Open bar etiquette - shots?

charcoalandblush

We haven't met with our caterer yet to decide whether we're including liquor in our bar or not, but the wedding I went to last weekend got me thinking. It was a full open bar, and people were ripping shots like crazy at the end of the night. Not saying I don't want my guests to drink and have a good time - I totally do. But shots seem like (a) a huge waste of money, and (b) like they would end VERY poorly. But it's something I could see our friends doing (especially, ahem, a particular subset of DF's friends).

If we have a full open bar, would it be improper to tell our bartenders not to serve shots? (Slash would that even be possible? I'm assuming it would...) Does this run afoul of the "not flashing something to your guests that they can't have" principle?

syoun1nj

If it's a full open bar, it's not a waste of money as usually you pay per head.

That said, we had a full open bar, but the venue's policy was no shots. So shots weren't served. It's not improper to request no shots - would only be having something your guests can't if you then start doing shots and say they cannot.

But - they couldn't stop anyone from ordering a whiskey on the rocks - so there is that.

Try not to worry about it. Adults that want to get drunk will find a way if you have shots or not! And have cab numbers on hand if you wont have transportation provided.

Maggie0829

Well some venues don't allow shots to be served.  I know mine didn't.  But, then again, a friend of ours slapped down a $50 and the bartender started making shots and just served them in mix drink glasses.  So check with your venue and their policy on this.  I am sure you can ask them not to serve shots, but in the end I think you need to just not worry about.  Bartenders are trained to not over serve and will cut people off if they start to get too rowdy.

As for the huge waste of money, if you are paying per person then it won't matter what they order because you are still spending $X per person if they drink wine, beer, shots or soda.

lyndausvi

We had shots at our wedding, but many venues have a no shot policy.  

As far as being a waste of money if it's per head it doesn't cost you more.  If it's consumption then yes it can be a budget breaker.

kat1114

Our bartending company had a "no shot" policy. I've been to another wedding where shots weren't allowed, but like PPs mentioned, you were still allowed to order a liquor on the rocks.

charcoalandblush

Ours isn't per person, it's per drink. I'm assuming shots would cost the same as a mixed drink, so I'm more thinking of people slamming 2 or 3 shots in 10 mins (like I saw at this wedding) where it would be a lot harder (but not impossible, I suppose) to chug 3 mixed drinks in that time frame.

charcoalandblush

Also, thanks to everyone - I'll definitely check with the venue! Best case scenario, they also have a no-shots policy and it isn't even an issue.

lyndausvi

charcoalandblush said:

Ours isn't per person, it's per drink. I'm assuming shots would cost the same as a mixed drink, so I'm more thinking of people slamming 2 or 3 shots in 10 mins (like I saw at this wedding) where it would be a lot harder (but not impossible, I suppose) to chug 3 mixed drinks in that time frame.

in that case I would ask for a no shot policy.   Sure a few will ask for ones on the rocks, but it will be way less than if they could have a true shot.

novella1186

Even if your venue does not have their own no-shot policy, you can tell the bartenders not to pour shots. Or ask them not to stock shot glasses. Whatever. That's what our bar service does; they have it written into their contract that upon the bride or groom's request, they will refuse to serve shots. So you have a few options. 

I get what you mean. Generally I say your guests are adults, so it's up to them to control themselves. But FMIL has advised me to go with the no shots thing because apparently FBIL (who is in his 40s) was standing at the bar at FSILs wedding doing tons of shots, and was also grabbing other guests drinks and chugging them. Then went home, took a bottle of whiskey outside, and fell asleep in the yard lol. Whatever. 

charcoalandblush

novella1186 said:

Even if your venue does not have their own no-shot policy, you can tell the bartenders not to pour shots. Or ask them not to stock shot glasses. Whatever. That's what our bar service does; they have it written into their contract that upon the bride or groom's request, they will refuse to serve shots. So you have a few options. 

I get what you mean. Generally I say your guests are adults, so it's up to them to control themselves. But FMIL has advised me to go with the no shots thing because apparently FBIL (who is in his 40s) was standing at the bar at FSILs wedding doing tons of shots, and was also grabbing other guests drinks and chugging them. Then went home, took a bottle of whiskey outside, and fell asleep in the yard lol. Whatever. 

