Can I put an age limit on invitations?

PrettyGirlLost

nhultberg461 said:

I'm choosing not to invite any children aside from my own. I got ideas of how to handle the situation and will go forward with that.

If the invitee is above the age of 18 then they get their own invite as they do not reside at the same address, so in my mind it's not splitting the family up. If they lived at the same address I could see how one would say that. But they have different addresses.

And yet every.single.member of this family will be at this wedding. . . except the 8 year old who will be sitting at home alone.

I don't understand how anyone can view that as not splitting a family up.

I don't care what the OP does.  I get that this rationale is A-OK as far as etiquette is concerned.  But you can't tell me this is not splitting up a family.  Well you can say it till you are blue in the face, but I don't buy it.

crackktheskyy

nhultberg461 said:

I'm choosing not to invite any children aside from my own. I got ideas of how to handle the situation and will go forward with that.

If the invitee is above the age of 18 then they get their own invite as they do not reside at the same address, so in my mind it's not splitting the family up. If they lived at the same address I could see how one would say that. But they have different addresses.

I have a question. Is your FSIL's 8 year old child the only niece/nephew under the age of 18? You said your FSIL's other children are all over the age of 18. Do you or your FI have brothers or sisters who also have children under the age of 18? 

I ask because if this child is literally the ONLY child of a brother or a sister who is under 18, I could see why so many feelings are hurt over this exclusion. Essentially, at every family get together, all of the cousins except for one would be able to talk about how much they enjoyed the wedding. One child would be explicitly singled out.

I get that by the dictates of the 18 and older rule that you aren't splitting up a family, but excluding one niece or nephew and inviting all of the rest of your nieces/nephews would be awfully hurtful, I think.

I do not think the exclusion of one child is a hill to die on. I really don't. If this child is the only niece or nephew that isn't invited, I would extend the olive branch.

My FI and I also had to make some tough guest list decisions due to space. One of these decisions is 18+ (though, obviously not indicated on the invitation or anywhere else.) He has a huge family and around 35 cousins. Of those 35 cousins, 4 are under the age of 18. We decided to invite those 4 because it would be terrible if 31 cousins were able to attend but we restricted 4 from coming. It would be weird to invite an 18 year old in high school but not her 16 year old sister, you know?

If inviting your FSIL's youngest child means keeping all of the cousins together, I would do it.

nhultberg461

Actually I really don't think their entire family will be there as they would have to pay for a hotel room, since they are out of town guests. Again I'm choosing not to invite children period aside from mine.

I don't really care if you agree or not.

nhultberg461

Again if you read through the 4 pages, I state I'm also asking my own cousins not to bring their children. I do not want children there aside from my own.

crackktheskyy

nhultberg461 said:

Again if you read through the 4 pages, I state I'm also asking my own cousins not to bring their children. I do not want children there aside from my own.

I did read through the 4 pages. I understand that you are asking your own cousins not to bring their children. We limited our guest list to first cousins, as well! I totally get you there and I think that's a perfectly acceptable line to draw.

I'm asking specifically about brothers and sisters. Are all of the children of your and your FI's siblings invited with the exception of this one?

nhultberg461

My three brothers don't have any kids, and my step sisters kids are all not included either.

mikenberger

nhultberg461 said:

Actually I really don't think their entire family will be there as they would have to pay for a hotel room, since they are out of town guests. Again I'm choosing not to invite children period aside from mine.

I don't really care if you agree or not.

Man, you've got a lot of misplaced anger if that's how you thank people that HAVE TRIED TO HELP YOU. I never once got rude or snippy with you. 

Enjoy your fantastic kid free wedding that you're paying for. I wash my hands of this.

thespeshulestsnowflake

Something I don't believe that has been asked yet, but what is you FI's opinion in all this?

nhultberg461

mikenberger said:

nhultberg461 said:

Actually I really don't think their entire family will be there as they would have to pay for a hotel room, since they are out of town guests. Again I'm choosing not to invite children period aside from mine.

I don't really care if you agree or not.

Man, you've got a lot of misplaced anger if that's how you thank people that HAVE TRIED TO HELP YOU. I never once got rude or snippy with you. 

Enjoy your fantastic kid free wedding that you're paying for. I wash my hands of this.

I've greatly appreciate the help that has been given, but I'm getting annoyed that I keep having to explain.

I'm going to keep with the Mr. and Mrs. and then on the RSVP state the 2 seats are reserved.

daria24

PrettyGirlLost said:

nhultberg461 said:

I'm choosing not to invite any children aside from my own. I got ideas of how to handle the situation and will go forward with that.

