Is it rude to ask my wedding party to pay for their meal?

Liatris2010

lost2 said:

There's a difference between inviting someone for dinner and being pressured to host an event that you've already made clear you can not afford.

You don't have all of the facts and I completely understand that. But if someone is asking for advice that doesn't make it ok to harshly judge them and try to make them feel like crap.

 If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to tell your families that you will have the wedding you can afford on your timeline and not the one they want on theirs.

Stop trying to pass the bill off to yours friends because you are afraid to stand up to your families and speak up for yourselves. If you can't pay for your wedding, why do you think your friends should do it for you?

photokitty

Liatris2010 said:

lost2 said:

There's a difference between inviting someone for dinner and being pressured to host an event that you've already made clear you can not afford.

You don't have all of the facts and I completely understand that. But if someone is asking for advice that doesn't make it ok to harshly judge them and try to make them feel like crap.

 If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to tell your families that you will have the wedding you can afford on your timeline and not the one they want on theirs.

Stop trying to pass the bill off to yours friends because you are afraid to stand up to your families and speak up for yourselves. If you can't pay for your wedding, why do you think your friends should do it for you?


*************************

This. If you can't afford to feed your wedding party, why the hell did you have a wedding party inn the first place?? You don't have to have a wedding party, doing so typically results in extra costs.

But that ship has sailed, bc it would be equally rude to all them not to be in your wedding. Unless you and your FI went away alone and eloped...which is practically free and would solve a lot of your problems.

Whatever you do, don't ask your wp or guests to buy their meal ~ it is a TERRIBLE and VERY RUDE solution. If you love your guests you wouldn't put them in that situation.

climbingsingle

WhatawagSBNy said:

There are lots of times when saying fuck and similar expletives, and all of there derivatives is fine. They are merely descriptive. Saying " I had a fucked up day all day" is harmless. But when directed at someone else, as in saying, you are fucked up, or your ideas are fucked up, it is offensive. And I have to wonder what people are thinking when they correct someone else, on a matter of manners and etiquette, by rudely addressing the OP. As for "some other posters won't like it" messages, I consider it a badge of honor NOT fitting in or accepting the standards of a clique of posters who routinely attack and harass new posters, then crow when they are so intimidated or disgusted with such behavior that they leave. If an OP asks a question without any nasty attitude toward other posters, they deserve a civil response. And when the question is about manners, trying to point out what proper etiquette is while telling them their ideas are fucked up, is beyond ironic, it is unnecessary rudeness.

If you are offended by what Slothie posted, you should probably leave. 

WhatawagSBNy

climbingwife said:

WhatawagSBNy said:

There are lots of times when saying fuck and similar expletives, and all of there derivatives is fine. They are merely descriptive. Saying " I had a fucked up day all day" is harmless.

But when directed at someone else, as in saying, you are fucked up, or your ideas are fucked up, it is offensive.

And I have to wonder what people are thinking when they correct someone else, on a matter of manners and etiquette, by rudely addressing the OP.
As for "some other posters won't like it" messages, I consider it a badge of honor NOT fitting in or accepting the standards of a clique of posters who routinely attack and harass new posters, then crow when they are so intimidated or disgusted with such behavior that they leave.

If an OP asks a question without any nasty attitude toward other posters, they deserve a civil response. And when the question is about manners, trying to point out what proper etiquette is while telling them their ideas are fucked up, is beyond ironic, it is unnecessary rudeness.

------------------------------------------
If you are offended by what Slothie posted, you should probably leave. 

------------------------------------------
So what you think is that if other people disagree with each other, it is fine. But if I disagree with Slothie, I should leave the forum entirely?

Strange and rather autocratic standard. Wag

PrettyGirlLost

WhatawagSBNy said:

There are lots of times when saying fuck and similar expletives, and all of there derivatives is fine. They are merely descriptive. Saying " I had a fucked up day all day" is harmless. But when directed at someone else, as in saying, you are fucked up, or your ideas are fucked up, it is offensive. And I have to wonder what people are thinking when they correct someone else, on a matter of manners and etiquette, by rudely addressing the OP. As for "some other posters won't like it" messages, I consider it a badge of honor NOT fitting in or accepting the standards of a clique of posters who routinely attack and harass new posters, then crow when they are so intimidated or disgusted with such behavior that they leave. If an OP asks a question without any nasty attitude toward other posters, they deserve a civil response. And when the question is about manners, trying to point out what proper etiquette is while telling them their ideas are fucked up, is beyond ironic, it is unnecessary rudeness.

