Can I un-ask a bridesmaid that would most certainly cause problems? (I didn't ask her anyway)

ks3388

Background story: My fiance and his parents have been friends with another family for three generations. They have a daughter my fiance's age who grew up with him, and they basically consider each other brother-sister. However, his positive feelings toward her have gradually faded as she's become increasingly more abrasive over the years (as has her family). Drama queen is the biggest understatement ever - this girl brings full blown anxiety to anyone she's around. 

Right after we got engaged, my fiance was super excited about, well, being engaged, and in his excitement asked both her and her husband to be in our wedding party. They were both super excited and accepted. However, it's come to light that she has been saying some untrue things about his family (something she has a tendency to do), and now her family is so upset with his family that they are threatening to not even come to our wedding. I hate to admit it, but it would make my life SO much easier if she weren't in the wedding party. First of all, I'm getting married in a small country chapel, and I've seen how 9 bridesmaids and groomsmen look at the front -- it's very cramped (so much so that the 8th and 9th have to wrap around the sides of the chapel). Secondly, my mom and wedding planner are pressuring me to have a smaller wedding party (it sits at 10 with her in it), and my fiance only has 7 (six if her husband is un-asked too). And lastly, my fiance's family is concerned that she is such a type A, abrasive, in-your-face loose cannon that she will not only make my wedding day (and events leading up to it) extremely stressful, but will also potentially continue to smear my fiance's family after she gets a few drinks in her. 

How can I or my fiance politely un-ask her to be in my party? I didn't even want her in it in the first place, but understood why my fiance asked her. By the way, my fiance 100% agrees with me now and regrets jumping too fast to ask her. 

Thanks!

photokitty

ks3388 said:

Background story: My fiance and his parents have been friends with another family for three generations. They have a daughter my fiance's age who grew up with him, and they basically consider each other brother-sister. However, his positive feelings toward her have gradually faded as she's become increasingly more abrasive over the years (as has her family). Drama queen is the biggest understatement ever - this girl brings full blown anxiety to anyone she's around. 

Right after we got engaged, my fiance was super excited about, well, being engaged, and in his excitement asked both her and her husband to be in our wedding party. They were both super excited and accepted. However, it's come to light that she has been saying some untrue things about his family (something she has a tendency to do), and now her family is so upset with his family that they are threatening to not even come to our wedding. I hate to admit it, but it would make my life SO much easier if she weren't in the wedding party. First of all, I'm getting married in a small country chapel, and I've seen how 9 bridesmaids and groomsmen look at the front -- it's very cramped (so much so that the 8th and 9th have to wrap around the sides of the chapel). Secondly, my mom and wedding planner are pressuring me to have a smaller wedding party (it sits at 10 with her in it), and my fiance only has 7 (six if her husband is un-asked too). And lastly, my fiance's family is concerned that she is such a type A, abrasive, in-your-face loose cannon that she will not only make my wedding day (and events leading up to it) extremely stressful, but will also potentially continue to smear my fiance's family after she gets a few drinks in her. 

How can I or my fiance politely un-ask her to be in my party? I didn't even want her in it in the first place, but understood why my fiance asked her. By the way, my fiance 100% agrees with me now and regrets jumping too fast to ask her. 

Thanks!

You cannot un-ask someone to be in the WP unless you want to end the friendship entirely. It is a rude thing to do a dn the only reason you should do it is if you are committed to cutting that person out of your life entirely.

In your case, you should have absolutely nothing to do with the decision. This is your FI's friend, and his action will affect both families.

Don't use lame excuses like having too many people cramped up in the front of the chapel - that's lame and tacky. Your mom and wedding planner need to stop, it's none of their business or concern who is in the WP - and you can't get any smaller than who you've already asked - it's a done. They need to get over it. Third, you can't kick her out and keep her husband in the WP. As I said, this is a rude, harsh, friendship ending move.

Your FI needs to think very carefully. If he kicks them out of his life and the WP then he needs to be prepared for the fallout. His family needs to be prepared as well. You should stay out of it and let them sort it out.

ks3388

That's sort of what I told my mom -- my fiance got me in this situation, and unless we want to burn a 3-generation-long bridge, we may just have to deal with the consequences of him jumping the gun on asking them (but I figured I'd ask because it certainly would make my life easier!). 