Exactly. On the one hand, I get that adults should be able to behave themselves at social events. But on the other hand, our venue requires us to pay a cop to be on duty for a reason. Even adults do stupid shit sometimes. And sometimes that time is at your wedding. Lol. So I guess I'm thinking there's no harm in trying to minimize the risk. Anyway, thanks for the input everyone! This is definitely something I'll be talking to my venue and bartenders about.

amelisha

Normally I'm way on the "let your guests make their own decisions" train, but I think shots are the exception to that and you are fully within boundaries to ask for a no-shots policy if your venue doesn't have one. Shots are for drunk people in nightclubs, not for dinner and dancing in a ballroom IMO, and their sole purpose is get people intoxicated, so if that's not the atmosphere you're going for, it doesn't seem unreasonable at all to me to limit them.

Yeah, people who are going to get drunk are going to get drunk regardless, but shots are such an expedited way to that outcome, you know?

I've bartended weddings (including at a very upscale venue) and all but one of them had a no-shots policy. The one that didn't was outdoors on private property and everyone who got messy had a tent on site (very casual, obviously.)

xx802xx

No shot policy with my venue as well. I'm not disappointed that there is a no shot policy for my guests (helps prevent people from getting too intoxicated), but it's made my family have to arrange a "shot" time at the hotel after because it's tradition in my family that we take a tequila shot together during family celebrations....we're not alcoholics, it's just a celebratory tradition.

charcoalandblush

amelisha said:

Normally I'm way on the "let your guests make their own decisions" train, but I think shots are the exception to that and you are fully within boundaries to ask for a no-shots policy if your venue doesn't have one. Shots are for drunk people in nightclubs, not for dinner and dancing in a ballroom IMO, and their sole purpose is get people intoxicated, so if that's not the atmosphere you're going for, it doesn't seem unreasonable at all to me to limit them.

Yeah, people who are going to get drunk are going to get drunk regardless, but shots are such an expedited way to that outcome, you know?

I've bartended weddings (including at a very upscale venue) and all but one of them had a no-shots policy. The one that didn't was outdoors on private property and everyone who got messy had a tent on site (very casual, obviously.)

That's exactly my thinking. Thanks!

thisismynickname2

Did anyone see that episode of Four Weddings where one wedding had shots, and another had a huge sign that said "no shots" and the shot-happy brides got grumpy about it?  Can't please everyone! 

Anywho.

I can only think of one wedding where I did shots, and I was a bridesmaid and we all had a crazy fun time. Aside from that, I think a lot of people realize, despite what Four Crazy Brides think, that weddings and shots aren't likely to be synonymous. 

mrscaty

Our venue had a no shot policy, which was fine with me since I didn't want them served anyway (we were paying per drink). However, the bartender did make kamikazes for H and I on the rocks (I wasn't even aware it was a shot, I'd always had it as a drink). 

slothiegal

syoun1nj said:

If it's a full open bar, it's not a waste of money as usually you pay per head.

That said, we had a full open bar, but the venue's policy was no shots. So shots weren't served. It's not improper to request no shots - would only be having something your guests can't if you then start doing shots and say they cannot.

But - they couldn't stop anyone from ordering a whiskey on the rocks - so there is that.

Try not to worry about it. Adults that want to get drunk will find a way if you have shots or not! And have cab numbers on hand if you wont have transportation provided.

Ugh.  This reminds me of my own wedding.

Our coordinator had asked us before if we wanted shots served with the open bar.  We said sure.  Fast forward to the day of, about halfway through the reception.  slothieguy and I walk up to the bartender, ask for a couple of shots of whiskey.  The bartender says no.

I give him my best "dost my ears deceive me?" look.  He says no shots.  I say (and I'm not exactly proud of this) "Excuse me.  I'm not sure if you could tell, but I'm the bride.  With my new husband.  We paid for this.  We would like two shots."  

No shots.

I look him dead in the eye and say, "Then I would like a whiskey on the rocks.  Hold the rocks."  Still nothin'.  We finally just took whiskey on the rocks, slowly drained them into another glass while staring at the bartender, threw them back, and asked for two more.  Ain't no one going to tell me I can't take shots at my own wedding WHICH I ALREADY PAID FOR.