*Groan*

PrettyGirlLost

Liatris2010 said:

lost2 said:

There's a difference between inviting someone for dinner and being pressured to host an event that you've already made clear you can not afford.

You don't have all of the facts and I completely understand that. But if someone is asking for advice that doesn't make it ok to harshly judge them and try to make them feel like crap.

 If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to tell your families that you will have the wedding you can afford on your timeline and not the one they want on theirs.

Stop trying to pass the bill off to yours friends because you are afraid to stand up to your families and speak up for yourselves. If you can't pay for your wedding, why do you think your friends should do it for you?

This is the real issue here.

Whomever is pressuring you to get married because you are living in sin is a judgmental ass, and not only is their opinion to be discarded but I'd also discard them from any future wedding guest list.

Fuck that noise.

You are an adult.  Your life choices are none of their business.  Get married when you want to, when you can afford the wedding that you want.

[Deleted User]

southernbelle0915

WhatawagSBNy said:

WhatawagSBNy said:

There are lots of times when saying fuck and similar expletives, and all of there derivatives is fine. They are merely descriptive. Saying " I had a fucked up day all day" is harmless. But when directed at someone else, as in saying, you are fucked up, or your ideas are fucked up, it is offensive. And I have to wonder what people are thinking when they correct someone else, on a matter of manners and etiquette, by rudely addressing the OP. As for "some other posters won't like it" messages, I consider it a badge of honor NOT fitting in or accepting the standards of a clique of posters who routinely attack and harass new posters, then crow when they are so intimidated or disgusted with such behavior that they leave. If an OP asks a question without any nasty attitude toward other posters, they deserve a civil response. And when the question is about manners, trying to point out what proper etiquette is while telling them their ideas are fucked up, is beyond ironic, it is unnecessary rudeness.

------------------------------------------ If you are offended by what Slothie posted, you should probably leave. 

------------------------------------------ So what you think is that if other people disagree with each other, it is fine. But if I disagree with Slothie, I should leave the forum entirely? Strange and rather autocratic standard. Wag

What @slothiegal posted is within the TOS. To say, "that is a fucked up idea" is completely fine. If she had said "you are a fucked up person", then there would be a TOS violation. 

I think what people are saying is that if you don't agree with the TOS and you're going to be offended by posts that don't violate them, then it would make sense for you to a find a community/forum where you agree with the rules. 

When you sign up for a TK account you e-sign that you agree to the TOS and the community rules. If you actually don't, then this probably isn't the community for you.

WhatawagSBNy

pinkrevenge said:

WhatawagSBNy said:

------------------------------------------
So what you think is that if other people disagree with each other, it is fine. But if I disagree with Slothie, I should leave the forum entirely?

Strange and rather autocratic standard. Wag

I think the second you think you can tell other people how to post is the second you're too sensitive to be on the internet. You think you're being a cool rebel or something, but you're just acting like a snotty toddler.

I think wedding bee would be a better fit for you. Half the time you post things that look like you're not mentally there, and the other half you're trying to put the regs in their place. Why are you even here?


*******************
Far from being too sensitive to be on the net, I first came to the knot when in another bride's wedding in 1999, then came back within a year at the time of my first wedding (widowed) , then later to the wedding channel (which XO the knot had purchased and was running) and the knot in 2006 before my next wedding.
My listed membership 2008 is when the WC and the knot merged, new records.

I post off and on. Usually when I come to the site for advertiser's showcases and links.
Right now I am working on three weddings planning and dresses search. Not professionally.

A cousin who is legally blind, a friend in the army with little internet or telephone availability, a friend of a friend with scoliosis who needs help with a gown.

In 15 years I have seen posters come and go. Sometimes cohesive groups form on some boards, decide on their own ideas of etiquette different somewhat from generally accepted etiquette a la Miss Manners.

And sometimes a number or people on some boards are regularly aggressively insulting to any new poster they do not like for whatever reason.

Periodically, the knot cleans house and throws these people out.

Right now, regular posters on most of the boards are generally polite, and welcoming to newcomers. But on some, mostly these front page boards and especially Etiquette, Chit Chat, Wedding Party and Parties boards, every week there are new posters who quit because they asked a question and posters. responded in an insulting and hostile manner.
Correcting people's manners with rudeness.

XO the parent company is in business. They depend on people coming and staying a while, using advertising links, and posting. Happy posters stay, and maybe move on to the bump or the nest.

