Just Engaged and Proposals

Just need to vent...sorry

Okay so I have been engaged for about 16 months... (we wanted a long engagement so that I can graduate college first). Anyways, my parents have been involved in my wedding from the very start.  In fact they are paying for just about everything, his parents on the other hand, not so much. The keep saying they will help out, and then back out.  They have done this at least three times now.  For most of the engagement they actually never really had any in put in the wedding details, and when they did, it would be a few quick questions and then quickly change the subject like they never mentioned it.

Well now we are a few months away from the wedding and they are making my life a living hell.  They now want to have a say in things and have opinions about stuff that I have already taken care of.  And then they get nasty when I have done something that they don't agree with (theme, venue, photographer, the registries, etc.).  IN fact they call my fiancé (their son) a lot of times and make statements about different aspects of the wedding, and it normally ends in an argument, again might I add, they have not pitched in a single penny.  But yet they have strong feelings about the wedding that we have been planning.

Things have been really tough between his family and mine lately because my parents are paying for 100% of the wedding, and his family is now telling them how to spend their money. I have many times, told my fiancé it's not even worth it anymore, I can take the cut downs, the verbal abuse or even the attitude that they constantly have against me and my parents. Now the closer we get to the wedding the worst it gets.  We have decide to pay for all of the bridal parties attire (my parents are very traditional) and his mom started complaining to him about where we are getting the tuxes and that we need to keep in mind that is brother is a very large man and that we need to make sure he is taken care of. Constantly treating us like we are stupid and small children (he's 31 and I'm 25, we are not children by any means).

I don't know what to do.  I am extremely nervous about the wedding and how they are going to act around my family.  I feel like I wont ever win when it comes to them and that sometimes they think i'm not good enough for their son.  It's hard, really hard to try and be nice.  But I'm at the edge of a cliff right now, and i'm just seconds away from falling over. :-(

Re: Just need to vent...sorry

  • Jdl541989 said:

    Okay so I have been engaged for about 16 months... (we wanted a long engagement so that I can graduate college first). Anyways, my parents have been involved in my wedding from the very start.  In fact they are paying for just about everything, his parents on the other hand, not so much. The keep saying they will help out, and then back out.  They have done this at least three times now.  For most of the engagement they actually never really had any in put in the wedding details, and when they did, it would be a few quick questions and then quickly change the subject like they never mentioned it.

    Well now we are a few months away from the wedding and they are making my life a living hell.  They now want to have a say in things and have opinions about stuff that I have already taken care of.  And then they get nasty when I have done something that they don't agree with (theme, venue, photographer, the registries, etc.).  IN fact they call my fiancé (their son) a lot of times and make statements about different aspects of the wedding, and it normally ends in an argument, again might I add, they have not pitched in a single penny.  But yet they have strong feelings about the wedding that we have been planning.

    Things have been really tough between his family and mine lately because my parents are paying for 100% of the wedding, and his family is now telling them how to spend their money. I have many times, told my fiancé it's not even worth it anymore, I can take the cut downs, the verbal abuse or even the attitude that they constantly have against me and my parents. Now the closer we get to the wedding the worst it gets.  We have decide to pay for all of the bridal parties attire (my parents are very traditional) and his mom started complaining to him about where we are getting the tuxes and that we need to keep in mind that is brother is a very large man and that we need to make sure he is taken care of. Constantly treating us like we are stupid and small children (he's 31 and I'm 25, we are not children by any means).

    I don't know what to do.  I am extremely nervous about the wedding and how they are going to act around my family.  I feel like I wont ever win when it comes to them and that sometimes they think i'm not good enough for their son.  It's hard, really hard to try and be nice.  But I'm at the edge of a cliff right now, and i'm just seconds away from falling over. :-(

    Take a deep breath.

    You don't have to love your in-laws.  You don't even have to like them.  You do need to be polite and civil to them.  They might just be the grandparents of your future children someday.

    My MIL and my mother hated each other since before we were even born.  MIL did everything she could do to stop the wedding, including refusing to stand in the reception line with "that bitch".  At the reception she sat in a corner and cried and told anyone who would listen that her son was making the worst mistake of his life by marrying me.  I never stopped smiling.  I got a lot of sympathy.

    Four years later, I presented her with her first grandchild - daughter dearest.  A magical transformation took place.  Suddenly I became a wonderful mother who had produced the perfect grandchild!  I was very glad that I had held my tongue for those early years.

    Your FILS have no power over your wedding plans.  There is nothing that they can do to change them except moan and complain.  Ignore them.  Be polite when you remind them that those plans have already been made.  Let your FI deal with them.  They are HIS problem.  Don't put him in the position of having to referee between you.  Don't get pulled into conversations about your wedding plans. 

    It will be fine.  You will have a lovely wedding.  Perfect?  No.  There is no such thing as a stress free, perfect wedding. 

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    ohmrs2014haleyk620Jdl541989
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your FI needs to tell his parents that their opinions on the wedding are not welcomed.  HE needs to say this, not you.  This is his parents and he needs to get them to shut down.  If he cannot or will not, then be prepared because this will be your life forever.  Yours ILs will butt in with every possible situation: raising kids, buying a house, saving for retirement, etc.  You name it, they will have an opinion on it. 

    Your FI doesn't have to be mean or rude to anyone, but he needs to shut this down now.  "Mom/Dad, I am so happy that you are excited for the wedding.  However, we have this handled and all of your suggestions are being offered too late.  We will not be changing anything.  It will probably be best if we stop talking about the wedding plans."  Then if they won't stop, your FI needs to show them you won't talk about the wedding.  That includes hanging up the phone or leaving.
    Jdl541989Jen4948
  • Your FI needs to step in and deal with his parents and keep them away from you/your family
  • mrscomposermrscomposer Mani-snow-ba member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer

    "Thank you for the opinion/advice/suggestion, but we've already taken care of it."  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Do what you're doing (including making the necessary arrangements for brother's attire) and just treat it like white noise in the background.  Let your FI do all the talking to them.

    And if they act like idiots at the wedding?  That's on them, and not on you.

    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
    Jdl541989
  • Thanks guys, I thought maybe I was over reacting. But I agree that it's a situation for my FI to take care of.

    This is one thing about the wedding that I am not so happy about.

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I'm sorry they are being assholes. Your fiancé needs to set them straight.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2015
    I'm sorry they are giving you such a hard time.

    But your FI needs to have your back. I would tell him that this ugliness from them needs to stop, and don't take "that's just how they are" for a response from him (I know you haven't mentioned that; I just think you should not accept that from him.
  • It's funny you say that, he says that a lot about his dad.  He is always saying "he is always this way."

    But for an update, his mom did make reservations for the place we want to do our rehearsal dinner at.  So we will wait and see I guess.

    I just wish I knew what to say to anyone to make this easy, or at least understands what the issue is, if that even makes sense.

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