Vent

Couggal12

No way would I let that continue to happen if that was my H. 

I do about 90% of the laundry and I admit sometimes I throw clothes on the floor when I'm lazy. However I take responsibility for it and pick it up myself. Stop picking up his clothes and doing his laundry and hopefully he will get the hint. 

sarahufl

AddieCake said:

sarahufl said:

I see some red flags here. This wouldn't fly in my house. Just don't do his laundry. But the fact that he pitches fits because you are picking up his dirty clothes and (gasp) WASHING IT bugs me.

Red flag? For what? Like he's abusive? Dude was just pissed off b/c he didn't have the pants he wanted. I hardly see that as a "red flag" for anything. We all get irrationally pissed off sometimes. 

Nobody said anything about being abusive. I see it as a red flag to get so angry about it. It isn't something I would tolerate because I think it is immature and irrational. And I don't like immature and irrational.

We are all entitled to our own red flags.

mikenberger

My FI likes his socks and boxers put into "quadrants" and rotated as not to wear the same socks and boxers over and over. Even if they're clean. So the drawer goes like this:

There are 4 quadrants. When there are clean socks or boxers (they're in different drawers too, so the quadrants don't get mixed up), the quadrants are all shifted. So 1, moves to 2, 2 moves to 3 and so on. I had NO idea that FI did this until we were watching some random show where a character did something similar. I had been just putting his clothes away after I washed them. After a tutorial where he showed me how the laundry worked, I informed him "If you want to keep the super new fresh clean socks and boxers from the not so newly but still clean socks and boxers, you do your own laundry." It lasted about 3 loads of laundry before he gave up.

Moral of the story: If they want it done a certain way, assuming your way isn't hurting anything, they can do it themselves. 

He didn't throw a fit or anything. He just can't believe that someone would have a complete disregard for THE CLEANEST OF THE LAUNDRIES to sit next to the old clean stuff. It's actually quite funny. He also pushes his hanging tshirts to the right and puts the new clean shirts on the left so he picks shirts from the right so he doesn't wear the same shirts over and over again. It's kind of funny to watch.

paperpusher

mikenberger said:

My FI likes his socks and boxers put into "quadrants" and rotated as not to wear the same socks and boxers over and over. Even if they're clean. So the drawer goes like this:

There are 4 quadrants. When there are clean socks or boxers (they're in different drawers too, so the quadrants don't get mixed up), the quadrants are all shifted. So 1, moves to 2, 2 moves to 3 and so on. I had NO idea that FI did this until we were watching some random show where a character did something similar. I had been just putting his clothes away after I washed them. After a tutorial where he showed me how the laundry worked, I informed him "If you want to keep the super new fresh clean socks and boxers from the not so newly but still clean socks and boxers, you do your own laundry." It lasted about 3 loads of laundry before he gave up.

Moral of the story: If they want it done a certain way, assuming your way isn't hurting anything, they can do it themselves. 

He didn't throw a fit or anything. He just can't believe that someone would have a complete disregard for THE CLEANEST OF THE LAUNDRIES to sit next to the old clean stuff. It's actually quite funny. He also pushes his hanging tshirts to the right and puts the new clean shirts on the left so he picks shirts from the right so he doesn't wear the same shirts over and over again. It's kind of funny to watch.

I'm kind of similar? When I take care of the clean towels I rotate them so the fresh ones are at the bottom or the "back of the line". I joke that the ones that were up next will have their feelings hurt because the fresher ones budged the line.

luckya23

mrsk616 said:

i think the only arguement we had over laundry was what detergent we were going to use. (im use to gain and love it, he buys other brands) or and what new washer and dryer we were going to get. 

but if FI pulled some shit like that he can do his own laundry, after a few tries if he doesnt know how to do laundry he will beg you do his again. a lot of men i know cant do their own laundry (my dad is one of them) my FI on the other hand knows how to do his laundry but doesn't read tags which is annoying. 

OMG, doing laundry is not an innate ability, male or female.  You're talking about laziness, inattention and feigned helplessness.  I'm lazy too, but I still clean my house and do my own laundry, because I can't trick anyone into doing it for me by pretending I can't.  My FI does his own laundry too. 

amelisha

OMG, no.

