"PPD" is cruel

thisismynickname2

Oh, not getting to be a pretty princess is cruel. Hah. 

badbnagdway

Honestly, for me, I would happily attend even a very grandiose vow renewal. Even if you're married, I don't care if you have a giant white dress, a cake, spotlight dances, the whole shebang. I will even bring you a gift, although I don't think you should be registering or having a shower. Just let me know this is a vow renewal and not your wedding. That's all I ask. I agree, I think this is MUD to make an extreme example of how it's "ok" for some people to lie to family. It's still not ok, whatever the situation. 

MyNameIsNot

PrettyGirlLost said:

climbingwife said:

Also, right here:

No one else knew, not even their fathers

That's pretty disgusting. Lying is never OK. 

I had to re-read that wall of text because I admit, I skimmed. . . so I missed this gem.

Call me skeptical, but I don't buy this story.  I find it hard to believe that a person who just received a terminal diagnosis would be worrying about such trivial shit as a wedding and reception.  To the point of hiding getting married for insurance purposes, especially hiding this marriage from her own father, all on the off chance that she survived she could have a big, blow out wedding later. 

What other purpose would this couple have had of keeping their marriage a secret in the face of such a terrible and terminal diagnosis?  Would they have come clean with their fathers, family, and friends if she had actually died?

And if this story actually is true, shame.on.all.of.you.

I'm with you. In addition to the jacked up priorities, I don't think his insurance would have covered her treatment anyway. It would have been an excluded pre-existing condition up until very recently.

It's just a little too convenient and heart string pulling, and I find it pretty hard to believe that there would be a couple and two mothers that are all so morally bankrupt as to pull off a lie like this. Usually there's someone in the mix with a conscience. 

mikenberger

MagicInk said:

Couldn't find the pic I was thinking of. But here's the first two couples to get married when we got our heads out of our asses and decided to treat all people like...people.

Look the ladies wore red to their wedding! All cool lesbians wear red to their weddings.

Did they not know that you're not supposed to wear red to a wedding?!! It is a flashy color and takes away the spotlight from the bride.

Wait. 

What if the bride is wearing red? AND THERE ARE TWO BRIDES?

delujm0

This post completely misses the point.  Which is that it's a combination of the lying and the "piece of paper is meaningless" attitude that make PPDs so horrible.

 

OP, yes, it sucks that you know someone whose employer didn't offer her health insurance, and that instead of getting married to get on her FI's insurance, she went without insurance and wound up with cancer.  That is a terrible story.  However, she had a lot of options.  First, she could have just GOTTEN MARRIED ONCE when she started waitressing so that she could get on her husband's insurance, and had the "big wedding" she apparently needed so badly on short notice.  Or she could have had a marriage celebration later, provided that the guests knew that legally she was already married. Conversely, she could have, you know, GOTTEN HER OWN HEALTH INSURANCE.  High deductible plans protect you from the worst case scenario (like cancer) and are reasonably affordable.  My husband is self-employed, and therfore had to get his own insurance for years before we were married and he could get on mine.  He didn't throw his hands in the air and say "i guess i don't have insurance now!"  He didn't insist that we get legally arried immediately and lie about it so that he could be covered.  He just went out and got his own.  A young healthy person can generally get high deductible coverage for a few hundred dollars a month.

 

So anyway...cry me a river.  If you are taking advantage of government or employer benefits given only to the legally married, you should publically tell your friends and family that you are legally married rather than hiding it from them.  And the attitude that the legal marriage is "just a piece of paper" is preposterous.  You don't need to have a big white dress and an expensive party for a wedding to be legal.  The attitude about weddings in this country makes me want to go raise the daughter i'm 5 months pregnant with and move her off the grid somewhere so she won't become an asshole.

danamw

So this couple, who had better things to concern themselves with than a party, kept the secret from their fathers.

When it came time for their PPD, were they going to tell the truth then? Or expect the fathers to pony up money for the party? I wouldn't blame the dads if they said "I'm not good enough to know when you really got married, but I'm good enough to pay for your party?"

[Deleted User]

MyNameIsNot said: PrettyGirlLost said: climbingwife said: Also, right here:

No one else knew, not even their fathers



That's pretty disgusting. Lying is never OK.  I had to re-read that wall of text because I admit, I skimmed. . . so I missed this gem.

Call me skeptical, but I don't buy this story.  I find it hard to believe that a person who just received a terminal diagnosis would be worrying about such trivial shit as a wedding and reception.  To the point of hiding getting married for insurance purposes, especially hiding this marriage from her own father, all on the off chance that she survived she could have a big, blow out wedding later. 