If posters' bad manners frequently chase new people away, XO gets a bad rep, and looses business. It is the posters who are not rude to newcomers and people different from themselves, that they want.

I am not a shy and fragile flower unable to survive on the internet. But I am initially civil to all.
And I do think more of the posters on some boards should be so too.
Your registration says 2014. You are the relative newcomer, and I the one who has survived just fine for years.

[Deleted User]

theartistformerlyknownas

I find it completely laughable that the person with the seemingly loosest grasp of the English language and most illegible posts is trying to tell other people how to phrase their sentences. Check yourself, Whatavag.

OP, here's the thing about the anonymous internet - people here MIGHT BE YOUR FRIENDS. An anonymous forum gives people the ability to speak their true feelings without feeling like we need to refrain from hurting a friend's feelings, but we may actually be the people you know. Try to keep that in mind.

There are some great suggestions on how to host a lovely wedding on a budget in the Budget Weddings board. Check it out.

flantastic

A lot of times, people come here asking how to do something terrible. Telling them that the idea is terrible and refusing to help them do it is not rude, for the last damn time. There is often no phrasing that will not make the OP take offense, but that's because they want to cling to their terrible idea out of selfishness. I'm not sure what you even want from us, Wag.

If a new poster seems like they're eventually actually willing to take some advice, like the OP of this thread, I'm happy to give it.

ohannabelle

PrettyGirlLost said:

WhatawagSBNy said:

There are lots of times when saying fuck and similar expletives, and all of there derivatives is fine. They are merely descriptive. Saying " I had a fucked up day all day" is harmless. But when directed at someone else, as in saying, you are fucked up, or your ideas are fucked up, it is offensive. And I have to wonder what people are thinking when they correct someone else, on a matter of manners and etiquette, by rudely addressing the OP. As for "some other posters won't like it" messages, I consider it a badge of honor NOT fitting in or accepting the standards of a clique of posters who routinely attack and harass new posters, then crow when they are so intimidated or disgusted with such behavior that they leave. If an OP asks a question without any nasty attitude toward other posters, they deserve a civil response. And when the question is about manners, trying to point out what proper etiquette is while telling them their ideas are fucked up, is beyond ironic, it is unnecessary rudeness.

*Groan*

I second that groan.

To whatawag: It's all very well and good that you've appointed yourself the Poster Girl for Good Etiquette and Internet Behavior in General. I don't think you honestly have the interpersonal skills for the job. 

You do realize that it's entirely possible to maintain whatever personal standards of behavior you have, without pontificating and censuring? Many members do. 

Social skill learned in kindergarten: Keep your eyes on your own work, and don't worry about what your neighbor's doing. You have some communication and socialization issues of your own you might be working on, instead of lecturing other people. Is there a way to promote your kinder gentler knot agenda without sounding like a self righteous windbag? There is. If that's truly your intent, simply live it. Just be kind and coherent. 

(For the record, I don't believe that's your intent. I think you have some sort of ax to grind. A big ax. I hear a lot of grinding.)

slothiegal

PP's have covered it better than I ever could.

whatawag, I'm a big girl who uses big girl words to emphasize a point, both online and in the real world.  I'm not sure what the point of your history lesson was, but you keep patting yourself on the back and I'll keep posting how I feel. 

PrettyGirlLost

WhatawagSBNy said:

WhatawagSBNy said:

------------------------------------------ So what you think is that if other people disagree with each other, it is fine. But if I disagree with Slothie, I should leave the forum entirely? Strange and rather autocratic standard. Wag

I think the second you think you can tell other people how to post is the second you're too sensitive to be on the internet. You think you're being a cool rebel or something, but you're just acting like a snotty toddler.

I think wedding bee would be a better fit for you. Half the time you post things that look like you're not mentally there, and the other half you're trying to put the regs in their place. Why are you even here?

