Grooms parents - alcohol at reception question

Knottie16024652

Wedding is being paid for by my parents/ future husband and I. My fiance brought up at dinner with his parents, very awkwardly and without warning me, about what they were going to offer to pay for (they hadn't offered anything yet, I wasn't too worried about it, I want a low key wedding anyway). 

Fiance's mother states that they will NOT pay for any alcohol since his dad once had a drinking problem. I'm totally fine with that, fiance and I don't really drink but we will have alcoholic beverages for the wedding guests. 

Come to find out at a recent wedding, both his mother and father drank at the reception. I'd seen them drink at family events so I wasn't surprised, but Fiance has an issue with it. Fiance is now upset and doesn't want them drinking if they are refusing to pay for it on moral standards. I REALLY don't want this to become an issue, what do you guys think? Leave it alone and risk Fiance getting upset and saying something at the reception. Talk to them in advance? What do I say?  

JCbride2015

Knottie16024652 said:

Wedding is being paid for by my parents/ future husband and I. My fiance brought up at dinner with his parents, very awkwardly and without warning me, about what they were going to offer to pay for (they hadn't offered anything yet, I wasn't too worried about it, I want a low key wedding anyway). 

Fiance's mother states that they will NOT pay for any alcohol since his dad once had a drinking problem. I'm totally fine with that, fiance and I don't really drink but we will have alcoholic beverages for the wedding guests. 

Come to find out at a recent wedding, both his mother and father drank at the reception. I'd seen them drink at family events so I wasn't surprised, but Fiance has an issue with it. Fiance is now upset and doesn't want them drinking if they are refusing to pay for it on moral standards. I REALLY don't want this to become an issue, what do you guys think? Leave it alone and risk Fiance getting upset and saying something at the reception. Talk to them in advance? What do I say?  

I am totally confused.  Your Fi cornered his parents and asked whether they would pay for anything at the wedding.  They said no alcohol because of moral reasons.  You have seen them drink before.  Now Fi somehow just found out they were drinking and he... doesn't want them to drink at the reception?  Because they said they wouldn't pay for alcohol at the wedding?

This is a big flaming bag of poo that you do NOT want to step in.  Your Fi is not entitled to ask his parents for money, and he cannot control the actions of adults.  It sounds to me like he's just throwing a hissy fit because his parents said they don't want to help pay for the wedding.

And a follow up question.  Are they contributing anything to the wedding?  And will you or your own parents be hosting a bar anyway?  If there's alcohol at the reception, you cant tell his parents not to drink it.

lyndausvi

I'm confused.

Your FIL's decided to pay for all but the bar at the reception.     And?  I fail to see the problem.  They can choose to pay for anything they want.   If you decide to pay for the bar yourselves it would be incredibly rude to bar ANYONE of legal drinking age from having drink. I don't care who they are.   

More often then not the food is the most expensive part of a wedding.  Seem pretty petty to tell them they are not allowed to drink on your dime when you are eating on theirs.

Knottie16024652

No, they have not offered to pay for anything else. 

He brought it up as "Traditionally, the parents of the groom pay for..." and she said they wouldn't pay for alcohol because of his dad. 

A part of me just thinks that maybe they don't have the money to give us anything, or they don't want to. Either way, nothing we can do about it.  

Knottie16024652

as per my parents, they are giving us a lump sum that we can spend as we choose. So either that money will pay for the drinks at the wedding or we will. 

JCbride2015

Knottie16024652 said:

No, they have not offered to pay for anything else. 

He brought it up as "Traditionally, the parents of the groom pay for..." and she said they wouldn't pay for alcohol because of his dad. 

A part of me just thinks that maybe they don't have the money to give us anything, or they don't want to. Either way, nothing we can do about it.  

Yep, that's the only thing you can do, really: nothing.  It sounds like they just were looking for a reason to say no.  Which is totally within their right, because your Fi never should have asked them.  That must have been awkward, yikes!

Just encourage your Fi to let it go.

bethsmiles

I am also confused. This is what I'm getting:

1) Your FI asked your parents what part of your wedding they would pay for (rude btw)

2) Your FI's parents said they wouldn't pay for alcohol because his dad had a drinking problem

3) But you've seen them drink at a different wedding

4) Now your FI is throwing a hissy fit that your parents won't pay for alcohol at YOUR wedding and says that they can't drink at the wedding?

