Hi, newly engaged with several issues and a question

Knottie86667276

I'm newly engaged and am working some stuff out with my fiance, regarding finances and family...we're getting past some stuff, which is good, but there's one thing that REALLY is bothering me

His sister is a lesbian, who is in a committed relationship.  They are both very manly, and refuse to EVER wear dresses...My family will NOT like this.  They are very Catholic and old school.  I was hoping they could just dress nice and act natural and no one would notice, but they refuse to hide their relationship, which I get, but it's your brother's wedding for crying out loud! Future MIL is backing them 100%, and says she will NOT attend if they are not invited.  My fiance wants NO issues and feels that my family shouldn't care about what his sister does.  But I know they'll have a problem with it.

I'm REALLY annoyed that his sister and her woman can't suck it up and pretend for one day...It would mean alot to us and just make things run smoothly.  How do I proceed?  

Blue_Bird

I think you should probably go back and really read what you wrote. I want you to read it from the perspective of a stranger, so you can see how you sound. After you've done that, perhaps you'll be able to answer yourself. If you can't, I'll be happy to help you.

Blue_Bird

Knottie86667276 said:

I'm newly engaged and am working some stuff out with my fiance, regarding finances and family...we're getting past some stuff, which is good, but there's one thing that REALLY is bothering me

His sister is a lesbian, who is in a committed relationship.  They are both very manly, and refuse to EVER wear dresses...My family will NOT like this.  They are very Catholic and old school.  I was hoping they could just dress nice and act natural and no one would notice, but they refuse to hide their relationship, which I get, but it's your brother's wedding for crying out loud! Future MIL is backing them 100%, and says she will NOT attend if they are not invited.  My fiance wants NO issues and feels that my family shouldn't care about what his sister does.  But I know they'll have a problem with it.

I'm REALLY annoyed that his sister and her woman can't suck it up and pretend for one day...It would mean alot to us and just make things run smoothly.  How do I proceed?  

JIC

NowIAmSyp

This has, has, HAS to be MUD.  Has to be...  but either way, hold on, I'm going to grab some popcorn...  brb  

lovegood90

Knottie86667276 said:

I'm newly engaged and am working some stuff out with my fiance, regarding finances and family...we're getting past some stuff, which is good, but there's one thing that REALLY is bothering me

His sister is a lesbian, who is in a committed relationship.  They are both very manly, and refuse to EVER wear dresses...My family will NOT like this.  They are very Catholic and old school.  I was hoping they could just dress nice and act natural and no one would notice, but they refuse to hide their relationship, which I get, but it's your brother's wedding for crying out loud! Future MIL is backing them 100%, and says she will NOT attend if they are not invited.  My fiance wants NO issues and feels that my family shouldn't care about what his sister does.  But I know they'll have a problem with it.

I'm REALLY annoyed that his sister and her woman can't suck it up and pretend for one day...It would mean alot to us and just make things run smoothly.  How do I proceed?  

This can't be real.

xx802xx

Your entire story is saddening and infuriating. Why would you ask someone to change themselves or hide the fact that they are in a very loving relationship...same sex or not. You should tell the rest of your Catholic family to shove it because they are family now too. This is extremely disrespectful.

lyndausvi

This is your family's problem.     Shame on you for even bringing this topic up.

I will just sit back now:

JennyColada

OP, your post comes off as quite rude. Whether or not you meant it that way, I have no idea. But what you're expecting them to do (hide their relationship and pretend to be someone that they are not) is simply rude.

If you can't accept them for who they are then don't invite them. Similarly, if you put your image and family gossip over your future-sister-in-law then I would even advise your FSIL to decline the invitation to your wedding.

This is 2015. If you can't accept gender and sexuality equality then I really don't understand what's your problem.

Knottie86667276

I have NO issue with gay people at all, but I know how my nana and her husband will react and I just don't feel like dealing with it...I seriously just want to elope and deal with that drama instead.

aurianna

His sister is one of the most important people in his life. It is wrong to ask her or want her to pretend to be something she isn't. You can't ask your future husband's sister to hide her love, to be ashamed of it, on the day that you want everyone else to celebrate yours.

Don't tell adults what to wear. Let everyone be themselves. Anyone who has problems with it... it's their problem and not yours.