I do 98% of the housework in our house (FI Swiffers and mops the floors every weekend, but other than that, he does absolutely nothing in the house) because my standards for clean are much, much higher than his and it's easier on everyone's blood pressure if I do all the cleaning as well as all the cooking rather than him feeling put-upon and like I'm judging him and me feeling like I just have to go redo everything he's done anyway.

However, the absolute SECOND he starts to act anything other than grateful for the fact that he gets to spend all his time at home in front of his PlayStation while I scrub the toilets and do the laundry, it's not happening.

The bargain I made with FI is that his laundry gets washed every weekend according to his specifications (he's a total weirdo about which stuff gets washed with what and what gets hung to dry and what goes in the dryer) as long as it is neatly sorted in his 3-section hamper and there is nothing on the floor and nothing in any of the pockets. I don't check pockets, so if he leaves something in there, that's his problem. And heaven help him if he leaves dirty Kleenexs in there to disintegrate and leave little balls of white fluff all over the next three loads of laundry. 

When we first moved in together he gave me some attitude about something he'd left in a pocket and something he didn't want in the dryer and I had to say "Look, buddy, I love you and I'm willing to do your laundry, but if you don't do the bare minimum here and take care of your own stuff by sorting it properly and not leaving it on the floor then you're going to have to do your own laundry because they're not my clothes and I can't be expected to remember your care preferences for everything in your closet. I have purchased you this laundry basket with three compartments as well as provided hooks for you to hang stuff you plan to wear again that isn't ready to go in the wash. If you don't use them, maid service stops now. Sorry."

We haven't had a problem since because he, thankfully, realizes that it is not my job to do his laundry and it's a weekly favour to him. We both work full-time outside the home and I am not his mother, his maid, or his little housewife, period.

Due to the fact that he is responsible for none of the cleaning, mending, cooking, groceries, or travel planning in our home, he is solely responsible for the car and its maintenance, anything that requires tools, taking out the recycling, financial planning and insurance matters, and says "yes" every single time I ask him for help with any of my regular chores because he knows damn well that I spend probably 30 hours a week keeping him clean and fed.

tl;dr you don't owe him laundry service especially if he's going to be ungrateful about it. Don't do it if he doesn't appreciate it.

plainjane0415

amelisha said:

OMG, no.

I do 98% of the housework in our house (FI Swiffers and mops the floors every weekend, but other than that, he does absolutely nothing in the house) because my standards for clean are much, much higher than his and it's easier on everyone's blood pressure if I do all the cleaning as well as all the cooking rather than him feeling put-upon and like I'm judging him and me feeling like I just have to go redo everything he's done anyway.

However, the absolute SECOND he starts to act anything other than grateful for the fact that he gets to spend all his time at home in front of his PlayStation while I scrub the toilets and do the laundry, it's not happening.

The bargain I made with FI is that his laundry gets washed every weekend according to his specifications (he's a total weirdo about which stuff gets washed with what and what gets hung to dry and what goes in the dryer) as long as it is neatly sorted in his 3-section hamper and there is nothing on the floor and nothing in any of the pockets. I don't check pockets, so if he leaves something in there, that's his problem. And heaven help him if he leaves dirty Kleenexs in there to disintegrate and leave little balls of white fluff all over the next three loads of laundry. 

When we first moved in together he gave me some attitude about something he'd left in a pocket and something he didn't want in the dryer and I had to say "Look, buddy, I love you and I'm willing to do your laundry, but if you don't do the bare minimum here and take care of your own stuff by sorting it properly and not leaving it on the floor then you're going to have to do your own laundry because they're not my clothes and I can't be expected to remember your care preferences for everything in your closet. I have purchased you this laundry basket with three compartments as well as provided hooks for you to hang stuff you plan to wear again that isn't ready to go in the wash. If you don't use them, maid service stops now. Sorry."

We haven't had a problem since because he, thankfully, realizes that it is not my job to do his laundry and it's a weekly favour to him. We both work full-time outside the home and I am not his mother, his maid, or his little housewife, period.

Due to the fact that he is responsible for none of the cleaning, mending, cooking, groceries, or travel planning in our home, he is solely responsible for the car and its maintenance, anything that requires tools, taking out the recycling, financial planning and insurance matters, and says "yes" every single time I ask him for help with any of my regular chores because he knows damn well that I spend probably 30 hours a week keeping him clean and fed.

tl;dr you don't owe him laundry service especially if he's going to be ungrateful about it. Don't do it if he doesn't appreciate it.