If the invitee is above the age of 18 then they get their own invite as they do not reside at the same address, so in my mind it's not splitting the family up. If they lived at the same address I could see how one would say that. But they have different addresses.

And yet every.single.member of this family will be at this wedding. . . except the 8 year old who will be sitting at home alone.

I don't understand how anyone can view that as not splitting a family up.

I don't care what the OP does.  I get that this rationale is A-OK as far as etiquette is concerned.  But you can't tell me this is not splitting up a family.  Well you can say it till you are blue in the face, but I don't buy it.

It's not that I don't think it's "splitting up a family," it's more that I view this as an adult-only event (except OPs children, which is understandable). And an 8 year old doesn't get to go to an adult-only event, even if his 19, 22, and 23 year old siblings get to go. 

I know people grow up in different circles. In my circle, there were a LOT of events that were adults-only. As a kid, I just accepted that there were certain parties and weddings I didn't get to go to because I was under 18. But I know other people did not grow up with adult-only weddings and therefore they seem rude and exclusionary. 

photokitty

PrettyGirlLost said:

nhultberg461 said:

I'm choosing not to invite any children aside from my own. I got ideas of how to handle the situation and will go forward with that.

If the invitee is above the age of 18 then they get their own invite as they do not reside at the same address, so in my mind it's not splitting the family up. If they lived at the same address I could see how one would say that. But they have different addresses.

And yet every.single.member of this family will be at this wedding. . . except the 8 year old who will be sitting at home alone.

I don't understand how anyone can view that as not splitting a family up.

I don't care what the OP does.  I get that this rationale is A-OK as far as etiquette is concerned.  But you can't tell me this is not splitting up a family.  Well you can say it till you are blue in the face, but I don't buy it.

The only rational explanation I can give is that once you are 18 you start your own family unit. You are not part of your parent's family any more bc you are an adult. It is not more splitting up a family than inviting your grandparents on one invite, your aunt and her SO on another, but do not invite your uncle. It is splitting up a family, but you would agree this is an ok split yes? So that's how inviting siblings over 18 is ok even if you don't invite the 8 year old

PrettyGirlLost

OK, those explanations do make sense.  But I think inviting in circles makes a bit more sense than age cut offs.

huskypuppy14

PrettyGirlLost said:

nhultberg461 said:

I'm choosing not to invite any children aside from my own. I got ideas of how to handle the situation and will go forward with that.

If the invitee is above the age of 18 then they get their own invite as they do not reside at the same address, so in my mind it's not splitting the family up. If they lived at the same address I could see how one would say that. But they have different addresses.

And yet every.single.member of this family will be at this wedding. . . except the 8 year old who will be sitting at home alone.

I don't understand how anyone can view that as not splitting a family up.

I don't care what the OP does.  I get that this rationale is A-OK as far as etiquette is concerned.  But you can't tell me this is not splitting up a family.  Well you can say it till you are blue in the face, but I don't buy it.

In your hypothetical situation, I agree with you. Especially because it's excluding an innocent 8 year old. (Though I doubt they will be sitting home alone, he/she will probably have a babysitter :-P 

Anyway, think of this hypothetical situation: I am friends with @Novella and her parents, but I can't stand her awful sister. I have no inclination of inviting her sister, but that doesn't stop me from inviting Novella and her parents. They are all adults, so just because they are all related doesn't mean I have to invite them all.

nhultberg461

It's not just the one 8 year old I'm excluding, it's also any kids, and I was trying to do it in a way that did not exclude my own two who will be 13 and over at the time of the wedding.

I guess maybe I shouldn't have just made it about her and her son. And asked in general how to address the invites so that only the adults would be invited.

Again I'm trying to limit the drama, as we have had enough this year already. And I did not include my own family members to avoid the drama too.

I was generally asking how do I go about excluding those of a certain age without ticking off family members, but as I can see it cannot be avoided as you generally are going to hurt someone else's feelings regardless of what you really want to do.

teddygirl9

Wow I'm not sure why pps were so confused in this haha. What should have been a 1 pager has quadrupled!

 

@nhultberg461 I think you've been given good advice, and know what you are doing now. Congrats on your upcoming wedding

Viczaesar

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

Something I don't believe that has been asked yet, but what is you FI's opinion in all this?

This.  Does your FI also want to exclude his nephew?

