Can I un-ask a bridesmaid that would most certainly cause problems? (I didn't ask her anyway)

ks3388

I think to clarify -- she isn't my friend, she's my fiance's "friend." And she has never been a good friend -- he felt compelled to ask her only because their families are friends, and now we know that her family won't even speak to his family. Why? Because when he planned to propose to me, he asked all of my closest friends to be at my house to surprise me. Included among those friends were my dad and his fiance, my mom and stepdad, and my little sister's nanny (who has been in our lives since I was 14). My fiance's parents didn't invite any of their own friends or family because my fiance had intended for the guests to be people closest to me. However, this bridesmaid in question had told my fiance prior to him proposing that her parents were planning on coming with her to the surprise party post-proposal. When that night rolled around and they weren't there, nobody thought anything of it. Yes, you read that right -- she TOLD him they would be there, so why is this suddenly his parents' fault? This girl LOVES stirring the pot. So after the proposal surprise, she went back to her parents and essentially trashed my fiance's family and told them that other adults were there (my PARENTS and his), but that his parents had intentionally excluded them. Their feelings were so hurt that they are now threatening to not come to the wedding. And I suppose I should clarify -- this is not just a "rumor." She told my fiance directly that they were so offended they wouldn't be coming, AND told one of my best friends as well, which of course concerns me since she could be telling other people how "terrible" my fiance's parents are. My fiance was offended and shocked -- especially since she essentially RSVPd her parents for the surprise party -- and tried his best to explain the situation I've just explained here to her, but she wouldn't have it. After his parents found out, they were completely shocked as well. They've left her parents voicemails, texts -- you name it. They now won't give his parents a chance to explain they had no part in the planning. This isn't the first time this girl has slandered his family. A few months prior, she said some very cruel things to my fiance for no reason in particular other than she'd had a few drinks in her. She told him that his dad is sexist (I've never met someone as opposite of sexist as his dad in my life), told him his mother is clinically insane (a horrible thing to say to anyone who is a "friend"), told him that he was a horrible child growing up (he wasn't), etc. etc. etc. . Basically, she just spewed out a ton of BS about him and his family because she was unhappy about something completely unrelated. I suppose they call that "projecting." Eventually he came to forgive her because he didn't want to ruin the "family friendship." Now -- I'd like to know how I should handle a girl like this being in my wedding party AFTER finding out that she has said horrible things about the groom's family and is refusing to help us share the truth about why her parents weren't at our proposal. She seems to enjoy stewing in this drama. So please don't call me "rude" or "tacky" for asking this question -- I don't appreciate it. 

[Deleted User]

ks3388

I guess my question is, if she's slandering his family for doing absolutely nothing wrong, why should I keep her? People are telling me it would be "tacky" to cut her out, which I find a little offensive when she's the one being tacky and hurtful. 

thisismynickname2

ks3388 said:

I guess my question is, if she's slandering his family for doing absolutely nothing wrong, why should I keep her? People are telling me it would be "tacky" to cut her out, which I find a little offensive when she's the one being tacky and hurtful. 

Etiquette: Don't kick people out of wedding parties unless you want to end the friendship.

Your situation: She sounds like such a royal bitch that I'd be pleased to end the friendship.

Compounding problem: She's your FI's "friend"-- so what does he want to do?

After all that crap, is he fine telling her she's not in the party? Or is he still trying to maintain family ties? Frankly, to me, this sounds totally ridiculous and not a loss. Cut away, I say. 

[Deleted User]

southernbelle0915

ks3388 said:

I think to clarify -- she isn't my friend, she's my fiance's "friend." And she has never been a good friend -- he felt compelled to ask her only because their families are friends, and now we know that her family won't even speak to his family. Why? Because when he planned to propose to me, he asked all of my closest friends to be at my house to surprise me. Included among those friends were my dad and his fiance, my mom and stepdad, and my little sister's nanny (who has been in our lives since I was 14). My fiance's parents didn't invite any of their own friends or family because my fiance had intended for the guests to be people closest to me. However, this bridesmaid in question had told my fiance prior to him proposing that her parents were planning on coming with her to the surprise party post-proposal. When that night rolled around and they weren't there, nobody thought anything of it. Yes, you read that right -- she TOLD him they would be there, so why is this suddenly his parents' fault? This girl LOVES stirring the pot. So after the proposal surprise, she went back to her parents and essentially trashed my fiance's family and told them that other adults were there (my PARENTS and his), but that his parents had intentionally excluded them. Their feelings were so hurt that they are now threatening to not come to the wedding. And I suppose I should clarify -- this is not just a "rumor." She told my fiance directly that they were so offended they wouldn't be coming, AND told one of my best friends as well, which of course concerns me since she could be telling other people how "terrible" my fiance's parents are. My fiance was offended and shocked -- especially since she essentially RSVPd her parents for the surprise party -- and tried his best to explain the situation I've just explained here to her, but she wouldn't have it. After his parents found out, they were completely shocked as well. They've left her parents voicemails, texts -- you name it. They now won't give his parents a chance to explain they had no part in the planning. This isn't the first time this girl has slandered his family. A few months prior, she said some very cruel things to my fiance for no reason in particular other than she'd had a few drinks in her. She told him that his dad is sexist (I've never met someone as opposite of sexist as his dad in my life), told him his mother is clinically insane (a horrible thing to say to anyone who is a "friend"), told him that he was a horrible child growing up (he wasn't), etc. etc. etc. . Basically, she just spewed out a ton of BS about him and his family because she was unhappy about something completely unrelated. I suppose they call that "projecting." Eventually he came to forgive her because he didn't want to ruin the "family friendship." Now -- I'd like to know how I should handle a girl like this being in my wedding party AFTER finding out that she has said horrible things about the groom's family and is refusing to help us share the truth about why her parents weren't at our proposal. She seems to enjoy stewing in this drama. So please don't call me "rude" or "tacky" for asking this question -- I don't appreciate it. 