THIS.  EVERY SINGLE WORD.

sarahufl

plainjane0415 said:

amelisha said:

OMG, no.

I do 98% of the housework in our house (FI Swiffers and mops the floors every weekend, but other than that, he does absolutely nothing in the house) because my standards for clean are much, much higher than his and it's easier on everyone's blood pressure if I do all the cleaning as well as all the cooking rather than him feeling put-upon and like I'm judging him and me feeling like I just have to go redo everything he's done anyway.

However, the absolute SECOND he starts to act anything other than grateful for the fact that he gets to spend all his time at home in front of his PlayStation while I scrub the toilets and do the laundry, it's not happening.

The bargain I made with FI is that his laundry gets washed every weekend according to his specifications (he's a total weirdo about which stuff gets washed with what and what gets hung to dry and what goes in the dryer) as long as it is neatly sorted in his 3-section hamper and there is nothing on the floor and nothing in any of the pockets. I don't check pockets, so if he leaves something in there, that's his problem. And heaven help him if he leaves dirty Kleenexs in there to disintegrate and leave little balls of white fluff all over the next three loads of laundry. 

When we first moved in together he gave me some attitude about something he'd left in a pocket and something he didn't want in the dryer and I had to say "Look, buddy, I love you and I'm willing to do your laundry, but if you don't do the bare minimum here and take care of your own stuff by sorting it properly and not leaving it on the floor then you're going to have to do your own laundry because they're not my clothes and I can't be expected to remember your care preferences for everything in your closet. I have purchased you this laundry basket with three compartments as well as provided hooks for you to hang stuff you plan to wear again that isn't ready to go in the wash. If you don't use them, maid service stops now. Sorry."

We haven't had a problem since because he, thankfully, realizes that it is not my job to do his laundry and it's a weekly favour to him. We both work full-time outside the home and I am not his mother, his maid, or his little housewife, period.

Due to the fact that he is responsible for none of the cleaning, mending, cooking, groceries, or travel planning in our home, he is solely responsible for the car and its maintenance, anything that requires tools, taking out the recycling, financial planning and insurance matters, and says "yes" every single time I ask him for help with any of my regular chores because he knows damn well that I spend probably 30 hours a week keeping him clean and fed.

tl;dr you don't owe him laundry service especially if he's going to be ungrateful about it. Don't do it if he doesn't appreciate it.

THIS.  EVERY SINGLE WORD.

This sounds like me. I expect high, high levels of clean. So I figured out early on I have to do the cleaning myself. I also don't mind doing H's laundry, because believe it or not, I like laundry! But if something misses the hamper or gets left in a pocket, it is acknowledged as his issue, not mine. There has never been a single fight about it. I also cook dinner every night and he ALWAYS thanks me for it and compliments me, even when I overcooked something last week.

But the last time there was 2 feet of snow on our driveway, H and his brother shoveled it and wouldn't take my help. He also makes most of our money and manages it really, really well. Marriage is about doing things for other people and making sure your relationship works.

Adults do not throw hissy fits because they can't responsibly take care of their own dirty laundry.

cakemurderer

I agree that he might be transferring his annoyance at something else, something not even related to you, and is overreacting as a result. Maybe once he's no longer actively grumbling about it and you're not fuming, sit him down and tell him that it hurt your feelings and that you don't feel appreciation for what you do for him. You made an assumption and had no way of knowing he wanted things done differently this time. Maybe point out that many, many women don't do their man's laundry at all!

As for the suggestions that you simply stop doing his laundry, with my ex there were times I considered doing that since I was doing 95% of the housework (shockingly he saw no problem with this arrangement) and was frustrated out of my mind. But then I would have had to put up with his smelly laundry piling up and overflowing around the hamper for weeks before he'd bother to do it himself. Does no one else have this problem? The man was a slob and everything he touched stunk, so my best plan of action was to take 20 minutes a week to throw his laundry in the wash, fold it and put it away so I wouldn't have to deal with the grossness. I think asking him to do his own laundry would have wound up being more torture for me.

AddieCake

sarahufl said:

AddieCake said:

sarahufl said:

I see some red flags here. This wouldn't fly in my house. Just don't do his laundry. But the fact that he pitches fits because you are picking up his dirty clothes and (gasp) WASHING IT bugs me.