Teddy917

Inviting over 18s and not their 8 year old sibling is fine. The rule is to not split up a social unit. When the children are 8 and 13, for example, they are a social unit with their parents. However the 18+ are social units with their SOs, not with their parents anymore, so it's perfectly fine as long as you invite the 18+ SOs.

wrigleyville

Teddy917 said:

Inviting over 18s and not their 8 year old sibling is fine. The rule is to not split up a social unit. When the children are 8 and 13, for example, they are a social unit with their parents. However the 18+ are social units with their SOs, not with their parents anymore, so it's perfectly fine as long as you invite the 18+ SOs.

No, they aren't. You can invite adults and not their children. They are not a social unit. Some people may think that way, but it's not true in this case. The parents are the social unit. Children do not have to go everywhere with their parents. If the parents refuse to go anywhere without their kids, then they can decline the wedding invitation.

nhultberg461

Again it's not just one child I'm excluding it's all aside from my two which are in the bridal party. I'm keeping him stress free while he is still recovering.

flantastic

nhultberg461 said:

Again it's not just one child I'm excluding it's all aside from my two which are in the bridal party. I'm keeping him stress free while he is still recovering.

Stress-free is one thing, but it's not that hard to ask - "Hey, would it be important to you to have Robby there?" You don't have to continue by saying "Your sister is bitching about it, and someone needs to talk to her, please shut her down ASAP." The first question should not cause stress. I really doubt that he would like to find out once he's recovered that the 8-year-old was excluded when he wanted him there and he was never asked.

nhultberg461

Actually with the brain disorder that he has right now, asking him what we all consider a simple question is not that easy. He hasn't been able to fully explain to his one sister that he is unhappy with her reaction, and how she has treated me. As he is going through his recovery that time and place with eventually happen.

But again as I have stated numerous times now, it's not about excluding one child, it's about excluding all children expect my two which again are part of the wedding party.

I feel like a broken record.

flantastic

nhultberg461 said:

Actually with the brain disorder that he has right now, asking him what we all consider a simple question is not that easy. He hasn't been able to fully explain to his one sister that he is unhappy with her reaction, and how she has treated me. As he is going through his recovery that time and place with eventually happen.

But again as I have stated numerous times now, it's not about excluding one child, it's about excluding all children expect my two which again are part of the wedding party.

I feel like a broken record.

Yes, because you're not taking in the clarifying information.

There's this idea called inviting in "circles." Meaning that you can decide that no coworkers' children, friends' children, or cousins' children will be invited, but closer circles like your children and your nieces and nephews are invited. Right now, the difference between what you're doing and these "circles" is one child. That's why people are talking about trying to exclude one kid - it's really not that hard just to invite all the nieces and nephews. The circle is then complete and none of them feel left out. No one is asking you to open your wedding to all the children under 13. Circles mean that you don't have to set an age limit, which often just seems arbitrary to guests.

Circles are generally understood by the guests. A cousin should not see your nephew there and wonder why her kid wasn't invited - her kid isn't as close of family. Now, if the cousin saw that other cousins' kids were there, she might wonder and be offended.

nhultberg461

I really don't see how I do not want kids at my ceremony and reception is becoming this much of a debate. I might just have to have my kids at the ceremony then have them go to a friends house after to make sure that no kids are at the reception period.

 

I'm tired of this debate, and again I have already excluded my own personal family from the days events as well.

You can all start going through this debate, but I've made up my mind.

flantastic

nhultberg461 said:

I really don't see how I do not want kids at my ceremony and reception is becoming this much of a debate. I might just have to have my kids at the ceremony then have them go to a friends house after to make sure that no kids are at the reception period.

I'm tired of this debate, and again I have already excluded my own personal family from the days events as well.

You can all start going through this debate, but I've made up my mind.

PEOPLE WILL NOT BE OFFENDED TO SEE CHILDREN AT THE RECEPTION IF IT IS CLOSE FAMILY. This is not about their age, it's about their relationship to the couple.

This statement tells me that you really don't want to have to invite this 8-year-old and you have some vision in your head of a child-free wedding and some worst-case scenario in your head where a child destroys everything. So much so that you are willing to exclude your own children.

PrettyGirlLost

nhultberg461 said:

I really don't see how I do not want kids at my ceremony and reception is becoming this much of a debate. I might just have to have my kids at the ceremony then have them go to a friends house after to make sure that no kids are at the reception period.

 

I'm tired of this debate, and again I have already excluded my own personal family from the days events as well.

You can all start going through this debate, but I've made up my mind.

This is a discussion forum- we are going to discuss things.

