Wedding Etiquette Forum

A polite way to say no crying babies during the ceremony

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Re: A polite way to say no crying babies during the ceremony

  • We're not having children either and we are also having an onsite babysitter. What we're doing is including a separate letter with the invite polietly stating that our ceremony and reception is a 10 year+ event and that we have provided an onsite babysitter for the whole day. We really tried to make the letter about the kids having the best day and not having to behave themselves or sit still and about how the parents would have a better day. Honestly, if people get pissy because their kid can't come, that's fine. It's my day, not theirs and if I don't want kids there then that's my choice...same with you. You've gone above and beyond by providing a babysitter and letter them know..that's really all you have to do. If people call and bitch just polietly say that you've provided a babysitter for their convenience and really just leave it at that. If they don't come, well, cheaper wedding for you.

     

    Enjoy!

    This is bad etiquette advice. Invitations should only ever say who IS invited. Not who ISN'T invited. By including a letter that says "10+", you're saying who isn't invited.

    I had a child free wedding. All you have to do is address the invite to Mr. and Mrs. Smith. If they RSVP for themselves and their kids, call them up and tell them the invitation was only for the 2 of them. Its not a complicated process, but a letter saying who isn't invited is an etiquette no no.
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    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2015

    We're not having children either and we are also having an onsite babysitter. What we're doing is including a separate letter with the invite polietly stating that our ceremony and reception is a 10 year+ event and that we have provided an onsite babysitter for the whole day. We really tried to make the letter about the kids having the best day and not having to behave themselves or sit still and about how the parents would have a better day. Honestly, if people get pissy because their kid can't come, that's fine. It's my day, not theirs and if I don't want kids there then that's my choice...same with you. You've gone above and beyond by providing a babysitter and letter them know..that's really all you have to do. If people call and bitch just polietly say that you've provided a babysitter for their convenience and really just leave it at that. If they don't come, well, cheaper wedding for you.

     

    Enjoy!

    **BOXES BOXES BOXES**


    If you don't want kids there, then don't invite kids to the wedding. 

    I swear to goddess, some brides seem to be under the impression that just because a kid is, y'know, a kid that means they don't need to be treated with the same respect as an adult when it comes to etiquette and being hosted. And, seriously, sending a letter to parents that basically says you don't think the children will be able to sit still and behave is basically telling your guests you don't think they can properly control their children and if I was one of those parents I'd decline so freaking fast.
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    Maggie0829novella1186PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ok, here's an idea. Bear with me. 

    At the parish I belonged to for 20+ years, there was a childcare room. Parishoners knew there was a childcare room. I also worked through my summers in college in a childcare room for a different church.

    The OP didn't say where her ceremony is. There is zero way to make care mandatory, but would a sign on the door saying "Childcare available in Room ABC" suffice?  

    The fact is responsible parents will remove a crying child from a ceremony. Even if they don't, crying children will not ruin a wedding. But, given that churches have optional childcare available for their services, I don't think it's out of line to have a babysitter available and a passive note, so that parents who would be so inclined to take advantage of services can if they want. 

    Pre-emptively forcing parents into it is absolutely a no-go as others have said, but again, I don't think it's bad to have the option available. 
    ________________________________


    rcher912PrettyGirlLost
  • Have respect for the parents... They won't let a baby sit there and cry. Well most won't. My three year old couldn't handle a catholic mass and wedding ceremony so what did I do walked him outside and let him blow off some steam. Did she notice no did any one care no.... I would never ever leave my child with someone I didn't know even if I talked to them before hand. Sorry but no
  • Ok, here's an idea. Bear with me. 


    At the parish I belonged to for 20+ years, there was a childcare room. Parishoners knew there was a childcare room. I also worked through my summers in college in a childcare room for a different church.

    The OP didn't say where her ceremony is. There is zero way to make care mandatory, but would a sign on the door saying "Childcare available in Room ABC" suffice?  

    The fact is responsible parents will remove a crying child from a ceremony. Even if they don't, crying children will not ruin a wedding. But, given that churches have optional childcare available for their services, I don't think it's out of line to have a babysitter available and a passive note, so that parents who would be so inclined to take advantage of services can if they want. 

    Pre-emptively forcing parents into it is absolutely a no-go as others have said, but again, I don't think it's bad to have the option available. 
    I feel like having the option is fine. It's when the OP stated that it was "MANDATORY" that she dove into the deep end of the insanity pool.