Red flag? For what? Like he's abusive? Dude was just pissed off b/c he didn't have the pants he wanted. I hardly see that as a "red flag" for anything. We all get irrationally pissed off sometimes. 

Nobody said anything about being abusive. I see it as a red flag to get so angry about it. It isn't something I would tolerate because I think it is immature and irrational. And I don't like immature and irrational.

We are all entitled to our own red flags.

I know nobody said anything about abusive, but a red flag for what, exactly? That was my question. When someone says, "Red flag" it usually means they feel there is a deeper issue. That phrase gets thrown around here so often for the tiniest things as if every action has a deeper issue lying somewhere. If he was always flying off the handle for little stuff, that would be a red flag to me, not one time getting his knickers in an irrational twist.   I'm surprised nobody has yet to suggest they need counseling. 

amelisha

cakemurderer said:

I agree that he might be transferring his annoyance at something else, something not even related to you, and is overreacting as a result. Maybe once he's no longer actively grumbling about it and you're not fuming, sit him down and tell him that it hurt your feelings and that you don't feel appreciation for what you do for him. You made an assumption and had no way of knowing he wanted things done differently this time. Maybe point out that many, many women don't do their man's laundry at all!

As for the suggestions that you simply stop doing his laundry, with my ex there were times I considered doing that since I was doing 95% of the housework (shockingly he saw no problem with this arrangement) and was frustrated out of my mind. But then I would have had to put up with his smelly laundry piling up and overflowing around the hamper for weeks before he'd bother to do it himself. Does no one else have this problem? The man was a slob and everything he touched stunk, so my best plan of action was to take 20 minutes a week to throw his laundry in the wash, fold it and put it away so I wouldn't have to deal with the grossness. I think asking him to do his own laundry would have wound up being more torture for me.

Any man who doesn't respect me enough to make a damn effort is not a man I'd be staying with, personally. "Stop doing his laundry" in my house would mean "stop doing his laundry and ask him to take care of it himself, repeating as necessary until the task is actually accomplished."

I value a clean house and FI respects me and my feelings on it enough to at least TRY. I know he's not capable of cleaning a bathroom properly, but he IS capable of not spraying pee on the walls, hanging up his towels, putting his toothbrush back in the holder, etc. He doesn't do his own laundry, but he manages to keep it off the floor and sorted into the appropriate compartments/hung neatly so that I can wash it for him easily. He never does the dishes, but he manages to put his dirty ones in the dishwasher and doesn't leave anything on the counters or in the sink.

I would not stay with a man who refused to help out around the house because to me that signifies a lack of respect for the efforts I make and how much importance I place on a nice living environment. I can't live like that. I've had roommates like that and I'm not spending the rest of my life frustrated every time I walk in the door. It's not a trivial thing for me; it's a huge issue that affects my day-to-day happiness quite a lot, so my assumption was that OP's FI would also respect her enough to do his own laundry were he not satisfied with her efforts.

[Deleted User]

KatieinBkln

AddieCake said:

sarahufl said:

AddieCake said:

sarahufl said:

I see some red flags here. This wouldn't fly in my house. Just don't do his laundry. But the fact that he pitches fits because you are picking up his dirty clothes and (gasp) WASHING IT bugs me.

Red flag? For what? Like he's abusive? Dude was just pissed off b/c he didn't have the pants he wanted. I hardly see that as a "red flag" for anything. We all get irrationally pissed off sometimes. 

Nobody said anything about being abusive. I see it as a red flag to get so angry about it. It isn't something I would tolerate because I think it is immature and irrational. And I don't like immature and irrational.

We are all entitled to our own red flags.

I know nobody said anything about abusive, but a red flag for what, exactly? That was my question. When someone says, "Red flag" it usually means they feel there is a deeper issue. That phrase gets thrown around here so often for the tiniest things as if every action has a deeper issue lying somewhere. If he was always flying off the handle for little stuff, that would be a red flag to me, not one time getting his knickers in an irrational twist.   I'm surprised nobody has yet to suggest they need counseling. 

I thought it was a red flag, too--specifically the "slamming drawers and swearing." That much anger ain't healthy. It's one thing to say "everyone gets irrationally mad sometimes." Of course we do. But not everyone throws a fit like a child. I can be really, really pissy without slamming shit.