It's bullshit. Tell your FI to grow up.

lyndausvi

Knottie16024652 said:

No, they have not offered to pay for anything else. 

He brought it up as "Traditionally, the parents of the groom pay for..." and she said they wouldn't pay for alcohol because of his dad. 

A part of me just thinks that maybe they don't have the money to give us anything, or they don't want to. Either way, nothing we can do about it.  

You need to tell your FI that (1) it's very rude to ask for money and (2) it's even worse to get pissy at what they decided NOT to pay for.

Sure their "excuse" for not paying for the entire bar might be lame. Since they are under no obligation to pay thing they could just say "we will pay for the flowers" and you would be in the same position.  They are not paying for the bar.

Knottie16024652

I don't think it's rude to ask if they will contribute money but that's my opinion. I had a similar conversation with my parents. "If you are willing and can contribute I thank you, if not we'll do the best we can". 

Neither conversation was "You need to pay for this, this and this". 

We aren't having a long engagement, so we had to start making plans. 

lyndausvi

The thought is if they wanted to help they would have offered.  Instead you put them on the spot.   I don't care if they are your parents, it's rude.

My parents have always said they would pay for my wedding.  Since was very young it was known.  I was a the last to get married and they contributed to all my siblings' weddings. Even then I waited until they offered.   

It's the polite thing to do.  No matter how you say it doesn't, asking implies there is an expectation.  

Knottie16024652

What can I say? Different family dynamics.  My parents paid for my sisters wedding, I thought maybe they would help with mine, they TOLD ME they were going to help with mine, and eventually  we had a conversation about how they were going to help (specifically). 

I can't control his family dynamics, I just want a peaceful wedding and days leading up to it. Maybe he felt embarrassed because my family had offered money and his hadn't? I don't know, money makes people feel weird and do/say weird things. 

lyndausvi

My MIL never offered, nor did we ask.   I couldn't even imagine putting someone on the spot like that.  

If your parents had TOLD YOU then they did indeed offer.   So your conversation was based on them already telling you they would help.  That is a lot different then going up to people who haven't offered yet what they might want to contribute to the wedding.Maybe they don't have the money? Now they have to deal with the humiliation of  their son calling them out on not helping.

Regardless, TELLING them they can not drink because they choose not to contribute to a bar is rude as hell.   Just because they are parents doesn't mean they are treated differently they other guests.

saric83

Just talk with your FI and tell him he needs to let this go, and there's nothing wrong with them not paying for anything, regardless of the reason.  If it were my FI, I would be pushing him to realize what the priorities are that day, and that they simply do not include babysitting the drinking habits of his parents.  

huskypuppy14

Your FI doesn't sound old enough to be married. Tell him to grow up.

levioosa

Knottie16024652 said:

I don't think it's rude to ask if they will contribute money but that's my opinion. I had a similar conversation with my parents. "If you are willing and can contribute I thank you, if not we'll do the best we can". 

Neither conversation was "You need to pay for this, this and this". 

We aren't having a long engagement, so we had to start making plans. 

Knottie16024652 said:

What can I say? Different family dynamics.  My parents paid for my sisters wedding, I thought maybe they would help with mine, they TOLD ME they were going to help with mine, and eventually  we had a conversation about how they were going to help (specifically). 

I can't control his family dynamics, I just want a peaceful wedding and days leading up to it. Maybe he felt embarrassed because my family had offered money and his hadn't? I don't know, money makes people feel weird and do/say weird things. 

Woah, way out of line for your FI to ask.  You are both adults and should be prepared to pay for your own wedding.  Getting married is an adult decision.  No one else but you and your FI are required to subsidize the costs.  If parents offer to contribute without prodding, you may accept, but it was completely wrong to put them on the spot and ask. A wedding with a reception is a privilege, not a necessity.  

Since you already asked, they have given you their answer.  You pay for the alcohol yourselves.  Putting the cost on them is very entitled and selfish of you.  They are completely within rights to say they would not like their money to be spent on booze.  In addition, their money does come with strings.  They get a say in how their money is spent, whether that means adding people to the guest list, requesting certain entrees, etc.  

How do you have a peaceful wedding?  You stop yourselves from ever asking something so presumptuous again, you respect any input they have to offer, and you pay for the booze yourselves.  Your FI has no reason to be upset (other than worrying that his father might have fallen off the wagon again, which should in NO WAY be connected to the wedding).  Seriously.  His dad starts drinking again and his first thought is, "How dare they not pay for it at the wedding!?"  WTF, OP. 

