Can I un-ask a bridesmaid that would most certainly cause problems? (I didn't ask her anyway)

PhoneCardLady

AddieCake said:

Yes, my cousin kicked me out of her wedding. We didn't speak for several years. I never forgave her for it, but I did eventually put it behind me, and we tried to repair our relationship, but then she showed her true colors again over another issue, and I cut her out of my life permanently. I regret trying to repair the relationship with someone as awful as her.

I commend you for at least trying to repair the relationship.  You were woman enough to put the past behind you and try again.  It's her loss, not yours.

rentothenay.defunct635756527744329529

I must be a seriously laid back person towards rude behavior involving someone else and their big day. I could honestly care less if I was kicked out of a wedding party or not because I still love the person and would be happy for them on their day. My brother, when he got married, included my sisters on into the wedding party and I was a guest. I didn't care because we went to the same ceremony, same reception, and had the same great time. I guess I don't understand the intense burn of being told that someone is downsizing their wedding party and they would like me to be a guest or even a speaker. I would hope my family and friendly ties are more important than that...or is there some unspoken rule that once you get kicked out of a party, you have to suddenly stop all contact and avoid the person like the plague?

Jessie42613

rentothenay said:

I must be a seriously laid back person towards rude behavior involving someone else and their big day. I could honestly care less if I was kicked out of a wedding party or not because I still love the person and would be happy for them on their day. My brother, when he got married, included my sisters on into the wedding party and I was a guest. I didn't care because we went to the same ceremony, same reception, and had the same great time. I guess I don't understand the intense burn of being told that someone is downsizing their wedding party and they would like me to be a guest or even a speaker. I would hope my family and friendly ties are more important than that...or is there some unspoken rule that once you get kicked out of a party, you have to suddenly stop all contact and avoid the person like the plague?

You'd feel differently if it actually happened to you.

rentothenay.defunct635756527744329529

Jessie42613 said:

rentothenay said:

I must be a seriously laid back person towards rude behavior involving someone else and their big day. I could honestly care less if I was kicked out of a wedding party or not because I still love the person and would be happy for them on their day. My brother, when he got married, included my sisters on into the wedding party and I was a guest. I didn't care because we went to the same ceremony, same reception, and had the same great time. I guess I don't understand the intense burn of being told that someone is downsizing their wedding party and they would like me to be a guest or even a speaker. I would hope my family and friendly ties are more important than that...or is there some unspoken rule that once you get kicked out of a party, you have to suddenly stop all contact and avoid the person like the plague?

You'd feel differently if it actually happened to you.

Not really. My sister told me I would be her maid of honor and then realized through out the planning process that she didn't want a bridal party and just a flower girl. I didn't care and attended her wedding sick as a dog but with full smiles. She was lovely, the ceremony and reception was lovely and everyone was happy. I still love my sister and talk with her almost every week, she's also in my bridal party.

kao2015

rentothenay said:

Jessie42613 said:

rentothenay said:

I must be a seriously laid back person towards rude behavior involving someone else and their big day. I could honestly care less if I was kicked out of a wedding party or not because I still love the person and would be happy for them on their day. My brother, when he got married, included my sisters on into the wedding party and I was a guest. I didn't care because we went to the same ceremony, same reception, and had the same great time. I guess I don't understand the intense burn of being told that someone is downsizing their wedding party and they would like me to be a guest or even a speaker. I would hope my family and friendly ties are more important than that...or is there some unspoken rule that once you get kicked out of a party, you have to suddenly stop all contact and avoid the person like the plague?

You'd feel differently if it actually happened to you.

Not really. My sister told me I would be her maid of honor and then realized through out the planning process that she didn't want a bridal party and just a flower girl. I didn't care and attended her wedding sick as a dog but with full smiles. She was lovely, the ceremony and reception was lovely and everyone was happy. I still love my sister and talk with her almost every week, she's also in my bridal party.