What other purpose would this couple have had of keeping their marriage a secret in the face of such a terrible and terminal diagnosis?  Would they have come clean with their fathers, family, and friends if she had actually died?

And if this story actually is true, shame.on.all.of.you.
I'm with you. In addition to the jacked up priorities, I don't think his insurance would have covered her treatment anyway. It would have been an excluded pre-existing condition up until very recently.
It's just a little too convenient and heart string pulling, and I find it pretty hard to believe that there would be a couple and two mothers that are all so morally bankrupt as to pull off a lie like this. Usually there's someone in the mix with a conscience.  ------------------------------------------------------------------
I too think this is MUD. I have known plenty of people with health insurance whose cancer treatments were not covered, for a variety of shit-tastic reasons. I sincerely doubt that her treatment would have been covered, especially, as Novella said, because until recently that was a "pre-existing condition" which companies could put outside of coverage. 

And just like...what the fuck? Why leave out the poor dads? As if they weren't going through enough, probably worried out of their minds about the girl...if this isn't fake, it's the worst shit ever. I like how the fathers not knowing was supposed to make us be like "OoooOoooh, okay, well if the dads didn't know, then this just obvi wasn't a 'wedding'." 

ETA: Where do the boxes even go?

beethery

This is going to be another PPD thread that never ends.

OliveOilsMom

There are very few medical plans pre-Obamacare would have allowed someone with a pre-exsisting condition be added to someone else's insurance and have all their care paid for.

I also can't get past the probable multi-leveled lie to the fathers.  Wouldn't the father of the wife wonder how her care was being paid for?  I know that is something my parents would have been concerned about and would have been constantly asking to help out anyway they could.

chibiyui

Obvious troll is obvious.

Jells2dot0

marshallra said:

I planned a wedding for my daughter several years ago and used the community for lots of info and ideas. My son is now getting married so I am back reading. I was surprised by the thread above about PPD. Had no idea what it was. A few days ago read a thread about a young medical student who had planned a wedding in Colorado but was now going to get married quickly because her Dad was very ill. Frankly I was shocked by the tone of the responses to her, and was reminded of a young couple I married several years ago. They had gotten engaged, but lived in different cities. Shortly after the engagement the bride lost her job and after several months of looking without any luck moved to the groom's city and took a waitressing job until something in her field came up. She had no health insurance, but figured it was only for a short time and she was young and healthy. The set a date for a year later and started planning their wedding. Unfortunately the unthinkable happened and the bride was diagnosed with a particularly nasty and deadly form of cancer. She was hospitalized in isolation the day she was diagnosed and her 30 day survival rate was less than 25%. Within a few days the young women and her groom to be realized that the only way to cover her care financially was to have her on his insurance by getting married. Three days after diagnosis the couple, their mothers and I legally married them. No one else knew, not even their fathers. . She survived, and was released from the hospital after a few months. The original wedding date came and went but she was still recieving chemo and far too sick, so it was put off. Two years after the initial diaganosis they had their wedding. They had a shower and a rehearsal dinner, a white dress and all the trimmings. The bride changed her name after that day. This couple had been through hell and back and neither of their mothers nor I felt anything but joy to see them celebrate their love and life. Her medical treatment ( which is still ongoing) has had to have cost nearly a million dollars. She would have had to file bankrupcy to clear the debt, and who knows if some of the life saving care she recieved would have been available to her. I think etiquette is designed to help people, not to hurt them. The notion is to follow rules so people know what to expect and feel comfortable. It should not be used to judge others. The response to the medical student who was going to marry so her Dad could be there that she could "have a party but not a reception- no white dress or other parties" was, in my humble opinion cruel. If you object to being invited to a wedding you don't approve of, don't go, but don't take away whatever joy she can find in a very difficult time. I am old enough to,remember when brides who " had to get married" were considered shameful. I remember when I wanted to give a shower for a friend's daughter in that condition. My friend objected saying we shouldn't celebrate the baby on the way. I gave the shower, and in the end my friend agreed. Babies concieved before wedlock are just as loved and just in as much need, and should be celebrated just as much as those concieved on a more conventional schedule. I think the world has caught up to that notion because it was a kinder and fairer way to be. I hope that we can be kinder and fairer to those who for whatever circumstance find themselves being "PPD". Be glad you never had to make that choice.