It's one thing that there is an etiquette rule somewhere.  It's quite another when you apply that rule to a real life situation involving complex interpersonal relationships, family dynamics, and emotions.  And that's what we are discussing.

I'm not sure why you are taking the discussion so personally when you have already made your decision, it was given a pass as far as etiquette goes, and a few have us have stated we don't really care what you do. . . but we further wanted to discuss the scenario because we had questions or comments of our own regarding the "rules."

You don't need to exclude your own kids from your reception.  If you want them to attend, they should!  Yes, their presence might piss your FSIL off, but so what?  You are not going to please everyone.

nhultberg461

Yes I have a very tainted relationship with my FSIL and I have tried to make amends with her on my side, but she has yet to try to make amends with me. Keep in mind that she doesn't know me, I realize that I'm not going to be able to please everyone, and will hurt people's feelings.

When my step sister got married, my brother and I were not invited to the reception because it was adult only. My mom did not take offense that her kids were not invited, it was addressed that way on the invites.

I see the emotional part of it, but wouldn't I also see some feedback with the fact that I'm also not including some of my own family in this day as well.

I guess I feel like everyone is focused on this one child, when in my mind it's not just this one child, but I see how everyone is seeing that as my original statement only laid claim to trying to leave at this one child, but in the overall issue, it was to leave out small children. And how the proper way was to do it, with making sure that the parents see the invite is just for them and not the entire family.

I think growing up I remember seeing invites would be addresses to Mr. and Mrs. plus family or something along those lines. But I don't really remember all that well.

My first marriage I went through this issue too, but not dealing with a FSIL, but my mom's family and how they treat my dad, that was one of the main issues that caused us to elope. But I've looked at the family and decided that if they can't respect my dad and not cause an issue on my wedding day, then I'm not inviting them. And that's I think where maybe I need to place my focus, is making sure that I keep the "drama" away from this day.

flantastic

nhultberg461 said:

Yes I have a very tainted relationship with my FSIL and I have tried to make amends with her on my side, but she has yet to try to make amends with me. Keep in mind that she doesn't know me, I realize that I'm not going to be able to please everyone, and will hurt people's feelings.

When my step sister got married, my brother and I were not invited to the reception because it was adult only. My mom did not take offense that her kids were not invited, it was addressed that way on the invites.

I see the emotional part of it, but wouldn't I also see some feedback with the fact that I'm also not including some of my own family in this day as well.

I guess I feel like everyone is focused on this one child, when in my mind it's not just this one child, but I see how everyone is seeing that as my original statement only laid claim to trying to leave at this one child, but in the overall issue, it was to leave out small children. And how the proper way was to do it, with making sure that the parents see the invite is just for them and not the entire family.

I think growing up I remember seeing invites would be addresses to Mr. and Mrs. plus family or something along those lines. But I don't really remember all that well.

My first marriage I went through this issue too, but not dealing with a FSIL, but my mom's family and how they treat my dad, that was one of the main issues that caused us to elope. But I've looked at the family and decided that if they can't respect my dad and not cause an issue on my wedding day, then I'm not inviting them. And that's I think where maybe I need to place my focus, is making sure that I keep the "drama" away from this day.

This is not the 8-year-old's fault, and it's still immature to try to stick it to your FSIL by not inviting him. If you really feel that way, wait until your FI is in better health and then discuss with him about not inviting his sister or anyone else who you feel does not respect you.

nhultberg461

I'm not blaming the 8 year old at all in this whole thing, he's an innocent party to all of this, as is my two cousins whose children are younger as well, or any invitee that has children that are young.

I keep hoping that she and I will make amends, but I do also realize that families don't always see eye to eye on a lot of things.

I also see that possibly my older brother, who is my biological brother, might now show up because he and our mom and step dad don't get along.

There are others that are on the list that I'm on the fence about as well. 

I realize that this is a discussion board and that in this case what I have brought up is essentially a touching topic and that maybe some of way that I have handled my answers have been very defensive, but given everything I wanted to make sure the correct polite way to handle this subject.

Things might also change depending on when FI will be going back to work. We may have to move everything up to this June if he isn't able to go back by then, then everything will happen fast and I might not be able to consider everyone's feelings at the time. But we won't know if that is the case until maybe March or early part of April.

flantastic

Well, I hope his recovery goes speedily, and that the rest of the wedding planning isn't made unnecessarily stressful for either of you.

ohannabelle

flantastic said:

Well, I hope his recovery goes speedily, and that the rest of the wedding planning isn't made unnecessarily stressful for either of you.

I weirdly suspect that it may be much more stressful than necessary.