The other thing that struck me as a red flag was the OP's own opening sentence: "In this week's episode of H's pissy pants behavior..." If it's every week, then it is a problem. Maybe it's as simple as something shitty at work and he's taking it out on his wife, but that's still not acceptable. Adults have to develop their emotional maturity, and some of us have to do it pretty damn mindfully. It's not okay to act pissy every week and expect that your wife will just understand and shake it off when you behave badly.

And it is similarly not okay for the maligned party (in this case the OP) to sit and "fume" when stuff like this happens. If you don't say: Hello. I've noticed that you've been upset lately, especially with [examples, including Laundrygate]. This is not okay with me; what is going on? Then you can't reasonably expect anything to change.

For real, if FI got mad at me for doing him a favor in not quite the right way and started swearing and being a dick, we'd be having a conversation right quick. There would be no stewing on my side, and there would be no confusion on his side about what I expected of him.

VulgarGirl

So fucking glad I'm a lesbian. 

I'm kidding, these issues can exist within same sex relationships as well. Just not my same sex relationship. Anymore.

Wife has always been fucking picky about how her laundry is wash. I throw everything in cold wash and cold rinse together. I'm lazy and it works, if I think about it I'll separate out my bras and panties. Anyways, because of this we've always just each done our own laundry. But one time I kept mixing our shit together when I'd pick up, so she'd have to sort it out before doing the laundry. We got in an argument over it and I might have ended up throwing all the dirty clothes over the balcony and screaming "There now they're separate!!!!!"....minor overreaction on my part. 

Anyways, now we have to different hampers and we'll pick up each other's clothes and toss them in the hampers and if we need a fuller load we'll grab out socks and shit like that from the other's hamper. And I put away all the laundry because I find it soothing. She usually ends up washing mine because I have a tendency to wander off and forget about it until there's an odd smell.

AddieCake

I just don't see a one-time event as a  "red flag." If it's something regular, then yeah.  I've sworn and slammed stuff around irrationally from time to time.  It's just the phrase I object to, mostly because it gets thrown out here so regularly, along with the suggestion that everyone needs counseling for everything. It just sounds so dramatic. 

VulgarGirl

mrsk616 said:

i think the only arguement we had over laundry was what detergent we were going to use. (im use to gain and love it, he buys other brands) or and what new washer and dryer we were going to get. 

but if FI pulled some shit like that he can do his own laundry, after a few tries if he doesnt know how to do laundry he will beg you do his again. a lot of men i know cant do their own laundry (my dad is one of them) my FI on the other hand knows how to do his laundry but doesn't read tags which is annoying. 

How the hell does a grown ass adult not know how to do laundry? The instructions are on the fucking lid of the washer! And the back of the laundry detergent. Also it's really fucking simple.

KatieinBkln

AddieCake said:

I just don't see a one-time event as a  "red flag." I've sworn and slammed stuff around irrationally from time to time.  It's just the phrase I object to, mostly because it gets thrown out here so regularly, along with the suggestion that everyone needs counseling for everything. It just sounds so dramatic. 

You're right, one thing does not a red flag make. Maybe like, a yellow flag, the kind that says "Nip this shit in the bud or I will combine with my other yellow brethren to create the much-feared Red Flag."

 For me, the flag isn't totally in this event, but rather in the OP's word choice surrounding the whole thing--it sounds like an unhappy house for more than just this one reason.

climbingsingle

amelisha said:

.

Any man who doesn't respect me enough to make a damn effort is not a man I'd be staying with, personally. "Stop doing his laundry" in my house would mean "stop doing his laundry and ask him to take care of it himself, repeating as necessary until the task is actually accomplished."

I value a clean house and FI respects me and my feelings on it enough to at least TRY. I know he's not capable of cleaning a bathroom properly, but he IS capable of not spraying pee on the walls, hanging up his towels, putting his toothbrush back in the holder, etc. He doesn't do his own laundry, but he manages to keep it off the floor and sorted into the appropriate compartments/hung neatly so that I can wash it for him easily. He never does the dishes, but he manages to put his dirty ones in the dishwasher and doesn't leave anything on the counters or in the sink.