As a recent cancer survivor, if someone told me I had to plan a wedding after going through chemo and a brutal recovery, I'd check myself back into the hospital, except not into the cancer wing but into the psych ward. I had a very small, simple elopement before I got sick and the last thing I would want is a redo, especially after everything I just went through. I'm just so thrilled to have beat cancer and to be alive. I just want to enjoy my marriage.

That being said, I can see wanting to have an awesome party to celebrate life and love. This person should have been honest with everyone because, quite frankly, I don't see how anyone could not be understanding of their decision to marry early and in the way they did. Then, when she was feeling up to it, planned an awesome anniversary party with lots of cake and booze. I know I wanted to celebrate being able to drink booze again!

arrrghmatey

Holy crap, my dad would KILL me if I pulled this shit….lie to him AND have him pay for PPD? I don't care what sort of illness you have. Shame on you to treat your family that way.

I'm PPD light. While I'd side-eye a PPD (my sister has had two), I get over it. But lying about it and completely putting the focus on a party rather than the marriage? That's what throttles me. 

flutteringinfl

MagicInk said:

Couldn't find the pic I was thinking of. But here's the first two couples to get married when we got our heads out of our asses and decided to treat all people like...people.

Look the ladies wore red to their wedding! All cool lesbians wear red to their weddings.

My mom and her partner didn't wear red at their wedding. I still think they're cool lesbians.

OP, if this story is true, it's dumb as hell. The thing I've noticed about pro-PPD people is that they seem to think lying makes it BETTER, when in fact the opposite is true. I don't care if you have a PPD. I don't even care if you wear your wedding dress. That shit was expensive and I'm sure you look gorgeous in it. But don't pretend it's your wedding and lie to me. That's so dumb. So dumb. There's no reason for it whatsoever and you are LYING to people you care about. Why the heck did the fathers not need to know? What possible reason could you give me that could justify it?

novella1186

Just waiting for a snowflake to show up and argue in favor of PPDs so this thread can hit page 4.... 

VulgarGirl

flutteringinfl said:

MagicInk said:

Couldn't find the pic I was thinking of. But here's the first two couples to get married when we got our heads out of our asses and decided to treat all people like...people.

Look the ladies wore red to their wedding! All cool lesbians wear red to their weddings.

My mom and her partner didn't wear red at their wedding. I still think they're cool lesbians.

My mom and her wife didn't wear red either. She wore a white top and jeans and step-mom wore jeans and I think a black top...I can't remember right now. I know she wore flip flops, that part I remember.

Wifey and I thought both wore red.

Cookie Pusher

I smell troll with this post. What, the folks on WW are bored with their own crap?

tpwkalyn

MagicInk said:

This literally is making me see red with rage. I can't. Ok, I'm gonna try right now.

My mother got very sick awhile back. We had no idea if she'd live or not. Thank whatever deity and the medical professionals that she's alive and well now. But when she got sick we had to fight for her partner to be allowed in the ICU to even see her. Woman is lying on her damn death bed, we don't know one minute to the next if she's gonna make it and her partner can't come see her because they aren't married. And why aren't they married? Because legally they aren't allowed to be because they both have pussies. Which is the biggest amount of dumbshit I've ever heard.

Her partner has gone without health insurance, or with incredibly shitty healthy insurance, for years. Because they couldn't get legally married in our state and my mother's health insurance only covers legally married spouses, no domestic partners.

So when you take advantage of a goddamn privilege extended only to some, fucking recognize that you're taking advantage of a goddamn privilege extended only to some. Own that fucking shit. I married him so I could get health insurance cause I was sick, now we're gonna re-do our vows in front of our peeps. Sweet go for it. Don't fucking hide away and act like you deserve this shit because you're fucking special.

What the fuck would my mother's partner had done if she got incredibly ill? She couldn't marry my mom for health insurance? Too bad ya dirty fucking dyke? 

Those who think it's only a piece of paper, have never been denied the right to have one. 

AlexisA01

Lying is never good...I was on the end of a PPD with a close friend. She got married during school, ignored her Catholic obligations and the was planning on having a PPD.  Had she been honest, she probably would have kept her friendships with me, our sorority sisters,  not strained her relationships with family, and parish.

Liatris2010

marshallra

Your post is pretty much the definition of trolling, which is against the TOU. This is not an official warning just a heads up.

 

Everyone else, please don't feed the trolls.