But that's totally different than having someone kick you out because of some drama you're involved in. To me, your situation would be comparable to if a couple invited people to their wedding, but then decided to elope instead. People didn't get uninvited, the planned event just didn't take place (note: not saying an elopement isn't a wedding, it's just one with no guests). Similarly, you didn't get kicked out of the WP, she just didn't have one anymore.

huskypuppy14

rentothenay said:

Jessie42613 said:

rentothenay said:

I must be a seriously laid back person towards rude behavior involving someone else and their big day. I could honestly care less if I was kicked out of a wedding party or not because I still love the person and would be happy for them on their day. My brother, when he got married, included my sisters on into the wedding party and I was a guest. I didn't care because we went to the same ceremony, same reception, and had the same great time. I guess I don't understand the intense burn of being told that someone is downsizing their wedding party and they would like me to be a guest or even a speaker. I would hope my family and friendly ties are more important than that...or is there some unspoken rule that once you get kicked out of a party, you have to suddenly stop all contact and avoid the person like the plague?

You'd feel differently if it actually happened to you.

Not really. My sister told me I would be her maid of honor and then realized through out the planning process that she didn't want a bridal party and just a flower girl. I didn't care and attended her wedding sick as a dog but with full smiles. She was lovely, the ceremony and reception was lovely and everyone was happy. I still love my sister and talk with her almost every week, she's also in my bridal party.

Just because it doesn't bother you, doesn't change the fact that it's still rude.

Plus, I agree with pp that your situations are different. One you were never asked to be in the wedding party, and the other they just didn't have one anymore. 

thesilverbride

It's your big day and you can do what you please, but if you don't want her in your party, you're going to have to tell her and it might not go over smoothly if she is a big of drama queen as you make her out to be. I would turn it around on her (its her fault you're in this position in the first place, right?) and tell her that because she was talking nasty about FH's family, she has caused a lot of unnecessary drama and now you're "torn" and have no choice but to uninvited/kick them out because that day your FH's family will be yours too, and you have to respect their wishes of not having them there. 

Viczaesar

thesilverbride said:

It's your big day and you can do what you please, but if you don't want her in your party, you're going to have to tell her and it might not go over smoothly if she is a big of drama queen as you make her out to be. I would turn it around on her (its her fault you're in this position in the first place, right?) and tell her that because she was talking nasty about FH's family, she has caused a lot of unnecessary drama and now you're "torn" and have no choice but to uninvited/kick them out because that day your FH's family will be yours too, and you have to respect their wishes of not having them there. 

Can we please strike this phrase from existence?  Ugh.

thesilverbride

@viczaesar

rentothenay.defunct635756527744329529

Yes, my situation was different and yes I was asked to be in the bridal party and then halfway through the planning was told there wouldn't be one anymore, just a flower girl. Maybe I'm a passive person and other things get to me rather than being changed from a wedding party person to a guest. My older sister stole my wedding bands that we all (the entire immediate family) knew and agreed that I would inherit from our mother if they divorced or passed away (older sister wanted my dad's watch, younger sister wanted my dad's ring). Well, my parents divorced and my older sister got engaged a few years later. Who the rings/watch would go to was common knowledge for years and I only found out she went behind my back and told my mom that I said it was alright for her to take the wedding bands when we were getting ready to walk down the aisle. I was livid and still hold a tiny bit of resentment (especially since I had planned to use them for my wedding bands when they were divorced) but I still love her and talk to her. ***FYI the younger sister didn't have a bridal party.

I guess I don't see the point of cutting someone off completely from the only life I will ever get to live because my status was changed at a wedding. And despite my situation being different, there are tons of discussions on here about people  downsizing their wedding and ultimately down sizing their wp and getting smack about doing so. Or even not wanting a wedding party anymore. I'm not trying to start a heated debate or argument, I guess I just don't understand why it is the unspoken rule to remove someone from your life for it. Yes its rude, but so many rude things happen everyday and I'm not going to hold a grudge against these people for the rest of my life.

climbingsingle

thesilverbride said:

It's your big day and you can do what you please, but if you don't want her in your party, you're going to have to tell her and it might not go over smoothly if she is a big of drama queen as you make her out to be. I would turn it around on her (its her fault you're in this position in the first place, right?) and tell her that because she was talking nasty about FH's family, she has caused a lot of unnecessary drama and now you're "torn" and have no choice but to uninvited/kick them out because that day your FH's family will be yours too, and you have to respect their wishes of not having them there. 