LondonLisa

Knottie16024652 said:

I don't think it's rude to ask if they will contribute money but that's my opinion. I had a similar conversation with my parents. "If you are willing and can contribute I thank you, if not we'll do the best we can". 

Neither conversation was "You need to pay for this, this and this". 

We aren't having a long engagement, so we had to start making plans. 

As an adult that is old enough to get married, do you normally ask other people to pay for things? This whole thing is so grossly entitled. 

Would you go out to dinner with your aunt and when the bill comes, say "If you are willing and can to contribute to my meal, I thank you. Otherwise. I guess I will pay for it!"?

Would you turn to a friend whilst clothes shopping and say at the register "If you are willing and can contribute to my shopping spree, I thank you"?

You may have the best family dynamics and be incredibly close with your parents (I do as well- I talk to them about anything). I still realise if I am old enough to get married, I am old enough to not ask for money!

Adults know how to write a cheque and offer money. His parents didn't want to give you any, and that is why you were both left sitting there looking foolish and immature. Newsflash: If they wanted to offer money, they would. You don't need to ask. That is begging and it is vulgar and rude!

AddieCake

If your parents offered, great. Fine to follow up with them on that. His parents didn't offer, so he never should have asked. But that ship has sailed. Now he is pissed that they might drink after their big speech about not liking alcohol. Oh, well. What's he gonna do, knock the drinks out of their hands if he sees them with them? You both need to just drop this and forget about it. It really is a non issue.

southernbelle0915

Your FI is throwing an adult tantrum. Is he an only child? Spoiled? Entitled?

Why on earth does he 1) think he can demand money from them? And 2) when they don't pony up for something he wants, try to restrict their free choice? What the actual fuck?

mikenberger

Your fiance sounds like a total man child. "You're not going to pay for alcohol at my wedding because you say Dad has a drinking problem!! I SAW HIM DRINKING AT A WEDDING RECEPTION!! NO FAIR!!" Who cares? Your FI needs to grow up. I would be totally embarrassed if my FI was throwing such a ridiculous fit.

redoryx

Your tell your FI to grow the fuck up. He is not entitled to his parents money and it was very rude of him to spontaneously ask and then to take it even a step further by basically spending their money for them by adding "Traditionally the groom's parents pay for..." 

No. Just no. His parents are adults who are well within their rights to not want to spend money on something and if he is unable to see the difference between getting one or two drinks at somebody else's reception and paying for all the alcohol for everyone else, well, then, that's on him. I'm also curious how did you guys find out they were even drinking at this other reception? Did his parents tell you this or did you hear it from a third (and gossipy) party? I just know that sometimes those with previous drinking problems will sometimes order something that *looks* like an alcoholic beverage to still feel like they are part of the social setting but it's completely non-alcoholic. But if someone were to glance over they might think they see something going on that is totally innocent.

Serious question: how old are you guys?

Viczaesar

southernbelle0915 said:

Your FI is throwing an adult tantrum. Is he an only child? Spoiled? Entitled? Why on earth does he 1) think he can demand money from them? And 2) when they don't pony up for something he wants, try to restrict their free choice? What the actual fuck?

I agree with the rest of your post, but why would an only child be more likely to ask for money from his parents and/or throw a tantrum?

MGP

Echoing everything said about how rude it was to ask for money, etc. and @LondonLisa's examples of asking in non wedding situations were spot on. Bravo as usual.

Also

Your fiances actions are not only "punishing" his parents but affecting the rest of the guests. There is nothing wrong with a dry wedding due to budget or moral reasons. There is everything wrong with a dry wedding due to the fact that the groom refuses to pay for drinks because his parents didn't want to pay for them (and had no obligation to). And if he is truly concerned with his parents drinking that should take priority over any wedding plans.

If I attended a wedding like that and found out thats the reason there was no bar I would be pissed, and would give a big pack of diapers as a gift because thats all the childish couple would deserve.

kmmssg

LondonLisa said:

Knottie16024652 said:

I don't think it's rude to ask if they will contribute money but that's my opinion. I had a similar conversation with my parents. "If you are willing and can contribute I thank you, if not we'll do the best we can". 

Neither conversation was "You need to pay for this, this and this". 

