18 then they get their own invite as they do not reside at the same address, so in my mind it's not splitting the family up. If they lived at the same address I could see how one would say that. But they have different addresses.

    I would agree with this.

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