(OK sorry for getting off track and having slothie story time.)

theartistformerlyknownas

Good on you for remembering to ask. Every wedding I've been to has had a no-shot policy, so I just thought that was the norm... nooope. We had a consumption bar too. And people did shots. And we came home from our honeymoon to a $2,000 bar tab - over and above the estimate we'd already paid up front. Whoops! Lol at least everyone had fun. 

climbingsingle

I think shots are OK to nix from the open bar. Most of the weddings I've attended didn't allow them anyway, including my venue. 

amelisha

@slothiegal, I get where you're coming from, but if your venue had a no-shots policy, your bartender probably cared more about keeping his job and not getting in trouble from his boss than you. That's something that should have been taken up with the onsite manager if you had a problem, not by forcing someone to do something they could get in huge trouble for.

I had a bar job once with a very strict "no triples" policy, and I had more than one guy get very upset with me ("Do you know how much I paid for this dinner?!") for honouring that, but I needed that job and I did not need my managers writing me up for doing something against the rules no matter what.

Not trying to pick a fight, but I think stuff like that is really unfair to your poorly-paid service industry worker who's just trying to do his job without pissing off his employer.

Cookie Pusher

slothiegal said:

Ugh.  This reminds me of my own wedding.

Our coordinator had asked us before if we wanted shots served with the open bar.  We said sure.  Fast forward to the day of, about halfway through the reception.  slothieguy and I walk up to the bartender, ask for a couple of shots of whiskey.  The bartender says no.

I give him my best "dost my ears deceive me?" look.  He says no shots.  I say (and I'm not exactly proud of this) "Excuse me.  I'm not sure if you could tell, but I'm the bride.  With my new husband.  We paid for this.  We would like two shots."  

No shots.

I look him dead in the eye and say, "Then I would like a whiskey on the rocks.  Hold the rocks."  Still nothin'.  We finally just took whiskey on the rocks, slowly drained them into another glass while staring at the bartender, threw them back, and asked for two more.  Ain't no one going to tell me I can't take shots at my own wedding WHICH I ALREADY PAID FOR.

(OK sorry for getting off track and having slothie story time.)

I would have been livid if that happened at my wedding. Because our venue was off-site for the caterer, we had to rent any glassware and pay per piece. When we said hell yea we wanted shots, he threw in several sets of shot glasses free of charge and had extra plastic ones in case we ran out of the glass ones (it's a good thing because there were many rounds of shots and around 40 Irish Car Bombs consumed that night).

That all being said, I wouldn't necessarily notice if shots were not being served at a wedding even if it was an open bar. So many venues have restrictions that I would just figure it was a venue policy if I did notice.

Jen4948

If your venue has a no shots policy then you don't need to worry, as long as there is security who will deal with anyone who gets out of line. Nor will you be charged for shots.

If not, I think it's okay to set a no shots policy. We're often telling posters that limited bars are okay. Just be sure that there is security on hand, and make sure your contract specifies that you are not to be charged for shots.

lyndausvi

amelisha said:

@slothiegal, I get where you're coming from, but if your venue had a no-shots policy, your bartender probably cared more about keeping his job and not getting in trouble from his boss than you. That's something that should have been taken up with the onsite manager if you had a problem, not by forcing someone to do something they could get in huge trouble for.

I had a bar job once with a very strict "no triples" policy, and I had more than one guy get very upset with me ("Do you know how much I paid for this dinner?!") for honouring that, but I needed that job and I did not need my managers writing me up for doing something against the rules no matter what.

Not trying to pick a fight, but I think stuff like that is really unfair to your poorly-paid service industry worker who's just trying to do his job without pissing off his employer.

I see your point and I've had the same thing happen to me.   Anyone paying for their own drinks is paying, so that excuse just pisses me off.  