Do nothing but let people be themselves.

xx802xx

invite them all, it's their fault if they don't want to come...not yours...but DO NOT EVEN THINK about asking someone to change or hide who they are for the opinion of someone else

Knottie86667276

I don't want her change who she is, I guess I just want her to steer clear of my family...I also don't want my family to make her feel bad or insult her.  And how do I tell my 93 year old grandmother to not make rude comments about her?  

lyndausvi

Knottie86667276 said:

I'm newly engaged and am working some stuff out with my fiance, regarding finances and family...we're getting past some stuff, which is good, but there's one thing that REALLY is bothering me

His sister is a lesbian, who is in a committed relationship.  They are both very manly, and refuse to EVER wear dresses...My family will NOT like this.  They are very Catholic and old school.  I was hoping they could just dress nice and act natural and no one would notice, but they refuse to hide their relationship, which I get, but it's your brother's wedding for crying out loud! Future MIL is backing them 100%, and says she will NOT attend if they are not invited.  My fiance wants NO issues and feels that my family shouldn't care about what his sister does.  But I know they'll have a problem with it.

I'm REALLY annoyed that his sister and her woman can't suck it up and pretend for one day...It would mean alot to us and just make things run smoothly.  How do I proceed?  

It sounds to me this would me a lot to you and your bigoted family.  Not for your FI.

And what exactly will your family do?  I'm curious.  My entire family is Catholic. While some might agree with the Catholic Churches teachings, they are capable of being in the same rooms as lesbians. without making a scene.  They will be nice, cordial and treat them like everyone else.

  I'm kind-of laughing at the thought of your family flipping out at the mere sight of a lesbian.    

Knottie86667276

A part of me just says screw it, invite everyone and whatever happens, happens.  But this is my day and I want it to go smoothly, if not perfect and this has been on my mind.

maeday2

Knottie86667276 said:

I'm newly engaged and am working some stuff out with my fiance, regarding finances and family...we're getting past some stuff, which is good, but there's one thing that REALLY is bothering me

His sister is a lesbian, who is in a committed relationship.  They are both very manly, and refuse to EVER wear dresses...My family will NOT like this.  They are very Catholic and old school.  I was hoping they could just dress nice and act natural and no one would notice, but they refuse to hide their relationship, which I get, but it's your brother's wedding for crying out loud! Future MIL is backing them 100%, and says she will NOT attend if they are not invited.  My fiance wants NO issues and feels that my family shouldn't care about what his sister does.  But I know they'll have a problem with it.

I'm REALLY annoyed that his sister and her woman can't suck it up and pretend for one day...It would mean alot to us and just make things run smoothly.  How do I proceed?  

Holy shit. 

Based on that post, there is no helping you. 

Asking someone to be anyone other than who they are just to appease you for your wedding day is fucked up. 

xx802xx

P.S.- congrats on the engagement though!

Fran1985

Knottie86667276 said:

I don't want her change who she is, I guess I just want her to steer clear of my family...I also don't want my family to make her feel bad or insult her.  And how do I tell my 93 year old grandmother to not make rude comments about her?  

You say "Grandma, this is my sister in law you are insulting. Do not say rude comments about her."

Seriously your post is so so far out of line. There is nothing here for you to deal with. Better that your homophobic family doesn't come than your FI's sister and her partner don't. This is your family's problem. Your MIL shouldn't even be aware that you are having these thoughts (but good for her for backing up her daughter.) You should apologize to her and your FI for even bringing it up (I'm hoping you didn't actually mention it to his sister)

why on EARTH would your fi family have to suck it up and be "normal." your family is the one that has to suck it up and pretend to be a decent person for a few hours.

ChemFanatic25

Knottie86667276 said:

I have NO issue with gay people at all, but I know how my nana and her husband will react and I just don't feel like dealing with it...I seriously just want to elope and deal with that drama instead.

NOPE sorry sounds like you have issues a lot of issues. Shoot, my mom is gay and I wouldn't change her for anyone (well except to be a little less rude - she can be kind of rude). But anyone asks her to change I'd tell to go FUCK OFF!!! That is her life style and no one's business. If someone can't "handle it" then maybe they need to go crawl in a hole and stay there. It's the freaking 21st century, get with the times and take the flipping stick out of your butt.

Okay, I will now step down from my soap box but god, this post has my blood boiling.I really hope this isn't real.

Knottie86667276

I know my nana would make a comment, and be rude...she's very old school and everyone excuses her because she's the matriarch.  She's capable of saying something like, "what you do goes against God" or something (she's done it before)  it's awful, but I'm really lost as to waht to do.

larrygaga

lovegood90

Knottie86667276 said:

I know my nana would make a comment, and be rude...she's very old school and everyone excuses her because she's the matriarch.  She's capable of saying something like, "what you do goes against God" or something (she's done it before)  it's awful, but I'm really lost as to waht to do.

Maybe you shouldn't invite granny if she's not capable of being a polite adult in front of other people.

mikenberger

Is this motherfucking 1950? Your cheese has slid off your cracker.