    I won't be told who to use as a sitter. Quite frankly, that doesn't make me entitled or a SS Helicopter Parent. It shows that I'm intelligent.
    rcher912[Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    leroweb said:

    Have respect for the parents... They won't let a baby sit there and cry. Well most won't.
    My three year old couldn't handle a catholic mass and wedding ceremony so what did I do walked him outside and let him blow off some steam. Did she notice no did any one care no....
    I would never ever leave my child with someone I didn't know even if I talked to them before hand. Sorry but no

    At my family's synagogue, the acoustics are such that children crying, having meltdowns, or just being loud echo so loudly that they literally stop the proceedings. Everyone notices because unless you're deaf there is no way not to notice it. And the seating is such that it can take a while for the parents of the kid to get the kid outside-assuming they do anything at all.

    "No one will notice a baby crying" is a BS generalization that doesn't always work and doesn't justify automatically inviting babies or small children. Sorry, but no. There may be a very good reason for not inviting your kid. If you're not going to respect it, then decline the damn invitation, but don't just show up with your kid and assume no one will notice him crying, let alone care.
  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 The hills of Tennessee member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper

    When I read the title of this thread the first thought that came to mind was, "Oh, so non-crying babies are ok?"  What?????

    Seriously though, the idea you have is not a very good one.  Telling parents they HAVE to use a babysitter during the ceremony won't go well.  It's not your place to control your guests, and I would think it's quite stressful to think about doing.

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  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    banana468 said:
    Ok, here's an idea. Bear with me. 

    At the parish I belonged to for 20+ years, there was a childcare room. Parishoners knew there was a childcare room. I also worked through my summers in college in a childcare room for a different church.

    The OP didn't say where her ceremony is. There is zero way to make care mandatory, but would a sign on the door saying "Childcare available in Room ABC" suffice?  

    The fact is responsible parents will remove a crying child from a ceremony. Even if they don't, crying children will not ruin a wedding. But, given that churches have optional childcare available for their services, I don't think it's out of line to have a babysitter available and a passive note, so that parents who would be so inclined to take advantage of services can if they want. 

    Pre-emptively forcing parents into it is absolutely a no-go as others have said, but again, I don't think it's bad to have the option available. 
    I feel like having the option is fine. It's when the OP stated that it was "MANDATORY" that she dove into the deep end of the insanity pool. I won't be told who to use as a sitter. Quite frankly, that doesn't make me entitled or a SS Helicopter Parent. It shows that I'm intelligent.
    She has stated previously that she would not allow children to leave this room unless the parents were taking their child home. Otherwise, if the kid was having a fit, the parents were just going to have to deal with it in the room or outside on their way home.

    I really hope that this particular poster has changed some of her viewpoints on how people should parent their children.

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  • I don't have kids.  I've never wanted kids.  My H & I chose to have a child-free wedding.

    And even I know that this is a terrible idea and you can't dictate mandatory child care.  Just don't invite kids.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    speakeasy14
  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp East Hanover, NJ member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer

    We're not having children either and we are also having an onsite babysitter. What we're doing is including a separate letter with the invite polietly stating that our ceremony and reception is a 10 year+ event and that we have provided an onsite babysitter for the whole day. We really tried to make the letter about the kids having the best day and not having to behave themselves or sit still and about how the parents would have a better day. Honestly, if people get pissy because their kid can't come, that's fine. It's my day, not theirs and if I don't want kids there then that's my choice...same with you. You've gone above and beyond by providing a babysitter and letter them know..that's really all you have to do. If people call and bitch just polietly say that you've provided a babysitter for their convenience and really just leave it at that. If they don't come, well, cheaper wedding for you.

     

    Enjoy!

    Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
    [Deleted User]
  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 The hills of Tennessee member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper

    We're not having children either and we are also having an onsite babysitter. What we're doing is including a separate letter with the invite polietly stating that our ceremony and reception is a 10 year+ event and that we have provided an onsite babysitter for the whole day. We really tried to make the letter about the kids having the best day and not having to behave themselves or sit still and about how the parents would have a better day. Honestly, if people get pissy because their kid can't come, that's fine. It's my day, not theirs and if I don't want kids there then that's my choice...same with you. You've gone above and beyond by providing a babysitter and letter them know..that's really all you have to do. If people call and bitch just polietly say that you've provided a babysitter for their convenience and really just leave it at that. If they don't come, well, cheaper wedding for you.

     

    Enjoy!

    . image

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    tcnoble
  • If my SO's sister received an invitation like this, she would absolutely attend and our niece and nephew would be dressed to the nine's sitting right beside her during the ceremony. She would honestly regard a note like that to be unworthy of being used as toilet paper. As would I.

    You cannot force parents to use childcare that you've arrange for. You cannot tell people that the may bring their children to your event but they must leave the child with a stranger for any amount of that time. Well, I take that back. You CAN do these things if you want, but you definitely cannot expect it go over well.