We aren't having a long engagement, so we had to start making plans. 

As an adult that is old enough to get married, do you normally ask other people to pay for things? This whole thing is so grossly entitled. 

Would you go out to dinner with your aunt and when the bill comes, say "If you are willing and can to contribute to my meal, I thank you. Otherwise. I guess I will pay for it!"?

Would you turn to a friend whilst clothes shopping and say at the register "If you are willing and can contribute to my shopping spree, I thank you"?

You may have the best family dynamics and be incredibly close with your parents (I do as well- I talk to them about anything). I still realise if I am old enough to get married, I am old enough to not ask for money!

Adults know how to write a cheque and offer money. His parents didn't want to give you any, and that is why you were both left sitting there looking foolish and immature. Newsflash: If they wanted to offer money, they would. You don't need to ask. That is begging and it is vulgar and rude!

Her parents told her they would help pay for her wedding so when she approached them she was clarifying what they had in mind.  Nothing wrong with that.  All of our girls knew we would pay for a very large portion of their wedding but we had to sit down and define that when they started planning.

Now her FI?  He was flat out rude to ask!  They had obviously not offered anything and he sounds quite entitled over this whole deal.

What I am trying to figure out is whether or not he is saying they will have a dry wedding or just that they can't drink at the reception because they declined to pay for the alcohol.  He needs to put his big boy underoos on and act like a grown up.

climbingsingle

Why are you even getting involved in this? It was 100% wrong of your FI to ask his parents for money. You both need to let it go and move on. And in no way should your FI be dictating to his parents whether or not they can drink. 

cakemurderer

This post is just painful to read. Cornering his parents, having unrealistic (i.e., any) expectations as to what his parents will contribute, nitpicking about when they last drank at a function, and overreacting and getting upset about it? Yikes! That's a long list of majorly crappy behavior. Their excuse sounds like just that, an excuse, but you will learn quickly from these boards that it's not right to expect any financial contribution from your parents, so he has no right to get upset at them for not paying for 100% of the reception, no matter what reason they give. I agree that you should stay out of it in regard to his parents, don't approach them yourself or even mention it. What you should do is try to talk your FI down, explain that he should not have put his parents on the spot like that and that they don't owe him anything for the wedding. Let him work it out with his parents, possibly by apologizing for springing the question on them and telling them he doesn't expect a dime from them and understands if they don't pay for anything. Or have him wait for them to approach him about what, if anything, they're able to help pay for. In the meantime, plan a wedding the two of you can afford (with your parents' generous help) so that if they wind up not being able to pay for anything you're covered and it's not an issue.

NowIAmSyp

Viczaesar said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Your FI is throwing an adult tantrum. Is he an only child? Spoiled? Entitled? Why on earth does he 1) think he can demand money from them? And 2) when they don't pony up for something he wants, try to restrict their free choice? What the actual fuck?

I agree with the rest of your post, but why would an only child be more likely to ask for money from his parents and/or throw a tantrum?

Yeah!  Hey!  Wait a minute!   (only child here)

VulgarGirl

soontobesyp said:

Viczaesar said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Your FI is throwing an adult tantrum. Is he an only child? Spoiled? Entitled? Why on earth does he 1) think he can demand money from them? And 2) when they don't pony up for something he wants, try to restrict their free choice? What the actual fuck?

I agree with the rest of your post, but why would an only child be more likely to ask for money from his parents and/or throw a tantrum?

Yeah!  Hey!  Wait a minute!   (only child here)

Me too! Well on my mom's side....(fuck my family is complicated). 

OliveOilsMom

If I were your FI I would be more concerned with the fact that I heard my father, who has a drinking problem, was in fact drinking again.  That is a very slippery slope.

Viczaesar

MagicInk said:

soontobesyp said:

Viczaesar said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Your FI is throwing an adult tantrum. Is he an only child? Spoiled? Entitled? Why on earth does he 1) think he can demand money from them? And 2) when they don't pony up for something he wants, try to restrict their free choice? What the actual fuck?

I agree with the rest of your post, but why would an only child be more likely to ask for money from his parents and/or throw a tantrum?

Yeah!  Hey!  Wait a minute!   (only child here)

Me too! Well on my mom's side....(fuck my family is complicated). 

I'm a sort-of only child (my sister is 12 years older than I am; my mom likes to tell people she had two only children).