Gross. 

climbingsingle

Wrong post. 

flantastic

rentothenay said:

Yes, my situation was different and yes I was asked to be in the bridal party and then halfway through the planning was told there wouldn't be one anymore, just a flower girl. Maybe I'm a passive person and other things get to me rather than being changed from a wedding party person to a guest. My older sister stole my wedding bands that we all (the entire immediate family) knew and agreed that I would inherit from our mother if they divorced or passed away (older sister wanted my dad's watch, younger sister wanted my dad's ring). Well, my parents divorced and my older sister got engaged a few years later. Who the rings/watch would go to was common knowledge for years and I only found out she went behind my back and told my mom that I said it was alright for her to take the wedding bands when we were getting ready to walk down the aisle. I was livid and still hold a tiny bit of resentment (especially since I had planned to use them for my wedding bands when they were divorced) but I still love her and talk to her. ***FYI the younger sister didn't have a bridal party.

I guess I don't see the point of cutting someone off completely from the only life I will ever get to live because my status was changed at a wedding. And despite my situation being different, there are tons of discussions on here about people  downsizing their wedding and ultimately down sizing their wp and getting smack about doing so. Or even not wanting a wedding party anymore. I'm not trying to start a heated debate or argument, I guess I just don't understand why it is the unspoken rule to remove someone from your life for it. Yes its rude, but so many rude things happen everyday and I'm not going to hold a grudge against these people for the rest of my life.

You don't have to cut someone out from your life completely. But because "changing someone's status" at a wedding is still super rude, regardless of how much it bothers you personally, it would be well within the rights of the ex-WP member to do said cutting. Other people might make different decisions than you, and it would be proportional to how much they were rightfully offended.

delujm0

Just because it wouldn't bother YOU doesn't mean it's not rude, and that it wouldn't bother other people.  This is the exact arguement of the pro-Honeymoon Fund people ("it doesn't bother me or my family, so how can it be rude") and the pro-cash bar people ("everyone around here does this so the guests expect it therefore it is not rude").  These things are still rude.  Really if even ONE person thinks it's rude, it probably is.

 

I was invited to a wedding without my SO (who is now my husband) years and years ago - it was one of the first weddings i've been to as an adult.  It didn't bother me, because the wedding was small, i'd only been with my SO for 6 months, the bride had never met him, and they used the "only married and engaged people come as a couple" rule.  it didn't bother me (mostly because my SO had a family engagement that day anyway and couldn't have gone anyway), but it REALLY bothered a few of my friends that were invited.  Espeically the ones whose long term SOs knew the bride pretty well.  Some of them refused to come or to ever speak to her again; others came but complained about it the whole time.  So as you can see...just because i didn't particularly care about not beinging a date, MANY people did, and it was actually quite rude to do a guest list that way.

 

The same applies to demoting a bridesmaid.  You have to know your crowd.  Maybe you know the girl really well and you know she won't really care.  That's all well and good; an understanding girl would likely get it if you decided to not have bridesmaids anymore for example (though i don't see how other excuses wouldn't hurt feelings...dumb things like "even sides" etc).  but it sounds from OP's post like she doesn't know this girl very well, and that she is a complete drama queen.  I have a feeling this girl will care about this and consider it a slight.  Since she is your FI's friend, OP, i'd have him make the decision, and him uninvite her since he's the one who invited her in the first place.

mikenberger

Viczaesar said:

thesilverbride said:

It's your big day and you can do what you please, but if you don't want her in your party, you're going to have to tell her and it might not go over smoothly if she is a big of drama queen as you make her out to be. I would turn it around on her (its her fault you're in this position in the first place, right?) and tell her that because she was talking nasty about FH's family, she has caused a lot of unnecessary drama and now you're "torn" and have no choice but to uninvited/kick them out because that day your FH's family will be yours too, and you have to respect their wishes of not having them there. 