******************* Far from being too sensitive to be on the net, I first came to the knot when in another bride's wedding in 1999, then came back within a year at the time of my first wedding (widowed) , then later to the wedding channel (which XO the knot had purchased and was running) and the knot in 2006 before my next wedding. My listed membership 2008 is when the WC and the knot merged, new records. I post off and on. Usually when I come to the site for advertiser's showcases and links. Right now I am working on three weddings planning and dresses search. Not professionally. A cousin who is legally blind, a friend in the army with little internet or telephone availability, a friend of a friend with scoliosis who needs help with a gown. In 15 years I have seen posters come and go. Sometimes cohesive groups form on some boards, decide on their own ideas of etiquette different somewhat from generally accepted etiquette a la Miss Manners. And sometimes a number or people on some boards are regularly aggressively insulting to any new poster they do not like for whatever reason. Periodically, the knot cleans house and throws these people out. Right now, regular posters on most of the boards are generally polite, and welcoming to newcomers. But on some, mostly these front page boards and especially Etiquette, Chit Chat, Wedding Party and Parties boards, every week there are new posters who quit because they asked a question and posters. responded in an insulting and hostile manner. Correcting people's manners with rudeness. XO the parent company is in business. They depend on people coming and staying a while, using advertising links, and posting. Happy posters stay, and maybe move on to the bump or the nest. If posters' bad manners frequently chase new people away, XO gets a bad rep, and looses business. It is the posters who are not rude to newcomers and people different from themselves, that they want. I am not a shy and fragile flower unable to survive on the internet. But I am initially civil to all. And I do think more of the posters on some boards should be so too. Your registration says 2014. You are the relative newcomer, and I the one who has survived just fine for years.

These are all subjective terms you are throwing about- aggressive, insulting, hostile, attack, etc.

The fact of the matter is that most of us are very direct and often blunt with our initial responses, and the OP's, who for the most part are just seeking validation and "support" and don't really and truly want actual opinions, read into those responses a hostile or attacking tone, when there actually isn't any at all.

If I post- "That's a really bad fucking idea" it's in response to something truly horrific because I dropped the F-Bomb and it's written as if I was speaking very calmly and pleasantly to you.  I'm not writing posts in a blind rage- and yet as soon as you are perceived to be somewhat stern or terse in your response, people start getting butt hurt and start bandying about terms like "bullying" "attack" "hostile" etc.

To which I say, "get a frigging grip and grow up."

And by the way, I don't post or respond or act any differently here than I do in actual life.  Seriously.  I'm just as direct, I have the exact same tolerance for bullshit and passive aggressive games- that being null fucks- and if asked my opinion I'm going to give it without molly coddling the asker, because I presume we are all adults, and adults should be able to handle reality and the truth.

I suspect many of the people who post these horrid, horrid ideas here have developed those horrid, horrid ideas from a warped sense of reality due to the fact that everyone blew rainbows, and unicorns, and puppies up their asses their entire lives, told then how wonderful they are, and never once actually said, "No, honey, that's a shitty attitude and a shitty idea."

I blame their parents for that.

I blame RomComs for instilling in women this absurd notion that once they become engaged, all their gal pals will squee about their wedding every moment for the entire duration of their engagement and fawn all over them like a queen holding court.

MadHops21

I've been back for a month and already noticed some new members here that should just be ignored. 

When I see Wag's name and avatar, I just skip her posting and don't bother reading. I like proper etiquette. 

thespeshulestsnowflake

MadHops21 said:

I've been back for a month and already noticed some new members here that should just be ignored. 

When I see Wag's name and avatar, I just skip her posting and don't bother reading. I like proper etiquette. 

Same here and I don't like flowery blocks of text that make no sense.

mikenberger

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

MadHops21 said:

I've been back for a month and already noticed some new members here that should just be ignored. 

When I see Wag's name and avatar, I just skip her posting and don't bother reading. I like proper etiquette. 

Same here and I don't like flowery blocks of text that make no sense.

Typically by the end of them (if I've made it that far) I'm like: 

thespeshulestsnowflake

mikenberger said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

MadHops21 said:

I've been back for a month and already noticed some new members here that should just be ignored. 

When I see Wag's name and avatar, I just skip her posting and don't bother reading. I like proper etiquette. 

Same here and I don't like flowery blocks of text that make no sense.

Typically by the end of them (if I've made it that far) I'm like: 

I'm more this

MadHops21

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

mikenberger said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

MadHops21 said:

I've been back for a month and already noticed some new members here that should just be ignored. 

When I see Wag's name and avatar, I just skip her posting and don't bother reading. I like proper etiquette. 

Same here and I don't like flowery blocks of text that make no sense.

Typically by the end of them (if I've made it that far) I'm like: 

I'm more this

ohannabelle

I felt that way about She Who Must Not Be Named.  (I don't want to magically summon her. )

You know, PPD advocate who never tired of her own voice?

I blocked her months and months before she was banned, because I was tired of scrolling past huge blocks of tedious.