ShesSoCold

Knottie86667276 said:

I know my nana would make a comment, and be rude...she's very old school and everyone excuses her because she's the matriarch.  She's capable of saying something like, "what you do goes against God" or something (she's done it before)  it's awful, but I'm really lost as to waht to do.

Then SHE needs to leave and/or not be invited in the first place. This is HER problem, NOT your FSIL's. 

twojunebrides

So, I had to read this like five times.  I"m very confused.  I usually don't respond to posts very often... but this... I just can't ignore.

As a lesbian, who is in a committed relationship, and ALWAYS wears dresses, I'm offended.  Will your family really care if there are some lesbians at your wedding?  Are you considering not inviting her to your wedding?  

In my opinion, it is hurtful that you would ask someone to hide their relationship while celebrating yours.  Acting natural to her and her partner.... well, that's acting like a lesbian (whatever that might mean.)

Let me share a quick story...

My mom recently got remarried.  I was asked to be her maid of honnor and things were going really well.  At some point, I aksed my mom what his (very catholic, old school) family thought about the fact that I was gay.  I assumed it had come up at some point.  I guess not... not a big deal to me.  Then, my mom proceeded to tell me that she'd appreciate if I could keep my relationship on the down low the weekend of her wedding... as to not cause any scenes.  I told her that I was hurt by her suggestion.  My partner and I are not a very PDA couple.  We don't kiss in public... we sometimes hold hands.  I told my mom that I would absolutely not change who I am just to make some narrow-minded people not loose thier cool.  

My mom and I did not talk for 3 weeks.  After a while, we started talking.  It was never brought up again.  A couple months before my mom's wedding, my partner and I got engaged.  Mom invited her to join the wedding party.  We walked down the aisle together.  We held hands.  We danced.

No one.  Not a single person said anything to me, FI, my mom, or my mom's husband.  Out of an entire family (20+ people) of old school catholics.   Point of the story... people surprise you.  

anther example: My FI's very catholic grandmother asked if she could go wedding dress shopping with us.  She came, and was more supportive than I would ever have imagined.  Give the old school catholics more credit.

mikenberger

Knottie86667276 said:

I know my nana would make a comment, and be rude...she's very old school and everyone excuses her because she's the matriarch.  She's capable of saying something like, "what you do goes against God" or something (she's done it before)  it's awful, but I'm really lost as to waht to do.

LET THEM BE WHO THEY ARE. They don't ask you to pretend to not like penis.

aurianna

1. Seat SiL with her partner far away from Nana so that Nana has to work pretty hard to say anything.

2. If you are comfortable talk to SiL and pre-emptively apologize. Sis, I'm sorry to bring up such a sensitive issue, and I hope nothing comes up. But I think I may need to warn you. I love my Nana so I want her at my wedding, but she is prejudice and I can't guarantee that she won't say something rude to you or your partner when I'm not looking. If she does, know that is just her opinion and not mine. And feel free to let me know if she does and I will talk to her."

3. If you haven't already, perhaps don't let Nana know. Maybe Nana won't even notice.
3b. If Nana DOES know, tell her, "Nana, I love you. But this is my future sister. It is important to me that she feels welcome to my family as I do to hers. If you love me, you will not say anything to her or her partner at my wedding."

Knottie86667276

TWO JUNEBRIDES--I love your story.  The problem is I KNOW my nana, and I know how rude she can be...I might have to just tell her to stop being a jerk and deal with the consequences.  My mom is trying to stay out of it, but said she will remove my grandmother if need be.

[Deleted User]

Is this post serious? Either way:

SJM7538

omg I really hope this is MUD. but just in case...

unless they are scissoring in the church you don't do a damn thing and you tell grandma to MYOB. or better yet how about you don't invite grandma?


my grandma is hardcore catholic and doesn't "agree" with alternative lifestyles. my MIL
is gay and married. my grandma didn't say a damn word.

JennyColada

Just give your FSIL a heads up "hey, my grandmother can be really rude and I feel like she might make a scene at my wedding, just beware! I just want you to have a good time!"

If it were me, I'd try to avoid the grandma but I'd still have a blast being myself.

I honestly don't understand why this is such an issue for you. You're making your grandma's problem your problem, which is exactly why she continues to behave like this because people like you allow it and cater to it.

mikenberger

How would you feel if your FSIL and her partner came up to you and your FI in preparation of their marriage and said "Hey, I know you two are in a great loving relationship but you're heterosexual. You'll stand out like a sore thumb. Please. Try not to act like you're in a relationship."

Why is it so okay for you to completely shit all over their relationship?