Can we please strike this phrase from existence?  Ugh.

Seems to be a theme in which the wedding is centered around. Doesn't everybody want to go to a party where nobody cares about your basic needs like food, drink (not just booze.), comfort and safety? 

MyNameIsNot

rentothenay said:

Yes, my situation was different and yes I was asked to be in the bridal party and then halfway through the planning was told there wouldn't be one anymore, just a flower girl. Maybe I'm a passive person and other things get to me rather than being changed from a wedding party person to a guest. My older sister stole my wedding bands that we all (the entire immediate family) knew and agreed that I would inherit from our mother if they divorced or passed away (older sister wanted my dad's watch, younger sister wanted my dad's ring). Well, my parents divorced and my older sister got engaged a few years later. Who the rings/watch would go to was common knowledge for years and I only found out she went behind my back and told my mom that I said it was alright for her to take the wedding bands when we were getting ready to walk down the aisle. I was livid and still hold a tiny bit of resentment (especially since I had planned to use them for my wedding bands when they were divorced) but I still love her and talk to her. ***FYI the younger sister didn't have a bridal party.

I guess I don't see the point of cutting someone off completely from the only life I will ever get to live because my status was changed at a wedding. And despite my situation being different, there are tons of discussions on here about people  downsizing their wedding and ultimately down sizing their wp and getting smack about doing so. Or even not wanting a wedding party anymore. I'm not trying to start a heated debate or argument, I guess I just don't understand why it is the unspoken rule to remove someone from your life for it. Yes its rude, but so many rude things happen everyday and I'm not going to hold a grudge against these people for the rest of my life.

If your sister came over and took a huge steaming shit on your brand new rug for absolutely no reason, would you end relationship with her?  It sounds like you wouldn't.

But it wouldn't make her behavior even remotely acceptable.

Kicking someone out of your wedding party is mean, childish, and wrong. It's that simple. You personally may have a high tolerance for being treated badly by loved ones, but that doesn't mean that people who don't put up with that are somehow wrong or immature.

[Deleted User]

thisismynickname2

rentothenay said:

I guess I don't see the point of cutting someone off completely from the only life I will ever get to live because my status was changed at a wedding. And despite my situation being different, there are tons of discussions on here about people  downsizing their wedding and ultimately down sizing their wp and getting smack about doing so. Or even not wanting a wedding party anymore. I'm not trying to start a heated debate or argument, I guess I just don't understand why it is the unspoken rule to remove someone from your life for it. Yes its rude, but so many rude things happen everyday and I'm not going to hold a grudge against these people for the rest of my life.

In regards to the highlighted, I think it's really about WHY the downsizing took place. There's a big difference between financial or health circumstances changing and having to completely change one's overall wedding plans, and having a lot of underlying drama leading to the downsizing. Sure, I would completely be fine if I was a BM and there was some emergency leading to a change of plans. But if I was a BM and others were involved in drama and the bride said we all sucked and got rid of the bridal party, then clearly there's a friendship issue going on. 

Look, etiquette wise, you shouldn't remove people from your bridal party, and you shouldn't uninvite people from your wedding. It's rude to people you claim to care about. But if you don't care about them in the first place, that's why it's said it's a friendship ending move. The friendship was likely nearly over in the first place for it to happen. 

rentothenay.defunct635756527744329529

That makes much more sense, I guess I didn't compare it to the honey moon fund/ other wedding things that make me cringe. Plus, it makes more sense for the downsizing being alright but others not. I've just seen so many threads where no one has not been attacked for it. Thanks for the eye opener!