I would not stay with a man who refused to help out around the house because to me that signifies a lack of respect for the efforts I make and how much importance I place on a nice living environment. I can't live like that. I've had roommates like that and I'm not spending the rest of my life frustrated every time I walk in the door. It's not a trivial thing for me; it's a huge issue that affects my day-to-day happiness quite a lot, so my assumption was that OP's FI would also respect her enough to do his own laundry were he not satisfied with her efforts.

I completely agree. Having a clean house is very important to me, and I do things around the house every single day to maintain. I can't live in a mess either. My H knows how I feel and is very conscious of picking up after himself. He pitches in with things around the house very often. 

sarahufl

KatieinBkln said:

AddieCake said:

sarahufl said:

AddieCake said:

sarahufl said:

I see some red flags here. This wouldn't fly in my house. Just don't do his laundry. But the fact that he pitches fits because you are picking up his dirty clothes and (gasp) WASHING IT bugs me.

Red flag? For what? Like he's abusive? Dude was just pissed off b/c he didn't have the pants he wanted. I hardly see that as a "red flag" for anything. We all get irrationally pissed off sometimes. 

Nobody said anything about being abusive. I see it as a red flag to get so angry about it. It isn't something I would tolerate because I think it is immature and irrational. And I don't like immature and irrational.

We are all entitled to our own red flags.

I know nobody said anything about abusive, but a red flag for what, exactly? That was my question. When someone says, "Red flag" it usually means they feel there is a deeper issue. That phrase gets thrown around here so often for the tiniest things as if every action has a deeper issue lying somewhere. If he was always flying off the handle for little stuff, that would be a red flag to me, not one time getting his knickers in an irrational twist.   I'm surprised nobody has yet to suggest they need counseling. 

I thought it was a red flag, too--specifically the "slamming drawers and swearing." That much anger ain't healthy. It's one thing to say "everyone gets irrationally mad sometimes." Of course we do. But not everyone throws a fit like a child. I can be really, really pissy without slamming shit.

The other thing that struck me as a red flag was the OP's own opening sentence: "In this week's episode of H's pissy pants behavior..." If it's every week, then it is a problem. Maybe it's as simple as something shitty at work and he's taking it out on his wife, but that's still not acceptable. Adults have to develop their emotional maturity, and some of us have to do it pretty damn mindfully. It's not okay to act pissy every week and expect that your wife will just understand and shake it off when you behave badly.

And it is similarly not okay for the maligned party (in this case the OP) to sit and "fume" when stuff like this happens. If you don't say: Hello. I've noticed that you've been upset lately, especially with [examples, including Laundrygate]. This is not okay with me; what is going on? Then you can't reasonably expect anything to change.

For real, if FI got mad at me for doing him a favor in not quite the right way and started swearing and being a dick, we'd be having a conversation right quick. There would be no stewing on my side, and there would be no confusion on his side about what I expected of him.

Very well said, as usual. I DO see it as a huge problem in a relationship if your SO has tantrums on a weekly basis. As an adult, you should be more in control of your emotions than that. Children throw tantrums, adults should not.

Also, not *everyone* gets irrationally mad. I have been with H for 4 years now and I would say he has NEVER, not once, in that time gotten irrationally mad. Ever. Certainly not about a pair of sweat pants. Everyone has their things, but they should be able to manage themselves properly and respond accordingly. The thought of a grown ass man throwing a tantrum because his wife washed the pants he left on THE FLOOR is just beyond my comprehension.

It is a huge problem, and yes- a red flag, that laundry leads to slamming things around and swearing. What happens if someone does something that is an actual problem? What then?

Everyone tolerates things in their own relationships. I get that, but this would be on my list of things I would 100% not tolerate.

princessleia22

 

NavyBlue143 said:

In this week's episode of H's pissy pants behavior, he got mad at me for washing clothes he left wadded up on the floor. Because they were his workout pants, but he wore them for pj pants last night, but he left them on the floor so of course I was supposed to know he wanted to work out in them tonight. He always leaves his clothes on the floor and I always throw them in the hamper. Today I did laundry. But he's irritated I had the audacity to assume clothes on the floor this time meant they were dirty. Like, after I told him they were in the washer, I heard him muttering and more than one "fuck" as he tried to find other pants. And when he confronted me, I told him clothes on the floor means they are dirty. It always has, and he knows I'm probably going to wash anything he leaves on the floor unless it's jeans because we rewear those a few times. He just snapped "ok" and stormed off. Normally I try to see his side of being irritated, as I always hope someday he will do for me, but in this case I'm all fuck you, dude, this is your fault. Don't want me washing your clothes? Pick them up! You're 33!