Thanks!
Katie

thisismynickname2

Honestly? I'd keep her in the party because kicking her out is rude, but given the drama you've described, she may take herself out of the wedding.  I'd just stay out of the drama and see how it plays out. 

I've been there... My husband had a huge falling out with a longtime friend and groomsman just weeks before our wedding. The GM said, "Maybe I shouldn't come to the wedding," and DH said, "Yeah, maybe you shouldn't."  They have not spoken since.

Drama sucks.  Good luck. 

aliciag2015

I say screw her and her drama family.  It may be rude and tacky, but I kicked out 2 bridesmaids from my party.  One was my sister and one was my step sister.  They don't speak to me, and are not involved in my life so I decided, why spend the money on them if they couldn't care less about me and my FH and our lives? 

This tacky and rude woman who your fiance invited should be axed, and let him do it, as he invited her.  This is YOUR day and is about YOUR relationship with your FH, not the relationships you have with these ancient (history) friends. 

lovegood90

Regardless of the state of your Fi's friendship with this woman, I would be working under the assumption that she would be standing on his side, not yours, because it sounds like he asked her to be in the wedding party without consulting you; no one gets to determine who is in your wedding party except you. Plus, it doesn't sound like you have much of a friendship with her anyway.

So I would just stand back and let your Fi handle it, because this doesn't affect your side of the wedding party, but his. At least, that's how I would handle/assume things if it were me

levioosa

aliciag2015 said:

I say screw her and her drama family.  It may be rude and tacky, but I kicked out 2 bridesmaids from my party.  One was my sister and one was my step sister.  They don't speak to me, and are not involved in my life so I decided, why spend the money on them if they couldn't care less about me and my FH and our lives? 

This tacky and rude woman who your fiance invited should be axed, and let him do it, as he invited her.  This is YOUR day and is about YOUR relationship with your FH, not the relationships you have with these ancient (history) friends. 

Woah, that is so rude! If you want your wedding day to be all about you, then you should elope. 



OP, don't take this advice.  Asking someone to step down is a friendship ending move.  Since all that is required of BMs is to show up on time, sober, and in the dress on the day of the wedding, I would just leave her in the party to avoid the drama.  Just don't share any wedding details with her other than where she needs to be the day of.  She can't do much without any ammo to go on. 

Since your FI asked her, she should really be standing on your FIs side.  As far as the numbers go, sides don't have to be even, and your WP will still look lovely with uneven numbers.  As an alternative to the cramped space, you could reserve the first row for your WP, and after walking to the front, they could sit down. 

If your FI asks her to step down (and if that is your decision as a couple, he needs to be the one to do it) you need to be prepared for the fallout. 

PrettyGirlLost

aliciag2015 said:

I say screw her and her drama family.  It may be rude and tacky, but I kicked out 2 bridesmaids from my party.  One was my sister and one was my step sister.  They don't speak to me, and are not involved in my life so I decided, why spend the money on them if they couldn't care less about me and my FH and our lives? 

This tacky and rude woman who your fiance invited should be axed, and let him do it, as he invited her.  This is YOUR day and is about YOUR relationship with your FH, not the relationships you have with these ancient (history) friends. 

This is awful advice, OP please don't pay it any mind.

As others have said, I'd stay out of this mess as it is one of your FI's creating.  This couple should be standing on his side, both of them, since they are his friends and he asked them.  Let his family and their family fight it out, that drama has nothing to do with your wedding.  And chances are if it escalates enough this couple will drop out of your wedding of their own choice.

Tell your Mom and Wedding Planner to get a grip- no one needs to stand up at the altar with for for the duration of the ceremony, anyways.  It's totally unnecessary and uncomfortable.  I've done it as a BM a ton of times and it sucked.  We all looked constipated and uncomfortable in the ceremony pictures, lol.  Just let the bridal party sit in the first row of pews.

zitiqueen

ks3388 said:

How can I or my fiance politely un-ask her to be in my party? I didn't even want her in it in the first place, but understood why my fiance asked her. By the way, my fiance 100% agrees with me now and regrets jumping too fast to ask her. 