Jessie42613

MyNameIsNot said:

rentothenay said:

Yes, my situation was different and yes I was asked to be in the bridal party and then halfway through the planning was told there wouldn't be one anymore, just a flower girl. Maybe I'm a passive person and other things get to me rather than being changed from a wedding party person to a guest. My older sister stole my wedding bands that we all (the entire immediate family) knew and agreed that I would inherit from our mother if they divorced or passed away (older sister wanted my dad's watch, younger sister wanted my dad's ring). Well, my parents divorced and my older sister got engaged a few years later. Who the rings/watch would go to was common knowledge for years and I only found out she went behind my back and told my mom that I said it was alright for her to take the wedding bands when we were getting ready to walk down the aisle. I was livid and still hold a tiny bit of resentment (especially since I had planned to use them for my wedding bands when they were divorced) but I still love her and talk to her. ***FYI the younger sister didn't have a bridal party.

I guess I don't see the point of cutting someone off completely from the only life I will ever get to live because my status was changed at a wedding. And despite my situation being different, there are tons of discussions on here about people  downsizing their wedding and ultimately down sizing their wp and getting smack about doing so. Or even not wanting a wedding party anymore. I'm not trying to start a heated debate or argument, I guess I just don't understand why it is the unspoken rule to remove someone from your life for it. Yes its rude, but so many rude things happen everyday and I'm not going to hold a grudge against these people for the rest of my life.

If your sister came over and took a huge steaming shit on your brand new rug for absolutely no reason, would you end relationship with her?  It sounds like you wouldn't.

But it wouldn't make her behavior even remotely acceptable.

Kicking someone out of your wedding party is mean, childish, and wrong. It's that simple. You personally may have a high tolerance for being treated badly by loved ones, but that doesn't mean that people who don't put up with that are somehow wrong or immature.

I just LOL'd so inappropriately at work.. cause I'm 12.

southernbelle0915

thesilverbride said:

It's your big day and you can do what you please, but if you don't want her in your party, you're going to have to tell her and it might not go over smoothly if she is a big of drama queen as you make her out to be. I would turn it around on her (its her fault you're in this position in the first place, right?) and tell her that because she was talking nasty about FH's family, she has caused a lot of unnecessary drama and now you're "torn" and have no choice but to uninvited/kick them out because that day your FH's family will be yours too, and you have to respect their wishes of not having them there. 

Ugh. No.

You seriously give the worst advice. On every single thread you post to. Honeyfunds, PPDs, WP, just everything. 

Your general attitude seems to be that a wedding gives people carte blanche to do absolutely anything they want without consequences. Like this is your one free day to do whatever. A wedding is not an excuse to treat family/friends like shit because WEDDING. Guess what? The wedding is over in a matter of hours and people don't forget how they were treated during the wedding and in the time leading up to it. 

thesilverbride

@southernbelle0915 it is her special day. She's paying for everyone to be there, she's hosting a party and if she doesn't want someone there, why should they be there? She stated her FH's family is not going to go if this girl goes. I'm trying to be of moral support and actual give her advice instead of just mocking her and making her feel bad. This girl is torn and she needs advice, not the etiquette police. 

mikenberger

thesilverbride said:

@southernbelle0915 it is her special day. She's paying for everyone to be there, she's hosting a party and if she doesn't want someone there, why should they be there? She stated her FH's family is not going to go if this girl goes. I'm trying to be of moral support and actual give her advice instead of just mocking her and making her feel bad. This girl is torn and she needs advice, not the etiquette police. 

But your advice is, like, bad. Like super bad. Like not even close to etiquette appropriate, which is where this thread is posted. 

If you kick someone out of the wedding party, be prepared for the backlash. Your FI opted her into the wedding so he needs to handle it. People are not disposable and they shouldn't be treated as such.

MairePoppy

Giving bad advice is not helping somebody @thesilverbride.

ks3388 said "However, it's come to light that she has been saying some untrue things about his family (something she has a tendency to do), and now her family is so upset with his family that they are threatening to not even come to our wedding." It's the bms family members that are supposedly threatening to not attend, not the groom's family. But I'd like to know who told the bride and groom this stuff. Unless, they heard it directly from the sources, it's gossip and nothing more.