That said in THIS case it was already agreed that shots were allowed.   So the bartender was in the wrong unless the she and her DH were so hammered that it would have caused him to lose his job for over serving.  Which I doubt is the case.

amelisha

lyndausvi said:

amelisha said:

@slothiegal, I get where you're coming from, but if your venue had a no-shots policy, your bartender probably cared more about keeping his job and not getting in trouble from his boss than you. That's something that should have been taken up with the onsite manager if you had a problem, not by forcing someone to do something they could get in huge trouble for.

I had a bar job once with a very strict "no triples" policy, and I had more than one guy get very upset with me ("Do you know how much I paid for this dinner?!") for honouring that, but I needed that job and I did not need my managers writing me up for doing something against the rules no matter what.

Not trying to pick a fight, but I think stuff like that is really unfair to your poorly-paid service industry worker who's just trying to do his job without pissing off his employer.

I see your point and I've had the same thing happen to me.   Anyone paying for their own drinks is paying, so that excuse just pisses me off.  

That said in THIS case it was already agreed that shots were allowed.   So the bartender was in the wrong unless the she and her DH were so hammered that it would have caused him to lose his job for over serving.  Which I doubt is the case.

To me it sounds like the bartender wasn't told that shots HAD been allowed (especially if they normally aren't.) So the most logical action would have been going to whoever was in charge on site and saying "Hey, I don't think the bar staff got the memo, but we approved shots with the open bar. Can you let them know?"

I just...bar staff aren't normally the ones making the decisions and they have no reason to deny people stuff unless they've been told by someone else. It's their job to pour and there's no reason anyone would care what specifically they're pouring (although I admit twelve-ingredient "martinis" with muddled fruit and stuff make me stabby during a dinner rush), so it's like 99% likely there was just a miscommunication. But at the end of the day the B&G aren't the bar staff's bosses, it's the venue management so I'd never blame event staff for not doing something if they think their management won't allow it.

Not to get too defensive, maybe he was just a jerk who hated pouring shots for some bizarre reason, but yeah. Most people are just trying to do their jobs and sometimes stuff gets messed up.

JennyColada

I'm not sure if shots were served at my cousin's wedding (I was sat at the singles table with my cousins hot single doctor friends who made a point to bring me full martinis when mine was running low). I imagine they were though, because after dinner and some dancing I went back to my table and saw - oh how thoughtful! They put out tiny little glasses of water for everyone! But how odd, why were they in such small glasses, so I'll just drink my neighbor's glass too...oh these are vodka.

That was a fun night.

slothiegal

amelisha said:

@slothiegal, I get where you're coming from, but if your venue had a no-shots policy, your bartender probably cared more about keeping his job and not getting in trouble from his boss than you. That's something that should have been taken up with the onsite manager if you had a problem, not by forcing someone to do something they could get in huge trouble for.

I had a bar job once with a very strict "no triples" policy, and I had more than one guy get very upset with me ("Do you know how much I paid for this dinner?!") for honouring that, but I needed that job and I did not need my managers writing me up for doing something against the rules no matter what.

Not trying to pick a fight, but I think stuff like that is really unfair to your poorly-paid service industry worker who's just trying to do his job without pissing off his employer.

Our venue did allow shots, and I specifically told our coordinator we would like them.

But I completely understand your point; that's why I said I'm not exactly PROUD of how I handled it I'm sure it was just a miscommunication bump and it was a thirty second encounter that i didn't give a second thought until this thread. Obviously I never intended for this poor kid to get in trouble; just a funny moment from the day that I thought I would share.

photokitty

slothiegal said:

syoun1nj said:

If it's a full open bar, it's not a waste of money as usually you pay per head.

That said, we had a full open bar, but the venue's policy was no shots. So shots weren't served. It's not improper to request no shots - would only be having something your guests can't if you then start doing shots and say they cannot.

But - they couldn't stop anyone from ordering a whiskey on the rocks - so there is that.

Try not to worry about it. Adults that want to get drunk will find a way if you have shots or not! And have cab numbers on hand if you wont have transportation provided.

Ugh.  This reminds me of my own wedding.

Our coordinator had asked us before if we wanted shots served with the open bar.  We said sure.  Fast forward to the day of, about halfway through the reception.  slothieguy and I walk up to the bartender, ask for a couple of shots of whiskey.  The bartender says no.