    Also, @Kahlyla had it 100000% right when she said it might be YOUR wedding, but it's still MY day in the sense that I'm spending MY day to witness your wedding and celebrate with you, so beyond the simple request to have me show up like I said I would, you don't get to control how I spend MY day. 
    PrettyGirlLostSP29[Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers


    Jen4948 said:

    leroweb said:

    Have respect for the parents... They won't let a baby sit there and cry. Well most won't.
    My three year old couldn't handle a catholic mass and wedding ceremony so what did I do walked him outside and let him blow off some steam. Did she notice no did any one care no....
    I would never ever leave my child with someone I didn't know even if I talked to them before hand. Sorry but no

    At my family's synagogue, the acoustics are such that children crying, having meltdowns, or just being loud echo so loudly that they literally stop the proceedings. Everyone notices because unless you're deaf there is no way not to notice it. And the seating is such that it can take a while for the parents of the kid to get the kid outside-assuming they do anything at all.

    "No one will notice a baby crying" is a BS generalization that doesn't always work and doesn't justify automatically inviting babies or small children. Sorry, but no. There may be a very good reason for not inviting your kid. If you're not going to respect it, then decline the damn invitation, but don't just show up with your kid and assume no one will notice him crying, let alone care.



    I don't think @leroweb was saying that you should always invite children because no one will notice them, or that she would show up with her kid if the kid was not invited. I didn't see that anywhere.

    All she was saying was that you can't invite children with their parents and then tell the parents how to parent them.

    I don't disagree with her about it being rude to tell parents how to parent their kids-just with the dismissive "you'll never notice/no one will care" BS because it just isn't so.
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    JBee85 said:
    Even if you don't invite kids... Some parents will look at the RSVP and actually think their babies don't count because they aren't getting a meal/plate/seat at your reception and that it "wouldn't matter." I had TWO couples bring their babies to my wedding even though my invites were specifically addressed to the couple only. I mean... What was I going to do? Stop the ceremony altogether and tell them to leave?

     I was very fortunate their babies did not cry during the ceremony or speeches, and the parents actually sat in the back of the church in case they had to take their baby out. In addition I was SO busy with other guests and happenings at my own wedding that I honestly didn't notice them at all.

    So yea, be VERY prepared for people to still bring their babies to your wedding and you find out the day of because they will honest to God think their baby will not affects their RSVP.
    Eeek!  Very rude of those guests!  We had a child-free wedding and had no guests bring their univited babies.
  • rcher912rcher912 Philadelphia member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    lyndausvi said:

    We're not having children either and we are also having an onsite babysitter. What we're doing is including a separate letter with the invite polietly stating that our ceremony and reception is a 10 year+ event and that we have provided an onsite babysitter for the whole day. We really tried to make the letter about the kids having the best day and not having to behave themselves or sit still and about how the parents would have a better day. Honestly, if people get pissy because their kid can't come, that's fine. It's my day, not theirs and if I don't want kids there then that's my choice...same with you. You've gone above and beyond by providing a babysitter and letter them know..that's really all you have to do. If people call and bitch just polietly say that you've provided a babysitter for their convenience and really just leave it at that. If they don't come, well, cheaper wedding for you.

     

    Enjoy!

    Oh bless your little heart.   You actually think this letter is polite.


    I only invited my nieces and nephews.   I didn't have to write some condescending letter to explain why the others' devil child(ren) would be happier some where other than at the wedding.  I simply didn't invite the kids.   

    One parent asked if her child could come, I simply said "no".  


    BTW - most 5-9 years hold know how to behave.  I'm sure they all go to school, some might even go to a house of worship and know how to sit quietly during a ceremony.   They know how to eat properly.   And honestly I do not see much difference in kids playing and adults dancing or hanging out at a bar.  Both are loud with people moving.

    My strict Catholic grandmother use to calm parents when they got all flustered when young kids were talk during the "wrong" parts of a mass.  She always said "We all just sang and/or said a prayer.  They are just a little early or late"
    I love this! At my church, my pastor always encourages parents to keep children (even crying babies) in church instead of using the (optional) nursery because "all of it is a gift to God" or something sweet like that.

    And in the end...you'll still be married. And your beautiful video will be a reminder of your wonderful day (And oh hahaha, remember when Johnny was that little and Aunt Suzie couldn't stop him from running all over the place? lawl, that was fun.)
    SP29[Deleted User]
  • We had kids at our wedding.  Young ones.  Not one cried, but even if they did, it wouldn't have mattered to us.  At the end of the day we were married, even with crying babies.  Any videographer worth their salt will be able to edit out the crying if it happens.  Trust me, you are not the first bride in the history of the world that has had a child cry during the ceremony.  