So you knew she was a shit-talking pot stirrer who is extremely disrespectful and you asked her to be in the wedding anyway? Sorry, but you created this problem the moment you asked her to be your bridesmaid.

It's pretty clear she's been this way for a long time. Why you thought she'd change for your wedding is beyond me.

If you're ready to cut ties with this person completely (and obviously, your FI needs to be ready to cut ties too), then ok. What you've been told is: "kicking her out will have consequences - be prepared for that." That advice hasn't changed.

ks3388

@southernbelle0915

No, I did not ask her. My fiance did. And I didn't find out about all these horrible things she said about him and his family a few months back until recently. The only reason I allowed him to ask her is because I thought she was simply an old family friend and didn't realize what a horrible person she could be until a few weeks ago, and the only reason HE asked her is because he thought his family would want him to. Please read my original thread before you start attacking me. 

[Deleted User]

MyNameIsNot

The person you should be angry with is your FI. He created this mess by inviting her to be in the WP. 

Since he asked her, I would let her stand on his side and let him deal with her. This is all his creation and he can manage it. If he decides he wants to kick her out, he can be the one to deal with the fallout. 

ks3388

Thank you. The whole thing is a mess that was really a long string of miscommunications and misunderstandings, and now it's no fun!

southernbelle0915

ks3388 said:

@southernbelle0915

No, I did not ask her. My fiance did. And I didn't find out about all these horrible things she said about him and his family a few months back until recently. The only reason I allowed him to ask her is because I thought she was simply an old family friend and didn't realize what a horrible person she could be until a few weeks ago, and the only reason HE asked her is because he thought his family would want him to. Please read my original thread before you start attacking me. 

Do you know what "attack" means? Get yourself a dictionary. I read your OP and all of the ridiculousness on this thread (and others, I might add).

So your fiance picked a bridesmaid for you? Well then let him deal with it. If he won't, he won't. That issue is then between the two of you.

levioosa

ks3388 said:

@southernbelle0915

No, I did not ask her. My fiance did. And I didn't find out about all these horrible things she said about him and his family a few months back until recently. The only reason I allowed him to ask her is because I thought she was simply an old family friend and didn't realize what a horrible person she could be until a few weeks ago, and the only reason HE asked her is because he thought his family would want him to. Please read my original thread before you start attacking me. 

It still doesn't change the advice we gave you.  This is your FI's battle, not yours, and you both should be prepared for the fallout if you kick her out.  Because there will be fallout if you kick her out.  Is she being shitty?  Yeah, she is, but you (your FI, really) needs to weigh the pros and cons and then make an educated decision on what to do.  While kicking her out may be satisfying, it might be a better course of action to act graciously, take the high road, and leave her in the WP. 

flantastic

levioosa said:

ks3388 said:

@southernbelle0915

No, I did not ask her. My fiance did. And I didn't find out about all these horrible things she said about him and his family a few months back until recently. The only reason I allowed him to ask her is because I thought she was simply an old family friend and didn't realize what a horrible person she could be until a few weeks ago, and the only reason HE asked her is because he thought his family would want him to. Please read my original thread before you start attacking me. 

It still doesn't change the advice we gave you.  This is your FI's battle, not yours, and you both should be prepared for the fallout if you kick her out.  Because there will be fallout if you kick her out.  Is she being shitty?  Yeah, she is, but you (your FI, really) needs to weigh the pros and cons and then make an educated decision on what to do.  While kicking her out may be satisfying, it might be a better course of action to act graciously, take the high road, and leave her in the WP. 

...On his side.

All of this was said before, OP, you just weren't taking it in.

huskypuppy14

She's a groomswoman not a bridesmaid. Your FI asked her, so she's on his side. This should not be your battle.

AddieCake

This is all so ridiculous. HE asked her. She stands on HIS side, then. If HE wants to kick her out, then HE can do so. It's not your problem.

PrettyGirlLost

Yeah, the more I read the more I think you need to butt out of your FI's and his family's drama with this woman and her family.  Your FI and his family need to decide if they are severing ties with this family.

And grown ass adults are getting this worked up over high school gossip?   Really?  Your FI and his parents had no idea this woman was a gossip before?  In all the years they have known her?

flantastic

AddieCake said:

This is all so ridiculous. HE asked her. She stands on HIS side, then. If HE wants to kick her out, then HE can do so. It's not your problem.

Why does she consider it her problem? My guess is because she doesn't like the aesthetic of mixed-gender sides.