Thanks!

She's not in your party. She's in his party, as is her husband.

danamw

I think that, kicking someone out of your wedding party CAN be a friendship/relationship ending move, but it doesn't necessarily have to be. You do have to be prepared for the possibility that the would be WP person will never speak to you again, and take that into consideration.

If behavior is so egregious, ousting them may be the only way. Even so, people can rise above things that happen, and summon the maturity to rise above it and move on with the relationship.

It takes honesty and tact, and forgiveness on both sides.

OliveOilsMom

OP, you should keep these people in your WP.  And since your FI asked her, she is a groomswoman.  Therefore, she gets to stand on his side.  She also is your FI's problem (attitude-wise), since there is no need for her to get ready with you, plan any parties for you (if they are offered), or even take her dress shopping.  If you keep these two in, I would just have FI tell her that she should buy a dress in the same color as the tuxes that will be worn.

You have to take into consideration not just FI & this girls' relationship, but also the generational relationship between the parties.  If FI wants to end this friendship, then he should just end the friendship with her.  Ending the friendship would naturally remove her from the wedding.  "Friend, I feel like our lives have gone in different directions.  I'm sorry to say that I no longer wish to continue our friendship.  I wish you nothing but the best."  No further explanations necessary.

photokitty

danamw said:

I think that, kicking someone out of your wedding party CAN be a friendship/relationship ending move, but it doesn't necessarily have to be. You do have to be prepared for the possibility that the would be WP person will never speak to you again, and take that into consideration.

If behavior is so egregious, ousting them may be the only way. Even so, people can rise above things that happen, and summon the maturity to rise above it and move on with the relationship.

It takes honesty and tact, and forgiveness on both sides.

In what world would kicking someone out of your wedding party NOT be a friendship ending move???Short of the wedding being canceled, I can't see any reason why I would "forgive" my friend for doing something so rude, tacky and harsh.

If the behavior is so egregious, you end end the friendship and kick them out - either way the friendship is severed. You can't treat your friends like crap and expect the "relationship" to move forward.

bethsmiles

danamw said:

I think that, kicking someone out of your wedding party CAN be a friendship/relationship ending move, but it doesn't necessarily have to be. You do have to be prepared for the possibility that the would be WP person will never speak to you again, and take that into consideration.

If behavior is so egregious, ousting them may be the only way. Even so, people can rise above things that happen, and summon the maturity to rise above it and move on with the relationship.

It takes honesty and tact, and forgiveness on both sides.

Treating your friends like shit and then expecting them to rise above it isn't friendship.

MairePoppy

Nope, it's rude to kick anyone out of your wedding party. There's no such thing as un-asking. They can both be on your Fi's side, though, since they are his friends and he's the one who asked them. The size of the chapel is no excuse. Have your wedding party sit in the front row, with just your MOH and BM standing with you. Problem solved.

danamw

Then in short, if a wedding party member does something very bad, such as an illegal activity, and you feel you cannot be friends with such a person anymore, it is still wrong to delete them from your wedding party?

PrettyGirlLost

danamw said:

Then in short, if a wedding party member does something very bad, such as an illegal activity, and you feel you cannot be friends with such a person anymore, it is still wrong to delete them from your wedding party?

Are you really trying to compare a wedding party member who's just being an asshat to one that committed a crime?

And what was the crime?  DUI, caught with pot, caught with a hooker, murder?  There are a lot of "illegal activities."

Also, photokitty said:

photokitty said:

danamw said:

I think that, kicking someone out of your wedding party CAN be a friendship/relationship ending move, but it doesn't necessarily have to be. You do have to be prepared for the possibility that the would be WP person will never speak to you again, and take that into consideration.

If behavior is so egregious, ousting them may be the only way. Even so, people can rise above things that happen, and summon the maturity to rise above it and move on with the relationship.

It takes honesty and tact, and forgiveness on both sides.

In what world would kicking someone out of your wedding party NOT be a friendship ending move???Short of the wedding being canceled, I can't see any reason why I would "forgive" my friend for doing something so rude, tacky and harsh.