LD1970

1.  Nothing I hate more than a liar.

2.  Those same-sex wedding photos made me tear up.

3.  My H & I were HAPPY to go to a vow renewal/handfasting of lesbian friends of ours and support them & celebrate with them... NJ, at the time, had civil unions but not marriage for gay couples (which is just fucking stupid - technically H & I had a "civil union" since we were married by a judge, so why the fuck can we say we're married just because we're hetero, whiel our friends couldn't?!), so they went to another state, got married, and came back and had their handfasting & celebration.  We loved it & were 100% with them.

And they didn't lie to anyone.

drunkenwitch

I just realized what it is about a PPD that irritates me so much (besides the lying).  When, when when WHEN did The Party (tm) become more important than the The Marriage.  If you want a big celebration?  Cool, go for it.  You want a small intimate wedding?  Cool, go for it.  You want to elope?  Cool, go for it.

But don't hand me a polished turd and say it's crème Brule. A PPD is saying that a party is more important than your marriage.  Why? Because claiming that "you're not really married until you have a reception" is bullshit and insulting.  I don't care about super duper extra special rules don't apply to me circumstances, what should matter is that you are marrying the person you love.  You are making a commitment to begin a life together and stand by each other.  That should be more important than a dress you'll never where again, an over priced cake no one likes (seriously, have you noticed most wedding cakes are nasty?), flower arrangements and a little box of Jordan almonds no one will eat.

(edited by mod to remove gif)

ShesSoCold

You would think that someone who was facing possible death would find the actual marriage more important than a pretty dress and a day of attention. 

ohannabelle

I have a very good ear for fiction. What's believable, what isn't, when a story is contrived for the purpose of delivering a particular message, when writing reads honestly and believably.

While this story had a great deal of effort put into it, it was more effort than it deserved. It's a self serving fiction, designed (not very well) to serve the inventor's argument, using an invented example.

D-.

flbride2015

drunkenwitch said:

I just realized what it is about a PPD that irritates me so much (besides the lying).  When, when when WHEN did The Party (tm) become more important than the The Marriage.  If you want a big celebration?  Cool, go for it.  You want a small intimate wedding?  Cool, go for it.  You want to elope?  Cool, go for it.

But don't hand me a polished turd and say it's crème Brule. A PPD is saying that a party is more important than your marriage.  Why? Because claiming that "you're not really married until you have a reception" is bullshit and insulting.  I don't care about super duper extra special rules don't apply to me circumstances, what should matter is that you are marrying the person you love.  You are making a commitment to begin a life together and stand by each other.  That should be more important than a dress you'll never where again, an over priced cake no one likes (seriously, have you noticed most wedding cakes are nasty?), flower arrangements and a little box of Jordan almonds no one will eat.

(edited by mod to remove gif)

Because: PINTEREST.

drunkenwitch

Now we have to obey THE PINTEREST and THE GOOGLE?  Bloody Hell.

photokitty

Wait, another wedding industry VENDOR is giving out tacky, rude advice bc it's "your special day"???

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! Color me shocked! Never saw that one coming!

Who here is surprised that someone making money off officiating wedding ceremonies thinks having two of them is a cracker jack idea?? 

Two ceremonies, two bills, two paypaids! *CHA-FUCKING-CHING*

drunkenwitch

Wait, I'm not done yet, in fact I'm just getting warmed up.  Go look up the definition of "cruel" nowhere does it say that refusing to validate rude, entitled bullshit is "cruel".  Seriously, if that's what you think cruelty is I suggest you pull your head out the sand and actually look at what is going on in the world outside OF YOURSELF!

beethery

photokitty said:

Wait, another wedding industry VENDOR is giving out tacky, rude advice bc it's "your special day"???

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! Color me shocked! Never saw that one coming!

Who here is surprised that someone making money off officiating wedding ceremonies thinks having two of them is a cracker jack idea?? 

Two ceremonies, two bills, two paypaids! *CHA-FUCKING-CHING*

WAIT SHE'S A VENDOR?

PrettyGirlLost

ShesSoCold said:

You would think that someone who was facing possible death would find the actual marriage more important than a pretty dress and a day of attention. 

That was what I was trying to articulate with my posts in this thread.

You nailed it, thank you!!!

PrettyGirlLost

drunkenwitch said:

Wait, I'm not done yet, in fact I'm just getting warmed up.  Go look up the definition of "cruel" nowhere does it say that refusing to validate rude, entitled bullshit is "cruel".  Seriously, if that's what you think cruelty is I suggest you pull your head out the sand and actually look at what is going on in the world outside OF YOURSELF!