I give him my best "dost my ears deceive me?" look.  He says no shots.  I say (and I'm not exactly proud of this) "Excuse me.  I'm not sure if you could tell, but I'm the bride.  With my new husband.  We paid for this.  We would like two shots."  

No shots.

I look him dead in the eye and say, "Then I would like a whiskey on the rocks.  Hold the rocks."  Still nothin'.  We finally just took whiskey on the rocks, slowly drained them into another glass while staring at the bartender, threw them back, and asked for two more.  Ain't no one going to tell me I can't take shots at my own wedding WHICH I ALREADY PAID FOR.

(OK sorry for getting off track and having slothie story time.)

Next time order a "whiskey neat" it's a whiskey in a lowball, no ice, for sipping...almost always works at a "no shots" venue.

lyndausvi

photokitty said:

syoun1nj said:

If it's a full open bar, it's not a waste of money as usually you pay per head.

That said, we had a full open bar, but the venue's policy was no shots. So shots weren't served. It's not improper to request no shots - would only be having something your guests can't if you then start doing shots and say they cannot.

But - they couldn't stop anyone from ordering a whiskey on the rocks - so there is that.

Try not to worry about it. Adults that want to get drunk will find a way if you have shots or not! And have cab numbers on hand if you wont have transportation provided.

Ugh.  This reminds me of my own wedding.

Our coordinator had asked us before if we wanted shots served with the open bar.  We said sure.  Fast forward to the day of, about halfway through the reception.  slothieguy and I walk up to the bartender, ask for a couple of shots of whiskey.  The bartender says no.

I give him my best "dost my ears deceive me?" look.  He says no shots.  I say (and I'm not exactly proud of this) "Excuse me.  I'm not sure if you could tell, but I'm the bride.  With my new husband.  We paid for this.  We would like two shots."  

No shots.

I look him dead in the eye and say, "Then I would like a whiskey on the rocks.  Hold the rocks."  Still nothin'.  We finally just took whiskey on the rocks, slowly drained them into another glass while staring at the bartender, threw them back, and asked for two more.  Ain't no one going to tell me I can't take shots at my own wedding WHICH I ALREADY PAID FOR.

(OK sorry for getting off track and having slothie story time.)

Next time order a "whiskey neat" it's a whiskey in a lowball, no ice, for sipping...almost always works at a "no shots" venue.

not where I work.  People get pissed, but we are a not shot place and a good bartender isn't that stupid to see what a wedding guest is trying to do.

JennyColada

I worked at a college once and our rule was "no shots, no neats". So we'd give people ____ on ice with the single smallest ice cube we could find. That or they'd just chug panty droppers, which seems way more dangerous honestly.

larrygaga

Many venues don't even allow shots, but if it's per head it won't matter.

Don't worry about other people getting drunk at your wedding. They will get drunk off beer and wine if that's all you provide. It's really easy to do. I'm drunk off corona right now. It's the light variety, even.

And yes, I know it's 2pm. I'm having a bad week.

SP29

Next time order a "whiskey neat" it's a whiskey in a lowball, no ice, for sipping...almost always works at a "no shots" venue.

According to my husband, who is big into Scotch, neat is the correct way to enjoy scotch or whiskey. A fine drink, which is sipped, not swallowed in one gulp, would be ruined by being watered down by ice . 

OP- Nothing wrong with asking for no shots. Limited bars are fine. As long as you are hosting your guests properly (no wallets opening) and equally, you are good. 

Viczaesar

larrygaga said:

Many venues don't even allow shots, but if it's per head it won't matter.

Don't worry about other people getting drunk at your wedding. They will get drunk off beer and wine if that's all you provide. It's really easy to do. I'm drunk off corona right now. It's the light variety, even.

And yes, I know it's 2pm. I'm having a bad week.

No judgment, man.  I started drinking at noon today, and that's because we were running late - the original plan was to start at 10:30.  We were having an extended version LOTR marathon with two different drinking games (plus additional rules that we made up as we went).  Thank god we weren't doing shots; none of us would have survived the first movie!

ETA: We also had a 7-course Hobbitish feast - first breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, etc.  So we had plenty of food to line our tummies with!