If the behavior is so egregious, you end end the friendship and kick them out - either way the friendship is severed. You can't treat your friends like crap and expect the "relationship" to move forward.

MairePoppy

danamw said:

Then in short, if a wedding party member does something very bad, such as an illegal activity, and you feel you cannot be friends with such a person anymore, it is still wrong to delete them from your wedding party?

If your wp member has done something that warrants you calling the police on them, or they are a threat to you and your nearest and dearest then safety trumps etiquette.

@ks3388 is taking about risking a 3 generation family friendship over some allegations by a third party that the bm is talking smack about his family. If this is a concern, Fi should address the friendship issue or they should give this lifelong friend the benefit of the doubt. I'd like to know who told her about the rumors. Someone with ulterior motives?

PrettyGirlLost

MairePoppy said:

danamw said:

Then in short, if a wedding party member does something very bad, such as an illegal activity, and you feel you cannot be friends with such a person anymore, it is still wrong to delete them from your wedding party?

If your wp member has done something that warrants you calling the police on them, or they are a threat to you and your nearest and dearest then safety trumps etiquette.

@ks3388 is taking about risking a 3 generation family friendship over some allegations by a third party that the bm is talking smack about his family. If this is a concern, Fi should address the friendship issue or they should give this lifelong friend the benefit of the doubt. I'd like to know who told her about the rumors. Someone with ulterior motives?

Clearly gossip is on the same level as a crme though!

danamw

MairePoppy said:

danamw said:

Then in short, if a wedding party member does something very bad, such as an illegal activity, and you feel you cannot be friends with such a person anymore, it is still wrong to delete them from your wedding party?

If your wp member has done something that warrants you calling the police on them, or they are a threat to you and your nearest and dearest then safety trumps etiquette.

@ks3388 is taking about risking a 3 generation family friendship over some allegations by a third party that the bm is talking smack about his family. If this is a concern, Fi should address the friendship issue or they should give this lifelong friend the benefit of the doubt. I'd like to know who told her about the rumors. Someone with ulterior motives?

You have answered my question. I don't mean someone who just is a nosybody-gossip. If I was going to cut ties with such a person, I would know about 5 people in my life.

I meant something along the lines of safety. Or discovering something about someone, that I could not have that person in my life any longer.

slothiegal

PrettyGirlLost said:

MairePoppy said:

danamw said:

Then in short, if a wedding party member does something very bad, such as an illegal activity, and you feel you cannot be friends with such a person anymore, it is still wrong to delete them from your wedding party?

If your wp member has done something that warrants you calling the police on them, or they are a threat to you and your nearest and dearest then safety trumps etiquette.

@ks3388 is taking about risking a 3 generation family friendship over some allegations by a third party that the bm is talking smack about his family. If this is a concern, Fi should address the friendship issue or they should give this lifelong friend the benefit of the doubt. I'd like to know who told her about the rumors. Someone with ulterior motives?

Clearly gossip is on the same level as a crme though!

Shit, none of my family would've been able to come to my wedding if this was a thing.

KatieinBkln

danamw said:

Then in short, if a wedding party member does something very bad, such as an illegal activity, and you feel you cannot be friends with such a person anymore, it is still wrong to delete them from your wedding party?

I don't think it is, no. But the key phrase here is "cannot be friends with them anymore"--kicking them out of your WP is part of "breaking up" with them.

As for the forgiveness angle--sure, I can imagine a particularly well adjusted, laid back person being able to forgive a bride who kicked her out of the WP. It would be rare, but it could happen. But I think it would be ludicrous for anyone to expect such a thing to happen.

MairePoppy

Look at the money you would have saved @slothiegal.

slothiegal

MairePoppy said:

Look at the money you would have saved @slothiegal.

I could have had a B-list!

PrettyGirlLost

I want to know what this illegal activity was.

Bank heist?  Art theft?  Criminal Mischief?  Insurance fraud?

OliveOilsMom

KatieinBkln said:

danamw said:

Then in short, if a wedding party member does something very bad, such as an illegal activity, and you feel you cannot be friends with such a person anymore, it is still wrong to delete them from your wedding party?