I would totally use the approach I used on my H.  He has/had a horrible habit of leaving clothes in every room of the house. He walks in, sits on the sofa to take his shoes and socks off, so socks end up on living room floor. He always takes his shirt off when going to the bathroom, so his shirts always end up on the floor of the main bathroom. Then he goes to take a shower, his pants end up on the dresser and his underwear would be on master bath floor. It annoyed the hell out of me!  I got so fed up with it that I told him I would start only washing the items that are in the hamper, because I was sick of trekking through the whole house searching for clothes.  He didn't believe me the first time I said it... and he ended up staying up late washing his own clothes for work the next day.  And he couldn't even get mad at me because I had warned him in advance. He got much better at putting his clothes in the hamper after that.  And if he starts slacking off, I just tell him, "I'm doing laundry, are all your clothes in the hamper?" and he immediately will jump up to gather his clothes from around the house, because he doesn't want to risk having to do his own laundry. Then, you will know that dirty clothes are in the hamper... if they aren't in the hamper, they don't get washed. And if dirty stuff doesn't get washed because it was on the floor, that's his fault.

levioosa

AddieCake said:

sarahufl said:

AddieCake said:

sarahufl said:

I see some red flags here. This wouldn't fly in my house. Just don't do his laundry. But the fact that he pitches fits because you are picking up his dirty clothes and (gasp) WASHING IT bugs me.

Red flag? For what? Like he's abusive? Dude was just pissed off b/c he didn't have the pants he wanted. I hardly see that as a "red flag" for anything. We all get irrationally pissed off sometimes. 

Nobody said anything about being abusive. I see it as a red flag to get so angry about it. It isn't something I would tolerate because I think it is immature and irrational. And I don't like immature and irrational.

We are all entitled to our own red flags.

I know nobody said anything about abusive, but a red flag for what, exactly? That was my question. When someone says, "Red flag" it usually means they feel there is a deeper issue. That phrase gets thrown around here so often for the tiniest things as if every action has a deeper issue lying somewhere. If he was always flying off the handle for little stuff, that would be a red flag to me, not one time getting his knickers in an irrational twist.   I'm surprised nobody has yet to suggest they need counseling. 

Hold up, I'll channel Ol' Tampon.

GET OUT NOW.  HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU AND HE CANNOT.  THIS IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.  IF YOU DON'T GET OUT NOW HIS BEHAVIOR WILL CONTINUE TO DISINTEGRATE AND YOU WILL BE SORRY. 

How was that?


OP, tell FI to put his big boy pants on.  Or stop doing his laundry.  You're not his maid. Basically everything @amelisha said.

ashley8918

I guess I don't understand what the problem is.

So, the pants weren't "dirty" because he only wore them to sleep in. You assumed they were dirty because they were on the floor, so you washed them.

... Why can't he wear them now that they are washed?

[Deleted User]

AddieCake

ashley8918 said:

I guess I don't understand what the problem is.

So, the pants weren't "dirty" because he only wore them to sleep in. You assumed they were dirty because they were on the floor, so you washed them.

... Why can't he wear them now that they are washed?

I think they were IN the wash when he wanted them. That's how I interpreted it. 

ashley8918

mrsk616 said:

i think the only arguement we had over laundry was what detergent we were going to use. (im use to gain and love it, he buys other brands) or and what new washer and dryer we were going to get. 

but if FI pulled some shit like that he can do his own laundry, after a few tries if he doesnt know how to do laundry he will beg you do his again. a lot of men i know cant do their own laundry (my dad is one of them) my FI on the other hand knows how to do his laundry but doesn't read tags which is annoying. 

STOP FUCKING SAYING SHIT LIKE THIS, OH MY GOD.

The ability to do laundry is NOT dependent on one's sex organs. His penis does not inhibit his motor function or brain function in a way that physically prevents him from being able to do laundry. His penis does not get in the way.

There is no such thing as a man who CANT do his only laundry, unless he is physically or mentally disabled in a particular way.

