I planned a wedding for my daughter several years ago and used the community for lots of info and ideas. My son is now getting married so I am back reading. I was surprised by the thread above about PPD. Had no idea what it was. A few days ago read a thread about a young medical student who had planned a wedding in Colorado but was now going to get married quickly because her Dad was very ill. Frankly I was shocked by the tone of the responses to her, and was reminded of a young couple I married several years ago.
They had gotten engaged, but lived in different cities. Shortly after the engagement the bride lost her job and after several months of looking without any luck moved to the groom's city and took a waitressing job until something in her field came up. She had no health insurance, but figured it was only for a short time and she was young and healthy. The set a date for a year later and started planning their wedding.
Unfortunately the unthinkable happened and the bride was diagnosed with a particularly nasty and deadly form of cancer. She was hospitalized in isolation the day she was diagnosed and her 30 day survival rate was less than 25%. Within a few days the young women and her groom to be realized that the only way to cover her care financially was to have her on his insurance by getting married. Three days after diagnosis the couple, their mothers and I legally married them. No one else knew, not even their fathers. . She survived, and was released from the hospital after a few months. The original wedding date came and went but she was still recieving chemo and far too sick, so it was put off.
Two years after the initial diaganosis they had their wedding. They had a shower and a rehearsal dinner, a white dress and all the trimmings. The bride changed her name after that day. This couple had been through hell and back and neither of their mothers nor I felt anything but joy to see them celebrate their love and life. Her medical treatment ( which is still ongoing) has had to have cost nearly a million dollars. She would have had to file bankrupcy to clear the debt, and who knows if some of the life saving care she recieved would have been available to her.
I think etiquette is designed to help people, not to hurt them. The notion is to follow rules so people know what to expect and feel comfortable. It should not be used to judge others. The response to the medical student who was going to marry so her Dad could be there that she could "have a party but not a reception- no white dress or other parties" was, in my humble opinion cruel. If you object to being invited to a wedding you don't approve of, don't go, but don't take away whatever joy she can find in a very difficult time.
I am old enough to,remember when brides who " had to get married" were considered shameful. I remember when I wanted to give a shower for a friend's daughter in that condition. My friend objected saying we shouldn't celebrate the baby on the way. I gave the shower, and in the end my friend agreed. Babies concieved before wedlock are just as loved and just in as much need, and should be celebrated just as much as those concieved on a more conventional schedule. I think the world has caught up to that notion because it was a kinder and fairer way to be.
I hope that we can be kinder and fairer to those who for whatever circumstance find themselves being "PPD". Be glad you never had to make that choice.