Bubblegum5586

lost2 said:

Oh wow....thank you all for not being so judgmental. I do understand how this can seem like a rude or ridiculous question. At the same token, if my family and friends do really love me and care for me I don't see why it would be such a taboo to ask them for their help. My original plan was to have an extended engagement, my FI and I have already been together a long time we're not in a rush to sign papers. This wedding is really for our family and friends bc they believe that we've been living in sin until we actually get married....I will be making them personalized wedding party gifts as a thank you for participating in the wedding along with having them not get us a wedding gift. 

I have cut my list 3 times, I don't intend to purchase an expensive dress, i am making my own favors along with baking our wedding cake. Needless to say I was simply seeking advice instead you ladies felt the need to lash out and judge me horribly.  

lost2 said:

I guess I'm the only one here that has friends I can actually ask ridiculous questions to that will actually give a response back that won't be a lie to my face only to then BITCH to others about it later. 

If we don't like what the other has to say, we figure out a solution together and move forward. That's what friends are for, not to judge you and talk shit about you bc they didn't like a question you asked. 

I don't need to tell someone to go beg on the streets for money or turn tricks to get my point across. But then again, I'm not the adult here. Goodnight ladies. Thanks for the advice.

@lost2

I will start by saying that I think it is good you asked here first. Hopefully the advice given will show you what a terrible idea it is and save you from being a poor host. I know it can come across harsh here sometimes, but a lot of us here see bad idea after bad idea so the responses can come across as harsh.... because honestly... this is a terrible idea!

And to your defense. No. You may have a friend or 2 that wouldn't mind helping out, and they may all do it if you ask. But most of them will eye roll behind your back (and maybe complain to others) I know it's nice to think they wont, but they will. If you go into my profile and see some of the discussions I have started.... I have a few about a family member that is always making everyone else help host HER events! We help but think less of her each time, not only does she get a big eyeroll but everyone here on theknot gets to hear about it then we all laugh....

ShesSoCold

Yeah, OP, your friends and family might love you and they might be willing to help out with your bad ideas and not mind, but if you love and value them, why would you ask? You love these people - why are you trying to justify treating them like shit?

lilacck28

i i i i i ....whaaah?

PP said it all but I can't stop myself from repeating. Impulse control-- I'll work on it.

That is not the way to save money OP! And I REALLY want to know how much money you think you will save by having them pay for their meals?? Because compared to the rest of the guest list, it will be a drop in the bucket, that is NOT worth offending your friends. Please don't even mention you thought about this to them.

They will either 1. go along with it and really think "how rude. I have lost much respect for her, since she must not respect our relationship" or
2. tell you the exact same things we have told you and think "how rude. I have lost much respect for her, since she must not respect our relationship"

There is no way you come out unscathed by suggesting this to anyone, let alone actually following through. Do a very small, immediate family only wedding. or a cake and punch wedding with a lot of people. Or brunch. Or don't buy many flowers. Or don't have a DJ. Or have a dry wedding. Or do a long engagement and save up more money. Or don't have a wedding party, so no need for gifts or flowers for them. I guarantee your friends/ family that you would have picked would prefer you pay for their wedding meal, and not be a bridesmaid, than have the "honor" of standing up there with you, wearing a dress you dictated, AND paying for their meal as if they have a choice.

I'm doing a sunday brunch wedding. I definitely saved at least $20 per person compared to what I would have spent doing dinner at the same venue/ comparable venues. Actually, it would probably be more like $40-$100 per person.

ETA: if you do not have the money for any type of wedding that you (or your family) are interested in, then just tell your family "We can not afford what you want, so we are doing XYZ. " The end. OR "we can't afford what we, and you, want, so we are waiting another few years in order to save money." The end.

[Deleted User]

WhatawagSBNy said:

There are lots of times when saying fuck and similar expletives, and all of there derivatives is fine. They are merely descriptive. Saying " I had a fucked up day all day" is harmless. But when directed at someone else, as in saying, you are fucked up, or your ideas are fucked up, it is offensive. And I have to wonder what people are thinking when they correct someone else, on a matter of manners and etiquette, by rudely addressing the OP. As for "some other posters won't like it" messages, I consider it a badge of honor NOT fitting in or accepting the standards of a clique of posters who routinely attack and harass new posters, then crow when they are so intimidated or disgusted with such behavior that they leave. If an OP asks a question without any nasty attitude toward other posters, they deserve a civil response. And when the question is about manners, trying to point out what proper etiquette is while telling them their ideas are fucked up, is beyond ironic, it is unnecessary rudeness.

In case you ever wonder... this is the post that finally got me to do the thing I've wanted to do for weeks, click the Ignore button under your name.  So thanks.