I don't think it is, no. But the key phrase here is "cannot be friends with them anymore"--kicking them out of your WP is part of "breaking up" with them.

As for the forgiveness angle--sure, I can imagine a particularly well adjusted, laid back person being able to forgive a bride who kicked her out of the WP. It would be rare, but it could happen. But I think it would be ludicrous for anyone to expect such a thing to happen.

@AddieCake is one of the most laid back posters on here, but she has stated that her cousin did this to her and their relationship is forever damaged.  Right, Addie?  It was you?

AddieCake

Yes, my cousin kicked me out of her wedding. We didn't speak for several years. I never forgave her for it, but I did eventually put it behind me, and we tried to repair our relationship, but then she showed her true colors again over another issue, and I cut her out of my life permanently. I regret trying to repair the relationship with someone as awful as her.

Viczaesar

danamw said:

Then in short, if a wedding party member does something very bad, such as an illegal activity, and you feel you cannot be friends with such a person anymore, it is still wrong to delete them from your wedding party?

In that case you woman up and end the friendship.  Their involvement in your wedding will naturally end as a result.  Kicking someone out of your wedding and not addressing the larger issue is the cowardly way to approach the issue. 

Also, delete?  What is it with the euphemisms people use when asking about this?  Un-ask, ask them to step down, revoke the title, delete...call a spade a spade.  You're (general you) kicking them out of your wedding party, usually for a shitty reason.

ohannabelle

Viczaesar said:

danamw said:

Then in short, if a wedding party member does something very bad, such as an illegal activity, and you feel you cannot be friends with such a person anymore, it is still wrong to delete them from your wedding party?

In that case you woman up and end the friendship.  Their involvement in your wedding will naturally end as a result.  Kicking someone out of your wedding and not addressing the larger issue is the cowardly way to approach the issue. 

Also, delete?  What is it with the euphemisms people use when asking about this?  Un-ask, ask them to step down, revoke the title, delete...call a spade a spade.  You're (general you) kicking them out of your wedding party, usually for a shitty reason.

Exactly this. 

If you feel that you can't be friends, and don't mind losing their friendship, kick them out. 

But own it.  Say, Bridesmaid, I judge you for your part in the art heist, and it's impossible for our friendship to continue. I don't want you in my wedding. 

(I wouldn't kick someone out for an art heist or malicious mischief or civil disobedience or smoking weed. 

But something like assault or robbery, probably.  This is a personal call, of course.)

ETA: I do think being involved in an art heist is a reprehensible crime. But I'd really want to hear the story. 

SP29

Sure, you can kick someone out of your wedding party, but that is a friendship ending move (how could it not be?). You can do it, but own it, and be prepared for what happens after.

OP- I'd let your fiance deal with this. And if you really dislike her, tell FI she needs to stand on his side, since he asked her anyway- would save you some room on your side . 

Though I agree, have your wedding party sit in the first row. 

TheArtemisMoon

Considering how obnoxious and backstabbing this woman and her family sound, then I think you should tell her she will not be included. Are you really going to let them potentially ruin your wedding? So what if there is a three generation friendship between the families? If people are spreading rumors or saying hurtful things about you and your fiance/family then they are NOT your friends.

antoto

Knottie8942929 said:

Considering how obnoxious and backstabbing this woman and her family sound, then I think you should tell her she will not be included. Are you really going to let them potentially ruin your wedding? So what if there is a three generation friendship between the families? If people are spreading rumors or saying hurtful things about you and your fiance/family then they are NOT your friends.

How on Earth could they possibly ruin the wedding?  Unless you think they might physically harm the bride or the groom and cause them to be unable to say their vows I find it very unlikely they could ruin the wedding.

Friends fight.  Especially good, old friends.  It happens.  I had a huge fight with one of my BMs right after I got engaged and asked her to be my BM.  She said some very inappropriate things that hurt my feelings. By the time my wedding rolled around the fight was an absolute non issue and the day would not have been as wonderful without her there.  Friends fight and friends forgive each other.  Friends don't punish friends by kicking them out of bridal parties.