Furthermore, ks3388 hasn't returned to the thread so this advice is now for other brides who may be contemplating kicking someone out of their wedding parties.

[Deleted User]

thesilverbride

I'm not uninviting anyone, I'm not being rude to my guests, I'm trying to help this lady solve her issue. Isn't that what message boards are for? I don't go through loved ones like water through a sieve. Hence why I'm engaged? Stop assuming things and saying bad things about someone you don't know at all. BREATHE, no need to be a jerk

southernbelle0915

thesilverbride said:

@southernbelle0915 it is her special day. She's paying for everyone to be there, she's hosting a party and if she doesn't want someone there, why should they be there? She stated her FH's family is not going to go if this girl goes. I'm trying to be of moral support and actual give her advice instead of just mocking her and making her feel bad. This girl is torn and she needs advice, not the etiquette police. 

To the first bolded:

Because she already invited them. Not just as a guest. But as a guest of honor. 

To the second bolded:

No, actually. The BM's family threatened not to go. Not the groom's family. Reading comprehension. 

To the third bolded:

THIS IS THE ETIQUETTE BOARD. If someone it just looking for moral support then they should get a self-help book or bitch to their girlfriends. The title of this board is "Etiquette". Is this another reading comprehension problem for you?

SP29

thesilverbride said:

@southernbelle0915 it is her special day. She's paying for everyone to be there, she's hosting a party and if she doesn't want someone there, why should they be there? She stated her FH's family is not going to go if this girl goes. I'm trying to be of moral support and actual give her advice instead of just mocking her and making her feel bad. This girl is torn and she needs advice, not the etiquette police. 

Of course she is paying for everyone- SHE (and her FI) are hosting a party! (That's what happens when you host a party- you pay for it!) It's the same as if you hosted a dinner party at your house- you spend all day cleaning and cooking a meal (which you paid for), as well as drinks, to have your friends come over- BECAUSE YOU LIKE THEM. Just because you are hosting people doesn't give you reason to be rude just because you're paying for it.

Nobody has mocked the OP. Actually, everyone was pretty supportive. EVERYONE said- YES you can kick her out, BUT be prepared that shit may hit the fan. That is all. Well actually, they told the OP to let her FI deal with it since he was the one who invited this frienemy in the first place. 

I completely agree- why invite someone to your wedding that you dislike or don't want to be friends with. Nobody has said otherwise. The issue is, the OPs FI invited her! Obviously she was important to him/ his family at some point. I get there is drama going on, and no I wouldn't want her in my bridal party either (mind you, I wouldn't have asked someone so random to be in my WP), but if the OP (or better yet her FI) kicks this person out, it's going to be a friendship ending move (not that they were friends with to begin) or cause more family drama. 

levioosa

thesilverbride said:

I'm not uninviting anyone, I'm not being rude to my guests, I'm trying to help this lady solve her issue. Isn't that what message boards are for? I don't go through loved ones like water through a sieve. Hence why I'm engaged? Stop assuming things and saying bad things about someone you don't know at all. BREATHE, no need to be a jerk

Omg, NOW I remember who you are.  I also find it ironic that you're trying to tell us that we're not supporting the OP when you were going around telling other posters that their dry weddings were "BO-RINGGG."  

slothiegal

levioosa said:

thesilverbride said:

I'm not uninviting anyone, I'm not being rude to my guests, I'm trying to help this lady solve her issue. Isn't that what message boards are for? I don't go through loved ones like water through a sieve. Hence why I'm engaged? Stop assuming things and saying bad things about someone you don't know at all. BREATHE, no need to be a jerk

Omg, NOW I remember who you are.  I also find it ironic that you're trying to tell us that we're not supporting the OP when you were going around telling other posters that their dry weddings were "BO-RINGGG."  

Oh SHIT, ten gold stars to levioosa for reminding me who this is.

With that knowledge and her history, I won't even waste my time trying with this SS.