    As far as separating the children, in my experience that is a recipe for disaster.  Have you heard a child cry because they were handed to a stranger?  It it ear piercing. And once one child cries, they all start.   You will definitely hear that during the ceremony.  

    If you truly don't want babies/children, then don't invite them.  Be prepared for parents to decline, especially if they are traveling.  And, if I was a parent, there is no way in hell that I would leave my child with someone I don't know who is watching numerous children.  Even if you vouched for them.
    ROCK IS KING!!
  • OH MY GOD you guys this is satire
  • mrscomposermrscomposer Mani-snow-ba member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    nyarmosh said:
    I am okay with kids coming to the wedding, however, I am having a videographer for the ceremony and would like to look back a nice ceremony experience. For me, the nice ceremony experience would be ruined by a crying baby. So the solution I have come up with is that I would hire an onsite babysitter (lots of babysitting experience etc) that would watch the babies during the 20-30 minute ceremony. Parents could call and chat with this babysitter prior to the wedding so that they could get to know her and feel more comfortable. Also, she would only be about 30-40 feet away from the ceremony in another room. 

    What is a polite way to say this to parents of babies, that they can bring the baby but the baby is not invited to the ceremony? I was thinking of adding a separate note in the invitation politely saying this, but I am not sure what to specifically say in the note. I want it to be direct and that it is NOT OPTIONAL to use the babysitter but rather MANDATORY if they want the baby to come. 

    I'd appreciate your help ... thanks!


    Late to the party (as per usual), but I just wanted to say - if I had a baby and was invited to your wedding, and was informed that childcare by some random person I didn't know was MANDATORY and NOT OPTIONAL... well, I'd plunk my ass down in the middle of the sanctuary with my baby, and poke it with a pin so that it would cry right in the middle of your vows.

    Not really.  But you get the idea.

    We had babies at our wedding.  I honestly couldn't tell you if they cried or not, even after watching the video.  Weddings are one of those occasions where parents are a little more quick to hustle them out of the room and into a nursery so they don't disturb the proceedings longer than necessary.  Babies cry.  That's life.  You're getting married.  That's also life.  At the end of the day, it's not going to matter. 

    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
    PrettyGirlLostmadamerwinLowell14
  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited February 2015
    If my SO's sister received an invitation like this, she would absolutely attend and our niece and nephew would be dressed to the nine's sitting right beside her during the ceremony. She would honestly regard a note like that to be unworthy of being used as toilet paper. As would I.

    You cannot force parents to use childcare that you've arrange for. You cannot tell people that the may bring their children to your event but they must leave the child with a stranger for any amount of that time. Well, I take that back. You CAN do these things if you want, but you definitely cannot expect it go over well.

    Also, @Kahlyla had it 100000% right when she said it might be YOUR wedding, but it's still MY day in the sense that I'm spending MY day to witness your wedding and celebrate with you, so beyond the simple request to have me show up like I said I would, you don't get to control how I spend MY day. 

    ----------------- Edited because of disappearing paragraphs

    This. What would you do if a parent brought their baby to the ceremony? Will you also be hiring a bouncer to kick kids out? Will you forcibly remove them? Because surely that wouldn't ruin the ceremony...

    I think it's very gracious to offer childcare at your wedding, but you absolutely cannot make it mandatory. FI and I offering onsite childcare at our wedding for the convenience of our adult guests, but guess what? It is completely up to the parents whether they take advantage of it.

    Also - what if there was a one-month old baby at your ceremony? Tiny babies generally sleep most of the time... Would you force parents to put their infant child in the care of a stranger just because of the slight change they may make a peep during your ceremony? I think you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture here...

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • YogaSandyYogaSandy member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2015
    Bump lurker ...

    No way in hell would I use a mandatory sitter, especially one I didn't know. My son has never been left with a sitter. It took me a long time to be comfortable leaving him with either of his grandmas (and SIL once). Granted, that is my issue, not anyone else's. I would definitely decline the invite. I firmly believe that DH and I made the choice to have DS and that decision should not effect or negatively impact anyone else in any way (which is why I don't often ask my mom to watch DS - even though she tells me that is ridiculous), but that does not mean I would bow to your demand. I would not leave my kid with someone I only spoke to on the phone - even if he was just 40 feet away from me. We would decline. In a heartbeat.

    ETA - of course if he was trying, or not sitting still, I would take him out of the room, because I have enough common sense and courtesy to do so.
    JellyBean52513PrettyGirlLostslothiegalDreamergirl8812
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