I fucking hate these stupid gender stereotypes. STOP.

sarahufl

ashley8918 said:

mrsk616 said:

i think the only arguement we had over laundry was what detergent we were going to use. (im use to gain and love it, he buys other brands) or and what new washer and dryer we were going to get. 

but if FI pulled some shit like that he can do his own laundry, after a few tries if he doesnt know how to do laundry he will beg you do his again. a lot of men i know cant do their own laundry (my dad is one of them) my FI on the other hand knows how to do his laundry but doesn't read tags which is annoying. 

STOP FUCKING SAYING SHIT LIKE THIS, OH MY GOD.

The ability to do laundry is NOT dependent on one's sex organs. His penis does not inhibit his motor function or brain function in a way that physically prevents him from being able to do laundry. His penis does not get in the way.

There is no such thing as a man who CANT do his only laundry, unless he is physically or mentally disabled in a particular way.

I fucking hate these stupid gender stereotypes. STOP.

hahaha, THANK YOU.

Yes, H prefers to not do his laundry. It is a chore he hates. If I offer to do it for him, he jumps all over that.

But he has a Master's Degree in Computer Science. I assure you, he is capable.

amelisha

ashley8918 said: mrsk616 said: i think the only arguement we had over laundry was what detergent we were going to use. (im use to gain and love it, he buys other brands) or and what new washer and dryer we were going to get. 
but if FI pulled some shit like that he can do his own laundry, after a few tries if he doesnt know how to do laundry he will beg you do his again. a lot of men i know cant do their own laundry (my dad is one of them) my FI on the other hand knows how to do his laundry but doesn't read tags which is annoying.  STOP FUCKING SAYING SHIT LIKE THIS, OH MY GOD.

The ability to do laundry is NOT dependent on one's sex organs. His penis does not inhibit his motor function or brain function in a way that physically prevents him from being able to do laundry. His penis does not get in the way.
There is no such thing as a man who CANT do his only laundry, unless he is physically or mentally disabled in a particular way.
I fucking hate these stupid gender stereotypes. STOP.

Yep. My FI doesn't do these things because he was raised by a slob and hasn't had any practice doing housework properly, but he is capable of learning if he chose to put in the effort (and his sister is exactly the same - it's their upbringing, not his gender that is to blame.) Ditto every other person who sucks at housework on the planet. 

In my home, it isn't worth the effort and frustration to teach him to do things the way I prefer, so in the interests of harmony I've elected to do it myself and bask in his appreciation, but there is no reason on Earth that "men can't do laundry." That's ridiculous and unfair.

ashley8918

Right. Like, my H isn't very good at doing laundry in that he folds my shit the wrong way, and uses the wrong kind of hangers (I suspect he does it on purpose, actually, hahaha). But he is perfectly fucking capable. 

ashley8918

AddieCake said:

ashley8918 said:

I guess I don't understand what the problem is.

So, the pants weren't "dirty" because he only wore them to sleep in. You assumed they were dirty because they were on the floor, so you washed them.

... Why can't he wear them now that they are washed?

I think they were IN the wash when he wanted them. That's how I interpreted it. 

pinkrevenge said:

ashley8918 said:

I guess I don't understand what the problem is.

So, the pants weren't "dirty" because he only wore them to sleep in. You assumed they were dirty because they were on the floor, so you washed them.

... Why can't he wear them now that they are washed?

Because he couldn't wear them THAT SECOND while they were still in the wash.

Oh. Well then he's just a whiny ass man-child.

FiancB

I'm The Messy Person in our relationship. I have had things end up in the laundry that I didn't want to be, but it's my fault for leaving it out. 

I do most of the housework. I'm home more and it's easier for me to do a little here and there during study breaks and whatnot, therefore I am usually the one doing the laundry. H does tend to leave a pile of boxers in the bathroom and I usually leave it. Ya want it washed, put it in the hamper. So there is a certain amount of picking your battles. I do not pick up after H- if the clothes laying around is out of hand he'll come home to see a house that's pretty clean and clutter free except for his crap, and then he cleans it up. 

But seriously if he's getting this pissy and it is a regular thing I would be seriously reevaluating the relationship. Yeah everybody gets irrationally pissy sometimes but you shouldn't be expected to read his mind or bitched at for doing something for him.